PLEASE NOTE: This script has been formatted for optimum viewing at a screen setting of 800x600.



by Joanna

1998 Apr 21



The show is in progress. Other guests, all looking sullen and ready to fight, sit on stage.

JERRY Thank you, Shauntee, Clovis, Jane, Urethra and Billy Bob. Next up, a woman who was dragged behind a horse by her lover! Don't go away.

Getting set for the next segment, a small blonde in a BGSB comes on stage. The audience whoops and hollers at her outfit. The woman carries a fighting staff, looking confused at all the whooping. Tentatively, she waves to the crowd.

JERRY (cont'd) And we're back. Today we're exploring couples who solved their problems by singing to each other. Our next guest is Gabrielle of Poteideia. Talk to us, Gabrielle. Tell us why you're here. GABRIELLE Well... I've been traveling with this warrior and we had a falling out-- JERRY A falling out? Can you describe it for us? GABRIELLE I got knocked up by a demon and she wanted me to kill my baby-- AUDIENCE Whoop whoop whoop!!! JERRY She? AUDIENCE Whoop whoop whoop!!! GABRIELLE Uh huh. Anyway, I was angry and-- JERRY She, as in your (makes quote signs with fingers) 'traveling companion' is a woman? AUDIENCE Whoop whoop whoop!!! GABRIELLE Am I not speaking Greek here? Yes. So anyway, when she started telling me about Lao Ma, I asked the god of war to send me to Chin so I could betray her and get her executed. JERRY Hold on! Lao Ma? Is she also a 'traveling companion'? GABRIELLE No, more like a teacher, sort of. JERRY Sort of? C'mon, tell us the truth. GABRIELLE They were lovers. AUDIENCE Whoop whoop whoop!! JERRY Let me guess -- the two of them were doing the wild thing while you were still a couple, right? AUDIENCE Whoop whoop whoop!!! GABRIELLE Um... no. She was with Lao Ma, maybe, ten winters ago or so. We've been together for about three winters. JERRY But you were still upset? GABRIELLE Yeah. I mean, I never get angry when she has boyfriends -- at least, not enough to get her executed. But she really loved this woman. JERRY She has boyfriends? GABRIELLE Uh huh. Sometimes. JERRY Was this in the past too? GABRIELLE No, it happens about once a season. AUDIENCE Whoop whoop whoop!!! GABRIELLE But I do, too, so I guess neither of us really cares that much. I mean, we always come back to each other. AUDIENCE Whoop whoop whoop!!! GABRIELLE Why are those people doing that? JERRY They're just reacting to what you're saying. GABRIELLE Shouldn't they be throwing dinars on the stage? That's what people do back home when they like a story. JERRY You can have diner later. (to the audience) Let's bring out Gabrielle's lover and see what she has to say! Come on out, Xena!

A tall, striking warrior in leather and brass walks confidently onto the stage. The audience goes nuts at the sight of her.

AUDIENCE Whoop whoop whoop!!! JERRY Hello, Xena. XENA Jerry. JERRY Gabrielle betrayed you in some place called Chin. How did that make you feel? XENA I was okay with it. I was angry at first, but I didn't hate her. After all, she did scratch my nose. JERRY (has no idea what this means) What? Why? XENA It was itchy. Anyway, once I got the board off my neck, I felt a lot better. URETHRA See? She had a board on her neck too! I *bleep*ing told you that was some nasty *bleep*. BILLY BOB Oh shut your *bleeping bleep bleep bleep* URETHRA *bleep bleep bleep* AUDIENCE Whoop whoop whoop!! GABRIELLE Xena? What are they saying? XENA Whoop. Whoop. Whoop. GABRIELLE I meant those other people. The ones rolling on the floor pulling each other's hair out. XENA Oh. I believe one is a warlord and the other is his concubine. I think they're talking business. JERRY All right, All right. Xena. You dragged her behind your horse. What were you thinking? XENA Technically, it wasn't my horse. Argo wouldn't have dragged her, so I had to borrow an Amazon mount. AUDIENCE Whoop whoop whoop!!! JERRY And we all know what Amazons mount! XENA (puzzled) Yees... horses. AUDIENCE Whoop whoop whoop!!!

Xena looks at Gabrielle who shrugs.

JERRY After you dragged her, you tried to throw her off a cliff? XENA Uh huh. JERRY Why? What would make you do that? XENA She told her demon-child where my son was hiding and then Hope killed him. But later, Solan formed Illusia and sent us there to make up. We sang a lot and everything was better.

Gabrielle possessively grabs Xena's hand and holds it.

GABRIELLE I love you, Xena. XENA I love you, too, Gabrielle. JERRY Okay, we'll be right back to find out what they sang to make everything all better.

The cameras stop rolling and Jerry approaches Xena and Gabrielle. Quietly, he talks to them.

JERRY (cont'd) We're going to need you to break into a spontaneous cat fight when we get back. If you could slap at each other and pull some hair, rip off your shirts, er, upper... clothing, that sort of thing, we might be able to save this duller than dirt segment. XENA We brought weapons. JERRY Yeah, well, I'm not into being sued, so that's not a good idea. No, we just need you to fight enough so that our stagehands have to tear you apart. Oh, and shout at each other. We'll bleep it all later, so it doesn't matter what you say. Most of the bleeping isn't over swear words anyway. We just like to make it seem like it is. GABRIELLE I don't want to fight Xena. I love her. JERRY Look. We need the fight. We can't have guests who don't go at it, understand? XENA It's okay, Gabrielle. Leave it to me. GABRIELLE Okay. JERRY And we're back! So Xena, Gabrielle -- the singing. Rock? Pop? Rap? GABRIELLE Illusian. JERRY I'm unfamiliar with that. Did it start in Seattle? URETHRA You pig-headed *bleep bleep* never sang no Alloozhum *bleep bleep* to me! BILLY BOB Oh, like you know *bleep bleep* 'bout Loozhan *bleeeeep*!

Xena stands, withdraws her sword and kills Urethra and Billy Bob.

XENA You wanted fighting, you got it. GABRIELLE I think the other warlord is gonna behave now.


Clovis, Shauntee, and Jane stand in mid-hair-pull, in mute shock, staring at the two bodies.

XENA Yeah. So are we done here? JERRY (shaken) Um... yeah. T-tune in t-tomorrow f-f-for... uh... another show. My f-final th-thought is... to get the hell outta here as fast I *bleep*ing can

The cameras go off.

XENA If you're in a hurry, I can give you a lift, Jerry. I have my horse and a length of rope...

Jerry runs from the room. As do the audience and the others on stage.

AUDIENCE Eep Eep Eep!!!

Xena and Gabrielle are left alone.

GABRIELLE I wonder what that was about. XENA I dunno. Went pretty well, though, doncha think? GABRIELLE Yup. I have no idea why Ephiny told us not to come on this show. XENA You know how people are about women who gave birth to centaurs and the equines who love them. She probably didn't like getting whooped at. GABRIELLE Maybe so. Hey, let's go find Jerry and drag him around the parking lot. XENA Good idea.

They exit as we: