Parody: The Moment of Truth

by ArdentTly

Ya know, I've been thinking lately. What if X and G really ARE having sex? With each other. What if they've decided to take their friendship to the next level and have decided to become a...twosome? And what if Xena has decided to tell her mother and share the good news? And what if Greece wasn't as open minded as we'd like to think? What if they were as close minded as some of us are now?

no spoiler space

X: Hello, Mother.

C: Well, daughter. It's been a long time. So tell me, any special someone in your life?

X: heh...get right to the point, don't you, Mother. Well, actually, yes. There is a special person. I was meaning to tell you about h...

C: Oh, do tell! Finally, grandchildren, setting down and forgetting those warrior ways, wearing some decent clothing! Oh, I'm so happy!

X: Um, Mother?

C: And moving back into town, getting a respectable job...I think you could get a fair price for your sword and you might even get something for that horse.

X: No way. And I'm not selling my sword either. Mother, what makes you think that I'd do all that just because I've fallen in love?

C: <Gasp!> Xena in love? I never thought I'd see the day. In lust, surely. Repeatedly. And with..

X: <Ahem!>

C: Yes dear. Well, it isn't every day that a mother hears her warrior daughter has fallen in love and is going to settle down. I must make plans for a party! Oh, this will be fun.

X: <sighing> Mother, I'm in love with a woman.

C: Stunned silence.

<crickets are heard off stage>

X: Did you hea...

C: Yes! I heard you, I just don't believe you. I mean...look at you. Nice strong strapping woman, good figure, nice you can't cook or clean or mend. I'm sure you have many fellows knocking down your door...

X: As a matter of fact...all the time. And this is not a good thing, trust me. But that's neither here nor there. It's not a man that I want, Mother. I want her.

C: I blame this on your father. Yes, it's all his fault. If he hadn't tried to kill you. And that Draco fellow...

X: <sigh> Mother...

C: What about that Martin fellow?

X: Mart....oh, you mean Marcus. Yes, he was special but he wasn't THE one. She does everything for me, Mother...she moves me...

C: <fanning herself> I'm not sure I want to hear this. No, I KNOW I don't want to hear this.

X: Oh, Mother. She's wonderful, has a sense of humour, is brave, silly, smart, talented, and her oral skills..

C: <faints dead away>

G: <Peering from the doorway> Argo's all settled in. Xena! What happened to Cyrene!?

X: I told her about us.

G: You...<cough> think she hates me?

X: <sigh> No. She asked if I was going to get married and settled down.

G: Well, you are!

X: With a guy.

G:.......oh. Well...oh.

X: yeah, oh.

C: <groaning>

X: Gabrielle, will ya get me something to drink?

G: Oh, jeez...sure, ho....Xena.

C: Oh, my head. I must be dreaming. The most eligible woman in this village and you tell me you want to spend your life with a woman! With all that sex appeal? Xena, what are you thinking!?

X: Mother, I know what I want. Finally. I'm sure of who and what I am. I'm happy with that.

C: It's those Thespians you've been hanging around with...they've rubbed off on you..they've twisted you, darkened your soul...<blubbering>

X: <Standing up and pulling the woman into a chair>

Do we have to do this right now? I just came for a visit and to tell you...oh, thanks Gabrielle. Here, Mother. Drink this.

C: <takes a hefty swig and spews the contents all over Xena> Ack! I need to come to my senses not knock me out of them, girl! <peering closer> Oh. It's you, Gabrielle. I'm glad you're here. Maybe YOU can knock some sense into Xena. She says....well, I'm not sure if you know this...but, well, she says she's in love with...a woman. Did you ever?

G: <gulp>

X: <hiding smirk> Yeah, Gab...did you ever?

G: <smack!> Er...sorry about the grog...I thought the drink was for Xena. You DID say get ME a drink, didn't you, Dear...friend?

C: Oh, that's all right, dear. <patting hand> It was a thoughtful gesture anyway. Nice girl like you should be settled down, Gabrielle. Any mother would be pleased to have you as a daughter in law. Come to think of it, you were married already, weren't you?

G: Yes, I was. <beaming> To a wonderful man who..

X: <cough>

G: Yeah, nice guy, got killed, I'm over him now.

X: Mother, just leave the subject alone, will you? She doesn't need a match maker and neither do I. I've found my heart's desire and...

C: It must be all those lonely nights out on the road. Yes, you're just lonely, Xena. Why, you should be like your little friend here. I see lots of men around her, although not so much lately. Have you found someone, too, Gabrielle?

X: <grumbling> Bloody red shirts sniffing around...send em all to Tartarus...Not like you discourage them either...

C: Pardon, dear?

X: <mumble>

G: Yes! yes, I've found someone, Cyrene. Someone special and loving and tender. Someone who's getting in touch with their loving and forgiving side. Right, Xena?

X: <glaring>

G: Heh. <gulping again> Well, must be going. We just dropped by to say hello. Hello. <dragging Xena to the door>

C: Perhaps you've just not met the right man, Xena. Perhaps Martin was too tender for you. Maybe you need a man who's got strength and power and position and a...

X: <whispering> Please don't let her say Hercules...please...

C: ...a sense of his own Destiny. Yes...

X: <groaning> Mother.

C: I hear that Roman chap is the most eligible..

X & G: We. Are. Not. Going. There!

C: Oh? Well, perhaps a better diet. You are getting a little thin, dear. Some nice red meat...perk you right up. Your iron must be low. Come to think of it, you ARE getting to be rather past it, aren't you? Not having any hot or cold flashes, are you, dear?

X: I'm having one right now, as a matter of fact. <growling>

C: Well, that's it then! Yes. You just need to see a herbalist. He'll fix you right up.

X: <grabbing Gabrielle and pushing her towards the door> What I NEED is a bard.

C: <quizzically> A bard?

G: Heh...what she means is my skills as an orator...I'll tell her some stories...

C: Skills? Orator? <gasp> It''s you she's in love with! Ack! Out of my house, you hussy! You Thespian, you! You...

X: That is it, Mother! Now, stop it right now...

C: Twisting my innocent, sweet, daughter...

X & G: Heh?

C: Ruining her chances of ever having a normal life...

X: <sucking teeth> Ya know, Mom. I was going to tell you that I'd fallen in love with Gabrielle and that we were going to be married...but well...

C: <squeaking voice> ma...married?

X: <grinning evilly> Why, yes. It was going to be an Amazon betrothal. With a Centaur as my best man. And half naked women dancing and leaping around. And then we'd bid you farewell and begin our own celebration...cavorting until all hours of the night and day and night and...

C: I don't feel well.

X: But since you don't approve of me marrying the fair bard....

C: <hopeful> Yes? You've come to your senses? You've realized what a mistake it would be?

X: Gabrielle, hon. Go get Argo, wouldja?

G: yes, dear.

X: That's my girl. No mother, I've decided...we'll just live in sin.

C: <crash!>

G: D'ya think we'd better leave her like that? maybe we should...

X: Nah. She made her mess, let her lie in it.