2003 Bardie Winner!

Best Appearance by Amazons


Auto’s Angels

Episode #315

"Amazons Among Us"

by

Patty S

 

OPENING SEQUENCE

Queue cheesy 70’s theme music.

A few shots flash past, each one depicting a beautiful Amazon (Do they make them ugly?) There are three of them and we watch as they begin their rites of passage.

V.O. AUTOLYCUS

Once upon a time, there were three little girls who

wanted to become Amazons.

CUT TO:

BRIANA. Tall, dark eyes, short brown hair. She is carefully drawing her bow, aiming her arrow at a straw target. She releases and the arrow lands in the center.

CUT TO:

JILLIANA, a voluptuous blonde, is jumping across the limbs of rather tall trees in typical Amazon style.

CUT TO:

KELLARA, her long brunette hair hanging loose around her shoulders, squares off with an Amazon that looks a lot like Eponin. Using some fancy judo type moves, Kellara flips Eponin onto her back.

V.O. AUTOLYCUS

And they were each assigned very, hazardous, duties.

CUT TO:

Shot of Briana mucking out the horse stalls. More of the "muck" covers her than what she is getting rid of.

CUT TO:

Shot of Jilliana at the edge of a stream, working hard at scrubbing a shirt against a rock. She holds up her work, chagrinned to find several large holes in the garment.

CUT TO:

Shot of Kellara carrying a large bucket and heading toward the pig’s pen. She pauses long enough to flip her long tresses over her shoulder….slow motion shot as the hair floats through the air, settling nicely against her bare back. She lifts the bucket and dumps the slop into the pen. She turns around to leave, getting her feet tangled and going down…face first…in the slop.

V.O. AUTOLYCUS

But I took them away from all of that.

And now they work for me. My name is Autolycus.

More cheesy music mixed in with several shots of Jilliana, Briana, and Kellara fighting baddies, riding horses, running through the woods, playing in a field, swimming naked, kissing…. um, well, you get the idea.

CUT TO:

One very brief shot of a goofy looking man wearing armor that resembles a pasta strainer.

CUT TO:

Jilliana, Briana and Kellara leaving the Amazon Village, walking side by side down the road.

FREEZE FRAME

FADE OUT.

ACT ONE

 

EXT CAMP EARLY MORNING

The campfire burned out hours ago. A pair of dark leather boots stick out from under a thick, but short, blanket. Following the outline of the legs attached to that boot, we see XENA. She appears to be asleep, her right arm covering her eyes. Just above her head we can see her chakram and sword leaning against ARGO’S saddle.

O.S. are the sounds of leaves rustling. Xena’s hand twitches a second before the chakram is flying through the air, accompanied by a very familiar sound. O.S. are now the sounds of the chakram bouncing off various things before a metallic "clink" is heard, followed by a rather loud "thump". The weapon returns to its owner, who simply holds up her hand to catch it, never once opening her eyes.

The blanket that is covering Xena stirs slightly before a clump of blonde hair is revealed. GABRIELLE is looking up from where she has been curled against Xena.

GABRIELLE

What was that?

XENA

Nothing. Go back to sleep.

GABRIELLE

(A beat as she tries to open her eyes)

No sun yet.

XENA

Nope.

GABRIELLE

(Snuggling against Xena)

Will you wake me when it’s noon?

XENA

(Smiling fondly)

Sure.

GABRIELLE

(Big yawn)

Okay.

Gabrielle is asleep in seconds. Xena pops one eye open and looks down at her friend. She waits a beat before disentangling herself from the bard. Standing in just her leathers and her boots, Xena stretches her tall frame, working on her sore muscles.

XENA

Gods, I think I’m getting too old for this.

Xena gathers her armor and weapons and heads toward a stream, conveniently located near their camp. She pets Argo, who is happily munching on grass nearby.

Xena pauses on her way to the stream, slowly turning her head back toward camp. Her expression makes it clear that she hears trouble. She grips the chakram tightly, locating the source of the trouble with her sensitive hearing. With a feral grin, she releases the chakram.

We follow the chakram as it bounces off four trees, two rocks and finally smacks into the helmet of a THUG. The thug goes down like a sack of grain. The chakram rebounds and returns to Xena’s hand.

She pauses for a moment, making sure there are no other thugs near, then makes her way to the stream.

 

EXT THUG CAMP MORNING

A dozen thugs mill around the camp with nothing to do but wait. A few are engaged in games of chance; at least one is passed out cold, his mug still in his hand. Two are sword fighting, while the remaining two are on guard duty.

 

V.O. WOMAN

This isn’t going to work.

V.O. MAN

Trust me. It’ll work.

V.O. WOMAN

As if! Last time I trusted you I ended up in

Egypt with the sphinx…

V.O. MAN

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Am I never going to live that down?

(He continues without waiting for an answer)

I’m telling you, this will work. Xena will do exactly

what we want her to do.

V.O. WOMAN

When has she ever done what you wanted?

V.O. MAN

Funny.

V.O. WOMAN

So, what’s the plan?

V.O. MAN

I didn’t tell you the plan?

V.O. WOMAN

Uh, noooo, you didn’t!

V.O. MAN

Oh.

 

EXT CAMP MORNING

The sun is now fully out, though not quite noon. Xena, hair still wet from her bath, comes back to the camp, whistling a very familiar tune. Uh-huh. Same one she always whistles. She reaches the camp and stops when she sees the bedrolls are askew.

 

XENA

Gabrielle!

There is no answer, since obviously Gabrielle is missing. Xena does her bit to look around the camp, as if the bard is hiding from her under Argo’s saddle. But, alas, Gabrielle is long gone. So are her staff and scrolls.

 

XENA

Gabrielle!

CUT TO:

EXT AMAZON VILLAGE

There is a large hut situated just outside the main part of the village. It’s a lot bigger than the other huts and, for Amazons, it could be considered lavish. Inside the hut, three beautiful Amazons are sitting in chairs that circle a nice desk.

BRIANA

Hey Kel, did you finish that staff yet?

KELLARA

Almost, Bri. I’m having trouble finding pink feathers.

JILLIANA

Oh, that’s easy! All you have to do is find a pink bird!

Brina and Kellara throw small pillows at their friend. When Jilliana ducks, the pillows fly toward the door, smacking JOXER in the head as he walks in.

JOXER

Funny. Real funny.

BRIANA

Hey there Jox!

KELLARA

(giggling)

Um, hi Joxer.

Jilliana is laughing too hard to speak to him, but does get up from her chair to retrieve the pillows. Joxer straightens his pasta strainer and helmet before taking his place at the desk. He arranges a few scrolls, then turns to the wall behind him. He opens a small square door about 6 inches wide and 4 inches tall. Wire mesh covers the opening, obscuring the face behind it.

AUTO

Good morning Angels!

ALL THREE GIRLS

Good morning Auto!

BRIANA

What do you have for us today, Auto?

AUTO

I’ve got a big one for ya, babe. Joxer, give ‘em the scrolls.

Joxer hands each one of the girls a scroll. They carefully look them over, each reacting to what they are reading.

KELLARA

The Queen?

JILLIANA

Who would kidnap the Queen?

Brina, Kellara and Joxer all look to Jilliana as if to say "Duh".

JILLIANA

Okay, do we have any leads?

BRIANA

Where’s Xena? Why isn’t she looking for the Queen?

AUTO

She can’t.

JOXER

Xena was sent to Thessaly to retrieve the Golden Fleece in

exchange for Gabrielle.

BRIANA

The Golden Fleece? As in the one

that Jason of Lolkos has?

JOXER

You know of another one?

BRIANA

I know he’ll kill anyone who tries to take it.

 

 

 

AUTO

Anyway, while Xena is gone, it’s our job to find the little bard.

Briana, I want you to go to Corinth. There are a couple of con men there

that are headed for Thebes. Go with them. It’ll be a good cover

for you.

BRIANA

Con men. Hmm, are they as good as you?

AUTO

(Laughs softly)

No one is as good as the King of Thieves baby. Now, Kellara,

I want you to go to Xena and Gabrielle’s camp, just to the south

of Corinth. See what you can find there.

KELLARA

You got it.

AUTO

And Jilliana, I want you and Joxer to head for Thebes. There’s a slave auction there

at the end of the week.

JILLIANA

You think the Queen will be taken there?

AUTO

I’m not sure, but I want you there just in case.

END OF ACT ONE

 

Commercial break

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

ACT TWO

INT TAVERN

Only two patrons in this particular establishment. Two men sit in the far corner. Each one has a mug of ale in front of him. One man is clean cut, very handsome. The other looks a bit scruffy, with long curly hair. Both are very familiar. Their voices are familiar the moment they speak.

ELDON

I still think you’re crazy.

RAFE

That’s what makes this partnership work so well, doncha think?

ELDON

(Drinking his ale)

Uh huh. So, what makes you so damn sure that Xena is…

Rafe holds out his hand to silence his partner. He then points to the door just as a tall, brown haired woman steps through the doorway. She is dressed like a commoner, but something about her catches Rafe’s eye. Maybe because she’s gorgeous?

RAFE

How much?

ELDON

(Confused—since he missed the change in subject)

How much for what?

RAFE

How many dinars will you bet me that I get her to kiss me.

Eldon looks over his shoulder to the woman, who has taken a seat at the bar. She is delicately drinking a glass of goat’s milk.

ELDON

25 dinars says you won’t get a kiss from her at all.

RAFE

Make it 50 and I’ll get that kiss before sunset tomorrow.

ELDON

(Looking rather pleased)

You’re on.

 

Rafe puts on his most rakish grin and saunters over to the bar. He takes a seat next to the beautiful woman and motions for the bartender.

RAFE

I’ll have another ale and give the lady another (a beat as

he looks at her glass of goat’s milk) one of those and put them

on my tab.

BARTENDER

No tab. You never paid last month. Pay up now. 2 dinars.

RAFE

(Digs in his pocket for the money)

I paid you for last month!

BARTENDER

Pay now.

RAFE

Fine.

Rafe hands over the 2 dinars, sliding them across the bar. The Bartender puts them into his pocket and walks away. Rafe is grinning when he turns back to Briana, but his grin fades at the look on her face.

RAFE

What?

BRIANA

That wasn’t very nice.

RAFE

(Feigns innocence)

What?

BRIANA

You slid him two wooden dinars.

RAFE

No way. They were real.

BRIANA

Really? How about if I call him over here and explain to

him what you did?

 

RAFE

Now, is that really necessary?

BRIANA

You tell me.

Rafe considers this for a moment. But only a moment. His gaze catches Eldon’s and he knows that time is running out. He places 2 real dinars on the bar.

RAFE

So, what’s a wonderful girl like you…

BRIANA

That’s the best you can do?

RAFE

Well, I…

BRIANA

I need to be going now. Maybe I’ll see you around.

Briana gets up from the bar and leaves. Rafe watches her go, ignoring Eldon as he joins him at the bar.

 

ELDON

Hmm, wonder what I’m going to buy with all those

dinars that you’re going to owe me.

RAFE

I’m not going to owe you anything.

ELDON

Really?

RAFE

Really. She likes me.

Rafe walks out of the bar with a very satisfied look on his face.

 

EXT DAY XENA AND GABRIELLE’S CAMP

Kellara is searching through the remains of the camp, examining trees where the chakram has obviously left its mark.

Kellara finds a trail and follows it through the woods, noting that the chakram marks go pretty deep into the woods. She eventually comes upon a small clearing. This is the former location of the THUG CAMP.

Kellara goes through the remains of this camp, wrinkling her nose at a particularly foul odor.

KELLARA

I hope that’s not what I think it is.

She continues her inspection of the camp, not at all surprised to find more chakram marks.

KELLARA

Looks like Xena did some serious butt-kicking here.

Kellara steps into the only tent still standing, careful not to touch too much. There is a cot that has been overturned and an open chest lying near it. Several items from the chest are scattered around the tent. Among those items are some scrolls. Kellara looks through them before picking one up, unrolling it to read it.

O.S. we hear the sound of a sword being drawn. The blade rests on Kellara’s shoulder, very close to her neck.

 

CUT TO:

EXT ROAD

Joxer and Jilliana are on horseback. Jilliana’s blonde locks are blowing in the breeze behind her. She turns in the saddle to look back at Joxer, flashing him a very sexy grin. Joxer nearly falls off his horse.

JILLIANA

Wanna make camp soon? We’ve still got a day’s ride to Thebes.

JOXER

(Clears his throat)

Uh, sure. Anywhere you say is good with me.

JILLIANA

Great!

They ride just a bit further, before Jilliana slides off her horse, dropping the reigns to the ground. She quickly unpacks her things and begins setting up camp. Joxer spies a stream located very conveniently close to their camp.

Jilliana sees the same stream and her face lights up with excitement.

JILLIANA

Oh! I’m going to take a bath. Will you get the fire

going, Joxer?

JOXER

Uh, yeah, sure. I’ll start a fire.

JILLIANA

Cool!

Jilliana runs toward the stream, stripping her clothes off as she goes. Joxer is transfixed and unable to move, much less start a fire.

Joxer’s doesn’t hear the footsteps behind him and jumps when his helmet is knocked askew.

JOXER

Hey!

XENA

You never learn, do ya?

JOXER

Xena! What are you doing here? You’re supposed

to be on your way to Thessaly.

XENA

Huh? Why would I be going to Thessaly?

JOXER

Because…but I thought…

XENA

(Giving Joxer "the look")

Joxer, what are you talking about?

JOXER

You getting the Golden Fleece so you can save Gabby.

XENA

What do you know about Gabrielle, Joxer? Have you

seen her?

 

JOXER

(Looking more confused than normal)

Xena, Autolycus told us that you were on your

way to Thessaly to get the Golden Fleece, because that’s

what Gabby’s kidnappers told you to do.

XENA

Autolycus told you this?

JOXER

Yeah.

XENA

(Obviously catching on to something)

Uh huh. So, where’s Autolycus now?

JOXER

Not sure. But we’re headed to Thebes for a slave

auction.

XENA

Thanks Joxer.

Xena takes off at a run, leaving a very confused Joxer behind. He turns away from the road to find Jilliana has finished her bath and is getting dressed. He sighs deeply at having missed the show.

JILLIANA

Joxer! You didn’t start the fire.

JOXER

Sorry, Jilliana. My fire is all burned out.

JILLIANA

(Flips her hair)

Huh?

JOXER

Never mind.

FADE OUT

END OF ACT TWO

 

Commercial Break

ACT THREE

INT THUG TENT

Kellara is seated on the now upright cot. An ugly THUG (is there another kind?) is standing guard over her. It’s obvious she has allowed him to think he has the upper hand. Of course, she’s ready to snap him in half with her Amazon skills.

THUG

What are you doing here?

KELLARA

Scavenging.

THUG

Huh?

KELLARA

Looking for useful stuff.

THUG

What’s so useful about a scroll?

The thug is holding up said scroll.

 

KELLARA

(Rolls her eyes)

Well, you write on it. Read it.

THUG

Use it to wipe your…

KELLARA

Hey! (She grabs the scroll from him) You don’t

use a scroll for that! What are you, a blind Cyclops?

 

THUG

What’d you call me?

KELLARA

I don’t have time to explain.

Kellara gets up and starts to leave. The Thug stands in her way, the tip of his sword coming to rest between Kellara’s breasts. Kellara looks at the sword and rolls her eyes again.

KELLARA

You men are all alike.

THUG

What?

KELLARA

It really isn’t the length of the sword that matters. It’s how you use it.

Before the thug can process this…and that could take days…Kellara knocks the sword from his hands with a roundhouse kick. He stumbles back, shocked that the small woman could disarm him. She delivers a one-handed Karate chop to his neck and the big man falls to the ground, unconscious. Kellara holds the scroll up triumphantly as she steps over the thug and leaves the tent.

 

EXT CORINTH TOWN CENTER

Briana is seated on the back of a wagon, watching Eldon and Rafe packing their horses to leave. Rafe glances at her, whispers something to Eldon, then makes his way to her.

 

RAFE

Hi there.

BRIANA

Hello. Leaving town?

RAFE

For a while.

BRIANA

Heading off to con someone else?

RAFE

(A beat)

Well, something like that. Why? You want to come?

BRIANA

I was afraid you’d never ask.

Briana jumps off the wagon.

BRIANA

I’m ready.

RAFE

You have a horse?

BRIANA

You mean I can’t ride with you?

RAFE

(Smiling at the thought)

Of course you can.

Rafe leads Briana by the hand to Eldon and the horses. He helps her up, getting a look from his partner.

RAFE

So, ever been to Thebes?

 

 

EXT. JOXER AND JILLIANA’S CAMP—MORNING

Jilliana is gathering their stuff. Joxer still has a confused look on his face. Just like always.

JILLIANA

Why didn’t you tell me this last night?

JOXER

How was I supposed to know it’s so important?

JILLIANA

Joxer, the fact that Xena had no idea what you were talking

about didn’t ring any bells with you?

JOXER

No. I try to stay away from bells. They give me a headache.

JILLIANA

(A beat before tossing Joxer’s bedroll at him)

If Xena wasn’t told by the kidnappers to go to Thessaly

to retrieve the Golden Fleece, then who was? And what

if that person never gets it? What will happen to the Queen?

And where did Xena run off to? Where…

JOXER

Stop! You’re making my head spin!

 

JILLIANA

I should do more than make it spin!

Jilliana mounts her horse and speeds of in the general direction that Xena left in.

EXT THEBES

There is a large gathering of slave traders near the marketplace. From the way they are dressed, most of them are from the desert regions. At least thirty girls are gathered next to a crude stage, all of them wearing white robes. One particular blonde girls stands out amongst the taller brunettes.

V.O. WOMAN

The warrior babe better get here soon. Looks like

the bard is going to get sold.

V.O. MAN

You worry too much, Sis. I told her to be here with

the Golden Fleece before sunset.

V.O. WOMAN

And that’s about a half a candlemark from now.

 

V.O. MAN

Why are you so worried about the bard getting sold

anyway? Xena won’t know until it’s too late.

V.O. WOMAN

(A beat)

Because I kinda like the bard.

V.O. MAN

We are talking about the same annoying blonde? Right?

V.O. WOMAN

Yes! She’s not so annoying ya know. Once you

get to know her.

V.O. MAN

Oh please! She’s a mortal!

V.O. WOMAN

Yeah. And so’s Xena. What’s your point?

The man doesn’t reply as the slavers start gathering the girls up to begin the auction.

 

CUT TO:

Joxer riding into Thebes. He is no longer wearing his pasta strainer and helmet, looking very much like a "normal" man. Beside his horse walks Jilliana, who is dressed in a white slave robe. Joxer dismounts and leads Jilliana up to the stage, pushing her forward.

JOXER

How much?

The SLAVER, a large, ugly, brute, gives Jilliana the once over.

SLAVER

She’s kinda scrawny.

JILLIANA

Hey!

SLAVER

And mouthy, too.

JOXER

Uh, well, she’s not very well trained. But I’m sure that

can be fixed.

SLAVER

(Standing in front of Jilliana)

Oh, I’m sure it can be.

The Slaver pulls Jilliana onto the stage, placing her beside Gabrielle. The Slaver moves to talk to Joxer.

Gabrielle is so intent on watching Joxer that she almost doesn’t notice Jilliana is talking to her.

GABRIELLE

What did you say?

JILLIANA

I said I’m Jill and I’m here to rescue you.

GABRIELLE

Little short for an Amazon, aren’t you?

 

 

JILLIANA

(Raising an eyebrow)

I’m taller than you.

GABRIELLE

But I’m the Queen.

JILLIANA

Good point.

GABRIELLE

I also don’t need saving. But thanks all the same.

JILLIANA

You don’t?

Gabrielle hushes Jilliana as the auction begins.

CUT TO:

THE ROAD JUST OUTSIDE OF THEBES

Rafe, Briana and Eldon are slowly making their way into town. Briana is seated in front of Rafe, who has his arm wrapped loosely around her.

Eldon stops long enough to dismount.

ELDON

You two go on ahead. My horse has a stone in her shoe. I’m

going to walk her into town.

RAFE

Okay.

Briana glances back as Rafe nudges his horse into a trot. Eldon winks at her and she has to hold back a smile. She knows the two con men are up to something.

BRIANA

So, what are we doing here in Thebes?

RAFE

Oh, not much. Just going to a slave auction.

BRIANA

(Feigning surprise)

A slave auction? What for?

RAFE

I figured I’d see how much I can get for you.

BRIANA

(Turning in the saddle so she can face Rafe)

What!

RAFE

(Laughing)

Just kidding. Actually, I’m looking for some friends

of mine.

BRIANA

Who?

RAFE

Ah, here we are.

Rafe stops outside the city gates, dismounting and then helping Briana down. As they stand together, Rafe’s hands on Briana’s hips, it looks like they are about to kiss. Rafe leans forward slightly, his lips parted…then Briana ducks away. He smiles at her evasion.

RAFE

After you.

He makes a sweeping gesture with his arm as the city gates are opened, then follows Briana inside.

END OF ACT THREE

Commercial Break

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

ACT FOUR

EXT THEBES SLAVE AUCTION

Gabrielle is standing in line on the stage, her gaze fixed on a tall brunette woman who is weaving in and out of the crowd. The woman is wearing a black cloak, but her movements are very familiar.

GABRIELLE

I knew it!

JILLIANA

What?

GABRIELLE

I knew she’d be here.

JILLIANA

Who are you talking about?

GABRIELLE

Never mind. Look, you said you came to help me, right?

JILLIANA

Rescue you.

GABRIELLE

Right. Look, I want you to create a distraction. I need

to get to that woman in the crowd.

JILLIANA

Well, like you said, you’re the Queen.

Gabrielle smiles, never taking her eyes off the woman in the cloak.

Jilliana takes a deep breath and screams.

CUT TO:

EXT THEBES CITY GATES

Briana and Rafe are just walking away from the gates when Eldon comes through them. It’s clear he is watching the two carefully, waiting for the kiss.

RAFE

So, Briana, you never told me where you’re from.

 

BRIANA

You never asked.

RAFE

Good answer. (a beat) So, where you from?

BRIANA

(Laughs)

A village to the south of Corinth. I’m sure you’ve never

heard of it.

RAFE

I bet I have. I’ve traveled a lot.

BRIANA

How much?

RAFE

What?

BRIANA

How much will you bet?

RAFE

(Grinning)

A kiss.

BRIANA

A kiss? You’ll give me a kiss for telling you where I’m

from?

RAFE

No. You’ll give me a kiss for guessing where

you’re from.

Briana laughs, considering Rafe’s offer. She’s about to answer him when they hear a scream. Both react immediately, running toward the slave auction.

CUT TO:

Jilliana continues screaming and running around the stage as if she’s gone mad. The slavers rush to control her while Gabrielle sneaks off the stage. The woman in the black cloak runs toward the marketplace, Gabrielle on her heels.

Joxer rushes forward, shoving his way to Jilliana. He moves the slavers out of the way, grabs Jilliana by the arms and shakes her until she stops screaming.

JOXER

What’s wrong with you?

JILLIANA

Nothing.

JOXER

What? Then why are you screaming?

JILLIANA

Because the Queen told me to.

JOXER

(Looking around, but not seeing Gabrielle)

Queen? Where is she?

JILLIANA

(Whispering to Joxer)

She ran off into the marketplace.

The Slaver parts the crowd, grabbing hold of Jilliana’s arm.

SLAVER

Get this crazy woman out of here!

JOXER

No problem.

Joxer leads Jilliana through the crowd, heading in the same direction as Gabrielle.

Jilliana is ahead of Joxer and nearly runs into Briana.

BRIANA

What’s going on?

JILLIANA

The Queen was being sold as a slave, but she escaped.

BRIANA

If she escaped, why are you running?

JOXER

(Already out of breath)

Because she ran into the crowd and disappeared.

Rafe and Eldon join them. Joxer recognizes the con men immediately.

JOXER

Great. If you’re here to con me…

RAFE

No Joxer. I swear that’s not why we’re here.

(To Briana)

What’s going on?

BRIANA

Queen Gabrielle is missing.

RAFE

Gabrielle?

At Joxer’s nod, Rafe starts looking around the crowd, knowing that I Gabrielle was around, Xena is certain to be close by.

Along the far edge of the marketplace, tucked into a doorway, stands the woman with the black cloak. Rafe recognizes her and quickly makes his way to the woman.

RAFE

Hello Xena.

The woman looks up at him and by her expression it’s clear she does not know who Rafe is. Though her eyes are very familiar…

RAFE

You’re not Xena, are you?

WOMAN

Sure I am! See!

(She removes the cloak to reveal her armor)

Joxer moves to Rafe’s side, his hands on is hips.

JOXER

Meg! What are you doing here?

MEG

(A very big silly grin on her face)

Heya Joxer!

JOXER

Meg…

MEG

I came to give the hunk in black the Gold Fleas.

Briana, Jilliana and Eldon are now gathered around the doorway. Briana shakes her head as if she is certain she heard Meg wrong.

BRIANA

The what?

MEG

Gold Fleas. He said that if I didn’t get them to him by

sundown the bard would get sold as a slave. I didn’t figure

Xena would like that very much, so here I am!

JOXER

What hunk in black?

MEG

I don’t know his name, but he’s around here

somewhere.

BRIANA

Did you tell anyone you were coming here?

MEG

No way. He told me to get Gold Fleas and bring them, but

not to tell anybody. Ya know, this being good stuff is hard!

(Whispering to Joxer) Have you ever tried to pour gold

on fleas before? Sheesh!

BRIANA

(Shaking her head)

We need to find the queen. Let’s split up. Joxer, you stay with

Meg and see if you can find out who the hunk in black is.

Jilliana, you and Eldon search the west side of the marketplace.

Rafe and I will search the east and meet back here in one candlemark.

EXT THEBES MARKETPLACE

Gabrielle is sneaking around the various stalls, looking under tables and behind curtains, trying to find Meg. The moment she steps around a corner Gabrielle is grabbed from behind. A hand covers her mouth as she is dragged into an alley.

Her attacker leans close and a very familiar voice rumbles low in her ear.

 

XENA

Calm down, it’s me.

GABRIELLE

(Pulling away to glare at her friend)

Xena! What’s going on?

XENA

I’ll explain later. Is she here?

GABRIELLE

(Nods)

I saw her right before I got away from the slavers. Joxer is

here, too. And he brought Autolycus’ girls with him.

XENA

Yeah, I know. I ran into Joxer and Jilliana outside

Corinth.

GABRIELLE

So now what?

 

XENA

We wait.

CUT TO:

SLAVE MARKET

Everyone is now gone as night begins to settle over the city. Briana is checking around the stage, ostensibly looking for clues. There is a noise O.S. and Briana draws her dagger, crouches and prepares to fight.

There is a little light coming in from the marketplace. It is enough to show Kellara as she moves toward the slave stage. Briana sighs and moves toward her friend.

BRIANA

Hey Kel, what did you find?

 

KELLARA

I searched the only tent left in the camp near where the Queen was last seen.

The scroll I found says she’s to be sold as a slave at

the auction here.

BRIANA

You’re a bit late on that one.

KELLARA

She’s been sold?

BRIANA

No, but the auction’s over. The Queen was able to escape

but no one knows where she is.

KELLARA

(Unrolling the scroll)

Maybe this will help.

BRIANA

What is it?

KELLARA

A map of Thebes.

BRIANA

Kel, I grew up here, I don’t need a map.

KELLARA

Bri, it’s not just any map. Look at this.

Kellara holds up the map. There is a mark where the slave auction will be held, a mark near the main gates, and a third mark on an alley in the center of the city.

KELLARA

(Pointing to the third mark)

How much you wanna bet the Queen ends

up here?

BRIANA

(Groans)

Please, no more betting.

KELLARA

Huh?

BRIANA

Never mind. C’mon. Let’s go.

Briana and Kellara head for the alley. Rafe reveals himself from his hiding place and follows them.

 

EXT ALLEY

Xena and Gabrielle are hidden behind a stack of crates, waiting. A figure appears beside Xena, casting a shadow over both of them. Gabrielle stands behind Xena, who is more annoyed than anything else.

XENA

Ares.

ARES

Hey Xena. I see you found your little girlfriend.

GABRIELLE

Hey!

XENA

(Holds up a hand to quiet Gabrielle)

What do you want, Ares?

ARES

You know what I want.

XENA

(Rolling her eyes)

How many times do we have to go through this?

ARES

(Shrugs)

As many as it takes. So, where is it?

XENA

Where’s what?

There is a pink flash and Aphrodite materializes next to Ares.

APRHODITE

The Golden Fleece. You were supposed to bring it

here.

XENA

What are you talking about?

APHRODITE

(Big sigh)

Golden Fleece—Jason—Argonauts. Get it?

 

GABRIELLE

That wasn’t Xena that you told, Aphrodite.

APHRODITE

Look blondie, I know tall dark and deadly when I see her.

XENA

Really?

Xena waves her arm, motioning Meg and Joxer out of their hiding place.

Aphrodite looks from Xena to Meg, her expression clearly one of confusion.

APHRODITE

Twins? When did this happen?

GABRIELLE

Well, if you really want a lesson…

APHRODITE

Can it blondie.

ARES

(Checking out Meg)

I like. Not as good as the real one, but nice.

MEG

Back off, bub!

Meg shoves Ares away, then reaches into her pouch and pulls out a small back, throwing it at Ares.

MEG

There, I got what ya asked for.

ARES

What?

MEG

(Meg rolls her eyes)

The Gold Fleas! Sheesh! Good looking, but not so smart.

ARES

(Carefully opens the bag and nearly drops it)

Fleas?

APHRODITE

(Grabs the bag to see for herself)

Fleas! I said Golden Fleece you half-witted back

end of a Centaur!

ARES

Fleece, fleas, what’s the difference?

APHRODITE

What’s the difference? I can’t put fleas in my temple!!

MEG

Well, they’re gold aren’t they?

Aphrodite throws up her hands and makes a "grrr" noise. Ares throws his head back in laughter, puts his arm around Aphrodite and they "pop" out.

FADE OUT

INT HUT ON THE OUTSKIRTS OF THE AMAZON VILLAGE

It’s a few days later. The girls are seated in front of Joxer’s desk and are joined by Xena and Gabrielle. Autolycus is behind his little hole in the wall.

AUTOLYCUS

Well, another job well done, Angels.

BRIANA

Thanks, Auto, but we really didn’t do anything.

JILLIANA

Yeah. The Queen and Xena had it figured out before we did.

GABRIELLE

Not true. Besides, I wouldn’t have been able to get away

from the slavers without your help, Jilliana.

JILLIANA

My pleasure Queen Gabrielle.

KELLARA

So, Aphrodite wanted the Golden Fleece, but knew she

couldn’t get it on her own.

BRIANA

Right. So she figured that the only way to get it

would be to have someone get it for her.

JILLIANA

But why Xena? Why not just find a thief—like

the King of Thieves maybe.

AUTOLYCUS

(Clearing his throat)

Well, um, let’s just say that she tried to hire

me. But I said no.

ALL THREE GIRLS

No?

BRIANA

Auto, since when do you say no to a challenge

like stealing the Golden Fleece?

XENA

Since he promised someone a long time ago

that he would never steal it.

KELLARA

Who? Who’d you promise?

AUTOLYCUS

(Obviously embarrassed)

Hercules. I tried to steal it once and he caught me.

I had to promise him I’d never try again to avoid

going to jail.

GABRIELLE

(Smiling)

So that’s why Aphrodite went to Xena. She

figured with Ares help, she could pressure

Xena into stealing it for her.

XENA

I figured Ares has something to do with it,

so I arranged for him to meet with Meg instead.

JOXER

(Holding back laughter)

She spent a lot of time dipping those fleas in gold.

They all enjoy a moment of laughter.

JILLIANA

Hey Bri, what ever happened to Rafe?

BRIANA

Good Question, Jill.

CUT TO:

EXT AMAZON VILLAGE

It is night now and Briana is standing near the stables. She doesn’t flinch when someone sneaks up behind her.

BRIANA

If you were any other man, I’d have killed

you by now.

RAFE

If I were any other man, I’d have kissed

you by now.

BRIANA

(Turning to face Rafe)

What’s stopping you?

Rafe is grinning as he leans forward, gently pressing his lips to Briana’s.

Briana pulls a small bag from his shirt pocket as the kiss ends and the part.

RAFE

Hey!

BRIANA

Just taking my part.

RAFE

You’re part?

BRIANA

Of the bet.

RAFE

(Feigning innocence)

Bet?

BRIANA

Yeah. Bet.

RAFE

(Laughing)

I like your style. Can I kiss you again?

BRIANA

How many dinars you got?

Rafe grins and takes a small bag from his pocket and looks inside.

RAFE

Very funny.

Rafe opens the bag up to reveal a handful of golden fleas.

 

FADE OUT

THE END

 

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