by Bat Morda
1997 Mar 28

Author's Comments:
Aug 07 2000

This was written during the beginning of "The Search For Amphipolis." I was pretty buzzed still from "Is There A Doctor On The Dig" and had Janice trampling around in my head A LOT.

INTERIOR: Bat's living room. She comes home from a hard day at work, tossing her car keys and purse onto a large amplifier.

BAT: Honey I'm... <sees Mrs. Bat glaring at her with a most annoyed look on her face> What?

MRS. BAT: Get them out of here.

BAT: What them?

MRS. BAT: The walking tack shop and stick girl.

BAT: <to herself> What are they doing here? <to Mrs. Bat> Janice and Mel here too?

MRS. BAT: I sent them out back to jump on the trampoline...

BAT: The Irritating Blond Twins?

MRS. BAT: I sent them to the Mall with your Visa card...

BAT: Oh, shit. You are pissed.

MRS. BAT: Xena and Gabrielle have been monopolizing your computer all afternoon. I wasn't able to call in because they've been online, now I can't get online because they're playing games!

BAT: Okay, okay. I'll take care of it. <walks by computer room, hears giggles. Bat sighs and changes clothes then returns to computer room and enters> Hi guys.

XENA: Batski

GABRIELLE: Batabing Batabong

BAT: You've been reading my email from Joanna, havent you?

XENA: <looking at computer screen> No Gabrielle, go the other way.

GABRIELLE: I *can't* go the other way Xena, the ship is sinking- or didn't that Ice Berg we hit mean anything to you?

XENA: I didn't think we hit it that hard.

BAT: That's the Titanic, you hit it that hard. So, what are you guys doing here?

XENA: Heard you're ready to post chapter 1 for TSFA. Thought we'd have a look.

GABRIELLE: We're like back up singers. You know the Slayer-ettes.

BAT: You've been watching Buffy. <peers closely at Gabrielle's mouth> Is that chocolate on your lip?

XENA: <peering closely at Gabrielle's mouth> Lemme see, <kisses the bard passionatley> Yup. Chocolate.

BAT: Just how many of those Cadbury eggs have you eaten?

XENA: Seven <mumbling> apice.

BAT: Come on, you guys can work off your sugar rush at the mall. We've got to go get the twins.

<as the trio exits Bat's house, Gabrielle leans close to Xena>

GABRIELLE: Oh, Xena...

XENA: <smiling> Humm?

GABRIELLE: <whispers> Shotgun.

<Xena frowns and piles into the back seat of Bat's car.>

GABRIELLE: So this would be the Bat-mobile then?

BAT: <grimacing> NO!

<They head for the Burbank Media Center Mall. Gabrielle plays with the stereo, pausing on one station and singing>

GABRIELLE: It's like ra-ie-ain, on your wedding day...

<Bat changes the station. Bard and Flying Mamal are rendered speachless as they listen to the Warrior Princess sing Landslide from beginning to end. Finally Bat pulls into the parking structure as she and Gabrielle wipe their tear filled eyes>

BAT: That was beautiful Xena.

<Xena shruggs but a thin smile crosses her features, she knows it. Looking down Xena eyes the asphalt suspiciously>

XENA: The ground feels funny.

BAT: It's Burbank asphalt, be careful- it isn't something you want to fall down on.

XENA: You're telling me.

<The trio enters the mall through the Sport Chalet store>

XENA: Now this is more like it, a weapon's store.

BAT: No guys, we're just walking through to... to... <her companions have disappeared> Great. Just great. <Bat carefully scans store and notices people running from the baseball department. She heads that way and sure enough Xena is in the middle isle an aluminum bat in each hand as she whirls them around her body in intricate pattenrs.

XENA: Nice chobos.

BAT: They're bats, baseball bats.

XENA: <arches eyebrow>

BAT: No. No relation. <an anguished scream is heard and both women head over to the hockey department.>

GABRIELLE: Try to tell me how to use a stick will ya. <Gabby looms over a terrified sales clerk as his life passes before his eyes>

BAT: Don't worry kid, she never kills, only maims.

The trio heads for the main mall when Gabrielle is distracted by a display of bicycle wear. She tries on an outfit. As she stepps out of the dressing room Xena snatches Bat's glasses from her face.

BAT: What'd you do that for?

XENA: Figured it was easier than covering your eyes. <returns her attention to Gabs> Nice. We'll take it.

They head to the register.

GABRIELLE: <whispers to Bat>: Your vision isn't that bad is it.

BAT: <smiling> No, but we don't need to tell her that.

The purchase is made and they start searching the mall for signs of Callisto and Leesto.

BAT: So, guys, what do you think of the story?

GABRIELLE: I like it. But then again, I know what's going to happen. Xena isn't as keen on it though.

XENA: Do you really have to air our dirty laundry in public?

GABRIELLE: Hey! Everyone found out I was rapped in the last story.

XENA: Yeah but this returning to Ares thing...

BAT: Is isn't as if I'm not airing my dirty laundry too...

XENA: Yeah but no one knows it yours. Why do you do that any way? I mean you stop drinking Pepsi and next thing you know a family of four is slaughtered in a cart in AOB.

BAT: It's cheaper than therapy.

GABRIELLE: Look! A Scroll shop! <they enter Waldenbooks> Here you are Xena! <Gabrielle holds up a Ru Emerson book. Xena smiles then notices her three books are stacked next to a zillion Star Trek books>

XENA: What is it with those people.

BAT: Relax, they've been at it longer.

They leave and stop in the comic shop next door. An entire shelf of Hercules dolls is marked 1/2 off.

XENA: Why aren't there any of me?!

BAT: People buy those. <Xena peers into the case and notices her holigram trading card is selling for $10. Herc's is selling for $5>

GABRIELLE: Hey, where am I? Are those selling too?

BAT: You don't have a doll.

GABRIELLE: What?! Why not.

XENA: I don't want any one undressing you but me.

GABRIELLE: Xena, you say the sweetest things. So Bat, how many hate letters do you think you'll get when you post chapter 1?

BAT: I hope none, why?

GABRIELLE: Well the ending...

BAT: Hey, Janice woke up, it's not my fault.

XENA: Quest ain't gonna like it. Why don't you use that dream Gabrielle had about the three headed fish instead.

BAT: <considers offer> I don't think it'd have quite the same impact.

XENA: It was a big fish.

They stop for a bite to eat in the food court. The recognize two familiar faces working at HOT DOG ON A STICK.

BAT: Lucy! Robbie! What are you guys doing here.

LUCY: Well we thought we'd better get jobs while we wait for the epilogue. I can tell this thing is going to be wordy.

ROBBIE: Come on Lucy, we have to do the leamonaid ritual.

<Lucy and Robbie do that funky Lemonaid dance/ritual that the Hot Dog On A Stick people are known for. Xena and Gabrielle watch in rapt facination>

PASSER BY: Battle on Xena!

ANOTHER PASSER BY: My favorite show!

STILL ANOTHER PASSER BY: Cool clothes! <this passer by was looking at Gabrielle as she spoke. Xena frowns.>

XENA: Come on, lets find the others and get out of here.

They wander into Sears.

BAT: So, guys, about Mrs. Bat.

XENA: I can't believe she puts up with you.

GABRIELLE: Neither can she.

BAT: If you're going to drop by, not that I mind, mind you. For gods sakes, let her log on. She auctually uses AOL for work.

XENA & GABRIELLE: Oh alright. <they hear a familiar shriek from the Craftsman power tools section>

LEESTO: Perfect Calli. The power drill right up her- oh, hi guys.

GABRIELLE: Talking about us again?

CALLISTO: No Gabs, auctually we were talking about Valaska.

XENA AND GABRIELLE: <turn sharply to look at Bat> YOU WOULDN'T!!!!!

BAT: Um...well... now that we're all here we can be going.


LEESTO: <Picking up two huge shopping bags.> Ready to go.

BAT: What the hell is all that stuff.

CALLISTO: We just bought a few things, you know, power tools. We need to pick up some lumber on the way home.

BAT: <as they head to the car> I was thinking, maybe you guys don't need to visit for awhile. You know, let me muddle through on my own....

XENA: <thinks about it> Nah.

GABRIELLE: How about we stay away for awhile, then you take us someplace really cool...

BAT: Like where.

GABRIELLE: Disneyland.

XENA: Why would you want to go there?

GABRIELLE: It's the happiest place on earth. Aside from anywhere with you, that is.

XENA: <grins>

CALLISTO: I'm going to puke. That's as bad as *I sing a song of Perdicus*

XENA: Who asked you. <to Bat> Okay, you're on your own until chapter 3.

BAT: Thanks guys.

XENA: But we're staying for dinner. Right?

the end

for now...

Return to Bat Morda