PLEASE NOTE: This script has been formatted for optimum viewing at a screen setting of 800x600.


by Joanna

1997 Nov 13



Xena and Gabrielle are painting their names on the great wall when a man stumbles toward them, bleeding and dying.

MAN Xena...

Xena cradles him in her arms.

GABRIELLE ('not this again') Now what? XENA (to man) I'm Xena. Who sent you? MAN I... I'm a messenger. The Quiet One Who Shushes With First Finger sent me... XENA (knowingly) The Librarian... MAN You must... go to the Land Of Rus...

The man dies.

GABRIELLE Huh? No way, Xena! We just blew a year's worth of budget here in Chin. We don't have any money left for more epics! One-set comedies, that's all we can handle. XENA I'll go alone. Then you don't have to be paid -- that should give us some opulent sets and hairy extras. GABRIELLE (sarcastic) Oh, now there's a fine solution. XENA I'm sorry, Gabrielle, but I have to go. I owe a great deal to The Librarian and if she needs me... GABRIELLE Better tell me the whole torrid, horrifying story so that I can get disgusted and betray you. XENA Excuse me? GABRIELLE Sorry, just thinking ahead. So who's this Librarian?



Xena and Gabrielle are the only two people for miles, walking through the Russian steppes.

XENA (mid-story), Gabrielle, this isn't about periodicals. It's about scrolls. GABRIELLE So what happened after you and this guy Dewey did the deed on top of the card catalogue? XENA That's when I met her. The Librarian. She was no stranger to numbers, but she wasn't obsessed with them, like Dewey. No, she was a different sort. Wild and free, putting fiction next to non, biographies with reference, the j's next to the w's -- nothing phased her. Structure, she said, was for the rest of the world. When you can get beyond logical organization, classification, catalogation, tubal ligation -- well, you can perform miracles. Then she zipped through the room two feet off the ground, randomly tossing scrolls onto the shelves. Said it was easier than hauling a ladder around.

Suddenly, a cloud of dust can be seen in the distance. They watch as a weary traveler approaches. Xena strips off her clothes and jumps in a nearby mudhole. Finally, he pulls up his horse.

TRAVELER Most nice greetings to you, Stranger. GABRIELLE Uh... howdy. Hang on a sec.

Gabrielle leans her head into the mud and attempts to pass air to Xena. Unfortunately, Xena is several feet away breathing through a hollow reed. Gabrielle finishes locking lips with a mud turtle and returns her attention to the traveler.

GABRIELLE (cont'd) (to herself) Xena's been eating bugs for lunch again... (to traveler) May I help you? TRAVELER I heard Xena had entered the Land of Rus. GABRIELLE Yeah. I'll sell her to you for thirty dinars. TRAVELER Excusing me? GABRIELLE Okay, twenty-five. But that's my best offer. TRAVELER Um... I be here to return bracer of Quiet One Who Shushes With First Finger. She borrow it ten winters ago. I am not needing to be buying psychopathic warlord today. Maybe later in week, when having paycheck. GABRIELLE Oh. Here, I can give her the bracer.

The traveler hands Gabrielle the bracer and turns around. Xena slowly rises out of the mud, the hollow reed between her teeth, her blue eyes the only color on her filth-covered face.

GABRIELLE (cont'd) (really scared) Uh... Xena? I can explain...

Xena walks right up to Gabrielle, removes the reed and smiles.

XENA Did you know that if you blow just right into these things they play a little tune? Listen!

Xena blows into her hollow reed, playing "In a Gadda Da Vida".

GABRIELLE I take it you didn't hear what went on with the traveler? XENA No, I had mud in my ears. What did he want? GABRIELLE He came to give you this bracer. Said it was from that quiet person.

Xena looks at it, her expression intense.

GABRIELLE (cont'd) What is it? What's wrong? XENA C'mon, we have to hurry.

Xena starts jogging ahead, while Gabrielle gathers up the warrior's discarded clothing.

GABRIELLE (yelling) Don't you want to get dressed first? XENA No time. I'll just be naked until half-way through part two. It's sweeps month.

She jogs off.

GABRIELLE (shouting) Don't worry about me, I'll just wait here! I have absolutely no plans at all to get there first and betray you. None. (she waves) Seeya soon!



Xena slips silently through the stacks, library card in her mouth. She gets on all fours and creeps toward the front desk. Slowly she rises, the card held high when the librarian turns around and -- it's Gabrielle!

to be continued...