Amazonia is the place to be!
Village livin' is the life for me.
Forest spreadin out so far and wide...
Keep Athens, just give me the country life.
Corinth is where I rather stay...
I get allergic smelling centaur hay!
I just adore a city view,
Darlin I love ya, but give me a battle too!
The chores, the wars, farm air, tavern square...
You are my wife!
Goodbye warrior life...
Amazonia, we are there!
Ext. Path - Day
Walking along a path, Xena is leading Argo by the reins. Gabrielle is walking beside her.
Xena steps thru a mud puddle as she looks toward Gabrielle.
Gabrielle, who cant meet Xenas eyes, looks up towards the trees.
Umm, do you remember the
last time I was in the Amazon village?
Yes I do.
Umm, do you remember when I said the Amazons
had purchased a tract of land to expand the territory?
Xena turns toward Gabrielle.
Gabrielle, what are you getting at?
Well umm, what if I told you I made a promise to
Ephiny to come back and help with the migration?
Gabrielle looks anxiously at Xena.
I wouldnt mind. When do we need to be there
and for how long?
Well that is the funny part. I dont know for how
long and we really need to be there before planting season.
Xena pulls Argo to a halt and looks towards Gabrielle.
What do you mean you dont know and before
Gabrielle sits down on a convenient rock and glances up at Xena.
Well umm, thats the thing. The Amazons are going to
plant crops to help them provide during the expansion,
and seeing as how I am really the only person with farming
experience I told them I would help.
Letting Argos reins go, Xena sits down on the rock beside Gabrielle.
Gabrielle, you hated farming and to be more precise
you were a farmers daughter, not a farmer. Do I even
need to mention that you hated living in a village?
Gabrielle jumps up off the rock and faces Xena.
I did not hate farming or the village. I just hated being
stuck in that village with Perdicus.
Gabrielle starts pacing back and forth in front of Xena.
I think this is something we need to do, and being
Queen I need to be there for the tribe. I cant let them
fend for themselves. They would probably starve.
Xena stands up and moves toward Gabrielle.
Trust me Gabrielle, they would not starve.
Gabrielle looks skeptical.
Dont give me that look, bard. I can hurt you.
You and what army, oh Conqueror of Nations?
Xena and Gabrielle both laugh, as the tension is broken.
Okay I concede. So where exactly is the new land?
You didnt say where it is located.
Xena grabs Argos reins and they both start walking again. After a few moments, Gabrielle finally answers.
Its in Hootervillius.
Xena arches an eyebrow as she looks at Gabrielle.
Oh great! A bunch of Amazons running around
a place named Hootervillius.
Innocently, Gabrielle answers.
They say there are a lot of owls nearby.
I just bet. I have never heard of Hootervillius and
I ruled half of Greece
Its near Pixopolis.
Xena stops dead in her tracks and turns towards Gabrielle.
Gabrielle, you are pulling my leg. I have never heard
of Pixopolis or for that matter Hootervillius. I am
probably going to regret this but where is Pixopolis?
Hmm, as far as I could figure out its somewhere
Well yeah. Its near there.
Xena just trust me on this.
Ext. Ramshackle Hut Early Evening
Xena walking around the outside of a hut.
Gabrielle. Youve got to be kidding me! This is
our hut? I have slept in better caves. That one side
doesnt even have any walls.
Gabrielle puts her hand on Xenas back and lightly rubs it.
Xena, I was told they are getting these two locals
to fix the wall, and they should be out first thing in the morning.
Ummph I just dont like it.
Xena trust me on this.
Xena turns towards Gabrielle.
Why do you keep saying that Gabrielle?
I dont know but do you trust me?
Of course... with my life.
Okay then. Please just trust me on this.
Int. Hut - Early Morning
Xena stands off to the side at the ready of the non-existent hut wall as she hears voices.
Shh... you will wake them up.
Dont shhh me. I am older than you.
Voice 2 takes off his hat and hits voice 1 with it.
Only by one drop of sand!
Voice 1 says as she rubs her arm where it had been hit.
As the voices move closer towards Xena, she jumps out of her hiding spot pointing her sword at the two strangers.
And who do we have here? Curlylis and Moesyis?
Dont call me maam.
Yes maam... umm... I mean, no maam.
Now who exactly are you two?
Gabrielle wakes up and speaks in a groggy voice.
Xena what are you doing playing with your sword
so early in the morning? Come back to bed. Its cold.
Xena stares at the two strangers, not even looking back at Gabrielle.
As I said, who are you two?
My name is Ming Tien and this is my sister Kao Hsin.
Gabrielle kicks off her sleeping fur and trips slightly on it as she comes to stand beside Xena.
Hi Im Gabrielle, and the brooding warrior is Xena.
Xena sheaths her sword but moves her hand down to her chakram.
Im Ming Tien and this here is Kao Hsin and we were
here to fix your wall.
Great. We have been expecting you. How long do
you think it will take?
A few days, tops.
A few days?
Ming Tien and Kao Hsin look at each other, startled by Xenas sudden exclamation.
Well yeah we have to convert the chicken coop
plans to a wall-building plan, then we can build
Yep we are the best darn chicken coop builders this
side of Athens. Salmoneus also said you all would be
needing a chicken coop.
Xena turns towards Gabrielle .
Gabrielle, what does Salmoneus have to do with this?
Gabrielle gulps noticeably.
Umm well, he is the one who sold us the land.
Salmoneus comes riding in on a donkey, clanking from the pots and pans hanging off the animal
Did I hear my name called?
Why Xena... long time no see. Hows kicks?
She grabs Salmoneus by the front of his tunic.
Oh just great! I am going to be doing some kicking
here shortly. Salmoneus, I dont know what your
scheme is, but I want all this fixed and I want it fixed now.
Xena put Salmoneus down. He has been a tremendous
help to the Amazons, and I dont want you hurting
him over a wall.
Xena lets go of Salmoneuss tunic.
Thank you Gabrielle.
He straightens his tunic.
There is no scheme, Xena. My late uncle Haniam left
me this land when he died. He built this hut with his bare
hands. I even lived here a short time while awaiting
funding for my latest business venture.
Oh this and that. Odds and ends.
Salmoneus, I thought this place was supposed to be
Well you see, I couldnt let my dear old Uncle Haniams
possessions be damaged, so I put them in storage over
You can bring them back now.
Well that is the problem. I kinda owe the storage guy
some dinars and the cost of transporting it back.
Xena interrupts Salmoneus.
Salmoneus, get to the point!
I dont have the funds at the moment to pay for it.
Xena, give Salmoneus some dinars.
Trust me on this, Xena.
There you go with the phrase again.
Ext. Outside of hut - Mid Day
Xena gestures towards the two workers.
Gabrielle, I could build a wall faster than those two.
They have been measuring all morning.
Xena, we are trying to build a good relationship with
the nearby village, and Ephiny thought hiring locals
would help. Kao Hsin and her brother decided to go into the chicken coop building business together after a nasty accident with black powder in Chin. Since then they have dedicated their lives to chicken coop building.
Thought you might like to know we are almost finished
converting the chicken coop plans into a wall building
plan. Wanna see?
Kao Hsin hands Xena a piece of paper with a drawing of a chicken coop on it. The word chicken coop has been crossed out and replaced with wall.
This is a chicken coop!!!!!
No its not! Its a house!
Gabrielle rubs Xenas back lightly.
Gabrielle, I dont like this.
Xena, do you trust me?
Xena shakes her head, purses her lips tightly and starts walking away.
Now all we have to do is wait for the local inspector
to come out to approve the building.
Xena stops and turns abruptly.
What do you mean local inspector? We are on
Ming Tien points to a spot just inches from where the wall is to be replaced.
Everything up to this point is Amazon land, but you see,
your wall is on village land and it has to be approved.
Umm, how long does it take to be approved?
Oh, no time at all. Just have to get Pao Ssu out to look at
it and its a done deal.
Okay then, get Pao SSu out here to look at this today so
you can start working on it!
Well thats a problem. Shes in Chin to visit our mother
and wont be back for at least two weeks.
Ming Tien and Kao Hsin both start backing away from Xena.
Umm yeah, but we can start working on that chicken
coop since that is being built on Amazon land.
Xena throws up her hands and stalks off.
Int Barn Early Evening
Clank... Clank... Clank...
Please let that be Salmoneus back with the furniture,
and not who I think it is.
Door opens to the barn and light floods in on Xena and Argo.
Xena I have been looking all over for you.
No, this cant be happening.
What cant be happening?
Nothing. What brings you here?
I work here.
You work here?
Well yeah. I worked for Salmoneus when he owned
this land, and thought maybe I could get my job back.
I require two weeks paid vacation one week sick leave,
and oh yeah... cant forget the blue star blue sword of
Come on, Xena. I can help you. I know this place like
the back of my hand.
Joxer turns his hand and slightly jumps when he looks at it.
Xena starts walking towards the barn door.
Okay, how about one week paid one week sick and
Mutual of Corinth Insurance?
The barn door slams shut as Joxer gets his last word out.
Okay, Xena... we can talk later.
Joxer turns towards Argo.
They always say never accept the first offer anyway.
Int. Stable - Mid morning
Xena is brushing Argo and whispering quietly in the horses ear.
If I didnt know better, I would think the Furies were
playing games with my head again. This farming life is
driving me mad, and we have been here only one day. I
think those crazy people from that next farm over had a
talking pig. I need to find something to do to occupy my
time while Gabrielle wanders around the field.
Xena puts down the brush and looks approvingly at the horse.
Well girl, looks like you have the shiniest coat this side
Xena pats Argo one last time and head toward the hut.
Int. Hut - Early afternoon
Xena is rummaging through the various drawers and baskets lying around the hut. She throws them out the non-existent wall as she straightens up the hut.
Hey, a scroll! Maybe its a copy of Pentopolius Hut.
Xena has a lecherous grin on her face.
Xena slowly unrolls it and across the top it says "Good Hut Keeping".
Well, I guess you cant win them all.
Xena slowly sits down and starts reading the articles coming to a section about cooking. Getting a smile on her face, she looks around the hut and then back to the scroll.
Int. Hut - Evening
Gabrielle and Joxer enter the hut. They hear various sounds coming from the hearth area and look at each other with a questioning look.
Come on in, you two. I am making dinner.
Gabrielle mouths "Xenas making dinner?" with her eyebrows raised towards Joxer.
Come on, you two. Its almost ready.
Gabrielle enters the makeshift dining area and sees Xena with an apron around her waist flipping something in a frying pan.
What are you up to?
Making dinner. I found this scroll in those baskets that
were lying around in here and thought I would try the
recipes in it. I have hot pita which I am making now.
Gabrielle looks around Xena to spy what looks like a piece of dough bubbling up in the frying pan.
And something called a vasilopita. Had problems
finding a big enough pan to hold it all but finally found
an old oat pan and got all the dough in it.
Xena gestures towards what looks like a wagon wheel sitting on the table.
Gabrielle answers in a confused voice.
It looks good, Xena. Umm, how much flour did you
use for that vasilopita?
Well it said one flour so I used one bag of flour, one bag
of sugar, one bushel of eggs and one churn of butter.
Gabrielle looks over at the empty five-pound bags of flour and sugar lying on the floor.
Sit down. Dinner is ready.
Joxer and Gabrielle sit down and Xena dishes out the hot pita onto both of their plates. Joxers hot pita makes one last bubble that pops shooting dough towards his face. Joxer swings his hands around trying to avoid the splatters.
You going to eat with us, Xena?
Oh no. I have been munching on dried meat all day, and
I couldnt eat another bite.
Gabrielle pokes at her hot pita for a minute not seeming to know what to make of it. Joxer in the mean time picks his up and bites down on it. Sounds of breaking teeth are heard as Joxer drops his hot pita back onto the plate.
They both look at each other.
Are you thinking what I am thinking?
Joxer and Gabrielle both whisper at the same time, "Chicken coop shingles". Gabrielle picks up both hot pita and pitched them out a convenient window
So how is it?
Delicious. I dont think I could eat another bite.
Do you, Joxer?
Oh no. I am so full I could bust.
Darn! And here I made a whole stack of them.
Midnight snack maybe?
You do like to snack at night.
Xena winks and Gabrielle grins at the comment.
Int. Bedroom - Night
Xena and Gabrielle are laying on their bedroll looking out at the stars through their non-existent wall.
So are you going to tell me why Joxer is still hanging
Well as much as I hate to admit this, he did something
I couldnt do.
And what was that?
You know that old mule Salmoneus sold us?
Umm well, it didnt want to move. Joxer just happened
to be walking by, and that old Hoytus-Clagwellus mule
started following Joxer down the road. Now I wasnt about
to let my 10 dinars walk away so I hired Joxer to walk in
front of the mule until we can get another one. Youre not
mad are you?
Of course not. I trust you, remember?
Gabrielle kisses Xena on the cheek and they settle down to sleep.