by Bat Morda
1997 Aug 27

Author's Comments:
Aug 08 2000

"I wrote this not too long into writing UberMadness, clearly I'd not been at the writing thing too long and digging myself into plot holes used to scare me. I think I was trying to calm myself down."

Okay, so I'm doing dishes this morning and thinking to myself-- yes it happens from time to time. The conversation went a little something like this...

BAT: What the hell was I thinking, making Rielle married!

BAT's CONSIENCE (BC): I'll admit, that surprised me too. But don't worry you'll figure it out.

BAT: Easy for you to say. You don't have to write this stuff.

BC: <fingers bullwhip> Don't get huffy with me. You don't *really* write this stuff either ya know. You just take dictation from your subconsious. Besides it isn't as if you've never dug yourself a big plot hole before. Can you spell Ulysses? Besides, you've been at this awhile.

BAT: Humm... I guess I have, I wonder how long.

BC: <adjusts hat and leans against kitchen counter> You've been writing for about a year now.

BAT: Really?

BC: I think so. Lets see... you met Joanna and those folks for the first time a year ago come January. Not to mention seeing me for the first time. I think you started writing a few months before that. So you're coming up on your one year anniversary as an *snicker* author.

BAT: Why are you laughing?

BC: <tips hat back on head with barrel of Smith & Wesson> Because--

BAT: Cut that out. You're supposed to be my consience. If people know it's *you* they'll think this is a skit and we all know I don't *do* that anymore!

BC: <puts gun down> Sorry. As I was saying, I find it amusing that anyone as clueless as you are gets called an author.

BAT: <getting huffy> Byte me!

BC: Ohhhh you're soooooo butch. Okay author. Give me a complex, compound sentence.

BAT: <frowns>

BC: Split an infinitive.

BAT: <with confidence> I'm not supposed to do that.

BC: What is a subjunctive clause-- and you may not use Santa or elves in your answer.

BAT: Oh yeah! Describe your gun.

BC: <startled> What?

BAT: You heard me! Describe the weighty mass of gunmetal gray cold steel you're holding.

BC: It's a gun.

BAT: ZZZZZZZ wake me when it's over. Okay something easy. Describe Mel Pappas. Better yet, describe her breathing.

BC: What?

BAT: Or tell me about Xena-- when she was seven. And explain why Xero would dream that or why we should care.

BC: But...

BAT: So there! Besides, the commas and infinitives and junk are why there are editors. And like you said, I've only been doing this a year. I'm sure grammar stuff comes later.

BC: So one year, 8 stories, 385 pages and you're this impossible. If we have this conversation next year-- I'm bringing the gatling gun!


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