PLEASE NOTE: This script has been formatted for optimum viewing at a screen setting of 800x600.


(A COPS parody)

by Joanna

1999 Jan 21



There is a montage of Xena and Gabrielle beating up people, interacting, taking down warlords, etc.

THEME SONG (sung by The Chorus)

Whatcha gon-
Whatcha gon-
Whatcha gonna do?
When de hero girls done come for you?
Tell me
Whatcha gonna do?
Whatcha gonna do?

Warlords, Warlords,
Whatcha gonna do?
Whatcha gonna do when dey wail on you?
Warlords, Warlords,
Whatcha gonna do?
Whatcha gonna do when dey wail on you?

Nobody come outta dis alive
Xena don't care if you're five
De warlord don't stand a chance
On your graves dese wimmin will dance
hey hey

Warlords, Warlords,
Whatcha gonna do?
Whatcha gonna do when dey wail on you?
Warlords, Warlords,
Whatcha gonna do?
Whatcha gonna do when dey wail on you?
ANNOUNCER (V.O.) HEROES is filmed with the cooperation of Xena and Gabrielle. All warlords are guilty of bad hair and terrible fashion sense.


A handheld camera shows an over the shoulder shot of Xena as she rides Argo. The camera pans from Xena to Gabrielle, to the bushes, the sky, Argo's hoof, Xena's boot, etc. in an almost random pattern. We're not quite sure what we're supposed to be focusing on.

XENA I became a hero when I got my own series. Nobody wanted a show about a psychotic mass murderer, so the timing was perfect. GABRIELLE I believe in love and honor and peace and brightness and flowers and sunshine, so beating bad guys senseless was a natural career move.


XENA I just heard a scream coming from the west. We're going to go check it out.

The camera jiggles maniacally as Gabrielle tries to hop on behind both Xena and the cameraman.

GABRIELLE Hey.. (oof)... move your... that's right. I have to... (grunt)... ouch! Okay, better.


We approach a village where there is a small crowd being beaten up by a warlord and his gang. Blood is spurting, people are screaming, it's murderous mayhem.

XENA That horse tied up at the inn. I think it's stolen. GABRIELLE I'll run the brand.

The warlord turns around and Xena gets a good look at him.

XENA Looks like we've got us a warlord here. GABRIELLE You recognize him? XENA Nah, he's just got really bad teeth.

The warlord spots Xena, jumps on the suspicious horse and takes off.

XENA (shouting) We're in pursuit! Do your thing, Gabrielle.

Gabrielle starts imitating a siren as they chase the warlord.

XENA (cont'd) Okay, we're turning off the main road to the dirt path near the oak tree. Speeds in excess of a fast trot. Turning by the rickety shack onto "Old Woman's Laundry Path, southbound." Okay, he's galloping. There's a turn up ahead, I think he's gonna lose it...

They head for the turn and the warlord gets thrown from his horse. Xena leaps off Argo, with Gabrielle and the cameraman close behind. The warlord is running for all his life.

XENA (cont'd) We're in a foot pursuit! (to warlord) Stop! I am a hero! I'm ordering you to stop!

The warlord continues running until he gets trapped by a dead end made of large boulders, lined by bushes. He turns around to face Xena, looking like a deer in headlights. Xena, sword drawn is pointing it at him in a two-handed stance.


The warlord gets on the ground, but there are rocks everywhere that he could hurl at her.

XENA (cont'd) GET BACK UP AGAIN! (the warlord stands) Let me see your hands! Put'em behind your head -- I said behind your head! (notices that's where his sword is) Wait! Okay, just hold your hands out to your sides, like you're pretending to fly or something. Don't flap them!!! Just hold them out there. Now kick some of those rocks outta the way, but not toward me. Gabrielle, go help him.

Gabrielle and the warlord start clearing up the ground clutter. Gabrielle can't move a really big rock.

GABRIELLE Gimme a hand here, 'kay?

Obligingly, the warlord helps her move it.

GABRIELLE (cont'd) Thanks!

The path is now clear.

XENA (cont'd) Now get on the ground! Not you, Gabrielle! The other guy!

The frightened warlord gets on the ground.

XENA (cont'd) (in a controlled voice) 132 near a bush, I've got him at swordpoint.

Xena walks up and kneels on his back

WARLORD Don't hurt me! XENA I'm not going to hurt you. WARLORD What are you going to do? XENA Kill you. WARLORD Correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm guessing that'll hurt. XENA (beat) Okay, yeah, but if you cooperate, I'll make it quick. Like pulling off a bandage. WARLORD Ouch! XENA I haven't even touched ya yet. WARLORD I know, but pulling off a bandage hurts like the dickens. XENA (losing patience) Fine. I'll slit your throat. That's nothing like pulling off a bandage. WARLORD (brightly) Oh, okay!

Xena slits his throat with her chakram. Everyone (except, of course, the dead warlord) is breathing hard.

GABRIELLE Wow, that was a toughie. XENA Yeah, I thought he was going to get away when he disappeared in those trees back there. GABRIELLE (searching the body) Geez, he had a sword, a knife, an ax and two ounces of some substance. XENA Lemme see that.

Gabrielle hands Xena the small pouch. Xena sniffs it.

XENA (cont'd) Henbane. And that's more than can be used in one batch of nutbread. This guy was either dealing or runs a bakery.

Xena turns to the camera.

XENA (cont'd) When I heard the scream I figured something was going down. We have a lot of trouble in this area with warlords and henbane traffic. When we got to the scene the warlord was enslaving the villagers -- who are probably all dead now because we left the thugs alone with them -- and he had a suspicious horse tied up near him. He saw us and proceeded to mount the suspicious horse. We pursued him until he lost a stirrup going around a corner and then had a foot chase until we managed to trap him up against these rocks. I got him in custody and killed him. Seems he was trafficking in henbane. And I'm pretty sure that horse is stolen. GABRIELLE (examining the horse) Actually, it's his horse. XENA I'm pretty sure it was his horse, but that he was still a really bad guy. GABRIELLE These scum just don't get it. There's a hero around every corner in these parts. They're all gonna get caught sometime. If not by us, then by a rival warlord out for territory. XENA Well, we got another one off the paths. GABRIELLE We sure did! Let's go listen for more screams. XENA You got it. But let's make a dumpling stop first. GABRIELLE (to camera as we fade out) Foot chases make her hungry.