PLEASE NOTE: This script has been formatted for optimum viewing at a screen setting of 800x600.



by Joanna Sandsmark

Copyright 1998 held by author
1998 Feb 12 - 1998 Feb 15
7790 words



I loved THE BITTER SUITE and this parody is in no means meant to imply criticism. Just the opposite, actually. This is my way of paying tribute to a phenomenal episode.

All songs, unless otherwise noted, should be able to be sung to the tunes found in the episode, THE BITTER SUITE. Try singing along, it's fun! THE CHORUS is a group of Poteidaian villagers who just adore mucking up Xena and Gabrielle's life. Everything they say always rhymes. They're a Greek chorus, y'see. Just in case you haven't read the Coming Out series, thought I'd tell you who these wackos are.

Now please, enjoy! And tell me what you thought of this massive project!










A naked body double for Gabrielle is getting whupped by an Amazon with a weed wacker (though it's not plugged in, so it really doesn't hurt). The music is eerie and the whupping Amazon wears a Halloween mask of Kathie Lee Gifford (ooh, scary!).


Ephiny sips from a bottled water as Joxer tries to dispel his image from several mindless comedies by frowning a lot.

JOXER We have to do something! EPHINY (noticing Joxer) Gah! What the Hades are you doing in the Amazon village? Security! JOXER I love Gabrielle -- I have to be near her. EPHINY Jox, babe, she's into chicks. You? No shot. JOXER I kinda like that about her, actually. EPHINY Security!!!! (mumbling) Geez, we call ourselves Amazons? JOXER We have to get her out of there! I can hear the background chants from here and they're getting louder! EPHINY We can't. She has to endure the Amazon purification ritual and that means getting all the toxins out of her body in a new age, 'expel the TexMex she had for dinner last night' kinda way. It's brutal, but Kathius Leah knows what she's doing.

Joxer, in an attempt to wow the critics, frowns even more.

JOXER Well I'm not going to stand by and watch this from out here. (beat, then brightly) I'm going in there and watch!



Xena is wailing, dressed in a blanket. Soap chips doubling as snow fall all around her.

XENA (wailing) Aeiaeiaei! And on this farm he had some pigs. Aeiaeiaei!

Suddenly, Ares appears next to her.

ARES 'Grease' is over. You can stop singing now. XENA Shut up, ya soulless bastard! I coulda won a Tony if my run had been longer! ARES Give it up, Xena. You don't have a Tony. Or even an Emmy -- Rob wrecked your chances by having the show go syndicated. And since you can't get ticked off at him, cuz he's your boss, why not kill Gabrielle? XENA 'Kay.



Gabrielle, now dressed in a kevlar toga, is having tea with Callisto.

GABRIELLE So I says to Xena, I says: 'Sure my kid off-ed your kid, but what are ya gonna do? They're kids!' And she says to me, she says-- CALLISTO You hate her, don't you? GABRIELLE Hate her? No way! About the only thing that could make me hate her is if she rode in on Argo, whupped the Amazons, tied a rope around my feet, dragged me across half of Greece and then tried to throw me off a cliff -- and what are the odds of that??? CALLISTO Okay, so it's not hate. But you dislike her, right? GABRIELLE No way. I love her. Said so a hundred times. CALLISTO Um... have an eensy teensy bit of resentment that, cuz of her, you had to kill your daughter? GABRIELLE (laughing) Right! As if Hopeless didn't deserve it! CALLISTO Feel slightly petulant cuz she snubbed you at the funeral of your kids, wouldn't respond to your 'I love you, Xena' and will never forgive you? GABRIELLE Nope. CALLISTO So nothing she does bothers you? GABRIELLE Well... (beat) there is one thing... CALLISTO What? GABRIELLE Oh, it's meaningless. I shouldn't even mention it. CALLISTO C'mon! It's me! Callee! You can talk to me. GABRIELLE Well... she won't let me play with her hair. CALLISTO And you HATE her for that! GABRIELLE (highly emotional) YES! Yes, I hate her!! I hate her!! (sobbing) I wanna touch the weaved-in Spanish-lady hair and she won't let me!!




There is the sound of hoofbeats and Xena pounds up on Argo, whipping her.

ARGO That's it. I'm calling my agent.

Xena leaps off the horse as the Amazons line up to attack. Argo stalks off, talking on a cel phone. Xena spins in the air, missing all the Amazons who conveniently stood in such a way that one Xena spin would land her in a strategic position. Ephiny grabs her.

EPHINY Xena! No!

Xena pulls out a sheet of typing paper and gives Ephiny a really nasty paper cut. Ephiny falls to the ground screaming. Suddenly, Joxer runs out of the hut carrying Gabrielle.

JOXER (to Gabrielle) Geez, lay off the TexMex, wouldja?

He hands her a Certs.

GABRIELLE Xena? XENA I'm a little upset. GABRIELLE Well, we can't have that. Let me sing you a song to soothe your spirits. XENA NOOOOOOO! Don't sing!!!!!!!!!!

Xena grabs a whip, and gets Gabrielle around the legs while the bard tries to extricate her toga from Joxer's plate thingy. Jumping on a stunt horse, Xena ties off the ropey whip and starts galloping, dragging Gabrielle behind her.

GABRIELLE (singing to the tune of "Deep in the Heart of Texas") I'm being dragged.
Cuz m'toga was snagged.
Ain't life a drag with Xena!
This really hurts.
Eep! I swallowed my Certs.
Ain't life a drag with Xena!
XENA Stop singing! We haven't even gotten to Delusia yet! And by the way, you overused the word 'drag.' GABRIELLE (bumping along rocks, etc.) Oh, like I'm supposed to be clever as you tow me behind a horse. Besides, I was just warming up the ole pipes. XENA As if they're gonna let you sing. They have stunt singers in Delusia -- so just wait. GABRIELLE Oh yeah? And if I don't? Whattaya gonna do, kill me?

Xena glances back, watching as Gabrielle is dragged through broken glass, then lava then a nuclear testing ground.

XENA I've considered it.

They arrive at a cliff and Xena picks up Gabrielle, holding her over her head.

XENA Geez! Lay off the TexMex, why doncha?

Xena hands her a Tums. Gabrielle kicks Xena. They fall to the ground then square off.

GABRIELLE Nobody insults Momma ROC's cooking. XENA Oooh, I'm so scared. Whatcha gonna make of it? GABRIELLE I'm gonna play with your hair!

Enraged, both women attack each other and fall off the cliff into a waterfall. It's a strange, enchanted waterfall which instantly tears the clothes off anyone who swims there (a favorite swimming hole of Xenastaff).



A naked Xena (gosh, never seen that before, huh?) goes downstream.

CALLISTO (V.O.) Lose thy clothing and hold thy breath for here in water shall there be no oxygen for lungs, yet for gills there be.

Xena, sputtering, raises her head above water.

XENA What? I don't understand -- that doesn't make sense. CALLISTO (V.O.) As a fish thou swimmest in taroted lands and fillith thy fishy fins with unknowable wisdom and forsooth, tis a drum be heralded in enchantment's path. XENA Speak Greek for crying out loud! I don't understand a word you're saying. CALLISTO (V.O.) Holyfield am I! The boxer of fishes and boundless patterns of dresses and other garments in the heavyweight class.

Callisto pulls Xena out of the water. Xena, still naked, lies unconscious. Callisto bends down and licks her face like a puppy, waking her.

CALLISTO (cont'd) (singing) Glad that you're still quite nude.
Thought it'd amuse ya.
Gotta sing, don't say a word...!
This is Delusia!




Xena stands in front of Callisto, who just had her hair cut by Vidalis. Callisto manages to find a funky dress for Xena during the following stanza:

CALLISTO Xena, be nude.
Xena, be clothed.
Oh, just wear the dress,
though the style you loathed.

Xena, sit down.
Right there on the chair.
Bears may have souls,
and souls may be bare.
XENA Huh? Who in Tartarus are your lyricists?

ENTER the Poteidaian Chorus.

CHORUS It was us! It was us! We're the writers. Your Greek Choral... group...

The Chorus gets very embarrassed because they realize they didn't rhyme, even though it was an easy one.

CHORUS (cont'd) Something's wrong. We can feel it. Our patter's changed. Xena, please h- cure us... XENA Bet you meant to say 'heal it', right? CHORUS We did! This is tragic! We've lost our rhyming m-m-ma--hoodoo! XENA I think I'm going to like it here.
Your constant rhymes did not endear.

Realizing that she just rhymed, Xena claps her hands over her mouth. Callisto is looking rather bored, waiting for her big number. The Greek Chorus slumps over to the corner, the Land of Delusia having stolen their fantastic rhyming ability (not a word out of you readers, hear me? Pretend they were fantastic, okay?).

CALLISTO Just cue the orchestra, Joe.

Music swells and Callisto leaps up, all cheerful again. She dances around as under:

CALLISTO (cont'd) (spoken) Fate is a square,
for those with fake hair.
I don't know why,
nor do I care.

Your little friend,
is really ticked.
She sent you here.
It's why you were picked.

I'll hang around.
I really need the work.
So here I am stuck
in the land of Delusia!

An actress from the L.A. production of "Ragtime" stands in the corner, ready to sing, coordinating with Callisto who lip synchs the lyrics as under:

CALLISTO (cont'd) (singing) Delusia is wacko,
a place upside down.
It's me being nice,
and you in a gown.

You've dragged Gabrielle
across half of all Greece.
Yet she's okay with it--

A goldfish looks at Xena and sings:

GOLDFISH (singing) Will miracles never cease?

Callisto pulls out a deck of cards and starts whipping them at the large square portal.

CALLISTO (singing) Jack and a Queen.
Seven and deuce.
I think I'll fold.
Best to quit when you will lose.
Can you get out of this mess?
Hop through the square.
Give it a test.
CHORUS This sucks. She gets all the good lines and we're just sitting here like a bunch of rhymeless lumps. We're so depressed. XENA (to Chorus) Oh yeah, this is all about you, huh? Your pain? Your depression? What about me? I lost my son and almost killed Gabrielle! If anyone has a right to be depressed, it's-- (to Callisto) Callee, baby, a little to the left.


Callisto is gyrating in Xena's lap, nuzzling her neck while the various flunkies do Xena's nails, give her a massage etc. On the magic square, the Jack, Queen, seven and deuce look on, waiting for their cue. The goldfish taps its fin impatiently, while a velvet painting of Elvis looks on soulfully and a pink lawn flamingo next to Xena's chair, sighs.

CALLISTO Oh, Xena, you are such a babe. GOLDFISH Think we could get back to the point of this song, perhaps? CALLISTO (pouting) But I never get to make out with Xena. GOLDFISH Tough. We're special effects. Time is money.

The music starts up and the playing card chorus starts to sing.

PLAYING CARDS (singing) Fortune is sick of you.
Cal wants a lick of you.
We deal a game
made of skill and of luck.

Gamble the lot of you.
That's all we got of you.
Don't wimp out now,
there's still some songs...
If you don't sing,
this ep will suck.
CALLISTO (singing) Your singing ability,
is quite well-known.
International fame,
of yours has grown.
The ring that Rob bought you,
has brought you to this...

The pink flamingo jumps in Xena's lap, knocking Callisto off.

FLAMINGO (singing) Surrender your sanity.
This ep is vanity.
A showcase that critics can't miss...
CHORUS Even the darn bird gets to sing. What do you say we go bug Gabrielle? After all, she's on the Poteidaia set. That's home turf. We'll have to be able to sing there.

The Chorus grumpily stalks off.

XENA Look, I don't know what everyone is singing about. I thought this episode was supposed to deal with Gabrielle and Solan and darkness and hate. CALLISTO Yeah, well, that's kind of a downer. We decided to go a different route. Just work with us here. Pretend you're having fun with all these singing special effects, 'kay? XENA Whatever. But when do I get to sing? CALLISTO Later, babe. Okay, hit it, boys! VELVET ELVIS (singing) Oh, Xena, with song,
there is always a chance.
FLAMINGO (singing) To give words a meaning,
with a cute lil dance.
CALLISTO (singing) Delusia is wacko.
We'll guide you through.
But warm up your pipes, girl.
Cuz you've got big solos.
And there's so much you must do...
PLAYING CARDS (singing) Fortune is sick of you.
Cal wants a lick of you.
We deal a game
made of skill and of luck.

Gamble the lot of you.
That's all we got of you.
Don't wimp out now,
you soon will sing...
Get nude again, or
this ep will suck.
ALL (singing) Delusia is wacko,
a place upside down.
It's Cal being nice,
and you in a...
XENA Cut the playback!

The music winds down to nothing.

XENA (cont'd) All right, Callisto. I've had it up to here with this whole song and dance. Either we get back to the plot or I'm leaving. CALLISTO Xena, I only get,
this one chance to shine.
But you're the star,
so I'll chill and not whine.
XENA Good. As for all you special effects, you're not going to be following me around, are you? VELVET ELVIS I'll be hanging around here.
So will the rest.
Good luck to ya, Mamma.
I may be King,
but you're the best.
XENA Thank you, Velvet Elvis. Now, where the Hades is Gabrielle? I'm still ticked at her. And I brought rope!

Xena holds up a lasso.

CALLISTO Go up to the square
and punch in your need.
To the central computer,
this info will feed.
Then step through the portal
and close your blue eyes.
What you'll see next
is a great big surprise!

Xena types out "Kill Gabrielle" and the Square sucks her inside.



Gabrielle is floating nude down a river.

GABRIELLE Is this Raging Waters? It's kinda fun. CALLISTO Strangeness. Aquatic are you as endless rhythms slide to the depths of birth and bardic templates unknown to eternal doubt. GABRIELLE (hits some whitewater) Wheeee! CALLISTO Absorb thy nurturing waves as a fish shall swim and be sushi and get eaten in rice soaked seaweed with chopsticks and unanimous appeal, be it verified. GABRIELLE Yeeeha! Momma and I are coming here on our next vacation!

Hanging from a tree, with a noose around his neck, is Joxer. Naturally, he's dead. So the Chorus jumps in the water and pulls Gabrielle out.

GABRIELLE (cont'd) (notices she's nude) Wow, Raging Waters has a pretty liberal dress code.

She starts picking bits of old velcro off her skin as she walks around. Suddenly she spies the Chorus and runs to hide.

CHORUS (trying to sing, but failing) We're Chorus, the Rhymey. We're always in the way. It's really annoying, but we've lost all sense of rhyme. And now we don't know what to do. Delusia made us sound normal. We're Chorus! Chorus the Rhymey! GABRIELLE That was... immensely lame. Even for you. What's wrong? CHORUS Um... This is Delusia and though everyone else appears capable of amazing feats of linguistic wizardry, we've lost all sense of meter and stanza. (afterthought) Oh, we're your guides, but we're sorta depressed, so don't expect much. GABRIELLE I'm naked. CHORUS We noticed. Gods, not even that cheered us up. We're so lost without iambic pentameter. Here.

The Chorus strips, lending Gabrielle their clothes.

GABRIELLE Thanks. CHORUS Great. Now we're naked. Humiliation is complete.

They pick tufts of grass to cover their unmentionables.

CHORUS (cont'd) Oh, word to the wise. Sing if you want to be heard here in Delusia. GABRIELLE I... can't sing. CHORUS Oh. (calling off stage) Yo! Stunt voice dept.! Get the chick from Les Miz, 'kay?



Men dressed as warriors crowd around eating mutton, turkey legs, sides of beef, etc. Xena enters. During the following song, Xena passes through the warriors who are shoving photos at her for her to sign, looking up websites, displaying their magazine collections, etc.

WARRIORS (singing) Xena!

Look who's here! Man, this is cool.
It's the chick who makes us drool.
She gives meaning to 'You Rule!'
She's Xena.

Just a look at her blue eyes.
Or a glance at those buff thighs.
Men and women fantasize.
'Bout Xena!

She's a goddess on the net.
Download all that you can get.
Those who're bi or gay or het.
Love Xena!
WARRIOR #1 (singing) You're the popular princess.
The darling of E.T.!
WARRIOR #2 (singing) You're a favorite of People,
T.V. Guide and UTV!
WARRIOR #3 (singing) Just one smile
and you're on the cover.
WARRIOR #4 (singing) Say a word,
critics shout "We love her!"
WARRIORS (singing) You're the star, Xena, you're the star!

Xena makes it to the front of the room where Ares sits on a throne, dressed like the King in a deck of cards. The warriors are all holding up large cuts of meat that they hide behind peeking out when they do their "Xena!" whisper

XENA Ares. I might have known. Wanted a chance to show America you can sing, did you? ARES (singing) You... look a little hungry,
care to join us, Dear?
WARRIORS Xena! ARES (singing) We're feasting on a haunch,
a rib, a butt.
WARRIORS Xena! ARES (singing) And if that's not enough,
I can arrange a better cut.

He leaves his throne, and starts leading Xena around the sumptuous feast.

ARES (cont'd) (singing) A starving woman needs
a really bigass plate.

He hands her a shield.

ARES (cont'd) (singing) So use this shield-- WARRIOR #1 (singing) Just load it while he hums... WARRIORS Xena! ARES (singing) There's plenty here to eat.
And for dessert there's lots of Tums.

Ares cuts off Xena's clothes.

XENA Yo, stud! What the Hades do you think you're doing? ARES (whispers) Chill, babe. Just giving you looser clothes so you can stuff your face. XENA Oh. Okay, then.

Ares puts a muumuu on Xena while the warriors hold up a cooked, wild boar with an apple in it's mouth and pass it around while they all take bites out of it.

WARRIORS (singing) You and me love boar.
It's the meat we most adore.
Nice and gamey, it's true!
Nothing's better for you!
Give us boar, boar, boar.
Then fill our plates with more...

Xena takes a bite out of the boar, loving it. Ares holds a basket of French bread.

WARRIOR #1 (singing) Epicureans have said: ARES (speaking) Boar is best with crispy bread. WARRIORS (singing) Warriors love boar, boar, boar!

Xena is thrilled with the feast, her shield piled high with meat, with a huge helping of boar.



Gabrielle enters the town, looking around in awe, recognizing landmarks. The Chorus follows her, still looking very depressed.

GABRIELLE What is this place? It seems vaguely familiar. That scroll shop over there, and that mean woman yelling at her kids -- this is Poteidaia! Amazing that I actually had to think about this, isn't it? CHORUS Yeah, yeah, Poteidaia. And here we are in disgrace. Spent all that time hounding you and Xena, then died -- bet our wives have missed us, though! Darlings? We're home...!

A group of Poteidaian women turn their backs on the Chorus, their arms around a bunch of handsome young bucks.

CHORUS (cont'd) Great. Isn't that just the capper to a perfect day? Bet THEY can rhyme...

The Chorus slinks away to an unobtrusive corner while Gabrielle is smilingly greeted by a variety of entertainment reporters in costume.

GABRIELLE Wow, you really go all out to get a story, don't ya? REPORTERS (whispering) Shhh! We're pretending to be villagers. GABRIELLE So are you going to interview me later? REPORTERS Of course not. We're going to talk to Xena. GABRIELLE Oh. Okay! I understand why, you know. I mean, Xena is... Xena! REPORTERS Don't worry -- we hear they booked you on a cable access show next time you visit the States. Of course, you'll have to be hypnotized and talk about sex, but it should be okay. GABRIELLE Splendid! (to the villagers) Hi, everybody! I'm home!

The music swells, flower petals rain down on Gabrielle and the village erupts in song.

VILLAGERS (singing) Gabrielle...

Though she gets no interview.
And appearances are few.
It's no bother, nothing new.

Xena's always been the star.
Known to millions near and far.
Things are just the way they are,
VILLAGER #1 (singing) You're a sweet and gentle bard.
Not flamboyance and flash.
E.T. REPORTER (singing) You can cook and write and talk.
And can bargain with cash.
VILLAGER #2 (singing) Though your fame is never growing. VILLAGER #3 (singing) We'll pretend that you're worth knowing. VILLAGERS (faking excitement) Oh, it's you, Gabrielle! Oh, it's you! GABRIELLE Wow... I'm... mildly insulted.

The Chorus is watching as their wives make out with the studs.

CHORUS (sarcastically) Poteidaia. Such a great place. Makes you wonder why you ever left it, huh?

Gabrielle spots Lila coming toward her.

GABRIELLE Lila! My sister -- the sister I left behind and haven't seen for quite awhile! LILA Why are you explaining everything? GABRIELLE Backstory for newbies. Are you gonna sing, too? LILA Yup. Ready? GABRIELLE Not really. Just tell me instead of singing. I'm getting a headache from all these bright colors, cheerful faces and vague put-downs. LILA Sorry. In Delusia, we're contracted to sing. I'm breaking every rule just having this chat with you now. Rules are rules. It's kind of like Disney employees at the theme parks not being allowed to grouse about their mean bosses, nasty tourists, etc. They're supposed to smile like idiots. (she smiles like an idiot) Gabrielle!

Lila and Gabrielle hug. Gabrielle's stomach growls.

LILA (cont'd) (singing) I guess you haven't eaten
for awhile now.
Perhaps you'd like to join us
for a bite.
Let me just arrange
a heaping pile of homemade chow.

Lila leads her to a table filled with fruit and vegetables. There's no meat in sight. Picking up a huge bowl of fresh peas, Lila waves it under Gabrielle's nose as everyone sings:

VILLAGERS (singing) You and me love peas!
Eat 'em plain or dripping cheese.
They're so round and small.
Like a tiny greenish ball.
We love peas, peas, peas.
Made with honey from the bees.
VILLAGER #1 (singing) Simply put, they are the best! VILLAGER #2 (singing) Our little secret you have guessed: VILLAGERS (singing) Villagers love peas, peas, peas!



Xena and Ares are gnawing on a haunch of boar as they're pulled in a chariot.

ARES (singing) Carnivores adore
a really tasty meat...
Juices flowing,
teeth tearing through red flesh.
Xena, when you chew,
your wondrous beauty can't be beat.
WARRIORS (singing) You and me love boar.
It's the meat we most adore!
WARRIOR #3 Let's go hunting! WARRIOR #4 Get your sword! ARES Just be careful you're not gored. WARRIORS (singing) Warriors love boar, boar, boar!



Gabrielle is riding in a cart full of peas, with Lila right beside her.

LILA (singing) Vegetarians are very peaceful foes.
We don't believe in killing with a blade.
Take these peas.
Shove them in Xena's ears
and up her nose.
VILLAGERS (singing) You and me love peas.
Eat 'em plain or dripping cheese!
LILA (singing) There's no finer way to die... VILLAGER #2 (singing) Than a pea shoved in your eye! VILLAGERS (singing) Villagers love peas, peas, peas!


There are a series of slam cuts between the Warriors and Villagers. Xena walks through a gauntlet of warriors with Ares looking on. She carries a huge haunch of boar meat, her expression deadly, while warriors cross and raise chunks of boar in front of her.

Gabrielle walks through a gauntlet of villagers, carrying a gigantic bowl of peas, her expression intense while villagers cross and raise bowls of peas in front of her.

Everyone sings as the two women walk through the gauntlets, up some stairs and to a door. They each reach for the handle at the same time.

WARRIORS (singing) We love boar, go choke GABRIELLE She's a vegan joke! VILLAGERS (singing) We love peas, now go kill
Xena, please!
We know you will!
WARRIORS (singing) Think of Solon as you tote
that meat for Gabby's throat!
VILLAGERS (singing) You're gonna need more peas!
Things are REALLY tense now.
VILLAGERS (singing) Peas! WARRIORS (singing) Boar! VILLAGERS (singing) Peas! WARRIORS (singing) Boar! VILLAGERS (singing) Peas! WARRIORS (singing) Boar!

Really fast cuts now.

VILLAGERS (singing) Peas! WARRIORS (singing) Boar! VILLAGERS (singing) Peas! WARRIORS (singing) Boar! VILLAGERS (singing) Peas! WARRIORS (singing) Boar! VILLAGERS (singing) Peas! WARRIORS (singing) Boar! VILLAGERS (singing) Peas! WARRIORS (singing) Boar! VILLAGERS (singing) Peas! WARRIORS (singing) Boar! VILLAGERS (singing) Peas! WARRIORS (singing) Boar! VILLAGERS (singing) Peas! WARRIORS (singing) Boar! VILLAGERS (singing) Peas! WARRIORS (singing) Boar!

The doors open from both sides and Xena and Gabrielle stand in front of each other. They wait for a moment, Xena holding her haunch of meat, Gabrielle with her bowl of peas.

GABRIELLE Hey, Xena! Want some peas? XENA No thanks. Care for some boar? GABRIELLE Nah.

They stand there for a second, not quite sure what to do. The chorus sidles up to Gabrielle and whispers in her ear.

CHORUS You're, um, supposed to shove peas in her nose to kill her. Weren't you listening? GABRIELLE Oh yeah, right.

Ares slithers up to Xena.

ARES (whispering) C'mon already. Make her choke on a piece of gristle! XENA Ewww.

Finally, with nothing else to do, Gabrielle shoves a pea up Xena's nose. Snorting to dislodge it, Xena puts her finger over her other nostril, and blows the pea at Gabrielle, beaning her on the head. Gabrielle falls over dead.




Xena kneels beside Gabrielle's dead body, the fatal pea stuck to her forehead. The Chorus enters, holds Gabrielle's finger in a candle to see if she screams and when she remains silent, shake their collective heads.

CHORUS In light of this solemn occasion, we'll refrain from making any 'pea-brain' jokes and simply say, 'You wasted her, Xena.' XENA (sarcastically) I appreciate your delicacy. CHORUS We do our best. (looking at the tables) Hey look! Boar! Yum!

The Chorus runs over to the buffet to chow down. Ares slithers up to Xena and begins to play patty-cake with her as under:

ARES (singing) You're wondering how,
you killed with a pea.
Just one of those things
it once happened to me.

You were into chicks
since you met her then...
But maybe her death
now will make you like men.

Ares pulls Xena to her feet and begins to dance with her, though it's closer to making out than dancing. Naturally, Xena is into it cuz let's face it -- Ares is HOT.

ARES (cont'd) (singing) Hey, I'll volunteer,
to be your first date.
I'm handsome, a god
I'm the ultimate mate.

I know I can turn you,
you'll love being het.
Don't worry about all
the fans on the net.

Ares glances at Gabrielle, then returns to dancing with Xena.

ARES (cont'd) (singing) What does that girl know
That I cannot do as well,
I'll even write scrolls.
Soon as I learn to spell.

I'm sure you have missed,
what a man has to give.
Forget about Gabby.
She's dead, and you live.

Let a god show you how,
to reach passionate heights.
Each day of the year,
and especially the nights...

Forget about Gabby.
Together we'll climb.
Just don't pay attention,
when I prove I'm slime.

Xena notices Gabrielle's dead body and breaks away from Ares, who immediately begins taking a cold shower. ENTER Callisto.

CALLISTO (singing) Did you have lots of fun,
snorting out a pea?
Now that she's gone
will you finally go out with me?
Let's go...
I know a great place for sushi and beer
so come on, my sweet...
Let's go.
XENA Why the heck wasn't I this popular in high school? ARES Hey Callisto --
when I'm through showering,
how about a nice deflowering?
CALLISTO You're a little late,
but what the heck, it's a date.

Ares and Callisto leave together and Xena is left alone with Gabrielle's corpse.

XENA I off-ed Gabrielle...

Gabrielle enters from behind and looks stunned at Xena holding her dead body.

GABRIELLE Oh sure. You get to play Warrior, Princess, Priestess, Tramp. I get to play Bard and Corpse. So much for my chance to stretch.

The warriors and villagers disappear as well as the dead body. Xena stands up looking like a little kid who got caught shooting peas out of her nose.

XENA (guilty) It wasn't my fault! You shoved a pea up my nose -- what was I supposed to do? GABRIELLE Well, that's grounds for murder. Pea-shoving. XENA I just exhaled! Geez, I dragged you across half of Greece and it didn't seem to phase you, but one pea between the eyes and it's lights out?

Suddenly the square portal opens up.

GABRIELLE What's that? XENA A square portal opening up. Quite suddenly, too.

The portal sucks them in and we:



They're inside a stark tower. Gabrielle is wearing a pair of Texas-style snakeskin boots across her chest.

XENA Wow, we finally dumped the supporting cast. I'm guessing this is my chance to sing! GABRIELLE Not yet, you don't. We have some things to work out first. XENA For crying out loud! Again with the touchy-feely routine! (echo) tine! tine! tine! GABRIELLE (whispers) Cool... (shouts, echo) Hey! Hey! Hey!
Halooo! loo! loo!
Hyah! yah! yah!
XENA (singing) I'm an old cowhand... and... and...
From the Rio Grande... ande... ande...
GABRIELLE What do you suppose ose ose ose
is causing this is is is?
XENA Dunno no no no.
Probably the obstruction tion tion tion
of sound waves aves aves
from a reflecting ing ing ing
surface ace ace ace.
In this case ase ase,
marble arble arble.

Gabrielle just stares at her.

XENA (cont'd) Or maybe it's because we're not
singing inging inging inging.
GABRIELLE You go first irst irst irst.

Gabrielle runs off to find her stunt voice while Xena leans against a column ready to warble her heart out.

XENA (singing) My nose is hurting beyond words.
My sinuses are ripped to shreds...
I've had the lousiest of weeks.
My rep is now worse than is Ted's.

No one will watch my TV show!
No movie deals will come my way!
I'm stuck here halfway 'cross the world.
For this rift someone's gonna pay!

Happily, Gabrielle has raided the Les Miz cast and found Eponine. She sticks her behind a column and gets ready to lipsynch.

GABRIELLE (singing -- hee hee) My head is hurting beyond words.
Finding Excedrin is my goal.
I've had the lousiest of weeks.
I almost lost my favorite role! (to Xena) Because of you this happened!
Because you want the spotlight
you almost got me fired!
XENA (singing, for real) It's you who should feel guilty,
because I had to drag you,
I'll no longer be admired!
GABRIELLE (singing) If you would change the title of the show... XENA (singing) If you would just let your perfect abs go! GABRIELLE (singing) You are too big a star! XENA (singing) You exercise too far! GABRIELLE (singing) You-- You suck! XENA (singing) No, you suck! GABRIELLE (singing) Ya big creep! XENA (singing) You're the creep! GABRIELLE (singing) Do you have to say everything I say? XENA (singing) Do you have to say everything I say? GABRIELLE (singing) Stop it! XENA (singing) Stop it! GABRIELLE (singing) I mean it! XENA (singing) I mean it! GABRIELLE (singing) Cut it out, ya big baby! XENA (singing) Cut it out, ya big baby! GABRIELLE (singing) Xena! XENA (singing) Xena!

Suddenly, the square portal appears and Dahok's fire reaches out, grabbing Gabrielle.

GABRIELLE Not this again! XENA Not this again! GABRIELLE (as she's being dragged) Quit repeating everything I say! XENA I wasn't! I changed the emphasis, didn't I? GABRIELLE (conversationally) Wanna save me from Pyro-boy? XENA Yeah, okay, whatever.

Xena leaps to Gabrielle's rescue but can't hold on. She grabs the fire 'arms' and is pulled in after Gabrielle as we





Gabrielle and Xena land in Dahok's temple. Gabrielle has blood on her hands. Xena grabs the edge of the altar to steady herself after zapping in, and her hands get covered in gum that someone stuck under the edge.

XENA (sniffing her sticky hands) Hmmm... Zeusy Fruit. GABRIELLE Geez, I hope this isn't my blood. I'm sick of being injured, hurt, killed, yadda yadda.

Xena tries to comfort Gabrielle (to fulfill the hurt/comfort formula), but ends up getting the gum in Gabrielle's hair. Trying to extricate herself, Xena gets even more stuck. Every move she makes pulls Gabrielle's hair.

GABRIELLE Ow. ow. ow. ow. ow. ow. XENA Sorry. Geez, I'm really messing up everything, aren't I? I can't do anything right. GABRIELLE Don't be so hard on yourself. Just because you dragged me across Greece, tried to throw me off a cliff, killed me and got gum in my hair? That's nothing! After all, I lied about leaving Dahok's daughter alive, betrayed you in Chin, almost got you executed, sent my evil child to hide out with your kid which got him killed, pushed you over a cliff and shoved a pea up your nose. XENA Awww, you're so sweet for trying to make me feel better.

Quietly, the Chorus enters and starts cutting Gabrielle's hair to free Xena and remove the gum.

XENA (cont'd) Thanks, guys. CHORUS Don't mention it. There's some old magazines under the altar if you want to read while we style... GABRIELLE Maybe now I can get fake hair like you, Xena! XENA Tell you what... When we get out of here, I'll let you play with my fake hair whenever you want... as long as you wash your hands first. GABRIELLE I love you, Xena. XENA I'd say this rift is over.

From out of a sarcophagus comes a hooded figure.

HOODED FIGURE No way! We have more songs to do! Now get angry and fast! GABRIELLE But... HOODED FIGURE No buts. Be mad or I'll sing the rest of the songs. XENA Okay, I'm ticked again. GABRIELLE You are? XENA (sotto voce) Not really. But I've read ahead and I finally get my solo in a few minutes. I'm not forfeiting that just for a little domestic harmony. Though I'm perfectly willing to have a little harmony here after Mr. Shroud has his turn. GABRIELLE (sotto voce) I can live with that. (louder) I'm still mildly annoyed with you, Xena! XENA (smiling) And I with you. Okay, Hoodster, hit it. HOODED FIGURE (furious) You two are toying with me!! XENA Well what do you expect? She's my best friend. I can't stay mad at her. GABRIELLE Yeah! What she said! XENA (to Gabrielle) And you're the articulate one?

Gabrielle shrugs with a smile, grabbing Xena around the waist. The Hooded Figure gets really ticked at this and, naturally, begins to sing. As he does, more hooded types are unleashed.

HOODED FIGURE (singing) You both have a reason
to declare open season.
On your pal, on your mate,
on your friend!

Look at all you've been through:
Children, death, and men, too!
C'mon girls, give it up,
let it end!

Walk away from each other,
while you still can go.
What's the point of remaining
in this bitter tango?
XENA Baiting. That's what we're fighting, Gabrielle. The fact that he's baiting us!

The other hooded types reveal themselves -- Perdicus, Ulysses, David, Marcus, and Meleager.

GABRIELLE Okay, hang on a second while I try to get the symbolism here...

The music conveniently bridges while the Hooded Figure waits for Gabrielle.

GABRIELLE (cont'd) I think I understand. Perdicus and Ulysses -- both are guys we almost dumped each other for. David and Marcus -- guys we went moony over right in front of each other. You know, that list could be a whole lot longer. XENA I think they're tokens, Gabrielle. Symbols for the rest. Otherwise it would cost too much to get all those people in one episode. GABRIELLE Okay, makes sense. But what's Meleager doing here? XENA I believe he represents your willingness to drop me like a hot souvlaki if something else comes up. Like running home to Poteidaia, or siding with him against me when he was in jail. GABRIELLE Oh yeah. That. XENA Hmmm... I'd almost expect Ares to be here. HOODED FIGURE He's still on a tryst with Callisto. XENA Ah. She's a hotty, it's true. GABRIELLE (to the Hooded Figure) Okay, go on with your song. We're up to speed here. HOODED FIGURE Thank you. (singing) You both betray,
this love I hear you say.
Gabrielle ran off with Perdy.
With all the boys she was flirty.
What was that about?

Xena, you're not blameless.
Think Ulysses!
You fell for Mr. Lameness.
This doesn't sound like a pair.
Just be aware!

Gabrielle is tied to the altar while Perdicus and David come up and flirt with her. Xena is tied to the cross while Ulysses and Marcus stand around staring at her with lovesick eyes.

HOODED FIGURE (cont'd) (singing) This love is just a joke.
Each time you meet a bloke,
you give up, let it go,
don't remain!

And when there is no man,
you still do what you can,
to give hurt, to give harm, to give pain!

There's no point in a friendship
without loyalty.
That's all you are is friends, right?
Set each other free!

Perd reaches over to kiss Gabrielle as Marcus goes for Xena.

GABRIELLE (to Perd) No! XENA (screaming in horror) Gabrielle! (to Marcus, brightly) Hi, Marcus! GABRIELLE Xena! XENA oops. (to Marcus) No!

Both men succeed and the two women look defeated in their separate tortured places. Heart-renderingly, Xena and Gabrielle, begin to sing:

XENA (cont'd) (singing) I never dreamed that we would
let the subtext die...
That all these men
could come between.
GABRIELLE (singing) How could I've left you? XENA (singing) We are together every moment, so why... GABRIELLE (singing) I need to buy a clue... XENA (singing) ...was the danger not seen? GABRIELLE (singing) It totally bites. XENA (singing) We tried so hard to play to every viewer. GABRIELLE (singing) We wanted ratings growing more not fewer! XENA (singing) So we inserted the subtext. GABRIELLE (singing) With each new season, let it grow. XENA (singing) We touched each other every chance. GABRIELLE (singing) Our smoldering looks grew blatantly. XENA (singing) If we can make life like fanfic... GABRIELLE (singing) With each hurt comes comforting... XENA (singing) Put all our love into a glance! GABRIELLE (singing) Discuss our feelings constantly! BOTH (singing) Religious Right can kiss our ass!
We'll turn the subtext into main!
No reason we can't be in love...
And watch the 'phobes just go insane!

Their bonds let them go and one by one, the boy-of-the-week hooded guys explode. Xena and Gabrielle embrace.

XENA Well. That should be it then, right? GABRIELLE Should be. I love you, Xena. XENA Wonder how we get outta here? GABRIELLE I don't know. Did you hear me? I said, 'I love you, Xena.' XENA Yeah, I heard you -- sort of a catch phrase for you now. Like my 'I have many skills' thing. GABRIELLE (a little hurt) Kinda... XENA Where's the exit? Yo! Portal thing! Open sesame!

Nothing happens.

XENA (cont'd) So what's up with this? I could've sworn we'd covered everything. GABRIELLE Well... there is still that hooded figure floating around...

Xena waves a hand dismissively, not really paying attention to the Hooded Figure. Instead she starts to search for the portal.

XENA Come out, come out, wherever you are! Olley olley oxen free! GABRIELLE Maybe we're stuck here.

Xena looks over at Gabrielle, a worried expression on her face.

XENA You're crying. GABRIELLE (wipes her eyes) I'm just so touched about all this love and tenderness between us. Are you crying? XENA Are you injured? GABRIELLE No. XENA Then I'm not crying. GABRIELLE Oh... okay.

Suddenly, the portal appears. A beautiful sunny landscape shows behind a waterfall. Solan stands alone in the area.

XENA Solan... GABRIELLE Wow... (to Solan) Hey Solan! Is Hope there, too? SOLAN Nope! She's over on the Hercules set. GABRIELLE Oh, okay, I'll see her soon enough, then. (to Xena) C'mon, let's go!

Gabrielle jumps through the water and gives Solan a high five. Xena approaches, puts her hand in and removes it as if the water was acid.

GABRIELLE (cont'd) What's wrong? XENA I... I can't get through. GABRIELLE Of course you can! Hurry! XENA I can't.

Xena looks up at the hooded figure.

GABRIELLE Not to say I told you so, but I'm guessing that hooded figure is playing some part in this. XENA Oh, him? That's just Ming T'ien.

Ming T'ien reveals himself, laughing maniacally.

XENA (cont'd) Get lost, ya bastard. I killed you already. GABRIELLE You did? XENA Yeah. I lied about that. Does that bug you? GABRIELLE Nope. He deserved it. XENA So what's keeping me here?

Ming T'ien grumbles and slinks away, his big scene ruined.

GABRIELLE This is making me really nervous. I hate being separated from you because I love you, Xena. In fact, I'm crying again. Are you crying yet? XENA Nope. GABRIELLE (a little angry) Why not? Always the stoic warrior. Sure, you cry if I'm dying or something, but geez! XENA (realizing) Uh oh. GABRIELLE What? XENA It's me. My warrior 'tude. That's what's holding me back. GABRIELLE Fight it, Xena! Show your emotions! Talk about your feelings! Get vulnerable!

Xena hesitates, then gives Gabrielle a soulful look.

XENA (singing) Yes, I'll cry.
And I'll say I love you, Gabrielle.
I'll talk about my feelings,
everything there is to tell.
In a touchy-feely way,
and I'll do it well.

I've been cold.
Always played the warrior,
strong and bold.
But underneath it all I was a
great big ball of mush.
Now I'm left without an act.
And I'd like to make a pact...

I'm crying, real tears here, got tissues?
I'm feeling, emoting, 'bout issues!
Start up a dialogue, as only you will.
Let's interact, intervene and fulfill
Emote with me and you'll find out
that I'm really just a warrior
with doubt.

Gabrielle is a human waterfall. Xena turns her attention to Solan.

XENA (cont'd) (singing) Hey there, Solan.
I messed up when I held my stupid tongue.
My parenting just sucked, I mean,
it really blew.
Should've nurtured you.
Eh, what can ya do?

Let's emote now.
If only to avoid long therapy.
You'll whine and you'll complain eternally, scarred and sad,
with your deceased dad,
thinking that I'm bad.

Xena lies on a padded couch, Gabrielle pulls out a notebook and quill.

XENA (cont'd) (singing) Let's all emote now!
Communicate and let your feelings show.
I'll be open,
and won't obfuscate!
We'll role play,
and word associate!
That's all we need to do.

Is to start talking, start sharing,
start feeling.
Start hoping, start caring,
start healing.

Say when you feel good, and
say when you feel real bad.
Say when you feel smothered,
codependent or sad.
Just say it and you'll
find out it's true.
That you're okay and I am too!

Gabrielle taps her wrist, indicating time's up and holds out her hand, Xena places a bunch of dinars in it. Suddenly, the waterfall allows her inside. She passes through into Gabrielle's arms.

SOLAN Mother! XENA Hang on a sec, kid. Auntie Gabrielle and I are sharing some quality time here. SOLAN Moooo-therrrrrr! XENA (sternly) Do you need a time out, young man? SOLAN (shuffling feet) No... GABRIELLE It's okay. You can give him a hug, I'll be here. I'll always be here.

Xena smiles at Gabrielle and goes to Solan.

XENA C'mere, ya big, dead, bundle of joy!

They embrace. The camera pulls back and we're:


Xena and Gabrielle pull away from their embrace and stare meaningfully at each other.

GABRIELLE We're... homo. XENA At last. CHORUS We're all home, it's true! It's a wonder we got through!

The Chorus crowds around the two women who sit in the surf.

GABRIELLE Oh look, they can rhyme again. CHORUS We can! Oh man! (they spot some chaise lounges) C'mon, let's all get a tan! XENA Yeah, you do that. We'll be there in a minute.

The Chorus happily runs to the chairs, leaving Xena and Gabrielle alone. Xena examines Gabrielle's face.

XENA (cont'd) All those cuts -- they're gone. Even the hole where the pea hit you. GABRIELLE Thank the gods... XENA Hey, Gabrielle... GABRIELLE Yeah? XENA Just wanted to say... GABRIELLE What? XENA I love you, Gabrielle.

Gabrielle's eyes open wide, as she watches Xena cry.

GABRIELLE Xena... you said 'I love you' first... and you're crying! XENA Yeah. I think there are gonna be a lot of firsts from now on.

They fall back into the surf, but Xena hesitates, grabs her chakram and throws. It bounces off several rock formations then hits all the beach chairs with the Chorus in them, turning each chair away from the ocean view. Smiling, Xena catches her chakram and kisses Gabrielle as we: