FATAL RETRACTION
FADE IN:
INT. TEMPLE; DAY
GABRIELLE storms into the temple of the Fates. No one seems to be home. She glares at the loom (a reproduction) and takes a flaming torch down from the wall.
GABRIELLE
Get out here! Don't make me destroy the universe again!
The Fates materialize, each one holding a piece of glowing thread. Unexpectedly, they're all wearing kimonos.
GABRIELLE
You're kidding! You're Greek.
CHILD
Greco-Roman.
GABRIELLE
Well, you still look stupid. Is this supposed to be some kind of joke? Because if it is, it's in the worst possible taste. The last time I saw getups like that, Xena... (Falters) Xena...
MOTHER
We know why you come to us. You seek Xena.
CRONE
Yet Xena is dead.
GABRIELLE
I know that. That cutting-off-the-head thing is almost always fatal.
CHILD
You want us to restore her life.
GABRIELLE
Yes.
MOTHER
Perhaps we can.
GABRIELLE
Of course you can.
CRONE
Yet perhaps we can't.
GABRIELLE
(muttering)
Now I understand why Xena killed most of the gods. (Aloud) Perhaps you'd try, just to humor me.
CHILD
It would alter fate.
MOTHER
It would have a price.
CRONE
Yet you carry no cash. No credit, either.
GABRIELLE
No problem; I've got this. (Shows them the torch) Now, either you bring her back, or I burn your stupid loom again. Your stupid kimonos, too. I know for a fact that those things are really flammable.
CHILD
Inflammable.
MOTHER
Flammable.
CRONE
Yet they mean the same thing.
GABRIELLE
(exasperated)
Bring her back NOW!
The Fates tie the broken threads together; the usual storm effects happen. A shadowy figure begins to emerge from the mist.
GABRIELLE
Xena?
XENA
Gabrielle?
GABRIELLE
Xena?
XENA
Gabrielle?
GABRIELLE
Xena?
XENA steps into the clear, visibly unamused.
XENA
Stop that, Gabrielle.
GABRIELLE
Xena!
With a joyful cry, GABRIELLE drops the torch and leaps into XENA's arms.
GABRIELLE
Gods, I've missed you!
XENA
Yeah, OK, whatever.
GABRIELLE
I'm really sorry about the ashes. Nobody told me not to open that jar on a moving boat.
XENA shrugs. GABRIELLE peers at her suspiciously.
GABRIELLE
But that's probably your fault. You said I knew everything you knew.
XENA
So I didn't know one little thing. Cut me some slack--I'd never been in a jar before.
GABRIELLE, perplexed by XENA's behavior, turns to the Fates.
GABRIELLE
Who is this? Evil Xena?
CHILD
She was all we could get on short notice.
MOTHER
And she didn't want to come back.
CRONE
She was with Akemi.
XENA
Hey! That's none of her beeswax, granny!
GABRIELLE is no longer perplexed. She raises the torch to have a much better look at XENA.
GABRIELLE
Is that true?
XENA
(sullen)
Sometimes. Sometimes not. Sometimes I'm with Lao Ma instead. Or Antony. (Furrows her brow in thought) Or Marcus, M'Lila, Borias... (Starts counting on her fingers) ...Ulysses, that shepherd with all the kids...
GABRIELLE menaces XENA with the chakram.
GABRIELLE
Stop right there.
XENA
...that slave girl who tried to kill me...
GABRIELLE
I'm warning you, Xena.
XENA
...Monica Lewinsky...*
GABRIELLE
AIYEEEEE!
GABRIELLE launches herself into a flip and kicks XENA halfway across the temple. XENA resents this and returns the favor. Unimaginable violence ensues.
CHILD
Love is complicated.
MOTHER
Love is worth dying for.
The chakram ricochets off the wall very close to where the Fates are standing.
CRONE
Yet it has sharp edges.
XENA and GABRIELLE
(to the CRONE)
Shut up!
The Fates retreat to the shadows as XENA and GABRIELLE battle on.
GABRIELLE
I can't believe your bad taste. Getting yourself killed just so you could patch it up with that...Akemi. What kind of name is "Akemi," anyway? It sounds like Japa Barbie's kid sister. Does she come with a little pink scooter? Is she anatomically correct?
XENA
You're losing it, Gabrielle. Barbie won't even be invented for a couple thousand years.
GABRIELLE
And I suppose you'll say you invented her, like you invented triage, scuba, the kite, nuclear weapons...
XENA
You're just jealous.
GABRIELLE
You bet your afterlife I am. You said our souls were destined to be together. You said we could be buried together. But the first time I turn my back, you go off and die without me. And for what? Some extinct little hussy with chopsticks in her hair!
XENA
It's not that simple. I had to redeem the souls of the people I killed.
GABRIELLE calls a timeout.
GABRIELLE
You killed? Xena, that fire was an accident.
XENA
I lit up people on purpose for throwing rocks at me.
GABRIELLE
Well, they were probably fashion critics. You looked godsawful. Who did your hair and makeup--a marmoset?
XENA
It doesn't matter. It was all my fault. (Moping) It's always my fault.
GABRIELLE
I hate when you go on these guilt trips. For one thing, you never pack enough clean underwear.
XENA
You don't have to get hostile.
GABRIELLE
I haven't even started yet.
XENA
You're getting a smart mouth on you, bard.
GABRIELLE
Yeah? Well, you're getting soft. It sounds like you never get out of bed anymore.
Combat resumes.
CHILD
They're not talking like people who love each other. We should stop them now.
Zoom out. The Fates are sitting on bleachers, eating popcorn.
MOTHER
A few more minutes.
CRONE
Pass the weenies.
Back at the battle...
GABRIELLE
I can't believe you were so selfish. You were always lecturing me about the greater good, but you never thought about my good. It was always all about you, wasn't it?
XENA
It was called "Xena: Warrior Princess," Gabrielle.
GABRIELLE
It should've been called "Xena: Warrior Piglet." You didn't die for a cause--you died for you. For your redemption. For your bad conscience. Did it ever occur to you even to wonder what that would do to me?
XENA
You're a big girl now. I gave you a graduation test before I checked out. You passed. What was I supposed to do--hang out with you for the rest of my life? Ride off into the sunset together?
GABRIELLE
Yes!
XENA
I said I'd be in your heart.
GABRIELLE
You were in a jar.
XENA
A technicality.
GABRIELLE
Maybe I should just kill you again. You don't talk so much when you're dead.
The Fates quickly finish their picnic and take up positions again.
CHILD
We must end this.
MOTHER
Before they destroy the rest of the furniture.
CRONE
I'll reason with the little one.
CHILD
(whining)
No fair!
MOTHER
Hush. The little one is just as dangerous.
CRONE
More dangerous.
XENA overhears this and calls another timeout.
XENA
Nuts! I'm the one with the dark side.
GABRIELLE
Oh, you and your dark side. Why don't you just invent Prozac and get it over with?
XENA
Yeah? Well, you're not perfect either, buttercup. What about you and that spawn of hell of yours? Huh?
GABRIELLE
So what? My daughter can beat up your daughter.
XENA
Can not.
GABRIELLE
Can too.
XENA
Can not!
GABRIELLE
Can too! And so can I. Don't forget who clocked her with that Eli fish.
XENA
Jesus fish.
GABRIELLE
Infidel!
XENA
Quit preaching and fight!
The Fates finally intervene. The CRONE grabs GABRIELLE by the ear and pulls her to one side; the CHILD and the MOTHER grab XENA by the breastplate and pull her to the other side.
XENA
Careful, damn you! Those are spoken for. (Suddenly realizes what she's said) Um, by Ares?
CHILD
You fool no one but yourself, Xena.
MOTHER
Everyone knows the true nature of your relationship with Gabrielle.
CRONE
Everyone knows you and Gabrielle are euphemisms.
GABRIELLE
Euphemisms? Xena, what do they mean?
XENA
How should I know? I don't do grammar. I said "me and Eve" in one episode.
CHILD
You belong together.
MOTHER
In life and in death.
CRONE
Now you must choose a side to be on together.
GABRIELLE
Life.
XENA
Death.
GABRIELLE
Life! Don't make me hurt you.
XENA
You and what Persian army?
GABRIELLE
AIYEEEEE!!!
They go at it again in earnest.
CHILD
They've both gone too far down the path of violence. We have no choice.
MOTHER
We have to take it all back and start over.
CRONE
Let's come back as the Furies next time. They get to be sluts.
The CRONE picks up the torch that GABRIELLE dropped and hurls it into the loom. Everything explodes...
EXT. FOREST; DAY
...and the scene shifts to a forest somewhere near Auckland. As GABRIELLE walks down a path, she hears hoofbeats and turns to see XENA riding up on ARGO.
XENA
Gabrielle?
GABRIELLE
Xena?
XENA
Gabrielle?
GABRIELLE
Xena?
XENA
Don't start that again.
GABRIELLE
OK, I won't. Are we dead?
XENA
No. Does it matter?
GABRIELLE
Not as long as we're together. Do you love me?
XENA
Always.
GABRIELLE
Only me?
XENA
Yup.
GABRIELLE
And you won't ever leave me, not even in death?
XENA
Not unless you start listening to Celine Dion.
GABRIELLE
Back atcha, then. Give me a lift.
XENA pulls GABRIELLE up behind her.
XENA
Where to now?
GABRIELLE
Anywhere but Asia. That place is really bad luck. (Frowns) Why did I say that?
XENA
I don't know. Have we ever been there? I can't remember.
GABRIELLE
Neither can I.
XENA
Good. Let's go find ourselves a sunset, my little euphemism.
She spurs Argo, and they ride off. Nobody dies or wears a kimono again, not even in the movie.
THE END
* No offense to Ms. Lewinsky, who once told a reporter she had a crush on Xena.