PLEASE NOTE: This script has been formatted for optimum viewing at a screen setting of 800x600.



by Joanna

2000 Jun 22



'Xena the Conqueror' is with a pretty little slave. One of her lieutenants, Thesaurus, is standing nearby, at attention.

THESAURUS It is time, Your Depraved Repulsiveness. XENA Is it noon already? I've only killed four men, raped three slaves and beaten a child at tic tac toe half a dozen times by always taking the center square. Surely it can't be noon already. I have so much more to do! THESAURUS So sorry, Your Supreme Heinousness, but even as we speak, the sun hovers above our heads in an extremely noonish fashion.

Xena sighs, puts the slave she was raping into a drawer for later and straightens her raiment.

XENA Do you like this new robe thing? I got it in Chin. THESAURUS It matches the azure, cobalt, cerulean, sapphire bluishness of your eyes, Your Gargantuan Pile of Vileness. XENA What a sweet thing to say, thank you. Go tell Hitlerus and Napoleanus to meet me at the podium. And get my scepter. I had it sent out to be dry-cleaned. Here's the ticket.

With a bow, Thesaurus takes the ticket and leaves to fulfill his duties.

Making sure that she is scowling in a most frightening fashion, Xena leaves her conquering tent to make the short walk to the center square.


It's a beautiful day. The sun is indeed high above in a very noonish fashion, birds chirp, downtrodden peasants throw their bodies over puddles to keep Xena's feet unsullied, and flowers bloom. Hitlerus runs up to keep pace, a vicious frown twisting his features, his small mustache nearly bristling.

HITLERUS Rrrrr. XENA Hey, Sparky, how's it hanging?

Xena daintily shoves a peasant's face into the mud with her unsullied boot.

HITLERUS Rrrrrr. XENA Frog in your throat?

Quickly, Hitlerus clears his throat. He speaks in a falsetto lisp.

HITLERUS Oh Ssweetie, you ssimply have no idEEa how rough thiss day hass been! It'ss a wonder I'm not on my death bed! Kicky robe -- new? XENA From Chin. HITLERUS They're sSO 'at one' with ssilk. XENA Lotta prisoners then? HITLERUS A veritable sslew! I never. XENA You poor, overworked despot. HITLERUS I found thosse freedom fighters you'd heard about. Big sswarm, all shouting about equality or rightss or ssome inanity. XENA Great. What did ya do with 'em? HITLERUS Drafted all the boyss, and put the girliess to death. Excsept their leader. She'ss for you! XENA How thoughtful. Let's go crucify a rebel!

Happily, Xena grabs her scepter from the hands of an approaching Thesaurus. Napoleanus, a short, dull-looking man, is at his heels. Xena stops, reaches behind a bunch of empty ale canisters and picks up a leafy gold hat. She shoves it on her head.

XENA (cont'd) Whaddaya think -- and be honest. Just ignore the fact that I can have you all put to death for an unflattering response. HITLERUS Fabulouss! THESAURUS Highlights your cheekbones, Your Hideous Eyesoreness.

Napoleanus claps. Xena smiles happily at the three men, adjusting the chapeau. Regally, she walks across the steps toward her throne, surveying the rabble with an Empress's eyes. Eyes that actually belong to her. And that sorta makes her an Empress now, doesn't it?

GUARD (bare-chested and built) Hail Xena! XENA (whispers to guard) Hail me tonight, around duskish. RABBLE Hail Xena! XENA Ooh, good -- rabble! Where'd ya find them? THESAURUS Poteidaia, Your Loathsome Felonious. XENA No way! The town with all the pinwheels? THESAURUS That's the one, Your Efficacious Malignancy.

Xena nods approvingly, making sure the sun glints off her leafy gold hat and into the eyes of the prisoners. It's one of those extra touches of villainy that goes unsung but adds to her Conquerous reputation.

Suddenly, a small woman with kinky blonde hair separates herself from the rabble.

GABRIELLE I will NOT hail you! XENA She the one we're crucifying? THESAURUS Yes, Your Beastly Malfeasance. Name's Gabrielle of Poteidaia. She's a part-time bard and a full-time rouser. XENA A rouser. Of rabble? HITLERUS Yess. Isn't she divine? Look at thosse adorable shoulderss -- and thosse abss! XENA Down, boy, she's not your type.

Xena takes a long, leisurely look, a slow smile spreading across her lips. Rising gracefully, she makes sure to hold her scepter out and away from her so that her sleeve drapes provocatively.

XENA (cont'd) I really should have bought more of these robes when I was in Chin. Well, let your army do your walking, eh boys? Thesaurus, give my Mycenaean Express card to the fourth battalion and send'em to Chin. THESAURUS Yes, Your Odious Flatulence.

Xena eyes Thesaurus a moment, almost figuring that one out, then her attention returns to the blonde and she glides down the steps, approaching the young rabble rouser.

XENA You sure you're a rouser? You seem so quiet and demure. GABRIELLE (in Xena's face, shouting at the top of her lungs) Free the people! Make love not war! Where have all the flowers gone? War is bad for children and other living things! XENA My mistake. GABRIELLE Flower power! Hell no, we won't go! California dreaming! Surfin', USA! Help me, Rhonda!

Gabrielle looks around desperately. She frantically waves at an overweight brunette in the crowd.

GABRIELLE (cont'd) Rhonda, didn't you hear me? Help me! RHONDA Are you kidding? That's Xena the Conqueror! In our world, Hercules was never born and therefore, she was never redeemed! Instead, she is a cruel and savage despot, ruler of the known world, and devoid of any heart or sense of morality. GABRIELLE What are you babbling about?

Xena opens her mouth to speak, but Gabrielle holds up one hand impatiently.

GABRIELLE (cont'd) (to Xena) Just a sec, I'm in a discussion here. (to Rhonda) Go on. XENA Guard -- kill the chunky brunette with the big mouth. RHONDA I'm no threat to you, Xena! I'm here solely for exposition, a bad Beach Boys' joke -- and it's glandular, dangit!
You are so mean! (regains her composure) May I finish now?
GABRIELLE So help me, Rhonda...! RHONDA And now we have officially run that joke into the ground. Okay, where was I? XENA (helpfully) Devoid of any heart. RHONDA Ah, right! Thanks. A cruel and savage despot, devoid of any heart, yadda yadda. And absolutely nothing -- barring perhaps a young blonde marked by the prophesied Abs of Redemption -- will ever have any affect on her! And where in all of Greece are we supposed to find a young blonde with redemptive abs?

Every eye in the square stares at Gabrielle's bare stomach.

GABRIELLE What? That's not a sign of redemption, it's a mole. XENA On my breast I have a mole AND a scar! GABRIELLE You win. XENA I always do. GABRIELLE (remembering her job) No! C'mon, rabble, fight this! Don't let her tame your restless hearts! Don't let her steal your relentless spirits! Defy the Conqueror! XENA Do it and die, ya worthless bunch of pissant peasants. ONE-LINE EXTRA Sorry, Gabrielle, she has the better argument.

The rabble murmur in agreement, including Rhonda, who climbs into a little deuce coup and drives off, upset that her daddy took her T-bird away.

GABRIELLE (has no support and knows it) Soooo, Xena, love the hat. XENA (primping) Really? It's new. Not too pretentious? GABRIELLE For a conquering empress? Nah, downright subtle. XENA Thanks. For that I promise to break your legs. GABRIELLE You're new to this "reward the rabble rouser for the nice things she says" thing, aren't you? XENA No, I was referring to the crucifixion. If I break your legs, you die faster. It's me being nice, promise. GABRIELLE Wow, hate to see your mean streak. XENA I'm dark. Dark and Evil. Dark and Evil and Despotic. Dark and Evil and Despotic and Warlordy. Dark and Evil and Despotic and Warlordy and a poor sport. Dark and evil and-- GABRIELLE Got the picture. XENA And I'm allergic to carrots. (off Gabrielle's questioning look) Just in case you wanted to really tick me off. Feed me carrots. Gives me a rash. I hate rashes. And radishes. Not allergic, they just give me gas. GABRIELLE As they do to so many of us. Okay, I'll go make your lunch. How about a nice boar on rye? XENA Don't forget the greens. I haven't been regular lately. GABRIELLE And we don't want that. No siree. (whispers to guard) How much more are we going to learn about her digestive system? GUARD She's into bathroom humor, so there's no telling. GABRIELLE Wonderful. XENA (realizing) Wait a minute! You're not my cook, you're my 1pm crucifixion! I can't believe you almost let me forget. GABRIELLE I'm a minx. XENA You sure that's just a mole?

Finding herself mesmerized, Xena stares at the Abs of Redemption.

XENA (cont'd) They're just soo... HITLERUS Deliciouss? THESAURUS Putriferous? NAPOLEANUS I have no personality, so I'm going to sit this one out. GUARD At least you have a name, sir. ONE-LINE EXTRA Yeah. GUARD Cheater! You were only supposed to have one line! XENA Stop it! I'll have you all killed just for taking up half a page!

Total silence until someone drops a pin. Xena glares, so the pin-dropper 'sprints' away.

XENA (cont'd) That's better. Okay, Gabrielle, you were about to mention the greater good, redemption, atonement, and gentle persuasion through the magnificence of your caring heart... followed by hot sex. GABRIELLE I was? XENA Yeah, let's wrap this up. I'm tired of typing. GABRIELLE Okee doke. Xena, I think you can be saved-- XENA I've seen the light, changed the error of my ways, yadda yadda. Let's go take that little slave out of the drawer and have us some fun. GABRIELLE But, but-- XENA I'm a woman of action. Once I make up my mind, that's it. Besides, that's one Hades of a redemptive mole ya got there, cute stuff. GABRIELLE I named it Hercules. XENA Huh? GABRIELLE Rhonda told me to say that. C'mon, you're reformed, no use hanging around. XENA (to rabble and her lieutenants) You're all free to go! Buh-bye! RABBLE Bye Conqueror Xena! HITLERUS Sseeya Ssweet thingss! XENA Love and kisses, Hitlerus! THESAURUS Fare thee Well Your Munificent Ponderousness! I think I'll go write a book. XENA Name it after yourself, Thesaurus! NAPOLEANUS Bye.

Xena waves.

NAPOLEANUS (waits a beat, to himself) Ha! Got in the last word. XENA (quietly to guard) Kill that third guy. He's trouble.

The guard nods as we: