Copyright © 2009 A.Matheson.  All Rights Reserved.

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by Antonia Matheson

Part eight: Hold your tongue


Megan’s face hadn’t changed much in the last forty-eight hours, Jess was beginning to think she needed to do something about it.

“I’m gonna slap you so hard if you don’t cheer the fuck up!”

“Oh, yeh, cos that’s gonna fill me with joy!” Meg glared.

“Are we still on the same mood, or what? Everyone else has forgotten about it… The party’s still on, you’re only semi in the dog house…”

Meg ripped off the make-up bib she was wearing and swivelled round in her chair to meet Jess face to face, instead of via the mirror, which was disconcerting. She looked at her in irritation.

“She’s not here… did you notice? She didn’t come.”

“Meg, practically NO-ONE came, there are enough frikkin cameras around… they’re probably just gonna take the tape of the show, like they did with the other one.”

“Well she sends prick-head Joshua… I mean, does she want me to sock him one?”

“Grow up Megan.”

Meg gave her a short laugh on the edge of hysteria, “You’re telling ME to grow up? Oh, this is great,” she sighed, “I must be in real trouble…” she got up and left the room leaving a bemused make-up artist in her wake.

Jess unusually apologised on Meg’s behalf and followed her, noting she was trailing a stupid bib and getting rid of it in irritation.

“Hey! Don’t just walk away, that’s fucking rude.”

Meg stopped and turned around.

“I wanted to see her today, y’know? I want to apologise, and I can’t do that if she’s not here, and her not being here feels kinda weird, don’t you think?”

Jess looked at her, in thought, and then nodded.

“Yeh. I know what you mean. But you know, I don’t really see why you have to apologise to her first, I mean, she wasn’t very nice back…”

Meg gulped, and turned to lean against the corridor wall. It was a well-cooled, light and airy studio, in contrast to where they usually played. Meg took a cool breath.

“No, I definitely owe her the apology. A lifetime’s worth in fact.”

Jess didn’t ask, however much she wanted to know. She knew there was a lot more to Meg and Kirstin’s relationship than met the eye. She also knew that Meg’s attraction to Kirstin was the least of Meg’s worries. At the moment however it was the sticking point in the strange little liaison they had because it prevented Meg from just saying sorry. She tried to push it out of her.

“Well then, why can’t you just phone her up and say ‘sorry Kirstin, I’m a real fool I get drunk/stoned/high and I don’t know what I’m saying half the time, even Jess thinks I’m kipper’?”

Meg was used to Jess’s odd turns of phrase, and it failed to provoke even a flicker of amusement.

“I can’t.” Meg looked up at her like a little kid, “I go to dial the number, and…” she shook her head.

“Baby, she ain’t gonna bite your head off… she’s usually quite polite…” she regarded Meg’s slumped form. “Look, just come to the party tonight, grab a hold of her and tell her, get it over and done with, in person. Then take a couple of lines and have a laugh about it, okay?”

“I’m not really sure I’m exactly invited…” Meg mumbled.

“Sure you fucking are! Don’t be soft! What are you going to do, avoid her for the rest of the tour because you accused her of being straight?”

Meg scrunched up her face.

“I accused her of being bi…”

“Is that better or worse?”

“I don’t know!” Meg half squealed.

“Maybe she is bi…”

“Exactly! And now I made a big deal out of it, when really it isn’t.”

Jess had to start laughing, but Meg’s face made her stop.

“You really like her?” she said soberly.

Meg nodded, “I really like her. And I’m a fuck-up Jess, you know that.”

“Then apologise, and don’t sleep with her, and you’ll be fine.”

Well that sounds a little too simple.

At that very moment Josh found his way into the corridor.

“Thank God! Ladies, your presence is requested. Urgently.”

Meg didn’t look at him, she left Jess to talk.

“Oh shit, thanks Josh. C’mon… you,” she eyed Meg warning her to be nice.

Meg rolled her eyes but nodded in agreement, no sense making things worse.

They squeezed past him and through the door. Unfortunately, despite Meg’s desire to keep their meeting brief, she managed to stand right on Josh’s big left toe along the way. He was wearing sandals.

“Ouch, fuck!” He glared at her, clearly thinking she had done it on purpose and holding his foot up in pain.

She looked at him, unable in the two seconds that passed to actually formulate the words ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to…’ before she realised it wouldn’t make any difference. She stalked off instead.

Yes, same shitty mood. Whatever. Can’t do anything right.

She would have to try to shake the mood off though, because it would only be a few more hours until she would be face to face with him again.


Just a moment - a party full of

The doorbell rang again and Josh announced that he’d go get it. He tripped over the patio door hinge and stumbled back through the apartment, beer in hand.

It was seven weeks to the day since they’d all set off on tour together, and in another five days they’d be heading over the pond to start the European side, beginning in London. Kirstin had promised a party, and she sure knew how to throw one. People weren’t expecting her to open up her home to them however. In fact, it shocked Kirstin herself. But something told her it made sense. She had the space and she could always charge the cleaning bill. Anyway, she wanted Barbequed meat.

Most people were beginning to realise Kirstin wasn’t quite the stickler for rules she liked to make out, and in fact she was just as avid a partier as any of them. She drank, she smoked, she flirted, and she didn’t ask questions when people disappeared upstairs to her room for what were quite obviously illegal activities. Of course both Josh and Suze knew her quite well, but it took a few little hints on Kirstin’s behalf for people to realise that she was cool with it.

Josh giggled to himself at the thought as he flipped the latch and opened the front door. His smile rapidly fell into a frown as he realised who had come knocking.

“What do YOU want?” the antipodean blurted a little annoyed.

He was still stinging from some of the remarks he’d overheard, and the stamp on his foot, not to mention the fact that he was more than a little protective of Kirstin.

Meg stood there arrogantly. She held up the beer she had brought and answered sarcastically, “What does it look like?” Drop the mood, drop the mood! Fuck.

Josh couldn’t believe her, ”You’ve gotta be kidding me?!”

Meg held his eye contact, “No.”

“Do you think I’m stupid?” asked Josh.

“No, I think you’re Australian,” Meg smirked. Gee gosh why do you have to be so pig-headed Megan? “Now can I come in?”

Josh stood firmly in the doorway preventing her passage.

“No,” he said.

“Why not?” she asked, knowing she wouldn’t let herself in right now either.

Josh snarled at her, “You KNOW why not.”

“Look, I’m sorry about what I said okay?” She didn’t exactly sound sorry. “And I didn’t mean to tread on your foot… not that you’d believe me…”

Kirstin had just been heading to the kitchen when she overheard part of the conversation.

Meg hadn’t arrived with Ben and Jess earlier, and for a short while she had contemplated calling her to ease the air between them. She had been trying hard to avoid thinking about the recent revelations she’d had involving Meg in a new romantic context. She certainly couldn’t explore them, and she had no idea if she should even broach the subject with Meg herself. Finding a sense of normality seemed the most important thing right now.

She listened in for a moment before shouting down the corridor to Josh.

“Josh it’s okay, let her in.”

Josh turned around frowning, “You sure?”

Kirstin sighed, “Yeh. This party needs livening up anyway.”

She dropped off some cans into the waste bin and grabbed a cool beer from the sink that had been filled with ice. Cracking it open she turned to climb the stairs towards the loft rooms.

Meg was looking at Josh, a little nervously, having judged Kirstin’s attitude towards her.

“You heard the lady,” she said, trying to maintain her composure.

Kirstin stopped halfway up the stairs remembering that she hadn’t forgotten Megan’s comments. She couldn’t help shouting an afterthought to Josh, “Just make sure everything is nailed down.” It was added purely for Meg’s ears, in case she thought her admittance to the party was a signal that she had been forgiven. No matter what other thoughts Kirstin had developed over the last couple of days, she still thought Meg had behaved very badly.

Meg, who was already feeling highly strung, finally cracked.

“Go fuck yourself!” she shouted past Josh to Kirstin.

Kirstin just shook her head, “Funny, I thought that was your job?!” she answered. What does that even mean Kaye? She fucks herself? Grow up!

Meg began to turn and head back down the apartment stairs.

“Fuck this!” she hissed, more cross at herself than anything else. “This was a bad idea…”

Kirstin shook her head at Meg’s sheer stubbornness, and her own off-handedness.


She was surprised Meg had turned up, and almost admired her arrogance, yet Meg just couldn’t handle the pressure.

She headed back towards the door and shouted past Josh, “Use your head Megan.” Meg paused at the top of the stairs, her back to her. “If you want to come in, then do. If you don’t, then fuck off. But at least think about the consequences of both those actions first.”

Meg’s face was like thunder, not that Kirstin or indeed Josh could see. She remained there for a few seconds, concentrating on breathing and resigning herself to the fact the she really wanted to see Kirstin, and that if she was going to apologise then she had to do it sooner rather than later, even if that meant she had to suffer this humiliation first.

Kirstin turned and headed back into the apartment to resume her climb upstairs.

Having managed to compose herself slightly Meg turned around and pushed past Josh, staring at him menacingly as she did so.

“Get a haircut,” she spat trying to get the upper hand.

Josh merely sniffed at her and acted out his pain at the comment, not unlike Meg had done a few nights earlier.

“Pathetic,” he said as she cornered into the kitchen to deposit her beer.


Suze had followed Kirstin up the stairs and out onto the balcony that extended from the spare room. It overlooked the shared patio decking which was filled with people they both more or less recognised.

“You sure you want her here?” Suze asked as she caught Kirstin watching Meg make her way over to what was probably some of the few people likely to give her the time of night.

“Oh fuck off, not you too?” she moaned wearily back.

Suze held her hands up in protest, “Hey, hey, I’m here for you! I just don’t want anything to turn ugly is all.”

“Yeh, well, who knows, maybe she has some apologies to hand out?” Kirstin raised her brow and widened her eyes indicating she very much doubted it.

She turned and headed back into the room.

“You want some?” offered Kirstin, heading over to a side table and opening up the box with her stash in it.

“Sure, sure why not,” Suze said.


Kirstin spent most of the rest of the night lounging downstairs half playing truth or dare with Josh, Suze, and some of the guys from the crew. They were only half playing in the sense that the rules seemed rather lax and often conversations veered so far off course they had to remind themselves they were even playing a game.

Laura and Adie had joined them briefly, but a small home truth had fuelled some passion between them and they’d been hiding out in the darkness of the kitchen for some time now, much to Kirstin’s delight.

Leading up to their departure had been a tense moment, she had to admit. Truth or dare either brought people closer together or pushed them further apart it seemed. Sometimes Kirstin thought it had a tendency to bring people further together or closer apart. But that might just be the drugs thinking.

“Who was the first girl you ever had a dirty thought about?”

Great question, Kirstin had thought. Worked well for girls or boys in this current circle of players. Not really looking forward to answering it, however.

It was Adie’s turn. She took a breath.

“Laura,” she stated.

Laura looked at her, “Really?” she asked incredulously.


Laura’s eyes shone a little more. “But I thought Carrie Riggs was like your first, you know, thing?”

Adie nodded. “She was,” then lowered her voice a little, “but if we’re talking about thoughts, not deeds, then I met you before anything ever happened with Carrie…”

Laura gulped. Kirstin couldn’t believe that after ten years of being together Adie hadn’t mentioned that she’d clearly had a crush on Laura from the second she’d seen her. But then again, didn’t we often have to explain the obvious to people we assumed would know?

Laura’s eyes filled up slightly. She gazed at Adie with a fondness that Kirstin hadn’t seen before. She was perfectly unaware of the rest of the room. Adie, it seemed, wasn’t. She was clearly a little embarrassed at the pubic admission and let her head hang suddenly when she realised everyone was staring at her for being soppy. Laura leaned over and kissed her with such affection Kirstin felt a slight sting behind her own eyes. The girls in the group sighed audibly and the boys shuffled a bit, not sure whether they were allowed to be turned on or not.

Kirstin just laughed, “Get a room!” she blurted, standing up to spin the bottle. The game continued with everyone ignoring the apparent moment they were sharing.

Adie smiled at her reward as Laura looked at her lovingly.

“Is that true?” Laura whispered.

“Yes!” Adie nodded again. “Softball match in eleventh grade. My year played against the school team, you were pitcher.”

“Really? I don’t remember that? I was catcher…” Laura shook her head.

“Yeh but Moaning Monica had twisted her ankle…”

“Oh yeh, I DO remember that!” Laura said, her eyes widening slightly.

“So you had to pitch. I couldn’t take my eyes off you, missed every ball,” she said quietly.

Laura laughed in sheer delight. By that point they had been closed out of the game anyway. They looked at each other intensely almost coming nose to nose. Laura sidled closer and breathed into Adie’s ear, “I want to kiss you properly.”

Adie’s breathing quickened as the air brushed past her ear. She bit her lip. “You want to go someplace?” she whispered back. Laura nodded slowly but strongly.

Adie stood up gripping Laura’s hand tightly and then dragged her off around the corner in search of a more private place.

It seemed they didn’t make it much past the kitchen pantry as Kirstin later found out when she went to get another beer.

Kirstin was glad she hadn’t had to answer that particular question herself, even though on the surface it did seem fairly lame. Suze and Josh had both left the game and she excused herself not long afterward. Having discovered Adie and Laura in the larder, “Sorry guys, as you were…” she headed upstairs to find a buddy.

The stairway and the hallway were pretty full of people, some of whom where in what appeared to be a queue for the bathroom, the rest seemed to be keeping them company. Traditional, she thought. Either way it made for hard legwork to reach the top. She made polite conversation as she went.

As usual Josh was about three paces away from Suze. She avoided them to give them some space. It was fairly dark because of the sheer amount of bodies that were blocking most of the available light. But no-one was complaining since it was easier on the eyes.

As she was just about to turn up the second length of steps to her room she collided with someone evidently returning from the spare room.

“Hey,” Meg said a little awkwardly and a lot more humbly than she had spoken earlier that night.

“Hey,” Kirstin answered with a touch of apprehension.

There was a short pause. Meg looked a little lost, “Thanks for…” she aimlessly waved her hands around gesturing, searching for the right phrase.

“Letting you in?” Kirstin pointed out.

Meg nodded. “Yes. I came for a reason.”

“Really?” Kirstin was finding it hard to hold off her sarcasm.

Meg tried to ignore it, “I wanted to apologise… for Saturday. I shouldn’t have said all that shit… I’m sorry.”

She looked really nervous and suddenly Kirstin felt a little sorry for her.

“But you meant it right?” she asked anyway.

“I shouldn’t have said it,” Meg repeated.

Kirstin calmly asked again, “But you meant it?”

Meg had to admit it was futile to pretend that she wanted to take it all back. She didn’t. But she was sorry she had said it.

“No. Not all of it.”

Kirstin appreciated her honesty, “Okay… so what bits did you mean?” she asked, resigned to the fact that this conversation was going to have to take place, and here was as good a place as any.

Meg faltered, “Um…” she was conscious of the public nature of their conversation, but reasoned that nobody had actually noticed them yet. She continued, “I meant it when I said that you shouldn’t be with that dumb ass John Boy just to prove a point. You deserve better.”

Kirstin laughed, glad at least that Meg was finally talking properly to her, even if she was mistaken.

“Okay… well what bit didn’t you mean?”

Meg seemed to try to say something. She was actually considering how it might sound out loud.

“I… don’t hate you,” she said finally.

Kirstin looked at her. She was reminded of the day they had sat together in the diner when the tables were reversed and she had been apologising to Meg.

Just then someone squeezed past them in the corridor pushing Meg a little closer to Kirstin. They were both happy to realise it was no-one they knew very well.

They turned back to face one another.

Kirstin thought Meg looked as though she wanted to say more, but she failed to. “Right,” said Kirstin, “Well, thank you for your honesty. Can I just say that next time you feel the need to say some things you mean and some that you don’t, that there’s no need to do it at the top of your lungs, in the middle of a room full of people that I know?”

She smiled good-humouredly. She wanted Meg to know that she had accepted her apology, but also infer that it was as much the public nature of the argument as it was the things that had been said that had upset her.

Meg nodded half smiling, sheepishly, a little relieved.

“And,” Kirstin added, “for the record, that ‘John Boy’ isn’t a dumb ass, and I’m not ‘with’ him. But I happen to think whoever he is with is very lucky.” She paused realising she had also said something she didn’t mean that day. “And… I don’t hate you either… it was a pretty childish thing to say,” she frowned slightly pursing her lips together.

Meg winced, “Hey, I started it…”

At that moment Kate emerged trying to get through to the toilet, in rather a hurry. Meg shuffled around and stared at the floor trying to avoid any close eye contact with Kirstin. A second person squeezed past her pushing Meg further into Kirstin, forcing Meg to look at her fully in the face. Kirstin felt their eyes lock and was incapable of tearing them away.

They lingered in that moment, just looking at each other. Even when there was room for Meg to step back, neither moved, neither spoke.

Breathe. Breathe dammit.

There was that lump again in Meg’s throat that seemed to appear every time Kirstin met her eyes for longer than average. This was longer than average. Meg couldn’t handle it. Suddenly something took a hold of her, and leaning forward through the small gap that still lay between them, she kissed her. A long, held kiss, full on the lips.

It took a few seconds for Kirstin to realise what was happening. She instinctively pushed Meg away in confusion.

Meg screwed up her face, “Shit,” she hissed, barely audible, quickly turning to walk away.

Kirstin came to her senses and grabbed hold of Meg’s hand just as she was turning, before she made it back out into the corridor, pulling her back. She looked Meg in the eye momentarily, and then kissed her back, at first tentatively, and then more deeply, hooking a hand behind Meg’s head and pulling her closer. As she drew back she notice Meg’s eyes had welled up slightly.

Kirstin was flustered, by the kiss, by the heat between them, by the look in Meg’s eyes.

“H’okay…” she uttered, gulping, trying to breathe again, searching Meg’s face, “Not what I expected,” she told her.

Meg was finding it hard to focus at all, never mind ascertain if it was anything like she might have expected. She certainly couldn’t have predicted the way her heart was pounding right now, in the realisation that Kirstin had indeed kissed her.

“Me either,” she said. “In fact, I’m just gonna take your lead on this one…”

Kirstin, who still had a hand around Meg’s neck, cocked her head slightly, and brought her hand round to half cup Meg’s cheek, “Funny, I thought I was taking your lead!” she exclaimed.

Meg smiled into the contact, “Oh, no. No, see what I took was a risk,” Meg told her in earnest.

Kirstin thought about that.

“Right,” she agreed realising that Meg had laid herself bare in that moment. “Yeh.”

Kirstin gulped again letting her hand drop to mirror the other currently residing on Meg’s waist. “So if I asked you to come upstairs with me, would that be a risk?”

Meg shook her head, unbelieving, “Right now, if you take my hand, I think I’d follow you just about anywhere…” she answered gently.

Kirstin smiled widely, still reeling from the kiss moments earlier. She nodded and did as instructed, taking Meg’s hand, pushing her way through the rest of the bustle on the landing and making her way further up the remaining stairs.

Meg was a little light-headed as she felt the strong, warm grip of Kirstin’s hand pulling her along. As they reached the doorway Kirstin paused hearing people already in her room. Meg wondered what they were doing but before she could ask, Kirstin turned back to look at her. She held her gaze for a second and then said, “Just follow me in okay?”

“Okay,” Meg accepted without thinking.

Kirstin let go of Meg’s hand and pushed the door open as she did so.

The top floor of her apartment was fairly spacious and she was unsurprised to see a small group of people lounging in her room, clearly high. A few of them turned and looked, a little caught out. One of them was in the process of consuming what looked like a rather large line of coke.

“Oh shit…” said one of the guys looking guilty.

“Hey, it’s fine don’t worry,” assured Kirstin, “I don’t mind honestly,” she said. They all relaxed a little, “But do you think you guys’d mind leaving the room for a second, only we kinda need a moment, if you know what I mean? Is that okay?”

They all looked a little startled but since they seemed to be expecting to be asked to leave they merely mumbled and muttered some apologies.

As the group of five got up and began moving, Kirstin entered further into the room and waited patiently. Meg stood by the doorway as they left one by one, holding the door. Kirstin beckoned her in. As the last one exited Kirstin shut the door firmly behind her and leaned against it looking at Meg. All Meg could do was look right back at her.

Meg was first to break the silence, “So… you think we need a moment?”

Kirstin nodded, “Or maybe two.”

She took a few steps towards Meg who was standing almost frozen halfway into the room, and stopped firmly in front of her.

“Y’know, you’d think a woman of my intelligence would manage to work out that the tension between us was sexual…” she breathed nervously.

Meg tried to hold herself together, but the adrenalin coursing through her was proving hard to hide.

“Well, denial of desire isn’t all that uncommon,” she twitched, “Though I have to say this was quite a shock.”

Kirstin began to relax a little now that they were alone.

“I’m willing to wager there’ll be a few who saw this coming,” she laughed.

“I wish I’d seen you coming,” Meg said.

Kirstin burst out laughing, much to Meg’s confusion.

“What?” she asked innocently.

“Um. I’m sorry,” she smiled.

Meg frowned at her, clearly, stupidly, unaware of her terrible word play. Kirstin felt the need to explain for fear of offending her.

“Well,” she pointed out, “the tacky response to that would be that we still have time…”

 Meg frowned more, a little embarrassed that she still didn’t understand what she had said.

“Would you like to?” Kirstin offered.

“Like to what?” she asked.

“Oh, God! You know I’m gonna have to let that penny drop because I can’t…” she shook her head unable to continue, “Just think about what you just said…” she moved a little closer to Meg who smiled and then suddenly understood the implication. Her face dropped.

“Oh my God…” she exclaimed, “Oh…” Meg’s face contorted in shame, “I’m sorry…” she started, “That’s not at all what I meant!”

Kirstin was smiling broadly as she pulled up close in front of Meg who was looking a little sheepish.

“That’s not what I meant,” Meg repeated.

“I know,” Kirstin said quietly.

They were quiet for a moment. Looking at each other for the first time with fresh eyes, and with what somehow seemed like permission.

“So, this is weird,” Meg stated while slowly studying Kirstin’s face.

Kirstin nodded slowly, “This is totally new information,” she agreed.

“I really am sorry about Saturday…”

“I think we can forget about that for the time being. This seems a little more important.”

Tentatively Kirstin began to close the gap between them, unsure herself of what they were doing, but overcome by a powerful urge to kiss Meg again.

Meg gulped. She couldn’t remember the last time she had been this nervous with someone. She could feel the heat from Kirstin’s body closing in. Completely disarmed she let Kirstin take the lead as their lips made contact again.

They were both a little awkward, at first. Alone in the room it seemed as though they should pay no heed to the sense of urgency they both still felt.

Kirstin kissed Meg, lightly, pulling back slowly to look at her. She kissed her again, lingering longer, almost teasing. Meg followed Kirstin’s lips, and her hands. They both smiled, both gently, flirtingly, exploring one-another.

Meg was thoroughly confounded by the physical pull Kirstin had over her. Her misgivings about where this was all headed and how inappropriate it was kept surfacing, but each time Kirstin kissed her she was dragged further along until she could take being teased no more. She grabbed hold of her and pulled her in, kissing her deeply.

“Fuck,” Kirstin exhaled as they pulled apart.

Meg couldn’t agree more. She smiled as she realised she wasn’t the only one who was a little overcome.

“Just how long is a moment?” she asked Kirstin.

Kirstin visibly had to collect her thoughts, “Uh, well,” she began “I think the length of the moment should be directly proportional to the intensity of the said moment.”

Meg leant forward and kissed her again before continuing.

“And, I’m not usually this inquisitive after the first few kisses, but just how intense would you say this moment is?”

Kirstin smiled at Meg’s turn of phrase and imitated it with delight, “Well, you know, I’m not usually one for analysing these things too deeply, but on a scale of one to ten?” she asked.

Meg nodded, “One being low…” she said watching Kirstin turn her attention to unbuttoning Meg’s shirt from the top downward.

“And on a need to know basis?” Kirstin further questioned.

Meg nodded eagerly.

“I’d estimate this moment at around a twelve…” she said seriously, having completed her task and meeting Meg’s eyes once again. “Maybe even a thirteen.”

She took Meg’s face in her hands and kissed her again, thoroughly.

Kirstin looked rather pleased with herself. This made Meg smile.

“Well that sounds like we might have some time to kill?” she offered.

Kirstin nodded in agreement spurring Meg to kick off her shoes, and kiss Kirstin back. As she did so she tugged at Kirstin’s T-shirt pulling it up and over her head.

At that moment the door behind them opened abruptly.

It was Josh.

He had been alerted to a potential, and completely imagined, argument that had been taking place. What he found however was a very real and actual act of passion. He had arrived to save the day, and was a little confused to see the situation somewhat differing from his supposition.

“What the fuck?!” he spluttered.

Kirstin span round upon hearing the door, “Shit!” then realised who it was, “Ah jeez Jay,” she sighed in relief, “you scared me!”

“I scared YOU?” Josh retorted trying not to look at them both in their semi-nakedness. “Well I can see you’ve stopped arguing then…”

Meg wasn’t sure whether to try to cover Kirstin up or not. In fact she wasn’t sure she shouldn’t prepare for a thumping.

“Um…” she began to move away from the evidence.

Kirstin caught her, “Hey where’d’ya think you’re going?”

“I… uh, nowhere,” Meg denied.

Josh suddenly grinned in amusement, “Okay, sorry, look I’m going…” he turned sheepishly to leave and muttered “…there were reports of an incident…”

Kirstin laughed lightly, “I’m fine, really. But thanks, Josh.”

“I can see that,” he said still a little confused, and trying not to look at either of them as he edged towards the door. “No problem.”

Megan was very confused.

“Remind me tomorrow to get that fucking lock fixed.” Kirstin told him.

Josh smirked, “Yes ma’am.” He said, “And remind me not to have an opinion regarding this particular event.”

He closed the door behind him.

Kirstin turned back to face Meg with a sheepish look that quickly turned to a smile.

Meg nervously laughed, “Of all the fucking people…”

Kirstin laughed too, “Well,” she said turning to look around the room for something, “at least I don’t have that conversation to break to him.”

“And what conversation would that be?” Meg asked, still a little unsure as to what was going on between Josh and Kirstin.

Kirstin saw the chair was her only option and grabbed it, wedging it up against the handle of the door.

I watch films, she thought, I know what to do.

“Oh y’know…” Kirstin said turning back to her again, “the one where tomorrow morning I have to reveal that despite having cursed you for the last couple of days, and actually seriously beginning to think my acquaintance with you might be a mightily bad idea, I in fact decided that the very best thing I could do would be to fuck you.”

Kirstin watched Meg’s reaction. Meg’s brow hiked upward at what was blatant confirmation of Kirstin’s thoughts.

“Quite a tricky topic to broach wouldn’t you say?” she asked her.

“Well,” said Meg, “when you put it like that… It does seem a little ridiculous.”

Kirstin looked at her. She backed off slightly, “In fact, I can’t think what on earth might lead me to believe this to be a good solution,” she teased Meg.

Meg moved closer, regaining the ground Kirstin had lost between them.

“Well, they do say women use sex as a weapon.”

Kirstin smiled, “They do, do they?”

“Yeh…” she breathed, but she was still a little bothered, she pulled up just short of Kirstin, “So you and Josh, you’re definitely not…” she needed to clarify.

Kirstin, who was now moving to close the remaining ground between them, stopped, “No!” she winced, “Meg, no… we’re not… whatever it is you’re thinking… Okay?”

Meg relaxed and nodded, “Okay.”

Kirstin smiled, “You’re an idiot, you know that?”

Meg nodded in total agreement. She reached out for the other woman, “Tell me that bit again?” she uttered.

Kirstin looked blank, “What bit?” she asked, allowing herself to be pulled closer, “About how you’re an idiot?” Meg shook her head, “About how this isn’t too much of a clever idea?”

“No, the bit where you mention fucking me…”

“Oh right…” back on track, “Yeh… well see when I just think about that bit, out of context, I remember that it seems like a fantastic idea.”

“The more you mention it, the better it sounds, and yet strangely the further away it appears to be…”

“I like your style.”

Meg laughed at the notion and shook her head slightly, “I don’t have a style.”

Kirstin smiled and paused once again to allow her eyes to linger.

“Fuck me, you’re hot,” she said eventually.

“Say that again.”

Kirstin repeated herself without hesitation or shame.

“Fuck me…” but Meg put a finger quickly over Kirstin’s lips and, leaning forward, she whispered, “Okay.”

Kirstin smiled in sheer clichéd delight. Maybe they were drunk, maybe they were high, maybe this was an incredibly bad idea, but she would worry about that tomorrow, when her body didn’t crave the pressure that suddenly met her mouth as Meg kissed her.

She could feel both their bodies charged with anticipation. Meg drew back and smiled, holding Kirstin’s face and allowing both hands to trace simultaneous lines down Kirstin’s neck, along her shoulders, brushing past her breasts to find the curve of her waist and the small of her back in order to pull her closer.

Kirstin responded by pressing her torso into Meg’s, and wrapping lithe arms around her. She stopped momentarily to push the thick dark hair out of Meg’s face, their eyes immediately locking. Kirstin walked Meg backward and pushed her onto the bed she knew was directly behind her.

“Nice move!” Meg uttered, admiringly as she bounced lightly.

“I hate to disappoint you, but this isn’t my first time…” Kirstin said crawling up Meg’s body to meet her face to face, body to body.

“Thank God for that! I hate to have that responsibility.”

“It would have been an honour,” Kirstin scolded lightly.

Unbeknown to the women inside Josh was hanging a handwritten note onto Kirstin’s door.

“Caution: illegality within. Strongly suggest non-disturbance.”


The morning after

Sleeping soundly wasn’t something that Meg had ever been able to do much of. Perhaps it was sheer exhaustion, perhaps it was complete satisfaction, or perhaps it was absolute contentment. Whatever it was, Meg didn’t really want to study too much why she felt so entirely rested, she was simply happy knowing that she was.

Sex with Kirstin had been… unexpected. Wonderful. Hot, passionate, fulfilling.

No, none of these words capture how GREAT last night was.

Fervent. Fiery. Urgent. Unexpected. Unexpectedly wonderful.

It wasn’t that Meg thought it was going to be bad, there was no way she could imagine not enjoying kissing Kirstin, feeling her, being enveloped by her, Meg had wanted her too badly for it not to be enjoyable; but Meg had not expected it to be quite the awakening it was. She hadn’t expected Kirstin to be so…  dominant? Confident. Confident? Willing? Eager. Giving. Adventurous…

God she knows a trick or two.


Yes. She definitely knew what she was doing.

Meg smiled at the memory, reliving in her head what had happened next.

Having pushed Meg back onto the bed Kirstin had started an all out attack on every sense Meg knew she had, and some she probably didn’t. Body on body, nothing could beat that sensation, except… flesh on flesh, Meg thought.

Kirstin’s head had been on exactly the same track, she thought.

She tugged at Meg’s shirt, “I want to see you…” she explained through a sexy half smile.

So Meg sat back up on the bed, smiling back at her, breathing hard, Kirstin straddling her lap.

There was a huge cheer from outside, inviting them both to frown at each other in confusion. The skylight above them was open slightly, Kirstin noticed, looking up.

She shrugged, “Least they’re occupied…”

Megan licked her lips expectantly as she watched her. It was evidently something that turned Kirstin on. Leaning forward she kissed her hard, continuing with her mission to relieve Megan of her shirt, which had been hastily, and rather badly, buttoned back up after Josh’s untimely entrance.

She then slowed the kiss in order to stop and survey the result. Megan hadn’t been wearing a bra, unlike Kirstin, who at that point still had hers on.

She leaned back a little and looked up and down Meg’s perfectly toned torso, enjoying the view, and allowing Meg to reach well-toned arms behind her to even up the score.

They sat for a moment, admiring one another, stroking, breathing, smiling, teasing. Kirstin’s hair was ruffled, she squinted one eye.

“What?” Meg asked her.

Kirstin hesitated, “Have you had any coke?” she asked.

Meg had been worried about what a truthful answer to that question might elicit.

“Yeees…” the word was drawn out, shamefacedly.

“Good!” Kirstin went on to exclaim, relieved, “Would you like some more?” she inquired suggestively.

Meg breathed her own sigh of relief, and inhaled a new lungful of anticipation.

“Sure…” she drawled happily, a slight twinkle in her eye.

Not what I was expecting, she remembered.

Kirstin grinned back, biting her bottom lip, and pulled her off the bed to head towards her desk on the other side of the room.

Meg was a little reluctant to move from what was clearly a much better position on the bed, but she spied another opportunity and took it.

Settling herself in the big brown leather easy chair that accompanied Kirstin’s work area, she waited for her to locate her stash before pulling her down onto her lap to join her.

She squeezed up against Kirstin, hugging her belly, flush against the drug pusher’s back, laying a cheek across her shoulder blade, and inducing a groan from the blond woman that duplicated as Meg, now encouraged, pushed aside shoulder length hair in order to teasingly kiss the neck she’d revealed beneath.

It took Kirstin quite a while to divvy up the two large lines of coke that lay before them. She had told Megan in no uncertain terms, that though she really enjoyed what she was doing to her, it was only going to prolong the wait for bigger, better things.

Meg conceded she could wait, even though so much exposed skin, that she had yet to truly sample, was proving very hard to refrain from.

Kirstin slid herself along Meg’s knee until they were almost side by side so that Meg could reach the booty.

“Shit,” she opened the box where the coke had come from.

“What’s up?”

“The note’s not there. Do you have any money?”

“Uh, sure, hang on a sec.”

Meg grabbed hold of Kirstin with one arm, and lifted her hips to reach for her wallet, which she chucked onto the desk.

“In there,” she nodded.

“You’re pretty strong…” Kirstin growled appreciatively as she reached for the wallet and opened it. “And pretty rich…” she exclaimed with a waggle of her eyebrows having found a whole bunch of green to contend with.

She pulled out a crisp hundred dollar bill and began to roll it, twisting slightly to meet Meg’s hungry gaze. Megan was still wondering how the Hell this had all started. How the hell did she get a half-naked, vibrant, coke-taking Kirstin in her lap?

Oh, who the hell cares?

“You should be careful carrying all that around with you…” Kirstin commented flippantly.

“Well, y’know I never really know where I’m gonna end up…”

“Is that so?” Kirstin smiled.

“It’s good to know I can leave at any time…” Meg taunted.

Kirstin turned back round to the tabletop of powder.

“Well, you know where the door is… Whenever you feel the time has come…” she blindly held up the newly rolled note for Meg to take.

Meg smiled and shook her head.

“Gimme that!” she said, snatching the note off her and leaning forward. “Which is mine?”

They both knew Meg had absolutely no intention of leaving, and Kirstin had no intention of letting her. For once there was some absolute certainty between them.

“They’re both the same… take your pick,” Kirstin replied easily, suppressing a chuckle.

Meg hooked her hair behind her right ear but she still had her other hand round Kirstin’s waist, so Kirstin took care of the rest of the hair that fell as the drummer bowed her head to snort. She watched her less-than-dressed attitude and wondered how long it had taken her to realise just how sexy Meg was.

She doesn’t even seem to know it.

Meg lifted her head and swallowed.

Or maybe she does…

She passed Kirstin the note back and waited for her to finish. When Kirstin was done inhaling, she idly flicked the note onto the desk and turned to Meg.

Sparkling blue eyes met hers. A hand tugged, turning her fully round until she was once again sat in Megan’s lap.

“Now where were we?” Meg asked her.

Kirstin kissed her lightly with flushed lips, “A lot closer to the bed…” she breathed.

Meg kissed her back, and then grabbed hold of her, picking her up out of the chair, and blindly walking towards where she hoped there was a bed waiting. Kirstin squealed. Meg stopped halfway.


“You’re a brute!” Kirstin laughed, her hands gripping round Meg’s neck.

Megan let Kirstin’s feet slide down to rejoin the floor, “Sorry…” she said, letting go a little apologetically.

Kirstin hooked a couple of fingers into Meg’s jeans and pulled hard, slamming Meg up against herself, “I like it…” she purred into Meg’s ear.

Meg was delighted.

Don’t need telling twice.

Jeans were hurriedly torn off, and Kirstin was thrown back on the bed.

Flesh on flesh. Animal. Instinctive. Fierce. Visceral. Intense. Exuberant. Intuitive. Vocal.


Aha, there had been plenty of cursing.

Meg smiled again at the thought.

Yes, sex with Kirstin had been amazing. It had, in many ways, simply blown Meg away. Not only that, but waking up next to her, enveloped by her, had been one of the most comforting feelings Meg could ever remember experiencing.

The arm that was draped around her bare midriff twitched. The body that had snuggled firmly into her back wriggled slowly as its owner roused from what had been a very deep sleep. Meg looked down at the slender fingers that she found entwined with her own. They flexed, and behind her she felt the warmth of soft lips nuzzle closer, eyelashes gently tickling the back of her neck.

Meg savoured the sensation, closing her eyes and breathing deeply, languishing in the mixture of warmth and cotton and skin.

Then the hand began to gently untangle itself. Meg relinquished her lazy grip and slowly turned over to follow its path.

She found sleepy hazel eyes struggling to adjust to the light.

“Hey,” said the slightly hoarse voice of the beautifully messed up creature from beneath a mat of dirty blonde hair that she started pushing away from her face.

Meg gulped as Kirstin rubbed her eyes and smiled at her. She was overcome with a sudden desire to pull the woman closer, but something stopped her.

“Hey,” she breathed instead.

Kirstin started giggling sleepily.

Meg frowned, suddenly feeling rather exposed, worried that Kirstin might be regretting what had happened, seemingly amused by it in a more sober reality.

“What?” she winced.

Kirstin stopped and took a small breath.

“You’re fucking beautiful Megan, that’s what.”

Meg didn’t know what to say, she was used to being called a lot of things, but beautiful wasn’t often one of them; it was quite the opposite reaction to the one she had anticipated.

“And that’s funny?” she asked in a small voice.

“No,” Kirstin shook her head. “The statement that you’re beautiful is just a fact, what’s funny is how I managed to ignore it for so long, and consequently, how unfortunate for me that is.”

Before Meg had time to work out what Kirstin was saying she found soft lips meeting her own and hands searching, pulling her closer, tangled in her hair, overpowering all other thoughts.

The deep and lazy, yet lustful kiss left her breathless, but somehow, not satiated.

“Fuck,” sighed Kirstin, pressing her forehead against Meg’s, “This is going to be a problem.”

Kirstin closed her eyes and shook her head. She turned over to squint at the clock on the bedside table.

“It is?” asked Meg carefully, hope and dread mixing with equal measure.

This was why she had held back. This was why she hadn’t pulled Kirstin closer first. This was why, disarming though that kiss had just been, the morning after the night before, Meg felt a sense of loss.

Don’t say it, please, don’t say. Don’t regret it.

Kirstin turned back to look at her.

“This is why my predecessor got the sack,” she sighed, with what seemed like a touch of sorrow, “Someone getting caught doing just this,” Kirstin prodded her lightly, “is why I’m working on this project, why I’m here at all,” she repeated, watching the recognition in Meg’s eyes. “You being in my bed right now is nothing but trouble.”

Megan hadn’t even stopped to consider anything beyond whether Kaye was attracted to her, which seemed to have been clarified. It hadn’t occurred to her that Kirstin’s job might cause a problem; or rather that what they had done, or might be about to do, might cause Kirstin a problem with her job. She still had no real idea what Kaye thought, but it seemed that this would a barrier, something Kirstin needed reassuring about.

“It doesn’t have to be a problem, Kaye,” she said gently, watching a small frown begin to appear on her face.


Kirstin sat up a little. It wasn’t a question, it was the little vocalisation Kirstin had, the noise that seemed to maintain an air of dubiousness, pushing the speaker toward further explanation without Kirstin having to actually ask ‘Why? How come? You think so?’ It meant she was thinking between the lines. It meant she wasn’t sure about where something was heading, or what the motivation was.

What Kirstin was actually thinking was that she hadn’t stopped to consider what would happen now, what would happen next. She hadn’t really thought about what the events of the evening before would mean. She had simply given into an urge, and she now realised that was probably also true for Megan.

Megan meanwhile, was surprised to find that she thought she knew how to deal with Kirstin’s little ‘huh’.

“Really. It’s okay,” Meg smiled, “I’m not about to run around telling everyone.”

Though I fucking WANT to, she thought.

And then something shifted. Something that Meg had said changed things. She didn’t know why, but she began to feel it.

In truth, it was how she had said what she had said, and more importantly what she hadn’t said, that picked both women up off the track they had almost taken, and set them neatly down on the one beside it.

Meg was so cool and calm. Meg thought she had said the right thing. In some ways she had, but then Meg probably thinks she has much more practice at one-night stands, doesn’t she? thought Kirstin, who had heard something Meg hadn’t intended to convey.

“You’re right,” Kirstin said suddenly, almost detached and matter-of-fact. “Josh is the only one that saw us, and he’s not about to tell anyone, not before talking to me first, anyways.”


Damn fucking Josh to Hell.

Meg had a feeling that Joshua’s discretion was about to screw up her chances. She had a feeling she had somehow managed to set that ball in motion already, but she wasn’t sure how or when.

“Please don’t regret what we did?” It came out before Meg could catch it. The tone of the remark went unchecked.

Kirstin looked at Meg; Beautiful, sexy Meg, lounging naked in her bed. She really was stunning; thick black choppy hair framing her perfectly sculpted, creamy complexioned face. Piercing blue eyes, the kind she’d only ever read about. How could she regret it?

Though Kirstin didn’t acknowledge it, she definitely saw Meg’s full and now reddened lips quiver slightly for less than a moment. It was not long enough for Kirstin to logically evaluate the very strong feeling it betrayed, but it was just long enough for her to see a fragility she hadn’t known existed. And then to completely misread it.

“Don’t be so fucking stupid Meg,” she shook her head casually. “The last couple of days have been fucking Hell. And now I know why!”

Tell me why, Meg thought, but she dared not ask.

“This was the perfect way to release the tension,” Kirstin smiled.

The words came out because Kirstin was suddenly afraid of being like every other girl. It occurred to her that Meg might think she expected to have some kind of hold over her, expected that they were ‘together’ now, because they had slept with each other. She wondered how many times Megan had sat a girl down to explain otherwise.

Don’t regret what we did? It was almost patronising.

Kirstin remained a little blasé, “It’s clearly something that had to happen,” Kirstin cocked a sexy eyebrow at her.

God I want you. Meg smiled, but she had to force it. This was Kirstin’s way of telling her, ‘you’re hot, and I’m glad we fucked, but that’s all this is’. She had felt it from the moment she had woken up, and she had promised herself that if she was right, she would simply nod and comply.

Nod and comply.

After all, she had no idea what she was doing, and it had never been her intention to kiss Kirstin, never mind sleep with her. She had promised herself not to try to do both of those things, hadn’t she? She had near as dammit promised Jess too.


And in any case, what choice did she have? What was she hoping for anyway? She didn’t know anything beyond what she felt right now, which was a deep desire not to let this be the only time, the one and only time.

Megan’s calm silence was unnerving Kirstin, who had forgotten the words and gestures that betrayed Meg’s true feelings.

“It’s something we probably needed to get out of our systems, y’know?” she continued.

System? What am I saying? Isn’t it Grace I need to get out of my system? And when did Megan get into it? Last week? Last night? This morning?

Meg cringed internally with the further confirmation of the state of play, but defiantly held her head.

Kirstin watched her, consciously looking for some sign, some hint. But Meg just listened to her with an air of casual acceptance.

Say something, before I fuck this up Megan. What do you want? Hell, what do I want?

 “I mean, do YOU think we’ve got it out of our systems?” Kirstin asked her.

Was that leeway? Meg wondered. And if it was, did she want it?

Hell yes, she wanted it.

A little of what she wanted was better than none at all.

Look at her.

Meg’s head was leaning against the wall. There was no way of knowing the fear and uncertainty, the lust and emotion that was surging through her, “I’m not convinced we did…” she said with a well practiced straight face.

Ok, well, that’s a start… thought Kirstin.

“I think you might be right,” Kirstin slid back down under the covers her body remembering the heat they had shared and suddenly craving more. “And you know,” she bit her lip briefly, “I think I really need to get this out of my system.”

Meg nodded in mock seriousness, “Yeh. Ok. I understand,” a coy smile met her lips.

And though Meg thought she understood, she didn’t.

Indeed neither woman understood. Neither woman knew their own head, and thus had no hope of second guessing the other’s. Both women were looking for their own answers in the other’s reaction.

If you want me, I may just be available, thought Kirstin.

If you don’t want me, I won’t need you, thought Meg.

This was their first mistake. Somewhere along the line both women had seen what they most feared to repeat. They had seen it in the mere idea of one another, however brief that had so far been; they had seen all of the problems, and none of the solutions.

And they were neither brave, or indeed, stupid enough, to say or think otherwise.

Kirstin pulled Meg to her.

Lust however, was something they weren’t afraid of, and since they were both naked and lying in a bed, it almost seemed rude to ignore it. They both separately decided to contend with anything else later, if it came to it.

Right now, they both took an easy opportunity while it presented itself, both equally cautious to avoid sentiment. It was a straightforward task to complete - the avoidance of giving signals leading easily to the avoidance of receiving them.

Lust is often mistaken for a multitude of feelings, the very knowledge of which naturally aid any necessary concealment.

In a matter of seconds a whole vocabulary was thrown out of the virtual relationship window. It was an emotional dictionary, landing with a thump on the overgrown garden of secrets and desire. In time the pages would be weathered by the wind and rain of the everyday, and bleached by the sun of memory. Pages would tear, to be lost and found, to be buried, and to grow.

Thus, sex between Kirstin and Meg suddenly became a virtually wordless language. It hadn’t required full sentences at any rate, but now the only clean, identifiable words were, ‘please, yes, wait, here and there’.

Questions became facial queries, with general noddings of agreement or encouragement, and everything else was learnt by paying attention to physical reaction. Each intake of breath had meaning, every twitch, each moan.

Neither woman said ‘I want you’, and neither woman needed to. They kissed fiercely, and Meg showed Kirstin how much she wanted her. She was rewarded equally in return.


While you can, grab it

“Let’s not talk about it, then we don’t have to deal with it,” Kirstin panted, her eyelids fluttering shut as Megan brought her hand back up Kirstin’s torso and traced a line around her left breast with slick fingers.

Kirstin stretched out at the touch, like a cat.

Megan ignored her request, “I really like fucking you…” the want in her voice impossible to conceal.

Kirstin winced but smiled despite herself. She lowered her voice, “I really like fucking you too,” she nodded seriously, closing her eyes and regaining her breath.

These were the safe words. This was secure territory. But it was a very blurred boundary, a thinly veiled border, and a very fine line. To hurl the book of words out of the window, you had to first open the window itself.

Fresh air could be intoxicating.


“Shut up!” Kirstin frowned, “Stop talking, okay? Because if I start thinking about this, I’m gonna have to throw you out…”

Meg clamped her mouth shut comically and nodded.

“And I don’t want to throw you out yet, okay? I’m… not done…”

Meg raised a sexy eyebrow quizzically.

The sun was peeking through the blind above, throwing lines of warm white light across Meg’s back. She shifted slightly onto her side, leaning up on one elbow, admiring Kirstin’s form as she lay naked in front of her, brazen, and unapologetic, still glistening with sex.

Kirstin had already fended off a small cluster of phone calls from a variety of people, including Josh, who she had also told to keep his mouth shut, and Suze, who Josh had evidently not told. Good boy. She felt bad, but she had woken up with a beautiful woman in her bed, and she wasn’t ready to let her go just yet, let alone deal with the consequences.

God no, I’m not done yet, thought Kirstin, watching Meg watch her.

She was sure her house was in a state, but that could wait too.

She turned into Meg, their legs entangling easily with newfound intimacy. She pulled her nearer, and the drummer responded instinctively, settling herself closer, letting Kirstin nestle her head in the arch of her neck.

Kirstin took a deep breath and gave a long contented sigh of relaxation.

This is nice.

Each breath took her deeper.

This is comfortable.

Each breath was intoxicating.

This is…

“I’m hot,” the blond women declared.

She felt Meg nod in avid agreement.

No, I mean I’m actually hot…” she said sitting up a little and looking at her with a small grin.

More nodding, and smiling.

Kirstin shook her head and jumped from the bed, grabbing Meg’s hand and pulling her up.

“Shower,” she stated.

“Shower,” Meg repeated



It had been a long time since Kirstin had had opportunity to drag anyone into her shower. Only the glimmer of a long gone memory surfaced, and it was over-ridden by the sheer presence of the woman she had her hands on.

Making out in the shower, in this shower, was something Kirstin sorely missed. The shower was a large, round-glassed unit in the middle of what was an already big bathroom. The water spurted from a large flower head hanging in the middle. They took it in turns to soap one another between long, luxurious kisses. It wasn’t long before the soap was all but forgotten.

Breathing hard in a steamy shower was something Kirstin had forgotten she didn’t miss.

She flung the curved slide door open into the tiled bathroom enjoying the rush of cool air against her wet hot skin.

“Good call…” breathed Meg leaning back under the water to smooth off her hair.

Kirstin just smiled at her, sparing a quick, and almost embarrassed glance at the handprints that were clearly visible across the glass of the shower.

Meg pulled her closer. She was about to kiss Kirstin when a loud rumble interrupted her.

Meg pulled back and looked at Kaye, who was pulling a face. Then she laughed, a deep and delighted laugh. Kirstin enjoyed it.

“How bout I cook you up some breakfast, preppy? Sounds like you need feeding!”

“I always need feeding,” Kirstin replied candidly.

“Is that a ‘yes’?”

“That’s a ‘yes please, thank you very much, I’d really like for you to make me breakfast’.”

“Okay. But me making you breakfast doesn’t mean anything, you know that right?” Meg tried to tease, knowing that actually, to her, it meant more than she wanted it to.

“I didn’t fuck you so you’d make me breakfast…” Kirstin answered dryly.

Megan looked at her for a moment before responding.

“Weirder things have happened… someone fucked me once for a free cd…”


“No. But come to think of it, I have done that…”

“You are so rock n roll… I think I want to be you…”

“Yeh… everybody does baby…” Meg slurred in a mock Elvis fashion.

Kirstin sarcastically imitated the famous man too, “Ah-ha-huh?” and raised an eyebrow, “Get out!” she pushed Meg.


“Get - out…” another shove pushed her clear of the doorway. “I will not have arrogance in my shower…”

“But I like your shower…” Meg pleaded, looking back at her like a puppy who’d had its ball confiscated.

“Then you should respect the shower, and its owner.”

Oh I do, I really fucking do.

Meg stood naked and dripping in the bathroom. Kirstin had to chuckle.

Another rumble.

Kirstin looked at her own stomach and frowned, then looked back at Meg.

Meg held her hands up, “Okay… okay… food coming up… can I use your toothbrush, or are you weird about stuff like that?”

“No, I’m not ‘weird about stuff like that’. I think we just swapped a hell of a lot more bodily fluid then you’d ever manage to leave on my toothbrush… however, there’s a few new ones in the cupboard if you want,” she pointed.

You’re giving her a toothbrush?

Kirstin turned to grab a towel as she exited the shower having flicked the switch off. She hoped it covered the worry on her face.

She’s giving me a toothbrush?

Meg was glad Kirstin had turned around, it hid her immediate reaction of confusion.

“Okay. Thanks.”

Do I take the toothbrush? Use her toothbrush? Meg turned to the cupboard. What will either of those actions say? Maybe they’ll say nothing. Maybe it’s not a big deal. In fact no, it’s not a big deal, it’s a frikkin toothbrush Megan! Why am I freaking out over the offer of a toothbrush? Oh my god.

Kirstin caught a flicker of Meg’s indecision in the reflection of the shower glass.

It doesn’t mean anything if she takes a new toothbrush. That’s what they’re there for. Guests. Not for regular sleep over buddies, but for people who didn’t expect to be staying the night…

Kirstin stopped looking and started vigorously drying her hair.

Well she did offer. Oh fuck it… stop acting like a teenager, this is stupid.

Kirstin emerged from beneath her towel drying experience to not only find Meg proudly scrubbing her tongue with a freshly unwrapped toothbrush, but to see her all wrapped up in what had been, to all intents and purposes, Grace’s robe.

Meg caught Kirstin staring as she looked up at the mirror. She had a face that was a mixture of surprise, and something else she couldn’t quite make out.

Just as Meg always did when she thought she’d done something wrong that she couldn’t exactly be told off for, she flaunted it. She played the cheeky card. She turned round and smiled broadly as if it were the most natural thing for her to be doing.

Kirstin wasn’t quite sure how to deal with it. She opted for honesty.

“It looks better on you,” she said plainly.

The smile Meg had produced very slowly faded. Her mouth full of toothpaste she was incapable of querying the meaning.


You are a REALLY good kisser…

Meg pulled back to look at Kirstin. They were lounging on the sofa having polished of a full plate of fried breakfast, Kirstin’s choice.

Kirstin had thanked her for a spectacular breakfast, and Meg had thought she deserved a kiss.

“Are you busy the next couple of days?” Megan slurred.

It was only part rhetorical. The band and the production crew wouldn’t be flying out to England until Thursday. It was only Sunday.

Kirstin licked her lips and just smiled, not seriously considering it a question, but flattered by what was obviously a compliment.

Meg suddenly realised she actually meant it.

“No, actually I’m serious, what are you doing this week?”

“Why?” Kirstin asked, trying not to narrow her eyes, trying to keep the slight hope out of her voice, wishing there wasn’t any hope to hide. Worried that Meg was actually going to say something that she’d have to turn down, but wouldn’t want to.

“Well, I was thinking…” she looked at Kirstin trying to predict her response.

Oh, fuck it, just tell her you want to hang around. Throw it at her, see what she says…

“I have sweet F.A to do ‘til Tuesday, and I’d like to offer you my services…”

Kirstin laughed, “Your services?”

“Yah. You like food, I’m a great cook; you like kissing, I’m a great kisser…”

Yes, yes you are.

Kirstin smiled widely, and Meg realised something; Kirstin responded kindly to invitations that were suggestive, but contained no pressure. She stored it.

“Go back to the food, I’m interested in the food…” Kirstin waved.

Yep. That was it. This sexy, talented women liked to be given options.

“Breakfast is my speciality…” Meg purred.

“Breakfast is my favourite course…”

“Well I thought dinner was pretty fucking amazing, but breakfast was something else…” Meg sat back up and reached out in front of her for the mug of fresh coffee that was sitting on the dirty, rubbish covered table. She took a quick satisfying gulp of sweet creaminess and then crawled back to Kirstin. Kirstin responded by kicking her feet up, and settling beneath her.

It was clear Meg was being metaphorical, “Aren’t you done yet? You’re insatiable!”

“I just get the impression I should grab you while I can…” she said it without sadness or regret, they were the words of a woman who lived in the moment, and took what opportunities were offered; Kirstin was still not properly dressed.

I thought I told you to stop talking? Kirstin shook her head, solemnly.


Meg looked down at her, expectantly, internally bracing herself for the truth.

“I… we…”

Meg settled herself along Kirstin’s length, reaching a hand under the vest she was wearing, causing a sharp intake of breath from the smaller woman. She traced patterns over her stomach and the touch led her to idly finger a small, scarred area below Kirstin’s right breast. It was barely noticeable to the eye, but to the touch it seemed more prominent. Meg couldn’t work out why that should be the case.

Kirstin looked down at where Meg’s hand had settled and shook her head again. It was another misinterpreted action.

Meg took up the conversation.

“I told you before Kirstin, I’m not going to tell anyone, I wouldn’t want to put your job in jeopardy, I respect that. But, y’know, we have a whole continent to explore, and you really turn me on. This body,” she stroked, “these lips…” Meg pulled herself up to meet them, placing a light kiss there, “You really turn me on. I can’t fucking hide it, and I’m really bad at holding back, I mean, you’ve witnessed it… and I know you enjoyed last night. This morning was evidence of that.”

She could see Kirstin giving in slightly to the notion, whatever notion it was. Meg herself wasn’t sure yet.

“No-one has to know, is what I’m saying…”

Kirstin’s brow furrowed. Maybe I need to know Megan, did you think of that?

“Can’t you just be my dirty little secret?” Meg intoned sexily.

Oh, and you were doing so well.

Whatever engine Kirstin had been riding on stalled abruptly, with a sharpness that gave birth to some clarity; she could hear what her head was now shouting at her.

Kirstin took a breath.

“No,” she said with certainty. Pushing herself up a little, and dislodging Meg from her position. “No.” She pushed Meg aside and sat up.

Meg found herself back where she had started. She was a little dumbstruck.

“Okay,” she responded, more out of shock than anything else.

They both faced forward, neither looking at the other directly, both turning their faces slightly as they spoke, but averting the other’s eyes.

“It’s just…”

“I said it’s okay, Kirstin. You don’t have to fuck me if you don’t want to!”

Kirstin was silent, how quickly could she explain the last few years in a way that would validate her comment? And did she really want to, or indeed have the strength to? She ground her teeth in frustration.

Meg felt rejected, and so successfully sealed her fate.

“Honestly, it’s cool, I mean I always have other options…”

She tried to make it sound like a joke, but they each knew it was both a threat, and the truth.

And that made Kirstin’s decision a whole lot easier; it wasn’t worth telling Meg all the reasons why being her dirty little secret would be a very bad thing, and she certainly didn’t want to be one of many dirty little secrets.

She looked at Meg, “Yes. Yes, you do Megan. You have a lot of other options.”

And yet Kirstin didn’t hate her for it, or even dislike her for it. She was simply sorry for it. And sorry also for all the complications that meant she couldn’t just follow her craving.

“And you know what?” she looked at her in earnest, “You don’t want to have to tip-toe around for a lay anyway. Even if it was the most amazing lay of your life…”

Meg couldn’t help but grin, amused by her surety.

“You’re cocky…” Meg growled with a coy smile.

Kirstin squinted at her, “Yeh… I know. But I’m right aren’t I?”

Meg shook her head in pure delighted yet saddened disbelief.

Yes, yes you’re fucking right.

The gentle headshake morphed into a nod, “It was pretty good,” she smiled taking a sip of iced water from Kirstin’s glass.

Kirstin got up and gathered a couple of plates, needing to extract herself from any further, deeper, discussion.

“Pretty good my arse. I’ll bet you never came that hard before in your life…”

Megan almost choked.

Kirstin giggled at her own display of vulgarity, and decided not to think too much about why she had said it, or if it was even true.

And so it was that Kirstin completed her getting dressed properly, without a hitch, and Megan said goodbye without a kiss.

As Kirstin clicked the door shut behind her, she leaned her head against it. It was an action repeated by the woman who had left moments earlier.

As she reluctantly moved away from the apartment Meg spared a glance at the beautiful roof top view.

Park slope… I mean, does it get any MORE gay? She snorted out loud and fished out her remaining pack of cigarettes before turning and heading down the stairs.

The sun was blazing as she made her way along the long avenue toward the tube station.

A big lungful of smoke.

What a beautiful day.

She shoved her shades on and kicked a pebble into the road as she exhaled.

And I’m SO keeping this Miss Hart, Meg thought as she fingered the garment she had been lent.

“You may not want to fuck me, but it sure is my right to claim a trophy t-shirt,” she said aloud to no-one in particular.

Another lungful of smoke, more immediately blown back out.

“Kirstin Hart… Who’da thought?” She tapped the shivers off her cigarette.

Who’da thought you’d be… so…

Fucking unobtainable!” Meg hissed in frustration. “I will not become obsessed, I will not become obsessed, I will…” …not become obsessed.

And thus Meg had found a new mantra, which was nothing but a slight twist on an old one.


Continued in Part 9

Return to the Academy

Thanks to Jen for beta duties. Ax