PLEASE NOTE: This script has been formatted for optimum viewing at a screen setting of 800x600.



By Bat Morda

2001 Aug 21

(First performed by Alex Tydings & Claire Stansfield at the Cherry Hill Convention XXX Cabaret Revue, August 25, 2001.)

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Xena & Gabrielle (thank god) because Friend In Need SUCKED but MCA/UNIVERSAL is still stuck with them so there you go. If you loved FIN and think Rob Tapert is some sort of visionary- then go get yourself some help instead of reading this skit. This is my ending to the plot contrived, lazily written, sloppy ender of what was once a really cool show.

For Alex & Claire cuz I dig 'em.


Gabrielle holds a pot of ashes lovingly, preparing to scatter it's contents into the mystical waters of the Fountain of Strength. As she opens the container, another pair of hands joins hers, putting the lid back on the pot, gently pushing her away from the fountain's water.

XENA No Gabrielle. GABRIELLE Xena? XENA No. GABRIELLE Xena, the sun is setting. I have to bring you back to life. XENA Not if it means condemning the souls of the 40,000 who burned at Higuchi. GABRIELLE The souls are free. I saw them float away. XENA They're free from Yodoshi's grasp. For those souls to be released into a state of grace, they must be avenged. I must stay dead. GABRIELLE Says who? XENA Akemi didn't want to tell me in case I didn't want to come back to help. GABRIELLE Xena, Akemi has done nothing but manipulate you from the moment you laid eyes on her. It's bad enough that until now I hadn't heard of this 'oh so special' friend of yours. But it isn't right for you to be condemned for eternity for the lives lost in an accidental fire started by townspeople attacking you. Xena, I can bring you back-- XENA And those souls will be lost forever! GABRIELLE Xena, that is not right. It's the most stupid plot contrivance I've ever heard of and I don't care. You're all that matters to me. XENA Don't you know how much I want to let you do this for me? But if there is a reason for our travels together it's because I had to learn from you enough to know the final, the good, the right thing to do. I can't come back again. GABRIELLE Xena you're wrong. Our life together has been about love- regardless of how people may see that love. Love is the strongest force on earth. Don't throw that away now on the half-baked schemes of some manipulative 12 year old. XENA But their redemption? My redemption? GABRIELLE Xena, your soul is clean. You stopped looking for redemption in One Against An Army and were even reborn in Fallen Angel. How could you become an Arc Angel if you still had the souls of Higuchi staining your soul? GABRIELLE (CONT'D) Don't tell me that redemption didn't stick Xena. I will *not* have endured the fifth season for nothing. XENA But Akemi said-- GABRIELLE Xena, I don't want to hear it. You know I was a good sport about Helen of Troy, Flora, Bodecia, Glaphera, Anokin, Mi'lila and even Lao Ma. But this latest ex-soulmate is really chafing me. XENA (annoyed- looking at the sunset) I guess it won't matter soon GABRIELLE Not so fast Warrior Princess. I had to hurry to Mount Fuji-san and still had time to get this 20 hour tattoo. We are going to talk about this. XENA I hate processing. GABRIELLE You should have thought about that before donning that metal bikini and getting yourself killed. XENA Hey! Lay off the armor. I'm just happy to have gotten back in shape after giving birth to Eve. GABRIELLE (rolls eyes) And I'm sure every casting director in LA has seen that ripped midriff by now. Don't you think the tattered bathing suit on the boat over here was a bit much? XENA (shrugs) Did you know that freed souls look like jelly fish? GABRIELLE You see Xena, that's exactly what I'm talking about. XENA What? GABRIELLE How did our message get so lost? Our story is about two women who come from very different places and forge a friendship that can endure anything. It was a journey of my growing up and you're growing into a life separate from the violence and hatred you'd immersed yourself in. XENA But we wanted to go out with a bang! A bold choice that wouldn't leave anyone dissatisfied! GABRIELLE I didn't think that a tasteless mushroom cloud was the kind of bang we wanted to go out with. And since when is one of the lesbians dying a bold choice? That's so 1950s. XENA Who says we're lesbians? GABRIELLE The same people that have been cashing in on that demographic for the past six years. The same guy who would have us kiss on screen but doesn't have the balls to let us sail off into the sunset together. XENA But Gabrielle, it'll be just like I'm with you. You'll be able to see me and feel me-- GABRIELLE And everyone else will think I'm a raving lunatic with lethal combat skills. What kind of 'have it both ways' happy ending is that? XENA You're right Gabrielle. But what can we do? The sun has almost set. You can't bring me back now. GABRIELLE (smiling) It's okay Xena. I don't have to. XENA What are you saying? GABRIELLE It works out okay Xena. This isn't the end of our story. XENA But how can that be? Studios USA already took all of our costumes and props for auction. GABRIELLE Our stories were told out of order. XENA What? GABRIELLE When Fates Collide is the real end of our story. Only the same guy who wanted to break all the toys before leaving the sandbox wouldn't dare let it air last. XENA So I'm alive? GABRIELLE Not yet but you will be. Caesar will tamper with fate and our lives will be restored to how they should be. XENA And Alti is in that story. She's hot! GABRIELLE Very. XENA So I get you back? GABRIELLE Yeah. And lucky for you I didn't have a chance to go look up Aphrodite. With you dead she'd be the only one left I know. And besides, we share subtext. XENA Yeah, I've noticed. XENA (CONT'D) So it all works out okay? GABRIELLE Yes Xena, in the end- with the stories in the right order- it all works out okay. I love you Xena. XENA I love you too Gabrielle. GABRIELLE (hugs, kiss, whatever floats your boat) Welcome home.

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