Planning to Plan
By Geonn Cannon
Jane blamed it on hormones. Blasted and uncontrollable hormones brought on by holding the baby and taking care of it for so long. She'd had a few dreams back when Maura volunteered at the maternity ward, but this time whenever she fell asleep it was like an official miniseries unspooling in her head. She was bombarded by visions of birthdays and Christmases, Easter parties where a little girl who looked like Maura smeared chocolate over her face but not her dress because it's a Vera Wang or Marc Jacobs or one of those other names that made Maura hyperventilate at sales.
Tonight's dream was crouching in front of the television and fighting with a DVD so they could watch some frilly princess nightmare. But - and this was odd - in the nightmare she was fine with it. She was happy to waste an evening watching some saccharine sweet cartoon they had already seen ten thousand times because it would make the little girl on the couch happy.
She considered the dream while she listened to the shower running. Maura was singing Pink's 'Bad Influence' off-key, which Jane found oddly soothing. It settled her mind enough to realize there were reasons against having a kid. Kids weren't all happy Christmas card enchantment. Kids were missing work to take them to the doctor, dealing with other little brats in the park and at school, constantly worrying about if they were safe, letting them crawl into bed when there was a thunderstorm, financial worry, saving for college...
Her train of thought was broken when Maura came out of the bathroom in a robe, still pre-makeup and only half awake. "Do we have any of those blueberry muffins left?"
"Yeah, I think so." Jane propped her shoulders against the pillows. "Wait. C'mere for a second."
Maura changed direction and sat on the edge of the bed. "Morning." Maura kissed the corner of Jane's mouth and the tip of her nose. Jane stroked Maura's hair, which was still wet from the shower. "Do you want to talk about your dream?"
Jane was taken off-guard. "How'd you know I even had a dream?"
"You were talking in your sleep." She smiled. "Whatever it was, you sounded happy."
"Yeah." She thought about lying, but Maura would be able to tell. Her nostrils would flare or her eyes would dilate or something else minute would give her away. "Ever since the whole thing with Tommy and Lydia, I've been thinking about having a baby."
Maura's eyes widened.
"Not seriously, like how it would happen or what steps we would have to take. Nothing like that. Just thinking it would be nice to have one of those around."
"Jane... you're the one who said you wouldn't want to take care of a baby full-time."
"Right. Not that baby. But one of my own, or yours...? I could make that a full-time job. Have you ever thought about that?"
Maura nodded. "Of course." She touched Jane's leg through the blanket. "Even more since you and I started seeing each other."
Jane scoffed. "You think I'd be a good mom?"
"You have a great role model."
Jane aimed a finger at Maura's face. "If you even hint at saying I'm anything like her, I... I..." She grimaced and make choking motions. "I keel yooou!"
Maura laughed and took Jane's hands in hers, dropping them down to her lap. "You are like her, you know. Strong, opinionated, trustworthy, dedicated to your loved ones. If I had a child with anyone, I would want it to be someone like you. With your values. You took the best parts of your mother and you learned from the not-so-good parts. And I know you would be better at the discipline than I would be. We could be an amazing pair."
Jane pulled Maura to her, and Maura twisted to rest her back against Jane's front. "I could teach her hour to play baseball... you could teach her how to spot a knock-off in two seconds flat."
"What if it was a boy?"
"Then we wouldn't have time to teach him anything because we'd be too busy keeping him away from Tommy and Frankie. And Frost. And Korsak. God. We have to have a girl. I can only imagine what my brothers would do to a boy. Talk about a bad influence."
Maura laughed and stroked Jane's arm. "I don't know. They didn't do a bad job with you."
Jane kissed the top of Maura's head and tried to imagine it. Mama Rizzoli. Angela as Grandma... oh, God, it was the role she'd been preparing for from the moment she accepted Jane was sexually active. She closed her eyes and pictured herself at the zoo in a Boston Pilgrims cap, the kid hanging from one of those papooses on her chest like she was some kind of kangaroo. In the image she had a backpack on and she knew it was full of wipes and toys and juice boxes. It was a hot day and she was sweating, her back hurt, her feet hurt, her legs would hurt if she could still feel them.
And she was smiling.
"Not any time soon." She stroked Maura's hair. "But someday. As long as it's with you."
"Yes. As long as it's with you."
She looked down at Maura. "And even though we're agreed, I cannot stress enough--"
"Not a word to your mother until we're much further down the road."
Jane chuckled and relaxed. "Glad we're on the same page."
Jane smiled. It wasn't like they had made a plan, but the simple act of planning to plan was enough to make her feel accomplished. For now, she hoped it would be enough to quiet her subconscious so she could get some sleep.