DISCLAIMER: Xena, Gabrielle, Ephiny, Solari and Epony belong to Renaissance Pictures and MCA/Universal. The clichés belong to fanfic writers everywhere, gods bless 'em.
WARNING: If you find yourself bothered by large tracts of clichés without any real purpose (or you aren't old enough to read about love and what mommys and mommys do when they're in love) then go read some real fanfic.
WHAT IS THIS STUPID THING? There is a list of altfic clichés written by bongo bear and after reading it, I decided to challenge myself. My goal was to use every single cliché listed -- in two pages or less. Knowing that my bardly reputation would surely suffer, pretend it's some other screen name used as the author. (oh, like the person who wrote all those memos to Batsky wasn't capable of this kind of foolishness. Sheesh. Bards. What can you do?)
For the Love of Clichés
The torchlight shone as Xena and Gabrielle gazed in rapt fascination at the Amazon dancers. It was the annual "Amazons Are Dancing Babes" Festival and an opportunity for a much needed rest for the two travelers who had just had a huge trauma. Having run out of huts, the Amazons had put the two visitors up in a nearby cave, which happened to house a natural hot tub, complete with scented soap.
"I'm getting tired," said Gabrielle, looking at Xena as if for the first time. Wow, she thought, I think I feel 'that way' about her. Never realized it before.
"Let's get some sleep," said Xena. I wish she felt 'that way' about me, thought the warrior. I've felt 'that way' about her forever.
As the two women left the festival, Ephiny, Solari, Epony, and a bunch of Amazons made up especially for this story, watched them depart.
"They sure feel 'that way' about each other," said Ephiny to a round of knowing nods. Even those Amazons who'd never met Xena and Gabrielle, and had only heard their names mentioned once in passing, could tell they felt 'that way'.
Upon entering the cave, Xena turned to Gabrielle. "I'd like another bath. I know we had eight of them already today, but I feel grungy. It's a warrior thing. Care to join me?" Xena knew it was just another excuse to see the bard naked and soapy, but it was worth a shot.
"Sure," said Gabrielle, tingling all over the darn place. Gosh, I love being naked and soapy with Xena, she thought. It makes me tingly all over the darn place.
"Would you mind helping me take off my armour, piece by piece, in loving detail?" asked Xena.
"Only if you'll linger over removing my BGSB," said Gabrielle.
Three hours later, they were finally undressed. Into the coincidentally-formed natural hot tub they went. Both women soaped each other, washed each other's hair, felt all sorts of tingling awareness, thought lotsa forbidden thoughts, and just generally got very clean.
Gabrielle laid out their bedrolls side by side because they had started sleeping together a long time ago, to combat the cold, and really liked the closeness, though neither of them had ever made any moves because Xena was afraid her darkness would emerge and hurt Gabrielle some day and Gabrielle was virginal and clueless even though she was married to Purd, who it turns out couldn't consummate their short marriage because it was his time of the month -- or at least that's what he'd told her. In truth, he was just a weenie.
Gabrielle glanced up at Xena, who was standing nude and dripping from the hot tub. "Xena... I... I love you."
"I love you, too, my little bard, my love, my heart, my sweet, my darling, my Gab, my Gabby, my Gabrielle."
Shyly, cuz she was so virginal, Gabrielle reached up to kiss Xena. Immediately, Xena took over, picking up Gabrielle and placing her on the blankets. With one finger, she lifted Gabrielle's face to hers and said, "Are you sure?"
"Oh yes," said the bard, already pumping away with her hips.
"You're sure sure?"
"Really, surely sure sure, cross your heart with a cherry (no pun intended) on top in a sure sorta sureness?"
"Yes. I love you, you big, dumb warrior," she breathed as she climaxed three times without even having been touched yet.
"And I love you. We'd better have sex."
So they did in loving detail with all sorts of swollen buds, folds, lips, throbbing centers, flash flood warnings and so on. Gabrielle caught onto things instantly, while the stamina-filled Xena went on a marathon pleasure session, which included pre-Mycenean sex toys that Xena knew how to use extraordinarily well. It was the best sex anyone on the face of the planet throughout history and on into the future, had ever had. Luckily, two passing Amazons did not hear the moans and cries and screams of ecstasy because the cave walls were thick.
Although Xena, who had a broken leg from the recent trauma -- an injury that hurt a lot -- felt so comforted she could've gone at it all night, Gabrielle fell asleep instantly. After holding her in her arms and marveling about this amazing love they'd finally shared, Xena woke Gabrielle, who was ravenous with hunger.
"Luckily I'm more experienced," said Xena, handing Gabrielle a five course meal.
"I sure am a satisfied, happy little bard," cooed Gabrielle.
"Ready for more?" asked Xena and they both knew that the warrior would always be willing to go at it like a rabbit no matter what else was going on, which made Gabrielle one satisfied, happy little bard.
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