by GirlBard

Disclaimers: Disclaimer: This was written for the Holiday Havoc Academy Challenge, December 2002. All characters are original, but based on a few that we know and love.

Subtext: Yep.

Author's Note: You know, they say you should always write about what you know. I'm embarrassed to say that I know these characters well. My girlfriend and I have made a goal to get rid of the Christmas tree before Valentine's Day this year. Let's hope we can stick to it.

"Hey Kat?" I question slowly to the dozing woman beneath me.

"Mmm?" She rumbles, making my entire body shake.

"Happy Easter." I tell her as I pepper kisses down her neck. "Wanna see what the Easter Bunny brought you?"

"In a minute." She responds, stretching underneath me. I ogle her long form and slide my hands down her muscular sides. Moving down to kiss and nip her collarbone and breasts she hums with approval. When my mouth finds its way to a taut nipple she lets out a ragged moan.

"Forget the stupid rabbit and his chocolate." She growls in my ear as she swiftly rolls over on top of me.

Kat claims my mouth with hers and all thoughts of Easter are forgotten.

A few hours later Kat tries to drag me out of bed. "Come on, sleepy head, we've got to clean this place before your mother gets here."

"Crap." I mutter as I stand up and pull on my pajamas. "I have to start the ham so it will be ready for dinner." Kat just nods as we make our way out of the bedroom.

As usual, I grimace in pain when a dried pine needle wedges its way into my bare foot.

"Um, Kat?" I ask as I look at the pine needles scattered over the entire floor of the apartment. "Do you think it's time to take the Christmas decorations down?" I ask unnecessarily.

She surveys the disaster that is our apartment before nodding thoughtfully. "Yeah, probably."

Five hours and seven minutes before the occurrence of what I'm referring to as our own personal D-Day.

We have five hours and now six minutes before my mother, sister, and three rambunctious nieces and nephews arrive for Easter dinner.

And our apartment is still decked out like its Christmas Eve.

"Why didn't we do this earlier?" I question Kat who is using her tall form to dust the fake snow from the top of the windowsills.

"Because the last time we decided to clean I was out on the balcony trying to get these stupid plastic elves and sleigh untied and inside you told me I wasn't dressed warm enough and to come in, then you proceeded to get me into bed to 'warm me up' and we didn't emerge from the bedroom until the next morning!" She states and I nod in remembrance.

"Oh yeah." I agree. "I think we have a problem. Are we addicted to sex?"

"No." She answers as she climbs out the window onto the balcony. "We are both procrastinators and we use things like sex as an excuse so we don't have to complete tedious chores such as the removal of holiday items!" She shouts from the balcony, holding the plastic decorations up in triumph, having finally gotten them untied.

That's my Kat. "No wonder you're a good psychologist. You're really smart." I comment, admiring her tight black tank top and running shorts. "And sexy, do you know that?" I ask her seductively.

She hands me the large plastic sleigh in response through the window. "No way, don't even start with that. We really need to focus, Eve. This place is disgusting."

"Fine." I sigh, taking the plastic elves from her as she climbs back in the window. "Why did we buy these?" I ask, indicating the plastic decorations. "They are so tacky."

Three hours and seventeen minutes. The ham is cooking, filling the house with a wonderful smell that overpowers the usual smell of dirt and trash. Kat is throwing wads of wrapping paper leftover from Christmas morning in a large trash bag and I am standing on a step-stool removing Christmas cards from their taped-on locations on the fridge and kitchen door.

"We really are slobs." I comment as I throw all the old cards in her trash bag.

"Yeah." She says as she reaches an arm under our shriveled and needle-less Christmas tree. Her hand emerges with a disfigured solid log. "What in the hell is this?"

I peer closer at the wrapping. Wrinkling my nose, I realize what the offending article is. "Kat, just throw it in the bag." I plead.

"What is it?" She asks.

"Throw it in the bag." I order her and sighing, she does. "It was my mother's fruitcake.

"Nasty." Kat comments, her blue eyes twinkling. "We should serve it for Easter dinner tonight."

Thoughts of dinner remind me that we have very little time. "Honey, we have to get moving. We only have three hours and fourteen minutes left."

"Okay." She picks up the pace and I actually am able to see the floor of the apartment again. "Eve?" Kat questions, holding up a brightly colored egg. "Did you hide Easter eggs?"

Oh yeah. I totally forgot about that. "Yes, last night after you fell asleep. I thought it would be fun to have an egg hunt this morning."

"Great idea, sweetheart." Kat says, her full lips curling into a grin. "We don't know what color our carpet is anymore, but you decide to hide Easter eggs!" I stick my tongue out at her in response and she laughs as she continues cleaning up the floor.

"I know what color my carpet is, thank you very much." I grumble under my breath as I tackle the annoying task of removing the fake wreath of holly surrounded by red bows from the windows.

"I know what color your carpet is too." Kat mutters. "Red."

"What?" I ask in mock outrage. She looks innocent and points to the floor where indeed, a revealing patch of carpet shows it to be burgundy.

"Huh." Kat states, staring at the carpet. "I always thought it was pink."

We work like machines, in perfect unison with each other. Maybe because we only have two hours and eight minutes until my family arrives. Regardless, we are unstoppable and aren't even talking to each other anymore, only to shout out orders.

I threw all the Christmas stuff into a huge box and set it by the front door. Kat frantically ripped the ornaments, lights, and star that were still on the tree off and threw them to me. I wrapped what I could in the stack of unread and still-folded newspapers by the front door and threw them in the box.

"We're okay!" I tell her as I take down the stockings hung over the electric baseboard heater. It's the closest thing we have to a fireplace.

The church on the corner chimes its bells twice, meaning it's now three o'clock. Kat looks at me in surprise as we finish the living room.

"Not bad!" She exclaims in surprise. I nod enthusiastically. Even the tree is gone; we decided the easiest thing would be just to throw it out the window into the yard below. We'll figure out what to do with it from there. "Why don't you dust and vacuum in here, and I'll tackle the bedroom." Kat offers.

"Sure. There's not much left to do." I tell her, giving her a quick peck on the lips. She grins at me and disappears into the bedroom.

I wipe down the TV stand and computer desk like there's no tomorrow. For good measure, I even clean the windows and sills. This place looks like a million bucks! Well, okay, maybe not a million bucks, but it looks better than a $29.95 motel, so I'm thrilled.

"I'm so glad we got Fabreeze!" I yell to Kat as I spray the entire newly-vacuumed living room. "It makes it smell all spring-like in here."

"Well, it is spring." Kat mentions as she emerges from the bedroom with a big pink dildo in her hand. "Lookie what I found."

"Where was that?" I ask, not really wanting to know. I vaguely remember that toy, but I know we haven't used it in ages. We keep all our toys neat and clean in a Tupperware container under the bed.

"Under the bed, buried in years of dust. I'm just going to throw it away." She says, looking really grossed out.

"Good idea." I tell her, feeling kind of grossed out myself.

One hour and five minutes. And all we have left to clean is the kitchen, and ourselves. We both look exhausted, but I have no doubt that we can pull through.

The kitchen is the only room in our six-room apartment that we keep really clean. We don't want to die from salmonella, for Christ's sake. So it shouldn't be too difficult to finish.

"Holy cow! What in the hell?" Yelps Kat as she scurries out of the kitchen.

"What?!" I ask, scared out of my gourd she just found something like cockroaches or something.

She just stands in the hallway, a ghastly pallor of white on her face, pointing under the cabinet.

"Kat, what is it? Am I going to puke?" I ask her and she shrugs her shoulders. "I thought you were supposed to be the butch one!" I scold her and she turns tail and runs out of the room.

Warily I approach the cabinets, a dishtowel in my hand in case I need to quickly kill something.

In the dim light I see the outline of something black and hard. It kind of looks like dried cat crap, but we've never had a cat. Bravely, I get closer and sniff the air experimentally. Doesn't really smell, so I stick my hand close to it and poke it.

Secure in the knowledge that it isn't living, or something dead that used to be living, I grab it and pull it out under the kitchen light.

It's coal. Coal? "Hey scaredy-Kat, it's just coal!" I gloat, and she meekly comes back into the kitchen.

"It looked like poop. You know I have a problem with poop." She says, her tone defensive.

I smile at her in return and throw the offending coal away. She had put it in my stocking for Christmas as a joke. I'm not sure how it made it under the kitchen cabinets.

"Seriously, Eve, I've had enough." Kat continues, her voice becoming louder. "It's bad enough this place is a pig-sty, but the fact that I would have the slightest inclination that there was excrement in this apartment tells me something!" Kat is shouting now, and I try not to smile. She always gets on these tirades when we finally clean.

"We are going to keep this place clean, from now on! No more last minute hurried cleaning; we will do a little every day. I swear we will!" Kat finishes as she storms downstairs with all the trash in tow.

Smiling, I set the table in the dining room. I light pale pastel Easter candles and sprinkle chocolate candies over the children's plates. The apartment looks beautiful, and I know that while the last five and a half hours were not fun, it was worth it. I take the box of Easter decorations out of the closet and begin placing them randomly around the apartment.

The door shutting in the kitchen alerts me Kat has returned from her angry trash voyage. "Feeling better?" I ask her softly, and she guiltily looks at me, her blue eyes filled with remorse.

"I didn't mean to get to angry with you, I'm worse than you are when it comes to keeping this place looking good. I know we are both busy and the last thing we do when we get home is clean. I know I'd rather live in a pig-sty with you by my side than live in a palace without you." Kat says softly, pulling me close to her.

"I know, sweetheart." I tell her gently, intoxicated by her slightly sweaty yet clean-smelling scent. "We'll try to keep things looking better. But let's not focus on that now, let's get cleaned up."

I turn on the shower and we strip and step in. Kat lathers my hair as our bodies touch tantalizingly. "You know," I tell her as she rinses my hair gently, "You never did get your present from the Easter Bunny."

"Oh really?" She says, nipping playfully at my neck. "What did he bring me?" Kat's hands move slowly down my slick body and one finds its way between my legs.

"Something sweet that will melt in your mouth." I purr in her ear as her fingers tease my slick folds.

"Mmm." Kat groans as her fingers enter me. "Gotta love that rabbit."


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