By: Alex Legault
I do not own Xena, Gabrielle, or Autolycos
I do not mean to insult President Clinton, or Pope
I do not mean to insult the United States Of America or Christians every where
I am not making any money from this
I wrote this only for the enjoyment of the readers and author
Please do not sue or bomb me
Note: I would like to apologise
If I offended anyone with the previous version of this story
"Gabrielle, duck!" Xena shouted as the Roman soldier tried to behead her friend.
"Thanks Xena!" she called back as the sword passed harmlessly over her head,
she then proceeded to knock the roman unconscious.
This is bad Gabrielle thought, the Roman infantry outnumber us several
hundred to one, and Xena's forces were losing.
Unless a miracle happened soon they would be defeated. Just then an
explosion was heard, Xena turned and saw three barrels of lamp oil explode,
because of the fact that the whole town was burning down. The explosion killed
several enemy soldiers.
Then she noticed a strange glowing cloud where the barrels were, it was as
large as a horse. The sight of it terrified both sides and some soldiers
abandoned the battle and ran away screaming in terror. The rest of the enemy
pressed Xena's forces even harder, forcing them back.
"Gabrielle" Xena called "Go into the cloud". "Are you nuts?!??" Gabrielle
responded "Who knows what will happen if we go in". "It can't get much worse
than here" Xena shouted over the noise of battle. With a quick prayer to the
Gods Gabrielle followed Xena into the Cloud.....
Some where in Greece, 1999:
AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! Gabrielle screamed as she fell out of the
cloud and landed on Xena. She rolled off Xena and the two women watched as
the cloud disappeared. "Where are we?" asked a confused Gabrielle. "Judging
by the ruins around us I'd saw we are still in the village but in the future"
"What?!?!?" Gabrielle said. "According to legend, Zeus battled
a Titan and defeated him in this area. The battle must have been so intense
that it weakened the fabric of time and the explosion of the oil broke it"
Xena responded. "How are we going to get home?" Gabrielle asked. "Since the
Gods caused the weakness in time, the Gods should be able to help. So we head
to Mount Olympus" Xena said and started walking toward the distant mountain.
3 Days later:
After walking for days the two women arrive at the foot of Mount Olympus.
"Well there is the mountain" Xena said "Time to climb". After half a day
of climbing two sweaty and dirty heroes reach the top of Mount Olympus,
home of the Greek Gods. The sight that awaited them was shocking, the palace
of the gods in ruins.
"What happened?" Gabrielle wondered aloud. "I don't know" Xena said walking
to what was the throne room. Inside Zeus was siting on the throne, he looked
up in shock at Xena and Gabrielle. "What are you doing here?" the King of the
Gods asked rising from the old throne. "We were battling Roman infantry, ran
into a glowing cloud, and found our selves here many years later"
Xena responded looking in amazement at the damage to the palace.
"Xena it has been over two thousand years since you entered that cloud,
much has changed in that time, the Roman empire has fallen, another continent
has been discovered, devastating weapons have been developed, and most amazing
of all, man has walked on the moon".
"Sadly" Zeus continued "People have forgotten us, now most people worship
what they call the one god". "Dahak?" Xena asked almost fearfully "No,
fortunately" Zeus responded "This is a good one god, his followers call
themselves, Jews, Catholics, Muslims, Protestants, and others.
Our followers number a few thousand, and shrinking with each new
generation. That is the cause of what you see around you. We Gods gain strength
from our followers and with so few, we can not spare the strength to maintain
the palace" Zeus said sadly. Xena relieved to know that the evil Dahak did
not rule asked
"Zeus, was your last battle with the Titans what caused the
tear in time?", "Yes, that battle lasted for days and devastated the area, but
in the end the last of the Titans were defeated". "Can you help us get home?"
Gabrielle asked. "No sadly, All the gods together could not, we just are not
powerful enough anymore". "Then we are trapped here forever?" Xena asked
"No, the Gods can not send you home but I know what can, the Cronostone" Zeus
said. "The Cronostone?" Xena asked "Hercules told me he destroyed it" she added
"There were two CronoStones made, One still exists, it is in the Tomb of
Zeus said to the women. "I thought he was Cremated according to
Roman Custom" Xena said "He was but his ashes were put in a special Catacomb
beneath Rome" Zeus said after checking a scroll "The tomb is accessible through
the main catacombs here is a map that will show you the way" Zeus said
handing the scroll to Gabrielle. "Thank you" Xena said to the King of the
Gods "Wait" Zeus Called as the two women turned to leave, "The tomb is guarded
by many traps, you will need some help"....
A Hidden Treasure Room, Just Before Xena and Gabrielle went on their time
Autolycos, clapped his hands and looked at the fist sized ruby. Hmmm he thought
flaming spikes all around, I reach for the gem my hands get burned and cut off,
piece of cake, he thought. Just as he was reaching for his tools, the air
Throne Room, Palace Of The Gods, Mount Olympus, 1999:
Autolycos all of a sudden found him self in a ruined palace, looking around
he saw Xena, Gabrielle, and an old man. "Xena" he called "What is going on?"
he asked extremely confused. Zeus then spoke up "Autolycos I have brought you
here from the past to help Xena, Gabrielle, and now yourself, get home"
"And you are?" he asked thinking this was some old nut "Zeus king of the Gods"
Zeus said annoyed. "How am I supposed to do that?" Autolycos asked. "By guiding
them through the catacombs of Rome to the tomb of Caesar, to steal the
Cronostone" Zeus responded. "CronoStone?" Autolycos said "I thought Hercules
destroyed it" he added. "No the creator of the Cronostone made two one for him
and one for his wife. This one is purple" The King of the Gods said, tired of
all this talking.
"Zeus, if you could bring Autolycos here why can you not send us home?"
Xena asked. "It is easier to bring an object forward in time, I do not know
why" "You three will need to learn the language the people speak today, Athena!"
Zeus roared. A few moments later Athena goddess of wisdom appeared. "Yes father"
she said. "Athena, these adventurers need to know the languages in use today"
Zeus told his daughter "As you wish" She responded. Athena then went and touched
the heads of Xena, Gabrielle, and Autolycos. "You now know modern Greek, Italian,
and English. Use It well. The knowledge will last till you return to your own
time" Athena said with a smile. "Thank you, both of you"
"Wait, before you leave, you had better leave your weapons here, all of them.
carrying a weapon of any kind will get you imprisoned these days" Athena told
them. Xena dropped her sword, Chrakum, and daggers. Gabrielle left her staff.
Autolycos had no weapons to drop. "Here are some clothes appropriate for this
time period" Athena added making some clothes appear. "Autolycos you are already
dressed Okay." she told the thief. Xena took off her metal armor and put on the
clothes Athena gave her. Gabrielle put on her stuff over the clothes she was
wearing. "Thank you, both of you" Xena told the two Gods, who then
At The Foot Of Mount Olympus:
"So, where are we headed?" Autolycos asked "Rome" Xena responded.
"Wow, things have changed in two thousand years" Gabrielle said with wonder.
"Now according to Zeus's map, the entrance to the Catacombs is in the Vatican"
"Where is this Vatican?" Autolycos asked "I don't know" Xena reponded "Lets
ask for directions" Gabrielle said, she then stopped a Police Officer "How
do we get to the Vatican from here?" she asked "Walk down this street for two
miles turn left, a mile down there turn right and you will be at the gate"
the Officer responded
"You going there to try and get a glimpse of President
Clinton?" the Officer asked "Who?" Gabrielle said "You know the President of
the United States, this is his first foreign trip since nearly getting
impeached" the Officer said to Gabrielle "Oh, him" she responded not wanting
to look suspicious "No, we're just tourists" Xena said eager to end this
conversation. "Okay have fun!" the Officer replied walking away.
The three of them followed the Officers directions and soon arrived at the
gates of the Vatican. "Wow, this place is huge" they all said at once.
"The map says the entrance is in the basement in what is called the Pope's
secret library" Xena said "I like secrets" Autolycos said clapping his hands
"No stealing, Autolycos" Xena said suddenly worried "Okay no stealing till
we get home" Autolycos responded disappointed.
The Vatican was huge, finding the basement was a little difficult, since
visitors were not supposed to go there. Just as they were heading towards the
basement they saw three men is suits, the middle one had white hair, the other
two were looked almost like twins and they seemed to be talking to their
wrists. The white haired man said "Hi ladies, enjoying the Vatican?". "Yes
we are, who are you?" Xena asked "Me? I'm President Bill Clinton and you are?"
"I'm Xena, these are my friends Gabrielle, and Autolycos". The four talked for
a few minutes until a blonde haired woman walked up and discreetly pinched
Bill's back "Bill the Pope is waiting for us" she said. "Okay Hillary." he
responded "Nice talking to you." he said to the three heroes as the President's
group walked away.
"Bill you promised, no more fooling around" Hillary whispered
into his ear "I was not doing anything of the sort" he responded. "Good, keep
it that way" she whispered back. "Wow, those chicks looked good." he thought.
As they approached the basement they noticed a big lock on the door. "Autolycos
can you pick it?" Xena asked "Sure no problem, Athena gave me modern lock
picking skills" Autolycos responded. Two minutes later the door was open
"Here we go" Xena said
Vatican, Basement, Pope's Secret Library:
"Wow look at all these books!" Gabrielle said "I wish I had time to read some
of them" she added "We have to find the secret entrance to the Catacombs" Xena
said "According to the map the entrance is down at the end of the library"
the walk down the library was long, and there was not much air. "The secret
door is on this wall somewhere" Xena announced and the three proceeded to check
the wall all over "I found it!" Gabrielle called excited. The panel was hard
to open after over a thousand years of disuse but they eventually got it open.
They turned on their flash lights and stepped into a room no one had entered
for a thousand years....
Catacombs, Beneath Vatican:
"Strange there is fresh air" Autolycos commented "Normally in ancient tombs
to air is bad" he added. "These Catacombs must be open to the surface
somewhere" Xena answered. These Catacombs had not been robbed like the others
all the tombs were still intact. "This place is a maze, how are ever going to
find the tomb of Caesar?" Gabrielle asked "Just look for the biggest one"
After sever hours of wandering they finally found the tomb of Caesar
"Wow this tomb is huge" Gabrielle said walking around. "Gabrielle Stop! do not
move!" Autolycos called. Gabrielle obeyed, and watched as he disarmed a trap.
"If you had walked three steps more you would be dead" Autolycos stated showing
her the trip wire and the crossbows that would have killed her. "Thanks" she
said. "No problem, just keep your eyes open for more traps" he responded.
Then she saw it "There it is!" Gabrielle said pointing.
Autolycos looked where she was pointing and saw a triangle shaped purple
stone. He walked up to the pedestal it was on and carefully examined it.
"It's booby trapped" he declared "If I lift it the spring it is holding
down will pop up and set off a trap. Good thing I always carry bag of
sand with me". He carefully measured the sand so it would be the same weight
as the stone and performed the switch. Relieved that no traps had gone off
he walked toward Xena and promptly stepped on a pressure plate. "Uh Oh" was
all he said as the door to the room slammed shut.
"Nice move Autolycos" both women said at the same time. "Sorry" was all he
could say. "Let's argue about this later, we have to find a way out" Xena
yelled above the sound of Gabrielle and Autolycos arguing. They examined the
tomb for over an hour looking for a means of escape with no success. Just as
they were about to give up Autolycos noticed something, "Hey, this wall is
crumbling. Maybe we can break through it". "Good work" Xena told him. Autolycos
then went through his tools and came up with a big lock pick. He then spent
the next three hours digging a hole in the wall with the lock pick's handle.
Finally he broke through "Xena, Gabrielle, I'm through!" he called. The three
of them climbed through the hole and headed for the Vatican's basement.
Vatican, Basement, Pope's Secret Library:
They made there way to the entrance of the library. Just as they were about to
leave the library they heard several shots. They raced out of the library.
Vatican, Main Floor, Dining Room:
They entered the dining room to see a scene of chaos, Secret Service Agents
and Swiss Guards surrounding two figures on the floor. Xena pushed her way
through the crowd and saw to her horror that the figures were President Clinton
and the Pope lying dead on the floor, shot to death. The Agents and Guards had
two men in hand cuffs who screamed "DEATH TO THE ENEMIES OF GERMANY!"
They were asked who they were working for. They answered
"The Glorious Adolf Hitler!". Both men then died of their injuries.
"Autolycos use the CronoStone to send us five minutes backwards in time so
we can stop this" Xena said "Your wish is my command" he responded sarcastically
Vatican, Main Floor, Dining Room, Five Minutes Earlier:
President Clinton and the Pope were discussing matters of religion when all of
a sudden two women and one man appeared. The women then tackled them as shots
rang out. "What is going on?!?!?" They asked at the same time "Stay down
two men are trying to kill you!" Xena barked at the suprised men. The Agents
and Guards started shooting at the would be assassins killing them both.
The President and Pope thanked them for saving them then just as suddenly as
they appeared they vanished. "A miracle" was all the Pope could say. "A good
looking miracle." Clinton thought.
Mount Olympus, Palace Of The Gods, Throne Room, One Hour Later:
"Well done all of you!" Zeus bellowed "Not only have you found the way home,
you saved the lives of two very important men!" he added. "We came to Thank
you both for all your help and to say good bye, because we are heading home".
"Good journey, all of you" Zeus and Athena said as they vanished......
Some Where in Greece, One Day After This All Started:
"The future was nice to visit" Gabrielle said "But I wouldn't want to live
there!" she added with a laugh. Every one agreed. "Well Xena it's been fun
but I have to go" Autolycos said starting to walk off. Xena grabbed him
before he could go far "All right Autolycos, hand over the CronoStone" she
told the disappointed thief. "I was hoping you forgot that" he said
handing it over. "This is to powerful to be left in the hands of Mortals" she
said putting it on the ground. Before Autolycos could protest further she
destroyed it with her sword. Autolycos then headed with out another word
to rob the nearest treasure room.
"So Xena, what did you think about that Bill Clinton?" Gabrielle asked
"What about him?" she responded. "He was charming wasn't he?" Gabrielle
said. "What are you thinking? he is not going to be born for another two
thousand years!" Xena said suprised at her friend. "Ya I guess you are right
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