The Effects of Xena Warrior Princess
on Middle America
by Trisha Von Doss, aka Xenamour
This is an essay of sorts, and since it doesn't
use characters, I don't think
it needs a disclaimer. If it does, just copy one from the other pieces I
sent please. Thanks, Trisha
In a small 1950's Tudor Style home, it's new paint job not yet complete, with it's dented and dusty Subaru in the drive, and it's slightly overgrown front lawn and weedy flowerbeds, sits an almost middle aged, almost middle class woman, eating Cambells Homestyle Cream of Chicken Soup.
Between crushing crackers and spooning mouthfulls of her dinner, she is anxiously attempting to program her VCR in time to record an upcoming episode of her favorite television show... Xena Warrior Princess. She's heard really promising things about this episode and she wants to make sure she records it for her flourishing Xena Library (Complete with every Commercially Available Episode, in Boxed Set, arranged by Season).
She is adorned in her adjustable Official Xena Warrior Princess Baseball Cap, (distressed grey with purple logo), and her One-Size-Fits-All Xena sleep shirt, with the sleeves rolled up 5 times so that they hang just above her elbows, and the bottom edges tied just above her knees. Xena's dryer-worn screenprinted profile, rests somewhere between the knot and her navel, an odd piece of lint attatched here and there. She would be wearing her Official Xena Warrior Princess Windbreaker too, except that... well... it's a bit like wearing blown fiberglass insulation... and the weather has just begun to turn warm.
Fresh from her local Community College Adult Night Class in jewelry making, she also sports a pair of mismatched Xena Warrior Princess Key Chains cleverly redesigned as earrings, as well as her Official Xena Warrior Princess Chakrum Pendant, which dangles discreetly by its Genuine Nawgahide Imitation Leather Thong, from her neck.
Her cat is in the process of redecorating her couch in that oh so popular "textured" look. Her dog, having given up on being fed anytime soon, is attempting to chew her way through the side of the garbage container in the kitchen. (She'd be more worried about this but the vet has recommended the animal get more roughage in her diet, and well.... Isn't plastic roughage?)
Her mother is on the answering machine, attempting to guilt her into picking up the phone.... Beeeeeeep. "Hi sweetheart...we haven't heard from you since this morning...and well, we were just wondering how you were doing. I'm feeling ok, except for this chest cold, and considering the lung transplant was more than a year ago...*cough*, I don't think I am in any real danger, do you? Your Dad, he's out mowing the yard... I told him not too... I mean the doctor did say bed rest for at least 2 weeks after the back surgery... But you know your Dad...*sigh*. Where are you anyway? It's 5:00 for goodness sake...you certainly shouldn't be out and about by yourself at this hour...not where you live...do you know I read that your area is ranked # 5 in the state for violent crimes. You really should be more carefull. Call me when you get in honey." Beeeeeeep.
Despite the distractions, she continues her attempts to conquer the finer points in VCR programming and, after wiping the soup off of the remote and changing the batteries... twice... Finally succeeds... with hardly a moment to spare. And so it is, with no small sense of accompishment, that she sits back into her favorite chair, puts her feet up on the ottoman, and settles in with contentment.
For one hour there is no cat, no dog, no telephone, no flowerbeds waiting to be weeded, no lawn waiting to be cut. The dented Subaru in driveway can wash itself. For one hour there is respite from her middle aged, middle classed world. She is fighting side by side with her heroines...her friends...as she has been every week for as long as she can remember.
She is enveloped in a world where everything is not only plausible but possible...a world where the enduring faith of two women...two soul mates... Never succumbs...but instead grows stronger...with every blow designed to beat it to its death. Together they oppose the forces of evil...defend others...and hold fast to courage, hope, love, and the Greater Good.
She is completely lost in the Xenaverse... unaware for the first time in eons of the loss of the *bond*, the problems in plot lines, character inconsistencies... story arcs. And once again Everything... Everything... is Right with the World.
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