The Regina Mohnolog Hour

A TV studio - the stage is set with several over-stuffed, brown paisley chairs; two small end-tables, one on either end of the chairs; one chair is set apart from the others, it is a gold paisley chair, complete with a crown carved into the woodwork at the top, and a small spotlight on the floor about two feet from the chair, its light trained on the chair. Chaser lights race brazenly around the foot of the stage. The backdrop is a huge glamour-shot of a woman, perfectly coiffed, and flashing her patented smile, the one rumored to be insured for upwards of a cool mil. Hanging like a storm cloud above the set in a sparkling facsimile of a woman’s effusive signature is the name, "Regina".

The star of the show enters, wearing a dusky pink power suit, her platinum blonde hair perfect and practically quakeproof, and her makeup tastefully heavy. She is adjusting the small microphone disguised as a tackily beautiful glittering butterfly pin. A diamond cocktail ring weighs heavily on the ring finger of her right hand. Her pinkies arch dramatically in an affected manner.

"Does no one know how to make me look better? A difficult task, I know, making me look better than I already do, but can I have makeup out here, please?" our star calls brightly, her long, false eyelashes batting artfully.

The lovely hostess seats herself on her throne, her long, black- nylon-encased legs crossing strategically, revealing a good bit of fleshy thigh. She waits, an air of expectancy so obvious that it’s almost visible. "I'm wai-ting. Time is money, people. Chop, chop!"

The star's personal effects coordinator hustles to the throne, whips out a blush brush from his pocket and flits it around her face, never once touching the unblemished skin of her cheeks.

"We’re on in one!" a voice calls from offstage.

"Shoo, you," the seated woman commands, waving her hand regally, her surgically perfect nose slightly in the air.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaand, ACTION!" the same voice yells.

The hostess turns her trillion-watt smile to camera one, the audience members cued to applaud and whistle loudly as the intro music plays.

"Good evening, Friends, and welcome to the Regina Mohnolog Hour, the show that dishes all the best dirt," Regina begins, her smile conspiratorial and cunning, a devilish air about her. "On tonight’s show, we have an exclusive Regina interview with the two brightest stars of the year… well, excluding me, of course. They’ll tell us all their most intimate secrets, and we’ll ask for more. Now, without further ado, Xena and Gabrielle, New Zealand’s hottest new couple!"

Our hostess doesn’t bother standing up, but when the audience begins to cheer and clap wildly as the tall, dark warrior and small, blonde bard enter, she shoots a withering look at them, their response to the two women immediately dampened.

Turning back to her guests, a smile pasted on her face, she greets them with a beauty queen wave, the flash from her huge ring momentarily blinding the cameraman. "Xena, Gabrielle, it is such a pleasure," Regina coos, turning her cheek to both women for the perfunctory air-kiss she knows they'll bestow on her. "Please, sit down." But when the bard begins to sit in the seat next to Regina's throne, she instructs the blonde, "No, hon. Sit over there. You're in my light." As the blonde sits in the correct chair, our hostess chirps, "Good girl!"

The dark warrior seats herself gracefully in a chair next to her partner. "Good girl, hon," she smirks quietly to Gabrielle, patting her leg condescendingly.

"Thank you for having us on your show, Regina," Gabrielle greets.

The bottle-blonde shakes her head. "The "I" is long… Regina," she corrects. "It's the Canadian pronunciation," she finishes with an aristocratic sniff. "Let's not forget again, hmm?"

Then, with a perky clap of her hands, the interview begins.

"So, Gab-ri-elle," our hostess enunciates clearly, "tell us, how does it feel to be one of the world's most famous personalities?" In an aside to the audience, Regina whispers, "As if I didn't know." She smirks. "Am I right?"


Regina leans closer, eagerly waiting the first morsel of juicy information. Prompting after a beat, "Hmm? Don’t be shy now…"

"Well, Regina," Gabrielle begins, stressing the star's name, "it's certainly been a sho-"

"My thoughts exactly," Regina interrupts. "I find myself wondering how a wide-eyed little gal like me ever made it to the top, but then of course I understand, what with my wit and charm. Yet, there are times when I long to be one of the little people again. But then I ask myself, 'Regina, how could you ever bring yourself to deprive your fans like that? You know those poor, ordinary people look to you to make their miserable existences worthwhile.'"

The bard looks stricken, not quite sure how to proceed. Xena tries to cover a snort of laughter when, thankfully, Gabrielle is saved from making a grave mistake by Regina's next salvo.

"Xena," focusing now on the tall, dark warrior, "one word. Najara." There is a pregnant pause. "Speak."

Xena bristles and Gabrielle preempts an eruption by placing a calming hand on the warrior's heavily muscled thigh. Xena fairly growls as she sits back and releases a long breath.

Regina, lost in her own world, takes her silence as an answer. "Yes," she utters profoundly, "we understand, don't we, Friends?"

"So, Gab… you and she had a thing, hmm?" There is an audible gasp from the blonde. "What was it," Regina continues, "that you saw when you gazed longingly into her psychoses? Or did you ever even bother looking that high?"

Xena turns to her partner, interested in the answer, as well.

In pronounced tones, the bard begins, "It wasn't so much tha-"

"It wasn't so much that you were attracted to her, was it? It was more that she was attracted to you, isn't that right?" Without waiting for an answer, Regina continues. "It's because of her attraction to you that you followed her, right? Hmm?" Again without waiting for an answer, our hostess answers for Gabrielle. With a heavy sigh, Regina replies to her own question. "I know just what you were feeling, dear. That very same thing has happened to me a million times. Why, not a day goes by that I don't have at least a dozen marriage offers." She leans over to pat Gabrielle's hand as she nods. "I know, I know," she whispers, eyes closed and an emotional catch in her voice. "I feel your anguish."

The dark warrior attempts to interrupt. "Regina, if I migh-"

Holding up one finger at the warrior while still looking at bard, the star admonishes the tall woman. "Ch, ch, ch. My show, my time, hon. Now, Gabrielle… did you honestly believe Najara's "Let's go see the geese" line?"

"I didn't fa-"

A sarcastic "HA!" escapes Xena's ruby red lips, rebutted by a chilling glare from her sidekick.

Regina laughs haughtily, again interrupting the other woman. "Please! That's the oldest line in the book and you fell for it? You poor, poor girl. Let me tell you what I think about Najara's line. I think she couldn't help herself when she met you. Of course, had she met me first, you would never have had that problem. But, sadly, I wasn't around."

Looking up at the monitor in which she's the prime focus, Regina smiles and looks back at the camera, satisfied that the lens is on the star.

"Gabrielle, how could you bring yourself to just up and leave Xena like that?" the hostess grills.

Xena looks vindicated, so Regina rounds on her. "And why did you just let her go? Hmm?"

The warrior's stunning ice blue eyes narrow slightly. "I coul-"

"You couldn't stop her, could you?" Regina supplies. "I know what you mean, lambchop. Whenever I've tried to stop myself from doing something I really wanted to do, it has been simply impossible. With a determination as strong as mine, even I can’t stop myself."

"No, that's not wha-"

"Ch! You'll have your turn, hon. Now, let me tell you what happened." Regina leans back on the throne, her perfectly manicured fingernails steepled under her chin. "You and Gabrielle are going along smoothly, fighting the good fight, living the life, spending time together, and you're the hero in Gabrielle's life. Right? But then along comes this woman who's almost as adorable as me, who can fight, and who is absolutely irresistible. Believe me, I know irresistible. Many an admirer has hung that label on me. It's a heavy cross to bear, but… oh, terribly sorry.

"So this warrior steals your woman right from under your nose, leaving you without a warm body in bed, a soft hand to soothe your brow…" Regina looks closely at the brows in question. "One word… tweeze." The hostess continues, "Let me tell you how it made you feel. You were angry, weren't you? When she dumped you on your derriere and whisked Gabrielle away, you were furious. And you didn't know what to do. Had I been there, I could have told you what to do, but, unfortunately for you, once again I wasn't there. You were angry, weren't you?" Regina repeats, leaning forward in her chair, intent on her cross-examination.

Just as Xena opens her mouth, Regina looks again at the monitor. "Well, we have just enough time to take a question or two from the audience." She turns to the members of the audience, most of whom have raised a hand, wanting to ask the famous duo a question.

"Yes, you in the red silk blouse. Nice blouse, dear, for off the rack," Regina commented airily, waiting for the question.

"Thank you, Regina. My question is for Gabrielle. Did you really love Perd-"

"Oh, wonderful question. Thank you, you may sit down." The star turns to the blonde, posing the question. "Did Perdicus really love you? The poor dead… I mean, dear boy… But do you think he truly loved you?"

"I don't thin- " Gabrielle began.

"We know, dear, that's your problem," Regina finishes for the blonde. "But what was his problem? A soldier in his prime lays down his sword and walks away from battle. He couldn't keep it up, could he, lovebird? You were his trophy bride, so it would look like he was still… upstanding. Go ahead. You can tell us… let it out… you're among friends here."

Xena crosses her legs, folds her hands over her knee, and looks away, vastly amused. She begins to softly whistle the "Xena" theme song.

Smiling her brilliant smile into the audience, Regina doesn't wait for an answer, but accepts one more question. "Time for one more. Yes, you in the tacky brown sweater. Brown is definitely not your color, hon. Try a cool color, hmm? Now, what question do you have?"

"Thanks, Regina," the audience member gushed. "My question is for Xena… how do you handle the fam-"

"Another wonderful question. How do you handle the fame? Although, the question is probably better posed to Gabrielle." The huge brown eyes turn to the blonde. "Gabrielle, dear, how does one of peasant stock, such as yourself, handle such fame?"

Xena snickers, shifting in her chair to turn more fully to Gabrielle.

"It's not lik-" Gabrielle defends herself.

"Might I give my opinion?" Regina interrupted. Not waiting for permission, the hostess gave her opinion. "I think it's not easy for you, is it, hon? Someone like you who comes from such lowly beginnings can’t possibly be prepared to handle the fame. I, on the other hand, am able to handle the fame and glory that comes with being a mega-star. I can do things that you are not capable of, which makes it a very good thing that I am the star and you are… well, whoever you are. Am I right?"

Regina turned to the main camera and smiled widely. "Well, Friends, that does it for the Regina Mohnolog Hour. I'm quite certain that this was the very best hour of your day… your week, even."

There is much applause as the warrior and bard stand up. Regina looks up at them. "I know you were thrilled to be here, girls, as well you should," Regina simpers. "You come back anytime, you hear?" she calls to their retreating backs.

Not bothering to watch as the two women leave the stage, Regina turns back to her fans. "On tomorrow's show, we'll have Tom and Nicole, and we'll find out the real reason behind their separation. Until then, remember, Regina reigns supreme. Buh-bye now!"

Fade to black…


Back to Contest Page

Back to Academy Page