“First Time Blues”
Disclaimer: Xena: Warrior Princess and the names, titles, and backstories used in “First Time Blues” are the sole property of MCA/Universal. The author intends no copyright infringement through the writing of this fan fiction.
Songbirds awoke Gabrielle to a beautiful morning. She yawned and stretched, and reached for her lover. She wasn’t there, but that was all right. Gabby no longer had to fear that Xena would abandon her somewhere for her own good. That wasn’t going to happen. Not after last night.
It was a wonderful morning, a perfect morning, the most perfect morning in all of creation, and Gabrielle’s happiness was uncontainable. She sat up and looked for her lover, and saw her sitting on a log with her back to Gabrielle, sharpening her sword. Xena stopped when she heard Gabrielle approaching from behind. Xena hung her head.
“Morning!” said Gabrielle, and there was such a full, rich, silky smooth and wondrous quality to her voice. She seemed to put worlds of meaning into that one word. No one hearing her say that one simple word could ever doubt that Xena and Gabrielle were anything but lovers.
Xena looked at Gabrielle with pain and sadness in her eyes. When she spoke her voice was sick with regret.
“I swore I would never do that to you,” said Xena.
Even her concern for Xena couldn’t dim the happiness in Gabrielle’s eyes.
“Why not?” she asked.
“I used you, Gabrielle.”
Gabrielle laughed. Then regretted it, because Xena was in real pain.
“How can you say that? Do you love me, Xena?”
“I just met you. I hardly know you.”
“Answer the damn question.”
They were both a little surprised at the boldness coming from Gabrielle, all of a sudden.
“If I loved you I’d take you back to Poteidaia right now. I wouldn’t let you ruin your life by staying with me.”
“Tell me you don’t love me and make me believe it. I’ll go, myself. Look at me and tell me.”
Xena looked at Gabrielle and said, “My heart is so full of love for you I can hardly stand it.”
“Good. And I love you.”
Gabrielle put one hand on Xena’s knee.
“Xena, I can’t do anything but love you. I could never love anyone else as much as I love you, and we’re stuck with each other. I’m stuck with this sullen, moody warrior, and you have to put up with this chatty annoying little screw-up. You wanted to be a decent person; well, this is what decent people do. They fall in love sometimes, and they act on it. They express it. And there’s nothing to be ashamed of. Nothing. Nobody used anyone. You gave me so much happiness last night, and it wasn’t just the pleasure, it was the joy of finally seeing and feeling how much you care about me. Tell me, you’ve used women before, haven’t you? You know what it’s like. Was it anything like last night?”
Xena stood up and faced away from Gabrielle. Gabrielle got up and stood in front of her.
“I’ve never experienced anything like last night.”
“Then what is the problem? Last night was the happiest night of my life. Why wasn’t it for you?”
“Maybe because you deserve it and I don’t.”
Gabrielle took Xena’s hands in her own.
“OK, maybe you don’t. You’ve done some terrible things, and I don’t even know half of them. Maybe you don’t deserve to fall in love. But I can’t live without you, Xena. I won’t live without you. If you leave me I’ll die, I swear I will. If you leave me it will be the most terrible thing you’ve ever done. So you tell me, do I deserve that?”
“How do you know that anyone couldn’t give you what I gave you?”
“I just know, OK? Now stop asking stupid questions and kiss me.”
Xena put her arms around Gabrielle and kissed her, and Gabrielle’s tongue played around in Xena’s mouth a little. When the kiss ended they pulled apart and looked at each other. Gabrielle smiled, and her nose crinkled in that wonderful, adorable way that made Xena just melt. Xena smiled for the first time that morning, and a strange sort of laughter escaped from her, surprising her completely.
“Life’s funny, isn’t it?” she said.
“Oh yeah, life is a riot, Xena.”
“How could someone like you love someone like me?”
“I don’t know. Let’s take a couple of lifetimes and figure it out together, OK?”