PLEASE NOTE: This script has been formatted for optimum viewing at a screen setting of 800x600.



by Joanna

1999 Jan 05


For those who've seen the film "Fargo" or live in the upper Midwest, this parody will make sense (hopefully). If it doesn't, go rent "Fargo" cuz it's a riotous film (violent but a hoot). The important thing to remember with this particular parody is that you need to read it in your best Wisconsin/Minnesota dialect. If you're having trouble with that, purchase an airline ticket on Midwest Express and fly up there hey. Gorgeous country, lotsa snow and the nicest people you'd ever want to meet. Oh, and say hi to Mom for me, willya? Thanks muchly.



Xena and Gabrielle have split up so that Gabrielle can shop and Xena can stand around looking intimidating. Suddenly, Gabrielle runs up to Xena, looking quite upset. [Note: all character voices are to be read in your best Wisconsin/Minnesota "Fargo" impersonation]

GABRIELLE Oh Xena hey! I've been chatting with some of the folks here, and they're just full of the news that some warlord fella is causing just a real ruckus over there in the next village. XENA No kidding hey? So didja get any details or is all you know's it's just a big ruckus? GABRIELLE Just the ruckus thing. But hey, we should probably go over there, doncha think? XENA Oh yah. Yah, we should probably go over there. I mean, gosh, we can't let those poor folks, you know, deal with that sorta thing all by themselves, y'know? GABRIELLE No, that wouldn't be right. Maybe we should go. XENA So do ya wanna ride the horse or...? GABRIELLE Nah, I'll just walk alongside. It's a nice day and all, and I'm kinda fond of walking -- keeps the ole belly from sagging, doncha know -- and it being so nice out and all, I thought maybe I'd walk alongside. XENA Oh yah, it is a nice day, isn't it? Okay then, so you'll walk alongside and I'll just ride in step with ya then. GABRIELLE Okay, sure, that's what we'll do.



Xena and Gabrielle enter a village where there's a melee of looting, fighting, pillaging, raping and other ruckussy things.

XENA Gosh, will ya look at this? GABRIELLE Isn't it just too much to bear? XENA Oh yah. (to Warlord) So hey there, Mr. Warlord sir. Couldja lend me an ear for a second here? DAVE Oh hey there, Xena! Th'name's Dave. XENA Well hey there, Dave. So what's this all about, huh?

He walks over, a big smile on his face.

DAVE Just another day at office. Hey -- it's been quite some time, and I know ya don't, y'know, remember me, it being so long and all. But when I was knee high to a grasshopper, you rode through my village. XENA And ya grew up that fast, didja? What are ya now, maybe 20 or so? DAVE A week or two short of 19, actually, but I got an early start, what with my parents being killed and all way back when. You know -- when you rode through the village and all? XENA Oh, gosh, bet that's been rough on you then, hey? You have my apology and my sympathy. DAVE Thank you. Means a lot, coming from you. XENA Ever met Callisto? You and she, ya got some stuff in common. Both of ya losing family cuz of me and all. DAVE No, never met her, but danged if I haven't heard of her on more than one occasion. So, how is she doing? XENA Passed away, actually. I had to bring about her unfortunate demise, in that she was a tad out of control and everything. DAVE Those are the risks, sadly enough. But hey, on to more pleasant topics, huh? So... what are you doing in these parts, Xena? XENA Well, I was told that there was a warlord here causing quite a ruckus and you have to admit that was the truth and a half! DAVE (smiling) Yah, I'd have to agree with that! XENA So then, we have a bit of a problem here because I've gone hero and all. DAVE No kidding? Isn't that something? Big change of heart is it or just tired of the warlord routine? XENA Change of heart. Anyways, I have to tell ya that I'm frowning at what I'm seeing here. DAVE Yah, that makes a ton of sense, doesn't it? Well, this is a quandary.

Dave spots one of his men talking to a comely lass.

DAVE (cont'd) Hey there, Steve! You might want to get on with raping her, because we've only got so much time here, y'know. STEVE Sorry, Dave! (turns to the girl) So is that all right with you then? GIRL Not so much, no. I'd prefer to just give you all my dinars, or something similar. STEVE Boy, I'd love to help you out, but I have a quota. The bossman there is pretty strict about these things and all. GIRL Oh, well then, you haven't much choice, do ya? STEVE Nope, not much, I'd say. GIRL Okay then.

Dave is looking on and smiles warmly at Steve.

DAVE He's got a lot of energy, has that Steve. And the girl is a looker, no? XENA Yah, she is. Her parents must be crowing. DAVE Yah, you betcha. XENA So anyway, we're going to have to solve this situation here because this is just something I can't have going on, y'know? DAVE Oh yah, I get where you're coming from, I do. XENA So I'm thinking maybe we should fight then, okay? DAVE Okay, but well, I'm just doing my job here, you do get that though, right? XENA Uh huh, but I'm just doing mine too and that puts us at cross-purposes, doncha think? DAVE I do at that. Okay then, do you want to use the swords or maybe start with fists? XENA You know what? I think I'll leave that up to you, seeing as how you were here first and all. Kind of a home field advantage, so to speak. DAVE Well that's mighty neighborly of you! XENA So what'll it be then? DAVE I think maybe we should start with fists and then just go where it takes us, doncha think? I mean, I tend to like a freeform fight, as opposed to a lot of rules. XENA Uh huh. Okay, then. That's settled. Want the first blow? DAVE Oh yah! That's my favorite way to do it, seeing as I'm a warlord and all. XENA That was my thought. DAVE Okay then, here I go.

Dave and Xena get into a major brawl. Gabrielle comes running up, warding off polite thugs with her stick.

GABRIELLE That's gonna raise a welt, doncha think? STEVE (lying on the ground, nursing his head) You betcha it will. GABRIELLE Okay then, who's next?

Another thug takes Steve's place. Meanwhile, Xena and Dave are still fighting tooth and nail. Back to Gabrielle's group, the thug glances at Steve, who's still on the ground.

THUG I'll do it if Steve is sure he's through? STEVE Yah, I'm through here. Gonna pass out, in fact. THUG Okay then. Hope ya feel better later. Don't forget to drink lotsa fluids. (to Gabrielle) Guess it's up to me ta fight ya. GABRIELLE Think we should help Steve there first? He looks kinda green. THUG Nah, that's his natural color. He'll be fine. GABRIELLE Okay, then, if you say so. Shall we go at it maybe? THUG You betcha.

As Gabrielle whacks the thug with her staff, Xena has Dave on the ground, her sword to his neck.

XENA I'm thinking maybe you'll want to call it quits about now, doncha think, Dave? DAVE Yah, I'd say that's a good plan about now. XENA So you'll stop the ruckus? DAVE You betcha. XENA Okay, then. Need a hand or can you stand? DAVE Oh, I could use a smidgen of help, I believe.

Xena extends a hand and helps a woozy Dave to his feet.

XENA Best get'a movin'. DAVE That I will. And hey, it's been a real pleasure seein' ya after all these years. XENA Hope to see you again under better circumstances next time. DAVE Yah, that would be nice. Anyways, I'd best call the guys. XENA Thanks there, Dave. And seeya around. DAVE (waving good-bye) Okee dokee. Buh-bye! (calls to his thugs) That'll be enough, all of ya! Stop the ruckus now, okay? THE THUGS (ad libs) Okay there, Dave!
You betcha, boss!
I think I'm gonna ralph.
Been a pleasure, hasn't it?
Darn tootin'!
Help me up?

Xena approaches Gabrielle, dusting off her hands.

XENA So, Gabrielle, are you okay then? GABRIELLE Oh yah. Fine and dandy. You? XENA Never better. Gosh, it's a nice day out, huh? GABRIELLE Perfect fall day. So you wanna grab something to eat after we treat some wounds and stuff? XENA Great idea. I'm on empty here. GABRIELLE You and me both hey! XENA Let's get to it, then, okay? GABRIELLE You betcha!

And as they go off to treat the wounded, we: