The Prayer

by B.S.Barber


You know the drill: they're not mine but I wish they were. I do claim the story idea, though.
Mental anguish - yes.
Love - yes.

Xena, I prey you can hear me. I know you're ready to give up, but I can't let you do that. Not yet. Not like this. Not with you hating me. I can't say I blame you. I hate myself for all that's happened. For all the pain I've caused you.

I never meant to lie to you. About any of it. But, I couldn't take the life of my own child, Xena. Not then. Not after looking at that sweet, innocent face. My child. Despite how she came to be. Remember how hard it was for you to give up Solon? Even knowing it was the only way to keep him safe? And that he would still be alive and protected.

When I found you holding him... the grief in your eyes, the hatred in your voice.... I wanted to die. I would gladly have taken his place. But I couldn't. So I left you there, in your pain, and did the one thing I never thought myself capable of.

I willingly took a life, Xena. Planned how to do it, and executed it with flawless precision. And I did it for you. I murdered my own child, for you. My Hope.

But it wasn't enough, was it. You still shunned me. I was the demon - the one who lied to you and betrayed you and cost you your son's life. Not Callisto. Not Dahak. Not Hope. Me.

I guess it's easier for you that way. If you push everyone who loves you, everyone you love, out of your life, you can never be hurt again. Well, I've been hurt, too, Xena. I've lost as well. I lost Perdicus, I lost Hope. And I've lost you.

I think that hurts worse than anything. Not being able to comfort you. Seeing the haunted look back in your eyes. Your cries that day tore at my soul, crushing my heart with each scream. The sound of your anguish is forever burned into my mind. No punishment of Hades design could ever be as cruel as the knowledge that I caused you such pain. It will haunt me beyond eternity.

I still love you. I always will. Gods, Xena! This hurts almost as much as when I thought I'd lost you for good. Why did we go to Brittania? Why did you have to go after Caesar again? You lost M'lila and you lost yourself the first time. Wasn't that enough? Must I pay the price this time?

Please don't shut me out. Don't do this to us. There is still an us, you know. There always will be. I knew it the first time we met. That spark that captured your attention long enough to get you clobbered. Guess I've been causing you to get clobbered ever since, huh. I'm sorry for that. But I'm not sorry we met. Or that we've been together this long. I am sorry if it has to end. Especially this way. I prey it doesn't. That what we have is strong enough to survive. Despite everything. I know it's going to take a lot, for you to work through all this. But I'm willing to do whatever is needed, Xena. I'll wait. To me, it's worth it. You are worth it.



Is This Illusia

Darkness all around me, no light to guide me
Shining, through this mass of insanity
Sweat-slicked hair, dripping, no time for vanity
Lead me from this place of illusion.

Images come, real or not, I no longer care
Ripping at my soul, threatening, to lay it bare
Leaving a trail of pieces, to follow, if I dare
Lead me from this place of delusion.

I rant I rage I cry I scream
With bleeding hands I tear the seam
That binds me to this nightmare dream
Lead me from this place of confusion.

What was love is now hate
What was chance is now fate
What was to be is now too late
Lead me from this place of conclusion.

Home Page <> Alt Fic Index