The Day The World Turned Looney
By: AMAZON MOON
The characters of Xena and Gabrielle do not belong to me, I'm merely borrowing them from their slave masters MCA/ Universal. No infridgement of copyright is intended and no monies are made anyway so don't go dragging this poor inspiring bard to the courthouse!
Stories are for all, but I think I should tell you, if you didn't already
know, that this is an Alt. story (as for norm, the usual Amazon Moon
production) so you know where you're heading. If it somehow has an
undesirable effect on you, please don't stay. There are many other nice
stories of Mickey Mouse and his friends out there.
This is my first attempt at making my own html document... I guess I'm pretty proud of it. :) All comments, good or evil (hopefully more good than evil) should go to yours truly at firstname.lastname@example.org. I look forward to hearing from you all.
This story is for the fellow Xenites: Stone, Lesley and Kat. Thanks for being so wonderful. And for Sewmach and Trait too, of course... for that little inspiration thingy that sparked off another story on 23rd January, 12:30am. What would I do without you crazy people? ;)
Battle on, Xenites! ~Amazon Moon 1999
"We're friends, Ephany," Gabrielle grinned as they pulled away. "It's only right that we should come.
I'm sure Solari and you make a wonderful couple."
"That's right," Xena agreed as they settled down inside the Amazon Queen's quarters. "Gabrielle and
I- we wouldn't miss it for the world."
"Where's Solari?" Gabrielle asked as she sipped the refreshingly cool drink that Ephany pored her.
"She's probably working on her Amazon marriage vows right now," Ephany smiled as her son Xenan
trotted over to join them at the table. He had grown bigger since they had last seen him. He had
recently past his eighth birthday.
"Hello Xenan," Gabrielle greeted the little amazon-centaur, her eyes full of warmth. "How have you
"Good," Xenan smiled as he casually flicked his tail.
"Go play with Edya, Xenan," Ephany told her son gently. "Let us three talk. We've got a lot of
catching up to do."
Xena smiled, bobbing his little head obiediently before trotting out of the compound.
"Who's Edya?" Xena questioned. "A new Amazon?"
"I guess you could say that," Ephany mused. "She's six years old... and Xenan's girlfriend."
The three laughed merrily. It seemed so long, Gabrielle shook her head as Ephany refilled her cup.
It's been so long. Like forever. She looked at Xena, studying the warrior princess unobviously.
She's changed too, Gabrielle noticed. Strange. Why is it only now that I've realised? We've all aged.
All of us.
"Huh?" The bard refocused and turned her attention to her Amazon sister.
"You seemed so far away," Ephany told her, concern showing on her face. "Is everything all right?"
Gabrielle felt a familiar hand on her shoulder. The touch. She knew it was Xena. They've had been
strangers, friends, bestfriends then soulmates. She smiled and patted the warrior's hand reassuringly.
"Don't you worry about me, I'm fine."
"How's Xenan reacting to you marrying Solari, anyway?" Gabrielle asked, trying to change the
subject. No one fell for it but Ephany answered her anyway. "He's taking it well. Edya is Solari's
niece, and I think the both of them are thrilled."
Xena reached over suddenly, and planted a quick kiss on her bard's forehead, her blue eyes
radiating fondness. "You must be tired after that journey, Gabrielle. Maybe you should get some
"I need to help Ephany with her vows," Gabrielle protested as she touched the side of her warrior's
face. "I'll go to bed when I'm done. I'll be fine."
"All right," Xena nodded rather grudgingly. "I'll wait for you at our quarters. Don't be long now." She
got up and with a smile, headed off to retire for the night.
"You've finally melted the stone," Ephany observed, impressed. "It would be quite hard to believe
after seeing this, that Xena used to be a destroyer of nations." They laughed light-heartedly at her
"She's still tough," Gabrielle defended her warrior. "She leads and she's still stubborn... and she's
Ephany handed her friend an ink bottle and a quill as she gathered some empty scrolls to work on. "I
hope Solari and I will be as happy as you and Xena."
Gabrielle smiled. "C'mon, Eph, we only have a day left before your wedding. We better get started
on your vows."
"You're right," Ephany looked a bit worried.
"Don't worry," Gabrielle reassured her friend as she dipped the end of the quill into the ink. "If we
work together, it'll be done sooner than you think."
Gabrielle fluttered her eyes and saw the early rays of the morning sun entering the window... wait.
She jerked herself upright, feeling startled and confused. She had fallen asleep on the table... over
there but where in Tartarus was she? This wasn't Ephany's hut.
She heard someone come in behind her and by quick reflex, picked up her hardy staff which was
leaning against the table and swung it to meet the sneaker behind her.
"Whoa!" a shrill voice screamed as the butt of the staff came inches away from her face. The
"intruder" dropped her basket of nutbread and recoiled, fear in her eyes.
"Oh, I'm so sorry," Gabrielle apologized as she dropped her staff. It was a woman in peasant's
clothes. Now wait a minute... "Xena?"
"I'm so sorry Gabrielle," Xena mumbled as she went down on all fours, a flustered look on her
features. She picked up the basket and dusted the bread before popping them back in. "That was so
clumsy of me... please, please Gabrielle, don't even breathe a word of this to J..."
"Xena?" Gabrielle held the woman by her arms and studied her mousy expression, her scared eyes.
"Xena, that you?"
"Yes... Gabrielle," the peasant-clothed woman before her nodded, uncertainty in her fearful blue
eyes. "Is something wrong?"
"Hah! I should be the one asking you, warrior princess!" Gabrielle challeneged as she studied her
friend. But she just stood there, in her house dress and the basket of freshly baked nutbread in her
hands and looking bewildered.
"Xena, are you okay?" Gabrielle questioned, concerned, as she felt her bestfriend's forehead. She
seemed fine. But why the sudden change? "What's with the peasant dress?"
"Gabrielle, did you touch the henbane?" Xena questioned, looking at her as if she'd gone mad.
"Warrior princess? Why, that's the last thing I'd want to be in the world!"
Gabrielle was about to say something when a man walked in. His impressive frame and presence
was immediately felt. He was definately a warrior. Anyone could tell. Gabrielle stared at him, her
eyes wide and her mouth agape. "...Joxer?"
"Hey Gabrielle," Joxer nodded as he casually grabbed a loaf of nutbread and tore it with his teeth.
Xena cowered in his presence, her eyes shifted down. He grunted. "Slept well?"
"Have you been on steroids?" the bard questioned, feeling lost. She used her staff to support herself.
It seemed to be the only familiar thing around her so far.
"Steroids?" Joxer frowned. Xena shuddered and quickly pulled her friend to a corner.
"You shouldn't anger my husband like that, Gabrielle," Xena whispered, her eyes relecting the same
expression like a deer caught in Amazon hunting flames (or the eariler version of car headlights).
"...don't want him to get mad now, do you?"
"Husband?" Gabrielle gasped, feeling her jaw go slack and hit the ground (well, not literally!).
"You're married to him?"
"Gabrielle, sometimes I worry about you," Xena sighed as she shook her mane of dark hair. Before
Gabrielle could speak, an army of kids trooped into the kitchen, making a Tartarus of a racket.
"Mommy, we've HUNNNGRY!!" a small child with Joxer's nose wailed. Beside him, his elder sister
with startling blue eyes screamed when another sibling with black hair tugged at her locks. There
were six kids in all.
"Okay, okay, Mommy will fix you breakfast... quiet now and don't disturb your father," Xena
pleaded. Gabrielle looked at Joxer, who was in the livingroom area. He had his feet propped up and
was reading the morning scroll. Since when did they have kids? Had she gone crazy? Had she
overdosed on henbane? What in Tartarus was going on?
"They're all... your kids?" Gabrielle questioned hesitantly as they watched them march away, the
screaming wails echoing off to a distance.
"Yeah," Xena sighed as she hurried clattered over the stove, trying to prepare breakfast for six
hungry tummies as fast she she could. "Joxher, Joxhim, Joxme, Joxagain, Joxthehorse,
Gabrielle settled herself down on the chair, feeling a tad giddy. The world had changed. Either that
or she had flipped completely.
"You've got mail!" Joxer called out suddenly, standing before them with a letter in his hand. "Yours,
"You don't call me Gabby anymore," Gabrielle observed as she took the note from his hand.
"Not since our breakup," Joxer replied.
The bard nearly did a double take. "Wha?"
"...After you married Perdicas," Xena twisted her apron nervously, her frightened blues flittering
between her domineering husband and bestfriend. "You should go back soon... I don't think he can
handle all of your twelve kids."
"Twelve?!" Gabrielle yelled, her eyes round. She stared down at her abs. It was impossible. She
couldn't have had twelve kids... her abs were still good.
"You made a mistake wrench," Joxer scolded as he wacked the back of his wife's head. "It's
fourteen... she gave birth to twins last summer... can't you count?" Xena gave a whimper then hurried
back to her cooking before they saw her tears.
Gabrielle frowned. "Isn't Peridcas dead already?"
Joxer sighed as he folded his arms across his wide chest. "You really wish him dead, don't you?" He
walked out of the room as he shook his head disapprovingly, leaving her alone and confused.
Just then, Gabrielle heard a chyme. She went to the door and opened it. "YOU?! What are you
"I'm Callisto, the children's tutor," the conservatively dressed blonde introduced herself. "May I..."
"You should be dead!" Gabrielle cried out passionately.
"Well yes, uhm, technically," Callisto shifted the weight of the books she held in her scrawny arms.
"But I love children so much... they are the light of our lives, our hopes, our future, of peace and joy
"All right, all right!" Gabrielle surrendered, widening the door to allow the tutor in as she tried to clear
her head. "Come on in." She followed Callisto as she entered the house, into the room where the
children were, finishing their meal.
Their grubby little faces grinned and Gabrielle noted with a smile, their many missing tooths. The
children looked overjoyed to see their teacher. "Yayyy! Miss Callisto is here! Miss Callisto is here!"
Gabrielle watched, open-eyed as Callisto settled them down gently... almost lovingly and slowly
proceeded to teach them the greek alphabet. The bard shut the door behind her a few candlemarks
later, leaving the "tutor" with the kids alone in the room, when she was sure Callsito wasn't going to
fry the kids. Things were going way absurd. She suddenly remembered about the letter in her hand.
She broke the seal and read it.
Dearest Gabrielle, you are cordinally invited to attend the grand opening of our Amazon
Sushi Bar in Athens..."
Gabrielle forced herself to sit down as she continued the letter, feeling that her heart would attack her
anytime soon. She scanned it through before reaching the end. It was sighed,
She did a double take. What happened to the Amazon nation? They were starting a sushi venture?
What was sushi anyway? Gabrielle squeezed her eyes shut then opened them again. Nope, nothing's
changed. Everything was still the same... Callisto in the next room singing a "Come Piggy" nursery
rhyme with Xena and Joxer's six kids, Xena: Domestic Engineer (it's just a less degrading term for
housewives) just doing the finishing touches to one of Joxer's meded clothes, and Joxer reading his
scroll with his feet propped up. What was wrong anyway, Gabrielle questioned herself.
"Gabby, honey, what was that mail about?" Xena asked her bestfriend from the kitchen. She had her
hair tied up in a scarf and she was now on all fours, scrubbing the grime off the kitchen floor. Joxer
gave a grunt as he flipped his scroll.
"Uhm," Gabrielle started, feeling as if she were in some sort of crazy dream. "Ephany? Well, she
invited me for her company's grand opening... her, Amazon Sushi Bar." That sounded really wierd.
What was sushi?
"Wow, who else is going? Any guests of honour?" Xena asked as she wiped her nose with the back
of her hand.
Gabrielle checked the note again, her intense green eyes scanning it for details. "Yeah, yeah... uh,
Hercules, Iolaus, Ares:god of music and dance... Ares, god of music and dance?!" She looked
again, making sure. But the words were there, clear and printed.
"I heard that honey," the housewife called out as she scrubbed the floors clean. "Go on with the list."
Geesh, Gabrielle noted with a funny feeling in her stomache. She made it sound perfectly normal. But
Ares? God of music and dance? That was a real character change. She continued her list.
"Ares... and Aprodite: goddess of... war," Gabrielle raised her eyebrows. Aprodite trading her
see-through nightie for sword and armour? What in Tartarus was wrong with the world today?
"That's interesting," Xena said from the kitchen. Her voice, or something she said, must have irritated
her husband. Joxer bolted out from his chair, an angry expression on his flushed face, his rolled up
scroll in hand. "By the gods, why can't you shut up, woman? Can't you bloody see I'm trying to read
Gabrielle heard a small scared whimper in the kitchen before all was quiet. The only sounds left were
Xena's scrubbing in the kitchen and the mingled gay voices of Callisto: "Save the Children" Tutor and
the kids in the next room.
Well, at least I'll have Hercules and Iolaus with me, Gabrielle told herself as she looked at the
strange world around. We'll figure this thing out together.
"I'll be heading off to Athens now," Gabrielle told the house. Her voice seemed to echo off the walls.
It was as if she was speaking to herself. "...don't want to be late."
No one spoke. Gabrielle sighed as she made her way to Xena. she paused for a minute when she
passed something. She turned her head to the right, where a small cage was. She stooped down and
peered into it. There was a single brown and white coloured hamster playing around. But it was the
small little signboard above it that caught her eye. It said ARGO.
Gabrielle pulled away and shaking clear her amazement, she headed into the now sparkling clean
kitchen. The devoted home-maker was by the sink, wiping dry her tears as she did the dishes. The
bard tapped her friend on the shoulder. "Xena?"
"Oh, you're going now?" the brunette asked, turning to face her.
"Yeah," Gabrielle nodded. "You coming?"
Xena turned to the pile of dirty plates stacked high. "I think not, Gabrielle. It really would be fun and
stuff... but I've got my dishes to do."
"I could wait till you're done with them," the bard offered.
"Then I've got the laundry to finish," Xena went on. "And after that I need to work on the garden
"All right, so you can't come," Gabrielle stopped her. She was Xena and yet she was not. She
needed to find Hercules and Iolaus... fast.
Gabrielle soon reached Athens. The party was starting in less than an hour. She had no trouble at all,
finding Ephany's Amazon Sushi Bar. She spotted her Amazon sister and waved cheerily. "Ephany!"
The Amazon smiled and headed over to her side. "Gabrielle! So glad you could make it!"
"Sorry, Xena couldn't come, she was..."
"Oh, no problem about that, we expected that really."
"She's always been that type anyway. And it just got worst after she married Joxer," Ephany
Gabrielle was just about to ask what sushi was when Ephany got distracted.
"Here comes a god, Gabrielle... need to say Hi."
Gabrielle watched her friend leave, trailing her with her eyes. She watched as Ephany approached a
well-built man with long dark locks. Strange, Gabrielle stared harder. That god looked a lot like the
Ares she knew... just that this one didn't wear black leather or a beard and was in... a pink tutu.
"Hey Gabby! Glad you could make it!" a familiar voice said beside her. The bard swirled around and
saw a grinning Salmoneas. "How've you been anyway? Heard you got an extra set of twins last
"Salmoneas?" Gabrielle raised her eyebrows. There there was something different about him... no, he
still had his beard... what was it? "What are you trying to sell today?"
"Oh no, no, no, no, Miss Sunshine," the man waved his hands infront of him as he shook his head.
"I'm not going down that path again. No more sales and trades for me. I've been busy setting up
orphanages and family shelters."
"...In fact, I hope to open another over at Cirphodeia, in addition to my other sixteen homes for the
needy," Salmoneas continued, a serious expression on his face.
"Excuse me," Gabrielle excused herself as she walked away. Even Sal was creepy! She felt thristy all
of a sudden. She walked towards the bartender.
"Hey Blonde sugar," the good-looking bartender smiled irresitibly. "What can I get ya? He was a
handsome man, in shiny, ditzy disco clothes and a pair of raybans. He also sprouted a pair of fluffy
white wings behing him.
"Cupid?" Gabrielle raised her eyebrows, surprised the god had turned bartender.
"Yep," Cupid replied as he removed his shades, throwing a killer look down at the bard. "In the
flesh, and at your service."
"Since when did you turn barkeep?"
"Nah, it's only a part-time job."
"You know what, forget it, I'm not thirsty," Gabrielle told him as she left, thankful for her familiar
sturdy staff. She glanced around and noticed that all the Amazons were wearing modest pink and
white lance dresses. Was that supposed to be their usual garb?
"Hello Gabrielle!" Gabrielle found Autolycus infront of her. He'd gained a few hefty pounds since
they last met, the bard noted.
"Hi Auto," she smiled. "...stolen anything lately?"
Autolycus' jaw went immediately slack. It took him awhile to recover. "Are you kidding? How can
Athens' top security officer steal anything? Now missy, if there's something you're not telling me..."
"No, no," Gabrielle forced a chuckle. "It was supposed to be a joke... a mere joke. Haha." She
casually excused herself. "Excuse me."
As she was making her way out, Gabrielle felt herself bump into somebody. "Oh, I'm sorry..."
An armoured woman stared back at her, eyes blazing. Aprodite.
"Aprodite?" Gabrielle recoiled, amazed. The goddess was dressed in dyed red leather and carried a
sword with her. It was so strange, seeing the goddess of love with a mean and bulky pewter blade.
The blonde goddess of war softened a little as she placed her hands on her hips. "Hello Gabrielle.
How's life with Perdicas the pig farmer and his twelve... no, fourteen kids?"
Gabrielle caught a sudden glimpse of Ares soaring in the air, in mid-dance in his brightly coloured
pink tutu. She suddenly didn't feel very well. She excused herself. Maybe it wasn't such a good idea
afterall, to come to the party. Where was Hercules and Iolaus?
Suddenly the crowd parted into two, like Moses (was he manufactured yet?) crossing the red sea.
Two funky looking musicians (or men dressed to seem like them) came saunteering in cooly, flashing
teeth and finger signs... er, peace signs. They looked like cool rap musicians. If rap musicians had
existed tehn, in Ancient Greece.
"Herc and Iolaus?" Gabrielle croaked as she watched them sign autographs and noted the huge
bunch of screaming fans that had to be blocked off by the two's bodyguards. "Oh boy."
It was soon time to settle and everyone headed to the table.
"Thank you all for coming," Ephany, new CEO of the Amazon Sushi Bar (what is sushi?) stood up
at the head of the long table. She gave a confident smile and everyone quietened down.
"I'd like to thank Gabrielle, especially, for giving me the idea to open this Sushi Bar. To Gabrielle!"
Ephany toasted her friend. Everyone gave a supportive chorus. "Now, I shall present the first sushi
dish to her..."
A cart rumbled by and Ephany took the plate off the cart. It had a lid over it so no one could see
what inside held. The Amazon CEO placed it infront of the eager bard. She gave a smile and with a
flourish, took the lid off.
Everyone at the long table craned their necks to see what exactly sushi was (apparently no one else
knew too). Gabrielle saw a huge pink and oddly-familiar squishy(pun intended) looking thing infront
of her. She thought she saw it move but regarded it as just over-bardy imagination and nothing more.
"What's this sushi?"
"It's raw fish," Ephany patiently explained. "But in your case, well, it's raw squid."
No sooner than she said that, the squishy looking sushi (hey, I just created a tongue twister- bet
you can't say it right quick 15 times!) came to life and flew unto Gabrielle's face, attacking her with
its dangerously waving tenticles. The bard screamed bloody murder before everything went black.
"Wake up, Gabrielle!"
The bard moaned as she lifted her head. It was a new day and she felt as awkard as a penguin on
skates. What was that anyway? Did they exist in Greece?
"C'mon!" she felt strong arms lifting her up and she forced her eyes open. She stared into concerned
blue familiars. She blinked. "...Xena?"
"Don't you have to do the dishes and the laundry and..."
"What?" the warrior princess raised an eyebrow. She placed a hand over her partner's head, feeling
her temperature. "Are you all right, Gabrielle?... You fell asleep over at Ephany's and I had to carry
you back here last night."
"You mean it was all a dream?" Gabrielle asked the both of them: Xena and herself.
"You can tell me all about it later," the warrior told her. "But right now we've got a wedding to
Ephany and Solari's wedding was beautiful. Edya and Xenan were so adorable as the flower boy
and girl. It was so magical. Everyone was there.
Gabrielle watched the wedding procession as she sat beside her warrior, their arms lovingly linked.
She smiled the whole time and felt a slight tinge of envy. When would it be their turn?
"It's so beautiful," the bard whispered as Solari finished her vows and Ephany started hers.
"You're beautiful," Xena whispered back, love and affection shown in her eyes. They squeezed each
other's hands warmly and continued watching the joyous ceremony.
Ephany said the last of her vows then rolled away the scroll she and Gabrielle had worked on eariler.
She smiled at Solari, and Gabrielle could feel the deep bond between the two.
The bard watched as they exchanged wedding bands and everyone cheered when they kissed.
Gabrielle caught Ephany's eye and winked. Ephany winked back, a shy but happy smile on her
glowing features. They certainly looked great together, Gabrielle grinned as she clapped.
"They'll be going to Lesbos for their honeymoon," Gabrielle informed her partner once they reached
the privacy of their quarters.
"Lesbos?" Xena said as she sat by the side of their bed, removing her boots for the night. "That's
"It was so romantic, their marriage," Gabrielle smiled to herself as she sat on the other side of the
bed, kicking her shoes off. "I just love weddings."
"You do, huh?" Xena grinned as she removed her bulky breastplate. "But I'm sure there's one which
you'll love even more."
"We're going to another wedding?" Gabrielle raised her eyebrows, surprised. "Whose?"
"Ours," the warrior princess said simply as she magically whipped out a red and green gemmed gold
ring from her cleavage. "I got this last night... when you were over at Ephany's."
"But how?" Gabrielle questioned, shocked by the sight of the beautifully crafted love offering before
her. "You went to bed early."
"That's what you thought," Xena grinned. "But I didn't. I rode two miles on Argo to get this. And
now, Gabrielle, beautiful Amazon princess, talented bard of Poteidaia... will you marry me?"
"Why Xena... yes, of course," Gabrielle nodded as she clamped her mouth, trying to keep herself
from crying out with joy. Tears of happiness were already forming in her eyes.
Xena smiled as she tenderly slid the ring up her bard's finger. It was a perfect fit. She'd made sure
about that. "I love you Gabrielle."
"I love you too, Xena," Gabrielle's voice wobbled as she reached over and hugged her partner, the
ring sparkling majestically in the dark.
*****************************[ THE END ]*******************************
DISCLAIMER: Xena and Gabrielle were not married (yet) during this production.
Xena (domestic housewife/ warrior princess) ***** Lucy Lawless
Gabrielle *************************************** Renee O'connor
Callisto: Children lover and educator *********** Hudson Leick
Joxer: irritating MCP *************************** Ted Raimi
Ares: god of music and dance ******************** Kevin Smith
Aprodite: goddess of war ************************ Alexandra Tydings
Hercules: disco rapper 1 ************************ Kevin Sorbo
Iolaus :disco rapper 2 ************************** Michael Hurst
Cupid: part-time bartender, full-time love god ** Karl Urban
Salmoneas: generous saint *********************** Robert Trebor
Autolycus: Athen's top cop tough guy ************ Bruce Campbell
Ephany (Amazon/ CEO) **************************** Dianelle Cormack
Narrator/ Writer/ Director/ Camera-woman/ etc. ** Amazon Moon
Yep, that's it, you've reached the end. How do you think about the story? I really would like to
know. Send all queries, comments or endless gushings (sincere ones will do... LOL) in a
self-addressed stamped email-lope to me. If you've been reading all my stuff and feel that you should send me some money, that's fine too. :-)
HERE'S TO WORLD PEACE!!!AMAZON MOON 1999c.
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