By MaryE

COPYRIGHT DISCLAIMER: Xena:Warrior Princess, Gabrielle, Argo and other characters who have appeared in the program Xena:Warrior Princess do not belong to me. But I love them anyway. They along with backstory, names, titles etc. belong to MCA/Universal Studios and Renaissance Pictures. No copyright infringement is intended in the writing of this story. The story idea and the story itself are the sole property of the author. The story cannot be sold or used for profit in any way. Copies of this story may be made for personal use only and must have all disclaimers attached.

Note: This story remains the copyright of the author and cannot be republished without the author's consent.

LOVE/SEX DISCLAIMER: This story contains scenes depicting a love/sex relationship between two consenting adult women. If you are under 18 years of age or if you are in a country or state that considers such material as illegal do not read further. If depictions of this type of story upset or offend you, read something else.

VIOLENCE: There is no more violence in this story than in an episode of the program Xena:Warrior Princess. In fact, there is little violence at all.

HUMOR: Yes, there is humor. If you are humorless you will miss it. If you are offended by the idea of a humorous story regarding Xena:Warrior Princess, skip this one. If it makes you smile or laugh, enjoy. Send comments to MaryEic@AOL.com


It was a seedy dump, barely better than staying out in the rain. The proprietor wore a tattered apron and hadn't attended to his personal hygiene since Ares was a kid. Xena met him with a cold steel gaze and Gabrielle tapped her foot nervously. The man smiled a sparse-toothed grin at the two travelers and grasping the dinars quickly from Xena's hand motioned to a rickety staircase behind him.

"Up there, my dear ladies. Your boudoir awaits." He chortled. His hand found nothing but air as he attempted to pinch Gabrielle's butt when she swooped past. Shaking her head, Xena resisted the urge to draw her sword.

"Come on, Gabrielle." Xena ascended the stairs two at a time and would have preferred to leap them all together except that Gabrielle's withering frown prevented her from calling any further attention to them. The little blonde creaked her way up the staircase clinging to the handrail. "How bad can it be?" she muttered. "And how the Hades did I twist my ankle again?"

Xena having already peered into their assigned room stared back an icy blue answer to the first question.

"Okay, okay." Sighed Gabrielle. "I know. Never ask a question you don't really want the answer to."

Limping down the narrow hall, the bard stepped into their room. "Gods! I've never seen any place this…" The bard stopped, aware of Xena's smirk and intimidated by the warrior's hands on her hips told-ya-so posture. "It'll do. It'll do! I'm not spending one more night out there, Xena. The bugs, the rocks, the rain for Hera's sake. Give me a break here!"

Wiping cobwebs from the small wooden chair, the room's only chair, Gabrielle sat down and leaned her head wearily against her fighting stick. Xena moved only to fold her arms across her chest. The smirk remained. "Shall we order room service or dress up and go downstairs to dine?" She asked the disappointed and very weary young woman. "Or should I just start a fire and catch a few rats?"

"Enough with the wise cracks, Xena. I'm too tired to eat anyway."

"Well there's a sentence I've never heard you utter before."

"Cute!" Gabrielle shot back, her green eyes narrowed to humorless slits. "I'm not in the mood!"

"I believe Perdicus heard that one!" Xena laughed, pressing on the bed causing a small storm of dust to rise. "Come here, my Queen. Your satin sheets await."

Unbuckling her armor, Xena settled out of her fighting dress and boots and stretched out on the ancient mattress. It groaned. She didn't. Her feet hung off the bottom of the bed and her head bounced off the stone-like pillow. "Um, comfy. Bet we drift right off."

The crash of thunder obscured Gabrielle's response, but her upturned finger was unmistakable in the bright flash.

"Charming, my sweet little bard." Laughed Xena. Then deciding she had teased the woman sufficiently for having dragged them into this forsaken inn, she smiled that dazzling smile and set about fluffing the blankets and making the bed as inviting as it's potential allowed. "We've endured worse, Gabrielle." She said consolingly. "Even in this place, I will never leave you. After all, being a Queen, you make any place a palace."

Gabrielle brightened visibly. "Has to be, my warrior, we're both royalty." She drew a clean white shirt from her furry purse, looked at it, then past to the bed, and put the garment back in the bag. "White may not make it." She muttered. "Better stick to the BGSB and skirt ensemble."

Xena arched an eyebrow. "Or you could go au naturale…"

"I'd probably get a fungus." Sneered Gabrielle. "I'm not going through that again."

Xena nodded. "Good thinking, Scabrielle." Then looking down at her own beige tunic shrugged in a way that conveyed "what the Tartarus".

Gabrielle busied herself straightening the sparse items in the room and lighting the several bits of candle she retrieved from the fireplace. Soon the room took on a soft yellow glow that burnished her hair and enhanced the pale skin of her face, arms and taut abs.

Xena let her eyes drift along those abs adoringly. She liked muscles especially when they asserted themselves beneath soft, golden skin. A navel chain would make the bard irresistible, but she didn't known how to share these thoughts with her friend, her source, her light. She feared that Gabrielle wouldn't share her preferences and would go screaming into the night, leaving her forever and very possibly scaring Argo. At least she lightened her hair, thought Xena. 'Blonde. I really, really dig blonde!' She felt her breeches creep up her buttocks as she watched the bard unbraid her hair and swing it freely about her shoulders. 'Gods, Gab - three years of subtext and I still can't get past innuendo and longing looks. Thank Artemis that the current brace of warlords is intimidated by my reputation. If they only knew how wimpy I am around a certain beautiful little blonde bard.' Touching her yearning thighs, she added, 'The lust they'd recognize.'

Kneeling beside the twig bed, Gabrielle folded her hands and said her prayers aloud, imagining a beam of Elysianly light streaming toward her from beyond the boarded window. "It's okay about the hot tub not being here, dear gods. At least you brought us to safe shelter in the storm."

Xena's face turned sickly and she strolled over to bolt the haphazard door barely wedged in its frame. The bolt broke off in her hand. Xena took her sword and drove it into the doorframe to brace the door and secure their privacy.

'A bit butch tonight,' thought Gabrielle as her wide, green eyes snapped toward the thudding of the sword. 'Must be PMS.' She had speculated that Xena's worst warlord activities coincided with her menstrual cycle in one of her early scrolls. But over time, she'd nearly abandoned the theory. After all, Xena did eradicate the Amazon leaders while she was pregnant. Still, she suspected a hormonal connection of some sort afflicted the warrior princess.

A flash of lightening illuminated Gabrielle lying curled to one side in the short, narrow bed. Xena licked her lips and jogged to the bed in three quick strides.

"I'll get us a big breakfast in the morning, little one." She cooed as she claimed her half of the thin blanket. "I have a feeling you'll be quite hungry by then."

"Ummph, maybe." Mumbled Gabrielle, her hair having fallen into her mouth. "Chances would be better if we had a hot tub." She seized the blanket to her chin. 'Did I actually say that out loud? What if Xena read something sexual into it? Oh, Aphrodite! She'd never understand her virginal little friend making a suggestive comment. She'd leave me for sure, ululating into the night. And probably scare Argo.'

Unaware of Gabrielle's unfolding trauma, Xena lay on her back, her hands behind her head, feet trailing off the bottom of the bed and listened to the rain pummeling the walls. 'Can't hear myself think.' She heard herself think. 'But I can certainly feel.' Her loins were alive with wanting. 'What did Gabrielle just say about a hot tub?' She paused and a smile etched its way salaciously across her beautiful face. 'My little bard, fantasy just won't cut it tonight.' Rolling toward the smaller woman, Xena wrapped her arms about Gabrielle and drew her flush against her body. Her breath caught as a layer of dust lifted off the sheet.

Gabrielle shuddered. 'Oh my gawds! Xena did read something into my comment.' She felt her thighs grow moist and her breathing grow raspy. "Cough. Choke."

"Oh, yes." Moaned Xena. "Tell me what you like." Her mouth smothered Gabrielle's with a long, searing kiss. Her hands held the blonde's face still between them and she launched a leg around Gabrielle's hips, softly rubbing the curly mound beneath her skirt. She could feel the bard gasping for air as her tongue dove into the sweet, succulent mouth.


"Yeah, me, too." Xena crooned, her hands traveling down Gabrielle's body.


"Oh, yes, sweetie. I hear ya." Xena rolled on top of her young friend and felt bolts of sensual fire skitter through her groin.

"Um. What are you doing?" Gabrielle, having cleared her throat, asked in a flat voice.

"Kissing you."


"And touching you."

"Uh huh."

"Feeling you up, actually."

"I see."

"That's okay. I don't mind having someone watch." Xena whispered in her bard's ear as her own throbbing center began to grind against Gabrielle's muscular thigh. "What else are you doing?"

"Um. Well. Nothing much. Just lying here."

"Good strategy." Purred Xena. "Soon you'll have me right where you want me. Keep it up. Just lie there. Works for me."

A musky fragrance began to swirl around the entwined bodies and Gabrielle wriggled her nose. "Ah, Xena. I think we're supposed to be ambiguous about our relationship. I don't think we are ready to commit to something beyond really, really, really close, adoring, heartfelt friendship. You know?"

"The only thing I'm ambiguous about is whether I do you first or you do me."

"See. I knew it, Xena. You have doubts."

"Na-na. Loving every moment of it." Xena lilted. "I never have doubts. Not with Borias, Lao Ma, Hercules, Iolaus, that guy from the island with the not dead wife, amazons, blacksmiths, barmaids, Calli - ah - you know, the lot of them."

"Quite a lot of them, it would seem." Gabrielle harumphed. How could she hope to measure up, she wondered. "Wait. Were you going to say Callisto?"

"Ah, no." Xena was nearing the edge. Her body aflame with desire, she found the talking a distraction. She needed to focus. Time to try the old let-me-say-your-name-real-sexy ploy. "Come on, Ga-bri-elle. Let's get wet."

Xena slid to one side and moved her hand beneath Gabrielle's skirt. "Okay. You're already wet. Now let's get down." With a rip, the skirt was gone and seconds later followed the soft, lacy breeches beneath. Xena dipped her fingers into the moist, warm folds and began intently stroking from clit to slit. Gabrielle squirmed. 'So that's what they mean by fist a fish.' She thought. "Ah, ooh, Xena. I ah, I ah…"

"Yeah, feels great, huh?"

"Well, I'm not sure I'm that kind of girl."

Xena began untying the BGSB with her free hand. "Of course you are, little bard. I've been surfing those web scrolls. You have had more first nights with me - fictionally speaking - then a ten dinar hooker." Setting free the plump young breasts, Xena drew her tongue along the soft flesh and then suckled greedily. "Umm, this…ummmm, is…umm, ohh, umm, one of your…umm, favorites."

Gabrielle felt her body lurch toward the busy mouth. "Okay," she acknowledged as desire did away with her rational defenses. "I'm good with this. I'm into it. And I definitely urge you to continue. Not that I know how this ends, of course."

All movement ceased as Xena lifted her head and eyebrows simultaneously. "Yeah, right."

"Well, how about you, my warriorly one? Are we admitting to Xena: Warrior Lesbian Princess?"

"Ever since Saturday Night Live. They had at me, remember? Like who was I kidding?"

"What about the guys, Xena? Borias, Hercules, yatta, yatta, yatta." Gabrielle wriggled beneath the luscious body bearing down on her.

"Guess I'm bi…" Xena postulated. "By the gods, bless 'em. I'll do anyone. I think I like mammals." A horse whinnied in the background. 'Get over it, Argo!' Xena's hands rolled Gabrielle's firm, full breast together and her fingers played with the rosy nipples. "You're the bard. Is there a word for someone like me?"

""Yes - slut!" Gabrielle quivered under the onslaught to her chest. "More, please, my warrior princess slut."

Xena spun about positioning her mouth at the bard's love mound and her own center above her lover's tender lips. "I can't decide who comes first, my dear. So let's do it together. Remember, the only reason I do any good at all is because I do it with you." 'Please let her be in that anything-for-the-warrior-princess haze, ' Xena thought as she lowered her pelvis.

She was. Gabrielle licked the swollen nub presented to her eagerly. The smell, the taste, the sight of her beloved's shapely ass above her nose drove her wild. Following Xena's rhythm, she took hold of the engorged bundle of nerves and sucked with abandon. Feeling Xena's fingers slip inside her own soaked center, Gabrielle pushed three fingers deep into Xena. Each woman let out a groan of pleasure.

Pressing back the pink folds, Xena buried her face into Gabrielle's hot core. The storm seemed to rage in meter with their furious pumping. Then with a crash of thunder, Xena arched her back and pressed down hard on Gabrielle's hand. Rigid with release, she felt the waves of ecstasy ripple through her in an unending tumult. At the same instant, Gabrielle came in long, relentless spasms of wondrous joy and down right pleasure. It nearly lifted her off the bed carrying the bucking warrior with her. Juices flowed. Lapping commenced. The heavens rocked with light and sound. Voices sang out moans and shrieks drawn from depths unreached before. "GA-BRI-ELLLLLLE!!" "XEEEENAHHHH!" The bed collapsed.

Xena was the first to re-establish consciousness. "Gods, Gabrielle! That was incredible. I've never, ever…"

"Give it up!" panted the bard, her face streaked with tears of joy and warrior cum. "Of course you have. I've read the fanfic scrolls myself. The PG-13 ones only."

"It was worth a try." Xena said with a crooked grin. 'If she'd read the R or X rated ones, I'd be dead.'

The proprietor opened the ramshackle door, stepped around the sword and rushed into the room seeking the source of the loud crash. Xena drew her chakram, launching it straight and true into the man's flabby chest. He died before hitting the floor.

"Ah, Xena. Wrong episode." Gabrielle wailed forlornly. "Oh dear. I can't believe you did that!"


"But top. Very top, my lovely warrior."

Xena flashed that crazy, half smile that the bard loved. "And you, my sweet, are very bottom."

Their laughter filled the room and for a moment Gabrielle thought she detected a look of peace wash over her lover's comely features. Entwining limbs, the pair settled themselves anew on the bed, now a mat, and whispered words of love. The storm raged for hours, but they didn't notice. Making love again and again until, their desire dissipated like the clouds, they were at one with all living things. Tired.

Well, there was one thing left unresolved. "How about bleaching that little patch of your's blonde, too,
Ga-bri-elle?" Xena suggested shyly.

"Anything for my warrior." Cooed Gabrielle nestled against a strong, sweaty shoulder. "I may need your help, though. I'm not too experienced with my erogenous zones, you know."

"Yeah, right." Xena nuzzled an earlobe and debated pressing her luck regarding the navel chain. 'Naw!'

"Xena, don't you think we should get some sleep? There may be a village to save tomorrow or a group of bandits to kick to the curb. You'll need your strength."

"You are my strength, Gabrielle." Xena whispered, tenderly sweeping a stray lock from the bard's sweet little brow. Contented beyond measure, she began to hum the familiar tune she so often used at funeral pyres.

"Got to learn a new song, Xena!" Gabrielle sighed.

"Anything for you, my love." And Xena began a new haunting refrain. "Joxer the Mighty roams…"


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