Disclaimers: The characters of Xena, Gabrielle and Joxer belong to MCA/Universal and Renaissance Pictures. I use them for fun and not for profit. If the concept of two women making love is illegal where you live, if you are under age or if it bothers you, you should either move to another place, wait until you grow up or you should not be on this altfic-site altogether.

Please mail (constructive) comments to se590352@12move.nl

I was inspired by Beowulf, The Back-up Plan for this story. Thanks.

Getting rid of Joxer

By Annaria

"He doesn't get it, does he?" Gabrielle said sofly, with an exasperated sigh as Joxer disappeared into the woods surrounded by his usual noise of stumbling, breaking branches and falling pots and pans. And with a self satisfied grin on his intelligent face.

"No, I'm afraid he never will," Xena said. "I think you are too subtle."

"I am getting tired of it!" the blonde cried. "We are going to have to think of something more drastic."

"Gabrielle, the man has a good heart. And he has lost it to you," Xena said. And he is not the only one around here, she thought.

"I know he has a good heart, but I don't want it. I'm just afraid to break it." She said, prolonging the metaphor.

"Then he'll never get it," Xena said. "Unless…"

"Unless what?"

"Unless he thinks you have been spoken for."

"Who could we ask to do that? He would never believe it if it were someone I am… not going to live with. And I definitively don't want to leave you."

"I could speak for you," the Warrior said, taking a decision. "He won't ever contest me and we could continue our travels together. Besides, half the known world already thinks we are lovers." I wish it were true.

"They do? And would you? Oh, Xena, that's a great idea!"

Yeah, and a real test for me too. How will I ever stop when I kiss those gorgeous lips after Joxer gets the message? Gabrielle will be just as fed up with me as she is with Joxer now if I don't. Anyway, that one kiss will be worth it. "Okay," she said.

"Oh, Xena, I feel so relieved," Gabrielle said. "This will surely work. And it comes in handy we can always hear him approach." She giggled.

Xena was glad to see her bard's spirits lifted.

"Next time he comes to bother us, you take me into your arms and kiss me passionately, alright?"

"Right," Xena swallowed. This could very well be my only chance to ever kiss Gabrielle while I am in my own body.

"Do you think we need to practice?" Gabrielle asked. She was getting enthusiastic.

"No, I don't think so," Xena managed to say. GODS!

"I wish he would come back right now!" Gabrielle could hardly wait.

So would I. But Xena had an uneasy feeling in her stomach.

Although they travelled fast, it didn't take long for Joxer to find them again; he always seemed to get into their way. And as usual, they could hear him approach from miles away. It gave the two women plenty of time to find a suitable position. They tried with Gabrielle leaning into a tree, but Gabrielle felt that looked too much as though Xena were pushing herself onto the blonde. Next they nervously tried the other way round, but then Gabrielle could not reach. They giggled and finally decided to sit down on a tree trunk with the bard wrapped into Xena's arms.

Gods I am nervous! Xena thought. They did not kiss until Joxer bounced into their camp. Then Xena tenderly claimed Gabrielle's soft lips and did not dare breathe. Oh, this is sooo good!

Gabrielle moaned quietly.

"Oh hi, you guys!" Joxer blurted out. "I was wondering what was for dinner today."

After a long moment Xena broke the kiss reluctantly. She swallowed. "Joxer, can't you see we are in the middle of something here?" she said angrily and with a shaking voice.

"What's wrong with Gabrielle?" the big oaf asked. The blonde did look rather shaken.

"Joxer, Xena and I…" the bard was at an uncharacteristic loss for words.

"Joxer, Gabrielle and…" Xena tried but she could not trust her voice at the moment.

Joxer interrupted them. He obviously assumed Xena had been comforting the smaller woman. "Okay, I know when I'm not wanted. I don't want to meddle in this woman's stuff. I will leave this to you, Xena. I'll come back when you two have sorted out your problems!" and he happily left the camp.

It was, once again, lucky he made so much noise as he went, for the women burst out in shrieks of laughter. That broke the awkward silence that hung between the two, as they struggled with their emotions.

"I guess we will have to be a bit more obvious," Xena said. Oh Gods!

"Hmm…" answered the bard. "Like how obvious?"

"Next time, when we hear him come, we hit the bedrolls. He has to understand that." Oh la la! This might prove to be too much for the old Warrior's heart….

"Okay, if that's what it takes," Gabrielle murmured. She did not dare look at Xena.

Before the next time Joxer showed up, they took time to prepare exactly what they would do. It was - was it a coincidence? - dinnertime on a cold day. The stew was boiling over a blazing fire. When they heard him approach, Gabriele quickly took the stew away from the fire and rolled out the blankets, while Xena removed her armour.

Joxer looked around the camp and found the two women under the covers, Gabrielle's lithe frame stretched out on top of Xena, the Warrior's strong arms wrapped around her. Joxer, go away! This is soo good. I want this to last forever, Xena thought. She was afraid her heart pounded so loud that Joxer could hear it.

"Oh there you are!" Joxer called out when he spotted them. "It is mighty cold, isn't it? I'll come and warm you guys." He removed his excuse for an armour and stretched alongside the two women…

With a frustrated sigh, Gabrielle got up from her breathtaking spot, put on a cloak and returned to the stew.

When Xena had regained her composure (and her armour), she said: "Joxer, we have to talk."


"Let's take a walk."


When they had reached sufficient distance to the camp, Xena said: "Joxer, I have something to tell you. I am in love with Gabrielle."

"So am I," the would-be warrior said. "Gee! You are too?"

"Yes. And she is in love with me." I wish.

"Oh, no, Xena, she is in love with me!"

"No, Joxer, she isn't. Trust me." At least that's the truth.

"I don't believe you, Xena. You can be wrong, you know!"

"Suit yourself," she sighed. I give up.

They returned to camp, where dinner was pretty much ready. Xena threw Gabrielle an apologising look and slightly raised her shoulders in defeat. Gabrielle smiled a "thanks anyway" at her and they ate their dinner pretending not to notice Joxer's conceited remarks. They continued their little charade however, touching hands and exchanging meaningful looks. Of course Joxer didn't notice any of it, which challenged the two women to make it still more obvious. They broke down in giggles every so often. Gods, how I love this woman, Xena thought. And Joxer go away. But Joxer obviously planned to stay the night.

He spread his bedroll next to Gabrielle's. He'd better not touch her, Xena thought. I will have to kill him. But luckily he didn't. And luckily he decided to split the next morning. When he was well out of the way and the two women were on theirs, Xena apologised again.

"I'm sorry Gabrielle; he just does not want to know. I was very unambiguous to him."

"Don't worry Xena, we will just have to be a bit more explicit. Besides, I had a terrific time last night."

Swallow "Yes, so did I!" Still more explicit?!

The next time they heard him approach, Gabrielle prepared the bedrolls, urged Xena to take off her armour and, to the warriors great shock, removed her own top. Oh gods oh gods oh gods. Xena didn't dare look at the bard's perfect breasts.

"Xena , wouldn't it be much more convincing if you removed your leathers too?" Gabrielle asked. "He won't see anything, I'll make sure to cover your breasts with mine and with both hands if I need to." Oh gods oh gods oh gods!

There was not much time. Xena swallowed hard, undressed and lay down. Gabrielle slid her delicious body over Xena's soft skin and pulled a blanket halfway over them. SIGH… True to her promise, she covered Xena's hard nipples with her small hands. This must be Elysia! When Joxer broke into their camp he saw the nude blonde passionately kiss the naked dark warrior, who responded in kind. Both were panting. There was no mistaking this. He opened his mouth to speak, but then thought better of it and retreated "quietly". He had, after all, his pride.

"He's gone, Gabrielle," Xena said many moments later, when she had finally recovered her speech. But Gabrielle made no move to get up and continued kissing the warrior.

"He may still be watching," she whispered against Xena's lips. That sounded convincing, so Xena allowed her to caress her breast and the Warrior was on the verge of loosing it.

"But…" she tried.

"He might still come back," the bard muttered between kisses. "Besides, I like this, don't you?"

Oh gods, help me! When she opened her mouth to say uhmm … anything at all, she felt Gabrielle's tongue slid into her mouth and she knew she was lost.

When Gabrielle finally broke the kiss again, Xena asked: "Do you think he got the message?"

"I think so," Gabrielle lowered her mouth to where her hand had been playing. "The question is now: did YOU?"

The end

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