TEASER
FADE IN:
EXT. BARREN HILLTOP, OVERLOOKING A TOWN SET IN A WIDE FLAT PLAIN – VERY LATE AFTERNOON
The sun is setting to the west of the town. It’s chilly on the hilltop, but a colder wind rises from the plain below. Wavy ripples of smoke rise from each building in town, wafting towards the two observers on the hill. Xena and Gabrielle are wrapped in long leather coats as they sit atop their horses. Xena’s is black leather and Gabrielle’s is a fluffy tan fur coat.
Xena shifts in her saddle and points toward the town.
XENA
That’s the end of the trail, Gabrielle. Odorem.
GABRIELLE
Strange name for a town.
Xena smirks.
XENA
Oh, I don’t know.
It kinda fits the place.
Gabrielle looks quizzically at Xena, but gets no response.
GABRIELLE
Well, the sooner we get there, the sooner
we’ll find out what the emergency is all about.
(beat)
You know, Xe, it’s hard to believe that
Arman and Amarice actually got married.
Gab smiles at the thought of seeing the two of them once more. Xena just shakes her head in disbelief.
XENA
What’s harder to believe is that Arman is
the town’s Marshall and Amarice
runs the local Inn.
Gabrielle reaches over and gives Xena a mild poke on her upper arm.
GABRIELLE
Now Xe…be nice!
(beat)
I’m just wondering what the emergency is.
XENA
Hey, I’m always nice! Right Argo?
Argo nods her head vigorously and turns to look at Gabrielle. As they leave the barren hilltop, the wind picks up.
GABRIELLE
Well, maybe to you and me Argo,
although I’m not sure if I’d agree with
the ‘always’ part for most anyone else.
Argo knickers at the comment as if in agreement causing both women to laugh. The horse shakes her head from side to side, then huffs and snorts as she starts prancing backwards when a wisp of smoke floats up toward them.
XENA
Easy girl, easy.
Xena reaches down and strokes the golden mare’s main.
GABRIELLE
Eeeuuwww! What on earth is that smell?
Gab fans the air in front of her with one hand while she holds her nose with the other. She looks suspiciously at Xena then at Argo’s rump.
XENA
Better get used to it, my Bard.
We did promise to help
Arman and Amarice.
Gabrielle looks at the town then back at Xena in horror.
GABRIELLE
You mean that…that smell…
is coming from the town?
Xena gives Gab a lopsided grin and winks at her.
XENA
Now you know why the name fits.
Xena nudges Argo into a trot before Gabrielle can protest.
GABRIELLE
Great! Just great!
Gabrielle spurs her horse into a gallop, catching up with Xena at the town’s gate.
FADE TO:
EXT. DUSTY TOWN MAIN STREET – VERY LATE AFTERNOON
Townsfolk scurry down the wind whipped street as Xena and Gabrielle ride down the middle of it.
Xena points to a building with a sheepskin, head and legs included, stretched across the top of the doorway. One of the sheep’s legs is loose and holding an ale mug. The gusting wind is comically making it appear as if the sheep is drinking from the mug.
XENA
Gotta be Amarice’s place.
Gabrielle looks up and down the main street and nods in agreement.
GABRIELLE
Well, it looks like it’s
the only Inn in town.
They dismount and walk their horses over to the hitching post in front of the building. As they step toward the Inn, the swinging half doors burst open as a MAN is thrown through them. The ejected person hits the ground and rolls right into Xena’s legs, face down. Xena kicks the semi-conscious man over and recognizes him. Gabrielle gasps and hurries over.
GABRIELLE
Autolocus!
Just then, a big burly woman comes out of the Inn and stops, taking in the scene. She snarls at Gabrielle and moves forward with the intention of continuing her pounding of Autolocus.
BIG WOMAN
Git yer hands off him!
That piece of meat is mine!
As the woman reaches down to grab Gabrielle, she’s stopped cold as Xena grabs her shirt from behind and yanks her backward. Hissing in the woman’s ear, Xena snarls.
XENA
Not anymore he’s not.
The woman turns and begins to swing a clenched right fist toward Xena, but is stopped as Xena catches the fist with her left hand and begins to bend it backward. The woman tries to push back but is outmatched and starts grimacing as the pain intensifies.
GABRIELLE
If you’re smart,
you’ll know when to quit.
BIG WOMAN
Arrgghh, he’s more
trouble than he’s worth!
She pulls back, shaking her hand out after Xena releases her grip. She looks Xena up and down, and then looks at Gabrielle who is cradling Autolocus’ head in her lap, then back up at Xena.
BIG WOMAN
(Cont’d)
Let me know if you
want to dump the blonde.
As the woman stomps off, Xena and Gabrielle shake their heads in disgust. Xena takes the water skin off Argo’s saddle and hands it to Gabrielle. Gab gives Autolocus a small dousing of water to wake him up then offers him a drink. He blinks, focusing finally on the two women.
AUTOLOCUS
Gab? Xena?
XENA
Well, at least she didn’t
mess up his memory.
GABRIELLE
Autolocus, what on earth were
you doing with that woman?
Autolocus slowly sits up and assesses himself, groaning as he moves slowly to stand.
AUTOLOCUS
I wasn’t doing anything…
Xena and Gabrielle look at each other and roll their eyes.
AUTOLOCUS
(cont’d)
No…really! I was just sitting in
there and having a mug of ale.
He dusts himself off and grins wide.
AUTOLOCUS
(cont’d)
Guess she took a liking to me.
XENA & GABRIELLE
Oh, boy!
XENA
(Cont’d)
C’mon, let’s go inside and
find out the whole story.
CUT TO:
INTERIOR OF INN – EARLY EVENING
It’s very crowded and loud with a lot of jostling and shoving going on. Xena, Gabrielle and Autolocus are sitting at a table in the back corner. Xena is surveying the rowdy behavior and the frantic actions of the petite bar keeper as she tries to keep the customers happy and realizes that many of the customers are not what one would expect in a sheep herding town.
GABRIELLE
I thought Amarice owned this place.
One of the young girls helping the bar keeper sets a round of mugs down at their table and responds to Gabrielle’s comment.
YOUNG GIRL:
She does…but, she’s…
The young girl looks up toward the sleeping rooms and Gabrielle becomes alarmed.
GABRIELLE
What? Is she all right?
Gab stands quickly ready to head up the flight of stairs. The young girl puts her arm out and touches Gabrielle’s arm.
YOUNG GIRL
Oh, she’s fine…she’s just…well having
a tough time right now. That little baby
she’s carrying has been giving her a rough time!
Gabrielle, Xena and Autolocus look at the young girl in surprise, then at each other.
GABRIELLE
Baby? She’s going to have a baby?
Her note didn’t say anything about a baby!
Gabrielle looks at Xena who just shrugs. Xena turns her attention to the young girl, reaching up and grabbing a bottle that comes whizzing through the air. With a nonchalant motion, Xena sets the bottle down on the table.
XENA
Crowd’s getting a little rough. I thought Arman
is the Marshall here. Where is he anyway?
YOUNG GIRL
Oh, he got called out to Cirrus’ place.
Someone’s been stealing the sheep herder’s chips.
Autolocus perks up at the sound of the theft. He’d heard rumors from lesser thieves that there was a shit load of chips to be had in this town but he was just beginning to realize the meaning of their words and that they weren’t referring to dinar chips. Cautiously he asks…
AUTOLUCUS
Chips? What kind of chips?
YOUNG GIRL
Sheep chips. You know…dried sheep dung?
Gabrielle and Autolocus both make faces of disgust while Xena raises an eyebrow and nods in affirmation as the young girl heads back to the bar.
AUTOLOCUS
Why would anyone want to steal sheep dung?
XENA
It’s a very valuable commodity in these parts.
And winter’s coming. There’s very little in
the way of firewood around here, so the locals burn…
Gabrielle begins to see the picture as she gets another whiff of the foul odor that permeates the town.
GABRIELLE
That smelly smoke…that’s…
Xena smiles as she sees the light dawn in Gabrielle’s eyes.
XENA
Yep…dungsmoke!
FADE OUT.
END OF TEASER
ACT ONE
FADE IN:
INT. SLEEPING ROOM – EARLY EVENING
Amarice is on the bed moaning. The other person in the room is by the fireplace setting a cauldron of water to boil.
A loud knock on the door makes Amarice growl.
AMARICE
Go away!
OTHER PERSON
Now, Amarice…just relax
The OTHER PERSON turns away from the fire and walks to the door, opening it to see Xena and Gabrielle standing there.
XENA
Talia!
Xena grabs the woman and gives her a hug. Gabrielle moves in and hugs her also.
XENA
(Cont’d)
Arman must really need
help if he called you in too.
TALIA
Oh, no…not me! I’ve hung up my
sword and taken up my mother’s work.
Talia ushers them into the room, closing the door behind her.
GABRIELLE
You’re a mid-wife now?
TALIA
Yes! And believe me…it’s much
more fun bringing life into the
world then sending it out!
Talia looks at Xena and winks.
TALIA
(cont’d)
Safer too!
Gabrielle moves to the bed and sits on it, taking one hand to move wet strands of Amarice’s hair out of her eyes.
GABRIELLE
Hey. Baby’s giving you a tough time I hear.
Amarice stiffens and forces a smile.
AMARICE
No…I’m fine! I’m strong ya know.
Just then another wave of pain hits and Amarice goes white with it. Gabrielle steps aside to give Talia access. Talia rushes to her side and places her hand on Amarice’s stomach, feeling the fierce kick of the baby inside.
TALIA
Ouch! That’s gotta hurt.
XENA
When’s she due?
TALIA
Not for a while yet….but that little
guy in there really wants out.
Gritting her teeth, Amarice reaches up and grabs the collar of Talia’s tunic, twisting it tightly and choking her.
Xena smirks and looks at Talia with a mischievous grin.
XENA
Safer, huh?
AMARICE
How many times do I have to
tell you…that’s a girl in there!
TALIA
Well, like I said…bringing life in is
better…but there are some drawbacks.
Talia gently reaches up and removes Amarice’s fingers from her clothing.
XENA
So, why the bed rest?
TALIA
Amarice had a little…accident.
Seems she tried to break up a fight downstairs
and got tossed over a table or two.
She started having early contractions,
but my mother taught me a little
trick with ale so we got them stopped.
At least for the time being.
XENA
Ah, that explains it…and the pain.
Messed her back up, huh?
TALIA
Yep, and I just can’t get her to
relax enough to ease the spasms.
Xena moves Amarice onto her side and jabs at two pressure points along her spine providing instant relief.
XENA
That’ll help for a while, but once the
time comes, I’ll have to take it off.
TALIA
Now that’s a nice trick I’d like to learn.
Xena and Talia walk over to the fireplace with Xena showing Talia how to hold her fingers and points out where to touch. As they carry on their conversation, Gabrielle moves back to the bed.
GABRIELLE
So…you’re going to be a mom now.
AMARICE
Yeah, guess it’s too late to change my mind.
Gabrielle grins and strokes Amarice’s shoulder.
GABRIELLE
Well, I’m sure you’re going to be a fine mother.
Amarice looks up at Gab and nods.
AMARICE
Well, if this kid turns out anything like me,
I’m going to need a lot of help!
Amarice becomes a bit more serious.
AMARICE
Gabrielle, Arman and I really need
Xena and you to give us a hand right now.
GABRIELLE
That’s why we’re here.
Just tell us what you need done.
FADE TO:
INT. OF THE INN - EVENING
Focus is on a stern look on Gabrielle’s face at first then pans out to see her coming down the stairs wearing a fur covered leather outfit, trimmed in feathers. The rowdy crowd looks up as she descends to a series of cat calls and whistling. Xena is on the balcony watching Gabrielle descend, a watchful eye on the crowd.
Gabrielle pulls and tugs on the form fitting outfit that Amarice insisted she wear, mumbling under her breath as she descends.
GABRIELLE
At least it’s not made out of sheepskin.
As Gabrielle reaches the bottom of the stairs a DRUNKEN MAN approaches. Xena stiffens, but Gabrielle looks up and gives her a wait and see signal.
DRUNKEN MAN
Now, that’s a really fine outfit you got on there,
but what’s with all them feathers?
He begins to reach for the feathers around the neckline, but is stopped as Gabrielle reaches up and slaps an iron grip on his wrist. She turns to the room eliciting more whistles and cat calls. Clearing her throat, she begins.
GABRIELLE
My name is Gabrielle and I’m here
to help my friend Amarice who needs
some quiet and rest.
(beat)
And, I intend to make sure she has it.
DRUNKEN MAN
You look more like a kitty
that ate some poor bird!
The crowd laughs and Gabrielle turns up the pressure on the wrist she is still holding. He grimaces and falls to his knees.
DRUNKEN MAN
(Cont’d)
Okay…okay…Miss Kitty…anything you say.
He pauses, looking up at Gabrielle who frowns at the name given her. Xena can be heard chuckling on the balcony. Gab releases the drunk and steps up on a bench.
GABRIELLE
All right, listen up! There’ll be no more
brawling or rowdy behavior in here.
A large MAN with one eye and a long scar down his right cheek enters and stops just inside the door. He did not see Gabrielle take care of the drunken man.
LARGE MAN AT DOOR
Or what?
Xena comes down the stairs now wearing long leather pants, a purple tunic with a leather vest over it, with a Marshall’s metal insignia displayed on the vest. She’s exchanged her long sword and scabbard for a shorter sword neatly slung on her hip opposite her chakram.
XENA
Or…you’ll make me angry and
you don’t want to see me angry.
Xena walks over to the MAN, hiking up an eyebrow she pins him with a stare and curls her lip in a lop sided snarl.
XENA
(Cont’d)
Got a problem with that?
Autolocus moves across the room to where Gabrielle is standing. His smiles wide as he assess Gab’s outfit and leans in to whisper.
AUTOLOCUS
Hmm, I think ‘Miss Kitty’ fits you…
Gabrielle narrows her eyes and stares back at him, causing him to straighten back up.
AUTOLOCUS
(Cont’d)
…Or, not. (beat) Umm, how about I give
you a hand here while Xena helps out Arman?
Gabrielle nods and motions for him to slip behind the bar to give the young girl a hand filling ale mugs. Gabrielle watches as the MAN at the door appraises Xena, finally focusing on the badge on her vest. The entire room has gone silent watching them also.
XENA
So, ya gonna behave while you’re here?
MAN
I’ll behave any way I want. It takes more
than a woman wearing a badge to scare me.
He reaches out to push Xena aside, but she stands firm, grabbing his hands as they push against her shoulders. While holding on, Xena pushes back and ejects the man from the Inn, releasing him as he stumbles through the door and falls backward onto the hard dirt of the street. She follows him out the door and stands on the boardwalk, looking down at him, hands on her hips. The rest of the Inn, follows her outside, or watches through the windows.
XENA
Then I guess you won’t be coming in.
The man gets up slowly, grabbing handfuls of dirt as he rises. He flings the dirt at Xena who instinctively shuts her eyes so she doesn’t see him rushing her. Her hearing though, picks up his movement and she reacts by doing a turning flip over him as he dives toward her. Landing behind him, she kicks him in the butt as he dives grabbing the air where she was. He lands hard on the boardwalk, sliding into the door frame. A loud crack is heard as his head hits the jamb. At first he looks as though he’s going to get up, then falls face first onto the floor boards. Xena dusts off her hands and looks at the crowd.
XENA
(Cont’d)
Anyone else thinking of misbehaving?
A wave of heads shaking causes Xena to smile. She points to two of the men closest to the unconscious man.
XENA
(Cont’d)
You two take him to the
jail and lock him up.
The sound of a horse galloping up to the Inn has her turn quickly around ready for more action, but she relaxes as she sees Arman pull his horse up and dismount. Arman watches as the two men drag the man off toward the jail then joins Xena on the boardwalk. He has a serious look on his face.
ARMAN
Darius isn’t going to like that
you’re putting Marius in jail.
XENA
Marius, eh? So, that’s his name.
Who’s Darius?
ARMAN
His brother. He’s twice as big and twice as mean.
And my bet is they’re the ones behind the thefts.
XENA
Then he’ll fall twice as hard.
Arman looks at Xena and smiles. Glad to see her, he steps up and they embrace in a hug.
XENA
(Cont’d)
Well, then I guess you should fill me in.
FADE OUT.
ACT TWO
FADE IN:
INT. JAILHOUSE - EVENING
The front area is small with a table, two chairs, a rack of swords on the wall, and a roundish fireplace (similar to a modern day southwestern chimnea with the smoke stack extending through the roof) in the middle of the room. The fireplace separates the front of the jail from the cell in the back. Marius is lying on a cot in the one and only cell, still unconscious. Outside night is falling and the temperature is dropping.
Arman is tossing several dung chips into the small fireplace as Xena examines it, walking around it and appreciating the radiating heat it produces.
XENA
Nice. I can’t say I’ve ever seen
anything with this design before.
ARMAN
Thanks. I designed it myself.
It puts out a lot of heat with
just a little dung and the chimney
takes the fumes out along with the smoke.
XENA
Well, if you get tired of keeping the peace,
you could probably do well with this.
Arman shrugs and then pulls out a chair and sits down. Xena joins him sitting in the other chair.
XENA
(Cont’d)
So, what’s the story Arman?
He sighs and looks into the cell in the back, noting that Marius is still out cold.
ARMAN
It’s been a really good summer.
We had a bumper crop of lambs this year,
good wool sales, and plenty of dinars
made their way into the herder’s pockets.
Then, as the weather started to get colder,
the herders started to pile up the dung for the winter.
Just as soon as they’d get a decent pile together,
it would disappear before they could haul it back
to their homes. Xena, these people rely on
that dung to get through the cold winter in these parts.
And this year the Oracle said it’s going to be a very bad winter.
This is normally a very peaceful place.
But with all the thefts, people are blaming
each other and getting into fights.
Just the slightest thing sets them off.
Xena nods her head having seen the rowdiness first hand at the Inn and also knowing that it was already too cold for this time of year.
XENA
So, you think that these brothers, Marius and
Darius are the ones behind the dung rustling?
Arman nods in agreement.
ARMAN
I don’t have anything solid to accuse them.
It’s just a feeling I have.
They’re the only herders’ who haven’t
complained about their dung being stolen.
XENA
Not too smart on their count.
They both turn their heads as they hear Marius begin to waken.
XENA
(Cont’d)
Let’s see if we can get to the bottom of this.
Xena stands and picks up the key for the jail lock. Arman follows her as she opens the jail door and leans over the groggy man. As he blinks his eyes open, she jabs him in the throat.
XENA
(Cont’d)
I’ve just cut off the flow of blood to your brain.
You have thirty seconds to tell me what
I want to know or you’ll die.
(pauses for effect)
Now, who’s stealing all the sheep dung?
MARIUS
(gasping)
I…I don’t know.
Xena shakes her head.
XENA
Do you understand that unless you
tell me what I want to know,
you’re gonna die in … 20 seconds?
Marius nods, partially sits up and quietly gasps out.
MARIUS
I … don’t … know.
ARMAN
Is it Darius?
Are you afraid of him?
Marius’ eyes widen then he shakes his head slowly. Xena jabs his throat to release the pinch, then shoves him back on the cot and stands. They exit the cell and relock the door.
XENA
Well, either he doesn’t know,
or he’s not afraid to die.
ARMAN
If Darius was my brother,
I wouldn’t tell on him either.
Your pinch would be an easy death
compared to what he’d do to him.
XENA
Well, it looks like we’ll have to go out
there and check out this Darius.
Let’s get some dinner over at the
Inn while we wait for it to get darker.
CUT TO:
INT. OF THE INN - EVENING
The patrons are fairly quiet as Xena and Arman enter. Autolocus is behind the bar and Gabrielle is leaning against the bar fanning dungsmoke away from her face with an improvised fan of feather quills.
Xena approaches the bar and leans over to whisper in Gabrielle’s ear.
XENA
Why hello there, Miss Kitty…
Gabrielle smacks the warrior with the handful of quills she’s been using to fan the smoke.
GABRIELLE
Xena, this smell is really awful.
How can these people stand it?
XENA
Necessity, Gabrielle. They probably
don’t even notice it anymore.
ARMAN
That’s right, Gabrielle.
You get used to it after a while.
GABRIELLE
Well, it’s about to turn my guts inside out.
Looking up at Xena she pleads with her eyes.
GABRIELLE
(cont’d)
Isn’t there something you can do
to block the smell? Some pinch or something?
Like the sea sick thing I do on my wrists?
Xena sighs and places her hands along the bridge of Gabrielle’s nose, sliding her thumbs down beneath her eyes and along the sinuses. She repeats the motion three times, each time just a little slower.
XENA
There. Is that better?
Gabrielle inhales deeply then smiles at Xena.
GABRIELLE
Wow…that worked. Thanks.
Arman notices Talia coming down the stairs and he rushes over to her.
ARMAN
How’s Amarice? Has the baby come yet?
TALIA
Not yet, Arman…but soon, I’m sure.
ARMAN
How’s the pain? Has it stopped?
Talia looks over at Xena and smiles.
TALIA
Well, you can thank your deputy on that one.
She used one of her ‘many skills’ to stop it.
Arman looks at Xena and nods.
ARMAN
Thanks, Xena. I owe you one.
XENA
Only one?
Arman looks back at Talia, anxiously.
ARMAN
Is it okay to go see her?
I mean she was a bit…
XENA
Cranky?
TALIA
She just fell asleep, but you can go on up
without worrying about having your head ripped off!
Arman bounds up the stairs and the rest settle at the table near the stairs. Xena fills them in on their questioning of Marius which has left them without suspects in the thefts. They plan on checking out their barn later tonight to just to verify Marius’ story.
AUTOLOCUS
Well, in my experience, you have to look
at who would gain the most from the thefts.
And, since the items being stolen are not
necessarily something the thief wants
to keep for himself, you have to look at
who is willing to buy the stolen chips.
Gabrielle looks around the room and shakes her head.
GABRIELLE
Well, just about anyone in this room
would fit the bill on that.
Winter is just around the corner and
they’re all going to need the chips for heating.
XENA
Talia, you’ve been here longer than we have.
Who do you think would be the buyer?
TALIA
Gabrielle’s right.
Just about everyone in this room…
or in this town for that matter, would be
willing to buy the chips to make sure they
have enough for the winter.
XENA
Okay, we’re looking at the obvious here.
Maybe we need to think outside of the coliseum.
What else can sheep dung be used for?
GABRIELLE, AUTOLOCUS, TALIA
Fertilizer!
XENA
Right! But, there’s not much farming
going on in these parts. What else?
GABRIELLE
I remember when we were in Indus,
the people there used dung mixed with
other substances to paint their bodies
for religious ceremonies.
TALIA
Ugh, bet that was an aromatic experience.
XENA
I remember that too, but if it’s used like that,
I don’t think the amount of dung needed would
equal what’s missing. What else?
AUTOLOCUS
Hey! I’ve heard that some folks throw chips.
Maybe they’re some kind of weapon?
GABRIELLE
Oh yeah…I can see it now.
Warriors slinging dung chips!
Puts a whole new meaning behind the people
from Chin who are always trying to ‘save face’…
AUTOLOCUS
Or the saying: Holy sh..
Xena shakes her head while the others break out in laughter.
XENA
C’mon! Let’s get serious here!
Gabrielle covers her face with her hands, peeking at Xena through the spaces of her extended fingers. When she recovers from the laughter she sits up and speaks seriously as she remembers something from the past.
GABRIELLE
Okay, I remember reading a scroll when
I was at the Academy about how the gods
made ambrosia from the foulest items on earth.
What could be fouler than animal excrement?
Maybe someone is trying to do that?
AUTOLOCUS
Make ambrosia?
Now, that would be worth something!
XENA
Yeah, it would. But the bigger question is
who around here would have the skills to do it?
(beat)
Arman, I think we can wait till tomorrow to
visit Darius. And, I want to check the last
place where the dung was stolen.
FADE OUT.
ACT THREE
FADE IN:
EXT. DAYTIME - OPEN FIELD
Lots of sheep can be heard off in the distance. Xena and Arman are investigating the area where the last pile of dung was reported stolen from.
ARMAN
Okay, this is the spot.
XENA
Are you sure? Everything
around here looks the same.
ARMAN
No, I’m sure. See that scrub over there?
That’s where I tied off my horse.
Xena nods, satisfied that they are really searching the right area.
XENA
Okay, now when did Cirrus notice
his dung pile was missing?
ARMAN
Yesterday. I came right out here
when he told me about it.
I must have been out here just about the
time you and Gabrielle showed up in town.
XENA
Uh huh. And has anyone else
been out here since?
ARMAN
No, I don’t think so.
I told Cirrus to keep the sheep away
from here until I had a chance to look
around better. It was late afternoon and the
light wasn’t good enough to see much.
Xena walks carefully around the site, meticulously examining each blade of grass and barren spot. She looks intensely at a foot print in the dirt then over at Arman’s booted feet.
XENA
Pick up your foot for me.
ARMAN
Huh?
XENA
Just pick up your foot.
Arman complies and Xena examines the boot print he left in the dirt and then continues searching. Arman remains standing with one foot in the air.
ARMAN
Xena?
Without looking at him, Xena waves for him to put his foot back down.
XENA
Okay, I’ve seen all I want.
Let’s go back to town.
CUT TO:
EXT. DUSTY ROAD - DAY
Xena and Arman are on horseback heading to town. On the road back to Odorem, they’re met by a VERY large man on horseback. He has the same facial features of Marius, but is larger and older. He stops his horse, blocking the roadway. Arman whispers to Xena as they approach.
ARMAN
That’s Darius.
He doesn’t look too happy.
XENA
Well, that’s just too bad then
because I’m not too happy either.
DARIUS
Marshall I’m holding you responsible
for the loss of my winter’s dung.
ARMAN
What do you mean?
I didn’t take your dung.
DARIUS
No, but someone did and it’s your fault.
You locked up Marius and he was
supposed to be guarding our dung!
Xena watches Darius intently, slipping Argo between Arman and Darius when she sees him reach for his dagger.
XENA
Nah, that wasn’t Arman.
That was me!
Xena slips her right foot out of the stirrup and kicks up at the hand holding the dagger causing it to pop out of the man’s hand. As it tumbles back down in the air, Xena reaches up and grabs it, pointing it at Darius.
XENA
(Cont’d)
Not nice to point one of these at your Marshall.
Either you want to spend some time with
your brother in jail or you’re pretty stupid!
Darius is enraged at the insult and leaps from his horse towards Xena. Argo dances backward and allows Darius to fall on his face in the dirt. Bobbing her head up and down, Argo snorts then turns her head back toward Xena who pets the horse’s neck.
XENA
(Cont’d)
Yeah, I thought so too Argo.
He’s not the brightest candle in the box.
Xena dismounts and reaches a hand down to help Darius up. Arman slips off his horse and helps.
XENA
(Cont’d)
Look Darius, your brother is
in jail because he caused a disturbance.
Do you want to join him or do you
want to find out who stole your dung?
Darius stands and dusts off his clothes, sneering at Xena.
DARIUS
I want my dung back!
XENA
Good boy!
Argo snorts and waggles her head again.
XENA
Yeah, maybe he is a little brighter, girl.
Okay, let’s go check it out.
FADE TO:
INT. EMPTY BARN – DAY
Xena is searching the area while Arman and Darius stand at the door watching her.
DARIUS
What’s she doing?
ARMAN
Searching for clues, what else?
XENA
When did you notice the dung was gone?
DARIUS
This morning. I came out to check on Marius
but when he wasn’t here and the
dung was gone, I rode into town.
ARMAN
Then you came out looking to blame me?
DARIUS
Yeah.
XENA
And no one else has been around
here that you know of?
DARIUS
No. No one.
Xena takes one more walk around the interior of the barn, then checks around the outside of the building. Arman and Darius follow her looking at each area she examined and see nothing. Xena rubs her chin and smiles.
XENA
Okay, I’ve seen enough. Let’s go.
ARMAN
I don’t get it Xena. What do you see?
XENA
Nothing.
ARMAN
Nothing?
XENA
Yep. Nothing.
FADE OUT.
ACT FOUR
FADE IN:
INT. INN - LATE AFTERNOON
Xena, Autolocus, Gabrielle and Arman are sitting at a table.
XENA
Okay, so that’s the plan.
The three heads nod in affirmation. Autolocus and Arman get up and head out. Xena and Gabrielle are left at the table. Gabrielle notices Xena is lost in thought. She reaches across the table and takes Xena’s hand.
GABRIELLE
Xena?
XENA
Hmm?
GABRIELLE
Where’d you go?
You’re off somewhere.
XENA
Hmm, just thinking there’s more to
this than meets the eye.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this.
GABRIELLE
What do you mean?
XENA
I can’t put my finger on it,
but something else is going on here.
Xena reaches up and gently strokes Gabrielle’s face.
XENA
(cont’d)
I’m going to go out and take a walk through town.
Make sure everything is okay.
GABRIELLE
Want me to go with you?
XENA
No. No, you stay here and keep an
eye on things. I’ll be back in a little bit.
Xena gets up and gives Gabrielle a reassuring kiss, smiling as their lips part. As she walks out of the Inn, Gabrielle watches her, anxiety written on her face.
FADE TO:
INT. INN’S BARN - NIGHT
It’s dark outside and the barn’s interior is illuminated by the light of one lone candle lantern.
Xena walks over to Argo’s stall, opens the gate and steps in closing the gate behind her. She reaches in the saddlebag and pulls out Argo’s brush. Xena begins brushing Argo. Argo flicks her head and whinnies softly.
XENA
Hey, girl. You feel it too, don’t ya?
Argo whinnies again and nods her head up and down. Suddenly Xena stiffens and turns toward the open area of the barn.
XENA
(Cont’d)
Ares…
A shimmering light forms into the god of war.
ARES
You know Xena, one of these days I’m going to
sneak up on you and you won’t know it!
XENA
In your dreams.
Ares walks over to the stall and rests his arms over the gate, grinning at Xena. Xena raises an eyebrow in question.
XENA
(Cont’d)
So, what are you up to this time, Ares?
What would the god of war need sheep dung for?
ARES
Xena! I’m hurt!
You think I’ve been stealing sheep dung? Me?
He laughs out loud as he enters the stall.
XENA
Well, there wasn’t a single trace left
at any of the theft sites.
So you tell me who can come in,
take what they want, and leave no trace?
ARES
Now, maybe I’d do that to steal…
He reaches out and kisses Xena, only to have her bite his lip in response.
ARES
(Cont’d)
Owww! Hey!
Okay, okay…but why sheep dung?
What in the name of Zeus would I need sheep dung for?
XENA
Maybe you need a source of ambrosia
no one else knows about?
So you could build an alliance of
lesser gods to do your dirty work?
He reaches up and carefully caresses Xena’s face with his hands. Xena allows the gesture long enough to pin him with a feral smile, he then pulls away sharply.
ARES
You don’t really believe that story that you can
make ambrosia out of foul ingredients do you?
Xena just continues to stare at him, arms now folded across her chest.
ARES
(Cont’d)
Now, now, Xena.
Things aren’t always what they appear.
You just may be in for a little surprise…
and you may even like it.
XENA
Not if it’s one of your surprises.
Ares winks and blows her a kiss, then shimmers out of sight. Xena inhales deeply, turns back to Argo and continues to groom her.
XENA
(Cont’d)
Well, girl it looks like my hunch was right.
Ares is mixed up in this and I don’t
think I’m going to like his little surprise.
Argo snorts and bounces her head in agreement.
CUT TO:
INT. AMARICE’S ROOM - MID-MORNING.
Talia is pacing the floor. Finally, a knock on the door and it opens with Xena entering, Gabrielle following her in.
XENA
Water broke?
TALIA
Yes, about a candlemark ago.
Xena walks over to the bed and smiles at Amarice and turns her on her side.
XENA
Okay Amarice.
I’m going to take off the pinch now.
You’re going to have to go through
this the old fashioned way.
She jabs the spots on her back that blocked the pain and as soon as she does, Amarice groans loudly.
AMARICE
Arrgggh. By the gods, Xena!
Why can’t men go through this instead of women?
XENA
If they did, civilization would die out,
because no babies would ever be born.
AMARICE
Where’s Arman?
He needs to be here for this!
GABRIELLE
He’s out with Autolocus, setting a trap
for tonight. Don’t worry he’ll be back in time.
Talia reaches down and feels the baby moving.
TALIA
That’s right Amarice.
There’s plenty of time before that
little fellow…um, girl comes out.
AMARICE
But…it’s just mid-morning…
he won’t be here until tonight?
XENA
Yeah, that’s right.
You’ve got a long ways to go yet.
Another contraction hits and Amarice grabs the blanket in her fists and stifles a moan. She looks up at Xena.
AMARICE
This’ll last all day?
Can’t you keep the pinch on a little longer?
Xena smiles and nods at her in sympathy. Gabrielle pats Amarice on the arm and Talia places a hand on her stomach, keeping track of the contractions.
XENA
Sorry, Amarice.
Talia needs to keep track of the contractions
and the baby has to do things on its own.
You’re a strong Amazon…you’ll do fine.
Amarice smiles and grimaces another wave of pain rolls through her.
FADE TO:
INT. INN - VERY LATE AFTERNOON.
Another scream reaches the patrons in the inn, sending the few remaining men out the door. Xena and Gabrielle are sitting at a table in the back of the room. Gabrielle is dressed in her normal clothes.
GABRIELLE
Did the rest of the herders agree to pool
what’s left of their dung?
XENA
Yes, but it wasn’t easy to convince them.
The last load should be coming in just about now.
GABRIELLE
Do you think it will be enough to get the
thief to try to steal it from the town barn?
XENA
Ares is arrogant enough.
I’m sure he’ll come for it.
GABRIELLE
You’re sure it’s Ares?
XENA
It has to be. What other god
would want or need ambrosia?
GABRIELLE
Athena?
XENA
Nah. She wouldn’t stoop that low.
An ear piercing scream resonates through the building.
GABRIELLE
Think I’ll go up and see if Talia needs help.
XENA
Sure you want to take a chance going up there?
GABRIELLE
C’mon Xena, how bad can it be?
XENA
Okay, just remember I warned ya.
CUT TO:
INT. TOWN BARN LOFT - NIGHT
Gabrielle is rubbing her neck.
GABRIELLE
Oww, oww, oww.
XENA
I told you not to go up there.
GABRIELLE
Hey, I was only trying to give her some water
when all of a sudden…wham!...I’m in a neck lock!
XENA
Will you listen to me next time?
Sighing, Gabrielle agrees. Xena looks across the loft to where Autolocus and Arman are waiting.
GABRIELLE
Are you sure this netting will work?
XENA
Uh huh. Autolocus really earned his
title as the King of Thieves today.
Getting that netting out of Hephaestus’
workshop without getting caught was a work of art.
GABRIELLE
Are you sure it will bind Ares power?
XENA
No, but it’s the best shot we have.
Xena quickly holds up a hand in warning and the foursome hold their respective breaths as they see a shimmering body begin to materialize on the floor below. One finger went up, followed by a second, and then on the third, followed by each of them releasing their portion of the netting. It drifts downward capturing the god below. Xena flips from the loft to be the first one facing the god.
XENA
(Cont’d)
Aphrodite?
APHRODITE
Hey, babe.
What’s with the net?
She tries to get out of it, but Hephaestus’ net holds her powerless. Gabrielle is next to arrive and is shocked at the catch.
GABRIELLE
Aphrodite, what are you doing here?
APHRODITE
Hi, cutie. You want to have your
warrior babe let me out of this?
Gabrielle puts her hands on her hips and steps up closer to the captive god.
GABRIELLE
Not so fast, Aphrodite.
You need to answer a few questions here first.
APHRODITE
Okay, but you need to hurry.
I have to get this last load up to Olympus
or the whole batch will go bad.
XENA
The whole batch?
So, I was right and Ares is making ambrosia.
APHRODITE
Ares? Ambrosia?
No, silly…we’re making a totally new potion…
it’s going to be divine!
XENA
Potion?
What kind of potion and just who’s making it?
Aphrodite frowns and pokes a finger out at Xena.
APHRODITE
Ya know, Xena if this delay ruins it,
I’m really going to be upset!
Xena rolls her eyes and folds her arms across her chest
XENA
Well, then I guess you better just tell
us what you’re doing and with who.
Aphrodite shakes her head and sighs.
APHRODITE
Okay, okay…
Well, me and Demeter and Peitho
are making a new potion to help women attract men.
GABRIELLE
And you need sheep dung for that?
Autolocus and Arman now join Gabrielle and Xena to hear this explanation.
AUTOLOCUS
Hey, all you have to do is endow them a little better…
Gabrielle slaps Autolocus in the stomach and he groans.
XENA
Go on…
APHRODITE
Rather than explain, I’ll show you. Here.
She reaches between her breasts and pulls out a small vial and sticks it out of the netting. Gabrielle takes the vial and carefully removes the stopper and puts it near her lips.
APHRODITE
(Cont’d)
NO! You don’t drink it babe…you wear it!
Xena and Gabrielle lift one eyebrow at her and then cautiously both sniff the potion, quickly turning away to get a breath of fresh air.
XENA and GABRIELLE
Whoa!
APHRODITE
Hey…we’ve worked hard on this!
AUTOLOCUS
Let me smell.
He takes the vial from Gabrielle and takes a whiff.
AUTOLOCUS
(cont’d)
Hmm, not bad.
You may be on to something here.
He hands it to Arman who smells it and bobs his head agreeing, and then hands it back to Aphrodite.
XENA
So, let me get this straight.
You need sheep dung for this…potion?
APHRODITE
Well, yeah…we’ve tried other stuff, pig patties,
bat guano, even those little tiny rabbit droppings,
but the sheep dung had the best results.
You see you mix in a little…
GABRIELLE
Aphrodite, there’s just one little problem
with you using this town’s sheep dung.
She pauses while she gets Aphrodite’s attention.
GABRIELLE
(cont’d)
You see, these people rely on that sheep dung
to keep them warm in the coming winter.
They need it to heat their homes and cook their meals…
and you’ve just about stolen all of it, except for this last pile.
APHRODITE
Oh, ewww. They burn it? Doesn’t it stink?
GABRIELLE
Well, yes, it does. But it’s all they have
to get them through the winter.
Aphrodite lowers her head and frowns…then abruptly raises it and smiles.
APHRODITE
I didn’t realize they need the stuff…but I can fix it for them!
FADE OUT.
EPILOGUE
FADE IN:
INT. AMARICE’S ROOM - EVENING
A red glow is casting a warm hue on the entire room.
There’s a knock on the door.
AMARICE and ARMAN
C’mon in.
Xena and Gabrielle enter the room.
GABRIELLE
Hey, how’re you feeling?
AMARICE
Great. Did you see her?
XENA
Yeah, Talia just showed her to us.
She’s beautiful, Amarice.
GABRIELLE
What are you going to name her?
ARMAN
Well, we thought about naming her Xena,
but one in the world is enough.
They all laugh while Xena blushes.
AMARICE
And…we thought about Gabrielle too,
but that wouldn’t be fair to Xena.
So, we decided to name her Terris.
Gabrielle smiles and leans into Xena. Xena places her arm around Gabrielle and gives her a squeeze. Talia enters the room with Terris bundled in a blanket and hands her to Amarice.
TALIA
Wow, it sure is toasty in here.
How did Aphrodite manage to get Hephaestus
to make these for the whole town?
She points to the fireplace where a large metal and glass bowl glows with a bubbling red substance.
GABRIELLE
Well, you know Aphrodite…she has her ways.
TALIA
What did you say she called these things?
GABRIELLE
Lava lamps.
They look at the bubbling metal and glass bowls once more, shrug their shoulders and exit the room.
FADE OUT.
THE END