PLEASE NOTE: This script has been formatted for optimum viewing at a screen setting of 800x600.


Note: With the plethora of Uber-Fic hitting the web, I felt it was about time we had a genuine Uber parody. Yes, I know, the responsibility of being on the cutting edge of "What should I make fun of now, Mavis?" is a heavy burden but by golly, I feel I'm up to the challenge. Therefore, here is a ground-breaking piece of uberfanfic I like to call:



by Joanna

1998 Oct 12



Two trees stand next to each other. One is a tall, strong, dark-looking tree. The other is shorter and lighter. The tall tree calls itself "Xree", the shorter one is "Gree". Betcha didn't know trees had names, didja? Well, this is a very educational sketch. NOTE: all dialogue has been translated from Florish -- the ancient language of most plants. Luckily, there are no geraniums in the sketch because their dialect is indecipherable.

XREE So you're saying that we were once humans? GREE Yup. XREE And in that other life we had some kind of mystical bond. GREE It's the only explanation. What I feel for you is too powerful to be just a passing desire for cross pollination. XREE You do realize that I was once a very nasty tree. I've spilled a lot of sap in my time. Spread my canopy out so far nothing beneath me could grow. GREE But you've changed. Sure, you used to sow the occasional wild oak, but now you let sunlight pour upon me, nurturing me, protecting me. And I love you for that, Xree. XREE I'm just afraid that someday I'm gonna to revert to my old ways and block that light with a new branch or something. GREE I trust you. Please, Xree, I know that underneath all that out-of-control photosynthesis, your roots are full of love. After all, now you're fighting for the greater wood! XREE Yes, I'm no longer the Timber Princess, the Defoliator of Corinth, the Spreader of Fungi. I've changed. Now, I only kill weeds and parasites. GREE I'm going to go out on a limb and say that at this point, your bark is worse than your blight.

Suddenly, Xree spots a squirrel about to eat an acorn. Quickly, Xree lets loose a large, round seedpod. The pod ricochets off two rocks and beans the squirrel square in the head, making it drop the acorn.

XREE Get outta here, ya mobile vermin!

The squirrel hobbles woozily away. Gree touches Xree's branches with her own, twining their leafy canopies.

GREE Thank the druids! I thought that acorn was a goner. (sentimentally) It reminds me of the time you saved that pine cone. That's when Hercree knew you were worth watering. XREE Hercree is a good bl-oak. (thoughtful) So do you think we'll stay as trees forever or will we be punished by becoming humans again in some other life? GREE I don't know. I guess we'll just have to enjoy what we have for the several hundred years left to us and hope for the best. But I do have a plan. XREE Oh? Care to share? GREE I'm going to write stories about us. All kinds of stuff. Plotless Pollination. Arbor-Fic, Woodlord/Sapling -- you name it. That way, we'll live forever! XREE That's a great idea. Just don't talk about the really nasty things I used to do, 'kay? GREE I think you exaggerate your nastiness. XREE Oh yeah? I once turned an enemy into paper. GREE Ouch! Okay, so you were really bad. But I be-leaf in you, Xree. XREE You don't know how much I love... that.

They sit quietly in reflection for a moment, until a breeze stirs.

GREE Time to rustle. XREE Yeah. Maybe we can get a little of that plotless pollination you were talking about. Ya wanna? GREE Wood I?! C'mere, ya big, dumb, perennial.

Xree caresses one of Gree's sturdy branches.

XREE Why, Gree! One of your buds is swollen. GREE Maybe you should kiss it and make it better.

Xree does her best to comply, making several of Gree's buds bloom.

XREE And some trees think we're just fronds. GREE The Weeping Willows know about us. They cried their leaves off when they realized you were taken. XREE They're always pining about something. GREE You shouldn't needle the evergreens so. XREE Sorry. It's just that I prefer a partner with buds, y'know? GREE Do I! Speaking of which, I can feel some more swelling coming on...

Their branches embrace again as we: