Absolution
by S. Anne Gardner

HEADLINES
April 20, 1985
TRAGIC ACCIDENT-CAR GOES OVER CLIFF
WHOLE FAMILY KILLED

Carlotta and Stefan Alcala had looked like the perfect couple. They led a fairytale life according to onlookers, until the day of the accident. People talked about how awful it had been that the car had gone over the cliff. They had been so full of life; such a shame. Carlotta and Stefan were both so young and attractive. They both came from good families and they had two beautiful little girls.

Those poor children. The day after the accident, the newspaper published that the youngest of the little girls had been in the car with them. The oldest child, Cristina Alcala, had stayed home with Mrs. Alcala's mother. Poor little girl, she lost her whole family in a few seconds. She was taken away by her grandmother as soon as the scandal that apparently led up to the accident broke out.

June, 1998

"Grandmama, I have to do this," I told her again.

"Porque?" Why, she wanted to know.

"I need to know. I need to finally put this behind me. I won't be able to go on with my life if I don't fully understand my past."

"Porque, sigues hablando en ingles?" she asked.

"I'm speaking in English because I'm going to be speaking it for a long, long time," was my weary answer.

I was stubborn but so was she. My grandmother was a strong woman, but I was her soft spot. She had loved and pampered me my whole life. After my parents died she protected me and tyrannically controlled all around me. She was not going to allow anything to touch her beloved grandchild.

I realized when I got older that she had forbidden any talk of my parents' death around me. She wanted to spare me pain. The harder she tried to protect me from the details the harder I tried to find out for myself what had happened to my parents. My memory was incomplete.

What I could remember was hazy at best. Most of all I needed to know why I had lost my sister.

I still remembered the day my mother and father brought her home from the hospital. She was so sweet. I had loved her from the very first moment. I remember touching her with my finger and her little hand holding on to me. As we grew older, we became inseparable. We were dependent on one another. In retrospect, I now know she was the only person that I loved and that loved me back just as much.

Mother and father were never in the nursery much; they traveled a lot. My sister and I were all we had. During those years while we were growing up we clung to one another during the good and the bad. We held each other during the nightmares and the loneliness. Having Maria meant not being alone anymore. I loved her. I loved her so very much. I would have died for her. Many times I wish I had died instead of her.

When Grandmama told me that she had gone to be with God, a part of me just froze. Something inside me just turned off. I didn't say anything. I just stayed quite. It was a year before I said anything again.

After being taken to many doctors I eventually did speak. Although I seemingly acted like most children I have never felt whole, not really, not ever. She knew. Somehow my Grandmama always knew that there was something asleep in me. She would sometimes just stare at me when she thought I wasn't looking, her eyes possessed with such sadness.

My memories were incomplete. I needed to find a reason why I had lost Maria. As time passed by my obsession with finding out why my sister had died became all that I thought about. She had been only five when she died in the car with my mother and father. Somehow that part of my life which I could not remember ruled my life. Something had happened. If not, then why the mystery? Why could I not just move on and let go? Why couldn't I remember?

I began to notice that my grandmother became very agitated as my interest in finding out how and why she died became so important to me. I learned to control my curiosity. I asked less questions. But as the years passed, my need to know became paramount. Until one day I knew I could not go on without knowing. That day my life led me to my destiny.

"Abuela, tengo que ir y usted lo sabe." I told my grandmother that I needed to go and she knew it.

Suddenly, she looked very tired. She nodded her head, accepting the finality of my decision as she walked away.

I was the only family she had left and her health had not been good for the past year. But nothing could have stopped me from going to the United States. The accident had been there. The answers were there too.

It was a noisy party as most parties are. I had arrived about an hour earlier. Normally, I would have enjoyed it. But I had come to this party with one objective in mind; to meet Annais D'Autremont.

The party dragged on. As the time passed I found myself becoming melancholy. I had been in New York only a few months and so far my search had been going badly. But, I had found something a few months a go. I had a name, Annais D'Autremont, and hopefully, after tonight, I would have a face to go with it.

Even though I had to keep searching I began to tire and I was homesick. I missed Spain and my grandmother. She was the only family I had left and my leaving wasn't exactly a pleasant memory. We argued endlessly about whether I should come or not, but I would not be talked out of it.

I had come to the party with two friends, Elena and Alfonso who had been introduced to me in Spain two years ago. Elena was the granddaughter of one of my grandmother's friends.

As soon as I knew they were living in the United States, my interest in them grew. They were nice enough but they were a couple and sometimes it felt odd spending time with them. Alfonso tended to be too friendly sometimes and that was a problem

I didn't need.

I tried making excuses as to why I couldn't see them very often, but when Elena called about this party I accepted the invitation immediately. The party was being hosted by a person whose name made all the bells inside me go off.

An hour later the party was winding down. Elena and Alfonso were doing there own socializing and had forgotten all about me. As of yet I had not found the elusive Annais D'Autremont. I was bored. I was obsessed. I needed to know. Something inside me drove me on. Sometimes all I could feel was the need to know. Why? What had I forgotten that haunted me even years later?

I began to drift around the party, just walking around listening to different conversations not engaging in any. All of a sudden I felt someone watching me. I turned and started scanning the room, surprised when my eyes locked with hers. Quite suddenly something rattled inside me. I looked away quickly. Something in this woman's eyes had made me uncomfortable.

I found myself looking around the room several times during the night and I would always stop as soon as my eyes found her.
She was beautiful, seeming to glide within the room. She was truly exquisite. Immaculately dressed and as she spoke she seemed to mesmerize the people around her. I could see the web she spun around them as she spoke. I smiled to myself. You could see men just drooling over themselves as she spun her web of charm and seduction. Because that is what it was. She played with them all. She liked the reactions and as our eyes met once more there was a moment of recognition; she knew I could see her game. I walked in another direction and put distance between those eyes and myself.

I found myself noticing the view of New York City. It was such a beautiful night that I decided to go out to the verandah before I started looking for my friends again. I walked out and the breeze was wonderful. It was a warm breeze but it cooled and caressed your skin as it moved. The city looked so beautiful from up here. I raised my face up and closed my eyes as I let the breeze caress my body. I heard a noise from the shadows and my eyes came upon two forms embraced in a passionate kiss. Something about the two figures kept me staring, unable to look away.

I shouldn't be here a voice inside me kept repeating. I heard whispering and a woman emerged from the shadows and walked back into the party. She hadn't noticed me standing there at all. I felt like an intruder.

My eyes returned to the darkness and I was met by those same eyes I had met that night over and over again. She just stood there looking at me from the shadows.

I felt embarrassment wash over me and, although it was dark and she could not have seen me blush, I realized she knew I had seen them when her mouth smiled seductively. I stood motionless for a moment and then, when she started walking towards me, I walked past her quickly and hurried back inside. I had come upon a situation I wanted no part of.
I looked around the room and still no sight of Elena and Alfonso.

"I promise I don't bite," I heard a soft voice whisper behind me and I turned toward it.

She stood barely a foot away. Her perfume filled my senses and up close she was more beautiful to me than she had seemed before. I just stared not knowing exactly what to say.

She put out her hand and said, "My name is Francesca." She held my hand a moment and just as quickly released it. "Are you going to tell me yours?" She asked teasingly.

"Cristina...I'm Cristina," I said feeling rather foolish. After all, this woman's life was none of my business. She started talking of things in general and I found myself mesmerized by her charm just as all others seemed to be.

She had the knack of putting you at ease. I found myself enjoying my conversation with her. I was relaxed and for the first time that night I was enjoying the party. She was so easy to talk to. When she laughed it was like music. I felt like the moth drawn in by the flame. Perhaps through Francesca I could meet the person I was looking for.

We spoke for about an hour sitting on a large white couch. I had not found anyone in all the time that I had been here that I felt so comfortable talking to. There was something soothing and familiar about being with her. I forgot all about the incident on the verandah and just allowed myself to enjoy her company.

"I've never seen you in one of my parties," she said as she looked around the room.

My eyes flew to her face. "Your party?" I asked, my eyes looking away for a moment before they met hers again.

"Yes," she said softly turning to look at me.

"You're Annais D'Autremont?" I asked in surprise.

"Yes, but my friends call me Francesca."

It only took a moment before I recovered from the surprise. "You've caught me, I crashed your party with my friends" I said to her with an embarrassed smile.

"Don't be silly, I'm glad you came," she said gracefully.

After a few minutes, Alfonso and Elena finally appeared.

"Ah, Annais finally we get you to ourselves. I see you've met Cristina" Elena said.

"Yes, we've been talking a good while now," she said with a smile as her hand briefly touched my knee.

Elena and Alfonso joined us. When we decided it was time to take our leave she invited me to lunch and shopping. I agreed to meet her the next day. She said good-bye to my friends and then to me, kissing me lightly on the cheek. Used to this behavior, as it was natural in Europe, and I returned her kiss. I realized it had been a mistake immediately when I saw her reaction. She took my hand in hers, holding my hand a little too long. Her eyes searched mine for a moment.

"I'll see you tomorrow, Cristina," she said softly.

I slowly pulled my hand out of hers. I was walking towards the door when she spoke again. "Cristina, your last name? I'm supposed to meet you tomorrow and I don't even know your last name."

"Alcala. Cristina Alcala."

I saw a moment of recognition in her eyes but she quickly masked her thoughts. I had been right, she knew something. I had to know what it was. This is the closest I had ever gotten to my past.

"Do you know my family?" I asked her. After a moment she nodded, her face and her eyes searched mine.

"Perhaps you knew my parents?" I asked. "They were Carlotta and Estafan Alcala." Her face went pale as I finished. "You knew them didn't you?" She just stared at me without saying a word.

My eyes searched hers but they were closed to me now. We stood facing each other for what seemed like a century.

"Cristina? Cristina?" Elena's voice broke the uncomfortable silence.

The spell was broken. I mustn't scare her away. Not now, not yet. I mustn't scare her away. That sentence kept going over and over again in my head.

"I'm sorry Francesca. I was only nine when they died and I was ill for a long time afterwards. My memories are vague at best. I always like to know people who knew them, but my enthusiasm sometimes gets the better of me. See you tomorrow?" I looked at her presenting a calmness I did not feel. She smiled and nodded.

"Tomorrow," she stated simply.

I tossed and turned all night. She knew them. She had acknowledged knowing them. She could clear up so many of my questions. I knew that. I felt I was right. She was the one that would be able to help me put it all together. I had to be patient. I had to be in control of the situation. I mustn't let my emotions rule my life as my parents had. They paid for their mistakes with their lives. This last thought disturbed me.

People saw only what they wanted to see. My parents were led by their passions and sometimes their children got in the way. When that happened Maria and I usually got left behind.

Francesca had been the person I wanted to meet at that party. She had been the reason I went. I must also confess that I felt guilty. Why? I didn't know why. Yes I did. I had liked her. Why should that bother me?

Many times I thought of picking up the telephone and telling my grandmother I was going home. But, deep inside I knew I would never do that. I wanted to know why the death of my parents had always been a subject that we never discussed.
The need to find out what had happened to them had become an obsession. I had lost Maria. I could still sometimes remember her little hand in mine and how it felt. Perhaps, that's what really prompted me to try to find out what had happened. I needed to make some type of sense of the loss. There had to be a reason. It could not have been a simple accident. If so, why the mystery?

I had looked through newspaper clippings and articles written about the accident and all the gossip that had followed. The speculations and the innuendo's had been horrible. All I had was a name. That name was Annais D'Autremont. I had found it in my father's papers. Her name had also been entered in my mother's most desirable guest dinner lists, which had been my mother's bible. Her name had appeared everywhere. She was also in the funeral attendance list. I had asked grandmother about her once and all I heard from the other side of the phone was silence. She said she did not know her. But, I knew it was a lie.
Annais D'Autremont was someone that would be able to tell me more. I knew she was involved somehow. I could feel it. She would clear up some questions, I felt sure of it. Or at least be able to tell me more than what I knew or had guessed.

Why did I have to like her? Perhaps, it was just a coincidence; her name being all over. Perhaps I wanted answers so badly that I saw shadows where there were none.

I slept very little. Nevertheless, I was showered and dressed for my luncheon with Francesca two hours early.

So many questions going through my head. The two hours seemed to disappear and I was brought back to reality by the ringing of the telephone.

As soon as I heard the voice I knew instantly that it was her. She offered to pick me up instead of meeting at the restaurant since it was sometimes hard to get a cab at the lunch hour. I accepted the lift and thanked her. She would be passing by to pick me up in about thirty minutes. I hung up the receiver and waited with anticipation.

We went to Le Cirque for Lunch. The setting had been orchestrated to impress. Francesca ordered for us. The waiter new her by name. She was apparently a frequent customer. She asked me to let her surprise me, and surprise me she did. And, yes I was impressed by her choices. I guess it wasn't so much the choices but the combinations. Francesca was a woman of the world and was familiar with the trappings of wealth. It showed with her choices of foods and wines. Everything about her had an air of sensuality.

Lunch was wonderful. I found myself just enjoying her company and now I can admit that I chose not to ask any questions because I just wanted to be with her.

Her manners and her smile felt familiar, almost like a part of me. Neither of us referred to the past. We talked for hours, and decided to shop another day since we had stayed so long over lunch.

She would be away for a week and we agreed to meet on her return. I remember feeling incredible disappointment that she was leaving. It must have shown because her hand went over mine.

"I'll be back before you know it," she said gently to me.

I was looking at her hand on mine and then my eyes went to her face. There was always an aura of familiarity with Francesca. In that moment our eyes said more than any words could have.

"Would you like to come with me?" She asked quite suddenly. "With you?" I repeated incredulously.

"Why not? You would like St. Maarten. I'm building a house there and I must go and check its progress." I was caught off guard, but the excitement must have shown on my face. "Come on, come with me. You'll love the beach and the sun. It's so cold here now." It only took a minute for me to accept.

"Yes, I would love to come. Thank you Francesca," I answered exuberantly. She smiled at my excitement. A few days later we were on a plane for St. Maarten.

I remember how great the wave of heat felt as we got out of the airplane after the cold that had begun to be felt in New York. Francesca returned my smile. It was warm and the air was filled with the fragrances of wild flowers, combining with the smell of the ocean.

It was a different world. A world with warm breezes and the sound of the rustleing of the leaves; a world that was filled with the blueness of an ocean never far away. It was a world of flowers; it was far away from all I had ever known.
We were met by a limousine and taken to a condominium on one of the resorts in St. Maarten. We were right on the beach. It felt so soothing to hear the rushing of the waves.

I stood in front of a picture window looking out to the ocean. Francesca came from up behind me and put her hands on my shoulders. I looked back at her and smiled.

"Happy Tina?" she asked.

My face suddenly changed. I felt angry. Quite suddenly I was filled with a rage that shook my whole body.

"Don't call me that," I said rather harshly.

I looked out to the ocean again. She removed her hands from my shoulders as if my skin had burned her. I knew that she was still quite close. Our eyes met on the reflection of the picture window. She was looking at me questioning.

"Why?" she asked softly.

"I don't like it,...I just don't like it." I wrapped my arms around myself in a protective gesture. I felt a shiver going through me. I felt cold.

My anger disappeared as quickly as it had appeared. I was suddenly filled with fear. I looked in her direction not knowing why, my eyes filled with unshed tears. She hesitated for a moment and then quickly took me into her arms. After a few minutes she held me at arms length and spoke.

"It's so beautiful here Cristina, why don't we go for a drive? Then we can go into the water when the sun is not that strong, hmm?" She looked into my eyes very lovingly now.

I looked into her eyes and it was reassurance that I remember feeling.

"Okay," I replied all the anxiety forgotten.

She walked over to a small table near the door and took some keys from its drawer. She turned to me and put her hand out to me. I took it without the merest hesitation and we went for a drive.

St. Maarten was paradise. The island was divided into two parts. One was Dutch and the other was French. We were staying on the French part of the island. It only took a few hours to go around the whole island. At every turn there was ocean and sky. It was a world filled with sun, water and sky.

I had begun to relax again. After driving around most of the island we decided to do some shopping. I knew that she came here often but we played tourists for the day for my benefit. We walked and went in and out of local shops.

It was around three in the afternoon when we headed back to the condo. I put on the bathing suit we had bought in town that Francesca had liked and went out to meet her. She was already on the beach.

She was sitting in a lounge chair with a big brimmed hat on, drinking some icy pink drink. I ran past her and knocked her hat off. I was laughing and I knew that she was running after me, but I got to the water first.

Eventually she caught me. We were splashing water at each other and she playfully pushed me under the water. I was filled quite suddenly with panic. When I came up I gasped for air.

Francesca was immediately by me and embraced me. She pushed my hair away from my face and spoke gently to me. "I'm sorry if I frightened you mon petite cher." I clung to her. Still holding me she kissed my cheek and brushed my lips with hers.
I pulled back from her and swam away. She did not move until I turned and waved for her to follow at which time she dove into the water and came after me.

We stayed in the water for an hour or so. We splashed each other with water and played like children for the remainder of the afternoon. Francesca reminded me of the carefree feelings of childhood. And like the pied piper, I followed her. After awhile she asked if I was hungry. I was famished so we swam back to shore to shower so we could have dinner.

We spent the next few days mostly meeting with her architect and inspecting the site where her house was being built during the day. In the evenings, we would go out to dinner and finish up in some disco for the night.

I had begun to sleep badly. One night I remember dreaming that I was in a car and it was going very fast. I looked at who was driving and I saw my father. He and mother were arguing and quite suddenly I heard mother scream and I saw us falling off the cliff. I sat up in bed screaming in fear.

Francesca rushed into the room and took me in her arms.

"I went off the cliff with them.......Oh god, they were fighting and the car went off the cliff." I said as I clung to her while sobbing into her shoulder. She tightened her embrace.

"It's alright," she whispered into my ear.

"I don't want to be afraid Francesca. I don't want to be afraid anymore," I confessed to her. "Hold me, please, just hold me" I pleaded as I cried.

"I won't let go," she said, reassuring me. I fell asleep in her arms.

The next few days were uneventful. We shopped and swam in the afternoons. Ever since the night she comforted me, something had changed between us. There was a closeness that felt familiar.

One day, Francesca asked if I would like to take a boat to a neighboring island. I said I thought it was a great idea. The island was called St. Barths, and was legendary for its wild beauty in the area.

She hired a catamaran to take us over. We sat in the front part of the boat and as it rose with the waves we went up what seemed like ten to fifteen feet and came quickly down before another wave brought us up again. It was the most exciting thing I had ever done. I caught my breath before we were hit with yet another ascent up to the sky.

It took about two hours before we got to the island. Francesca had hired a car to show us around. After some sightseeing of the older part of the island, we went to a restaurant that was right on the beach to have lunch. We had crab bisque with white wine. Everything around us was wild and overgrown. The greenery and the floral scents seeped into your system. I felt lazy and sleepy. All that could be seen was ocean and the sound of the rushing of the waves. This was another world; wild and beautiful.
After we finished lunch we walked on the beach for a long time. Eventually, we sat down and just stared at the water. The rushing sound of the waves were soothing. I laid back and closed my eyes. I felt her lift my head and put her jacket under it. My eyes were heavy. I was filled with a peacefulness I had once felt long ago and I took comfort in the peace.

We were in a bubble. Nothing and no one else existed. I felt at peace for the first time in a long time. All I could hear was the rushing sound of the sea and all I could feel was the breeze caressing my body. I was breathing in her perfume and her hair was brushing my face. My eyes closed and her lips lightly kissed mine. I smiled and fell asleep.

I remember her waking me. It was getting dark. I saw her smiling face over me. I stretched and smiled back.
"Welcome back sleeping beauty." She said tenderly. She suddenly looked very serious as her face came closer to mine. Her mouth kissed mine, her tongue started tracing my lips. I felt something alien stirring inside me. Kissing Francesca was loosing myself to her. And I realized that I welcomed it.

I got up on my elbows and broke contact with her. Abruptly, the situation that I found myself in hit home. She caressed my face with her hand and then leisurely traveled down my body. I felt her fingers lightly move over my breast, down my abdomen, then back up and down my thigh. I stood frozen in her spell. I neither encouraged or discouraged her.

She never stopped looking at me as she did this. I just lay there and did nothing. When I was about to say something, she got up quickly and lightheartedly said, "Let's go, we'll miss the boat back," and she started running down the beach.
I got up quickly and ran after her.

The days that followed were filled with the aura of sensuality, suntan lotion, and the sultry sea air. I had put the incident on the beach out of my mind. I did not want to see. I did not want to feel what I was feeling. It was easier to just ignore it. And, as I had done many times before in my life, that is exactly what I did. I just put it away in a box to look at another day.
The last afternoon that we spent on the beach I started to ask her some questions. This borrowed time was coming to an end and I had to start thinking about what I had come for. At least, that's what I told myself. We were both lying on lounge chairs facing the water.

"Francesca, can you tell me about my parents?" It was a simple enough question.

She showed no sign of discomfort. Without skipping a breath she spoke. "What would you like to know?" She took a sip of her drink, never taking her eyes away from the water.

"All that you know," I said looking directly at her now. "That's a lot." She still did not look at me. Silence was her answer. She got up suddenly. "Come on," she said holding her hand out to me. "I've had a cabana put up down the beach so we could sunbathe before we go." I was just looking at her, not answering. "We both have strap marks from the bathing suits. Come on, we'll talk there." She held her hand out. I took her hand and we walked down the beach in silence.
Upon reaching the cabana she removed her top and turned to me so I could follow. I just stood there not moving.
"Turn around I'll unhook the back of you suit."

I turned around apprehensively. She unhooked my bikini top and let it fall to the floor. I turned around to face her. She smiled and laid down on a towel. I laid down next to her.

"The sun tingles," she said jokingly.

"Yes," I answered, laughing nervously.

"Have you ever sunbathed?"

"No."

"Here, put some lotion on my back will you?" She turned her back to me.

I took the bottle and started rubbing suntan lotion on her. She put her hair up and laid down on her back. I knew she expected me to rub lotion on her chest. I just stood motionless, not knowing what to do now, feeling quite juvenile holding a suntan lotion bottle looking like a scared rabbit.

She took the bottle from my hand and gently said, "I'll put the rest on." She spread the lotion all over her and I laid back on my towel, relieved.

"Turn around and I'll rub some on you," she said. I just stared, unsure and it showed. "Oh come on Cristina, don't be silly you're going to get sunburned."

Feeling rather foolish I turned my back to her. She rubbed her hands with the lotion and when she started to rub my back it felt warm. When she finished with my back, like her, I put my hair up and laid back. I reached out for the bottle but she did not hand it over.

"I'm not embarrassed like you." She poured some lotion in her hands and began to rub them together again.

Her hands first came over my shoulders and down my arms. They felt warm as she stroked my skin over and over. The way she was applying the lotion it felt more like gentle caresses on my body. And her eyes, her eyes never looked away for a moment. She started rubbing lotion on my sides and quite suddenly over my breasts. And as she stroked them and I began to feel my body starting to pulsate. My eyes closed and as my mouth opened to gasp for air a groan escaped my lips. One hand stroked my breast while the other went over my abdomen.

My breathing became hard and my body reacted. She poured more lotion into her hands and rubbed them together yet again to heat up the oil. My eyes opened slightly as I saw her hands come over my breasts once more and when her lips came to meet mine, I welcomed them.

My mouth opened welcoming her and I began to return her kiss. It was like a fire that spread quickly. I welcomed her mouth as it took mine and I felt my body move up to make contact with hers. Her mouth traveled down my neck and I could feel a hunger growing inside me that threatened to devour me. Her mouth traveled lower and as it took possession of the erect nipple on my breast a moan of raw desire escaped my mouth.

We then heard a surprised intake of breath. Someone came upon us. I pulled away quickly attempting to cover myself. Francesca was furious and started yelling in French at the attendant. I just cringed away covering my nakedness with the towel.
I could have stopped her at any time, I knew that. But I chose not to for reasons of my own that I gave myself. Lies. All the reasons I gave myself were lies. I walked back to the condo in silence and in confusion. Francesca followed after awhile.
I took a shower, pleaded a headache and went to bed early. We flew back to New York the next morning. We never discussed what had occurred. She acted as if nothing had happened and I followed suit.

After arriving in New York I didn't hear from her for the next few days. I called my grandmother and said nothing about my trip with Francesca. She had been feeling poorly and she wanted me to come home. Something inside me told me I should go, over and over again. But, at the same time something kept me wanting to go on. I got together with Elena for lunch a few times. She told me all the news that my grandmother always omitted when talking to me about home. Elena was pleasant enough. It was Alfonso I had a problem with.

It had been a week since I had last seen or spoken to Francesca, so when she called I was taken by surprise. She sounded cold and distant. She suggested we meet for lunch. I agreed. I had been sidetracked but I had to get back to the reason for my being in New York. Francesca would give me the answers I needed. That was the reason I gave myself for agreeing to see her. She said that she would pick me up within half an hour.

In almost exactly thirty minutes my doorbell rang. I opened it knowing full well that it was she.

"Francesca, how lovely to see you again. Come in, please," I said to her politely. She kissed me hello on the cheek and walked in. As she kissed me the scent of her perfume filled all my senses and as she walked past me, I again felt that pull toward her.
She was dressed in a tailored gray linen suit that seemed to fit her body like a glove, accented with a silver gray fox wrap around her neck. She had matching gloves and shoes and her hair was up and tucked in the back. She was the perfect picture of elegance and, as my grandmother would say, good breeding.

Quite suddenly I realized that I had been staring and looked away in embarrassment. She was looking at me in a very peculiar manner as well. I began to feel very uncomfortable and at the exact moment I was about to say something, the phone rang.
"Excuse me, Francesca." I walked over to the phone to answer it. As I picked up the phone I thought to myself that this was a game which, at that moment, I realized I might not be able to handle. I should have listened to that voice inside me. But I was young. And, when you are young nothing seems impossible. I was filled with a courage I did not have. I was not worldly. Nothing had prepared me for what was happening inside me . I could feel her eyes on me and the sensation that it awoke in my body. I was shocked back to reality by the voice on the other side of the telephone.

"Grandmama, is that you?" I felt like a bucket of ice water had been dumped on me.

I could almost visibly touch the apprehension in the room. Francesca was nervous. I could see her reflection on the mirror to the side of me. At that moment I knew she was the key. The key players were now on the game board.

"Grandmama, I'm fine. No, I won't be coming back in the immediate future. I want to stay here for a while longer. I've made a new friend and we are going out to lunch now." I could see Francesca's discomfort growing."Yes. I'll call you soon. Te quiero mucho Abuela." And with those loving words, I hung up the receiver. I turned to Francesca with a big smile on my face. The chase was on.

"That was my grandmother from Spain." I told her as I picked up my own gloves and purse. I looked up to meet her eyes.
She walked slowly toward me and stopped a few inches away from me. Her eyes searched my face and then her eyes locked with mine. I stared at her questioning. Her face got closer, her lips brushed mine. This should not have surprised me after what had happened on the island but it did. I heard the intake of my breath as my mouth opened in surprise. And then quite suddenly I realized I had been waiting for this. I stood frozen in fear and anticipation. I could only hear the pounding of my heart like loud drums in my ears.

She pulled back slightly and looked into my eyes again. I could feel the rushing sound vibrating all over my body. Her lips found mine but this time I felt them open and I could feel their warmth on mine. I mustn't let this game go on too far, I told myself. I thought I was in control but, suddenly I realized that I was being pulled into the fire like a moth and like the moth it would kill me. I was falling fast into a vacuum I hadn't the strength to fight against.

At that moment I felt her hand on my back pressing me to her and as if in slow motion I saw and felt my body melt into hers. I hadn't the power or the desire to stop her. Her other hand cupped my breast while her thumb was stroking my nipple. My eyes closed and a groan escaped my lips. They opened and I gave into the growing need inside me.

I returned her kiss with a passion I had never experienced before. At that moment I felt her pull away from me. There was an odd look in her eyes. She was fighting for control. And at that moment I could see she had not planned on feeling this. The pleasure had surprised her. The pleasure had surprised me. We both stood inches away looking at one another.
As the passion of the moment faded the smokiness of embarrassment and confusion replaced desire in my eyes. She recovered much faster. She looked at me in surprise and then went on the defensive.

"You've never kissed a woman before!" She didn't ask, she stated.

"I have been asking myself that question after what happened at the beach that day. Your eyes wanted me to touch you but the signals were all wrong." She said to me. "You're what? Twenty-one now? Tell me, have you ever been with a woman?" She was yelling now.

I just stood there, saying nothing, looking confused and speechless. My eyes looked down and my answer was a whisper "No."
After a long silence she spoke again, her voice angry. "You're just a baby, aren't you?"

I looked up in a mixture of anger and confusion. She was now pacing.

"I am not, I'm of legal age!" I stated in indignation. She stopped and looked at me again.

"You're playing a game you know nothing about. Have you even been with a man?"

"Yes," I answered too quickly.

"Liar," she said softly and started walking toward me again. She stopped directly in front of me. "You are playing with fire and you're going to get burned. Why don't you go home?" Her voice was still soft as her eyes lightly caressed my face.
I was totally unprepared for this. What made me think I could handle something like this, I remember thinking at the time. The anxiety inside me began to grow out of control. My breathing became heavy and erratic and I started feeling dizzy.

"Stop it," she said. I couldn't catch my breath. I started gasping for air. "You're hyperventilating. Calm down and breath slowly." She helped me to sit down on a chair close by.

I tried to relax but it was impossible. I reached inside my purse and pulled out my inhaler. She stood in front of me staring in surprise. I pumped the mist into my mouth. I couldn't catch my breath and I started to panic. I could see the inhaler dropping from my hand to the floor in slow motion. She quickly picked it up. I reached for her in panic and fell to the floor on my knees.
"Stop!! Let me help you!" She yelled. She put the inhaler in my mouth and pumped it. "Try to calm down," she said gently.
Francesca helped me up onto the sofa near by. She started to unbutton my jacket and to loosen my clothing to facilitate my breathing. After awhile my breathing started to regulate itself a little. She never left my side. My head went back to rest on the back of the sofa as I gasped for air. I closed my eyes and tried to concentrate on the simple task of drawing in air to fill my lungs.

Whenever this happened it always left me feeling weak and tired. My eyes felt heavy and my breathing was still erratic. I had never been alone with an attack. Always, there was the fear that if I were I might one day not be able to survive it. This trip to New York had been a step toward my independence, but my independence was short lived. She stood up and I reached for her. I was suddenly filled with fear of being alone. "No! Don't leave me!" I pleaded and the added excitement started my asthma attack once more.

I held on hard to her as if by hanging on harder I could somehow get a breath of air into my lungs. She pushed me down onto the sofa and again helped me with the inhaler.

"I'm not going anywhere, you little idiot." Her voice was stern. "Calm down before you kill yourself." She sat next to me on the sofa and her hand stroked my face gently. "You foolish girl. Breathe slowly. Come on, try." She whispered softly into my ear. "Close your eyes I know what to do. Relax Tina, just relax." She continued to stroke my face as she spoke gently to me.
Slowly my breathing started to become more regular. My limbs felt like lead and my eyes felt so heavy that I could hardly open them. My lungs hurt. It hurt all over from the strain of my trying to breathe. I don't know how long we sat there before I heard her voice from a distance. "I'll help you to bed Tina"

Suddenly, I was nine years old again.

"I'll help you to bed Tina," mother said.

"No, I want to go with you and papa," I protested.

"Will you stay with her?"

"Mama!" I cried.

"Carlotta, this can wait she needs you!"

"I'm taking care of this now. This is not the first asthma attack she has ever had." Her answer sounded very callous.

"Mama!" I cried in fear.

"Cristina, stop it!" She pushed my hands aways from her.

"Go, I'll put her to bed. I'll stay with her," another female voice said.

"I'll tell him on the way. Be here when I get back?" Mother asked as she was leaving.

I was in bed and a cool hand was gently stroking my face. Lips were kissing my forehead.

"I'll stay with you little one, don't be afraid. I won't leave you alone." I was wrapped in a soothing embrace. I opened my eyes ever so slightly and said "No me dejes," Don't leave me.

"No, me quedare contigo hasta que no tengas miedo y te sientas mejor mi amigita." I will stay with you until you are no longer afraid and you are feeling better my little one

"Quiero ir contigo." I want to go with you. I said and out of the shadows I saw the face that had comforted me that day.
The face I saw was Francesca's. The same face I was looking at now. I stared at her in silence. Her face had hardly changed. Her beauty had matured but it was obvious to me that it had been her. My hand reached out for her face and I touched her cheek lightly to see if she was real or just a memory.

She looked into my eyes and said, "You were calling for your mother."

I looked away. "Was I?" I asked softly. She remained silent.

She got up and walked toward the window. It had gotten dark. I started to take in my surroundings. I was in my bedroom but I did not remember getting into bed. I tried to sit up, a moan escaped my lips as the pain around my stomach and back became apparent.

She turned quickly and walked back over to me. She sat on the side of the bed and pushed me back down gently. "Relax or you may have another attack come on again."

My eyes filled with unshed tears as I whispered "It hurts." The tears started to roll down my cheeks. Her hand gently brushed them away.

"I know it hurts. I'll rub your back and sides and slowly you'll start to feel better."

She removed the sheet covering me and by doing so revealed my nakedness. I looked up at her as she started to rub the sides of my ribcage.

"The doctor showed me how," she gently answered my questioning eyes. "Don't talk, the strain will make you hurt more." She continued to rubbed my sides. "I had to call in a doctor. He came right away and had to give you an Adrenaline shot. Apparently your attack was rather severe. He also left a prescription of Predizone for you to take for the next few days. That should help you feel better." I just listened as she continued to talk. "Dr. Cardoval is a friend. Luckily, I was able to catch him at home."

She continued to gently massage me and then quite suddenly she plunged right in. "Why are you here alone Cristina?"
I turned to face her. I looked into the familiar eyes of a stranger and I said nothing. My eyes sought hers out for comfort. I was so tired.

Her hand then caressed my face and her lips brushed mine as she softly said, "I'll stay with you till you are better little one." My eyes closed and I fell asleep.

I woke a few times throughout the night and felt her close by in the dark. The pain kept waking me as I turned in bed. I felt her hands comforting my aching body and in the morning I woke to the warmth of her. I could feel her breath on the back of my neck and her arms wrapped around me, holding me close to her.

Oddly enough, it felt right. It was familiar, it was not new. I felt warm and leaned back into her until it dawned on me that I was in bed, naked, in the embrace of a woman. My body suddenly tensed and almost immediately I felt her come awake. Her arms tightened around me.

"Are you alright?" The concern was apparent in her voice. I turned on my back to look at her.

"That's some question taking this scene into account," I answered. A great big smile appeared on her face.

"Well, I can see you put up a great act," she answered. She leaned down and kissed me on the mouth. Just as quickly she jumped out of bed.

"I'm starving," she said as she started dressing. She had been wearing a shift I however had been quite naked. She turned to look at me.

"Well, what would you like for breakfast?" she asked humorously.

I shook my head. "No, I couldn't eat a thing."

"Well, perhaps just some tea." I nodded my head. "Would you like to get up or to stay in bed?" Her voice caressed me seductively. I looked at her nervously. "Don't look so worried. The day I take you to bed it will be because you want to not because I forced you." She was very serious.

"I can never love you," I told her.

She stared very soberly into my eyes. "We'll see. I'll get the tea." She walked out of the room, closing the door behind her.

She came back into the room about fifteen minutes later with a tray in her hands. Her eyes searched the room and found me sitting in front of my dressing table combing out my hair. In her absence, I had put on a pink silk robe.

She put the tray down on a nearby table and walked over to stand behind me. She put her hands on my shoulders, knelt down and I could see the reflection of her face in the mirror next to mine.

"You really are exquisite," she said looking at me. I stood up quickly and moved away from her. I needed to put some distance between us.

"I think you have gotten the wrong idea about me!" I said, staring at her with a confidence I knew I didn't have.

"What idea is that?"

"I'm not like you. I don't like women!" I blurted out. She just looked at me for a long time.

"I see," was all she said. She turned away from me and started to pick up the rest of her things from around the room.
I was unsure of what to do. I had to stop her, I couldn't let her go.

"Francesca, I like you but not like that", I finally said to her as she was opening the door of my bedroom. She turned around and I could see she was angry.

She threw everything on the floor and started walking quickly toward me. I took a step back and she suddenly stopped about three feet away from me.

"Make up your mind darling, because I'm loosing my patience."

"Why must it only be your way?" I asked.

She thought for a moment and then she lashed out. "You knew the night in the verandah about me, you knew I liked you. When I've kissed you, you've kissed me back, and I know you enjoyed my touching you. If it hadn't been for the interruption in the cabana that day, well...who knows, wouldn't you agree? Have I forgotten anything here?" She had pointed out all the obvious truths.

I found myself unable to answer. I sat down on a chair nearby. A long silence stretched between us. I spoke but was unable to look her in the eyes.

"I did enjoy...all that you said is true. But I...I don't want..." I looked up at her standing before me and continued, opting for the truth. "I'm afraid," I was bearly audible.

She turned her back to me and walked over to where she had thrown her clothes and started picking them up. "Damn," she said in regret. She lowered her head as if considering what to do. Her head came up and she placed the clothes on top of the chair near the door.

She turned around and walked toward me very slowly. Her hand reached out to me and my hand went out to meet hers. I stood now in front of her. Her hand came up as if to caress my face but stopped before reaching it.

"I can't be just your friend. This will never work, I never meant for it to go this far. It's better if you just let me walk away."

No! I could hear in my head. No! Don't let her walk away! She is the closest I had ever come to finding out about the death of my parents. I turned my back to her and folded my arms in front of me.

I needed time. I needed Francesca but how far would I go to keep her close? And of course, I also asked myself if I was giving myself all these questions just to find an excuse to absolve my guilt about this type of relationship.

I needed time. That was the card I had to play. I turned and faced her.

"No, I don't want you to go. I need you to tell me that you'll give me time." I played my hand.

"NO!"

"No?" I asked. I had lost.

She started putting on the rest of her clothes. I just stood there, watching her getting ready to walk out. She finally put her shoes on, got up, walked toward the door and walked out of my bedroom.

"Francesca!" I yelled going after her.

She was halfway to the door and stopped still with her back to me. "My name is Annais, Annais D'Autremont. If you ever call me Francesca again we will both understand what that means." She started walking to the front door.

She had reached the door and as her hand touched the handle I said, " I'm afraid to be alone."

She lowered her head a little but she did not turn to me. She would never meet me half way. "It's better this way," she said softly, opened the door, and started to walk out.

"Francesca!" I yelled out to her as I fell to my knees.

My hands covered my face as tears came forth. My cries became sobs and then I felt her arms around me and I reached out and clung to her.

"Okay...Okay don't cry anymore," she kept saying. Sobs shook my body. My tears were not for her, they were for me. "Okay, calm down we don't want you to become ill again." I looked up to her not quite knowing what to expect. "Don't look like that, I'm not going to make love to you now on this floor." She started stroking my hair. I was silent. "We have to get you well now and you need not be afraid, I'll not leave you alone." As she said this she helped me up from the floor.

She held me to her and as I looked into her eyes I saw there something that surprised me. She started to speak very softly. "From the first moment I saw you I wanted you. Something inside me told me that knowing you would change my life forever. For a moment, that night I thought that I better just pass you by. Then you walked out to the verandah and saw me. When I saw you blush I knew, I knew that I had to make you mine or I would die wanting you. When I found out who you were...I should not have come, God forgive me. I should have stayed away. I don't want to hurt you, I just can't help myself...I want you so badly it hurts." As she fell quiet, I found myself once again not knowing how to respond to her.

She pulled me closer to her with one hand and with the other she started wiping my tears away. "Mon, petit cher, je te necesite avec moi, tu ne me necesite pas, mais je te necesite, pardonez moi....pardonez moi."

I looked at her in complete bewilderment. I could only imagine what she was saying by the softness in her voice. "I don't understand."

"I'll show you." As she said this the hand wiping away my tears went around my neck and pulled me to her.

Her lips were warm and inviting and just as before my body seemed to catch on fire. I had not tried to fight her even for a second. This time my response came faster than before. I wanted to feel her body next to mine. My hands went up her back and I pressed myself closer to her.

I told myself that I was prepared to do anything to find out about my parents. But I know now as I knew then from the very beginning I did not want to face the fact that I was also filled with desire for her.

She filled me with a hunger I had never known. At that moment I was the one that wanted and I let my hunger lead the way.
The passion between us exploded and spread quickly thought out my body. All that I wanted was to go on feeling. Francesca had been right, I had never been with a man or a woman. I had been allowed to have admirers. They had kissed me and fondled me, but I had never felt this fire.

Her mouth traveled to the side of my neck. I felt my back arching as she parted my robe and started cupping my breast. Her mouth descended to my breast as well. I inhaled at the pleasure her mouth was giving me. I was panting with desire as her mouth travel over my breasts. I became giddy with the excitement and I felt myself leave the world and float away in a cloud of pleasure.

We laid in bed all day. The outside world simply did not exist. I had never imagined feeling so much pleasure. And like a lost traveler in the desert she was like water to me. I was filled with such a thirst for her that I thought I would never be able to quench it.

I look out the window and it was dark again. I had known her for less than three weeks. So much had happened in such a short time. She was so much a part of me now. It had been like a roller coaster ride I had been on when I had been very little. It had enticed and frightened me but what a thrill it had been. I had never in my life felt such contentment as I felt lying in her arms at that moment.

I should never have come to New York. The past would catch up with me eventually and I would have to pay the price. But, that day I thought I was still mistress of my fate. How naive. I didn't know anything of the world, how could I know anything about me. I pressed myself to her and I felt her embrace tighten as she kissed my forehead. And at that moment that was all that mattered.

"We have to get some food into you," she mumbled softly.

"Not hungry."

"A coke?" She asked jokingly

"Na-ah."

"Let me take care of you," she said.

I felt my body tense up. I sat up on the bed. "I don't need you to take care of me." My reply was harsher then I had meant it to be.

She was sitting next to me almost immediately. She tried touching my shoulder and I brushed her hand away. "What's the matter with you?" She asked.

"There's nothing the matter with me. You were very clear about what you wanted. Now I'm telling you what I want and don't want."

She just looked at me trying to take in the scene and figure out what was happening. I started getting up and her hand grabbed my arm.

"Why are you acting this way?" She demanded.

"Isn't this what you wanted, Francesca? You wanted to get me in bed. You wanted it your way. Well, we did it your way. What do you want now?" I blurted out in impatience.

"Don't tell me you didn't want to do this!" She exclaimed. I said nothing. Now she was furious. "Dammit! Dammit, I knew this was going to be a tempestuous love affair." she yelled, getting out of bed. "Don't you insinuate that I forced you into this. You knew what you were doing!!"

She was pacing and growing angrier by the minute. "I won't take responsibility for your guilt now, do you hear? I have never, never..." she ended her tirade very quietly. Her back was to me.

She turned, faced me and very slowly started talking again. "I didn't intend to make love to you today. But, I also knew if you didn't accept the thought of it today you never would." she kept speaking as I just sat in the bed listening. "I just intended to kiss
you. I didn't expect your reaction. I wasn't the one that initiated our love making. You must see that?"

"Love making?"

She looked at me in bewilderment. "What do you think this was?"

"You wanted me, you don't love me, FRANCESCA!" I emphasized her name sarcastically.

"Is that what is bothering you? You think that I'm just using you?" She asked incredulously. I did not respond. "I am not your mother!!" She yelled.

"Shut Up!! Just shut up!! I yelled back, covering my ears so as not to hear anymore.

She took a step closer and very slowly started talking. "I have never felt such passion for anyone." She paused. "When I called you on the phone I had every intention of never seeing you again. But, I couldn't stay away. I tried to...you must believe that." She finished and came to sit next to me.

"I found myself in love with you. I wanted to see you, but I didn't plan on this. You're so young," she spoke softly. As she continued to stare at me, her eyes became smoky with desire.

"I'm not that young, Francesca," I said to her with a touch of sarcasm.

"From the first moment I saw you at my party I fell in love with you. Before I knew who you were."

After a little while she laid back down on the bed. She opened her arms to me. My eyes scanned her beautiful body. How could I have forgotten her?

The memory of her came back to me like in a fog. Slowly, it came back to me. I had seen her in a bathing suit once when I was younger and I remember admiring her beauty.

I was playing with my sister in the pool and she was sitting close by talking to my mother. She had hardly changed.

And as she laid on my bed, I found my hands caressing her body. When they reached her breasts, I could see how excited she was. Her nipples were hard and her arms reached out to pull me to her.

I grabbed her hands and pinned them down over her head as I laid on top of her. I was teasing her lips, bearly brushing them with mine, as my body rubbed against hers.

"I love you," she whispered and my mouth still kept teasing her. I could feel her body moving beneath mine.

"Please tell me you love me," she pleaded as tears rolled down her face.

"Now we do it my way," I said as my lips opened and I started kissing her in earnest.

Later on that night she brought me food and I was fed by her in bed. She was no longer in charge of this game.

I was awakened the next morning by the ringing of the telephone next to my bed. I reached for the receiver.

"Hello?" I said half asleep. My eyes immediately opened and I quickly sat up in bed. "Grandmama!" I said in surprise and proceeded to wrap a sheet around me. "No, I was just asleep," I told her. "I'm fine really. Yes, I haven't forgotten. I need to do this. We have talked this out already. I'm sorry grandmama. I don't want to hurt you but I can't just let it go. Yes, I promise. How is Tomas? I miss him too. I'll call soon. Te quiero mucho, Adios." I replaced the receiver.

I could feel Francesca looking at me. "Who is Tomas?" she asked.

"My cat," I replied.

I had not moved after hanging up the telephone. I just sat there looking straight ahead. She said nothing else. "You knew my parents?" I spoke without moving, knowing what the answer would be.

"Yes," was all she said.

"You knew them very well."

There was a long pause before she spoke this time. "Yes," she finally answered barely audible. Still, neither of us moved. The room was filled with an ominous silence.

"I love you" she finally whispered. My eyes shut closed and I took in a deep breath. I turned slowly to face her.

My eyes were not forgiving. I could see fear in her eyes as tears ran down her face. At that moment she was about to say something and I did something rather strange that to this day I have not forgiven myself for. I placed my fingers over her lips.
"Not now...not today." I told her. She threw herself into my arms and started crying in earnest.

My arms went around her and I stroked her hair as I held her close to me. I moved in with Francesca a few days later.

I had made up lie after lie each time I spoke to my grandmother as to why I was never home when she called. I kept the apartment of course, and would pick up my messages twice a day. I had a cleaning service come in and clean once a week. The place had to be kept as if it were lived in. I had become an expert at fabrications.

I had put out of my mind completely why I had come to New York. I liked being with Francesca. I liked going to bed with her. She made me feel alive and I hadn't felt alive for so long. If I could keep my two worlds apart, I might actually be happy.
What was happening to me? This lie of a life I was living was more real than anything else I had ever experienced. It was as if all that had ever happened in my life had occurred to prepare me for this and I would enjoy this for as long as it lasted.
When we had been living together for over three months, I found myself wanting to share so much with her. I could have been mistaken about her supposed involvement with the death of my parents. It wasn't entirely impossible. We both walked carefully as if around eggshells. Our relationship was so frail and we tried so hard. However, somehow no matter what, there were moments that we realized this peace would not last.

We both knew there was an invisible line that we must not cross. And, we both respected those boundaries. Our public outings were limited to certain clubs, places that were private and were not frequented by the people that she knew and the few that might know me.

We never discussed doing this intentionally but we both understood when the other would hint that we should not go to this place and that we should try another. I knew that Francesca had practically given up her social life.
When we were both seen in public we were politely friendly. People might very well comment that we were polite strangers that met by chance on several occasions. I would occasionally go out with Elena and Alfonso because I knew that my grandmother asked about me and what I was doing as a matter of conversation with Elena's grandmother. And her grandmother, like mine, had a tight hold on Elena.

One day, Francesca had gone out to some committee meeting and I had gone window shopping. It had been a day like so many others I had gone shopping. I liked living in the United States. I liked the variety of cultures, foods and music. I bought a few CD's of different kinds of music and had found that I had begun to like some country musicians. I liked Patsy Cline in particular and bought an old album newly released on CD. I was listening to the music when Francesca arrived home.
"Oh God, what is that you're listening to?" She wrinkled her nose in playful mockery.

"Patsy Cline," I replied with a smile. Some of my new taste in music really drove her crazy.

"I don't know how you can like that," she said, walking all around the packages I still had on the floor from my shopping odyssey.

"Oh come on Francesca give it a chance," I joked with her. She shook her head. "You should get off your patrician pedestal and give it a shot. Let down your hair as they say here in America," I laughed.

"Oh God, I can't believe an Alcala saying that." Almost immediately she realized she had made a mistake.
I stood up in front of her. "Well you should know!" I spit out. She froze.

My eyes grew cold and feelings that I had tried to bury came up to the surface. We were surrounded by the loud music and as it floated by we were still as in a picture frame. The song playing was of love and the pain that old memories bring. The words touched me so deeply that my memories broke the stillness.

Quite suddenly, in a small instant, I saw her and mother laughing together. Then my mother embraced her. They noticed me in the room and Francesca suddenly pulled away.

I quickly walked over to the CD player and turned off the music. I blinked the memory away.

I started picking up packages and took them to the bedroom, leaving her standing in the living room. I threw the bags on the bed and went back to get the rest. I found her standing in the same place I had left her in.

"I thought you would return later so I accepted an invitation from Elena and Alfonso for dinner," I said as I picked up the rest of the packages.

"Tina, let me explain," she pleaded.

I turned quickly towards her. "Don't! We have an understanding!" I said furiously.

"Tina, please let me explain."

"Don't call me that! Don't ever call me that EVER!! We have an understanding. Never forget it again!" I demanded.
I shook with anger. She had broken our agreement. She had made me see inside myself and I hated her for it. I leaned forward against the back of a chair and I stared into space, trying to escape myself.

I felt her as she came to stand next to me. She tried touching me but I pushed her hand out of the way. My action made her take a step away from me. It had been worse than if I had slapped her. The phone started ringing. I walked over and answered it.

"Elena, yes I'm at Francesca's apartment, can you pick me up here?" I had my back to her now. Elena agreed to pick me up and said that she would be arriving within the next hour. "Okay Elena, I'll see you in an hour." I hung up the phone.

I looked towards Francesca but she looked away from me. She had her arms around herself. A sob escaped her mouth and she raised her eyes to meet mine. Tears were running down her face. She opened her mouth to say something but did not. I walked over to her and my eyes softened.

"Why don't you come to dinner with us?" I asked her with a half smile as if all that had occurred had been a lover's quarrel. Her eyes searched mine and I touched her face lovingly.

"No," she said softly looking down. She was afraid and so was I. I had to tread softly. It could all fall apart.

"Okay, I'll cancel dinner with Elena and I'll stay with you." She looked up immediately with tear filled eyes. "We'll stay here, together" I said as I caressed her face. Her eyes asked for so much.

She rushed into my arms and clung to me. "I don't want to loose you."

I put my arms around her. "I couldn't live without you. Don't you know that by now?" As I finished saying this I found her lips. All I wanted to do was feel. I didn't want to think anymore. I canceled my dinner plans with Elena.

Something had woken me up in the middle of the night. I had been startled by noises. I got up and went to my window. There were two people fighting. I could hear them from my window. I opened the door that led from my room to the garden. The grass felt wet under my feet. All I could see were my two little feet walking through a garden. I saw them quite suddenly. My father was kissing Francesca.

My eyes opened quite suddenly. I felt disoriented. I looked next to me and saw her sleeping. She was so beautiful. She looked so innocent. If only she were. Oh God, how I wish she were!

I got up and reached for my robe at the foot of the bed. I sat down on a chair facing Francesca's sleeping body. I loved her. Quite suddenly this became crystal clear to me.

What a joke life had played on me. The doctors had said that one day my memories might come back. I had wanted to remember so badly. At first it was just a feeling but lately the feelings were becoming real. Now my memories were destroying what I had left of my life. I had loved her even then. Not as now, but it had been love nevertheless. I loved her out of need even then.

No more! I shut my eyes. I don't want to remember any more. I wanted to forget what I already knew. I was happy. Was it so wrong to want to be happy?

I remembered bits and pieces. I suspected the rest. The memories would come a piece at a time and I never knew when. Usually they were triggered by something she said or something we did. I was caught in a trap of my own making.
I had started to daydream a lot. I would seem to drift away and usually she would touch my arm lightly and I would come back to the present. My eyes would search hers and she would look incredibly sad.

"I wish we could just make the rest of the world disappear for us," she said one day. I remember smiling.
Something awakened her. She reached for me and found only emptiness. She sat up in bed and her eyes suddenly found me seating in a chair against the wall facing her.

"Tina?" She called out.

"Yes," I answered softly. The silence grew between us. "I love you, Francesca" I said to her in the dark. She was motionless. I walked slowly to her. She was still, afraid that if she moved the moment would disapear. I let my robe fall to the floor and allowed my naked body make contact with hers. The moment my skin met hers a fire took over all my reason. And as it had happened many times before I surrendered to my hunger to possesss her. She moved beneath me and my body responded. My mouth sought hers and it fused to her with a hunger to devour. I wanted her. I needed her. I had wanted her my whole life. And nothing would take her from me, not even the past. This was the first night I truly made love to her.

Two weeks later I received word that my grandmother had a heart attack and I was to come home at once. That day Francesca found me sitting in the dark when she got home. My life was catching up with me. I could feel it. The dark clouds were rolling in and there was nothing I could do to stop them. Nothing could hold back the storm now. I left for Spain that same night.

Francesca and I agreed that I should go alone and then I would arrange things for her to follow later. She had agreed to my leaving without her. I needed the comfort of her and yet she was the last person I wanted to be with me at this time. This made no sense just as my life made no sense.

I arrived in Spain nine hours later. Within two hour of my arrival I was running into my grandmother's house. I ran straight up to her room. She died 30 minutes later. It was finished. I remember walking out of her room without saying a word. I went inside the library and locked the door.

It all seemed so unreal. I was wrapped in a haze I could not breathe in. And yet I knew that if I were to venture out it, it would kill me. My grandmother was dead. And with her went the last living person who knew the real truth.

After a few hours I walked up the stairs to where her body rested. I passed by weeping servants. I reached the door to her bedroom and turned the doorknob. Walking in I slowly went to the foot of her bed. Her body lay there motionless. I stayed in the room alone with her until they came to take her body away. I spoke to no one.

A week later, dressed in mourning clothes, I sat in front of her lawyer, Licenciado Marcelo Bustamante. He had arranged this meeting so that her Last Will and Testament might be read.

I sat in silence as he read on and on about how she had wanted her property distributed. She had left some things to close friends and people that had served her throughout the years, but the balk of her estate was left solely to me.

I was now a very wealthy woman. After signing all the required papers the attorney handed me an envelope.
"Your grandmother asked that you should be given this envelope upon her death." I took the envelope from him. "I presume you want the present arrangements to remain in place at the hospitals?"

I looked at him and nodded my agreement. What I remember the most about that meeting was my sense of detachment. I felt nothing. There was no emotion inside me. She had never said anything to me and I remember that at that moment I hated her for not having given me a choice. I had never ever been given a choice. Not ever, not by anyone.

"Gracias," I said, then got up and walked out of his office.

I don't know how long I walked. I just walked. I needed to keep moving. If I stopped the pain would catch up with me. If I stopped I might have to see what I was running away from.

I was torn between anger and guilt. I should have been with her. Every time I spoke with her she was asking me to come home. She must have known that she was dying. She needed me and I had not come. She had loved me, nursed me, scolded me, consoled me, taught me right from wrong and never for one moment complained. She had also deceived me. I was all she had in this world and knowing she was ill, I had left her. She should have told me. God, she should have told me.

I arrived home to be met with a message from Francesca. She was in Spain and wanted to see me. She was staying at the Ritz-Carlton in Madrid. I went into the library without saying a word after Jaime, the major-domo, had given me the message.
I sat behind the desk and dialed the number that Jaime had handed me. I hung up the phone before the second ring. I couldn't do this. I was afraid. I wanted to run to her for comfort but I was afraid.

I had not contacted her since my arrival one week ago. I couldn't do this anymore. My past had haunted me my whole life and now it was going to kill me. I might still survive this if I never saw her again. Why? Why had life conspired against me?

I went upstairs to my room, removed my clothes and went to bed. I wanted to close my eyes and never wake up ever again. When I laid my head down on my pillow the tears just came. For a week I had not been able to cry and now I was drowning in the tears of my pain. I cried for my grandmother, the woman who had raised and protected me. I cried for the family I had lost as a child. I cried for all the things I now knew and wanted to forget. And finally, I cried for myself. Because somewhere along the way the child that I was just stopped existing and the woman I was now came into being.
The next day I got up very late. I told Jaime that if Francesca called not to pass the call to me. And if she should insist he was to say I would not see her. I was running. I was running as quickly as I could. In a few days I would leave Spain and never come back. If I was lucky she would never find me and I might find some peace. If not, I might loose my sanity. In a few days; just a few more days.

I finished speaking with the lawyers and explained that I wanted to liquidate all my assets. I told them that I would be leaving Spain within the week. They had been surprised but I would not be talked out of it. I finished my breakfast in the terrace and afterward I just wondered around the house remembering my childhood there.

I went to the library for a book that afternoon when I saw the purse I had left on top of the desk along with the envelope. I remembered the envelope and decided that it was time I read it. It wasn't going to get easier, so I might just as well read it.
I opened the envelope and along with a letter was a diary. The letter began with:

My Dearest Granddaughter,

As my eyes scanned the words my mind could not believe what they were saying. I still could not believe she had known. She had known all along what had happened. It was all there. And when I read it all, the pages just fell from my hands to the floor. She should have told me.

The past came back with the force and the unpredictability of a tidal wave. My eyes closed as a scream rose from within me and escaped my lips. "NO!!!!"

Excerpts from my mother's diary brought back the past with the reality and insight I had not been able to grasp as a child. It was the past my grandmother had tried to protect me from. It was a story within my own. And the puzzles started to form a tapestry with such complexity I did not want to see and could not escape.

"Stefan you're driving too fast!" Carlotta said as the Porsche took yet another sharp turn. "Stefan, remember the girls are in the car, slow down!" She was yelling now. Maria put her little hand in mind and squeezed hard.

"All right," Stefan answered, finally slowing down.

"You know Maria has a very sensitive stomach. If she gets sick we won't be going out tonight." Carlotta reminded Stefan. He breathed hard in frustration.

"You're always overreacting with her. Cristina had the measles and you left her to go on a shopping spree to Paris," he retaliated.

"Cristina is stronger than Maria. Cristina can take care of herself."

"Cristina is just a child Carlotta. She's only eight years old."

"I don't want to fight tonight, Stefan," she announced and stared out the window.

That was the signal that my mother gave when the conversation was over. I had heard many fights like this. They were common to me. I always wondered why she didn't love me. I still wonder to this day. I needed her so much and she never seemed to notice. Not that my father was that loving either. When he referred to that trip to Paris he omitted to add that he had accompanied my mother.

The person that my sister and I truly felt loved by was mother's mother. Grandmama spoiled us and truly made us feel wanted and welcomed when we would go and visit. We did not visit very often. My parents always had some other place that they wanted to be. I always wondered why they bothered to drag us along. In retrospect, I believe it was out of guilt. They must have loved us in their own way. I honestly believe that is was guilt and the knowledge of what would people say if they were never around.

Before we got back to the villa, papa did speed up again and poor little Maria did get sick. He was furious that she had gotten sick in his car. When we pulled up the drive he hopped out of the car with disgust.
"Get her out of the car right now! It stinks in there!" He yelled at mother.

At that moment, the front door opened and a young woman started walking toward the car. Mother went around to get Maria out of the car. Papa noticed the young woman right away and smiled. Mother was looking at papa and her eyes followed his eyes. A smile appeared on her face as well.

"Stefan, this is Francesca, Victoria and Marcel's daughter." Mother told papa. He walked up to the girl and kissed her on the cheek.

"Very lovely, very lovely indeed. Dios Mio, I remember you when you were a child and now you are a beautiful young woman," he said in the charming way he had. The girl blushed.

"She and Victoria will be here in France for the next few weeks. Perhaps we can take Francesca to Italy with us when we go next week." Mother suggested. My father smiled and nodded his head.

Mama took Maria inside and papa lingered outside. When I closed the car door he remembered my presence. He looked in my direction and I could see he resented my being there. Papa never lost an opportunity to flirt with the ladies. Oh, the ladies. I was in the way. This was to be his next conquest. I lowered my eyes and started walking towards the house.

"Are you Cristina?" The girl asked. I looked up and that was the first time I saw Francesca's smile. She knelt down in front of me and her hand went out to me. I put my hand in hers and nodded.

"Your grandmother has told me so much about you," she said sweetly. I smiled into her beaming face.

I heard papa clear his throat and looked up to see his frowning face. I pulled my hand away from her and walked toward the house. I had lunch alone since Maria had already been put to bed. She and I usually had our meals together. Mother and father dined alone or usually with friends, but never with us.

After lunch I went into the garden to my favorite secret spot. It was in the loneliest part of the garden. I would sit under a beautiful big tree for hours and dream of a far away world. I would always look up, wonder what it would be like to climb all the way to the top, and see the whole world from up there. I was not allowed to do such things like climbing trees. Mama always said "young girls should be clean and tidy not dirty like those undesirable village children."

So, I would sit under my tree and look up and wonder. That's how Francesca found me.

"Hello Cristina," she said softly. I looked at her and was met again with a smile. "What are you doing here all alone?" she asked gently.

"This is my secret place," I said giving her my only secret. She looked all around her and then back toward me.

"Yes, it's a beautiful place." She sat down next to me. "This is a big tree. Have you ever tried climbing it?" As she asked, I immediately looked at her as if she knew what I had been thinking.

"I'm not allowed," I answered simply.

She looked suddenly sad. "Why?"

"Mama says I'm suppose to be a lady. Only peasants climb trees." She looked at me tenderly and her hand caressed my cheek.

"I know where there is a birds nest with little eggs. Would you like to see it?" I asked her enthusiastically. She smiled and nodded her head.

We spent the afternoon exploring the garden and the woods around the villa. She was kinder to me in those few hours than my mother and father had been to me my whole life. We ran through the woods and played hide and seek. I loved being with her.
Late in the afternoon we started back to the house hand in hand. As we were coming toward the house my mother suddenly appeared and walked out to meet us.

She immediately noticed that I had gotten dirty. I recognized the look of disapproval in her eyes and my hand unconsciously squeezed Francesca's. She looked down at me and then back to my mother.

"I'm sorry Carlotta if we stayed out too long, but I had such a lovely time exploring with Cristina. She is a lovely child, much like her mother." As she finished speaking mother's face changed.

Mother smiled at Francesca. "I've been waiting to speak with you all afternoon," my mother said charmingly.

"Go and have your bath before dinner, Cristina dear," mother said to me lovingly.

Francesca knelt down in front of me and took both my hands into hers. "Thank you for the loveliest afternoon I've ever had." She gave me a brilliant smile. She then leaned towards me and kissed my cheek. As she stood up again she released my hands, still smiling.

"Go on Cristina," repeated mother.

I walked toward the house. When I reached the door to go inside I looked back and saw mother holding Francisco's hand and kissing her on the cheek. Then they walked toward the gardens. I could hear my mother laughing as I went in the house.

Carlotta led Francesca away from the house. "I have been waiting for you all afternoon," she said softly as she pulled Francesca into an embrace.

"I'm sorry, I really enjoyed being with your daughter. She's very sweet," Francesca answered.

"If you like Cristina, just wait till you see Maria."

"Why do you always do that?" Francesca asked as she pulled away from her and started to pick a flower.

"What?" Carlotta asked, not understanding what she meant.

"Since I've known you, every time we discuss your daughter Cristina you tell me how much better Maria is." She still did not look directly at Carlotta.

Carlotta just stared at Francesca not saying anything else. After a few moments Francesca looked into the eyes of a woman who was wondering.

"Why Carlotta?" She asked looking straight into her eyes.

"You're imagining things," Carlotta looked away, suddenly nervous. Francesca started walking away from her toward the house.

"Where are you going?"

"You don't trust me!" Francesca turned to look at her.

"I don't know why I do it. She needs so much. She always has. Maria?well she just loves you back," she stated simply.

"Anyway, what does it matter? She doesn't care. All she ever does is go off and stare out into nothing. She is just like my father used to be."

"How can you be such a bitch with your own daughter?"

"Did you come here for her or for me?" Carlotta asked in anger.

"Shut up Carlotta. Just shut up," Francesca said as she put her arms around her neck. She rubbed her body seductively against the older woman.

"God you drive me crazy," Carlotta said as her lips descended upon Francesca's waiting mouth. The two women came back to the house from the gardens two hours later.

The diary had begun to take a life of its own. The pages seemed to come alive and the parts that were missing I simply filled in with my memory. I shut the book with such anger that it hurt my hands. They had been lovers.
"No! No! Why her? Of all the people in the world, why my mother?" I closed my eyes shutting them tightly. But, still the tears came and rolled down my cheeks.

Is that why I was like I was? Did I want Francesca because my mother had been that way? I had never even looked at women before I had gone to New York. Did I want Francesca so badly because of what I was obviously exposed to or because I just liked women? I was so confused that I didn't know what to think or do anymore. I wasn't sure whether my actions were my own or brought out for retribution for what they had done to me. They had all lied to me. I hated them. I hated them all.
They had destroyed my childhood, and if that wasn't horrible enough they had made me love them all the while. For I did love them. I had loved them all so much and they had hurt me. They had hurt me but not only that, they taken my sister from me. They had killed my sister. They had killed my sister? It was their fault.

I sat behind the desk for a long time wrapped in a veil of confusion. A feeling of detachment started to take over once again. Oblivion, just existing without any feeling, was comforting. I could not bear another emotion. I could not bear anymore.

Quite suddenly I realized that the room was dark and my attention was directed toward the ringing that had disturbed my state of oblivion. The telephone, it was the telephone ringing that had brought me back.

I felt strangely alienated from my feelings and a numbness overtook me. I saw my hand reaching for the telephone as if I was looking at the hand of another person. I put the receiver next to my ear and said hello in Spanish. "Oigo?" My voice sounded odd even to my ears. All I could think about was the fact that I felt nothing.

"Cristina?" The voice on the other end of the receiver asked.

"Si."

"Cristina, thank God. I have been so worried. I need to see you. I'm coming over to you now. Can you hear me? Cristina did you hear me? It's Francesca!"

"I know who you are," I said quite simply and without anger.

"What's wrong? I need to see you," her voice pleaded over the phone.

"My grandmother is dead. I'm tired now. I can't talk anymore."

As I was hanging up the telephone I could hear her yelling "Cristina!"

I opened the diary once more and began to read again.

"Annais, come into the water. It's deliciously warm," beckoned Carlotta.

"Later, not now," she answered as she walked over to where the two little girls were playing by the pool. As she approached, Cristina looked up and gave her a smile.

"Hi! What are you two doing?" She asked.

"We're coloring and then cutting out the figures. We want to do a collage for you," Maria answered with a smile.

Maria was a beautiful child. She reminded one of those beautiful children that painters of old would use as angels on their canvases. She was beautiful not only on the outside but she also possessed a beauty that only comes from within and it could be seen in every one of her smiles.

Annais looked down and saw a lot of different little figures of different things all colored brightly all over the table.
"Why it's a lovely idea," she said to them.

"It was Cristina's idea to make it for you."

"Thank you, " she said looking down at the little girl who was smiling at her.

"You won't forget?" Cristina asked excitedly.

"No little one, I won't forget." She lightly caressed the child's cheek as she walked back toward the pool.

"Annais, come on, jump in, the water is wonderful" Carlotta called to her again.

"I'm coming," she said, jumping into the water.

The children were called into lunch by their Nana. They were led into the kitchen where their lunch was waiting for them.
"Nana, my pictures! My pictures may be blown away! I left them on the table by the pool!" Cristina said excitedly and ran out the door and back into the garden toward the pool.

When she got there she did not see her mother or Annais. Most of her pictures were still on the table but some were scattered on the grass. She hurried to pick up all the ones that she saw. Some had been blown all the way toward the other side of the garden.

She went to pick them up and as she was picking up the small pieces of paper she heard voices nearby. As she raised her eyes she saw them. She became as still as a statue. Nothing could have prepared her to see her mother kissing Annais wantonly on the mouth and groping at her breast as she lay down on top of her in the grass.

She got up quickly, dropping all of her pictures on the ground and ran back to the kitchen.

"Cristina, your pictures?did you find your pictures?" asked Nana.

"No," she answered in a very quite voice as she picked up her soupspoon and started to eat her lunch.
I closed the book slowly, carefully put it in the drawer in front of me and closed it. I raised my eyes and as I did so the library door burst open. Francesca stood before me.

Jaime came in seconds behind her. "I'm sorry, miss. She just pushed by me I couldn't stop her." As he spoke, I had gotten up and started walking towards her.

I stood silently in front of her for a brief moment. Then my hand went up to caress Francesca's cheek.. The smell of her filled my senses, and as before, I could not walk away from her. I accepted that I never would be able to just walk away. My other hand went behind her neck and slowly I pulled her to me until my mouth met her lips. A stunned Jaime left the room in silence.
"I..." Francesca tried to say before my finger covered her mouth to silence her again.

As I pulled away she stood very still. My eyes searched her face and then my hands took a life of their own as they traveled over her body. I needed to touch her, to feel her skin, smell her hair. I needed to taste her and hold her. I needed something that only she could give.

Francesca stood still not understanding what was happening. She could see that my eyes had a far away and detached look about them.

"What's wrong baby?" she asked softly.

"I've missed you." I answered simply. "Come!" I quite suddenly grabbed Francesca by the hand and pulled her to follow me. We went out to the garden, and were encompassed by the darkness outside.

"Cristina, it's too dark out now. We can't see anything out here. Let's go back inside." She pulled her hand away from my hold.
I turned to face her and Francesca could see my face from the light of the house behind her. "I want to show you a secret place." Suddenly the excitement left me and it was replaced by an overwhelming feeling of confusion. Francesca stood very still.
"I...it wasn't here...it wasn't here." I said softly, looking out into the darkness and then back at Francesca.

My hand went up to touch my temple and my eyes closed briefly. I felt so tired; like the weight of the world was on my shoulders. Francesca walked over to me, slowly put her hand around my back and walked me back into the house.
"You're tired. Where is your room?" I pointed toward the staircase and Francesca led me to it.

We went up the stairs in silence. When the door to my bedroom was closed behind us I turned and faced her.

"Run away," I said to her menacingly.

"I can't."

I had lost control. I felt nothing one moment and was filled with rage the next. I wasn't even sure where I was all the time anymore. Something was happening but I wasn't sure just what.

"I'm afraid," I whispered. "I don't understand what's happening to me. I'm scared, and I don't know what to do. Help me!" I cried covering my face as I fell on my knees to the floor. "Help me?Oh God, please help me" I cried out.

I was filled with such loneliness I was going to be in trouble. I knew I was.

"Mommy is going to be mad." I had seen them and I knew that mommy was looking for me. "I won't tell. I promise I won't tell," I kept crying.

"Sweetheart, what are you talking about?" Francesca's arms embraced me.

"I won't tell. I promise I won't tell what you and mommy were doing." As I finished saying this I felt her body tense up.
I kept crying. Mommy would find me and she would be mad. I hated her. She always took what I loved away. She would take Francesca away. I reached out for her. I held her hard and cried inconsolably.

"Don't be mad Annais. I didn't mean to do anything bad. I was only looking for my pictures. I didn't mean to see you and mommy. " I choked out between tears. I looked up to her face.

She was looking down at me at first in surprise and then suddenly her eyes were filled with such sadness that tears welled up inside them and soon were rolling down her face.

"It will be alright baby. I never knew you saw us. I'm so sorry. I'm so very sorry. I'll make it alright, I promise," she said tenderly.

My eyes were filled with love for her. She was going to make it alright; mommy was not going to be mad. I put my face back on her chest.

We both sat on the floor. I held on to her as if hanging onto life, because, that is what she was and that is what she is still. I fell asleep as she stroked my hair.

It felt cold. As I opened my eyes I realized that I was on the floor in someone's arms. I looked up and saw that it was Francesca. She was asleep, holding me tightly against her with her back leaning against a chair. As I pulled away from her she awoke.

The room was filled with moonlight. I looked away and got up. My body felt stiff from having been on the floor. I was stretching and rubbing my shoulders with my back to her when I felt her hands begin to rub my back.

She massaged my shoulders and neck. She had always had the power to make my body come alive. I turned around to face her. I looked at her face carefully, as if by looking at her I would see something that I needed to see.

I pulled her to me and my mouth sought to fill its hunger. My hands were harsh. I again was filled with the desire to love her and hurt her at the same time. She tried pulling away from me but I tore open her blouse in frustration. We stood staring at each other in surprise.

I took a step away. I didn't know what I was doing anymore. I no longer had the power to see the difference from what I wanted and what I should not want. She came over to me and walked me over to my bed.

"I'm tired Francesca," I whispered to her in confusion. I wasn't sure of anything anymore. It was like my mind was filled with a fog I could not find my way out of; and I was tired.

"I know...I know," she said as she undressed me slowly and put me to bed. After tucking me into bed she started walking toward the door.

"No! Don't leave me!" I cried out for her. She walked back and got into bed with me. "I'm afraid of the dark. You won't tell will you?"

She just stared at me for a long while and then held me very tightly to her.

"No. No little one, I won't tell, it will be our secret." I smiled, went into her embrace and once again fell asleep in her arms.

After lunch I was put to bed for the traditional Spanish nap time. During this time I usually did everything except sleep. I waited for Maria to fall asleep, snuck out of our nursery and went out to the garden.

I went to my secret place. I stood in front of that huge tree and somehow I thought it mocked me. It stood there, daring me to climb it. I had always wanted to but mother would have punished me if I were ever to get caught. I stared at it only a few more seconds before I started climbing that giant tree as fast as I could.

When I reached the top I saw another world. It all seemed so small from up there, not like when I was on the ground where everything was bigger than me, making me feel so small. Up there it was all manageable.

I could see our house and the pool. I looked all around and for the first time in my life I felt such a sense of freedom as I never had or would ever feel again. I closed my eyes and took a long breath and just smiled to myself and my new found independence.

I just needed me. I opened my eyes and I could see my Nana looking around the garden calling out my name. Mother followed out behind her. She was angry. Mother's anger always meant pain in one way or another.

My new found security became shaky and I started to quickly go down the tree. If she knew I had gone out that was one thing, I was already in trouble. But If she found out about the tree climbing ...well, I wasn't sure what would happen but with mother it was better not to find out.

I was going down as quickly as I could and as I looked down I saw her down below. Francesca was looking up and smiling. I looked away and as I did my foot missed the branch and I felt myself falling through the air. All of a sudden the whole world went dark.

Through the mist that I found myself in I could hear her calling "Tina! Tina!"

My eyes opened slowly and gradually they became accustomed to the darkness that surrounded me. I started to sit up and I felt the tug of an arm around my waist. I looked over and I could see Francesca's face on the pillow. She was asleep.

No matter how many times I started down one road somehow I always seemed to land up in the same place. Memories long forgotten were flooding my mind at such a break neck speed that sometimes I felt I was being drowned by them.

All the pieces were coming together and the picture they were creating was not something I wanted to see. Why? Why was this horrible nightmare slowly following me back to reality? That old dream suddenly came to mind.

I was running down a long corridor. I was so afraid. It was dark and my feet were wet.. I remember voices calling my name and the fear. For that year that I did not speak after the accident I was consumed with that dream. Until one day it stopped and I started trying to remember or trying to forget. I'm not quite sure which anymore.

All I know is that Fracensca was there, lying next to me. My past and my future lay in her. I was afraid of what I was going to remember. I couldn't seem to get the image of my mother and Francesca together out of my mind. I closed my eyes and let out a sigh. As I leaned back I felt her arm tighten around me and as my head found my pillow, Francesca found my shoulder to lay her face on.

I stroked her hair and I buried my face into it and slowly breathed in the smell of it. I couldn't imagine my life without her in it and yet she had to be punished. Punished? Why did that idea come into my head? I didn't want to remember anymore! My arms went around her sleeping body and I pulled her closer to me.

Her face hovered over me. I felt like a swimmer trying to swim up from the deep, and awaiting me is her face. Somehow through the haze there was always Francesca's face.

"Tina! Tina!" She kept saying over and over again. My eyelids fluttered, trying to focus.

"My head hurts," I finally whispered.

"Oh thank God you're alive! Don't worry little one, I'll make it better. Stay still please." Her voice sounded far away but hearing it made me feel better.

I was taken to a private clinic nearby by ambulance. I could only make out muffled voices though the sound of the siren when the darkness overtook me once more.

I awoke in a strange room. It was all white and sterile looking. Later I found out I had been in a coma for three days. I started to look around and saw mother and Francesca talking in the corner. They were whispering but I could tell that they were arguing about something.

Annais turned to walk away when my mother grabbed her by the arm and pulled her back to her, kissing her on the mouth. She fought her only for a brief moment and then her arms went up around my mother's neck. All I could do was stare in a dead silence. I turned my face away before they could see me. I could hear them whispering again before I fell asleep.

I stayed in the clinic for two weeks. I had suffered a concussion and had been in a coma for a few days. Other than that just some scratches and bruises, no broken bones.

The doctor told my mother to keep an eye on me and report any headaches or blackouts. I had been very quiet during my hospitalization, more than usual, staring into nothing for long periods of time. This seemed to upset my mother more than I would upset her usually. The doctor still wanted to keep me under observation but mother argued that I would be more confortable at home.

I would noticed Francesca looking at me with concern in her eyes and I would look away. She had tried talking to me many times but I remained silent. Many nights she stayed in the hospital with me while my mother went home. Hers was the face I would see during the night, the one that gave me the glass of water, the one that helped the nurse change the sheets once when I had an accident during the first few nights.

She had comforted me and loved me. The first night I woke up in the middle of the night and called out, her voice was the one I heard in the dark.

"Mama!" I called out in fear. "Mama!"

"Shhhhh, little one. It's Annais. Mama is not here right now. Don't be afraid, everything will be alright." She spoke to me softly as her hand stroked my hair. I felt her lips kiss my forehead. "You're going to be fine, but you have to try to keep still. Would you like some water?"

"Yes, please."

"Such a polite young lady you are. Your mother would be proud," she said half jokingly. My eyes began to get accustomed to the darkness and I could see her walking away toward a table and then walking back with a glass of water in her hand. She held my head up gently and I drank a little.

"Would you like to talk for a little while?" she asked.

"No," I said, turning my face away into the pillow.

I knew she just stood motionless for a few seconds and then I heard her walk toward the other side of the room. I turned my face and I could see her sitting in a chair looking back at me.

"If you need me, I'll be here."

"I don't need you. I don't need anybody," I said to her harshly, tears welling up in my eyes.

A sob escaped me and she walked over to me. She lay down next to me and held me in a warm embrace. At first I tried pulling away from her, but gradually I didn't resist. On the contrary, my arms went around her neck and my face laid on her shoulder half buried in her neck. I felt safe with her. I felt safe and warm.

The light of day is what woke me. It rudely came through a crack in the heavy laden curtains and hit my face with its cruelty.
It awakened me to the fact that I was in my grandmother's house with Francesca in my bed. She was mine. After all these years she was still mine. No one would take her from me. If only I could keep the memories from taking over. I wasn't sure when they came just what I should do.

There were voices in my head. I had to shut out the voices in my head. I looked at Francesca as she slept. So beautiful. I had always though her so beautiful. They thought she was beautiful too.

"Well young lady ,I think it's time you were going home," I heard someone say. I looked up to see my father standing in the doorway of my hospital room.

He walked over to mother and they started talking about the arrangements of my coming home. I was to go to the villa and in a few days they would go to Italy as planned. Maria and I were to follow in a week or two. I just looked at them and said nothing.

As usual their plans would not be changed with the inconvenience of a child. Something must have shown in my face because when I looked in Annais's direction I saw pity in her eyes. I stared back at her in anger.

How dare she feel pity for me. I didn't want pity. Mother and father walked out to speak with the doctor.

"You will be joining us soon in Italy," she said in a loving voice trying to console me. She reached out her hand to console me but I pushed it away.

"Don't touch me!" I said to her. She stepped away from me in surprise. "I don't want to go to Italy! I don't want to see you anymore! Go away!" I yelled now. Her eyes welled up with tears and she walked out of the room. I had hurt her and it felt good.

Of course two weeks later Maria and I joined them in Italy. As soon as we arrived I could sense that something was wrong.

You could feel it in the air. My parents appeared openly hostile to one another. And by this I mean more than the usual.
The first night after our arrival as a special treat we were allowed to have dinner with them. Right from the beginning, it became a battlefield. Sides had to be taken.

"Tomorrow I thought we could take the girls to see the countryside. Wouldn't you like that, Annais?" My father asked.

"Annais does not like the country," mother stated flatly without even looking up from her dinner plate.
Father's face became furious but he didn't utter a word.

"I would like to go with the girls. Perhaps we could try?" Annais said looking in mother's direction. Mother looked up and nodded her head but not too happily. It had been a concession and nothing more.

"Well now, that it's settled, how was your trip here girls?" Papa said in his most charming voice.

"The train ride was wonderful papa," replied an excited Maria. She proceeded to describe the ride and how we had bought cotton candy from a concession stand on our arrival into Italy and how Marcel our poodle had tried to eat some and how he had gotten all sticky.

Maria was a charming child. Mother had been right about that. Everywhere she went she brought the sunshine with her. How could you not love her? And of course everyone did, especially me.

"And you, Cristina? Did you enjoy the trip?" asked papa.

"No, it's too hot here" I said to him. He looked angry and turned to Annais.

"Well, you are going to love the country side. It is so beautiful to see the wildflowers. They are all in bloom now you know."

Her eyes opened and she was looking at me expectantly. Waiting to see something but she wasn't sure quite what. I was propped on my elbow looking at her as my hand stroked through her hair.

"I was remembering how beautiful your hair looks with wildflowers. Blue ones and yellow ones. Itlay has beautiful wild flowers. We should go there. I remember..." My voice just kind of faded away.

I was lost somewhere. Neither here nor there. Francesca touched my cheek and brought me back to this reality. I looked at her in surprise. How had she gotten into my bed?

I felt confused and disoriented and it must have shown. I started looking around trying to understand where I was.

"Where are we?" I asked her. She looked at me for a moment and very softly caressed my face.

"We are up too early. Come let's go back to sleep" she said as she gently pulled me into her embrace and stroked my hair. I pulled away from her. I sat up on the bed trying to get a grip on my thoughts. They were going so fast all around me that I couldn't focus.

"Tina," she said holding my arm. I again pulled away from her.

"Don't touch me!" I said sharply. I looked down at her with the eyes of a stranger.

The sheet had slipped down to her waist. My eyes traveled to her breasts and my hands proceeded to fondle them. A moan escaped her lips and my mouth and my body covered her. At first she fought me but it was to no avail. She always surrendered in the end. I needed the taste of her skin. My hands touched her, aroused her and finally I would go inside her and fill my hunger for her. I wanted the pleasure her body gave me. Why shouldn't I? She was mine! What hadn't I done to have her.

Two hours later we were still in bed. I held her tightly to me, my face in her hair as she spoke. "Let's go home," she said.

"Home? Where is home?" I asked her. She turned towards me and looked into my eyes.

"Let's go back to St.Maarten, to my house," she pleaded with a smile on her lips. A smile that diaspeared when she heard me speak.

"Why should I go anywhere with you?" I asked her cruelly.

"Because you love me...and I love you."

"When did I tell you I loved you?"

"That night...in the dark... in New York." Tears started streaming down her cheeks. My finger started wiping them away. My eyes were avoiding hers.

"Tina, please!" She pleaded but upon hearing her pet name for me the anger within me took over. I grabbed her hair and pulled it tight.

"AHHH!!!" She cried out. I was hovering over her ready to strike, much like a predator does with its victim.

"I don't love you!" I said to her between my teeth. My body was on top of hers, my hands pinning hers down.

"Don't do this, please!" She sobbed.

"I can do whatever I want!" I said menacingly. "Why would I love you?" I taunted her.

"Tina please...don't do this?don't do this." She repeated as her tears became sobs. Her body shook with her pain. I could hear her pain as she cried. My anger disappeared as quickly as it had come. Her tears?her tears had always had the capacity to move me. My lips kissed her face gently and then her eyes and finally her mouth.

"Don't cry," I begged her. "Please don't?.don't cry," I whispered into her ear as my lips consoled her, covering her with soft kisses.

Her arms went around my neck and held me close. I rolled off her and half her body was on mine. I stroked her hair. "We'll go to St. Maarten for awhile. It was very beautiful there. Would you like that?"

"Yes," she said as she looked down at me.

I was pulled back into a soft embrace. She stood behind me holding me close to her. I could feel the warmth of her breath on my ear as she spoke softly to me.

"I love you," she whispered into my hair. "Mmmm? you feel good." I leaned back against her.

"I like it here. It's like a different world, away from everything and everyone."

"It is. It's our world, yours and mine," she said softly as we both looked out into the ocean.

Yes, it was our world. And yes, it was beautiful. If it could only have remained that way. That moment was the only moment in my life that I was one with all. At that moment I had no past and no future. I just accepted and existed.

"Francesca come on!" I shouted from the courtyard. "We are going to be late! Please hurry!"

"Okay, okay, I'm coming." She answered as she came down the staircase with a big smile on her face.

"What?What?"

"Did I tell you how beautiful you are today?' She said softly as she stopped in front of me.

I smiled as she put her arms around my neck and pulled me to her.

"It is very hard to stay angry with you," I said as I buried my face in her hair.

Francesca was my days and my nights. It was a fact in my life. She was all that happiness meant to me. I would die without her. It was that simple.

We had scheduled court time that morning at the club. We had both taken to going regularly and playing tennis there at least three times a week. Slowly we were creating our own world. No old memories, just concentrating on making new ones. I should have known it would never last. And God, how I needed it to. I had never felt this whole. I never would again.

We walked hand in hand on the beach at night and woke up in each others arms on our bed in the morning. She loved and pampered me. She made all the pain of all those years without her bearable. I had needed her like a downing man needs breath. I hungered for her and she fed my hunger.

It was a day in the sunshine like so many before it. We had just finished our tennis game and I had gone ahead to order our drinks at the bar. I was happy. God, I was happy.
My paradise came to a screeching hault.

"Cristina!!" A voice called out to me.

I turned around and before me was Elena. At that moment my past collided with my present.
I froze. I felt so cold. Instantly I felt a deadly chill fill my body.

"Cristina, it's wonderful to see you." Elena hugged and kissed me on the cheek.

"Hello Elena," I managed to whisper

"I was sorry to hear about your grandmother," she said sadly. "She was a tough one but she did love you."

"Thank you." I said to her.

"Since when have you been here?" she asked. "All of your old friends never knew where you were."

"I have been traveling?" I trailed off. I felt the nausea coming. I felt dizzy and cold.

"Are you alright?" asked Elena, concerned.

"Yes," I said as I reached for the nearest chair for support.

"Here let me help you. Do you want me to get a doctor?" She helped me to sit down.

"No...I'm fine." I started to relax.

She sat next to me. "Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yes, really," I answered as my hand touched my hot cheek. I felt an immediate rush of fear. I had to run. "I have to go Elena" I got up and started walking.

I remember her calling my name and I started to run. I ran and ran until I could not run anymore. It was late. Quite suddenly I realized it had gotten dark. I was sitting on a bench facing the dark water of the ocean. How long I sat there, I don't know. I could not even remember how I had gotten to this place. I was tired.
I closed my eyes and I saw her. "Maria!"

"Come on Cristina?catch me!" She ran as I tried to catch her.

We were running in the garden. It was warm and the air smelled sweet with mommy's roses.

"You can't catch me! You can't catch me!" We ran in sweet abandonment.

The air was filled with laughter. I kept letting her escape me.

"Maria?Maria, come here" Mommy yelled.

Suddenly we both stopped running and the laughter stopped.

"Come here Maria. We are going into town with your father," Mommy said.

"No!" I yelled.

My eyes shot open. I sat there listening to the sounds of the ocean that were no longer soothing. My past. My past was coming for me. Now that it had found me I would not be able to hide from it anymore.

I got up and started to walk.