The Seduction of Laura
By S. Anne Gardner
Disclaimers: This story contains sexual scenes between two women. If
this is not what you're looking for, if you are underage, or if this is illegal
where you are currently living, then please go away unscathed. This story explores
the darker nature of the human character.
PLEASE BE AWARE: THERE ARE SEXUALLY VIOLENT SCENES IN THIS STORY.
Feedback: Feedback is welcome. Please send it to: firstname.lastname@example.org.
Rating: This story would be rated "R" any day.
There are phrases that stick in you mind and come to you with the clarity that you see while looking into a murky pool. No quote was more true as the one "It was the best of times it was the worst of times." That's how I can best describe my loving Charlie.
I've tried to recall over and over again when the turning of the road came and when I took the wrong side. I don't know, or perhaps I'm just tired of thinking and all I want to do is sleep. I need to sleep. I know that. But when I sleep my demons follow me there.
All I seem to do is walk around this room in a daze when I'm awake and have nightmares when I sleep. I've lost all sense of time. And I don't care. I feel empty.
With the blindness of youth, I use to think there wasn't anything I couldn't do. I was wrong. I also thought that bad things -- I mean really bad things -- only happened to bad people. Bad things happen to bad and good people, and I'm sure some would see me on either side of that fence. I don't know when I fell in love with Charlie. I don't know when desire, sex, or love began.
If I had to do over again, even now, I don't know whether I'd run to her or kill her for all the pain she's put me through. I simply don't know. I have loved her with an intensity I never knew possible. I have never known such joy nor such pain, such desire or such need. My need for her is all encompassing. I feel this great ache in my chest when she is not with me. Even now at this moment. I simply just don't exist anymore. Only my need for her lives inside me. Somewhere along the way I stopped. It's that simple. I just stopped. And in a moment, whatever there is left of me will just stop. And I won't be anymore. A choice must be made. Then or now doesn't matter anymore. She's coming up the stairs and I'm tired and I want to sleep and I can't. This gun in my hand feels heavy.
It was a beautiful day. Mark and I were finally going on that vacation we had promised ourselves at least three years ago when we had started the business.
For the past three years we had worked to get our advertising business off the ground and finally it had taken off. Those eighteen-hour days had made us very successful, but they had also taken their toll on our relationship. We needed this vacation and we both knew it.
In the past ten years we had gotten married, had two children and we had a successful and lucrative partnership. Some people would say we had it all; and we seemed to. But, when I turned thirty-five I cried all day and I couldn't understand why. I was overwhelmed with such a sense of loneliness that it had frightened me. All I wanted and needed at that moment was to be held.
I called Mark through the intercom to come to my office. He was talking to one of our clients and asked me to wait. Twenty minutes later I called him again. Two hours later he came into my office with a big smile on his face, we had landed our first million-dollar contract.
He went on and on not even noticing the glassy expression in my eyes. I walked over and stood by the window looking out into the street. I saw a young couple walking holding hands. They stopped to look into a store window and quite suddenly she looked up into his eyes and even though I was far away I could sense the love in her eyes for him. My arms went around my body and tears just came.
All of a sudden Mark realized I wasn't talking. "What's wrong Laura?" he asked. "Did you just hear what I said? We just got the Weatherbee Account," he said excitedly. "Laura what's wrong?"
I rushed into his arms. He held me tightly as my body shook with uncontrollable sobbing. That day we talked well into the night and decided we needed to get away together for a while. Hopefully, a much-needed vacation with Mark would bring us closer together again.
It isn't that I wasn't happy, not exactly. It's that, with time, it had begun to feel comfortable being with Mark. Something between us just didn't seem to be there anymore, and the realization of feeling this need forever inside me is what had frightened me that day. I said so many things to him as we talked. I told him that I wanted more time with him, that we needed to concentrated on each other, that I longed just to be with him. I said all these things and more.
What I really wanted to say was that the business had taken over our lives. Success had become the passion in our marriage. When I saw that young couple it had become suddenly quite clear what I wanted. I wanted to be in love again. It isn't that I didn't love Mark anymore. It's that I wanted to feel the longing and the passion I had felt long ago. Somewhere along the way I think we just stopped trying. I wanted those feelings back. And the thought of not being able to get them back had scared me to death. My whole world was built with him and around him. I could not ever imagine it any other way. But, I couldn't leave it like this. I just couldn't.
It took two long months to set up everything so that we could get away. And leaning over the rail of the cruise ship I couldn't believe we were actually on our way. I was waiving good-bye to our children on the dock filled with an anticipation that I had felt long ago. They would stay with my parents, and Mark and I would go on that much needed vacation together.
"Happy, Honey?" He asked and it seemed as if he were going to say something else but decided against it. "I'm sorry it took so long Laura, but I promise it's just you and me on this trip, just you and me."
I went into his embrace. I waved again to the children with a big smile on my face this time. And as I looked at my dad waving to me I made out the words "be happy." I nodded, blew him a kiss and waved good-bye. Daddy had always known me better than I knew myself.
We had been on the ship for three days before we decided to venture out in public. For the first three days we had dinner brought to our cabin, made love all day and at night we would stroll on the deserted deck, holding hands, finding dark corners to kiss in like lovers hiding from prying eyes.
I was happy. I felt truly happy. It had been so long since I had felt this carefree.
On the fourth night, we decided to dine on one of the ship's dinning rooms and
then go dancing in one of the discotheques on board. The main dining room to
which we had been assigned was absolutely breathtaking with its hanging crystal
chandeliers. This was going to be one of those grand dining experiences by the
look of things, like the ones that you saw in the movies. We had been assigned
to a table with three other couples.
When we arrived at the table one of the men got up and introduced himself to Mark. "Hello, so glad you could join us", he said as he reached out his hand to Mark. Some of the others on the table broke out in laughter. "I'm John Beckford. They're laughing because they're jealous. This is my wife Pam."
She reached out her hand and Mark shook it. "Hi," she said.
And the others introduced themselves as well. There was a Mr. and Mrs. Albert Forrest, a Mr. Gary Campbell and his daughter Vicky and Mr. and Mrs. Karl Von Steiben. "Your seats have been empty for the past three nights and frankly we were all taking bets. Are you two newlyweds?" asked John.
I think I must have blushed because Gary Campbell and his daughter started laughing. "I guess you could say that. A second honeymoon," said Mark with a big grin on his face. He leaned over and lightly kissed my lips.
The rest of the night was spent on light conversation and laughter except for Karl and Charlotte Von Steiben who were barely speaking with anyone. Toward the end of the evening it was quite obvious to everyone that the conversation among them had gotten out of control. When Karl said in a loud voice that the whole table could hear "You, Bitch!" it had not taken anyone by surprise. He grabbed his wife's wrist and through clenched teeth said, "If you think I'm going to take this you don't know me."
She stood up and pulled herself free from him. "You've been well paid for your services, living off my money, you parasite!" She yelled back at him.
"As usual we are making a scene, sit down Charlotte!" He said mockingly.
"Fuck you Karl! I don't give a fuck!!" And on that, she walked away.
"Please excuse us," said Karl Von Steiben and followed his wife out.
After dinner we went on our usual nightly stroll on deck. We walked hand in hand in silence just enjoying the sound of the sea and one another's Company. A ship's officer interrupted our stroll. "Mr. Cole, you have an urgent land to ship call from a Mr. Ernest Lupbell. If you follow me, I'll be glad to take you there," he said.
"Darling, there is no point in your missing this beautiful moon. Let's not waste it. You continue and I'll catch up with you. You know Ernie, this is probably nothing," he said. "I'll be back in a moment." He kissed me lightly on the mouth and walked away to deal with Ernie.
It was a warm night, incredibly humid. The air felt heavy and salty. As I was getting close to the front of the boat I came upon Charlotte Von Steiben leaning against the rail smoking a cigarette. She was dressed in a white silk gown that clung to her perfect figure and like the moon above us she glowed in incredible beauty.
I didn't really feel like talking but there wasn't any way to pass by without acknowledging her presence. She noticed my approach and she spoke first. "I didn't get your name at dinner," she said, flicking her cigarette at the ocean. As she exhaled the smoke she turned and faced me while blocking my walking past her.
"I'm Laura Cole."
"How is the honeymoon, Laura?" She asked looking directly into my eyes with an odd expression.
"Fine," I answered.
Something about her made me feel quite suddenly uncomfortable. She kept looking at me. She said nothing for a few moments, gave me a quick smile, then turned and walked away.
"Talk about your weird people" I mumbled to myself. Strange, real strange woman, I remember thinking.
Charlotte Von Steiben was apparently very wealthy according to the talk at the dinner table after their departure. She and her husband had been less than civil all the nights that we had not been at dinner as well. She was a woman who apparently had all that most people could want. Incredibly attractive, you could tell that she led a pampered life. She had the perfect tan with beautifully manicured hands. Her hair was the color of golden wheat and her face was like a fine sculpture. She was truly the most beautiful woman I had ever seen, with a body that most women would kill for and she knew it.
It was hard to feel sorry for anyone with all those things. Yet somehow, I felt that there was something sad about her. Somehow, something in her eyes had seemed sorely lacking. An emptiness that I saw in that brief moment she stood looking at me.
I stood there looking out into the ocean for what seemed like a long time thinking about her, when quite suddenly, I felt a chill come all over me and I turned, looking around expecting to see someone. There was no one. I was alone. I shook off the feeling and I went looking for Mark.
I found him in our cabin packing. "What's happened? Why are you packing?" I asked in disbelief.
"There is a problem with the Weatherbee Account, I have to go back and handle it," he said not looking at me. I stood there in silent disbelief.
"Mark, we need this time together you know that." He stopped packing and slowly turned towards me. He looked at me for a moment without speaking.
"Laura, this account is very important to us. I'll be back in two or three days at the most." He tried taking me in his arms but I pulled away from him.
"I need this time with you, Mark." I started pacing, looking at the floor in frustration. "We need this time together, stay, please!" I stopped and faced him. It was true I did need him. There was so much I needed to tell him. So much I wanted him to know
I wanted more from life than what I had. I wanted a real marriage, with intimacy and the things that most married people did together. I wanted to try to make the little league games that we never had time to go to when our son Josh played. Or the music recital that Ashley, our daughter, played piano in and we could not make because there was an important deal to close. I wanted the family I had, not in appearance but to really be a part of. I thought that Mark wanted the same thing.
I wanted to say all these things but I remained silent. I resented the fact that it was not as important to him. I wanted him to make me fall in love again.
I wanted him to know all this without the need of my having to tell him. That's why I felt hurt and betrayed at that moment. And nothing he could have said about why he was leaving would have made any difference.
"Laura, try to understand. This account can make all the difference to us," he sighed. "I'll make this up to you I promise." On that note, he finished packing and walked out the cabin. A helicopter flew him away.
I spent the next day alone in my cabin. Mark called several times but I chose not to take his calls. I was angry, hurt and scared. I can confess now that I was really scared. I didn't like what was happening to me. I was always in control of my life and now the world under my feet was shaky and it frightened me.
That night I went to dinner by myself. They all asked, of course, where Mark was and I explained he had been called away on urgent business but that he would be joining me later on. They all accepted this explanation, except for Charlotte Von Steiben. I could tell in her eyes. The usual light conversation continued and I joined in. I would catch her looking at me. She never said anything but I knew. As a matter of fact she said nothing through dinner. She spoke to no one. Just like I, she was also alone. Toward the end of the evening acting as if nothing was wrong was more than I could handle. I told them all I had a headache and left the dinning room. I went for a walk on deck.
I spent the next two days in my cabin. Except for the nightly strolls on deck I remained isolated with my own thoughts. Every night I'd stand, leaning against the rail of the ship, till the early hours of the night in a deserted part of the ship; and there was only the sound of the ocean and me. I'd close my eyes and I'd let the soft breeze caress me, envelope me in its embrace and in so doing I would find some peace.
One night the sound of steps broke the silence. I turned my head toward the sound and walking slowly toward me was Charlotte Von Steiben. I resented the interruption and did not bother with pleasantries; I again looked out into the ocean and ignored her approach. I did not want to see anyone never mind have to make polite conversation. She stopped next to me and like me leaned against the rail but with her back to the ocean and her eyes on me.
"How is the honeymoon now, Laura?" She asked in a husky voice. When I didn't answer she turned away from me and was now looking out onto the water as well. "I'm sorry," she said, "sensitivity is not my forte." For a moment there was only silence between us. She started to speak again after a moment. "I need a drink, care to join me? It might cure what ails you."
"Well suit yourself," she said. She started walking away and turned once again towards me. "Well, it seems that we have something in common after all Laura." She seemed to be waiting for me to say something. I looked at her in puzzlement. Then she proceeded to elaborate. "You and I are both alone."
I was too surprised by what she had said to tell her that it was not the case with me. Mark and I would work this out. We were in love, weren't we? We had two children. But before I could utter a word she had gone. And I was more troubled then before she had come to me. Were we in love? No, it was really a question of was I in love, wasn't it? A sense of panic took over me and I rushed to my cabin. I placed a ship to land call to Mark. I was going to work this out with him. I had to work this out. I had the same sense of panic and desperation as I had felt that day two months before. I needed to talk to Mark. He had left the office and was on his way home. I tried the house an hour later. Mark answered the phone and I took in a deep breath of relief.
We spoke for what seemed like a long time. He told me how sorry he was that he had left. That I had been right, the problem that had come up was something that Ernie could have handled. He had tried to get a flight out to me again but there were no flights until the following Tuesday and Wednesday I was scheduled to return. It was Saturday so we agreed that I would try to get a flight back on Sunday when the ship would dock in one of the small islands we were scheduled to visit. He and the children missed me and they wanted me home. We would work it all out together. He promised we would be happy. He promised we would make it work. Mark was solid. He made me feel safe. He was someone I had always been able to count on. As soon as I hung up the phone I went to make the necessary arrangements for my trip back home.
I was informed that there was no airport on the island we were scheduled to dock in the next day. I would have to wait until the next scheduled stop the day after. One more day was too long. I had to find a way. One more day seemed like a lifetime.
Something inside me was driving me on. I sensed that I needed to work this out with Mark. I needed to work this out as soon as possible. I wanted to rush to happiness and in doing so I looked only ahead. I should have looked sideways. My stubbornness and persistence had helped us get ahead. We had kept our eyes on the prize. And in doing so, we had been successful in business. We had been the ideal couple, ideal partners. We had wanted the same things. My stubbornness in never giving up under what seemed like impossible circumstances had served me well. I believed that all I had to do was want it and in not giving up or giving in to difficulties, or as some would say under impossibilities, I would always come in on top because I'd go the distance. I always won. I would win again. Failure was not an option, not then and especially not now.
As soon as we docked in the island I started making inquiries. I was told that I might want to charter a boat to a nearby island. They had an airport. I found out that there was a flight scheduled to leave for Boston with a connecting flight to New York that evening. If I could find someone to take me by boat I'd be able to make that flight.
The ship's director gave me the name of a local man that usually made those kinds of trips. He, however, was fully booked and could not take me. I explained that it was urgent I get home. There had to be a way, I insisted. He thought about it for a second and said he knew of someone with a boat that might be interested in taking me. The man's name was Ralph Burton and I might find him at a place called The Sailor's Inn.
I found Ralph Burton at the bar. He looked scruffy with at least a two-day-old beard. He didn't inspire much confidence, but he had a boat, and a boat is what I needed.
"Captain Burton, may I speak to you?" He turned and was looking at me.
"Do I know you?" He started looking me over in a most disagreeable manner. "No, If I knew you I would definitely not have forgotten," he finished his drink and looked at me again. "What can I do for you?"
I told him I needed him to take me to the next Island. I needed to make a flight and that Captain Robles had told me that he might be able to help me.
"Only you?" he asked.
"Yes, only me." "
Nope, sorry." He turned away from me and ordered another drink.
"Why?" I asked him.
He turned impatiently towards me. "It would not be worth it to me. It would not be profitable. But would you like to have a drink with me? "
I shook my head. "No, thank you." He turned to face the bar and started on his next drink. "What is you usual fee for a trip?" I asked him.
"Five thousand dollars. Cash," he said not bothering to look at me.
"CASH!" I exclaimed. He did not acknowledge my statement.
As I was about to walk away I heard a voice saying, "I'll pay you ten if we leave within the next hour." Ralph Burton's mouth dropped open as he turned with a surprised expression on his face. "Cash," she added. "I suggest you get your boat ready, we'll want to leave on time. On time means within the next hour." She showed him some bills, and, with not so much as a word, Ralph Burton rushed out.
All I could do was stare at her. She reached out and put a strand of hair from the side of my face behind my ear. "There, that's better. We have an hour to get to the dock," she said to me and turned to walk away.
She looked back at me. "I'm tired of being on that floating palace and besides, I have a divorce to arrange." And she walked away.
Life had a funny way of working things out, I thought. Once again I had won. I was on my way. I rushed back to the ship to pack up my things and cable Mark that I would be home by that night.
I met Charlotte and Captain Burton at the boat and we were on our way within the hour. We had been out at sea for a few hours and from the onset we had all settled into a comfortable silence. I was looking out toward the horizon and Charlotte kept smoking one cigarette after the other. I suppose she had things to think about as well.
She put out her cigarette, and looking at Captain Burton quiet suddenly said, "I think he's plastered."
I turned my head to look at the Captain. "You mean he's drunk?" I said in disbelief. She looked at me smiled, and looked out at the sea again. "When did you notice?"
"When I got on board," she answered in a whisper, still looking at the ocean. I couldn't believe what she was saying.
"Why didn't you tell me!" I exclaimed. She remained silent but I persisted. "Charlotte, this could be dangerous." Still she said nothing. "You should have told me"
"Why?" She looked serenely into my eyes. "Would it have stopped you?" She looked away toward the sea once more.
She infuriated me to no end. There was little I could have said, since I knew that she was right. I don't know what made me angrier the smugness of her statement, that she seemed to know me so well, or the fact that she had neglected to let me decide for myself. I decided it wasn't worth arguing over. Soon we would arrive at our destination and I wouldn't have to deal with this insufferable woman anymore. She was unbearable. If I had to spend any long period of time with her I was sure it would get ugly. As it was, I already found her to be insufferable and impossible to be civil with. And, if we didn't get off this ship soon I'm sure she would drive me to murder with her tactless sarcastic remarks.
I walked to the other side of the boat to put as much distance between us as possible. Within a quarter of an hour, the sea changed completely. Before, it had been calm. Now, from what seemed out of nowhere, we were in the middle of a very heavy storm. The boat seemed to rise and fall with what seemed to be twenty-foot waves. It was like we were riding a roller coaster.
Burton told us to put on our life vests should the boat start to break up. We were in the middle of a raging sea and wrapped in what seemed like a cloak of darkness. The sound of the storm was so loud that it made hearing anything but its fury impossible. Burton staggered towards us, handing over a rope and signaling that we should tie ourselves down so as not to be thrown overboard. We tied ourselves to one of the floating barrels. Within seconds what seemed like a black mountain of water rose before us and it all went dark.
I woke up to a blinding light. I had a splitting headache and I felt utterly weightless. Everything came back to me in a flash. I was surrounded by water. All I could see was water. Next to me was the floating barrel we had tied ourselves to.
"Oh my God." I started turning in all directions. In panic I kept turning and turning wanting to see what wasn't there. I was surrounded by water and sky. Floating next to me was a barrel. Charlotte and I had tied ourselves to the barrel. "Oh my God..." I started to cry out.
In the vastness around me, out of nowhere, I heard a moan. I started looking around in desperation. Once again I heard moaning. I swam around the barrel and there was Charlotte's motionless body. She had a gash on the side of her left temple. It was about two inches long and bleeding profusely. Blood covered the left side of her face. She was so pale that her beautiful tan had disappeared. For one brief moment I thought she was dead and all I could do was stare in shocked disbelief. Then I heard her moan once more and I felt such joy. I wasn't alone.
I pulled her to me and started to caress her face in relief. I whispered into her ear that we were alive and that she must hang on. I kept telling her that someone would find us and we would be safe. I wasn't sure whether she could understand or even heard me but in comforting her, I had a purpose.
She started coming in and out of consciousness through the hours that followed. It was getting dark; and it was getting cold. I had not heard Charlotte make a sound for awhile.
"Charlotte. Charlotte," I said louder.
"I'm still here," she answered.
"For a moment I thought...that?"
"I'm afraid, Laura. We're going to die," she said simply.
"No, don't think like that. They are going to find us," I said, trying to comfort her and trying to convince myself.
"My head feels like its going to fall off." I could hear the pain in her voice.
"Hang on. Just hang on to me. We're going to be okay," I said trying to encourage her.
We clung to each other through the cold of the night and saw a new morning. Never did I know and appreciate the simple fact of just being alive. The rising sun brought with it warmth and hope. As the day progressed however the sun felt hotter and hotter as the hours passed. We were overcome with thirst and exhaustion. Charlotte lost consciousness again. I was afraid. Oh God, I was so afraid. All I could do was cry and speak to Charlotte even though I knew she could not hear.
She opened her eyes finally and just kept looking out into the distance. She did not speak, so I spoke for both of us. I told her about Mark and me, about my children, my business, my hopes, and my aspirations. I even told her how I was going to get a puppy for the kids and how we had argued endlessly about what to call it. I spoke to her until there was nothing else to say.
I was silent for a few moments. I looked at her and her eyes were closed. I panicked. "Don't you to leave me Charlie!" I felt her squeeze my hand. I clung to her with every fiber of my being.
We clung to each other, waiting for a rescue that did not come. That night, we did not expect to survive. But, neither of us said so. In the cold and in the dark, we held on. When the sun rose the next day it was a gift and a torment. We were consumed with thirst and as the hours passed we did not try to speak anymore. We had both accepted in silence that we would die.
I stared out into the nothing and quite suddenly, I realized, that on the distance I saw a shadow etched between the sky and the water. I stared for a moment in disbelief. "My God!" I exclaimed. "Charlie... Charlie look...land Charlie, land." I kept repeating this to her until she seemed to understand. We started slowly swimming towards it.
After awhile she just stopped trying to swim. "Come on Charlie, just a little further."
"I can't Laura. I don't have the strength," she said to me. "Leave me Laura. I'm tired, just leave me, okay?" She moaned.
I got really mad. "Oh no, you are not going to do this to me now! We are going to make it together," I told her. "So, start kicking Charlie, because I'm not leaving you here and I don't plan to die. So move it."
She looked at me with one of her haughty looks and said, "don't call me Charlie!" And she started to kick again.
It seemed like we had been kicking forever. We could now see the beach and the trees. It seemed like a lifetime before we got to that beach. We had made it. Thank God, we had made it. When we finally reached the beach, we put our faces down on the sand and an exhausting sleep took over. I honestly can't say how long we slept; if it had been an hour or a day. But, we were alive and that was all that mattered.
I woke up to the sound of the surf and the taste of sand in my mouth. I looked over to Charlie. She was still breathing. The sun was high we had to find some shade. I dragged Charlie to some nearby palm trees and then collapsed next to her. There was a cool breeze, which made the sunburn we both had more tolerable. We were both red as clams.
Charlie came to. "I'm thirsty," she said barely audible. She looked awful.
"Charlie," I said to her. She seemed disoriented. I spoke to her again. "Charlie," she was looking at me now. "Listen Charlie, stay here. I'm going to see if I can find some water."
I wasn't sure that she had understood me. She just looked at me with a glassy, empty expression. She had lost a lot of blood and she, most likely than not, had suffered a concussion. I had to find some water and I had to find it fast.
"Charlie, do you understand? Charlie, please! Stay here, okay? I'll find you some water, okay? Okay Charlie?"
I needed to know that she understood me. I was afraid that if she didn't give me a sign and I left her there she might be dead when I got back, if I got back. "I need you Charlie. Please, don't leave me alone. Please!"
She then looked into my eyes and gave me one of her half smiles and I embraced her. We clung to each other. "Ouch!" I said and we both pulled away. The sunburn hurt. She actually smiled and I smiled back. We were all we had.
I got myself up slowly and went looking for water. I had to find us some water and I prayed that Charlie would be alive when I got back. I wasn't sure whether she had any other injuries. But water was something we needed and had to have. I don't know how long I wondered around trying to keep the beach to my back; afraid that I'd get lost and I wouldn't be able to get back to Charlie.
It was hard walking. My feet were bare. I sat down on a log completely exhausted. I was so hot. The pain from the sunburn felt awful. I felt like I was on fire. I closed my eyes and leaned my head back, hoping the breeze would give me some comfort. I felt the world spinning around me. My eyes fluttered open and I knew that if I didn't find water soon, I would die.
The calmness that slowly came over me suddenly frightened me. I was going to pass out and if I did I might not wake up again. I shut my eyes and tried to concentrate really hard. I kept telling myself, "hang on, just hang on a little longer."
Slowly, like walking towards a sound in a fog, it came to me, a sound that progressively became clearer. It sounded like a waterfall. I started up again toward the sound. It became louder and louder. I ran toward it stumbling and falling but not giving up on it. Suddenly, there it was -- a waterfall; a magnificently beautiful waterfall. I started laughing hysterically and ran into it. It was drinkable. Thank God! I drank until my thirst was quenched. I laid in the water and the heat seemed to dissipate from my skin.
Charlie! I had to get water to Charlie! I looked around for something to be able to carry it in. I found some dry coconuts and kept hitting one against a rock until it cracked. I filled it with water and I started back to Charlie.
When I reached her and she saw me she seemed genuinely surprised. I knelt down beside her, slowly sat her up and started giving her water. During all this time she did not move her eyes from my face. She leaned back and closed her eyes. " I didn't think you would come back," she whispered and opened her eyes.
She seemed suddenly close to tears. I lightly dabbed some water on the gash over her temple in an attempt to clean her wound. "Why would you think I wouldn't? I said I would, didn't I? Woman of little faith," I said to her jokingly.
And she simply said, "Why should you be any different?" as her eyes looked into mine.
I didn't know how to answer that. I lowered my gaze looking for something to say to her. Quite suddenly, I saw the pain in her. She wasn't made of marble after all. The world saw her like a haughty and over pampered woman. I knew that from the conversations I had heard at the dinner table back on the ship. But, at that moment, I saw how lonely and how needy she was within. She must have seen the confusion in my face and before I could speak she did. "I'm sorry," she said simply and as I raised my eyes to meet hers she looked away.
I didn't know quite what I should say to her. Her hand reached for mine. I sat down next to her with my back to the tree. We sat there in silence. It was getting dark and sleep caught up with us. We both curled up next to the tree and fell asleep.
During the night the sound of whimpering woke me. I turned toward Charlie. She was having a nightmare. I shook her to wake her. She woke suddenly and her eyes, I could see, were filled with tears. I took her into my arms and stroked her hair. "It's okay...SSHHH...It's okay. It's only a nightmare," I whispered in her ear. She clung to me in desperation.
Someday I would fully understand what that moment would mean to the rest of my life. Charlotte Catherine Von Steiben clung to me and I held her tight through the night.
The first order of the day for the first few days was survival. I had found water and as to food, well, there were plenty of fruits. Charlie started feeling better too. What we couldn't understand was why we were still marooned. This didn't happen in this day and age. People were not stranded anymore, for God's sake. These were the 1990's not the 1890's. There were search planes and a coast guard. Surely, they had to be looking for us.
Two weeks had gone by and we were still stranded. Charlie was feeling okay now but all she ever wanted to do was sunbathe and I was getting tired of doing all the work. My temper got the better of me and sparks started to fly one day.
I had been walking back from fetching the water like I did everyday and I cut my foot on a broken shell on the beach. "AAHHH! God dammit! Shit! Shit! Shit!" I remember it had hurt like hell. I hopped around a few steps until I fell on the sand in pain. I remember hearing Charlie laughing her head off. "You think this is funny?" I yelled at her and if looks could kill she would have disintegrated on the spot. She kept on laughing.
"You should have seen yourself," she said. "Hopping around?hahaha!" She wouldn't stop laughing.
I remember taking a handful of sand and throwing it at her. Some must have gone into her eyes because she immediately put her hands up to them and she was stumbling towards the water while she was cursing me out in a bad way.
"You bitch! You fucking bitch! Just wait till I get this sand out of my eyes." She kept splashing water into her face. She finally gave up and totally submerged herself in the water.
When she came up again and she saw me I could tell she was furious. She was trying to run in the water toward me on the beach. I stood up and when she reached me she gave me such a push that I was on my ass all over again.
I got up and I lunged at her. Within a few seconds we were rolling around fighting like two kids. At thirty-five I was rolling around on a beach with a naked woman, fighting like we were in grade school.
I pinned her down. "Enough!" I said to her. She was still plenty mad because she wouldn't stop trying to get me off her. "Enough, Charlie!" I yelled.
This had gone far enough. She hissed at me through her teeth "Get off of me right now!"
I looked at her straight in the eyes and said, "Have you had enough?" She wouldn't answer. So, I asked again putting my face closer to hers. "I said have you had enough?"
For a moment she just stared at me. All the anger was gone from her face. "You like being up there Laura?"
What she said did not register for a few seconds. And as soon as I knew what she meant I got off of her immediately. She turned, laid on her stomach, got up on her elbows, threw her head back and was laughing again.
I started hopping away and yelled back at her. "You're crazy! If you think I'm going to keep on doing everything, you're really crazy." I kept hopping away towards the shelter I had put together. I kept yelling back at her on the top of my lungs. "I've had it! You are going to have to start moving your ass and doing some of the work around here."
As I kept hopping towards the shelter I kept mumbling to myself. "And for Christ's sake, PUT SOME CLOTHES ON!!!" I reached the shelter and just dropped to the ground.
My foot had not stopped bleeding. I kept trying to close the cut with my fingers by applying pressure but it must have been very deep because my hands were covered in blood now too. The sun was blocked by Charlie's shadow standing over me.
I looked up and immediately I could see the concern in her eyes as she knelt in front of me and saw that I was covered in blood.
"My God! What have you done to yourself?" Her voice was warm and tender now with concern.
She helped me up and we started back to the water. When we got to the water she started cleaning out the cut. It had gotten full of sand. Once the wound was cleaned she started applying pressure to it. The bleeding started to slow down. I however was feeling a little dizzy.
"Take off your blouse," she said looking at me with concern and gentleness.
"Why?" I heard myself asking.
"I need to wrap your foot tightly and you are the one with the clothes on," she explained.
I started unbuttoning it but, apparently I was too slow and in all honesty I don't think I could have finished, everything started to spin around me.
"Let me do this before you bleed to death," said Charlie, pushing my hands aside in exasperation. She had quickly removed my blouse and wrapped it tightly around my foot.
"It's too tight Charlie," I whispered.
"It has to be tight," she answered curtly. A moan escaped from my lips and I laid back on the sand. I wanted to stop the world from spinning.
I felt myself getting up very easily and I looked around totally disoriented. Charlie's face was right next to mine. How had I gotten up so easily? I felt the support of her right arm behind my back and under my arm.
She was now leading us back to the shelter. Gently, she helped me down on one of the mats lying on the floor. She placed something under my foot to elevate it. My eyelids felt very heavy. Charlie raised my head and tried to make me drink some coconut juice hoping that its sweetness would help my dizziness.
"No more Charlie," I protested and as the liquid overflowed from my mouth. "Are you trying to drown me?" She wiped the excess liquid away from my lips and chin and giggled.
She looked into my eyes and tenderly answered my question with one of her own. "And stay by myself on this island?" I smiled back to her face above me. She pulled me close and my cheek rested on her shoulder and my forehead on her neck. I remember I heard her say very quietly before I dozed off "Don't call me Charlie," as her arms tightened around me.
That incident had changed everything between us. I think we realized that we needed each other and we started genuinely enjoying each other's company.
As soon as I was able to walk again we started to explore the island and found what seemed like an old abandoned dock. The good news about that was that there were nets, some canvas and, thank you God, some pots that we could use to cook in.
After about two months of only eating fruit, finding pots was like finding gold. We were ecstatic. Of course the fact that neither of us had ever tried to actually catch a fish didn't deter the excitement as to the possibilities.
We took our booty back to our side of the island and started making plans for dinner.
I started washing out the biggest pot. I scrubbed it with sand and then rinsed it in the ocean. It took several trips to the waterfall to get enough water to fill the pot. If we had tried filling it and carrying it back it would have been too heavy. Charlie had gathered some dried pieces of wood. After two months of practice we had figured out how to start a fire. We were ready to start.
We went off to get our dinner with our net and total ignorance as to what we were supposed to do with it.
"I think we should go to the inlet," I said to Charlie.
She looked at me and asked, "why the inlet?"
I remembered how when the tides changed we had seen fish there. We must have tried to catch fish for a good two hours. In these two months, I also had come to know that Charlie had a low tolerance level. Patience was not in her nature. So, when she lost her patience it did not catch me totally by surprise.
"Fuck this, I've had enough." She walked away.
"Charlie!" I called out to her. "Don't be like that! Come on Charlie. Hey, if you have a better idea just say so." After all, I was upset too. But you didn't see me quit. I kept yelling at her. "Quitter! You don't see me giving up do you?"
No answer from her, she just kept walking away. "Charlie!"
She quickly spun around and yelled back. "I've told you a million times, DON'T CALL ME CHARLIE!!!" She started walking back to the shelter again.
I sat on the rocks a while longer. I suppose I really couldn't blame her for being frustrated. I started back when it began to get dark.
By the time I got back to the shelter it had gotten considerably darker. Charlie had not started the fire we usually lit every night. It had become a ritual. We would talk in front of the fire about everything and anything. It was a routine that we had both looked forward to, so where was Charlie?
I started walking further down the beach. It was a warm night and there was a full moon. It made everything glow in a silver sheen.
After a few minutes I saw her out in the water. She stood up. The water was up to her thighs. She was running her fingers back through her hair. The glow of the moon seemed to highlight the utter beauty of her naked body.
I considered myself attractive. Enough men had told me I was beautiful. But, Charlie was breathtakingly beautiful. She had continued to sunbathe so her whole body had an even honey golden color. Her hair had gotten lighter, as had mine, from the sun. After a while I had taken to sunbathing with her. But never had I noticed her or looked upon her as I did at that moment.
Never in all the times we had laid side by side totally nude, taking in the sun, had I ever experienced the feelings I felt in that instance. All I could do was stare at her moving around in the water in sheer abandonment.
She cupped her breasts and turned her face up towards the sky. At that moment I understood what she felt. It had been so long since anyone had touched me. I was filled with a sense of wantonness.
I closed my eyes and when I opened them and looked at her I felt desire. The realization hit me like a ton of bricks.
At that moment Charlie noticed me standing at the shore and waved for me to come in. I turned and ran the other way, back to the safety of the shelter.
I can't tell you all the thoughts rushing through my head. I had never experienced such feelings for a woman. I felt uncomfortable, frustrated and the worst thing of all was that I realized, as I was running back to the shelter, that I had wanted my hands to be hers. I wanted to caress her breasts. I wanted to feel her lips on mine. I was shaking with desire and disgust at the same time.
As soon as I reached the shelter I started pacing like a caged cat. I had to find something to do. I started building the fire. I had gotten it started when I looked up and saw Charlie slowly walking towards me from a distance.
She had the rags of what were the remains of our clothes these days in her hands. They barely covered our bodies anymore.
She was slowly walking back. Taking her time looking at the ocean and up towards the stars, all I could do was stare.
After a few moments I went to my mat on the floor and laid down. I turned my back to her as she approached the shelter.
"Hey, why didn't you come into the water?" she asked. I did not answer.
"Are you still mad because I left you with that stupid net?" She waited
for me to say something. "I know you're not asleep Laura," she paused.
"Come on Laura, don't be mad." She must have gotten tired of waiting
for me to answer so she decided to go to sleep too.
She laid down next to me like she did every night , and all of a sudden I felt her wet arm graze my back.
I turned to look at her. She was still naked and wet the light from the fire bouncing off her. "Are you going to sleep like that?" I asked her.
She looked at me in surprise. "Yes! It's hot." She turned her back to me.
The next few days we barely spoke. I would get up and head out looking for fruit and fetching the water.
I started doing alone all the things we would do together. And I also kept on trying different things to catch those stupid fish.
Two days later it paid off. Now we had fish added to our diet. I also found a bed of Lobsters near one of the reefs and occasionally I was lucky enough to be able to get some.
The net and the pot we now had made all the difference. I don't think fruit would have done the trick after awhile. All these new chores kept me busy and away from Charlie. I stopped sunbathing with her. I could tell she was hurt. Why shouldn't she be? All of a sudden I was avoiding her company and I'd go out of my way to avoid being near her.
I had intentionally and methodically cut her out of everything I did. This went on for about three weeks. We were barely speaking now.
I missed our talks. I missed walking with her, swimming with her, sharing every day things. I missed all the things I had shared with her before.
She stopped trying to talk to me too. She took to staring out at the ocean for hours at a time and occasionally I would catch her looking longingly at me.
Another few weeks went by and nothing between us had changed. We were stuck on this God forsaken island. They must have given up on us by now. I knew that our chances grew slimmer the more time that past.
I was walking up the beach when I saw Charlie sitting on one of the reefs one day. Normally I would have walked away but I saw her raise her hands to her face and saw her body shaking with sobs. She couldn't see me. I could have walked away. I should have. But, I couldn't walk away from her.
She looked so miserable. My breast was filled with such emotion. I wanted to comfort her.
I walked to her slowly. She could not see me coming. Her back was to me. And as I closed the distance between us I could hear the sound of her crying.
I knelt down behind her and my hand reached out to touch her. As I touched her shoulder she turned and looked at me. Her eyes were filled with more unshed tears. The sadness and the pain in her eyes cut at my soul. I took her into my arms and her arms went immediately around me.
I held her tightly and I could feel every move her body made as she sobbed. I stroked her hair gently and kissed her forehead. I held her closer to me. And rocked her in my arms.
I held her for a long time. She looked up at me and I tenderly caressed her face. Her eyes were looking into mine. Her lips parted. I could feel myself getting closer to her. Quickly and with no warning I pushed her from me.
She stared in surprise. I jumped into the water and started back towards the shore. Charlie jumped in behind me.
She caught up with me, grabbed me by the arm and turned me around to face her.
"Why? Tell me why?" She was screaming at me. "Just tell me, why?" She asked over and over. I tried to pull free from her. "Laura, I need you," she cried. I pulled free.
I started toward the shore once more. I could hear her sobs again. And I stopped. I turned to look at her.
"Charlie?Charlie, don't make it any harder please," I begged her. She just stared at me. "Don't you see Charlie?" I paused. "I can't be around you. I can't be with you." She just looked at me in confusion.
"Why? What have I done?" she asked. "What have I done Laura!" she cried. "I have never needed anyone," she said softly.
A big silence stood between us. I had to tell her. There was something wrong in me, it wasn't right that she should suffer like this. I had to try and make her understand and ask her to forgive me.
"I love you Charlie," I said simply.
She smiled and started walking towards me. Just as quickly she stopped when she noticed I took a few steps away from her.
"All I want to do is be with you," I said to her.
"Me too. I need you too," she said to me with a smile. I took another step back
"No you don't understand. I want you. I want you so bad it hurts to look at you. I've never?I can't be near you! Don't you understand? I can't be with you!" She just stood there staring at me with that blank expression in her eyes that I occasionally saw while I would catch her looking at me and she thought I wasn't watching. I turned and ran from her as quickly as my legs could carry me.
I was running in no particular direction. I knew she was running after me. I kept hearing her call my name. I finally just got tired and stopped. I was gasping for breath. I turned to look back and she was standing about ten feet away from me hunched over trying to catch her breath too.
After a few moments she stood up straight and took a step toward me and I took one back. All I could do was look at her. Her expression again was unreadable. She started walking towards me much slower this time. As I stood frozen staring at her, she stopped a few inches from me. I could feel her breath close to my face.
She was about an inch or two taller than I was. Having her standing so close, my eyes were looking straight into hers. Her eyes seemed to be looking straight into me, holding me in place. I felt like I was in a whirlpool, being sucked into a vacuum, that I had no hope of escaping, not that I wanted to.
Everything seemed to be happening in slow motion. Her hand came up to my face and stroked it lovingly. I was about to say something when she placed her finger on my lips.
She took a lock of hair from the side of my face and put it behind my ear as she had done so many times before. Her hand rested there behind my ear for a few seconds.
I was totally mesmerized and all I could feel or hear was the pounding of my heart. Her hand slipped behind my neck and I felt her pulling me closer. I felt every part of her body pressed against mine, her breath so close to my mouth.
I closed my eyes and I felt her lips lightly touching mine, slowly teasing my mouth to open. I experienced a rush of emotions that I had never known before. I could feel her hands on my back pulling me closer to her and a moan escaped from me. My arms went up and I pressed her closer to me. I wanted so desperately to melt into her.
Suddenly, I tore myself away. There were now a few feet between us. I couldn't seem to catch my breath. I kept staring into her eyes. There were so many emotions running through me but looking into Charlie's eyes I couldn't see anything. Then she spoke very softly to me. "I need you Laura, and you need this." She tried reaching out for me.
I had to look away. God, I felt such disgust for myself. She needed me and I was forcing this on her. A cry escaped my lips and I dropped to the ground and covered my face in shame. Tears started rolling down my face.
She knelt in front of me. I couldn't bear to look at her. She broke the silence. "I've never needed anyone. I don't know what to say to you." I could hear she took a deep breath before she continued. "Look at me! This charade has to stop!" She went on. "Please look at me Laura," she pleaded with me. I raised my tear-filled eyes and I was confused by what I saw.
Her eyes were no longer without expression. "I want to let you in Laura," she said softly. "Into my world, into my life." Her gaze became all of a sudden very serious. "I need this too." She reached out for me and pulled me to her and we both fell back unto the ground.
Half my body was above her. She slipped her hand behind my neck and started pulling me closer to her. Our lips were now touching
"I want this," she whispered reassuringly. And my lips came down on hers.
We kissed for what seemed like an eternity. Every kiss was more passionate than the one before. I felt her hands going up and down my body.
I wanted her so badly. I couldn't get enough, I tasted her, I felt her. My hands could not get enough of her. I lusted for her as I had never lusted for anyone before.
She pulled away, looking into my eyes, and proceeded to open her blouse. My breathing became more strained. Her eyes kept searching my face for my reaction.
I was afraid, excited, and I wanted her. God, how I wanted her. She took my hand and placed it on her breast. I was overcome with desire for her. My thumb started stroking her nipple. My other hand parted the rest of her blouse away and started stroking her other breast. Her eyes closed and her head went back.
My lips started to kiss her neck. And her lips rushed to join mine. She whispered into my mouth.
"I want to touch you." Her tongue started tracing my lips. And in a very low voice she spoke to me. "Ask me Laura! Ask me to touch you!" She stopped kissing me and was looking directly into my eyes. "Ask me to touch you! Tell me." She held my hands so I could not touch her. "Ask me to touch you! Ask me to caress your breasts like you've caressed mine." I was breathless. "Ask me Laura. Ask me to kiss them, and ask me to make you come with my mouth." With my hands in hers she yanked me towards her. I fell on top of her. Her face was right beneath me. With her lips brushing my face she kept whispering. "Ask me?ask me Laura" and I did ask.
I would have done or said anything. "Touch me, Charlie, please." I began to plead. "Please Charlie! I want to feel every part of you, and I want to feel you touch every part of me."
What followed was so much. It was a storm of one sensation after the other. It was pleasure beyond imagination. I touched and kissed and tasted every part of her. And she gave me such pleasure, as I'd never known.
She made love to me slowly and pleasured me until I could bear no more. We both laid afterwards intertwined in each other, covered only with the perspiration of the aftermath of passion. I held her close and she stroked my hair.
When it started to get dark we headed back towards our shelter in each other's embrace, kissing along the way. Strolling like lovers under a moonlit night. No words were necessary. And once we reached the shelter she pulled me close and we started kissing all over again.
We laid down on the mats and quite suddenly Charlie was above me parting my lips with hers, coaxing such hunger from me that when I closed my eyes and a groan escaped my lips she covered me with her body and her passion for the rest of the night.
With the light of day came clarity of mind. Charlie was still asleep. I went for a walk on the beach. I had to think. My God, what had I done? What was going to happen now? What would I say? How would she act? This was a road totally new to me.
I sat down in the sand and pulled my knees up close to my chest. I just sat there looking out into the ocean. Not knowing what was to happen next.
I asked myself the questions I had been dreading. Was what had happened a one-time thing?
Did it happen because we had both just needed to release all that built up sexual frustration? Or was it more?
Did I still want her? I had finally come to the most important question.
Did I still want her?
"Yes. Oh, yes."
I looked back towards the shelter and I saw Charlie standing there staring at me with that expressionless stare of hers. I knew she was waiting for me to make the first move.
I don't know how long she must have been standing there. But, the next move would have to be mine and she was waiting patiently for me to make it.
I stood up and walked slowly towards her, my eyes never leaving her for a moment. I was standing a few inches from her and my mouth sought out hers.
The outside world simply did not exist. We did all the things that lovers do. Out here in the middle of nowhere, morality was not an issue. We would work side by side. Take long walks on the beach, swim together, argue, and make up. We had been on the island for about six months now. And the last three with Charlie had been the happiest I had ever known.
I was going to see if I could get us some lobsters for dinner and she had gone to fetch the water to boil them in. I realized that this had been the first time I had been alone since that morning on the beach thinking about how I'd handle my new relationship with Charlie. It caught me by surprise. She wasn't there filling every moment with a question, a thought, a caress.
Inevitably, I started thinking about the life that had been before her. I missed my children. I longed to hold them and tuck them in at night. Ashley would be in second grade now. She had wanted to join the girl scouts this year. And we had planned to do that together when she got to second grade. Josh, my baby, somehow he could manage to get himself into some kind of mischief without even trying. And the realization that I might never see my children again filled me with such sorrow that without realizing it tears rolled down my face.
My arms felt empty and I wrapped them around me. I looked out beyond the ocean where the water and the sky meet. It was so far. Just as they were far from me. They must think that I had died. So little, to think that their mama was gone. Who was taking care of them? Those few years together filled with work and juggling schedules. I should have just loved them. I should have made the time to be with them. What did my success matter now? I must have stood there a very long time. Looking out there. Where they were? Where they were without me?
I felt Charlie's hand on my shoulder. She was standing right next to me. I don't know how long she'd been there. Or, if she'd been there long at all. I turned my face and looked into her eyes. And there, I was met by the emptiness that had been present other times. She sensed my need. And her wall came down. I saw tenderness and a question. I went into her arms and I shed the tears that had welled up inside me.
She held me close to her and only asked one question, "What don't you have that fills you with such longing?"
I felt her body becoming tense waiting for my answer. I pulled away from her. I wrapped my arms around myself. I felt a sudden shiver go through me. My eyes went back out there, far out there, where the ocean met the sky. The place they were. That's where they were for me now. And for a moment, I forgot that Charlie was there, waiting for my answer.
"I miss them Charlie," I took a deep breath. She just listened. "I miss my babies," I tried to suppress a sob. And then I sought the comfort of her embrace. I sat down on the sand. She sat down behind me and held me close against her. And we both looked out to the water. I spoke for a long time. I told her how it had been when they were born. Their first steps. Their first tooth. And telling her about them made them more real to me. Out here, nothing seemed real anymore. She listened, she held me closer to her and never said a word. After that moment, Charlie never left my side again.
We had been in the island for a total of about eighteen months, give or take a day. I had lost all hope of being found. I had accepted the fact that we would spend the rest of our lives there. I had made a life with Charlie in that idyllic place. There was no job to keep me away for all hours. There were no outside interests that we did not share. We had all the time in the world and we spent it together. I would be lying if I didn't acknowledge that the time I spent with Charlie on the island were the happiest I've ever known. Before or after. The days just slipped by.
One day we were out exploring the island and we decided to head to that old abandoned dock again. Perhaps, we had overlooked something that we could use. We were walking out towards the clearing when all of a sudden she shoved me hard down onto the ground. I turned over and she laid on top of me covering my mouth with her hand. She signaled me to be quite and pointed towards the dock. She rolled off me and I turned over. We were both looking towards the dock and then I noticed them. They looked scruffy. My God, they were men. We were going to be rescued.
In my excitement I started to get up and Charlie pulled me down hard again. She bade me to be quite. I whispered to her. "They can rescue us Charlie." I couldn't understand why she was acting like this. "We can go home. Don't you understand, they can take us home!" I exclaimed.
"Be quiet," she said to me. "Look at them Laura," She pointed at the sailors. "Look at them and tell me that they are going to take us home." I looked. She continued. "The only thing they'll do to us I won't bother to describe to you."
I looked at her in confusion. "They are pirates of some kind. They are not men. They are wild animals."
I tried to convince her and to convince myself. I wanted to get rescued. "Charlie, you don't know that."
She interrupted. "Yes, I do." She looked at them and continued, "they are predators, I recognize the breed."
I looked in their direction. I started to be afraid. "Do you think they'll go around the island and suspect that we're on it?" I said to her. She just kept staring at them in silence.
"Let's go," she said and we gradually started crawling away. We started back towards the shelter. We traveled quickly.
"We should go hide in that cave we found on the other side of the island," I said to her.
She just kept walking. I stopped. "Charlie, we would be safer in that cave!"
She just kept walking. I caught up with her, and turned her around. I was looking into the eyes of a stranger. My hands that were holding her in place just slipped off her.
"We have to go back to the shelter and dismantle it. We'll take what we need and go to the cave. You're right, we'll be safe there," she said grabbing my arm and her grip was strong. "They can't suspect we are here or they won't stop searching until they find us." She started to walk and dragged me along with her.
She was acting crazy. I knew she was afraid for us. Her grip was becoming increasingly painful. "Charlie let go of me. You're hurting me Charlie!"
She looked down at my arm and let go. "Hurry up, move quickly."
We made it back to the shelter in record time. We grabbed what we could. The most important things: the mats, because the cave would be cold to sleep on the ground there, and all the food we had. We had used the old canvas we had found on the dock to keep water from coming in from what we called a roof of our little hut. We tore it off and took it should we need protection from the elements. After making sure that there was no sign of anyone having been there recently; we went towards the cave as quickly as our feet could carry us.
Charlie had become a stranger. It was getting dark out. The cave was cold. Charlie and I were seating on opposite sides of the cave. She was moody and I sensed that she was angry. She kept standing up, walking to the mouth of the cave, looking around and walking back and seating back on the same spot. I felt as if she didn't even realize I was there.
She reminded me of a big cat in captivity. The way she would pace resenting the confinement. There was a sharpness in her eyes, and the way she moved was feline like. I was seeing a side of Charlie that I knew quite suddenly very few people were ever allowed to see.
I shook from the cold and my stirring got her attention. She walked over to me and slowly knelt down in front of me. There was a savage wildness in her eyes. But, her voice, when she spoke was low and melodic. She was completely in control.
"You are cold!" It wasn't a question but a statement.
She walked to where the canvas was, brought it to me and covered me with it. When she was satisfied that I was properly covered she looked straight at me. Her expression was unreadable. Her hand took the lock of hair that always was out of place on the side of my face and put it back behind my ear. And very intently looking into my eyes said to me, "I won't let anything hurt you...EVER"
She got up and went back to the mouth of the cave to look out and see if anyone was about. That's how we spent that night. I was afraid we were going to be found out and I was also afraid in what I saw in Charlie. We ate the food we brought in silence. And spent the next day very much the same as we had spent the night before.
It was again now dark. I broke the silence. "Charlie," she didn't let me finish. She put her finger on my lips and proceeded to caress them. She didn't let me speak. Her mouth took mine. Her passion was demanding that night. Her hunger was insatiable. I was lost in the abyss of that passion.
Two days later we ventured out of the cave cautiously and went towards the dock. They had gone. We looked throughout the island to be sure. There was a great relief when we finally accepted that in effect they were gone. And we were alone again as we had been before. But something inside me told me everything had changed.
We had been alone on the island for a week now since they had gone. Charlie, however, was still moody. It was time we put this behind us. "What's wrong Charlie?" I asked.
She had her back to me. And she did not appear to be going to answer me. "Charlie, has what you feel about me changed?" She still said nothing.
I didn't need an answer. I walked away from her.
"Wait," she called out to me.
I kept walking. And she yelled. "I can't do this. I don't want this!" I didn't understand. I turned around to look at her. She seemed genuinely upset. "I don't want to care about you," she continued. "I can't afford to care." She started pacing.
I was frozen and frightened. I was afraid she had stopped loving me. I had to let her speak at her own time. I waited expectantly.
She finally stopped pacing and faced me. "I have never needed. I've always had more than what I've needed and all that I have wanted." She paused for a moment and continued. "I've never loved a woman." I lowered my gaze. I felt ashamed and still she went on. "That day in the cave the thought of losing you terrified me." I could hear her breathing getting deeper but I could not bear to face her. "And I felt RAGE...RAGE as I've never felt before."
I mustered up the courage and looked up at her. "I don't understand what you are trying to tell me Charlie." I shook my head in frustration and asked her. "What are you trying to say, that you don't love me anymore?" I was about to break into tears.
"You idiot," she said, walked to me and pulled me into her arms. She held me tight and said "You fool, I'm trying to tell you how much I do love you and I'm doing a terrible job."
I cried hard and she held me tight. And we both laughed afterward. Things went back to the way it had been before. I loved her. And I believed her when she said that she had loved no one before me. It made me glad and also very sad that there had been no one person there for her in her life. I could not imagine existing in a golden cage. And this endeared her ever so much more to my heart. I wanted to love her for all those that had not. I wanted to make her feel the most important person in someone's life, mine. I wanted to show her all the tenderness that she had never had. I succeeded. One day those who stood between us would feel her wrath. I gave myself to her on the island. And she took me as her own. Loving Charlie was easy then. I thought I knew her. She was nothing of what people thought of her.
I remembered the talk over the dinner table a lifetime ago on the ship. They had described her as someone hard and cold, unmoveable and unshakable with a streak of cruelty that could frighten you. She took what she wanted without impunity; that's what they had thought of her. They didn't know her. They didn't know her as I knew her. She was my Charlie, soft, loving and needing. She needed so much to be loved. She was tender and clever. And I could imagine her as a child, soft and delicately sad. Needing so much to be loved and feeling lonely. I saw her as a sad and lovely child and imagining her like this made me love her all the more. She needed me and I needed to feel wanted. I asked her to tell me about when she was growing up, but she never really wanted to speak about her past much. Knowing the real Charlie, like perfection, was a moving target.
One day I got upset with her. "You never want to tell me anything about yourself." I stormed.
She got mad very quickly "I've told you everything about me. What the fuck do you want from me?" She was furious.
I just stared at her in surprise. She had her back to me and went on. "Stop interrogating me. You won't know anything I don't want you to."
A few moments of silence passed between us. I couldn't understand her reaction and her words had hurt me. This is the part of Charlie that I grew to hate. She would feel uncomfortable about something without explaining or asking about it she would blow up. Of course, she was always sorry afterwards. She would beg me to forgive her. And of course I would and we would make love for the rest of the day.
Today would be no different. I didn't say anything else to her and walked away. She caught up with me and blocked my retreat. She was still mad. "Why do you want to know so much? Why won't you leave well enough alone?" She yelled.
She grabbed me and started to shake me in frustration. "Let go of me," I exclaimed and I pushed her away from me and proceeded to walk away. She grabbed me and pulled me to her. She started to savagely kiss my mouth. Her kisses were a struggle for power. "Don't...not like this," I gasped.
In our struggle we fell to the ground. "No Charlie not like this. I don't want it like this," I pleaded.
Her hands were roughly traveling through my body. "I want to make love to you," she growled and proceeded to kiss me even harder. My lower lip started to bleed. I think when she noticed the blood it shocked her that she had hurt me. She released me and I turned my back to her.
"That isn't making love, Charlie," I whispered. She said nothing. The apology did not come. I could feel her breath getting heavy as it did when she was excited. I turned towards her. "All I want to do is love you," I said. She inhaled deeply.
Her breathing was getting heavier and her eyes were becoming smoky with passion. "Nothing that came before you matters to me. You are what will always matter. What I'll never give up." And she covered my lips with her mouth. Her kisses were passionate but tender at the same time. She licked the blood off my mouth and said. "Your blood is in me. You'll be inside me forever." Her kisses were as they had never been before. We rolled naked on the sand. Loving Charlie had become the reason why I existed.
Somewhere along the way, our relationship had changed. Ever since we had to hide in the cave she had taken over. She was stronger, and yes at times she could be cruel. But I never doubted her love for me. And there came a point that her passion for me frustrated her.
Loving Charlie was like riding a roller coaster; the fear was as exciting as the anticipation. Our lovemaking had become tumultuous and at times brought about by an aggressive passion inside her that she could not control. That's how David first saw us. Rolling in the water, both nude making love on the beach. I was on top of her, kissing her, savoring her lips while my hand was cupping her breast. That's how I noticed David walking towards us on the beach.
I jumped up in shock and fear. I just stared in muted silence. Charlie got up too but she didn't seem frightened at all. What he must have thought. What we must have looked like, with swollen lips. A tell tale sign of our lovemaking.
He kept walking towards us with a half smile on his face. Charlie stood there staring back. I kept looking from her to him in confusion. The outside world had come back for us. She was ready to meet it. I was not. We were going home.
I wasn't prepared for the looks and the curiosity or about the unspoken understanding of my relationship with Charlie. I was uncomfortable, silent, and I could not look at David in the eye. None of this escaped Charlie's eyes.
David had been sailing and had decided to explore some of the smaller islands off the beaten path. He offered to take us back with him once he knew we had been marooned on the island. He and Charlie discussed the details and in view of his being there we had put on the remnants of what once upon a time had been our clothes. He was very kind and offered to give us some of his own and asked us to come with him to show us were the boat was.
I had still not spoken a word to him. I think he figured out why I was acting so strangely and made an effort for some reason to start up a conversation. And I must confess it was not easy. I just asked him one thing. "When can you take us back?" I was looking at him anxiously.
He smiled understanding and replied promptly. "We can leave in a few hours if you like."
I smiled and looked at Charlie. "We are going home Charlie. We're really going home."
There was nothing to pack, but we went back to the shelter anyway to see if there was something we might want to take with us. David would wait for us on the boat, getting it ready to leave.
We walked back in silence. So many things rushed through my head. I would see my children. I would hold them in my arms again. I smiled to myself. I would get a big scoop of chocolate ice cream. I wanted a slice of pizza with extra cheese and a diet coke. And out of nowhere Mark invaded my thoughts. I stopped in mid stride and faced Charlie.
She looked back at me and said "Yes I know," she started tenderly caressing my face. "You're mine now and no one else's. I won't give you up," her eyes had that look of wildness like that night at the cave. "I'll be patient. You love me. You know you do," she said and as she spoke her hand did not stop caressing my face while her other arm pulled me closer to her. "You're in my blood, remember? You need this as much as I do," and she pulled me to her and kissed me softly and slowly. She was right I did need her. Ten hours later we reached the island nearest to us.
We contacted the local authorities upon our arrival. David was so kind. He checked us into a hotel and immediately after that Charlie got on the phone. Within less then two hours she had managed to transfer money to a nearby bank. The next day her identity would be verified by fingerprint and she would again have full access to all of her money.
I just sat out in the balcony looking out onto the ocean. Our identities had been verified and inquiries were being made about Captain Burton and his ship. We apparently had been way off course according to the sail plan that he had filed on our departure. He had been drunk. That could have accounted for our being off course. More likely than not that had been the reason. Captain Burton and his ship had not been found. He was as we had been presumed lost at sea. We would now have to notify our loved ones that we were alive. It had been two years. Not a lifetime but it felt as if it was. Everything had changed. I had changed. Knowing Charlie had changed everything. That was the only thing going through my mind sitting out there on that balcony.
The island had a small airport. There were no planes flying out until that Thursday and the day we got there was Monday. Things like days of the week that people took for granted. Out there on the island we weren't even sure we knew what day of the week it was; we just counted. Charlie came out to me.
"I've arranged for the store to stay open for us downstairs. Let's go shopping. And tomorrow we are moving to another hotel." she said. "David wanted to join us for dinner but I told him that perhaps tomorrow," she paused to look at me. She was so excited. "After we finish shopping perhaps we can go for a walk," she paused, not giving me a chance to answer, she continued. "Or perhaps we could go to a nightclub. What would you like to do?" She was looking at me with that expression that was her own now; betraying nothing of how she felt.
"Charlie, I have to call Mark," I said. By her reaction I knew it was exactly what she didn't want to hear. She turned her back to me so I could not see her face or her reaction. "Charlie, I have to let my parents know I'm alive. Please try to understand, please. I have to deal with this Charlie," I said to her.
She didn't say a word. I got up and went to stand behind her. I leaned against her and pulled her back towards me with my embrace. We both looked out at the ocean and not at one another. I felt the tenseness of her body although she did not pull away from me. I though I had grown to know Charlie. She was just concerned where we were heading. She loved me. She didn't want to loose me. I told myself all these things. This was so unfair to her. We had a life together. We were lovers. I had no doubts that she loved me. Just as I knew that it had all been born out of my need for her. I was responsible for this. She had never approached me. She had not changed the rules of our relationship. I had. I was the one that had come on to her. I was the one that had probably pushed her into being my lover. I was full of guilt. And now I was the one causing her this pain.
"I know you're upset about Mark. I don't know how to handle this Charlie. I love you. I don't want to hurt you." I took a deep breath. "I can't even conceive of being without you for one moment." I felt her leaning back into me and caressing my hand in front of her. "Be patient Charlie, please don't be hurt." I kissed her neck and she turned in my arms. Her lips met mine.
I decided to call Mark in the morning. Charlie wanted me to contact him when
we arrived in the states. She argued that there was nothing that could be done
until Thursday anyway. A doctor was flying in to give us a complete check up.
And besides, why frustrate the children into having to wait four whole days.
And this would give us the time we needed to make some kind of arrangements
to do with us. She pleaded and I felt I owed her at least that. I agreed and
her face was radiant. I'd made her happy and she was right there was nothing
that could be done until Thursday.
She dragged me down to the hotel shop. I had never in my life seen anyone spend so much money in one hour. She bought out the store. She had gotten us every stitch of clothing that she thought appropriate. Her taste I had to admit was impeccable. But after awhile I got tired.
"Charlie, we don't need any more clothes. We couldn't possibly wear all this in a year." She looked at me. I could see that she was disappointed.
"I want to give you everything." She said looking very intense. "We can live anywhere you want. We can buy anything you want. I can give you anything you need."
My God, my poor Charlie, I thought to myself. This is the way it had probably been her whole life. I brushed her lips with mine, there in the hotel shop. The woman that had been helping us was coming out of the storage room with more dresses and stopped flat on her tracks. Charlie saw her too. This moment for some reason I realized was very important to her. I could see it in her eyes. So, instead of pushing her away I pulled her into my arms slowly and kissed her passionately. The shopping attendant disappeared.
"I don't want anything Charlie. All I want is you." I was rewarded with a radiant smile.
"I'm going to charge this to our room and have them deliver all these things upstairs. Why don't you go up?" She smiled and continued. "Go on, I know you're dying to get in the Jacuzzi. I saw your face, remember?" She was right, a real Jacuzzi sounded wonderful.
"Okay, I'll meet you upstairs." I headed for the elevator. As I was waiting for the elevator I could see Charlie, she was having a heated conversation with the salesgirl in the store. I saw her hand over what seemed like a lot of money. The elevator doors opened and I got in. I had probably misunderstood what I saw she had said that she was charging everything. For some reason it had seemed odd. I put the incident out of my mind and proceeded to thinking about the Jacuzzi waiting upstairs.
I had forgotten how wonderful a real bath in a real tub felt. The hot water and the jets made the water a hot relaxing whirlpool. I laid my head back on the rim and just enjoyed the sensation. I lost track of time; my muscles relaxed. I felt like I was melting, floating away into a soothing darkness. I was swimming. I was swimming underwater in the island with Charlie. The water was dark and I was loosing my breath. I kicked and kicked but I couldn't reach the top; God I couldn't breathe. All of a sudden Charlie was above me and pulled me out.
"Laura......Laura, my God.....Laura can you hear me?" She was in the bathtub with me, shaking me hard. "You could have drowned. My God." She held me close to her. She was holding me tightly to her, rocking me back and forth. "You could have drowned." She kept repeating over and over while she kept rocking me like a child and stroking my hair. The cobwebs in my head started to clear. I was still in the tub and Charlie was fully clothed in it with me. Holding me tightly still. She then let go of me a little and started patting my face. She helped me out of the bathtub and wrapped me in a toweled robe. I realized I must have fallen asleep in the tub.
She helped me into the bedroom. I was seating on the bed and all of a sudden she was really mad. She started ranting and raving. "What the hell do you think you were doing? Trying to kill yourself?" She paused. "If I hadn't come up when I did you would be dead by now." I didn't have the strength to answer her. I just kept looking up at her. She was still angry but I knew it was because she was really scared. I reached out for her
"I'm sorry sweetheart, I'm so sorry." She flew into my arms and wept. I whispered to her. "I'm sorry baby, I'm sorry." Charlie took off her wet clothes and we laid down together on the bed hanging on to one another and fell asleep. That was our first night back into the real world again.
The light coming through the window woke me up. Charlie was awake already holding her head with her hand propped up on her elbow. She was just looking at me with that expression of hers. She just kept staring. "How long have you been awake?" I asked her. She gave me one of her half smiles. Her eyes searched my face and ended in my eyes.
"I've been looking at you sleep," she said as she traced my nose and then my lips with her finger. "I wanted to engrave every part of you in my mind." And as she said this her hand reached into my robe and her hand cupped my breast. "You're so warm," she whispered sensually. She didn't say anything else after that for a moment. And then she asked the question that had probably been haunting her since we had left the island.
"Will you stay with me?" I knew what she was asking, but I couldn't answer a question I didn't know the answer to. She closed her eyes and a tear rolled down her cheek. She was looking at me now, waiting for me to say something. I had to decide.
And at that moment I did. "I'm calling Mark today and I'm going to ask him to meet me in Miami on Thursday." She didn't say a word so I continued. "I'm going to work things out with him and the children, and then Charlie when I sort all those things out, then I'll come back to you." Her eyes went blank and I felt I had seen a wall rise between us.
She got out of bed and went to stand near the door leading out into the balcony. "I've never lied to you Charlie," I said. "I love you more than I ever thought possible. I want to spend the rest of my life just loving you. But the reality of it is, I had a life before we met. A life that I have to deal with." Still she did not answer. "I have to settle the situation with my children," no comment still from her. "You said you would wait for me," then she turned around to face me.
"I want to believe you. I want to believe you so much." There were tears rolling down her face. I held my hand out to her and she took it. She sat down next to me.
"You and I will always have each other Charlie. I promise you," she looked away from me and I turned her face towards me again. And I emphasized to her. "I love you Charlotte Catherine Von Steiben, and I always will." Somehow, I would work everything out. I was the strong one between us, I told myself. How naive. How naive I was then.
Charlie's doctor was Charles Arthur Schaefer. He had flown in a moment's notice. She didn't seem surprised. She was used to getting her way. We were waiting for him in the local infirmary when he walked in and saw Charlie; he was visibly moved. He walked over to her and was about to embrace her when she turned and walked towards me. She stood next to me and said, "give her the tests first." She looked angry, for some reason I didn't understand. He just stood there staring at her. "Didn't you hear me? I want to make sure she's all right, I can wait until you're done. Give her the tests first." She finished insisting and all of a sudden he looked at me.
I was now in the room to him. It seemed as if he suddenly realized that I was there. He looked back at her then at me again. He picked up his bag and started examining me. He ran the necessary tests and everything considered we were in very good health except for a touch of dehydration he said. We were supposed to check in with him again once we were back in New York to make sure that all was well and perhaps take a few more tests just to play it safe. I left Charlie talking to Dr. Schaefer. I would meet her back at the hotel.
From the beginning there had been tension between them. With Charlie, I had learned it was better sometimes just to walk away. I found the walk back to the hotel incredibly pleasant. It felt odd to be walking down streets, the noise of traffic and the people. There were people everywhere. We had been alone for so long. I had gotten used to the quite tranquillity of the island. I was bombarded with smells, noises and a world I felt no longer a part of. How would it see me now? Could I ever be a part of it again?
I called Mark that afternoon. I had forgotten how I used to love hearing his voice until I heard it again. He was crying and I tried to console him. He told me a little about the children and that he would tell them right away. He would meet me in Miami and we would fly home together. We had talked and talked. I had missed him I realized suddenly. We had met in high school, gone to the same college, gotten married and had two children. How could I have forgotten all that? I had loved him once. He was all I had ever wanted at one time.
But there was Charlie. I couldn't give up Charlie. As I hung up the phone and looked up I saw her and she asked. "Have you changed your mind?" And I answered her perhaps a bit too quickly.
"No...no." I walked over to her and smiled as I took her in my arms. "Let's go for a walk on the beach," I said. She smiled and we went for a stroll.
The next two days we went sightseeing, and explored the island. We would stroll on the beach like we use to do in the island and we'd make love all night. On Wednesday, we had lunch with David. He lived in New York and had been here for a few weeks sailing the Caribbean he told us; we agreed we'd get together when we were all in New York. David was genuinely a nice guy. I liked him, and so did Charlie. He gave us his address and we promised we'd call him once we were in New York. He was sailing to a nearby island in the afternoon so we said our good-byes after lunch.
That night, we went for our usual stroll on the beach. We had spent such a wonderful day. We walked in silence not having to say a word, we stopped and just looked out into the ocean. Charlie stood behind me and pulled me towards her and enclosed me in her embrace. We both looked out there. Out there were we had met. Out there we had been happy.
"I wanted to give you something, here, next to the water," and I turned to look at her. She took a box out of her pocket. She opened it and inside were two rings. They were identical. The design was that of a rose made of diamonds and light pink amethysts.
My eyes met hers. She took one of the rings and placed it in my finger and gave me the other to put on hers. "I wanted something to connect me to you while you're away from me. When I think that I can't stand it anymore, being away from you, I'll look down on my ring and think that you are looking at yours at that same moment, and it will make missing you more bearable." I was overwhelmed with such tenderness for her. "Don't be too long Laura. I will miss you every moment," she added.
I looked down at the ring in my hand and I looked into her eyes and said. "I won't miss you because I'll have you with me. You're in my heart Charlie," I said. We walked back to our hotel.
We arrived in Miami the next day at 5:oo pm. As the passengers were starting to get off the plane Charlie reached out for my hand and I gave her a light squeeze to reassure her. I leaned over and kissed her on the cheek close to her mouth and we both started walking towards the exit doors.
As soon the exit doors opened I saw Mark. Ours eyes met and we stood frozen in place for a moment then he rushed to me and took me in his arms. He was crying as he was holding me tight. He pushed me a little away from him to look at me as tears were rolling down his cheeks. He started to laugh; picked me up and whirled me around in glee. He put me down and proceeded to kiss me passionately. He released me and held my face with both hands.
For a moment he just looked and then said, "you're so beautiful. More beautiful than I remember if that's possible." He took me in his arms once more; and whispered in my ear, "I have been incomplete without you," and he kissed me again.
I felt his lips and I remembered when he would kiss me and how it made me feel. He was looking into my eyes again and like the cobra his eyes were pulling me in. Into memories and a life we had shared and then I saw the reflection of Charlie behind me from a pane of glass. And I gradually pulled away from him.
"We have a lot to talk about Mark. My children?" I asked.
"I've brought you pictures and there is a lot to talk about you're right," he continued. "A lot has changed but not my feelings for you," and he stretched me in his arms again; and he repeated. "Not my love for you. Never my love for you! Oh God, Laura how I've missed you."
I could see Charlie talking to two men from the glass and now she was walking quickly towards us. I had to control this. I pulled away from Mark, gave him a smile, and turned around and spoke before she reached us. "Mark, this is Charlotte Von Steiben, my friend," and he extended his hand to her in greeting. Charlie took it with a smile, but I knew her. "Mark, if it hadn't been for Charlotte I would have surely died or gone mad."
I put my arm around her waist in a gesture that he would see as friendship but I knew that by being close would pacify Charlie. "I'm so grateful to you Mrs. Von Steiben," he said to her totally ignorant of how explosive the situation we were in was. "Laura is one of a kind and totally irreplaceable," he told her looking lovingly towards me. I felt her arm going possessively around my waist as she said.
"Yes she is Mr. Cole. There will never be another to replace her," she said this with a smile and looking at her you would have seen a beautiful woman with a lovely smile being very charming. But for her eyes. I knew by looking at her eyes at that moment that she would never let me go.
She turned to me and handed me an envelope and said. "Here is where I'll be in Florida, my address in New York and a telephone number that you will always be able to reach me in." She embraced me, kissed my cheek and whispered in my ear before she released me. "I love you! Don't be long."
As she released me I saw her eyes welling up with tears. Without saying another word she turned around and walked away quickly. Oh God, how I wanted to go with her. "You two are going to miss each other a great deal," said Mark as he was watching her walk away. Then he looked back at me and brushed my tears away with his hand. "Don't cry sweetheart. You'll see each other again," he said to me and as he embraced me I could still see Charlie walking away at a distance; with the two men that had met her walking behind her. I closed my eyes and the tears just came.
Mark had made reservations for us to fly to New York the next day. We went to the hotel he was staying in. We had a lot to talk about. Being with him felt familiar but my life with Charlie was there between us.
I walked to the window and was looking out when he came and stood behind me. He pulled me back to him. I felt his hard body pressed against me. It would have been so simple to just give in to this. He was my husband. The man I had loved. But, there was Charlie, there would always be Charlie and I pulled away from him.
"Mark, you said you had pictures of Josh and Ashley may I see them. Please Mark. I can't wait to see how they look now."
He smiled and walked over to his briefcase and removed an envelope. He walked over to me and handed the envelope over to me. I pulled out the photos. And looking back at me were the faces of my children. My God, they had grown so much. I don't know how long I was looking at them, every picture gave me a story. I noticed their hair, what they were doing. There was one picture with a puppy. I looked up at Mark and asked, "What did they call the puppy?"
He smiled and said, "Binky, they called him Binky," and my eyes filled with tears. Mark came over to me and put his arms around me. "They remembered that you wanted to call him Binky," he continued. "Laura, there is so much I have to tell you," he said. And he started telling me all that had happened while I was away. All about the children the puppy and the business. And then he looked very serious and told me about himself. He had mourned me and thought he would never love anyone again. But, he had met a woman that he had liked and the children connected with. She had moved in with them three months before. He then looked into my eyes. "Laura, I still love you! I thought you were lost to me forever." He was waiting for me to speak.
I suppose I should have expected that there would be someone in his life, after all I had Charlie, didn't I? But this woman was living in my house with my children and from what Mark said, they had connected with her. So where did that put me? I looked at him with a question in my expression.
"I love you Laura," he repeated.
And I walked again to the window and while looking out onto the ocean I said. "It's not you and me anymore Mark," I said. He just stood silently and waited for me to speak. "I should have known that you would find someone. I understand, this is an extraordinary thing that has happened. People just don't get marooned on an island and come back two years later," I said with a touch of sarcasm.
"Give me time honey, I'll make it right" he said.
I turned to face him. He looked very distraught. I understood how he felt more than he could imagine. I walked over to him and I put my hands on his chest and I tried to keep faith with Charlie and with him. I should have told him about Charlie then. If I had, perhaps everything would have been different. I failed them both; I played it safe, and I sealed my destiny when I said, "For now I just want to see my children Mark. Everything else time will take care of."
We had agreed to let time show us how to proceed. As to the children, we would take it slow. They had to get used to the idea of having a mother again. The situation had to be handled right for their sake. We decided to go out to dinner instead of eating in.
Right from the beginning I knew Mark felt guilty about Sarah. That was the name of the woman he was living with. He had told her about me and she knew he had come to meet me. This was the Mark I had fallen in love with. He was honorable; he had told me the truth right away and he had also spoken to Sarah. I had always admired this quality about him.
I should have been just as honest with him but I was cowardly. I didn't know how he would handle my relationship with Charlie or how he would react. Would it affect his decision to let me see my children if I were to tell him about her? I wasn't sure. It would have been difficult enough if I were to leave him for another man. But, this was not an ordinary situation. I wasn't sure how Mark would handle learning that his wife had become the lover of another woman. I couldn't risk loosing my children I told myself. They had been so small when I had last seen them. I would almost be a stranger to them now. If he chose to fight me for them he might win. I was caught in a web I didn't know how to get out of.
We had decided that the best thing to do would be for me to gradually become part of the children's life again.
We talked extensively about how to best handle things. I realized I couldn't live under the same roof with Sarah being there in the house. I told him I would stay with Charlie in New York and I would take the children on the weekends. He thought that was more than fair under the circumstances. It was late, so we went back to the hotel.
It felt like the weight of the world was on my shoulders. I got into the shower as soon as we got back to the hotel room. I just stood under the water and let it run down my body. I wanted to let the hot water wash me clean. I felt emotionally unable to take another step. Charlie! I thought. What was she doing? Where was she?
I didn't hear Mark come in. God, how I missed Charlie was all I could think of. I had my eyes closed and I wished she were there with me. When I felt a hand on my shoulder I just turned and met the lips waiting for me. I needed her and wanted her so badly. I met passion but the body and the lips pressed against me made my eyes fly open in shock.
He took me in his arms and his kiss dug deeply. For a moment only my desire seemed to exist. My arms went around his neck and I pressed my body against his. His body was so familiar; I could feel every muscle pressed against me. I needed comfort; I wanted Charlie. I wanted to be held by her.
I opened my eyes again. I realized I couldn't do this so I pushed him away. "No, Mark I'm so confused, I can't," I said as my hands were pushing him away from me.
He lowered his head, then looked back at me and walked out of the shower. I was filled with such desire that I could have found pleasure with him as I had done before. But, he wasn't the one I wanted. I couldn't use him like that.
After a few minutes I walked out of the shower and back into the room. Mark had a robe on and was smoking a cigarette looking out one of the windows. I know he heard me walking in. He had his back turned to me and said, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that."
He stayed staring out the window for a long time and when he turned and looked at me I knew that something was very wrong. He took a deep breath. That's when he told me my father had died.
Daddy died shortly after I had disappeared, of heart failure. My mother had taken my presumed demise very badly and when dad past away she had to be hospitalized for a long while. It had all been too much for her. My mother who had always been so strong had a breakdown. Loosing her only child and her husband had been too much for her.
Mark said it had taken a long time for her to come back to reality. He said that when he first called her with the news she had not believed it. When she finally accepted that her daughter was indeed alive, she broke into tears. She had not wanted to speak to me on the phone. She wanted to see me when I got home. He thought she needed to see me with her own eyes. She could not bear the grief that would follow if it were all a mistake. I was to call her when I was ready, she would be waiting for me.
She was now living in a small house she had shared with my father in Cape May, New Jersey. When they thought me dead, my father had retired and gone to his beloved Cape May to be close to the ocean he had always loved. He had gone to be close to the very sea that had taken his child, he had said.
I started to cry. Mark tried to hold me, but I didn't find any comfort in his arms. I pushed him away from me, crawled into bed and cried myself to sleep that night.
The next day we took the 9am flight out of Miami and arrived in New York in a little over two and half-hours. The drive home seemed to last forever. After what had happened the night before we both played hard at being polite.
My mother had told Mark that she wanted me to go to my children, that she had already had her miracle and that my children needed theirs. I was to call her when I had seen them and she would come to me. I needed to be strong for her and I wasn't. How could I be strong for her when I couldn't even be strong for myself? She would need me and I needed my father. For the first time in my life I realized how much I needed him. He had been there when I took my first step and he had been the one to catch me before every fall of my life. Mother and I had always seen things in a different vane. Daddy had always been there to smooth things out between us. Now we would have to make it work on our own. And, I didn't know if I could.
There were moments that I would catch Mark looking at me and I knew that he was still in love with me. I wish my feelings for him were as clear. I couldn't deny that I had feelings for him after all, we had been happily married once.
He broke the silence. "Your hair is lighter and the tan suits you. You have never been more beautiful," he said.
"Thank you," I answered.
"I always thought you had the most delicious body, but after seeing you last night I must say you are even more desirable now," he finished saying.
"Mark, don't, please."
He looked embarrassed and then sadly said, "I'm sorry about Stuart, Laura. He loved you so much."
We drove in silence until we were about two blocks away from what had been my home two years back. He smiled and looked ahead, then he looked back at me again and said, "I'm going to get you back " and looked ahead again, not saying anything else until we arrived.
He reached for my hand and gave me a smile. "It will be okay Laura." He was being so patient and loving. I remembered how much I had loved him in that moment.
The front door opened and out walked my children. Behind them walked a young woman with black hair. I got out of the car and started to walk over to them. I wanted to take them in my arms and never let go. As I got closer to them Josh ran behind the woman's legs and I froze on the spot. I had frightened him. I looked at Ashley; she didn't run but she seemed confused too.
Mark came behind me placed his arm over my shoulder and walked me closer to them. By the expression on the other woman's face, I could tell she did not like it. This was Sarah.
"Josh, Ashley say hello to mom," Mark said to them. Josh stayed behind Sarah, but Ashley said hello.
"Laura, this is Sarah."
I said hello. I wanted to hold them so much, but I had to take it slow. We went inside the house, into what use to be my living room. There were some changes and new pictures along with the old ones. Pictures of my children, Mark and Sarah.
Sarah went to get us some ice tea and Mark went to help her. The children sat opposite from me on the sofa. I broke the ice. "I've missed you both so much." I continued, "Daddy says you named the puppy Binky to remember me." I looked from one to the other.
Ashley spoke first. "We named him for mommy," she said.
"I'm mommy," I replied.
"Why did you go away?" asked Josh.
"I didn't want to. I was in an accident and I couldn't get back until now." They thought I had abandoned them. "I love you both so much, all I wanted to do was come back to you, and it made me very sad that I couldn't, but we're together now," I said.
"Will you live here now?" asked Ashley.
I wanted to say yes; I wanted to sleep under the same roof with them, make them breakfast, put them on the school bus. Tears started rolling down my face.
"Don't cry mommy," said Ashley and she ran into my arms.
"Oh baby, my baby!" I held her close to me. I never wanted to let her go again. All the tears that had been welling up inside me just came. Josh just stared.
At that moment Mark and Sarah walked in and just stood in the doorway. Josh started walking slowly towards me. I had to be patient, he would have to go at his own speed. I put my hand out to him and he placed his small one in mine.
We spent the rest of the afternoon talking. They wanted to know all about the island. How had I lived? What did I eat? We played games and we went for a walk just the three of us. Mark stayed behind with Sarah. We made plans as to what we would do for the weekend when they would go to visit me.
"Now that you are back will Sarah have to go away?" asked Josh. He was not happy about the idea of losing Sarah. Ashley didn't say anything but she was listening too.
"No, my coming back means that you have a mommy to love you now too."
We walked back to the house to have dinner. I offered to help Sarah with dinner and she accepted. We were alone. "I love Mark. I'll fight you for him," she said to me in complete honesty.
I looked back at her and said the only thing I could say. "I want to get to know my children again. They seem to love you. I have no reason to hate you Sarah."
She took a deep breath and started to cry. "I love him so much." She continued, "I see the way he looks at you. I know how much he loved you, and now I..."
I walked over to her. "All I want Sarah is to get to know my children again. That's all I want."
She looked at me with tear filled eyes and nodded.
After dinner the children and I played Monopoly and at bedtime, after two years, I got to tuck them into bed and kissed them goodnight.
I remembered the envelope that Charlie had given me and pulled it out of my pocket. I opened the envelope and found, along with the addresses and the phone numbers, twenty, one hundred-dollar bills. I was surprised with the money but glad for it. I wouldn't have to ask Mark for any money to get back to Manhattan.
I went downstairs. Mark and Sarah were having coffee. It was time for me to go. Mark offered to drive me and I accepted the ride, but only to the train station. I would take the train into the city.
Mark suggested I stay, but under the circumstances that was out of the question. Besides I had so much to take in. I had to get in touch with mother too. At this moment she needed me. She like me would probably want to take her child into her arms.
I would take a cab from the station to a hotel and I would go to the address that Charlie had given me in the morning. If she wasn't back from Florida I would try and reach her at the number she had given me and we would make plans.
Mark helped me onto the train, held me close to him, and kissed me good-bye.
It was late when I checked into a hotel. As soon as I got up to the hotel room I called mom. She kept crying on the phone. She wanted me to stay close to the children because she knew I would need them now more than ever. Her thoughtfulness touched me more than I could say. This was the closest I had ever felt to her. She wanted to do what she thought I needed instead of her need for me. She would come to me. She would close the house and be with me in a few days. We had all the time in the world now. She said daddy had never stopped hoping. He would look out to see where the ocean and the sky became one and he would say that I was there.
I tried sleeping after talking to mother. That was impossible. My children, I couldn't stop thinking of my children. My father was dead! The tears just came.
I got up late. I had cried most of the night and then stayed up the remainder of it thinking about all the plans I had made with the children. I ordered breakfast from room service, showered and dressed.
I tried calling Charlie but was unable to reach her in Florida so I just decided to take a change and go the address she had given me. I called a cab and headed out. The cab took me to Trump Towers.
I walked into the lobby and the place was breathtaking. It was a building encased in gold, filled with glass and hanging chandeliers. I went to the front desk. I said I wanted to see Charlotte Von Steiben.
As soon as I said that, the clerk's head immediately looked up. "Your name please?" the young man asked.
"I'm Laura Cole."
He gave me a big grin. "Yes Miss Cole, we have been expecting you. I'll take you up personally." He called someone over and promptly took me up. "Miss Von Steiben left a key and said that the moment you arrived we were to take you upstairs personally."
The elevator stopped on our floor, he put a key into the side panel and the doors opened. He then gave me the key and left. I stepped into Charlie's world.
I had never seen such a beautiful room. I walked in slowly and I called out for Charlie, but there was no one home. I would wait for her, I said to myself. I needed to see her. I needed her to hold me and fill the hollow ache I felt so deep inside me.
After waiting a long while I decided to look around the apartment. The so-called apartment consisted of two full floors. It was a house within a building. Everything in it was exquisite. Room upon room of beautiful furniture and priceless paintings. Somehow it was all Charlie. Every room had her mark.
After satisfying my curiosity I walked back to the living room and waited for Charlie to come home again. It seemed like I waited forever.
I called the children after school and spoke to them about how their day had been. I told them that I loved them and that I would see them on the weekend.
It was getting late. It felt odd being alone in an empty apartment. Suddenly, I felt the walls closing in on me. I needed air. I went for a walk and decided to go back to my hotel. I would call Charlie later. I had no anchor; I had to keep moving.
Once I got there, I spoke with mom again to make sure that she was really okay. I felt tired. I laid down for awhile and fell asleep.
I woke up around ten that evening. I had slept so much. If Charlie had gotten back and knew I had been there and left, she would be upset. I wanted to see her.
I picked up the phone to call her but then just decided to head out instead. I took another cab back to Trump Towers. I still had the key so I went straight up. When the elevator doors opened I was met with chaos. What had happened?
Everywhere that you looked everything was broken or tossed on the floor. The room that earlier that day I had found so beautiful was now in shambles. Dear God, where was Charlie?
I walked further into the room and looked around. That's when I saw her leaning against a corner of the room.
Staring at me, she took a drink out of the glass in her hand and then threw it into the fireplace near the wall. She then threw a bottle and you could smell Vodka all over the place. She was drunk. Her eyes told me she was angry too. She walked towards me very slowly, like a predator going in for its kill.
That was the first time I felt afraid of her and I took a step back. She noticed immediately and caught up with me. Holding me by the arms, she backed me up to the wall. I just stared. Roughly, she pushed me up against the wall and her face was close to mine. Her eyes were blank. I could feel her breath on my face. I went to touch her face and she quickly took my hands and pinned them up against the wall above me. She was frightening me. Her lips brushed mine.
At that moment I don't know who was more out of their mind. I needed her. I needed so much to feel close to her. That's when I said, "Love me Charlie," and she started teasing me, rubbing her body up and down mine. She released my hands and tore open my jacket. I heard the buttons hit the floor. Her eyes didn't leave mine for a second. Tearing open my bra, she started stroking my breasts.
"Charlie..." She silenced me with her mouth. While her left hand stroked my breast, her right went down to my leg and pulled up my skirt. After a moment she found the place she was seeking and a moan escaped my lips. We slid down to the floor and we let the hunger guide us. We later slept in front of the fireplace with cushions for pillows.
She woke me with a kiss. "If you hadn't come back I would have gone mad," she said to me.
I caressed her face. "What happened here Charlie?"
She looked around. "I was angry," she simply said, her eyes now tenderly looking at me. "I thought you weren't coming."
I kissed her. Charlie could be so aggressive one moment and so gentle the next. She started caressing my face. "You have circles under your eyes," she said.
I looked away. She took my chin and turned my face towards her gently.
"What is it?" She asked.
My eyes filled with tears. I told her about my father and she held me tightly. I cried in her arms and I found comfort there. Her words were warm and tender. She held me for a long time rocking me gently. I felt like a small child after being told that their loving parent had died. She took care of me. I had fallen and Charlie was there to catch me.
Later, she prepared a bath for me filling the tub with bath oils. We went in together. She bathed me and lovingly wrapped me in a warm robe. I had never felt so cherished.
We sat in front of the fireplace again and in her arms I slept and found some peace. I never said anything to her about how I had found her or how she had started to make love to me.
It was around one o'clock in the afternoon when we went out to lunch. She made some phone calls and said someone would come and deal with the mess. I borrowed some of her clothes and we went to Le Cirque for lunch.
Le Cirque was a statement of international wealth and notoriety. Lunch was wonderful. I told her all about Josh and Ashley and that I would spend the weekend with them. Immediately, Charlie said she would have special rooms made for them.
"Charlie, when they are with me I...we must be careful."
She looked at me very seriously and said, "We'll have a room just for you when they are here."
I didn't want to hurt her but this was very important. "Nothing must endanger your relationship with them. I'll help you," she said, her hand reaching for mine.
I also told her about mother and her plans to come and be with me. We would work everything out, were her words. She would make sure that it would all work out.
We decided to walk back instead of taking a cab. We strolled and window-shopped. When we got to the Tower, as I referred to it, and the elevator doors opened I couldn't believe what I saw. Everything was as if nothing had happened. The furniture, the paintings... I just stared and looked at Charlie. She had walked up to a small table near us and was eyeing the mail. She wasn't surprised at all.
"Charlie, look...look how?"
She looked around and smiled. "The only thing I can't buy is you," she said and went back to looking at the mail. This was normal to Charlie. I found that thought disturbing.
"Charlie..." I tried to say something in reference to her actions but I wasn't sure exactly how to explain it to someone that was obviously used to this.
She was looking at me again. "You should see your face. What are you trying to tell me?" She asked with a smile.
"Charlie, you just can't do this when you don't get what you want, exactly when you want it." I said. She didn't answer so I just continued. "You act as if this type of behavior is normal and it's not."
She just stared and made no comment. This was the moment to talk to her about the pain I knew she carried inside her. I had to make her understand that love didn't always hurt. "You have to take a chance sweetheart. Take a chance Charlie, trust me!"
Her eyes softened but she remained quite so I continued. "No more tantrums, okay? I want to love you. I know you love me." I walked over to her.
"I have a surprise for you," she said and walked to a closet and pulled out a huge box.
She called me over to the sofa and I started to open it. It was a sable coat. I pulled it out of the box in silent astonishment. It was the most beautiful coat I had ever seen. I carefully put it back in the box. I sat down next to her and took her hands into mine. By the expression on her face I knew this was not the reaction she had expected.
"Charlie, no more gifts. No more clothes. All I want is you. I love you! You don't have to do this." I finished saying.
She got up and turned her back to me, her arms around herself. "I don't know how to act in this situation Laura. I've never been in love before."
I went to her and took her into my arms and said. "Just love me, Charlie. Just love me."
Later that night I called my children. I wanted to start an ongoing relationship with them again by making contact with them everyday. I told them I would pick them up in the morning and we would do a lot of special things. I also told them I missed them and that I loved them.
After speaking with them, Mark got on the phone. We agreed on a time that I could pick up the children and when I would bring them back. He wanted to meet me during the week. We had a lot to discuss he said, and I agreed that we did. There was a moment of silence on the phone. He said goodnight and that was the end of our conversation. I had agreed to meet him in his office, or what had been our office, Wednesday of the following week. I wanted my children and I didn't know what Mark's plans were. This was something that we'd have to work out.
I was sitting in the living room staring out into the city when Charlie came in from the library.
"I just got off the phone with the designer that I often use. Everything will be ready by the time you come back tomorrow with the children," she said.
I smiled and walking over to her. "You didn't have to do that Charlie, but I'm really touched that you did." I leaned over and kissed her lightly on the lips and then I walked over to the window again.
She followed me. Leaning on the windowsill, she looked at me. "What's wrong?"
I couldn't really put into words what I was feeling. I knew Mark well enough to know that he meant what he said. He would fight for me. If he were to find out about Charlie and me, I would never have access to the children. I was beginning to think and as things stood now, they wouldn't even care, not yet anyway.
"Mark wants me back," I said simply. "We are meeting on Wednesday to discuss the children. I must be careful Charlie. I know him. If he were to suspect about us he would make it impossible for me to get my children."
She took me in her arms. "That will never happen, I promise you." She kissed my temple and held me close. "I promise you, you won't lose them," she said it with such conviction that I believed her. I wanted to believe her.
We agreed that I would go and pick up Ashley and Josh on my own. A chauffeured Rolls Royce drove me there. Sarah asked me in and offered me coffee. I refused. She was being polite and I didn't see the point in making things worse between us. I must admit now to my shame that at the time I also thought that if Sarah had little contact with me and she didn't consider me a threat she would help my cause without even realizing it. Perhaps she would help me with Mark. She might help convince him to share custody of the children with me. That way she, and especially Mark, would see less of me. And of course she would have more of him. Mark was not there that morning. An unexpected early business meeting had called him away.
The children loved riding in the car. They found every gadget in it fascinating. We went to the Bronx Zoo, had lunch in a wonderful little Italian restaurant and went to the movies. There was a new sci-fi film that they were dying to go see.
It had been a perfect day. We headed for the Tower and when we got there, they were in awe of the place as I had been. When we got off the elevator they walked in slowly, staring at everything.
All of a sudden, Charlie walked in. She rushed in like a summer breeze. Immediately her enthusiasm won them over. They liked her. She never ceased to amaze me. She talked to them so easily. She walked us all to their rooms.
Josh walked into what seemed like a barn. It was amazing. The bed was made of logs and the murals on the walls were incredible with horses and streams. He had the latest video games. There was a TV, a CD system and a model of a train station with trains, towns and small lights. Smoke even came out of the engine. It was incredible and he was ecstatic.
Ashley's room was like walking into a fairy tale kingdom. The walls were delicately painted in pastels with castles and knights on horseback painted on them. The bed was carved to look like a swan. Lace and silk were to be my daughter's sheets. The most beautiful dolls I have ever seen were everywhere. And on the far corner was a white baby grand piano. Ashley was speechless.
Charlie and I walked back to the living room together. The children stayed exploring the wonders of their rooms.
"How did you manage to do this in one day?" I asked in sheer astonishment.
"Because I wanted to. Because I knew it would make you happy." Then she continued, "And well, are you happy?" I didn't have to say anything she knew I was happy.
I prepared the kids' baths, helped them with their pajamas, gave them warm milk and put them to bed. That day, I can now honestly say, I was completely and truly really happy.
My room and Charlie's room were connected by a door. I was changing when she through that door. She walked to the door that led to the hallway and locked it. "I wanted to kiss you goodnight, without any surprises," she said and I kissed her.
Our kisses always resulted in combustible passion. One kiss was never enough for Charlie and I needed her so much then. Her mouth found its way down my neck and her hands knew just how to touch me. Within a few moments, my negligee was hanging from my waist. My breasts were completely exposed and my body was surrendering to pleasure. We were interrupted by a knock on the door.
"Mommy? Mommy?" It was Josh.
The realization of what I was doing was like a bucket of cold water at that moment. I quickly covered my nakedness and shame was written all over my face. "I'm coming sweetheart." I looked at Charlie at which time she turned around and walked out of my bedroom and into hers. I rushed to the door and let Josh in. "What is it sweetheart?" I asked.
He looked a little embarrassed but finally said, "Can you stay with me a little till I fall asleep?" I smiled and walked with him back to his room. I laid down next to my child and he fell asleep in my arms that night.
About an hour later I went back to my room after checking in on Ashley. She was sound asleep. I went to bed and I laid there looking at the ceiling, making plans of things I would do with them. I would let nothing stand between my having them with me. I couldn't bear to lose them, not again. I couldn't loose them too.
While I was deep in these thoughts I heard the connecting door between Charlie's room and mine open. Charlie came to me and found me with my eyes closed. She stood close to my bed for awhile and then just as quickly walked out of my room and into hers. When she left I looked at the closed door behind her. I felt myself spinning out of control and I was afraid. When you are afraid, the road is no longer clear.
We all had breakfast together and planned to go explore some of the city. It was incredible to me how things looked through the eyes of those two precious little people. Everything seemed so wonderful to them. The park, the streets and just sitting on a bench feeding the pigeons seemed so important.
We spent a wonderful day and had already planned what we would do the following weekend. But, as the late afternoon arrived, I started feeling melancholy. Soon I would have to take them back. It would be days before I could see them again. Charlie took my hand and squeezed it in understanding. She invited us all to this place that according to her made the best ice cream in the world. Later that night, we drove the children home.
The ride back to Manhattan took place in silence. We arrived back around 9pm. When the elevator door to our floor opened, I walked in and immediately saw my mother standing there in the middle of the room. She held her open arms out to me and I ran into her embrace. "Mom! Oh, mom!" And that was all I could say.
Charlie had spoken to her when she had called before, when I was with the children, and it was Charlie who had given her the address and invited her to stay as well. We talked for hours. She looked so frail. She didn't look so tough now. Her eyes said the things she would not allow herself to say. My mother looked old. She asked what my plans were. She knew about Mark and Sarah.
I told her I was supposed to see him in a few days and that we would try to make more permanent arrangements. "
You and Mark were always so in love," she said reminiscently. "I know he still loves you," she added.
Charlie was sitting on a stool having a drink in the bar on one side of the room. She kept looking into her glass but I knew she was listening to every word.
"Mom, I--" she interrupted me.
"Sarah is nice enough, but you are still his wife and the children should be with both of you." I remained silent. "There is nothing more important than a father and a mother to a child," she finished saying.
"But mother, things are different now?" I could not finish the sentence.
"Yes I know, Sarah. But he loves you! " She said.
"But I don't love him!" I got up and walked to the window. I felt Charlie's eyes on me. I knew she was waiting, and I could almost see her unreadable expression burning holes on my back, waiting to hear what I would say or not say.
Mother was standing next to me, also silent. She looked at me and started to speak very gently. "Mark was lost in grief. The children kept him going. When he met Sarah, I didn't judge him. He was lonely. When he brought her to meet me one weekend with the children he said to me that he loved her as much as he was capable but that you would always be in his heart."
I closed my eyes and tears rolled down my cheek. "Don't cry Laura, I know he still loves you." She didn't understand. She wouldn't understand. And I didn't tell her. I felt when Charlie walked out of the room. She did not come to my bed that night and I did not look for her. When I woke up, I found a note on the pillow next to mine. It simply said -- I'll see you for dinner. C.
Mother and I had breakfast together. We spoke about dad and his passing away. She wanted me to come and stay with her until I decided what I'd do. "I'm going to be here with Charlie for now." I couldn't look at her in the eye. "I'm closer to the children here mom," I said to her. I knew she wanted to have me close.
"Will you come and spend some time with me?" she asked.
I hugged her and said. "Of course mom, I want to be with you too. I?I just have to settle this thing with Mark, and of course there's Charlie--"
"What about Charlie?" She interrupted. "I'm sure she understands that you have to put your life back together again."
I got up and tried to explain away what had escaped my lips. "She has problems too mom. We were together for what seemed like a lifetime, dependent on each other for our own sanity sometimes." I continued. Somehow I had to make her understand without her really understanding. "I just can't walk away like that and neither can she. We depend on each other because no one understands what it was like. We were alone mom, all we had was each other."
"Well you're not alone anymore," she tried to comfort me. "You have people who need and love you, and we are never going to let you go. We are not going to lose you again, not ever!" She took me in her arms and cried.
Charlie did not come home for dinner. It wasn't like her just to go off like that. I was the one who seemed to be perfecting that art these days. She only acted like this when she was very upset.
I went to bed but I could not sleep. I kept tossing and turning. I finally decided to get up. I went down to the living room. I was restless. Where was Charlie? I kept asking myself.
In the darkness, I saw her silhouette etched against the glass door that opened to the balcony. She stood on the other side and then she turned and was looking at me through the glass. She came inside, walked past me and went to stand in front of the fireplace. Her back was to me and she was angry. I hated it when she got like this.
I put my hand on her shoulder and turned her to face me. My hand went up to her face and I caressed her. She was going to say something and my finger silenced her tracing her lips. I took a step closer to her. My lips brushed hers and I whispered into her mouth, "I'm sorry" and I kissed her.
Her reaction was almost immediate. Her hands went to rest on my thighs as she was responding to my kiss by pulling me against her. There was a noise from the shadows. We both turned to look and found my mother staring in shock.
I took a step towards her and froze when she took a step away from me. I felt Charlie holding the side of my arms from behind me, keeping me steady. I had begun to shake. "Mom," I said in a low voice.
She started walking slowly towards me but she was looking at Charlie behind me. "You've done this to her. What kind of sick game are you playing with my daughter?"
Charlie was silent and mom continued yelling. "You are to blame! My daughter was normal!" She said in disgust.
"Mom don't, please."
She did not listen as she continued. "She was always weak, just like her father, easily led, easily manipulated. You took advantage of her," she said accusingly.
Charlie was no longer holding my arms. I felt like I was going to be sick as I felt the nausea in my stomach. My mother was looking at me now.
"We are leaving! You are not staying here," she was saying. "Laura, this is not normal. This is not you. Are you so far gone that you don't see that?" She started to shake me.
I pulled away and turned my back to her. I could hear the tremor in my voice as I spoke. "I'm not leaving mother. I can't," I said.
There was silence and I turned to look at her. We both stared at each other. Charlie broke the silence. "Mrs. Wallis--" But before she could continue, my mother lashed out at her.
"I don't want to hear anything from you! You've perverted my daughter!" She spat out.
Charlie said nothing and then I spoke. "No mother I was the one that came on to her."
She stared at me. "I don't believe you," she said in shocked disbelief. "If your father were alive he would know how to handle this. I can't." As she finished saying that, she sank down on the sofa. "He would never have approved of this. You know that, don't you Laura?" She was looking up at me now. "What about the children? Do you think that Mark would allow you to have the children if he knew what was going on here?"
She got up and tried again to convince me. "You're confused. What happened between the two of you doesn't have to ruin your whole life. Let's go. He never needs to know, no one ever has to know."
"Mother, I love her," I said to her in barely a whisper.
As I finished saying this I felt her hand strike my face. She was about to strike me again when her hand was stopped midway. Charlie now stood between us. "No more!" She said very quietly through her teeth. She released my mother's arm but stood between us.
"I wish you had never come back! It would have been better if you had stayed dead!" My mother said this and left the room.
I stood there, staring into the emptiness. The nausea that I had felt before overtook me. "I feel sick Charlie." I felt as if the blood was draining from my face.
Charlie rushed me to the bathroom. I barely got there when I started to vomit. The nausea was so strong that the force of the vomiting was making me tremble. Charlie was on the floor next to me, holding my forehead. She got a hand towel and soaked it in cold water and started wiping my face. Holding me close, we leaned back against the bathroom wall. She stroked my hair and held me while sobs racked my body. She kissed my forehead and then held my chin up so as to look at me and she started kissing the side of my temple and my eyes. I don't know how long we sat on that floor before Charlie walked me back to our bed. When I woke up in the morning mom had gone.
Charlie had a house in the Hamptons. She ordered the car and it took us to the airport. We did not discuss the incident with my mother. It was as if it never happened and yet it changed everything. We took a private plane to a small airport. Later that day, we reached the Hamptons. Nothing much was said between us. I wanted to desperately forget it all. I wanted to close my eyes and wish that it had all been a bad dream. Charlie did not pressure me.
The house was on a cliff overlooking the ocean and I could hear the soothing sounds of the surf. I took a wrap and went for a walk. I felt overwhelmed. I needed the fresh air to clear my head. There was so much confusion and pain.
I knew that the reaction I had gotten from my mother was the confrontation I had been dreading. The realities that I did not want to see. My feelings for Charlie were considered an anathema. That's how they would see us. That's how my children would see it if they found out. My God, what was I going to do?
The sea air did not help. When I walked back I was as troubled as before. I walked around the house. The majesty of the place was inescapable. The grounds were immaculately kept. Everything was so beautiful; so many flowers. Your eyes were overcome with the beauty all around. There were surprises upon surprises of color combinations, but I noticed there were no roses.
Charlie must have seen me in the gardens and was now walking over to me. I suppose she thought I had been left alone long enough. She put her arm over my shoulder and pulled out a pansy from a pot nearby and gave it to me with a smile. We started walking back to the house.
It was such a beautiful day that Charlie decided we should have dinner out in the verandah. We were having dinner on the verandah overlooking the ocean when an old man in overalls came over to us.
"Hello Miss Charlotte, it's so nice to have you back," he greeted Charlie.
"Hello Mike, the gardens are perfect as usual," she replied and then continued to eat, ignoring his presence. I had begun to notice that Charlie could be quite insensitive sometimes. Her staff went out of their way to please her and it meant nothing to her. She expected perfection and she usually got it. These people simply did not matter to her so they simply did not exist. It was that simple. She could replace them at any time and not think about it for an instant. Sometimes I had begun to think I really didn't know her at all.
The old gardener then looked at me. "This is for you, miss." He handed me a beautiful lily. Its color was white with a touch of mauve. It was exquisite. His kindness brought a smile to my face.
"Thank you Mike," I said, as I smelled it and I asked, "Mike, are there any roses? I didn't see any."
He gave me a big grin. "You like roses, miss?"
"They are my favorite flowers. No color in particular, I love them all."
Charlie was listening intently to our conversation now.
"I'm sorry miss, we don't have roses. We did have a beautiful rose garden once, but that was many years ago."
When he finished, Charlie spoke. "Mike you just got your rose garden."
We were both looking at her. She had spoken to him but was looking at me. "You managed to get a smile from Miss Laura, that's worth a rose garden."
I gave her a smile from my heart. Mike gave her a big smile. "That's wonderful, Miss Charlotte. I'll get to it right away."
As he rushed off, Charlie called out to him. "And Mike have another greenhouse built. I want to be able to have fresh roses for Miss Laura all year round."
He smiled at me and went off. I looked back at Charlie and met her eyes. I was about to say something when she spoke first. "Let me do this for you. I can't seem to be able to give you anything that you want. Let me give you the flowers that you love so much." Her hand reached for mine.
My eyes filled with tears and they rolled freely down my face. "No! No! The last I wanted to do was upset you!" She kneeled down next to my chair and took my hands into hers. "If you don't want the roses then I'll tell Mike to forget all about it." She started to wipe my tears away.
I stood up and went straight into her embrace. "Oh Charlie, if you only knew how much I love what you've just done for me!" I held her tightly and she consoled me with her embrace. Why couldn't the world just leave us alone? How could I help but love her when she showed such tenderness and love for me. The only sure thing in my life now was that Charlie loved me. That I was sure of.
After dinner we helped Mike find the sight where the rose garden should go. We then went for a drive. It was late spring so the days were long and the sunlight seemed to last forever. Charlie wanted to show me a little of the surrounding areas. Everywhere you looked was beautiful. We saw ostentatious new houses and grand elegant old ones. We stopped in one of the points that overlooked the ocean.
I looked out at the sea and it looked so vast. Surely, in the large scope of things, two people were not that important. Why didn't we have a right to love each other? No matter how unjust the reality was we would not be accepted. I might loose my children. That was a real possibility. I had already had a horrible confrontation with my mother. I closed my eyes and my head leaned back.
"Let's go home, you look tired. It's starting to get dark anyway," Charlie said. We walked back to the car in silence. Charlie drove back to the house and said nothing but held one of my hands.
We walked in silence into the house and upstairs. Charlie opened the door to the bedroom we were to share and turned on the light switch. The light was dim and it gave the room a dreamlike quality. I walked in and was met with cascades of roses. There were roses everywhere. It was like stepping into a dream world, my senses were intoxicated with their sweet perfume.
I looked at Charlie and I went to her. Standing in front of her, I searched her face. I saw in her eyes love -- so much love -- and I embraced it.
She traced my shoulder with her fingers and teased my face with her lips, not quite making the connection. I could feel the warmth of her breath on my skin and I felt myself melting into her body. She kissed my mouth and teased me with the promise of more. Her mouth was trailing down my neck and I could feel my blood burn. All of a sudden my blouse was on the floor and her hands were caressing my breasts. I started to unbutton her blouse. I longed to feel my skin next to hers. Her kisses trailed down my stomach and she undid my slacks and helped me get out of them.
As she started to stand, her hands caressed my thighs upwards. I was burning with desire for her. She removed the rest of her clothes and slowly walked me over to the bed. And as I laid down on it, I felt the coolness of the rose petals all over the sheets. I was consumed with love for her. She laid on top of me and loved me with such gentleness that I was overcome with tears which intermingled later on with those of overwhelming pleasure.
The next morning, we went into town and started to look through the shops. Buying some sunglasses and broad rimmed hats for the beach, we just walked. We ended up in a wonderful restaurant called Basilico. It was decorated in a beautiful blend of sage and cream, with terra-cotta tiles and tall green plants. Everything on the menu sounded wonderful.
"Let me order for you," Charlie requested. "I'll order a few different things that I know you'll like." She reached for my hand and squeezed it with a big smile.
"Okay," I said smiling back.
The waiter appeared out of nowhere, as they do in most places when the prices are out of this planet. Charlie ordered an appetizer of mushrooms stuffed with crab meat and Gruyere cheese sprinkled with parsley. Then they brought a Caesar salad and lunch consisted of grilled mahi mahi with a splash of lemon, and linguini alfredo with crab meat on the side. We drank chilled Coronas with a ring of lime. Charlie took the lime and traced the rim of the glass then let it fall into the ice cool beer. It gave it an interesting taste and when combined with the seafood it was intoxicating.
Everything to do with Charlie was different from anything I had ever experienced in my life. The things that most people would never, ever consider important were the things that made her more extraordinary. Like the combination she put together for lunch. Everything about her was bigger than life. She was different and exciting. Everything around her was beautiful and yet, she needed me to make her happy. Someone that had everything, needed me to be happy, and never lost the chance to show me how she felt. Why should it matter that she was a woman? Why should it matter?
But it did. I looked away from her. She had a strength that I did not have. I could lean on her and I knew she would not falter. Charlie was willing to show the world that she loved me. She didn't seem to care what people would say.
While I acted ashamed, she accepted it all. How could I be so selfish? She was willing to take all of the condemnation and I wouldn't even acknowledge my love for her. Everyday I felt more ashamed and more guilty. I had told my mother because the choice was taken away from me. She had seen us. I was failing her and she still loved me. I felt her hand in mine and I looked into her eyes.
"What's wrong?" she asked in almost a whisper. You could hear the concern in her voice and see it in her eyes.
"I'm so sorry Charlie. I don't deserve you. You don't ever let me down, while I..." She looked down and I could not see the reaction in her eyes.
"You shouldn't feel bad for me. Never feel guilty because of me," she said very seriously. She looked up into my eyes again. Her eyes were serene and unreadable. "I will always love you and I'll never stop loving you." She hesitated for a moment "I want you to forgive me!" She said very seriously. She seemed to be holding her breath for my answer.
"Charlie, I have nothing to forgive you. All you've ever shown me is how much you love me."
But she was not satisfied and asked again. "I want you to forgive me!" It seemed to matter to her so very much, as if she had ever done anything to hurt me. She was the only person that had ever loved me unconditionally. Only daddy had loved me like that. Thank God, now there was Charlie.
I would have forgiven her anything and I told her as much. "I would forgive you anything Charlie. I will love you till the day I die." My answer seemed to have the desired affect. And once again the clouds were gone from her eyes. She asked for the check and we went back to the house.
The first thing we saw when we got to the house was a 1935 candy red Dussenberg. It was the most incredible car I had ever seen. As soon as we saw it Charlie said, "Lyle must be here. It's just like him."
We went in and I found myself looking at a man in a clown outfit. As soon as he saw us he opened his arms and went to embrace Charlie. "Lyle, whatever are you dressed up for?" She wasn't amused. I was trying not to crack up with laughter.
"Was I suppose to be at my best behavior for your new friend in tow?"
Charlie looked like she was going to strike him. As soon as he realized that he was not being amusing, his attitude changed immediately but Charlie spoke before he could open his mouth. "You've gone too far Lyle!" She said menacingly.
He broke in. "I didn't realize?" he said to Charlie and then, looking at me, spoke very seriously. "I'm Lyle Crawford and I'm afraid I've been a boor. Charlotte is my oldest?my only friend and I've offended her. My apologies." He held his hand out to me.
"I'm glad to meet Charlie's oldest friend. My name is Laura Cole." I said to him.
He looked at Charlie with a mischievous grin. "Charlie???"
She gave him a menacing look. "Don't even try it Lyle!" She said to him and he broke out in a loud laughter.
When he stopped laughing he looked at Charlie. "I'm impressed," he was saying while again looking at me. "No one would ever dare to call her Charlie. I'm incredibly curious?"
"Behave Lyle or you're going to be out on your ass," she said. At times it was hard to tell whether they were serious or playing their own private game.
"You're right, you're right," he said good-naturedly.
We went out to the verandah and spent a pleasant few hours. Lyle was one of those charming people who would talk a lot but really said nothing. He seemed pleasant enough but there didn't seem to be anything behind the exterior. I couldn't understand this so-called friendship with Charlie. But then again, there were a lot of things I didn't know about Charlie then.
Lyle invited us to go on his new yacht, which he had called Christabel. "She is the most beautiful boat I've ever had. 'Beneath the lamp the lady bowed, and slowly rolled her eyes around; the drawing in her breath aloud, like one that shuddered, she unbound....The cincture from beneath her breast:....her silk robe, and inner vest, dropped to her feet, and full in view, ....Behold! Her bosom and half her side----- A sight to dream of, not to tell! Oh shield her! Shield sweet Christabel!!'" He recited. I stared in amazement. Charlie just looked furious. "That was a poem by Samuel Taylor Coleridge." He smiled. He was going to put her in the water the next day and was insisting on our going on the Christabel on her virgin voyage.
I had to meet Mark to discuss the children the next day. It seemed that Charlie was looking forward to going but she spoke before I did. "Take her out on Thursday and we'll go with you!" She was looking at him and was waiting for an answer.
Lyle was about to say something, then decided against it. He looked at me then back at Charlie and said, "If that's the way you want it," and it was settled.
We got into Manhattan the next morning in plenty of time for my lunch meeting with Mark. Charlie dropped me off at Mark's office just outside the city. She was heading for Elizabeth Arden and we were supposed to get together for dinner and a play later that day.
Walking into the building was like walking back in time. Nothing had changed. I went into the elevator and pressed the 12th floor like I had done so many times before. Before my life turned upside down, that is.
I got to the front door, turned the knob and walked in. Inside, everything was different. The business must be doing very well. Everything was redecorated and it promoted the allure of wealth and power.
I was met by a tall, blonde, immaculately dressed receptionist. "May I help you?" she asked politely.
"I have an appointment with Mr. Cole," I said.
"Your name, please?" She asked walking over to her desk and looking at her appointment book.
"I'm Laura Cole."
She looked up immediately. "I'll tell him you're here," she said and went into Mark's office.
Mark came out before her. "Laura you don't have to announce yourself. Come in."
The receptionist stepped aside and I walked into his office. I looked around. It had been redone too. Mark must indeed be doing very well. He must have noticed the questioning looks because with a big grin, he said, "We're doing so well it's unbelievable."
I looked at him and I was really happy for him. He had worked so hard to build the business. "I'm so glad Mark. You seem to be doing very well indeed."
He guided me to one of the elegant wing backed chairs and he sat opposite from me. "Remember the Weatherbee Account?" He asked.
"Vaguely. It was the account that you had landed before our trip."
He nodded his head. "Yes, it made all the difference. I just met with them a little over a week ago and they have tripled our budget. It's so big that to service them we really can't take any more clients for now." He was really excited. I remembered that smile of his. I would always tell him that when he smiled like that he looked like the cat that had swallowed the canary.
"Mark, suppose they lower your budget? If you're not developing other clients, what would happen then?"
"No Laura, you don't understand they're interested in including us in all their other projects." This was a reaction that the Mark I knew would never have thought wise.
"Mark, if this fails you could lose everything!"
He was displeased at my observation. Clearly, looking back on it, he was trying to impress me and I was questioning his judgment. "No, that won't happen. I've been dealing with them and they are a solid commitment." He tried changing the subject. "You look beautiful by the way. I tried calling you but they told me that you were away from the city." It was a statement and a question.
"Charlie had to see to some business at her house in the Hamptons and invited me to accompany her," I said looking away from him.
"I see. I know that you call Josh and Ashley everyday. They enjoyed being with you. All they could talk about was their rooms in their mommy's house." He said looking at me, expecting me to elaborate. When I didn't, he asked right out. "What's going on Laura? You show up in a chauffeur driven Rolls Royce, you're living in Trump Towers and the rooms that the kids describe are rooms out of a kid's dream book." He was waiting for an answer.
"Charlie has offered to let me live with her as long as I want or permanently. We became very close. Depending on each other to survive does that to you. It's difficult being back after all the time that's past. We need each other." As I said this, I could not look Mark in the eye.
"Of course, you're right. But you're back and we want you. I want you."
"Mark, you are not exactly free. Or have you forgotten. What about Sarah? Are you just going to say 'so sorry Sarah, but please go now'? Your life is not uncomplicated either." I finished saying. I walked to the window with my back to him.
"Yes, but I'm going to tell her."
I turned to face him. "No, I?it doesn't change the fact that you and I are not?" I couldn't finish.
"Are not what?" he asked. He was now holding me by the sides of my arms and looking down into my eyes. He pulled me closer to him and his mouth came down on mine. His lips were warm and familiar.
Without warning the receptionist walked in. She stopped dead on her tracks. Mark turned around and was visibly angry. "Don't ever come in without knocking when my wife is here!" He said to her.
She was as much surprised by the reaction as by the statement. She apologized and walked out immediately.
I turned toward the window. "I'll be over to pick up the children again on Saturday morning around 10, if that's okay with you?" I turned walked over to the chair to pick up my purse so as to leave.
"Wait," he said reaching out to stop my departure. He was holding my arm and turned me to face him. "I wanted to talk about us," he said very softly.
"Mark, there is no us." I said in a whisper.
"No....don't say that. There will always be us." He tried pulling me back into his arms again.
I held him away from me. "Mark, I want the children. I need my children, Mark." I said to him and it was like a splash of cold water.
He released me and walked over to his desk with his back to me. "No," he said flatly.
"I need them. You don't know what it's been like without them." I pleaded.
"What about me Laura? What about me!" He was upset. He turned to face me now. "You think you can just come back and take them?" His reaction caught me by surprise.
"I don't want to take them from you Mark, I want to share them. I need them too."
He pushed his fingers through his hair in exasperation. "No," he said flatly.
"Mark, I have the right to my children."
He was very angry now. "How do you intend to support them? Where would they live? Where would they go to school? Do you know if they would want to live with you?" He had the upper hand and he knew it. "Do you think a judge would give you custody of our children?"
I felt battered. I sat down in the chair closest to me. I was unable to speak. All I did was look at my lap. He walked over to me, knelt down in front of me and took my hands in his. "You belong with me?with us."
I pulled my hands away from his, got up and walked towards the door. Facing the door, I asked before walking out. "I would like to spend the weekend with them. May I pick them up?please?" After a moments silence I heard a very low "Yes" and I walked out and closed the door behind me.
It had gone all wrong. It wasn't supposed to have been this way. I walked out of the office quickly and as I walked out into the public hallway I heard the receptionist say. "Good bye Mrs. Cole."
I needed some air. I walked out of the building and just started walking. Dear God, what would I do? Mark was right, what judge would give me my children under the circumstances? They hadn't even been living with me for the past two years. They hardly remembered me. No, a judge would probably deem it best for them to stay with their father. And if they were to find out about Charlie, there would be the shame. How would the children deal with that? Did I want them to?
I came back to reality when someone pulled me back hard when a car sped by me. "You should be more careful Ms Cole, and you should look both ways before you cross the street."
I was shaken with fright. I nodded and he smiled and walked away. I started to cross the street again and realized that the man had called me by name. I turned around and he was gone. I hadn't recognized him. But if it had not been for him I would surely have been killed by that car.
I was more careful crossing and when I got to the other side, I hailed down a cab. It took over forty minutes to get back to Manhattan. The traffic was awful. I got off a few blocks before the Tower. I wanted to clear my head and walking might help. Charlie wouldn't be there yet. I needed to think. I wasn't sure of anything anymore.
I walked slowly, mixing into the crowd. I wished it would swallow me up and take away all this doubt and uncertainty. After a few blocks I went into a coffee shop. I sat there, next to the window looking out. I wondered where the people that passed by were going. I couldn't imagine anyone else being in such a mess as the one I found myself in. But then, maybe they were looking at me and thinking the same thing.
I sat there for a long time. I felt like I was floating in a daze. I paid for the coffee and started walking to the Tower. My body felt lethargic and I walked very slowly. I got to our floor and walked into the foyer. Almost as soon as I walked in I was looking into Charlie's anxious eyes.
"What happened? I've been pacing in this apartment for the past two hours." She was looking at me and I just stood there in a daze.
I sat down very slowly and closed my eyes for a moment. She stood next to me and said nothing. I felt her hand on my shoulder and I put my cheek on it. I looked up at her. "The meeting with Mark was horrible," I said wearily. I took a deep breath and started walking to our bedroom. "Charlie, I really don't feel like going out tonight. Would you mind if we just stayed in?"
She looked intensely at me and nodded. I turned and walked into the bathroom so I could take a long bath. I stayed in the hot water forever. I heard Charlie come in. She was leaning on the door. "I was afraid you might fall asleep in the tub," she said to me.
I gave her a half smile and looked at her through weary eyes. I started to get out of the tub and she walked towards me with a robe. She held it for me and I slipped into it. As she helped me to put it on she pulled me to her. "What happened?" she asked me softly.
I turned into her arms and she held me tight. "Oh Charlie, it was awful?" I walked away from her and she followed me into the bedroom. "He was so angry. He wouldn't agree to joint custody of the children." I took a deep breath and continued. "He wants us to work things out. He says that no judge would give me custody in view of the circumstances, and Charlie, he's right and that's not even knowing about us." I finished saying and I sat on a chair pulled my legs up under my chin.
There was a light tap on the door and Charlie said, "Come in."
The maid came in and said that there was a call for me if I wanted to take it. I looked at Charlie and back at Roxanne and asked, "Who is it, Roxanne?"
She looked at me and said. "It's your mother Miss."
I was surprised but I got up, walked over to the phone and picked up the extension right away. "Mom?"
"Laura?I?would like to see you. I didn't mean that horrible thing I said to you about being better dead."
I could hear her crying on the phone and I started to cry too. "I know that mom, I know."
She stopped crying and started talking again. "I want to see you. You're my only child. Can I come see you?"
It sounded like she was begging. I let out a big sob. "Oh mom, I will always want to see you."
"I'm coming back to New York next week. When I get there, I'll call you and we can talk," she finished saying.
"Yes mom, that sounds fine." I heard a sound of relief.
"I love you Laura," she said.
"I love you too mom," and she hung up. I put down the receiver and covered my face and started to cry uncontrollably. I felt emotionally drained. I felt Charlie's arms around me and continued to cry in her arms until I fell asleep.
I woke up early the next morning. Charlie was still asleep next to me. Her face looked so different when she was asleep. I had never really noticed before. And as I was gazing at her, her eyes opened. I caressed her cheek and said, "Your face looks so peaceful when you're asleep."
I ran my hand over her hair. She was saying nothing so my eyes went back to her face.
"We told Lyle we would go out with him on his new yacht today. Are you up to it?" she asked.
I did not want to disappoint her and I gave her a smile and said, "Yes,
She smiled, gave me a kiss and jumped out of bed. It never ceased to amaze me how comfortable Charlie was with her body. She was walking around completely nude, stuffing clothes into a small bag for the trip. She stopped and turned to me. "Get up, you lazy head or we'll never get out of here." Then she asked, "Why are you looking at me like that?"
"I was thinking how beautiful you are," I answered her lazily.
She let the bag fall to the floor and the trip was forgotten. We stayed in bed all morning, and left for the Hamptons after lunch.
We landed in East Hampton Airport around three in the afternoon. We went straight to the dock.
Lyle was furious. "I waited till today because of you!" He barked at Charlie as soon as he saw her.
"Oh Lyle, put a cork in it. Like you've never left me waiting before." She was helping me to get on board. "Remember that time in LA when you asked me to fly out there because you were in trouble? You flew to London and just forgot to leave a message?"
I was on deck. She turned to face him, at which time he broke into laughter. "Okay, okay! I've apologized to you for that at least one hundred times," he finished saying, still laughing his head off.
"Yeah, well, I still remember the sunburn I got there!" She started to laugh too.
"Hello Laura," he now said looking me over. He kissed me on the cheek a little too long and looked at Charlie. She didn't seem pleased. "This way ladies, I'll show you around." The yacht was gorgeous. It was immense. We put out to sea within minutes.
I started getting a little nervous and looked at Charlie. "Don't worry," she assured me, putting her hand in mine. "We're only going out a few miles and we'll stay close to the shoreline." I showed a smile of relief. "I have to talk to Lyle for a moment, I'll be right back." and she walked toward the back of the boat where he was.
The wind felt good on my face. The coastline was so beautiful from here. I turned towards where they were and it seemed that they were having some kind of argument. It was very heated, Lyle was yelling and Charlie threw her hands up in the air and walked away towards me. You could tell that she was furious. When she reached me she said nothing and just stood beside me looking out to sea.
"Are you okay?" I asked.
She turned to face me. "Never go with Lyle anywhere alone!" She was very serious.
I just looked at her curiously. "Why would I--"
She interrupted, "Promise," she insisted. She was very serious about this.
"Okay, I promise." I said to her.
"Lyle is a part of the life I used to have. I want a new and different life with you."
I was surprised at this and I realized that something that I was not privy to was going on. She took a step towards me and brushed my cheek with her lips. Then her mouth found mine and proceeded to give me a passionate kiss. I saw Lyle walking towards us with a grin on his face and I pulled away from her. She saw my expression and turned.
"Well, well, it's going to be a wonderful summer after all." I didn't understand what he was trying to say but Charlie must have because she gave him a murderous look. "It's only a game, CHARLIE!" He emphasized my name for her.
"Don't play this game, Lyle. You won't win!" I was obviously in the middle of some power game between them.
"Don't think so?" He asked sarcastically.
"Don't push me against a wall because I won't hold back," she said to him in a menacing voice.
They just stood facing each other for a moment. Lyle caved in. "Okay, if things change I'll be waiting as always," he said with a smile and walked away.
"Charlie, what the hell is going on here?" I asked.
"Old business that I just finished." As I was about to ask more questions, she changed the subject. "How about if we go dancing tonight?"
I didn't know what to say. It was a plain enough question. But then again our situation was not at all plain. I hesitated. "Charlie, where can we go?"
She turned to look at the ocean again. "There's a place at East Gate Road, where we would not look out of place." I wasn't ready for this and I remained silent. She was looking at me now. "Are we going to hide forever? Why are you so ashamed to be seen with me?" She was clearly very upset.
"I'm here with you now!" I responded.
"Sure you are," she said and looked away again before continuing. "Here, safe from prying eyes. You jumped away from me when you thought Lyle was looking."
What could I say to her? She was right. "I need time," I told her softly.
"TIME? How much time? A WEEK? A MONTH? A YEAR? MAYBE TWO? How much time?"
I wasn't ready for this reaction. I just stared at her, I didn't have an answer. She took in a deep breath and looked away from me. And I stood there not knowing what to say or do. I turned and ran away from her. As soon as I got to the indoor cabin, my hand went to my face and I started to cry. No sooner had I done this then I was turned around and embraced by her.
"I'm sorry?I'm sorry?I?just want you so much! Now that we are back, I'm afraid to lose you. That you won't need me anymore." Her voice was filled with such sadness.
"No," I touched her face. " I'm the one that is sorry Charlie. We'll go dancing tonight just like you wanted to."
She held my face up by the chin, smiled and kissed me. I went into her arms again and whispered, "Be patient with me Charlie, please."
There were no more scenes for the rest of our outing. My nerves were raw. So much was happening. I wasn't taking it in fast enough. I felt like I was on a crash course to disaster. But I was committed to try that night.
We got to the nightclub at almost midnight. Charlie was leading me by the hand through the crowd. I kept looking around. I felt exposed, uncomfortable. There were many couples like us, as Charlie put it. They were dancing very provocatively. The music was so loud. It was smoky and dark in some places. I saw two women in a deep embrace.
I started to feel the panic rise within me begin. Charlie waved to a few people from a distance. I tried to hide my face. We got to the dance floor and Charlie started to dance in front of me. I just stood there, not knowing exactly what to do. I started looking around me.
Then a slow song came on. Charlie took me in her arms and started swaying with me. She was rubbing against me provocatively, her cheek was next to mine. And for a moment, I closed my eyes and I could smell her hair. Her body was exciting me. And when I opened my eyes, the reality of where I was hit me. I tried pulling away. She held me tightly. We were looking into each other's eyes. Her eyes were as cold as ice. Charlie kissed me on the mouth passionately. I felt every eye on me. She held me tighter and I felt her hand slide down my thigh and rest on my lower back.
The panic inside me took over. I pushed her away and started running through the crowd. I had to get out of there. I couldn't breath. When I got out to the street I started looking around. What was I doing here? Where was I going to go? I was totally disoriented.
Then I heard Charlie's voice behind me. "Let's go home," she said very softly and calmly. Ever so calmly, like you would talk to an animal trying not to spook him. So you could rein him in. That's just how I felt. Trapped. Caged in. And she could see it.
She guided me to a cab and we went back to the house. I felt as if I were in some kind of daze. All of a sudden the world was on my shoulders. I was at the edge of a precipice and I was going to fall. I would fall and die. We got to the house in silence. And in silence we went to bed.
When I woke up the next morning, Charlie was already out of bed. I could hear the shower running. How was I going to deal with today? Last night had been so horrible. She was willing to go to those places to be with me and I had run from there, from her. She had been willing to expose herself to the world to be with me and I had run from her. I wasn't strong enough. I had betrayed her. She must have been nervous too. But she hadn't run away, I had.
Tears started rolling down my face. All I ever did lately was cry. My life was out of control. I wiped the tears away from my face when I heard the water turn off in the shower. I was reaching for my robe when Charlie was coming in from the bathroom. I tried stretching my arm to reach it without getting out from under the covers. Charlie went over to the edge of the bed and held it up for me to take. As was our custom, I slept without any clothing. But unlike Charlie, I was uncomfortable with my nudity since returning from the island.
She stood there, holding out the robe with her unreadable gaze. I couldn't move, I just looked down. She came over to the edge of the bed and stood over me. I did not want to look into that blank expression in her eyes. I heard her reach for something in the nightstand. She took my head and pulled it towards her. I could feel her hand caressing my hair. I pressed my face closer to her. Her fingers were running through my hair. I breathed in and her scent went through me like a drug I needed and would die without. I felt her fingers tighten around my hair and pull my head back and my mouth went to meet hers. But she didn't kiss me. I felt her hold on my hair tighten. She pulled my head back further and further
"Is this the only way I can touch you? Hiding? Always hiding and in the dark?" She was furious. Her eyes were those of a stranger. "You won't even show yourself to me anymore," she hissed.
"I'm--" but before I could continue she pulled my head back hard and she fell on top of me on the bed.
Within seconds she had pulled my hands over my head and had me handcuffed to the bedpost. Horror, all I could feel was horror.
She placed her hand over my mouth. "How much more do you think I can stand? Expecting you to say you're leaving me. Why can't you love me like I love you? Do you know how you make me feel?" She was fuming. This was a stranger.
The only noises I could make were muffled cries. "What haven't I offered you? What? Do you need a better fuck?"
My eyes expressed the shock. I tried tossing to get her off me. But I was held in place by my arms.
"Is that what you want? I can give you that too!"
I could feel the fear running through my veins. She got off me and pulled the sheet between us off. I started to yell, "Charlie, what are you doing?" You could hear the fear in my voice. "Let go of me Charlie! Please! Have you gone crazy?"
She just sat there next to me. Not a word came from her lips and she started to slowly remove her robe. She spread her legs and sat on my stomach as if to ride me. "Charlie, please! You're scaring me! CHARLIE?" By then I was petrified.
She just kept staring at me. We were just staring at one another. Her hand started touching my body, exciting me. Her mouth was sucking my breast. I could feel myself starting to want her. My body started responding to her touch. She did all this looking at me, without saying a word, with the eyes of a stranger.
Just as quickly as she had gotten on me, she got off. She parted my legs and got between them. "What haven't I done for you? What are you missing that I can't give you?" She looked menacing.
"Charlie, I'm sorry--"
"You need a good fuck," she interrupted. Her eyes were like pieces of cold steel.
She pulled something from under the pillow and I felt a piercing pain going right through me. I cried out. I felt the trusting pain over and over.
"Well now I'm giving you that too!" She screamed.
My God, what was she doing to me? I tried to twist my body but all I could do was scream in horror.
"I'm fucking you Laura. Are you happy now!"
I kept feeling the thrusts continue. She laid part of her body on me. Her breathing was heavy and the pain wouldn't stop. "I've wanted to fuck you like this for so long baby. I wanted to be the one to break you," she groaned in my ear. Her mouth found the breast closest to it and sucked at the nipple so hard I cried out in more pain. The more I pleaded with her to stop the more it seemed to excite her. I kept crying out in pain, telling her to stop hurting me, until I felt her body shake with orgasm, then the piercing pain stopped.
Charlie rolled off me and I coiled away from her. We were surrounded by a silence broken only by her hard breathing and my whimpering sobs.
I don't know how much time we just laid there. All I could feel was a sense of detachment. Not believing what had just happened, I chose to feel nothing to say nothing and sink into oblivion. I closed my eyes and it all went dark.
My eyes flew open when I felt a pulling of my hands. I could see Charlie above me removing the handcuffs. Once my hands were free my body curled up into a fetal position and my body started shaking with my sobs again. I was hurting. I was hurting so much.
I tried getting up and my knees gave way. I fell to the floor. She was there next to me, helping me up. I pushed her away from me, not saying a word. I tried again, and again I fell to the floor. I started to cry uncontrollably out of pain and frustration. My God, how had I gotten here?
I could feel her hovering over me trying to touch me and not daring to. She fell to her knees in front of me in tears. "I'm sorry?I'm so sorry," she pleaded.
She reached out for me and I pulled away. She began to cry uncontrollably and embraced me. I tried to push her off me, but she wouldn't let go. "I will die if you leave me! Oh God, I want to die!" She kept repeating. "I'm insane. I'm going crazy at the thought of losing you."
No matter how hard I tried pushing her away she wouldn't let go. After awhile I stopped trying.
"I love you. You have to believe me, I love you. Forgive me!" She continued to plead. "I don't know how this happened. I promise you, I will die before I hurt you again. Please believe me? You have to believe me." She was sobbing again. "I've never been in love before. I've never been in this situation before!"
She had never been in that situation before. Those words registered in my brain. I had put her in this situation. I had placed her in it on the island and I had pushed her into this love affair. I was partly responsible for this insanity.
I felt tired. I was tired of fighting. I tried getting up again. She tried to help me and I let her. I had let this happen. I was to blame. I gave in. She helped me to the bathroom and turned on the shower. We both got in together. She bathed me and patted me dry. I knew this Charlie. Who had just brutally attacked me?
I said nothing. I did nothing. She helped me back to bed saying that it was still early. She tucked me in and laid down next to me. Pulling me into her arms, she caressed my hair and temples with mesmerizing strokes until I fell asleep.
The telephone ringing woke us up. Charlie reached over me for the phone. "Hello," she said. "No. I said no! Don't fuck with me Lyle, or so help me!!" She hung up and looked down into my eyes. There was the Charlie that I knew. I could see her again. I went up to embrace her and held her tight. I wanted to forget what had happened. I wanted to forget that other Charlie; the one that had given me so much pain, the one that had hurt me. It had been a horrible nightmare. But I was awake now and it would be forgotten.
I had thought that everything was pending on my choices. That day I realized that I had very few. The pain started to subside. I told myself she had been under a lot of pressure. I told myself it would never happen again. She loved me. She would never hurt me again.
Later that night we flew back and arrived in Manhattan a little after eight. I felt completely exhausted. I called Mark at home to verify my picking up the kids in the morning. All of a sudden I felt a rush of warm fluid running down my legs. And as if in slow motion I looked down and I saw that my slacks were stained in blood. I felt the room spin. The phone slipped out of my hand and I felt arms from behind me holding me up. I could see Charlie yelling but I couldn't hear what she was saying. I was numb. It was suddenly very quiet. And I fell into a deep dark abyss.
I swam up through the darkness and when I reached the top I opened my eyes and I didn't know where I was. I saw Charlie slouched over with her hands in her face. I made a sound and her head immediately flew up. She looked terrible and distraught. She seemed tired and there were black circles under her eyes they were bloodshot. She came to my side and held my hand with both of hers. She sat down next to me and her face went to lie on my hands and sobs shook her body. "I'm sorry?I'm sorry," she kept saying.
I started to look around me. I was in a hospital. What had happened? I looked at Charlie. Her tear-filled eyes were looking into mine. "It's my fault. I hurt you. Oh God!" She started to cry again. "I love you so much. I'm sorry."
The door to the room opened and a man walked in. It was Doctor Schaefer, the doctor that had examined us when we had gotten off of the island. Charlie immediately got up and turned her back to him. She wiped her face and then turned to face him again.
The doctor looked at her then turned to me. "Hello Ms. Cole. Do you remember me? I'm Doctor Schaefer." His voice was gentle. "Your hemorrhage was due to lacerations to the vaginal wall." He looked at me than at Charlie. He was looking in my direction when he added, "Were you attacked, Ms Cole?" He waited for an answer.
I turned my gaze away and whispered. "No." There was a moment of silence. I looked at him and for a moment I thought I saw a glint of understanding and sympathy.
He cleared his throat. "You must understand that there is only so much damage the human body can take. This?incident is going to leave you with some vaginal scarring. I want you to stay off your feet for a few days, you've lost a lot of blood." He pulled a pad out of his pocket and was writing on it. "I'm prescribing some antibiotics. You can go home if you like. I'm counting on you, Charlotte, to see that she stays off her feet." He gave Charlie a censuring look, handed her the slip of paper, and she followed him out into the hallway. I could see them talking. He was shaking his head and she kept insisting about something. He hung his head in defeat as she kept talking. Finally, he looked up and nodded his head. He looked tired and, after saying something to her, he walked away. She came back into the room.
"What were you talking to the doctor about?" I asked, trying to sit.
"He isn't going to report anything so there won't be any record. You won't have to answer any more embarrassing questions," she finished saying. "Let's go home now" she said tenderly. She helped me to get dressed.
The Rolls was waiting at the hospital door and it took us home. We pulled in front of the Tower and Steven, the chauffeur, opened the door of the car.
"I'm glad you feel better Miss Cole. You gave us all a fright," he said kindly to me. Charlie looked at him as she followed me out of the car. And if looks could kill he would be dead. I had begun to notice that she did not like people speaking to me on a personal level. She seemed to resent anyone that could take my attention from her. He immediately walked around the car, got into it, and drove away. Charlie helped me to the elevator and into our floor.
She was so sorry. There wasn't anything she didn't try to do. She got me water, put my feet up, and fluffed the cushions behind me in the couch. I reached for her hand to stop her for a moment. "Charlie, stop. I'm okay," I said gently.
Her eyes filled with tears again and they rolled down her cheeks. She sat next to me and just held me. And as I looked towards her my lips tasted her tears. She helped me into bed.
The next morning I was in no shape to pick up the kids so Charlie had gone to bring them to me. It was noon and they were still not back. I was getting worried. Then I heard the hustle and bustle of the kids. They flew into the room with arms filled with stuffed animals and flowers. I was so happy to see them. I opened my arms and they flew into them.
"Mommy, are you feeling better? Charlie told us you were sick," said Ashley.
"I'll be fine. I'm so glad to see you!" I said joyfully. I looked at Josh. "I missed you both so much." I gave Charlie a big smile and she smiled back, left the room closing the door behind her.
We spent the weekend in the apartment. We watched movies, played games and talked and joked a lot. It was wonderful. Charlie doted on the children and me. It was perfect. I felt happy again. It was Charlie who took the children back on Sunday night.
Lyle came by before Charlie had gotten back. Roxanne came to my room. She was now in the apartment everyday to see to all the chores. "I'm sorry to disturb you Miss but Mr. Crawford insists on waiting for Miss Von Steiben and talking to you. I've already told him that you are not well, but he won't leave." She was clearly upset.
"It's all right Roxanne, I'll see him." She helped me get up and put a robe on. I looked at my reflection in the mirror and straightened out my hair. I went out to meet Lyle.
I stretched my hand out to greet him. "Hello Lyle."
He took my hand and kissed me on the cheek. "I was told that you were ill, are you feeling better?" He asked.
"I'm much better thank you," I replied. He still had my hand in his. I gradually pulled it away and I asked him to sit down. I sat on the opposite couch.
"What is exactly wrong with you my dear?" He asked with a smile. "Had a rough night with our dear Charlie?"
I looked up quickly into his eyes. "I had a small accident," I responded looking away.
"I see...." he said looked around and went to the point. "Well, since we are both Charlotte's closest friends these days, I thought we should get to know each other better." I feigned a smile. "Charlotte and I go back a long way," he started saying. "We've known each other since we were both kids. We were always in trouble," he said laughing.
"What got you into trouble?" I asked. I was curious to know about Charlie. She was always so discreet about her life before me.
"We were always doing things we shouldn't," he said.
"Everything, because it was fun." He was looking at me very seriously. I wasn't exactly sure what to say next. He must have seen the confusion in my expression. He started laughing. "I'm sorry, I always go for the dramatic," he said as he got up and walked behind me. He was standing behind the couch and started massaging my shoulders. "Here, this always helped Charlotte after a tennis match."
I started to get really nervous. "Lyle, I'm fine thanks, you don't have to do that."
He could hear the trembling of my voice, but he did not stop. I felt my heart starting to pound in my chest. "Lyle, please!" I tried to get up but he pushed me back down.
"Just trust me," he whispered in my ear and kissed it.
"NO! Let go!" I yelled and at that moment Charlie walked in and she was furious.
"Get away from her!"
My face was flushed. She was next to him in a flash, pushed him away from me and started to strike him. Lyle grabbed her hands and she then kneed him in the groin and he went down with a thud.
Charlie looked in my direction. "Are you okay?"
I nodded. She walked to a phone and called for Steven to come up immediately. Lyle was still on the floor when he arrived. "Get this piece of shit out of here," Charlie said.
"Don't think you can live like this forever CHARLIE!" He said to her.
She just stood there watching Steven take him away. "How long do you think this thing with her is going to last? This type of life is not for you!" and on that note, the elevator door closed.
Charlie walked over to me. "Did he hurt you?" she asked anxiously.
"No," I answered. "Charlie, what's all this about?" I asked her. "Why was he so angry?"
She didn't answer.
"Were you and Lyle involved or something?"
Still, she did not answer. She just kept looking at me. She got up and walked to the window and was looking out over the city. "I had another kind of life before I knew you," she said simply and nothing else. "Nothing before us is important." This attitude always upset me.
"Why won't you tell me Charlie? What is it that you think I won't understand?" I asked her.
"There is nothing to tell," she answered still looking out onto the city.
I got up and started walking towards her but on the way I felt pain and a groan escaped my lips. She turned and was next to me quickly. "You should be in bed." She had her arms around me and was helping me back to our room. She helped me into bed.
I reached for her hand and I said. "Trust me. Trust me, Charlie, I love you." There was a touch of pleading in my voice.
She looked me straight in the eyes as she replied, "There are things you wouldn't understand." She started to go but I wouldn't let go of her.
"I know you. There isn't anything that you could have done that could be so horrible," I said to her.
She looked at me and I saw a touch of pain in her eyes. "Yes there is," and she left the room. I heard her out in the hallway, telling Roxanne to bring me some tea.
I woke up feeling better the next day. Charlie brought me breakfast in bed, smiling from ear to ear. Her hand reached out and caressed my face. "I have some errands to run will you be okay?" She asked and I nodded. "Do you want me to bring you anything?" I shook my head no. She started to leave and when she reached the door she turned around. "I've left instructions with security downstairs that Lyle is not to be allowed to come up," she informed me and walked out.
A few days later I got a call from Mark telling how busy he was and he hoped that I was feeling better. When Charlie picked up the children he had asked about me and she had told him I had not been feeling well.
Later that afternoon two dozen blue roses were delivered. They arrived when Charlie and I were sitting in the living room. Steven brought them up. "They are for you Miss Cole," he said.
I looked at Charlie and held out my hands to take them from him. I put them on the side table. "How did you know?" I asked her.
She looked at me and said, "I'm sorry, I didn't send them."
I opened the card and I saw that they were from Mark. I smiled to myself.
"Who are they from?" She asked and when I looked up I could see that she was not pleased.
"They're from Mark."
"What does the card say?"
I knew it would upset her but refusing would be worse. I looked at the card and read it to her. "With all the love and the magic of the old days -- Love Mark."
She was visibly upset. "Why are you encouraging him?"
Steven and Roxanne discreetly left the room. She was angry. "I don't," I replied.
" He has been calling you. Why?" She was fuming.
"Are you spying on me?" I asked. Now I was angry.
"Why are you talking to him? What does he want?" She ignored my question.
"He just called to see if I was feeling better."
"Did you tell him? Did you?" She asked the same thing over and over.
I turned and was walking away from her. I wouldn't take this. She grabbed my arm and pulled me around. "Did you tell him!!" She yelled.
"What did you want me to tell him Charlie? That I went into the hospital because you felt inadequate and you fucked me!!" I saw her hand rise and then I felt the blow across my face. I fell to the floor. I was disoriented for a few seconds and I looked up and saw Charlie standing above me. I saw her face go from anger to remorse. She looked like she was the one that had been hit. She turned around and ran out.
Steven came back into the room and helped me up. He took out his handkerchief and gave it to me. I looked at him and he pointed to his lip and mine. I wiped my lips and saw bloodstains on the handkerchief. Oh God, I was bleeding.
Tears started rolling down my face. I could see the pity in his eyes as he looked at me. Charlie came back into the room and Steven left without a word. She walked slowly towards me. She just stared and stood there, looking very confused. "I don't know how to love anyone." She wouldn't look at me in the eye. "I never had anyone to teach me. I was shipped from school to school. I never?stayed anywhere long enough for anyone to care for me. My mother?hated me. She told me so. That's why after she died I tore up her rose garden. All I know is how to keep people away so they can't hurt me." Now she looked into my eyes and hers were filled with tears as well. "I don't want to lose you. You're the only good thing in my life." She embraced me and my arms went up to hold her. She hung on to me and cried without consolation. She kissed my cheek, the side of my mouth and then she looked at my face for a sign. I just looked back in confusion.
I wasn't sure how to handle this. The violence between us was beginning to scare me. I just didn't know how Charlie would react anymore.
Before I could speak, she kissed me lightly. Her lips were wet with her tears. I could taste them. I could feel her need for me. She shook with emotion. Her mouth opened and beckoned. I hadn't touched her or been touched for so long, that I gave in to my longing and I welcomed her kiss. She made love to me that night gently and with such tenderness. I tasted her tears and felt her passion. There was a need that she alone could fill inside me. She needed. She needed so much. And I gave myself to her.
The next few weeks went by without any incidents. The children would come on the weekends. I had even met with my mother and we had started seeing each other about once a week in some restaurant in the city. We talked about the children, Mark, and my coming to visit. She never mentioned Charlie and I didn't either. There was my life and there was my life with Charlie.
The blue roses kept coming every week but Charlie never said a word again. I saw Mark briefly on Saturdays when we would pick up the children together. Charlie accompanied me now when I went to pick them up. The business was getting hard to keep up with, Mark told me over the phone. He kept calling regularly to see how I was. He was friendly and funny and I liked talking to him. We had been friends even before we had been lovers. Charlie knew about some of the calls. I could see she didn't like it but she didn't object either. I needed to gradually work out something with Mark about the children. I hoped that she would understand, I said once.
We stayed in Manhattan all this time. Charlie never mentioned going back to the Hamptons. And that was fine. I dreaded the thought of that house now.
Charlie and I were watching a sitcom on television one night and I felt her shake me. "Did you hear me?" she asked.
"No I'm sorry," I said.
"I thought that since the children would be out of school in a week, and Mark is so busy these days, we could take them on a vacation." She seemed really excited. "We could go to Disney, or anywhere they might want to go. What do you think?"
I didn't exactly know what to say. "It sounds great, but?I don't know if Mark would agree." I answered. "I could ask him. He has really been busy lately." I must confess I was beginning to get excited too. "I'll call him." I reached for the phone. Mark got on the phone right away. "Mark, it's Laura?. No, I'm fine, thanks?Mark if you didn't have any plans with the kids after school is over, I wanted to take them on vacation somewhere?of course?Mark you're in the office most of the day and?I understand?yes, I am?well, I?just for a week?Yes? Oh Mark, thank you.... Yes.... Thank you Mark...I love you too, bye." I turned to Charlie. "He agreed, Charlie we can take the children for a week. Isn't it wonderful!" In my excitement I didn't notice her expression until that was all I could see. "What's the matter?" I asked.
"You don't know do you?" She kept staring.
She got up and walked away. Just as quickly she came back in. "You said 'I love you too'!"
I just stared. "I couldn't have said that!" I exclaimed.
"Yes you did. Do you think I would make that up?" she was yelling now.
"Charlie, I don't want to fight," I said to her. "If I said it, it was out of habit. For Gods sake, I don't even remember saying it!" I exclaimed. She was furious. I went to her and embraced her. I wanted to avoid an incident at all costs. She pushed me away from her. "Charlie, make love to me," I said and that got a reaction out of her. Her eyes started to soften and she took me to bed. I promised her I would try to tell him about us as soon as I could. I just needed a little more time.
We spent most of the week making plans and buying things for our trip. We had decided to take the children to Disney in Florida.
Mark called and wanted me to meet him for lunch to discuss the details of the trip. I didn't think it was an unreasonable request, so I agreed to meet him. I didn't mention it to Charlie because I didn't want to upset her. Looking back, my action was unwise. I told her I was going to meet my mother for lunch. Any mention of Mark would make her fly into a rage now. We met for lunch in a restaurant downtown.
He looked tired and had lost some weight. "God, just looking at you makes me feel good!" He exclaimed.
"Mark please," I said.
"Okay, okay," he replied. "Where will you be going with the kids?"
"I thought we could go to Disney in Orlando," I answered.
"Yeah, I think they would really enjoy that." He was looking at me with such longing. "I wish I were going with you."
I looked away. He reached into his pocket and gave me an envelope. "I want you to take this," he said. I looked inside and it had a check for four thousand dollars. I looked at him in surprise. "I wanted to give you this so that your vacation might be a little nicer," he finished saying. "I'll be sending you a check every month."
I was speechless I hadn't expected this. "Mark, thank you but I don't?"
"I want you to have this," he interrupted. "The business is doing great and it belongs to you too. You worked very hard remember? I should have done this long ago. I'm sorry."
I couldn't accept. "Mark, I really..."
He reached out for my hand and my eyes met his. He spoke very softly. "You are my wife. Do you know how much I love you? How much I still need you? I've talked to Sarah about this."
My mouth opened and all I could say was, "Oh no."
"I'm sorry I hurt her, but the truth is I love you, and until she was gone I knew you wouldn't even consider a reconciliation."
I didn't know what to say to him. How could I tell him? So I said nothing.
"Have a good time and when you come back, after you've had some time to think, perhaps we can talk again." He squeezed my hand and raised it to his lips. I felt the walls closing in. Pretty soon I wouldn't be able to move without crashing into one of them. I suppose I wished that eventually it would all work itself out. I didn't want to hurt anyone and by not acting. In the end I hurt everyone.
We flew in a private plane into Orlando. A limousine met us and took us straight to the park. We were staying at Disney's Contemporary Hotel. It was an incredibly beautiful hotel. Right in the middle of the park with the monorail that went right through it. We were taken up to a VIP suite. It consisted of two sitting rooms, a dining room, four bedrooms and no less than four bathrooms. We had arrived late, so we ordered dinner to be brought up instead of going out. We planned to start early the next day.
The kids were really excited they had never been to Disney. After dinner, we watched some television and decided to turn in early. After we had tucked them in, Charlie and I went out into the terrace out of the master bedroom and could see all of the park from there. We were surrounded with lights and the magic of the place filled me with wonder. I had never been here either. I kept pointing at different sites. She just stared at me and laughed. "Oh Charlie isn't it all wonderful!" I exclaimed and gave her a big hug.
"Yes, wonderful," she whispered looking into my eyes. She reached out and placed the lock of hair on the side of my face behind my ear.
"You haven't done that for so long," I said to her. She gave me a smile and held me close to her. All of a sudden the sky was filled with fireworks. It was beautiful.
We spent the next day going through the Magic Kingdom. The kids wanted some ice cream and we quickly agreed so we could sit down and get off our feet.
"Aren't you guys tired?" Charlie said jokingly.
"No!" they both answered at the same time.
We both started laughing. By the time the day was over, we were sure we needed hospitalization. The kids had their bath and we each took a quick shower. They started watching TV while we ordered dinner from room service. I was putting some of their clothes away when Charlie poked her head into the room and said very seriously and very softly, "I love you, you know." And I smiled at her. She smiled back and went to watch TV with the kids.
When room service arrived, they were chasing each other around the couch. We all sat down for dinner. The conversation was light and we talked about the plans for the next day. We all had such a good time together.
The next few days were spent exploring the rest of the park. There was Epcot, Animal Kingdom, MGM Studios, and so much more to see and do. One night we went to a restaurant called Medieval Times. You had dinner while watching a show, which consisted of knights on horseback jousting. It was spectacular. It was perfect.
On our last night the conversation around the table was pretty much the same, except that the plans were for the upcoming weekend instead of the next day. Charlie started telling them about her house in the Hamptons and they started making all sorts of plans about going sailing and building sand castles on the beach.
Charlie looked in my direction and smiled. "Your rose garden must be ready by now," she said gently.
I nodded and smiled back. Josh looked at me and said, "Mommy will you come live with us now?" The silence was palpable. I couldn't find the words to answer him.
"Yes, mommy why don't you? Sarah isn't living with us anymore," said Ashley.
Charlie was looking at me and when I looked at her she knew instantly that I had known.
"Oh mommy it would be great! All of us together. You, daddy, Josh and me," Ashley insisted.
I didn't have the heart to tell them that it was impossible. Charlie just sat there looking at her dinner in silence. I had to say something and I did. "We'll see sweetheart, we'll see."
Charlie didn't say much for the rest of the night. I tucked the kids in and I went looking for her. We had to talk. I found her out in the verandah smoking a cigarette. "I thought you quit," I said.
She did not turn to face me but said, "I guess not."
I stood there for a moment and then I went and stood next to her. "Smoking is not good for you Charlie," I said and took the cigarette from her hand gently.
She then turned and looked at me. "Sometimes you can't change things." she said.
I tried to touch her but she stepped away from me. "Nothing has changed for me. As difficult as it is sometimes. I do love you and nothing can change that," I said to her. She looked at me and nodded. "I'm tired you must be too. Why don't we go to bed?" And we went to bed. That was all that was said. The next day we flew back to Manhattan.
I called Mark as soon as we had gotten back. "Mark, it's Laura?yes, we just got in." Charlie was pouring herself a drink and the children had gone to their rooms. "We all had a wonderful time?can I keep them a few more days next week?yes, of course?I understand?I'll tell them?yes?.I'll pick them up on Saturday morning and get them back to you on Tuesday night, if that's all right? no, it's just that we had made some plans to take them to the Hamptons?with Charlie?Mark, I can't?no?okay, thanks I'll be picking them up at about ten in the morning?thanks, bye." I hung up the phone and I was facing Charlie, except that Charlie was still not facing me. I knew she could see me from the reflection in the mirror in front of her. "Charlie?" I waited for an answer.
All I got was silence. "Okay, I know, I didn't tell you. I knew you would act like this," I said as I started to approach her. "I don't want to feel like I have to walk on eggshells when I'm with you Charlie." Still, she said nothing. "Love is based on trust. We trusted each other for everything on the island, why can't you trust me now?" She was looking down into her glass. "I have been honest with you about everything. That honesty is what is going to keep us together." She was looking at me from the mirror. Her eyes were unreadable. "Trust me sweetheart, as I trust you. I love you!" I was waiting for a response.
She turned around, was about to say something and at the last minute she must have changed her mind. "Yes, of course you're right," she finally said looking into her glass again.
I pressed further. "Charlie, what is wrong? Talk to me. We can overcome anything, just talk to me." I was pleading with her. I sensed there was something she wasn't telling me and that really worried me.
"You're right, I shouldn't let things bother me so much. I just don't know how I'm suppose to act, this is all new to me," she finished saying.
"Well, welcome to the club" I said to her smiling. "It never crossed my mind to look at a woman," I added. She just looked at me very intently. "I hope you're not sorry?" I asked her in earnest.
"Sorry for what Laura?"
"If not for me, you would never have been with a woman. Are you sorry I..." I couldn't finish the question.
"I hope you're never sorry you love me!" She said very softly after a moment, then turned towards me and pulled me into a strong embrace. "Let's go away for a few days," she said.
"Let's go to Greece."
I looked at her in surprise. "Greece?"
"Yes, we'll go on a yacht to private beaches where you and I can be together. Away from prying eyes so we can just love each other. Greece is the most beautiful place. I want to share it with you, okay?" She waited anxiously. I nodded. Charlie was happy. We dropped off the children that night and the next morning we were in a private plane to Athens, Greece.
After arriving, we were driven to a yacht waiting for us at Piraeus, the largest port in Greece. It would take us south toward Paros, Naxos and Santorini.
As soon as we started our odyssey on the Aegean Sea, Charlie visibly relaxed. She was lighthearted and playful, as I remembered her back on the island. We would stop on the islands and wander lonely beaches, had lunch in small little towns, and dined on deck on starlit nights.
My love for her awoke again with the rekindled memories of the Charlie I had loved before everything had stood between us. We walked on white sands hand in hand, swam totally nude under the moon, and made love on the deserted beaches under the stars. I loved her as I had never loved her before. And when the end of our holiday came, I was truly sorry. It seemed that the tensions between us had gone, and all that I knew was how great my love was for her.
We left that world and returned to the other. This one was made of highways instead of beaches and buildings for shelter instead of the stars. That Friday night we arrived at the Tower around 11pm. I went out onto the terrace and looked up at the stars. Charlie came out and stood behind me, pulling me into her. "This is a savage jungle, Charlie," I said to her.
"Yes it is." Her arms tightened around me.
"Please hold me tight. I don't want to get lost," I said to her.
"Don't worry, I'll never lose you. I'd die before I let that happen. For the first time in my life I feel alive, truly alive." She kissed my neck and caressed my body. I turned in her arms and her lips welcomed mine.
We picked up the children at ten the next morning and Mark was there to meet us. "Hi, I heard you guys had a great time," he said.
"Yes, we did," I answered.
He was looking in the direction of the car. "Charlie is waiting, she's on the phone," I lied to him.
The kids ran out then and gave me a big hug. "We're ready mom. Where is Charlie?" Asked Josh.
"She's in the car." He ran to the car.
"They really like her," Mark said.
"Yes, she's very kind to them." I said to him.
"Does she have any family?"
"Me," I said and he kept looking at me. "She has no one. I'm the closest thing to a family she has."
"Yes, of course."
"Well sweetheart, say good-bye to daddy, we have a long trip ahead of us." Ashley gave her father a hug and took hold of my hand. "Good-bye Mark, and thanks, I said to him as I walked back to the car.
When I got in the car I gave Charlie a big smile and she smiled back. We arrived at South Hampton later on that day. The children thought the house was wonderful. They especially enjoyed sliding down the banister in the hallway, something that Charlie absolutely encouraged. She told them to get ready to go down to the beach and they ran upstairs to change. Holding her hand out to me, she led me to the garden. "Close your eyes, " she said.
"Charlie, where are you taking me?" I asked.
Finally she said, "Okay open them."
When I opened my eyes I was surround by cascades of roses. Mike was standing there looking so proud. I was speechless. "She had them flown in fully grown for you, Miss," he said.
Everywhere I looked was more beautiful than before. My eyes filled with tears when I turned to look at her. "Thank you Mike," she said and he walked away. She pulled me behind a wall and when we were hidden from prying eyes she kissed me passionately. Her lips were warm and tender. I loved her so much that words were inadequate.
We spent the day down on the beach. We all built a huge sandcastle. And the water was warm enough to go in, so we splashed and played in the water. Instead of going up to the house, we built a bonfire as it started to get dark and we ate down on the beach. Only when it started to get cool did we take the children up. Once they were safely in bed, Charlie and I went for a walk in the garden. "Do you like this house?" she asked. It seemed important to her that I should.
I looked at her. "Yes, it's beautiful."
She turned to me and spoke very seriously. "I can love this house. I want to replace all the sadness here with joy. My father built it for my mother right after they were married. She told him that she loved another man in this garden and that I wasn't his child. I overheard her. She left him here alone with me. Three months later he shot himself. She came back for me, of course. I hated her. As soon as I came of age and got my inheritance I made her leave. I never saw her after that. The last time I saw her she said she hated me too. And the feeling was mutual." She paused for a moment. "I want us to live here eventually. The kids seem to like it. I want to wake up with you here in my arms. I want to walk with you in this, our rose garden."
I had never heard Charlie speak so much about herself. She was letting me into the world within her and I wanted so much to be a part of that. She avoided eye contact. I doubt whether she had ever said all of this to anyone. She had told me about herself, about the pain and the hope for the joy. I knew this was a leap of trust for her. I took her hand and I said, "Yes, we'll be happy here," and we continued walking.
We spent a glorious few days all of us together, exploring the dunes in Montauk. We saw the famous Montauk Point Lighthouse isolated against the sea and surrounded by masses of dogwood roses. The afternoon before we left we took the kids horseback riding for over an hour out in a beautiful ranch called Deep Hollow. Charlie promised that next time we would all go sailing and do a million other things. They loved her. How could they not love her she was the Pied Piper.
The morning before we left she wanted to go down to the rose garden before anyone had woken up. I was only wearing a robe and I was barefooted. "What's the mystery Charlie?"
The sun was now rising, it was still that special magical time between night and the birth of a new day. She walked me to a corner of the rose garden, which was like a maze. The walls were cascades of roses.
"Here in our rose garden, where no one can see us, in our own world," she said to me.
"Sweetheart, that's lovely, but what are you trying to say?"
"Wait. Look, it's almost dawn." She smiled and looked up.
I looked up too. It was beautiful. She faced me and stroked my face. "I want to spend my whole life with you," she said.
I smiled. "I do too," I told her.
"No, I want more than just that. I really want to spend the rest of my life with you. Forever and ever." She was being very serious. I listened carefully. She removed the ring that was just like the one she had given me from her right hand and placed it on her left. She looked into my eyes and again said. "Forever and ever." Her eyes questioned me although her mouth didn't voice a word.
I looked down at my hand and back at her. I looked down again and removed my ring and placed it in my left hand as well. As soon as I looked into her eyes I felt the warmth that radiated from them. She placed her hand behind my back and pulled me to her. Her lips were barely touching mine and she whispered, "I have never loved another as I love you," and her lips covered mine. Her kisses were warm and sensual and I committed myself to her in our rose garden that morning at dawn.
We got back to New York later that day as planned. We all had a late lunch and took the children home. I have to admit that by the time we got back to Manhattan that night I was exhausted. So it took me completely by surprise when Charlie wanted to go out.
"Don't be an old fogy, let's go," she insisted. She wanted to see a new film that had just opened.
"I can't believe you're not exhausted!"
"I'm happy and that makes me want to do things. Come on Laura."
I conceded. "Okay, but if I pass out during the film don't blame me
"Don't worry about that, I'll keep you awake," she said and I looked puzzled and then she added. "We're going to sit in the back of the theater in a dark place so we can neck." I stared at her and then we both broke out in laughter.
Charlie gave Roxanne the rest of the week off so we were by ourselves in the apartment. We would do the cooking or go out to dinner. The privacy was welcomed. It was easier to express my feelings for Charlie without an audience. I could caress her and kiss her without worrying about someone coming upon us.
The next few weeks were spent uneventfully. We would take the children on the weekends and just roam around the city during the week. We attended fashion shows and movie premiers. Life with Charlie was by no means ordinary but after awhile exhausting. During this time I still heard from Mark regularly. I even had lunch with him once or twice. I knew Charlie didn't like it but I felt that there were things that Mark and I needed to talk about.
"No more going out for awhile okay?" I finally said to her one afternoon. "Charlie, I'm exhausted. Can't we just stay home tonight?"
"If you want," she answered. Sitting down on the couch next to me, she took a lock of hair and put it behind my ear. I gave her a smile. "I'm sorry, you're really tired aren't you?" She asked with such tenderness. She got up and said "I'm going to run the tub for you. We'll take a long hot bath and turn in early tonight okay?"
I smiled and nodded, agreeing. At that moment the phone rang. Charlie picked up the extension. After saying "Hello" she said nothing else and handed the phone to me. She looked at the floor, then at me and walked out of the room.
"Hello?" I said.
"Laura, it's mom," she answered.
"Mother, yes?" She wanted to get together on Friday for lunch. "Mom, why don't you come here and have lunch with us?" I asked her. There was silence for a long while. "Mom, please come?" I asked again. "Let's try mother, please?"
"Friday at one. Is that okay?"
"Yes, that's perfect. Mom I love you."
"Yes, good-bye dear," she said and hung up the phone.
I couldn't believe what had just happened. Finally, I was making some progress. I went to find Charlie. She was running the water for the bath. She didn't look at me so I went to her and held her face turned it up to me. "Mother is coming for lunch on Friday, if that's okay with you?"
The expression on her face was that of total surprise. "She's coming for lunch here with you?" She asked in disbelief.
"And you." She just stared at me. "I'm trying Charlie," I said softly to her. She smiled and took me in her arms.
The next few days we did pretty much the same things as before, but we both knew that behind our minds, lunch on Friday was what we were really looking forward to.
That morning fresh flowers were delivered. Lunch was brought in from Le Cirque. I had made mom's favorite desert, baked pears with a glazed sugar caramel. Everything was ready. I had been ready at noon, a whole hour early. Charlie just sat in the couch looking at me pace. "Relax she'll be here soon," she said calmly but I knew she was more nervous than I was. We both knew this step was important, it would make all the difference.
One o'clock came and went. I just stared out the window. I could feel Charlie's eyes on me from the couch, but she kept silent. I looked at my watch and it was two in the afternoon. Without saying a word I turned and went out for a walk. Charlie didn't try to stop me. I needed some air.
This was never going to work, I kept telling myself. I would never, ever be able to make this work. Mom would never accept Charlie, Mark would never understand, and as for the children?I couldn't even imagine how they would handle this. I had been a fool. I actually had made myself believe that somehow I could live with Charlie and still, somehow, live an otherwise normal life. But our life was anything but normal and my mother had made me aware of that. With one blow, I had been thrown back to reality. A reality that I would have to come to terms with. I started walking back to the Tower.
When I arrived, Charlie was still sitting in the couch. I stood in front of her and said, "It doesn't matter," but she knew it did.
"Sure," she added.
"Want to go out tonight? How about that charity event you wanted to attend? Wasn't it a special performance of Tosca at the Met? Let's go. We'll get all dressed up and go to some club after," I said with faked enthusiasm. I knew she saw right through me but she got up and acted excited too.
"I think that's a great idea."
The event was being done for charity. It was incredibly crowded. Crowded enough so we wouldn't have to talk to one another and crowded enough so we could avoid the issue.
The opera was magnificent. I had never seen Tosca. And it was the first time I had been to the Met. Everywhere you looked there were chandeliers that came down from the ceilings. It was incredible.
The music from the opera really touched me. I once heard it said in a movie that if you love opera from the beginning you will always love it; if you don't, then you can learn to appreciate it. It was true. I found the music incredibly moving. Perhaps, it was the opera or the emotional state I was in but I found myself weeping. Charlie leaned over and brushed a tear away. I hadn't even realized I was doing it.
When intermission came I was glad to just be able to move. We went out into the hall and decided that champagne cocktails were in order. Charlie waited for our drinks while I went to the powder room. I fixed my makeup and went out to meet Charlie again. I had only taken a few steps when I saw Lyle walking over with a beautiful redhead. He was blocking my way so I had no other alternative than to acknowledge his presence.
"Hello Laura," he said first and extended his hand.
"Hi Lyle." I shook his hand.
"Are you alone?"
"No, I'm here with Charlie," I said.
"Oh, I'm sorry, where are my manners. Christabel Cannon, this is Laura Cole."
"Hello," said Christabel, looking at her fingernails, and then looking around the crowd.
"Christabel, Laura is Charlotte's new friend," said Lyle.
I had her attention now. "My condolences," she said with a grim look on her face.
"Christabel was Charlotte's friend once upon a time, that's why I named my boat after her," said Lyle.
"Well, I hope she treats you better than she treated me. At least I wasn't handed over to you dear, like all the others," she said looking at Lyle.
I was lost. "What are you talking about?" I didn't understand at all.
"Christabel was Charlotte's lover for about six months before Charlotte and Karl took that fateful cruise," replied Lyle.
All of a sudden I felt sick. "I don't understand," was all I could say.
"What is there to understand? The bitch dumped me. She had set her sights on some woman in advertising. That's why she went on that ill-fated voyage of hers. She probably doesn't know how lucky she and her husband were," she finished saying.
Lyle was smiling. I felt like the room was turning and I couldn't move. It was too much of a coincidence. It must be a lie. No, she couldn't be talking about Mark and me. It had to be impossible.
"And who comforted you when you were lonely?" Lyle was saying with sarcasm.
"Please, I knew about the game you two played. I wasn't going to fall for that one," she said. She was looking at me now. "They would set up some poor woman and when Charlotte got tired and dumped her Lyle, charming Lyle, would ride in and comfort her." She was laughing now.
"What woman in advertising?" I asked.
"Oh I don't know. I guess that didn't work out." She turned to Lyle. "Let's get some champagne shall we?"
I pressed on. "You're lying!" I said to her. "You're lying. Charlie has never been with another woman."
She looked me straight in the eye. "Why would I lie? You can ask anyone, it's not a secret. Charlotte has been with a lot of women and men for that matter."
All I could do was stare in shock. I looked past them and I saw Charlie's face. She was walking over and stopped for a second when she realized that I was with Lyle and Christabel Cannon and her smile disappeared. She started walking towards us very quickly then. When she reached us, she was only looking at me. I just stared at her. "What's wrong?" She asked.
"Aren't you even going to say hello to me Charlotte?" asked Christabel.
Charlie ignored the question. "What did they say to you?" she asked me. Still, I was unable to speak.
"You bitch, you can at least acknowledge me, after all the times you fucked me!" Exclaimed Christabel.
My eyes closed in pain and when I opened them, I saw the real Charlotte Catherine Von Steiben.
"Shut up!" She yelled at Christabel.
Lyle grabbed Christabel by the arm. "Let's go. Laura and CHARLIE have a lot to talk about," he said.
Charlie handed them the drinks, not even looking at them and they walked away. We just stood there in silence. My eyes filled with unshed tears. The bell rang. Intermission was over. Everyone was to go back to their seats. Her hand reached out and she took a step towards me, but stopped when I stepped back. "Let me talk to you please?" She asked softly.
I could see the fear in her eyes. At that moment, I realized that it was all true. All those things that Lyle and that woman had said were true. I shook my head and closed my eyes wanting to shut out the truth I knew I had heard. I ran into the crowd and away from her. I got into a cab. I heard her call my name as it pulled away.
Six hours later, in the middle of the night, I was knocking on my mother's door. Mom opened the door half-asleep and was surprised to see me standing there, in long evening dress no less. She opened the door wider and I walked in. She didn't ask any questions and I gave no explanations. She could see that I was very distraught and just took me to one of the bedrooms upstairs, got me some pajamas and, like when I was a little girl, tucked me into bed. She sat at the edge of the bed and patted my hand. As she was going to get up, I reached out for her. She looked at me and I went into her arms and began sobbing. The tears just seemed to come and there was no way to stop them. She held me tightly and rocked me like when I had been a child. I couldn't let go so like when I was little and frightened, mom slept with me and kept me safe through the night.
When I woke up the next morning she was already downstairs making breakfast. In a chair next to the bed was a pair of slacks and a blouse along with some sandals. I got dressed and went downstairs. "Here, sit here and have some breakfast and then you can go for a walk on the beach. Your father always felt better after taking a walk on the beach." She was rambling. I knew she didn't want to know why I was there. She had probably guessed I had had a fight with Charlie or something like that. So like when daddy was alive, mom and I played the same game. She would make believe that nothing was wrong and hope that things would work themselves out. So many years I had resented her for this attitude and that morning seating there, having my breakfast I realized we were the same. I was the same.
I finished my breakfast and went for a walk. It was really lovely here. So peaceful; a view of how the world must have been like. All the architecture was Victorian. Pretty houses and pretty flowers, all remnants of a once beautiful era being carefully preserved. It was somehow comforting looking at these houses from long ago.
Mother had called Mark before I had gotten up. He was going to bring the children down for the weekend. I had such an ache in my chest. It hurt so much. All I could think of was that she had lied to me. She had used me. I loved her and she had used me. I had let her. My God, even after what she did to me that time in the house at the Hamptons. Just the thought of that day made me wince with the memory of the pain. Even after all that, I had stayed with her. I forgave her. I forgave her and I had still loved her. All the times we were together she must have been laughing at me. It had all been a lie. I trusted her. I had believed that she loved me. All those times on the island?all those times in Greece that she had made love to me. It was all a lie. She had used me. I meant nothing to her. I had been one in a string of some sort of sick games she played. I sat down on the sand and hid my face. I couldn't make it stop hurting. Oh God, when would it stop hurting?
A few hours later I was walking back home on the beach when, at a distance, I saw the kids running towards me and Mark walking behind them. Oh God, it was wonderful to see them. I stretched out my arms and they were filled with them. I got hugs and kisses and when I opened my eyes I saw Mark smiling down at me. He put his hand out and I took it and we walked back together with the kids running around in front of us being chased by Binky. We must have made a pretty picture to someone looking on. A man and a woman holding hands walking on the beach with two children and a puppy playing in front of them. This picture was not lost on me.
Mother lived on one of the privately owned houses across the street from the beach. When we got to the house lunch was already set. We all sat down and had burgers and fries. The kids started talking about their new pet turtles that daddy had brought home and what they ate.
Josh was the one that asked for her. "Where's Charlie? Is she coming later?" He asked, looking at me.
Mom answered. "She had to stay in New York."
"That's too bad, she's great fun," said Ashley.
Mark suggested that we rent one of those surreys and ride around Cape May. The kids wanted to try it and I wanted to too. We had played happy family the whole day and it felt good. This I understood. I knew what to expect. So, when Mark asked me out to dinner, I accepted. Mother thought it was wonderful and she would take care of the children. "We'll rent some videos, you two go and have a good time," she said.
We went to a wonderful little restaurant in the middle of Cape May called The Rose Garden. It was small and cozy and it derived its character from a huge fireplace and hanging copper pots. We were fortunate enough to have gotten a table out under the terrace. It was a warm night but you could feel a light breeze and the candlelight on the pristinely white tablecloths gave it a veiled atmosphere.
We talked and laughed. It was pleasant to see myself with Mark in the reflection of a glass. I knew him. I could trust him. I might even be able to salvage my life with him. After all, we had been happy once. He loved me and he wanted me back. He reached out and held my hand. "I can't tell you how much I love you," he said.
"Mark?" I began to say but he interrupted.
"We'll go slow, okay? No pressure, just a moment at a time." He picked up my hand and brought it up to his lips. "I'll get you back no matter how long it takes."
"Mark, I wish it were that simple," I said.
"It is," he responded. "We'll be happy again." He was looking down at my hands. "That ring, who gave it to you?" He asked looking seriously at me.
"Charlie, it was Charlie." I looked down at it and turned it and turned it around my finger.
"Oh, for a minute I thought I might have a rival," he finished saying with a smile.
"No, no rivals, I'm quite alone," I answered with a bittersweet quality in my voice that he probably mistook for a longing of our past life.
"We'll be happy again Laura, and I'll make you forget all this," he said as he leaned over and kissed me lightly. We decided to take a walk after dinner.
It was a beautiful night. On the corner a few blocks away were horse drawn carriages that Cape May is well known for. Mark grabbed my hand and said, "Let's go, come on." I smiled back and we hopped on.
It was a slow ride through the entire town. It was a warm night and everything was alive, you could even smell the flowers. At a distance you could hear the ocean.
Mark put his arms around me and they felt strong. I just leaned into his chest and felt safe. The carriage left us on the beach and we walked slowly, hand in hand without saying a word. The sound of the ocean was soft and when Mark pulled me into his arms I didn't fight him. His kisses were as they had always been, warm and sensual. And when he pressed me harder against him I didn't pull away. We walked back to the house holding each other. When we got there, everyone was asleep. As we were going up the stairs quietly he held me in place and started kissing me again.
I remembered how he would hold me when he wanted me. We started going up the stairs again and when we got to the door of my room he took me in his arms once more. I felt the door open behind me. He picked me up and closed the door behind us. He put me down on the bed. I tried to speak but his kisses silenced my protest. He was caressing my body and I realized that I wanted him too.
He started unbuttoning my blouse slowly while teasing my mouth with his tongue. When he removed it he stepped back and just looked at me before his hands went and cupped by breasts. Within a second he was above me on the bed. I felt the weight of his body on me. He sat up above me and quickly removed his shirt. And again I felt him but this time his flesh was touching mine. His mouth went down and started nibbling at my breast while his hands were removing the buttons of my slacks. His kisses were trailing down my stomach as he was pulling off the remainder of my clothes. He stood in front of me and removed his trousers. I felt his warm body on mine and it responded. He took his time to satisfy me. Slowly his hands caressed me and his mouth would tease me. He would tease one nipple with his hand and suck at the other. My flesh cried out for him to take me.
"Mark, please!" I exclaimed. I couldn't wait any longer. I wanted
him. His mouth took my lips and I felt my legs open wider to welcome him inside
me. "Mark, please, now!" I could no longer stand the wanting. At that
moment I felt the thrust. It took me a little by surprise. It had been so long.
"It's okay honey, you'll get used to it again. Oh God, it's like when you were a virgin."
I could feel his passion with every thrust of his body into mine. My body rose up to meet his. I had missed him. My body responded with the memory of him. And at that moment, I remembered another time. The time that Charlie had hurt me and the difference.
He slowed down and kept the rhythm slow and even. He wanted to wait until I would shake with pleasure as I used to. And when I started to groan as I was climbing into orgasm his body responded in incredible thrusting motions and pleasure sated us both. He laid on me holding me tight. We were both drenched in perspiration. He sat up and pulled me up to him. "I love you," he whispered in my ear and then he started once again to kiss me. The kisses led us again into the throws of passion. After making love to me again, I laid in his arms for the rest of the night.
The light of day brought the realization of the night before. I woke up in bed with Mark. I got up gradually so as not to wake him. My body felt lethargic. I had a sense of satisfaction and ease that I had not felt for a long time. I looked back at him sleeping soundly in bed and I smiled to myself. I went straight to the shower. When I finished my toilette Mark was still fast asleep so I went down to the kitchen. Mom was already up. She looked at me and smiled. "Did you have a nice evening?"
"We had a nice dinner," I said, and as I sat down she handed me a cup of coffee.
"You and Mark," she said.
I looked up at her. "There's no me and Mark, yet," I said to her and started drinking my coffee.
"There's no rush. You can stay here and take your time."
"I don't want to hurt anyone mother. I want to make sure I know what I'm doing. I don't want to hurt anymore," I said to her softly.
She stood next to me and caressed my head. "You take all the time you need dear, no one is going to rush you," she finished saying and went to the stove to start breakfast. Mother always knew when to pull back. She knew that Mark and I had slept together and she was betting on that. She played it safe and would let time work its magic.
Within the next half-hour, the kids came down for breakfast followed by Mark. When he saw me he walked over and kissed me good morning an action not lost on my mother who smiled back at me and turned away.
We decided to spend the day at the beach with the children. So we headed down toward the beach with a lunch basket, an umbrella and beach toys. As soon as we settled down the kids ran into the water and we sat down to watch on. "Come back home with me Laura," he asked softly.
"I can't, not yet." I said to him. I looked at him and hoped he would realize that I needed time to think things through. "I need to be sure. It's been so long. We're not the same people anymore."
"No, we're not," he agreed.
"I just want to know that I'm making the right decision. I want to be sure that we can live together again. It's not just you and me Mark, I don't want to hurt the children."
He looked towards were the children were playing. "Yes, you're right. The last thing I want is for them to suffer like when they thought you dead." He looked at me. "I'll wait. Try not to take too long. It's a miracle we got another chance, don't blame me if I want to start as soon as possible."
"No, oh no?I understand. I want to be sure that when we are together again that it will be forever." He didn't pressure me anymore. He was considerate and loving. He would be supportive as he had always been and I would always know where I stood with him.
We spent a wonderful day at the beach with the kids. They left a little after seven that evening. The children had day camp that they were looking forward to. As they drove away, for a moment I wished I had gone with them. Later that night mother and I went for a walk. Cape May is really a pretty place to live.
The next morning, I found myself feeling depressed. I no longer had the children to fill my time or Mark to make me forget. Mother, I couldn't talk to. I went to the window and it was cloudy. A storm was coming; you could feel it in the weight of the air.
I went down for breakfast. As usual my mother was already up. She bade me to sit and handed me a cup of coffee. "What would you like?" she asked.
"I'm not really hungry mom," I said to her.
"You're still too thin. I'll make you some eggs," she said as she went to the refrigerator and started to take things out.
"Mom, really I'm not hungry. I don't eat much for breakfast anymore."
"That was then this is now." She started cooking, ignoring me altogether.
"Why do you always do that!" I exclaimed. "Why don't you listen? I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry mom." I started to sob. She just stood there staring at me, not moving. "I'm hurt mom. I can't get passed this. I love her!" I said sobbing.
"Don't say that, I don't want to hear that!" She turned around and started making the eggs. I cleaned my face and didn't say another word. She put the eggs in front of me and I ate them.
I felt weary, and so I went to the ocean and started walking along the shore. I could close my eyes and feel myself one with the air and the rush of the water. I remembered the white sand and the light blue water and I remembered her. The woman I had loved with every part of me on that island. She had become such a part of me that I could not imagine my life without her. I had wanted her.
It had all been a lie. She had never loved me. She had used me. Dear God, that first time?that first time that we made love I felt such guilt. I dropped to the sand and covered my face. The tears just came. I loved her. Oh God, how I loved her. Before she had hurt me, when she was just my Charlie. When I had wanted to love her and protect her. I had wanted to erase all the pain in her life and fill it with tenderness. And it had all been a game. She had set me up and had used me like an object.
And Mark?how could I have just stopped loving him? He was the one that really loved me. He never stopped showing it, even now with his patience and thoughtfulness. How could I just not have thought of my love for him? I had betrayed him. Every moment I succumbed to her enticement, I had betrayed him.
I sat there looking out at the ocean for a long time. I felt no hunger, no desire. All I felt was this emptiness in the middle of my chest. This pain that would not go away. So I sat there, listening. Listening to the calming sounds of the sea. And when it started getting dark I started walking back.
I walked into the kitchen and I could tell that mother was concerned but she said nothing. I sat down on a chair and laid my head back closing my eyes. I felt tired. I must have dozed off. I saw myself running and someone was chasing me. I was afraid. I could feel the fear rising up within me. The person chasing me was getting closer and I was getting tired until I tripped and fell. I saw a knife and I felt it going through me. And as I screamed, the sound woke me with a start. Mother had put a blanket over me.
She walked into the room and called me to the kitchen for dinner. "I heard you," she said not looking at me.
"You were dreaming of her," she said to me.
"What? No, mom, I was having a nightmare." I told her.
"You cried out 'don't, don't Charlie'." She was now looking directly at me.
"I?" and I started to try to remember the dream and at the end I realized it had been her. She was the one who had killed me. "No, you must have been mistaken," I said and started to eat.
"You know right from wrong, Laura," she said softly. "
It's never been that simple mom," I answered. And I started to drink my soup. I felt empty inside but it wasn't from lack of nourishment.
"Mark can help you to be who you were," she persisted.
"I will never be who I was, don't you know that mom?" I put down the spoon. I couldn't eat. "I will never be that woman. Never again. I don't know where the woman I was is. Nothing will ever be the same. I don't want to hurt Mark." I got up and went upstairs. I crawled into bed and went to sleep. Again I dreamt the same dream. And I woke up in a cold sweat. I was cold. I was alone. Sleeping alone with no one to hold me. Perhaps I should go back to Mark. After all, he did love me. I had made him happy before and the children would have both their parents.
I took a deep breath and just laid back looking at the ceiling. In the dark I could hear the sound of the ocean. I could close my eyes and hear the water rushing to shore. I could see how the moon would make the surf sparkle when it hit the reefs in the island. I remembered how beautiful it had been and as I walked I could see two figures at the edge of shore, intertwined. I kept walking towards them and as I got closer I could make out the faces. They were Charlie's and mine. My eyes flew open. I got up and decided to go and wait for the sunrise on the beach.
Two weeks later all was still the same. Mark had called every day. The children kept telling me all the things they were doing at camp. I wish they had stayed with me. With them here I wouldn't have time to think or feel this pain that would not let me be.
Mark had been incredibly busy but he promised to come the following weekend. He wanted to talk and all I wanted was silence. I had walked into something I couldn't handle or didn't feel I could handle again.
One day seemed to drift into another. They were all the same to me. I would catch my mother staring at me. I could see the concern in her eyes but I never heard her utter a word or ask me another question. I had no one to tell. No one to voice my pain to. We lived like two strangers in a house that we tried to get lost in. We'd go out of our way not to meet so as to avoid the awkwardness. I had taken to spending more time at the beach. I would just go and look out into the ocean. It was the only place that I could allow myself to feel my pain. There was no one but me and the sound of the sea. I was loosing weight yet I felt no hunger. At some point I would tell myself that mother would be worried so I started walking back to the house. After dinner I would come back again.
One day, I walked into the house and sat down to dinner and she said, "I made you a nice shepherd's pie."
"That's fine mom" I answered. She put the food on the table and sat down to eat with me. I ate a few spoonfuls but I couldn't make myself eat anymore.
"She has called everyday," she said suddenly.
My head went up. I just stared at her. I was looking into her eyes. She saw the pain in mine and looked away. "It doesn't matter anymore mother," I told her and ate a little more of her pie. I got up and was going out again.
"Wait, take a shawl, it's suppose to get cool later." She placed the shawl around my shoulders. She just kept looking at the shawl then she looked up into my eyes but said nothing. She kissed me on the cheek and walked back to the kitchen.
As I saw her walk away I felt the loneliness in me grow. Why couldn't you just have held me, mom? Why couldn't we talk? I went for my walk.
The part of the beach that I would go to was always empty. I would sit and see the sun disappear into the ocean. If you looked real carefully you could feel the sizzle when the sun would meet the ocean.
I was lost but I didn't need to be. I could go back to Mark, my old life and try to forget these past few years. I could close my eyes and make all the pain and her betrayal disappear. I would wake up and realize that it had all been a bad dream. I closed my eyes and wished that it were so. And as I tried to become one with the sound of the sea I heard her voice call my name.
"Laura," I heard it softly. I would will her away and put her memory where it could never hurt me again.
"Laura." I heard again. And when I turned around I was not surprised to see her standing a few feet away from me. I looked out at the ocean again. "Let me talk to you," her voice pleaded softly. "I need to talk to you, to explain."
"I don't want to talk to you." I started to walk away.
"WAIT! Please wait!" She yelled in desperation.
I turned to look at her. I just stared. She spoke again. "I love you," she whispered.
"Oh please. Just stop it, stop it!" I yelled at her. "I don't want to play this sick game of yours anymore!" I screamed at her. "I hate you! I hate you!"
She just stood there staring. So I continued to yell. "You used me! You set me up and you lied to me! You made me think that I was the one who had seduced you! You knew I felt guilty and you used that against me! That's not love!" I finished and just stood there, staring back at her. "I don't know what hole you crawled out of, but I've had enough! You made me love you and then you stuck a knife inside me and turned it." I had run out of words, so I started walking away from her again.
"I love you," she said again.
I turned to look at her.
She began to speak now, slowly, staring at sea. "I lied to you. I was the one who seduced you. I set you up, that's true too. I had seen you at a business cocktail party and I went after you. I didn't care what I had to do. I had done it a million times before. When you went on the cruise, I went with Karl. I told Karl that night that he had been replaced. I lashed out and he was the closest one. You had been with Mark all those days in the cabin, so I retaliated. I got rid of Karl and then Mark to be with you."
As she continued and I stared at her in horror. "Getting marooned was a lucky break. I had you all to myself. I never counted on falling in love. It drove me crazy. When we got off the island I lived in terror that you would find out about all the lies. Every day I tried to control everything around you so you wouldn't even suspect the truth. I had planned everything. I had planned out everything in my life, but I had never planned to fall in love with you." Now she was looking at me.
"I don't believe a word you're saying," I told her.
"Why? Why can't you believe that I love you?"
"Because all I've ever heard from you are lies."
"The truth was ugly. I was afraid you would leave me," she said to me.
"Many times I asked you to trust me. I told you I could forgive you anything. I thought our relationship was based on trust. YOU BETRAYED ME!" I yelled in the end.
She fell to the sand. "I didn't think you would love me if you knew all the ugliness of my past, of my life before I met you."
"Now we'll never know," I said to her.
"So you're going to leave me?" She asked still. I said nothing. She looked tired. "I knew you would leave me. Everyone leaves me." She continued to talk as if talking to herself and not to me. "She left me too. She would punish me and hit me with daddy's belt. She once hurt me so much that I had to go to hospital. No one ever questioned it. My parents were too wealthy. Dr. Schaefer took care of it. He always took care of it. It was my fault anyway, she said that daddy didn't love her as much as me. She would give her roses more love than she ever gave me. That day, in the garden, they started fighting because of me. Daddy had seen the bruises on my back, then she said all those terrible things." She kept talking and all I could do was just look at her is surprise.
"It was my fault that she left, I was bad. She said I was bad. He loved her. He loved her even after he knew all the terrible things she did to me. And after he found out I wasn't his daughter he didn't want to see me anymore.
"I remember the day it happened. I was playing outside in the garden, and he called me. He called me and I ran inside to him. I went into his study and he was standing near his desk. He stood there and put the gun to his forehead, and before he pulled the trigger, he said that I was not his, that I was her bastard. I still remember the smell of gunpowder and the blood all over my clothes. That's how Dr. Schaefer found me in the study with daddy. There was blood all over. I kept washing my hands but even now they still feel dirty with his blood." As she finished she was looking at her hands.
I didn't know what to say to her. I stood there and she was staring out at the ocean now. She finally looked at me in a dazed way and said, "I can't go back to living the way I used to. I can't bear the thought of not having you. You're the only person that has loved me and all I did was hurt you. OH GOD! All I did was hurt you! I love you! All I want to do is love you but I don't know how." Looking down at her hands, she spoke now very softly. "I hurt you. You loved me, and I hurt you. I know you'll never come back now. I know. I also know I can't?I can't live without you, I won't."
I saw her reach for something inside her wrap. It was a razor blade. I stared in horror as she slashed her wrist and started to bleed. As she was going to slash the other one, I rushed over to her and started trying to take the razor from her. I finally took it away but she was already bleeding to death.
"Oh my God, oh my God!" I said over and over. I was holding her wrist trying to put pressure of her wound. I started pulling her towards the street. She was crying and kept saying that she wanted to die.
When we reached the street I pulled a car over. And when the man saw what was happening he drove us to the emergency room. I sat with her in the back seat of that car.
"I want to die," she kept mumbling.
"No," I told her over and over. "No." And I meant it. I didn't want her to die. She had hurt me, hurt me so much, but I could not bear the thought of her death.
She lost consciousness and I began to be afraid. Oh God, she could die. We reached the hospital within minutes. She was taken on a stretcher. They kept running all over. I just stood there feeling helpless. All I could do was stand there and look at her as the life was oozing out of her.
I was walked out and asked to wait outside. I protested. I wanted to be there with her. But, they said I would be in the way. So I went to the waiting room. I sat there, looking at the floor, for what seemed like a lifetime. I started crying and didn't stop, until I couldn't cry anymore.
How had my life led me to this moment? But, it wasn't that simple. The only person to blame for my plight was Charlie. She had put us both here. If I had never met her, I would be happily married to Mark, living with my children far away from all this pain and uncertainty. What could I do now? I couldn't leave her. What about Mark? God, what could I do?
I looked up when a nurse stood in front of me, expecting her tell me that she had died. Instead, she was led me to one of the curtained off rooms in the emergency room.
"She's very weak. You shouldn't be here, but she won't calm down. She keeps asking for you and the doctor thought it best to bring you in," she said.
I walked in and immediately saw her on the hospital bed. Her eyes were closed and she was so pale. She looked small and defenseless and God, so white. I walked slowly to her. My hand brushed her cheek and her eyes flew open. She was going to speak but I placed my finger on her lips. No words were necessary. Her eyes were pleading. My hand reached for hers and I caressed her forehead. She just stared at me and the tears rolled down my face again.
"Don't leave me," she sobbed.
"No, shhhh," I said to her. My lips lightly touched hers. "No, I won't." Her hand hung on to mine. "Rest now. The doctor wants you to rest," I insisted.
"I'm afraid to close my eyes. Suppose I wake up and you're gone?" She started to get agitated again.
I squeezed her hand and put my face very close to hers. "I'm here, I'm here," I whispered.
"Will you stay?"
Her eyes filled with tears again. "I'm sorry," she sobbed.
The nurse interrupted us. "You have to go out Miss. I'm sorry but she needs rest."
"No, I want her here," Charlie protested.
The nurse wouldn't take no for an answer. "She can come in a little later, but right now you need to let that sedative take effect."
Charlie was about to argue again when I spoke, "I'm going to be right outside. You have to rest. I'll be outside, I promise," I said to her lovingly.
"You won't leave?"
"No." I kissed her lovingly on the mouth. She smiled and I followed the nurse out, going back to the waiting room. I finally noticed that I was all covered in blood. I went to the rest room and started washing some of it off.
I kept scrubbing and scrubbing my hands until I started backing away from the sink and felt the wall on my back. I felt overwhelmed with emotion and started sobbing uncontrollably as I slid down the wall onto the floor. After awhile I got myself together and went out to wait for news of Charlie.
Two hours later and there was still no news so I went looking for the nurse. "Nurse? Please, is there any news? Is she going to be all right?"
"The slash on her wrist was deep. They've ordered a portable x-ray to see if there's any damage to the tendons. She's lost a lot of blood, but she's resting peacefully now," she told me.
I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders and my eyes closed as I ran my fingers through my hair.
"Are you all right? Go home and we'll call--"
I didn't let her finish. "No, I'll wait. I promised I would be here."
"The business office needs some information. Can you furnish them with what they need?" She asked.
"Yes, of course."
After going to the business office I walked back and waited for news. I needed clothes, which meant I would have to call mother. I could tell she was worried as soon as she answered the phone. Her voice was stressed. I told her I was all right but that there had been an accident and I needed her to bring me some clothes.
She walked in through the emergency room door about twenty minutes later. As soon as she saw me she froze on the spot. I was still covered in blood. I walked over to her and reassured her that it was not my blood. I took the clothes and went to the bathroom to change as she waited for me in the waiting room. A few minutes later I joined her.
"What happened Laura? Who's blood was it all over you?" She asked.
I looked her in the eyes and said "Charlie's."
She stared at me. "What happened?"
"She tried to kill herself," I said and walked to the window. I didn't want to see the expressions on her face.
When she spoke to me she sounded very calm. "You were covered in her blood. Did she try to hurt you?"
I turned to face her. "No, no" I answered quickly.
"Don't let this change your mind, Laura," she stated flatly. I knew what she meant. "You are doing what's right now. You belong with Mark. This other thing with you and her is a sin. You know that."
I turned my back to her again. She stood up and went to stand next to me. "Laura? Did you hear me? No more. Come home with me now Laura. Right now, let's go!" She said and she grabbed my arm.
"I can't mother, I can't leave." I looked out the window. She just stood there next to me. "I can't leave her like this."
"Don't you understand that this can't ever be? It's unnatural. You have to let go of this obsession. You're going to lose your children!" She knew exactly what to say. I felt a flinch of pain and it showed. Her point had hit home. "Come with me Laura. Nothing good can come of this. Let's walk away from this. What you two were doing was wrong, nothing can make it right, you know that."
As I was about to answer the nurse came. "Ms Cole, she's awake and asking to see you," said the nurse. Mother put an arm out to stop me. I looked at her and at the nurse. Then I went to Charlie.
She was awake when I walked in. "Hi," I said as I walked towards her. I took her hand and kissed her lightly on the lips. She smiled. She was still very pale.
"I wanted to see--" she started to say.
"Your clothes?" She asked, noticing that I had changed them.
"My mother, she brought them," I answered simply.
Her eyes searched mine. "Will you stay?"
The nurse walked in. "All right, Ms Von Steiben, as you can see, she's here. Now you must get some rest." That was my cue to go out.
"You'll be close by?" She asked anxiously
"Yes." I repeated.
"Kiss, me," she said. And I did.
The nurse escorted me out. By now she must know what my relationship with Charlie was but she didn't let on. When I got back to the waiting room mother had gone. I tried calling the house but there was no answer. I tried a few minutes later and she picked up.
"Mom," I said into the receiver.
"I can't help you with this Laura. You know how I feel. I just hope you come to your senses before you loose everything. I won't accept this between you. If you go back to her you'll be alone." She finished and hung up.
I placed the receiver back and sat down to wait. I must have been back in the waiting room no less then half an hour when I saw Dr. Schaefer barge in. He saw me immediately, and walked towards me.
"Where is she?" He asked anxiously.
I pointed to the door and he rushed over to her. I sat down again. I prayed, surely my mother was wrong. Would God really abandon me now? If I asked him to help her, he would. Had he stopped listening? I felt like I would go mad.
"Would you like some coffee?" I heard a gentle voice ask. I looked up and saw that it was the nurse. "I'm Anne. You've been here for hours now, why don't you go get some rest?"
"No, I can't. I said I would be close by."
"Would you like to talk to a counselor?" I looked up at this.
"I'm her doctor," said Dr. Schaefer, standing behind her. "Thank you nurse, I'll take care of this."
She got up and walked away and he sat next to me. "Charlotte told me everything," he stated and I looked away. "Will you really stay? I need to know. She tried this with sleeping pills last week."
I stared at him in disbelief. "Are you saying?she tried to kill herself before today?" I asked in horror.
"Last week she took a bottle of sleeping pills. If Roxanne hadn't gone in to check on her she would have gotten her wish," he answered, running his fingers through his hair.
"Oh, dear God."
He was very distraught. "I thought that she was going to die. She almost
did. I don't know what I would have done," he was rambling. "She was
always so head strong, just like her mother. When Stuart died I should have
done something. I should have done something."
I just listened. "I should have taken her then. God knows her mother had no great love for her. After she left, Stuart just ignored her. I was her father. I should have done something." As he finished, I could only stare and listen. Dr. Schaefer was Charlie's father!
"Does she know?" I asked.
"Yes, she knows. She wants nothing to do with me. Only calls when she gets into some kind of trouble that I can get her out of. She knows I'll come. Always she pushes the bounds of excess to the limit. My daughter was on a destruction course before you. I sometimes thought that she wanted to destroy herself to punish me.
"I had never seen her express love for anyone until I saw her with you
that day in that island infirmary. Charlotte has never shown affection to anyone,
not since that day I found her in a pool of blood next to Stuart. Life just
seemed a game to her, she took what she wanted regardless of the consequences
or who it would hurt. Something was different with you. I believe she genuinely
loves you as much as she is capable of?an emotion totally alien to her. And
when you left, she just believed it was better to die.
"Life was always a game to her, but last week I could tell it was different. She wanted to die. I thought I would lose her. Then she opened her eyes and started crying. Like a child she clung to me. Never has she ever shown me anything but disdain. I had failed her when she was a child, but last week my daughter needed me and she clung to me for support. That's when she told me all that had happened between you two." He was now looking at me. "She cried and cried and nothing would console her.
"Laura, I know I have no right to ask. I know I probably shouldn't ask. She told me all about what she's done to you; the lies, the deceit, including what happened at the Hamptons." As he said this, I looked away. "But, Laura, she's my daughter. I'm afraid of what she'll do. Will you go back to New York with her?" As he asked he put his hand in mine and I put mine on top of his. I looked up into his anxious face.
"Yes," I told him as tears rolled down my face. We sat there together Charlie's father and I. We were both tied to her, he by blood and I by an invisible string.
He went back to Charlie and I sat and waited. During the night she was moved to a private room. As Charlie would say Dr. Schaefer did his part. She was admitted under the diagnosis of "accidental laceration of the left metacarpal." My life had become intertwined with hers again.
I had been in the hospital for over twenty-four hours and I looked tired. I walked into Charlie's room and was glad to see that she was beginning to regain her coloring. "Finally, that nurse is a tyrant, she wouldn't let me see you. Are you all right?" She looked a little concerned as she asked.
"Of course she's not all right," answered Dr. Schaefer. She looked at him in surprise as he continued. "She's hardly slept in these past two days and I'm sure she's barely eaten anything."
"I'm fine," I interrupted.
"No, you're not!" He persisted.
She was looking at me now. "You've had a hard time haven't you?" She asked.
I looked into her eyes and she saw the pain in them. She put her hand out to me and I took it as I sat next to her on the bed.
"She should get some sleep," Dr. Schaefer said gently, placing his hand on my shoulder, a detail not missed by Charlie.
"Charles, I need to speak with Laura," she said and he left the room. "What's happened? It's your mother isn't it?" She asked softly.
"No, it's fine," I said to her.
"Sure it is. She wants nothing to do with you right?" She knew the answer, I didn't have to say a word. "I'm checking out of here and we can go back home."
"You can't do that! You have to stay in the hospital as long as they say!" I protested.
"Watch me." She started trying to get up.
"Don't do this to me, Charlie, I can't take anymore!" I started sobbing. "I can't handle anymore, please stop, just stop!"
Dr. Schaefer must have heard because he walked in. I couldn't stop sobbing and he walked over to me. He took me into his arms and told Charlie to stay in bed. "It's all right Laura, you can let it out." He said as my body started shaking. "I'll give you something to calm your nerves." He began stroking my hair. "It's the strain dear, just calm down." He helped me to sit down.
For some reason I didn't want to look in Charlie's direction. I knew she was staring. He gave me a tablet and a glass of water. I took it.
"What did you give her?" asked Charlie.
"Something to calm her nerves. She could do with some sleep, and by the looks of things she's lost a lot of weight since the last time I saw her." He spoke to her as if I weren't there.
My head fell back on the chair and I felt myself drifting off to sleep. "Let up Charlotte. Think of her, or she's going to be here in the hospital with you too." He told her and I heard nothing else after that.
I was warm and weightless but I felt safe and loved. I could feel arms around me. My body responded and sought lips that I knew would fill me with warmth and tenderness. And in the darkness I found peace and lips to kiss. My eyes opened and the face I saw through veils of darkness became clear. A deep smile greeted me. It was finally clear. It was Mark.
And with that realization my eyes flew open. I looked around and I could see the light of a sunrise drifting through the blinds. I looked around me realizing that I was in Charlie's hospital room.
It felt like I was coming out of a daze as everything came back slowly. I could see Charlie on the phone and gradually the cobwebs started to clear and I could hear her voice. I had a cover on me; I must have fallen asleep on the chair.
Suddenly, Charlie became aware that I was awake, gave me a smile and got off the phone. "Do you feel better?" she asked from her bed.
"I feel a little groggy but yes, I feel better I guess." I answered.
"I promise to behave, okay?" She said, searching my face for what she may find. I shook my head. "You were dreaming. I remember back on the island when you would dream and start talking in your sleep."
"I never knew I spoke in my sleep. Did I say anything?" I asked her, anticipating the response.
She looked at me for a moment before answering. "No," she finally said and smiled.
"How long have I been asleep?" I asked as I started to get up from the chair to stretch my legs.
"For about nine hours." She put her hand out to me.
I reached for hers and walked over to her. "I can't believe I slept that long!" I said in surprise.
"Charles was right, you have lost weight. I'm sorry. I'm to blame for your being so unhappy." Her voice was filled with sadness.
"It doesn't matter, that was then and this is now. Let's try not to hurt each other anymore okay?" I asked her and I meant it. "I'm willing to try Charlie, are you?"
She was looking deeply into my eyes and I thought I could also see into hers. Then she spoke. "Yes, I want to. Nothing will come between us again. I won't let it," she said and I knew she meant every word.
I called Mark and canceled my weekend plans. I said to him that Charlie had an accident and she needed me. He was disappointed and wanted to know when he could see me again. We had to talk, he insisted and we had a lifetime to plan. Ultimately, he understood of course, and hoped that we would see each other as soon as I got back to New York.
Two days later we were back in New York. Charles had returned with us. He insisted, saying that he wanted to make sure Charlie would settle in properly. Things between them were civil at best. Charlie would go out of her way to ignore him and when she didn't she was incredibly cruel in the things she would say to him. Things had gone from bad to worse between them. It made no sense to me. I thought that after what Charles had told me in the hospital about what had happened between them, Charlie would be closer to him. But it was the opposite. She seemed to resent his attention.
And the afternoon of our arrival it was an all out war. "LET GO!" She yelled, pulling her arm away.
"Charlotte, I'm only trying to help," he said to her.
"I don't need your help! I don't need you!" She was fuming. They both stood their ground and I was merely a spectator.
Finally, Charlie spoke first "GET OUT! I don't need you anymore! GO!" She yelled at the top of her lungs. He just stood there staring at her, and then he turned and started going towards the elevator.
"Charles, wait! Charlie stop this!" I spoke to both of them.
"Don't interfere in this Laura, you don't understand," she told me.
"Yes, yes I do," I said gently to her. I reached out for her arm and I could visibly see her body relax. I looked in to her eyes and said softly to her. "Peace, Charlie. Remember? No more pain. Let's try okay?"
She looked at me and said nothing but she didn't object either. She looked towards Charles and then started walking to the bedroom.
I turned to Charles. "Be patient, she'll come around."
He had been looking in her direction as she had walked away and now was looking at me. "Perhaps." He smiled briefly, touched my face and walked into the elevator. I went to look for her.
"Charlie?" I started to say when I saw her lean and hang on to the chair closest to her. She was pale. I rushed to her side. "Oh God, you've done too much. To bed with you." I helped her to lie down. She did not even attempt to protest. She closed her eyes and I became immediately concerned. "I'll go catch up with Charles," I said but as I was about to go she held on to me and her eyes flew open.
"NO! No, I just need to rest. Stay here with me. All I need is you." As she said this, her eyes filled with tears.
"Oh, Charlie, baby, don't cry. I'm here," I said gently as I stroked her cheek. She reached for me and pulled me down to her. My mouth felt her hunger. It was palatable. I could feel the passion growing inside her. And just as quickly she released me.
"Here, just lie here next to me. Hold me, just hold me." I laid with her until she fell asleep.
I went to the kitchen and found Roxanne. "Hello, Roxanne," I said.
"Oh, Miss Cole, it's so good to have you back."
"Roxanne, could you make something light for dinner? Miss Charlotte should be on a light diet for a few days," I said to her.
She looked down to the floor and when she looked up I could tell she was upset. "Oh Miss, I'm so glad you're back. It was terrible when you went away. She went crazy; smashing things, crying uncontrollably and then she would just stay in the dark and drink too much. That day I found her?Oh my God, I thought she was dead! She was all white and she wasn't moving." Roxanne took a deep breath and said, "She tried to kill herself again didn't she?"
My silence was reply enough. "Oh Miss, are you here to stay?"
"Yes, I am Roxanne" I felt a great weight on my shoulders. I had not realized how vulnerable Charlie was. She acted so in control all the time and yet it sounded like she had been falling apart.
I went back to check on her. She was asleep. She looked so beautiful and peaceful asleep. I walked over to her and lightly kissed her on the forehead, left the room and closed the door behind me. I went to the living room and stood near the window looking out onto the beauty of New York City at night.
I was back. I never thought I would be back. I had even taken a step towards a reconciliation with Mark. My life was more complicated now then before. Did I want to remember that night with Mark? I had welcomed his touch. I had wanted him. And with him I could have all that with Charlie would be impossible.
But as difficult as it would always be, I couldn't leave her. She needed me. I realized that I still loved her the moment I thought I might loose her forever. I could not imagine my life without Charlie in it. Somehow I would have to make Mark understand and to forgive me.
Suddenly, next to me I could see her reflection in the window. I turned to her. As I looked at her I felt such love and longing. I could feel a tear run down my cheek and I took her into my arms and held her tightly to me. "Don't ever scare me like that again," I said and I felt her arms go up and hang on to me. "I couldn't bear the thought of a world without you in it."
She wiped my tears away and kissed me. "I want to go home, Laura."
"Home?" I asked. I didn't understand.
"Home. To our home and to our rose garden," she clarified and I nodded my head.
"Yes, in a few days, when you're stronger, we'll go home and walk through our rose garden," I said gently and held her close to me.
The next morning, Mark called. He was anxious for us to talk. I agreed to meet him for lunch.
"I must go Charlie. I won't be long and then we can make plans to go home okay?" I said to her. She nodded her head but I knew she was upset. "Listen to me Charlie," I was unable to finish my sentence when she raised her hand and walked away. "Charlie!" I called out but she kept on walking.
Mark had been very insistent, I couldn't cancel and if I did he might show up here. If Charlie ever knew what had happened between us, I didn't know how she would react. One minute she acted like her old self and the next she was tearful and over emotional. I didn't know how else to handle this so I went out to meet him.
We met as usual downtown. I was a few minutes late due to traffic. As soon as I walked in I saw him. He walked up to me, kissed me fully in the mouth and walked me to our table.
"I've missed you," he said as soon as we sat. He reached out and was holding both my hands. "I want us to be together so much." As he finished saying this the waiter showed up to take our order. He released my hands and we proceeded to order lunch.
"You're only having salad and soup?" he asked.
"Yes, I'm not very hungry."
"Sweetheart, you're getting thin. Are you feeling okay?" he asked concerned.
"Yes, I'm fine it's just that I've had little appetite lately, what with Charlie and everything." I looked away from him.
"What's wrong with her?"
"She's been very ill and she needs me right now."
"I need you too!" he quickly replied and reached for my hands again. "I want us to be together Laura. We have a life to rebuild."
"Yes, but right now I need to be with Charlie."
"Is she more important than us?" He was clearly annoyed.
"Mark, please don't do this. Se became very close on the island. I'm the only person she has. I must be with her, I just can't leave her." I said to him. He just looked at me for a minute.
"I don't understand, but I have no choice I guess."
Lunch was a strain at best. But as we were saying good-bye outside the restaurant he pulled me into his arms and kissed me. "I won't be happy until your back with us at home, where you belong" he said and walked away. I started back to the Tower.
I got back to the apartment at about three o'clock in the afternoon. I was met by a concerned Roxanne. "What's wrong?" I asked immediately.
"She locked herself in and wouldn't answer, so I opened the door with my keys and I found her sitting in a corner. She was furious and threw me out."
I went up quickly to our bedroom. I walked in and I found her as Roxanne said, sitting in a corner with her knees up to her chest and her head on them. She looked up and I could see she had been crying. I ran over to her, fell on my knees, and took her in my arms. "Charlie, why? What's wrong honey? What's wrong?" I asked gently as I pressed her closer to me. She started sobbing and clung to me. "Oh baby, what's wrong?" I asked again and started stroking her hair. "I love you. Tell me please," I insisted.
"You don't need me like I need you," she whispered.
"That's not true, that's not true," I said softly into her ear. "Let's go Charlie. Why don't we go home today? It's so lovely there. The sea air will do you good and we can see our rose garden. Remember, we promised to love each other there forever and ever."
She looked up at me with tear filled eyes. "Yes, let's go. Let's go now," she said anxiously.
"I'll call Steven and have him make the arrangements with the airport. I'll start packing right now. And you, my love, are going back to bed," I said to her lovingly.
"No," she protested.
"Yes," I insisted and walked her back to bed. "Now you just lie down." As I was about to walk out she reached for my hand.
"Call him from here," she insisted.
I was about to say something then decided just to appease her. "Okay." I sat down next to her and started to call down to the garage. "Steven, this is Ms. Cole could you please come up here? I need you to make arrangements with the airport. Ms Von Steiben and I will be going to the Hamptons this evening." After I finished speaking to him I looked back at Charlie. "Now, I'm going to start packing and we'll be home by tonight." My hand stroked her hair. Tears started rolling down her face. "Sweetheart, should I call Charles? Perhaps he can help," I said gently.
"No!" She said flatly.
I laid down next to her and held her close to me. "Do you want to tell me why you're so upset?" I asked as I continued to stroke her hair.
"Nothing, I just felt lonely without you" she said barely audible. I held her closer to me and kissed her.
We arrived at the Hamptons by ten that night. Charlie looked tired but I felt that things would be better for her here. I took her upstairs and she fell asleep almost immediately. I called Charles and let him know that we were here now and that she had seemed depressed. He chastised me for moving her so soon. I told him that she wanted more than anything to be here so that perhaps she would be happier. He asked me to let him know how she was doing in a few days and if there were any problems to call him right away. Earlier that night I had called Josh and Ashley. They had been disappointed about the weekend but were worried about Charlie. I explained that she would get better and that soon we would start doing things together again. They asked me to give her a special hug and hoped to see her soon.
I woke up early the next morning and went down to pick some fresh roses to take up to her. When I walked in she was getting up. "Good morning," I said cheerfully and walked over to her. "These are for you." I handed her the roses.
She looked at me in surprise and smiled. "You're giving me flowers?"
"Why not? One should always give flowers to the one they love." I kissed her lightly on the lips.
"I've missed touching you," she said softly. Her eyes were looking intently into mine.
"So have I," I replied. "But, right now you need breakfast more than you need me."
She held me in place. "Never. I will never need anything more than you," she said seriously.
I looked at her lovingly. "I know, I know. Now come on down. I've ordered your favorite breakfast and I want to have it with you."
She smiled and we both walked downstairs to the verandah to have breakfast. She seemed to get stronger by the minute. She was happy here. We sat in the verandah most of the morning and walked in the sunshine through our rose garden.
After lunch I looked for Mike and found him pruning the roses. "Hello Mike," I said.
"Hello Miss Laura. Your rose garden, do you like it?"
"Oh Mike, it's the most beautiful rose garden I've ever seen."
He looked very proud of himself. "I want to show you the greenhouse Miss." He led me there.
"Oh Mike, it's unbelievable!" I exclaimed as I walked into a magical place.
"No expense was spared. She wanted for you to be able to have a garden to walk in when it's winter."
I was astonished. The greenhouse was huge, a whole world protected from the elements. There was even an area with lounges that had deep cushions and a gurgling fountain. And above it all was a domed roof. Now the sun filled the place but at night you could see the stars through the glass. Yes, it would be lovely to be here in the winter.
I left Mike pruning and started to walk back to the house to check on Charlie. "I was going to look for you," she said as I was walking up the steps to the verandah.
"I was talking to Mike and he showed me the greenhouse. Charlie, it's wonderful!" She smiled and her hand reached out for mine. I gave in and sat down next to her. "In the winter, on cold nights, we can go there, lie on the lounges and look up at the stars."
"That sounds good to me," she replied.
We spent the rest of the day talking and laughing. She was beginning to be herself again.
"Why don't we go out to dinner?" She asked excitedly.
"No, you need to rest," I replied. We were upstairs changing for dinner.
"I feel great."
"No." I wasn't looking at her as I searched for a missing shoe.
"Why not? I want to go out!" She insisted again.
"No," I repeated.
"Are you still ashamed to be seen with me!" she exclaimed.
I turned to face her. "No," I said to her gently. I walked over to her. She was visibly upset. "No, I'm not ashamed of loving you. I want to take care of you. That's what people that love each other do."
She kept looking at me but said nothing. Her hand went up to caress my cheek and then started caressing my neck. Her eyes were looking into mine and they became smoky with passion. I stood there as she was caressing me. Her hand went down to my breast and I also felt the longing. Her other hand went behind my neck and pulled me close to her. Her mouth was teasing. Her lips would brush my face and miss my mouth. I wanted to taste her lips, and when they came close to mine again, my hand reached behind her neck and I pulled her to me, my mouth taking hers.
I wanted her so badly. I kissed her with such longing. I could feel her hands trying to remove my blouse and her frustration when the one with the cast on it failed to do what she wanted. My hands covered hers and raised them to my lips to kiss. Then I unbuttoned my blouse and placed her hand on my breast. The pleasure I experienced when the warmth of her hand covered my breast was electrifying. I groaned with need for her.
We finished undressing and were standing by the light of the moonlight coming through the window. She was excited and impatient. Her mouth quickly sought my breast and sucked it with such need that it caught me unprepared. I felt myself falling back on the bed. I wanted her mouth. But she wanted to kiss every part of me instead. Her hands were caressing my breasts and her mouth had gone to bring me to ecstasy. I shook with pleasure and she came up to me, her mouth looking for mine. I was overwhelmed with such passion for her. We made love most of the night until we both laid exhausted in each others embrace.
For the next few days we were like most lovers enjoying a reunion after having been away for a long time. We took walks, kissed in corners, whispered things only intended for the other's ear and made love. Oh, we made love with such an intensity brought about with the realization of how delicate and fragile it truly was. We spent dreamy days filled with sunshine and flowers.
One day we were coming up from the beach when we were met by Patricia, the housekeeper. Mark was on the phone.
"Patricia, please tell him I'll take the call shortly," I said. Patricia headed back to the house and I turned to look at Charlie. She had turned her back to me and was looking out to the ocean. "I'm going to discuss bringing the children over for a while so we can stay here." I said gently to her. "I'm going to solve this soon, I promise." I went towards the house to take the call.
Mark was not at all accommodating. He was upset. He wanted to see me. After what happened between us, I could understand his frustration. Finally, after much debate he agreed I could pick up the children and they could spend two weeks with me. I had to resolve this situation. I would have to resolve all this soon.
I went to find Charlie, walking out toward where I'd left her. I found out that she had gone upstairs. When I got up to the bedroom I could hear the running water. I went into the bathroom and she was in the shower. I hated what these calls from Mark did to her. I removed my own clothes and went into the shower with her. She turned to face me. "It feels like a lifetime since I last kissed you," I said to her and she came to me.
The plan was that I was to pick up the children and come back to the Hamptons. Charlie wanted to come but I insisted that she didn't. I now had lies to handle on both ends. I, who had insisted on an honest relationship, was lying to both Charlie and Mark. I would have to handle this before it blew up on my face.
I rolled into Mark's driveway about one 'o'clock in the afternoon. I walked up to the door and it was Mark who opened it. He was in a bad mood. The kids ran to the car and Steven helped to store their luggage in the trunk.
"We need to talk Laura!" He insisted.
"Mark, I have a plane to catch." I
"What kind of game are we playing? I love you!" He was insistent.
I stopped and faced him. "When I bring the children back, we can talk everything out then, okay?" He nodded his head and I walked back to the car.
We arrived in time for dinner. The kids ran to Charlie and wrapped themselves around her. We all had dinner together and went to the local video store to rent some videos. Staying up late, we made popcorn and watched old movies. Finally, when the kids were asleep, we took them upstairs and put them to bed.
"It's great to have them back," she said looking at me.
"Yes, yes it is." I replied in a melancholy voice.
"They love you Laura. I want to have you with me for always. I want us to be a family."
I looked at her for a long time. "I want that too." She opened her arms and I went into her embrace.
The next two weeks went far too quickly. At the end of the two weeks, I took the children back and left them with Mark's housekeeper. I hated being separated from them. Before I went back home I called Mark. We agreed to meet the following week. On the flight back I thought a lot about my situation. This had to end.
When I got back it looked like Charlie had really been busy. The staff had been doubled. There was work being done throughout the house. I found Charlie in the library. She was on the phone and signaled me to sit down. "I want to sign those papers by tomorrow. I'll see you here at eleven tomorrow morning," she finished and hung up the phone. She turned to me, got up walked over and sat next to me, then leaned over and kissed me hello. "That was my lawyer. I have put ten million dollars in an account under your name," she said.
"No!" I replied but she interrupted.
"I don't want you taking Mark's money. I have more than enough, but I want you to feel like you have money of your own to do with as you please. I have also drawn up two trust funds of twenty million dollars each for the children."
I was stunned. "No," I said softly. "NO!" I repeated. I couldn't accept.
"You say you love me, that you and the children are my family. I have the right to do this. Please let me do this?" She pleaded. "Let me, I want to. Please? If I were a man you wouldn't think twice about this." She walked towards the window.
I got up and went to her. "Charlie, I?" I started to say.
"Never mind," she said.
"Charlie, don't be angry. I don't want the money. All I want is you."
"I am the money."
"No, no you're not. You're my love."
She looked at me again and kissed me. "If you love me, you'll let me do this for you," she said, waiting for my answer.
"Okay, okay Charlie. That's very generous of you, thank you," I gave in.
She turned to face me. She smiled, took me quickly into her embrace, released me and looked into my eyes. "You mean it?"
"Yes, I do."
"Oh, by the way, we're having a party next week," she informed me.
"Yes. It's something I host here every year. It's basically all of the social elite that lives or depends on my money," she said sarcastically. I looked at her curiously. It was just like Charlie to overload me with information when she was trying to convince me of something. "Yes, don't look so baffled. It's really quite entertaining. I want you to see what my world was like and how different I want it to be now," she said seriously. I didn't know what to make of all this. Charlie had a way of overwhelming me.
"Why have them over if you dislike them so much?"
"They look forward to this. Besides, I want them to meet you. Will you meet them?"
"Yes," I said and she smiled.
The next morning Charlie's lawyer, a Mr. Thomas Gallen, arrived promptly at eleven in the morning. He was taken into the library, at which time Charlie called for me to be there as well. He was dressed in a smartly tailored, dark blue European-cut suit that breathed money and lawyer-like guile.
"Thomas, this is Laura Cole," Charlie introduced me.
He reached for my hand. "A pleasure to meet you Ms. Cole."
"Shall we get on with it?" Charlie sat down and everyone followed suit.
"Yes, of course," said Mr. Gallen "I have here the papers to be signed." He started taking papers out of his briefcase. "First, I need you to sign the bank cards Ms. Cole and then --" he was interrupted by Charlie.
"Let's do one thing at a time, shall we Thomas? Have her sign the bank cards," she said firmly.
He looked at her uncertainly and then nodded. "Please, sign here and here, Ms. Cole." He pointed out were I was to sign.
"Now the ones for the children, Thomas," Charlie instructed.
He looked at her and handed the papers to me. "Here and here, Ms. Cole." I signed as instructed.
"Good, now that that's over with, let's get to the next business in hand," she said.
"We'll need two witnesses for these," he said to her. Charlie picked up the phone and asked Mike, the gardener, and Patricia, the housekeeper, to come to the library.
"If you don't need me anymore?" I said as I started to get up.
"No, I want you to stay," she said softly and put her hand over mine. She was about to say something when there was knocking on the door. "Come in," said Charlie. Patricia and Mike walked in. "OH...good. I need you two to witness my signature." They walked up to the desk.
"As per your request, here is the new Will and Testament," he said to Charlie. "I have made all the changes you requested." He was looking at Mike and Patricia and directed them were to sign after witnessing Charlie's signature.
"Thank you both, that will be all," Charlie said to them and they left.
"Here are your two copies Ms. Von Steiben. I will be filing this today and then send you a confirmation copy as well." He handed Charlie a copy and handed one to me.
I looked at her curiously. "Why are you giving me a copy?"
He looked at me then at her. She nodded and he then turned to me and said. "You are Ms. Von Steiben's sole beneficiary. Upon her death you stand to inherit close to four hundred million dollars."
I just stared at him. I looked at the papers in my hand and sat back down. All of a sudden, after the initial shock, I started feeling very angry and a sense of being caged in overtook me. I got up to my feet and threw the papers on the desk. I turned to Charlie. "You should have told me. No, do you hear me? Change it! I don't want it!" I was fuming. I looked at a baffled Thomas Gallen. "Change it, I don't want the money." I said to him. I then directed my anger towards Charlie. "You don't know when to stop!" I said and walked out of the room.
I ran out of the house and towards the beach. I needed some air. I hated when Charlie acted like this. It was like she was always trying to box me in. Why couldn't she just love me? Always making me feel like I was being reeled in slowly. She kept saying she loved me. She also said that she believed I loved her. Then why did I always feel like she was trying to somehow buy me? It was like she had to reassure herself with always giving me more and more. Instead of it making me happy, her gifts upset me. I had explained it to her over and over. She just didn't seem to understand and, of course, the behavior did not change. One way or another, I would always give in. Well, not this time.
I started walking back to the house. She must have seen me walking up from the beach. She stood on the verandah steps as I was approaching. I walked past her and went straight upstairs. I could hear her coming behind me. I went into our bedroom and stood by the picture window overlooking the pool. I heard her close the door behind her.
"You're angry?" she asked.
I said nothing. We both stood our ground for a few minutes. I heard her walking towards me.
She stopped right behind me. "Most women would not be," she stated. I turned to her.
"I'm not most women!" I replied. We were now facing each other.
She reached out and placed the lock of hair on the side of my face behind my ear. "No, you're not," was her reply. She started caressing my face.
I took her hand away and walked away from her and started to pace the room as I spoke in frustration. "I feel like you're always bulldozing me Charlie. Why can't you just believe I love you!" I exclaimed. She said nothing so I continued. "It's like you're always trying to overwhelm me with things. Things are just that...things. Sometimes you make me feel like you're trying to buy me."
I kept pacing and she still said nothing. "Say something to me. Why must everything be so complicated with you? Just love me. That's all I want, honest." I stopped to look at her. She was looking at me and she was upset.
"I won't change it!" she stated.
"And who's name was it under before?" I asked sarcastically. She looked at me in surprise.
"Is that what you think? You think I had it in someone else's name?" I turned away from her. "You think I had it under another woman's name don't you?" She asked in surprise.
I wasn't sure what I was feeling. "Why not?" I replied more for the sake of argument then anything else.
She went to the phone next to the bed and dialed. "Thomas, I'm going to put you on speaker phone" she said and pressed the button. "Thomas, will you please tell me how many wills before this one I've had drawn up and who the beneficiaries were?"
"There has only been one, Ms Von Steiben. Aside from the small gifts to some servants, which you still kept, your previous beneficiary was the preservation of parks. Do you require the name of the foundation?" he asked.
"No, thank you Thomas, that will be all. Please go file your papers," she said ending the call. She now turned to me. This conversation had gone into an entirely different direction than I had planned. In effect she had found a way of telling me that she really loved me. As usual it was in her own way. "You look confused," she said smiling.
"I wish we were on the island Charlie. It was so simple there."
She walked over to me and took me in her arms. "I wish that all the time," she said softly into my ear and held me tighter.
"When you act like this you frighten me." I confessed.
"Your world scares me. I'm afraid it's going to swallow me up."
She still had me in her arms and I could feel her breath on my neck and the brushing of her lips against my skin. "I won't let anything hurt you. We're one being, one heart. Don't you know that?" She slipped her hand behind my back and pulled me closer to her. I could feel her lips on my neck. "You belong to me, as I belong to you. And the gifts I give you will be because I love you." Before I could say anything, her mouth covered mine and my body melted into hers.
The house was worked on for that whole week. There were people in and out every moment. The morning of the party, trucks of flowers kept arriving. Every room was filled with them. Caterers had been consulted and had started preparing the foods early that morning. Ice sculptures were brought in later.
"What do you think?" I heard Charlie ask behind me. I turned to face her.
"It's unbelievable," I answered. She smiled and pulled me into her embrace. "Oh, Patricia needed to ask you some questions about the tables," I remembered
"Why didn't you decide?" she asked.
"I?wasn't sure?" I hesitated.
"Whatever you decide will always be perfect," she responded.
"Next time I'll do better."
"I bought us new clothes for tonight." She was looking at me for my reaction. I was being bated and I knew it. She waited smiling.
My arms went around her neck and I kissed her. "I hope mine fits," I said and she pulled me into her arms once more.
"Why don't we start getting ready?" She whispered into my ear.
"Charlie, it's only three in the afternoon," I said in confusion.
"So? We can start with a long relaxing bath. I'll scrub your back and then tuck you in for a long afternoon nap." She gave me a mischievous smile. Taking me by the hand, she led the way upstairs.
The guests were scheduled to arrive at nine that evening. Charlie and I started getting dressed at seven. We both put our hair up, arranging it give the impression of softness and sensuality. We had our nails done and the makeup was applied meticulously. My dress was breathtaking. It was black sequenced with a rather low neck line. But not quite as shocking as the deep cut on the back. It had long sleeves so that the nakedness was even more pronounced.
I examined myself in the mirror and what I saw was another woman staring back at me. I was looking at a woman in a dress that brought out all of her flattering features. My breasts looked full and voluptuous and the deep cut in the back gave it a look of sensual wantonness. This wasn't me.
Then I saw Charlie walk in from the dressing room and I was speechless. She was wearing black as well, however she was in a black silk tuxedo. It was fitted to accentuate all the curves of her body. The jacket was cut low and I could see the swell of her breasts. The only jewelry she wore was a pearl necklace and pearl studs. The pants were pencil thin so that you could see her beautifully shaped legs, which ended in black high heels. She seemed like one of those blonde Goddesses walking out of a dream.
"Charlie, we're leaving nothing to the imagination," I said a little doubtful looking down at my breasts and back at her.
"You are breathtaking," she stated, walking over towards me. I sat in front of the dressing table, looking into the mirror. "You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen," she said kissing me on the neck.
"Charlie, I can see your breasts clearly from the sides!" I stated, a little shocked.
"Do you find me attractive?" she asked.
I looked at her from the mirror. "You know I do."
"That's all I care about," she said and went out of the room again.
I was looking at myself in the mirror applying my lipstick when she came and sat next to me. She was facing me with her back to the mirror. Looking into my eyes, her hand caressed my back, going into the side of the dress and I could feel her fingertips caress the side of my breast.
"I love you," she whispered. I smiled. She handed me a box she had on her lap. I gave her a smile and looked down at it. It read Harry Winston. I looked up and back down at the box. "Open it," she said softly.
I was not prepared for what my eyes beheld. There were two pear shaped earrings. A light amethyst stone was surrounded with diamonds and around the earrings was a diamond and amethyst necklace, with a pear shape pendant to match the earrings. The pendant held a large diamond surrounded by smaller amethyst stones.
"Charlie?I..." I was speechless.
"I want you to wear them, with all my love."
"They are not my love but an expression of it. It's a gift, to match the rings we wear." As she said this, I looked down at my hand. A tear rolled down my cheek and my eyes looked for hers. "You'll wear them?"
"Yes, thank you." I was overcome with emotion. I kissed her lips lightly. She stood up and clipped the necklace on my neck as I put on the earrings.
The phone rang and Charlie went to answer it. It was Charles. I was looking at my reflection in the mirror. I decided right there and then to finally tell Mark. I had to tell him. I wanted to start clean. I wanted to be honest with him and I didn't want Charlie to be hurt if she found out about what had happened between us. It was time to make a clean break. I loved Charlie. Nothing would ever change that. I would call Mark in the morning.
The guests started to arrive promptly at nine. A little bit before nine, the chamber quartet hired for the evening started playing the Brandenburg Concertos. Within half an hour we were surrounded by a multitude of guest, candle light, flowers and music.
The guests were an odd sort. They were openly mercenary and opulent to exaggeration. No wonder Charlie wanted another life. You could lose your soul here. She wouldn't be alone anymore. Now we would have each other.
We noticed that Lyle had crashed the party. Charlie was angry at first but then decided he wasn't going to ruin our evening and decided to ignore his being there. Charles came as well, but he stayed mostly close to Charlie and I.
She was by my side all evening. I could almost hear all the talk and speculation about us. But, that didn't matter anymore. I wanted my life to be with her. I would occasionally feel her hand caress my back and I knew it for what it was. It was territorial. She wanted to show them I was hers and I welcomed the touch.
My head felt light. I had drunk too much champagne. I was talking to Charles and I felt Charlie kiss the side of my neck, her hand caressing my back. I felt her fingers lightly caressing the side of my breast. I turned with a smile on my mouth to look into her eyes.
Instead I was met with the shocked expression on Mark's face. He stood there looking at me in horror. My body tensed up immediately. Charlie looked into my eyes and then turned to see what I was staring at.
"Well, I see what's been keeping you busy," he hissed.
I felt embarrassment wash over me. I hadn't wanted it to be like this. Oh dear God, not like this, kept going through my mind.
"You whore! You perverted bitch! You stay away from my children!" He started walking away. I followed him out.
"Mark, wait. Mark please wait," I said catching up with him. Charlie wasn't far behind.
Charles was still next to me. "Please, go into the library. Let's not make a scene in front of all these people," he pointed out. "For both your sakes," he repeated and led us to the Library. I closed the door behind me.
"Mark, let me talk to you."
The door opened and Charlie came in closing the door behind her, locking it. "You don't leave until you hear her out," she said to him with the key in her hand.
"You two deserve each other." He fumed. "I don't have to do anything!" He exclaimed.
"Yes you do. I'm the Wheatherbee Account," she said to him. He looked at her in surprise.
"Mark, please try to understand," I pleaded.
"I don't understand anything! I saw her pawing you in front of all those people," he said in disgust.
I realized all of a sudden what she had said and I asked. "What do you mean you're the Wheatherbee Account?" They both ignored me. This had all been planned out but right now it would have to wait.
"I was caressing what is mine," interrupted Charlie.
"You stay out of this!" he yelled at Charlie.
"Mark, let's talk please!" I pleaded.
"There's nothing to talk about!" he exclaimed.
"Yes, the children."
"You think I'm going to allow my children to spend another moment with you?"
"Mark, they're mine too!"
"I'll never let you have them." He was yelling now. My hands covered my face in desperation.
"You think that you can win in this?" I heard Charlie ask him.
"You keep out of this," he said. "You're to blame for this! She wasn't like this before," he growled.
"There's no one to blame here Mark," I said to him.
"How long has this been going on?" I said nothing and then he started yelling. "How long Goddammit! When did this start?"
I felt the fear arise. My eyes started turning to him as the words came out of his mouth. "Were you sleeping with her when you were with me?" He asked and at that moment, as if in slow motion, I felt Charlie's eyes turn to me as well. The earth had opened up beneath my feet. I was looking at Charlie now. My world fell apart in one single second. I could no longer reach her. "Tell me, were you sleeping with her already?" he yelled again.
I dropped back into the chair. "Yes," was the only thing I said, very quietly.
"Did you know she had set out to ruin my business?" he asked
"No," I answered. Everything was spiraling down into an empty black pit.
"I don't believe you!" I looked up into his eyes as he continued. "Why did you sleep with me? We made love. I thought that we were going to?it doesn't matter what I thought!"
"I was confused. I never wanted to hurt you."
"So you decided to make love to me? Tell me Laura, when were you going to tell me?" He was yelling again. "When, you lying bitch? I hope you drop dead! And if you think you're going to get the kids, you're crazy! I will fucking kill you before I let that happen!" he yelled. "Open this damn door, the air in here is putrid!" he said to Charlie. "Let me out of here," he growled again.
She threw him the key. I heard the door open. "Stay away from my children, or I'll tear you apart. You'll get them over my dead body, you fucking whore!"
I flinched at his insult and Charlie exploded. "Get out or I'll kill you! Consider yourself bankrupt and unemployable for the rest of your fucking life!"
"You better have a lot of money honey, because no matter how much you dress like a man you obviously didn't do a good job fucking her when she had to come to me!" He responded viciously.
I heard her scream and as I turned, I saw her strike him. Mark grabbed her and threw her across the room. I saw her reach for a poker from the fireplace and she leapt towards him. He was walking out the door when she struck him across his back. He leaned back in pain, then turned around and struck her in the face. She laid on the floor motionless. Blood was pouring from her mouth.
At that moment Charles came in and went to her. "Get out, before I have you thrown out!" He threatened.
Mark walked out, slamming the door behind him. Charlie started to come to. I was huddled in a corner looking at them. I stood unable to move, frozen in place. I had brought us all to this.
Charles started to help her up. "Let go of me and get out!" She said with a murderous glance.
"Charlotte you're bleeding. Don't do anything crazy Charlotte," he exclaimed.
She just stared at me and pushed him away. "Get out!" She screamed at him.
He tried to help her up and she shook him away. He looked at me then at Charlie and walked out, closing the door behind him. She wiped her mouth and looked at her hand with blood and then back up at me. I wanted to say so much to her but the words did not come.
"I trusted you! I never believed in anyone, but I believed you," she hissed. I started to open my mouth. She gave me a look that made me keep silent.
"I love you," I said softly to her. I could feel the tears overflowing and running down my cheek.
She turned and yelled with frustration. With one swipe of her arm she threw everything off the desk.
I ran out the room. She reached the bedroom seconds behind me. "I trusted you!" she exclaimed, crying wildly. She started breaking everything around her.
"Charlie, let me explain?" I started to say before she struck me hard across the face. The blow knocked me off my feet.
"Get up! Get up!" she kept yelling.
"Charlie, let me explain...." I started to say again as she pulled me up off the floor. "Charlie --" she struck me again.
I started running towards the door. She caught up with me and pushed me the rest of the way against it. The sheer fury in her had caught me completely off guard. I just wanted to get away. She turned me around to face her.
"What didn't I do for you?" she demanded. "What didn't I do for you? I loved you Goddammit!" She grabbed the front of my dress and tore it. She kept tearing off my clothes.
I shoved her and started to open the door when I felt her grab me by the hair and pull me back in. "Charlie, have you gone crazy? Stop this!"
She slammed the door shut. "You are never leaving here," she said flatly. "You were with him. You let him touch you! You betrayed me after I trusted you. Trust me, you kept saying, well I did! I feel like killing you now!" She started towards me.
"Let me explain! I love you!" I kept saying to her.
"Don't ever say that again," she growled.
"I was confused, Charlie. I wanted?I don't know what I wanted. All I know is that I love you!"
She was standing in front of me now, very close. I could feel her breath on my face. "I told you not to say that."
I was going to speak again when she put her face right in front of mine. So close that I could feel her lips brush mine. My arms automatically went around her neck and I embraced her.
"Let me talk to you," I pleaded with her softly. I felt her arms go around me. Her hands started caressing my body. My lips brushed her neck lightly. I could feel her body respond. I closed my eyes in relief. They flew open when I felt her tear off the rest of my clothes.
"I'm going to give you what you want sweetheart," she threatened.
I was staring at her in horror. I started to back away from her. She started taking off her clothes as she was getting close to me. "Somebody has to die now, Laura, you know that don't you?" She stated eerily.
"Because, we both can't win."
"I'm afraid Charlie," I said in sheer terror.
I was against the wall now and she was in front of me. Her hand reached for mine gently. I looked at her in confusion. "I'm going to make you happy," she said lovingly. A nervous giggle escaped my lips as she led me back to our bed.
I could feel the rage all around me. It was everywhere. It was so thick that I couldn't breath. I was gasping for air as she started stroking my hair. I felt like the prey when it is cornered and the hunter approaches. She was going to devour me. Her hands reached for me and pulled me to her roughly. Her mouth took mine savagely. I could taste the tears mingled with blood. In her kiss was the trace of controlled violence.
"Not like this Charlie," I said to her in tears.
"Just like this." She pushed me hard on to the bed and was immediately on top of me.
"No!" I started to push her off. "No, this won't solve anything," I said to her starting to get off the bed.
She grabbed my arm. "I want this!" she exclaimed.
"I believe we can still work this out if you would only listen, but not now, and not here."
She still would not let go. "I didn't ask you. I want to fuck you now. Not later, but right now," she said very calmly.
"Don't throw this all away. We can still be happy. I can explain."
"No more talking. I just want to fuck you," she stated.
A cry rose from within me with such pain. "No, I can't! Not like this!"
She pulled my arm and I fell back on the bed. "Tonight, claims were staked. I told you, you are mine. We play my way now, by my rules. And in my games, I always win!" Her mouth was on mine. I could taste the blood.
"NO!" I pushed her off me and started getting up when I felt a sharp pain on the back of my head. Something had struck me. I felt myself falling back on the mattress.
"I'm not finished," she growled above me.
All I felt was pain. The world was spinning out of control. I had been in this nightmare before. "OH God, no!" I heard myself sob.
She slapped me. "SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP!"
I felt the pain of the penetration go through me like a knife. "AHHH!!" I moaned in pain. I felt another blow to my face. I kept coming in and out of consciousness to the never ending violence and pain.
All I could hear from a veiled daze was Charlie telling me "I'm fucking you Laura. My way now. Always my way now."
Then it all went dark as I heard her moaning in with pleasure.
"Wake up! Wake up!" She kept yelling. She was shaking me hard. I opened my eyes. I could see her sitting next to me on the bed. A painful moan escaped my lips.
"AHHHH?" I felt tears of pain roll down my face. My whole body ached. I was looking at her when I saw the gun in her hand. I went still. I just stared at it. A great calm overtook me.
Her other hand caressed my belly and gradually traveled up to my breast as her eyes scanned my body hungrily. Her thumb teased my nipple and slowly her mouth came down and lightly placed a kiss on it. She sat up again. My eyes went up to her face.
"End this already," I said to her. She stared at me in surprise and back at the gun. She stood up.
The door opened and the rush of light blinded me. "Well, it didn't take long!" I heard a male voice say. My hand went up to my face to shield me from the pain of the light. "I'll take over now. I knew this wouldn't last." It was Lyle. I could make out his figure standing by the door. "It's my turn. I knew if I was patient we would go back to playing together again. Do you want to watch?" I heard him say.
"OHHHHH?" I started sobbing and I curled up in pain. "NO!!! Charlie please, don't let him?don't let him touch me, Charlie! Charlie, please don't let him!" I pleaded with her.
I heard the sound of a loud explosion and then total silence. I looked towards Charlie and she was sitting in a chair staring at me. I gasped in pain and desperation. She was brushing the gun to her face. She kept looking at me. I could see she wasn't there. I had killed her. I had killed everything.
I looked towards the door and I saw Lyle on the floor. There was blood oozing out of a hole in his white jacket. I heard him make a noise. He was still alive. His eyes fluttered and he started to get up slowly. "You bitch! You shot me?you shot me!" He stumbled toward her.
Just as calmly, she turned to him and pointed the gun at him once more. He stopped in mid step. "Somebody has to die Lyle."
"I just wanted to play, Charlotte. Calm down. You shot me! Shit Charlotte you shot me! Look at her?I thought you were finished. I'm sorry, I can wait. Just point that thing somewhere else okay?" He pleaded with her.
"I told you once, she's mine. I'll kill whoever touches her. What part of that didn't you understand?" She growled at him.
He looked from her to me. "Another day perhaps," he said to me.
She walked up to him and hit him where he was bleeding. He fell to the floor in pain. "I'm going to kill you too, Lyle," she said to him calmly.
I cried out in desperation. I tried getting up and fell back. Oh God, I felt
a piercing pain going through me. I fell back, engulfed in incredible agony.
"Oh God, I hurt! I hurt!" I cried out.
Charlie was immediately next to me. More noise. Someone else was in the room. "Charlotte, what's happened?" Cried out Charles.
"Help her! Hurry, help her!" She was yelling.
"You shot him Charlotte! My God, you shot him," he was saying to her.
"Leave him. Help her. Do you hear me? She's in pain, help her!" I heard her plead with him.
I saw Charles staring down at me in astonishment. "Charlotte, what have you done?" I heard him ask.
"Charles help me! It hurts! It hurts so much!" I cried out.
"HELP HER! HELP HER!" She was screaming hysterically.
Charles ran out of the room. She was kneeling on the floor next to the bed. "SHHHHH, it'll be better soon." Her voice was gentle and loving.
"AHHHH!!" I cried and curled up in pain.
She kept stroking my hair. Then she sat on the bed and took me into her arms and rocked me like a mother rocks her child to sleep. "It will be okay. I'll make it all better. I'll take care of you. No one will come between us again, not ever again. SHHHHH?I'll make it all better." She was out of her mind.
Charles came back in with a bag. He injected me with something and I felt the throbbing pain gradually disappear and I slowly floated away. I was looking at Charlie, and it all went dark.
I came back into the world in what seemed like slow motion. The room was full of light. My eyelids felt heavy. I was lying down and gradually it all came back to me. The fight with Mark, Charlie, Lyle, and the pain. So much pain.
I was tired. I closed my eyes and wished to wake up somewhere else, be someone else. I couldn't live this way anymore. I had to get away. I had to end this. I wanted to die. It was all over.
Mark would never forgive me. He would take my children. They would hate me.
And Charlie?nothing would ever make up for this. I had deceived her. I had deceived Mark. I had hurt them all. But this, no one deserved this. All this violence and pain. Tears came and my eyes closed again. I wanted to disappear into the nothing. I was so tired. I slipped back in the darkness.
I don't know how much time had gone by. All I knew was that I would drift in and out of consciousness. Tormented by nightmares of Charlie, I awoke with a scream once.
Charles was immediately at my side. "Lie back, rest. Just lie back and sleep."
My head fell back on the pillow. I remember seeing Charlie standing behind him before he injected me and the world faded again. The darkness brought me no peace. My life followed me there with all its horror. When I woke again it was dark and I was drenched in perspiration.
"I'll help you change," Charlie said softly.
"No?" I replied and closed my eyes to shut her out.
"I'll get Patricia to help you," I heard her say after a few minutes. I heard the door close behind her.
Patricia came and helped me to change. I looked down at my naked body and I was horrified by all the bruises and welts. Every part of me hurt. As Patricia was helping me walk back to the bed my legs gave way. I fell to the floor and started sobbing in frustration. So much pain. I didn't want anymore pain. I didn't want to hurt anymore.
"Oh Miss, how can I help you? Are you all right? Should I get the doctor?" Patricia asked concerned. She was helping me up when the door opened and Charlie rushed to me.
"NO! DON'T!" I pushed her away. She just stood there watching me. I tried to get up again, and again I fell to the floor. I cried without consolation. I didn't even have the power to get up off the floor.
"Patricia, you may go," I heard Charlie say. She walked over to me and helped me up and to the bed. I sat on the bed and she handed me some pills from a bottle on the nightstand. I took them and the glass of water she gave me. I didn't care what I was taking, all I wanted was oblivion. I laid down and soon after, fell asleep.
The drug-induced sleep gave me no rest. Each time I closed my eyes, every moment was filled with nightmares that would always end in my waking up screaming. This time was no different. I sat up, gulping for breath, trying to fill my lungs with the life that I knew was over. I wrapped my arms around me and started crying. I felt arms embracing me and I turned for consolation. I needed someone to hold me. I wanted to stop hurting. I cried into the embrace consoling me. I looked up and as soon as I saw her face I pulled away and cried into the pillow as I curled up like a wounded animal.
She started stroking my hair. "Don't fight me Laura."
Her words hurt. Every time I heard her voice I was filled with incredible pain. I cried until I could cry no more. I laid there and I realized I was lost. I was tired of fighting when I knew I could never win. She would never let me go. I would never be free of her. Far, would never be far enough. She would find me. She would always find me. She reached for me and I didn't shy away. In her embrace I fell asleep.
There are phrases that stick in you mind and come to you with the clarity that you see while looking into a murky pool. No quote was more true as the one "It was the best of times it was the worst of times." That's how I can best describe my loving Charlie.
I've tried to recall over and over again when the turning of the road came and when I took the wrong side. I don't know, or perhaps I'm just tired of thinking and all I want to do is sleep. I need to sleep. I know that. But when I sleep my demons follow me there.
All I seem to do is walk around this room in a daze when I'm awake and have nightmares when I sleep. I've lost all sense of time. And I don't care. I feel empty.
With the blindness of youth, I use to think there wasn't anything I couldn't do. I was wrong. I also thought that bad things -- I mean really bad things -- only happened to bad people. Bad things happen to bad and good people, and I'm sure some would see me on either side of that fence. I don't know when I fell in love with Charlie. I don't know when desire, sex, or love began.
If I had to do over again, even now, I don't know whether I'd run to her or kill her for all the pain she's put me through. I simply don't know. I have loved her with an intensity I never knew possible. I have never known such joy nor such pain, such desire or such need. My need for her is all encompassing. I feel this great ache in my chest when she is not with me. Even now at this moment. I simply just don't exist anymore. Only my need for her lives inside me. Somewhere along the way I stopped. It's that simple. I just stopped. And in a moment, whatever there is left of me will just stop. And I won't be anymore. A choice must be made. Then or now doesn't matter anymore. She's coming up the stairs and I'm tired and I want to sleep and I can't. This gun in my hand feels heavy.
I was facing the door when it opened and she came in. The gun in my hand went up. It was pointed directly at her. We were both spinning in the room. It had always been this way really. It would always be that way, Charlie and I. No other world would ever exist, we both knew that. If I pulled the trigger it would all be over. Her life would come to an end. She would die. She would cease to exist. I would never see her again. And at that moment, I realized that even then I couldn't bear the thought of that.
My eyes filled with tears and they rolled down my face as I lowered the gun. I was lost. I sat down at the bed still staring at her and very slowly I raised it to my temple. I was so tired quite suddenly.
She spoke very softly. "Laura, Mark is dead." As she spoke she walked toward me slowly. "There was a car accident," she said. Before I realized it, she was in front of me. "I've sent a car for the children. They'll be here soon."
Mark was dead. I was in a daze. I felt nothing. My eyes were still locked with hers. Her hand caressed my cheek and my eyes closed. My eyes were so heavy. I was so tired. When I opened them she was kneeling in front of me. Her hand went up and took the gun away. She kissed me lightly on the mouth and kissed me again. I didn't have the strength to push her away. Her kisses were demanding and passionate and before I knew it I felt her weight on me. I turned my face away in an attempt to fight her. But we both knew I didn't want to fight her. And the tears that followed were those of shame.
I heard her whisper passionately, "Give yourself to me Laura," and my tear filled eyes looked for hers and when her mouth sought mine I didn't resist. She didn't take my soul. I handed it to her without a struggle. I laid with her. I let her love me. I also knew to my shame that I wanted her as much as she wanted me. In tears I reached for her. And at the moment of pleasure I ceased.
The next few days passed in a daze. The children came. They would live here now. Charlie filled their days with toys and stories. She took care of everything.
I walked, spoke and breathed like any human being. But I knew that something inside me was gone. I was empty. I had died.
It didn't surprise me when the police came to ask some questions so that they could wrap up their investigation. They explained that Mark had been involved in an accident with another car. There was some question whether the other car had forced him off the road or whether it was just a freak accident. They showed me a photograph of the other driver.
I looked at it for a long time. Tears rolled down my face. I said nothing. The detective was very kind. He took the picture from me and expressed his sympathy, and he left. He had mistaken my tears for those of grief for my husband.
I walked out to the verandah. And I held myself as sobs shook my body. The man in the photograph was the one that had pulled me away from the curve that day. That day in front of Mark's office. He had pulled me away barely before that car sped by. He had known my name. It had been the same man.
"It's all over Laura," I heard her say behind me. She turned me around to face her. I searched her face. She looked at me for a moment. In that exact moment I knew. I had never ever been alone. Se had always been there with me. "Josh and Ashley are waiting for me in the pool. I'll meet you upstairs in fifteen minutes. Go and wait for me." She pulled me slowly into her embrace. I didn't turn away as her lips slowly searched for mine.
Epilogue - SIX MONTHS LATER
"Ashley throw me the ball," I yelled.
"Okay, here catch it." She threw it. Josh was in the middle. We enjoyed this game in the pool.
"Can we go to the movies after dinner?" Josh asked.
"I get to pick the movie," said Ashley.
"No, it's my turn," argued Josh.
"You two decide," I said to them as I got out of the pool.
"Where are you going Charlie? The game? What about the game?" Asked Ashley.
"You play with you brother. Your mother is waiting for me." I dried myself off.
Laura is waiting. I can see her from the picture window of our bedroom. I'll bring the shine back into her eyes, I know I will. After all, she has everything she wanted as I promised her. Every part of her belongs to me now.
That first time I saw her at that party, I knew I had to have her. I planned it all. It was so easy. The money, in the form of that so called Weatherbee Account, the cruise; the only unforeseen event was the shipwreck. That was just pure luck.
What I never planned on was loving her. I had never felt anything for any of the others before her. It was so easy to love her. She gave herself over to me completely and unselfishly on the island. No one had ever given me so much. She reached inside me and I was alive again. It had been so long since I had felt anything. Every fiber of my being yearns for her.
When she left me that night I realized that without her I couldn't exist. I didn't want to. The thought of losing her was something I couldn't allow to happen. It was difficult for her to choose. It tormented her so much, so I chose for her.
I had Mark invited to the party so he could see us together. He was so predictable. I had never expected her to act the way she did that night. She was so carefree and never once pushed me away when I fondled or kissed her in front of them all. For the first time I believed I really had her. And for a moment, I must confess, I thought I might have gone a bit too far that night.
When I found out she had been with him, I knew she had made a mistake. A mistake that I had to help her see. It wasn't easy but I finally made her realize that she shouldn't fight me. I had to be strong and make her see that she was mine. That she would always be mine.
Sometimes we have to help those we love to make the right choices. He could never love her as I do. Now I have her in my house and in my bed where she belongs. Her children are mine now too. I can see her in their faces. Mark had been good for one thing. He helped me give her something I could not provide. It was unfortunate but necessary to do away with him and as an added bonus the idiot I used killed himself in the process. Although I'll always be grateful to him for having saved her that day from that speeding car. She had never taken a step without me knowing.
Everything is perfect now. Nothing is in our way. After all, who ever said the road to true love is an easy one. I open the door and as always she's standing by the window waiting for me. Looking at our children in the pool playing.
I walk over to her and take her in my arms. I put the lock of her hair that always rebelliously hangs on the side of her face back behind her ear. "I love you," I say and I kiss her softly. I love the taste of her lips and every time I'm near her I want to put my face in her hair and breathe her into myself. I want to make love to her so badly it hurts sometimes. My need for her is never ending. I love the smell, sight and taste of her. It's like a drug I can't do without. I'll never get enough. I look down and caress her stomach. "How is our baby?" I ask her.
She smiles and her hand caresses her belly too. Our baby is going to be a girl and will be born in another two months. Laura's more quiet these days. She doesn't talk much. Sometimes a haze comes over her eyes and for a brief moment there is sadness there. But I'll take care of that. Eventually, I'll take care of that too. We both couldn't win. He should have known that. When I play I always win. One of us had to die. Things are as they should be though. She's mine now. All mine.