Xena Warrior Gardener: Destroyer of Nasturtiums

by Trisha Von Doss AKA Xenamour

Disclaimers: This is a parody. Any resemblance to any characters owned by Renpics is not meant as a copyright infringement.

There were talismen... foreboding signs of things to come... things that told me not to do battle this day. Ever the optimist, I forged ahead, the signs unheeded, and so ... my chosen path unchanged. But the price of such ignorance is high... and woe is me ... for I have become a Bringer of Death...The Slayer of Saplings... Destroyer of Nasturtiums.

Spurred by the heat of the battle, the blood burning in my veins, I wielded my Black and Decker Hedge Sword with swift and vengeful prowess ... cutting down all who stood in my way. The enemy that entwined my beloved's fell at my feet...cowered in my shadow...whimpered for mercy unreceived. I forged on...lost to the bloodlust I slashed ahead...the roar of the battle (and the hedge sword) deafening me to the cries of my victims.

A green and sappy path I carved...until only one great target remained. Nearly spent I used the last of my reserves to pull my sword round my back and over my head and at last down toward my intended target. The earthward arc of my blade gained momentum as it sped toward the leech like root sucker of the tree...and landed with such force that the wood lodged tightly in the teeth of the blade. I struggled mightily to break free ... my faithful Gabrielle, her red-gold coat shining in the sun barking at the enemy incessantly ... then grabbing hold with her teeth and trying to pull me free.

The sword took on a life of its own ... it's power button refusing my entreaties to end the struggle. Kicking and flailing it fought it's battle independent of me now ... refusing the surrender. Sparks flew as it cut through the life line to my electric outdoor torches, and bucked and teetered precariously near the edge of the fish pond.

Fearing for the life of my circuit breaker I once again fought to gain control of the possessed blade. Flipping myself into the air I flew with the grace of a laying hen toward the wayward weapon. Though I grabbed hold of it's hilt with all my strength it once again refused me my place as it's master. Like some child's rag doll it tossed me, to and fro ... and finally threw me loose of my hold ... into the fish pond.

Sputtering I regained my feet ... pulled my self from the water and searched for another answer... "Think!" I told myself ... there are always choices! Ah. ... of course! Slowly...stealthily... I stole through the underbrush ... beyond where the unending battle raged. There, it's bright orange skin shining in the sun near the fortress wall ... lay my answer. Soundlessly I made my approach ... feet...now inches...carefully, cautiously I reached...found my hold, tightened my grip. One great hard pull... Success. The battle ended ... the swords power source dangled helplessly in my hand.

I surveyed the aftermath of the battle in horror. Koi floated on the surface of the pond. Electric torches flickered like a dying ember in the dusk, their power cord hanging to it's connection by a single copper thread. Bits of brightly colored Nasturtiums floated atop the water of the pond ... in eulogy to the dying Koi... and lay strewn like ticker tape confetti over the grass and sidewalk.

I picked up my trusty sword and dislodged the offending branch of the root sucker from it's blade. In the end it had been defeated... successfully severed from it's source. "But at what cost?" I had to ask myself. I examined the remains of the Nasturtiums ... they would live ... bloom again another day. The Koi ... I rationalized, had at least received a hero's burial at sea. Wrapping the sword with it's cord, I returned it to it's place amongst my arsenal.

In the end, the best that could be said... is that it had been a good day of fighting.


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