Irreverent Parody - Fifth Season

By ArdentTly

A bunch of locals are milling about the front door of a certain WP who's just got back from a roaring bout of tar whooping.

G: Jeez...l can't...quite....reach....this.......Xena?

X: Yeah, what's up? < closing door quickly behind her >

G: I'm trying to get this oil...off the top shelf...l just...can't...reach it.

X: Heh....just a second, my cutsie little bard... <slaps hand over mouth > Shit, I can't believe I said that...darned hormones.

G: Aw....l though it was cute, hon. You might have better luck helping me if you put that teddy bear down, doncha think?

X: Te....huh? That's it! Honest to Zeus...all this stuff is going....OUT!

G: We've been there, done that, sweetie. You just go out and find more of the stuff...you know you can't help

yourself right now...It'll pass...

X: As soon as I have this kid...yeah, yeah. < sighs and pats Jr >

G: I think it's becoming, actually, seeing you like this.

X: What, as big as a barn?

G: Heheh...noooooo, silly. All maternal and gushy....and soft...

X: Soft. Vulnerable, you mean. Sheesh. I was in town roughing up some of the boys and I think.....I pulled a

muscle...right here.

G: Right where, honey? You never said you were going to rough guys up in town. Look, we talked about this. It's my job when you're in this condition to do all the fun....um, dangerous stuff. And you promised no more flips and stuff. Right?

X: < mumbling > Oh, fer crying out loud. The day I can't go and be my usual tough as nails warrior...well, let's just say Hades had better be selling tickets to the Zeus Follies.

G: So, you didn't flip, right? And what're the Zeus...Follies?

X: Heh... < trying to side track the bard >He used to have mud wrestling...then it was Frisky Frolics with Fennel Oil... < blinks slowly >

G: < taps her foot dangerously > Yoo hoo....Xe...na!

X: Huh? Oh...oh yeah...where was I? < winces as she rubs her girth >

G: How do you know about fennel oil and why don't l get to come, too?

X: < hides snicker with hand >...Heheh...yeah, I can just see you now...you'd be flailing your sais around thinking it was all real....heheh...my serious widdle bardypoo.

G: < wiggles away from having her cheek pinched > Stop that! I'm not the innocent little girl you think I am, Xena-I'm-so-worldly. And you never answered my question...no flipping...right!?

X: heheheh... < turns her back and picks at her expanding leathers > yeah, I can see you now...show up there in that tight little outfit and they'd match you up with some blonde bimbo or something...heheh.

G: Hey! Was that a blonde joke? Besides, I think I'd have lots of people wanting to be my partner. There are lots of...guys out there, ya know.

X: Oh here we go again. Like that guy we met in Chin? Yeah, he was a hoot...all serious like until you offered to buy him a shirt. Didn't cotton to red, huh?

G: Hey, he was a nice guy!

X: Gab, they are ALL nice guys...well, some of em are nicer than others, that's for sure. You don't know whether to kiss em or kill em. I usually opt for the latter, myself. Less maintenance that way.

G: So....you gonna stand there rubbing your tummy or get the oil for me?

X: Yeah, sure. Stand back and I'll reach it for ya.

Milling crowd is getting out of hand.

MC: XeeeeNa....XeeeeNa

G: Jeez, you didn't raise another army while I was cooking, didja? How come you get to have all the fun?

X: Hey, I didn't offer to make those little red filled things...you did. For which I'll be heartily grateful....when you finish makin em.

G: Well, that IS what the oil is for.

X: Ahhhh....what do you do with the left over stuff? < waggling eyebrows >

G: Huh?

X: Well, we could do our own oil wres....ouch...ouchouchouch!

G: Xena! Are you okay?

Milling Crowd is now banging on the door.

MC: You gonna come out or are we comin in!

G: Is there something you wanna tell me?

X: It's that muscle I pulled earlier...oooooowww..... < sits down heavily and groans loudly >

G: Were you....flipping?

X: < mumbles >

Door bursts open and some of the crowd push thru.

MC: We're here from the WCB.

G: Huh? WCB? Wassat?

MC: Warrior's Compensation Board

G: Xena?

X: Er....

G: What's this all about?

X: < wincing > I...uh....got a bit carried away.

MC: A bit carried away! You put Maniaclus's back out! And I'm not sure if Dorkus will ever be the same after that double flip on his....well, he's in a bad way, Warrior Princess!

G: You flipped!? You said...

X: Oh, so I flipped...what a pair of mother hens....what, you think it's easy getting the timing and such just right with this extra weight? it takes...owww.....skills, ya....oooooowwwwwww....know.

G: That's it...c'mere you...

MC: Hey.... < rubbing his pointed little head > I'm injured here.

G: Oh, you're gonna be injured alright, if you don't get the physician. I think she's gonna have the....Xena....what are you doing?

X: < squatting > It's more comfortable in this position...it's just my lower back and groin muscles...musta strained em some...hey, sorry about the guys, ya know?

MC: Well.....ya gotta be more careful. That extra 100 lbs is hard to...

X: Extra 100 lbs!? Why, I oughta.... < attempts to get up >

G: Well, ya did < pushes her back down > ...which is what got you into this....condition, in the first place. X: Oh please, Gabrielle < groaning >..leave off on that subject, will ya? I toldja I don't know how it happened.

MC: See, it's like this....a guy likes a girl, see...and then she..

X: Shuddap ...

G: ...and get the doctor!

MC: Geez....Warrior Raging Hormone....and her Bratty Bard. Hey, looks like the kid might be by Caesarian,

huh?... < ducking >

G: < squinting eyes at Xena >

X: What?

X: Gabrielle, honey...what's wrong?

G: Nothing.

X: Hooo boy.....not again....

G: < glaring defiantly > She's changed, Xe...really. You did, why can't she?

X: < exasperated > Cos she's a fruit cake.

G: I think you're jealous.

X: Honey baby cakes sweetie pie...I'm not jealous...she's a whacko.

G: Why, cos she thinks I'm....pretty? < tapping foot >....not jealous? Not even a little bit?

X: .... < zones out momentarily......'pretty skinny...pretty gullible...pretty...' > Yeah.....I mean, yeah, you're

pretty...really...so she's got good taste....she's still a whacko. And no...not even a bit.

G: Do you think l'm getting fat?

X: Huh...?

G: Fat...I said am l..

X: Oh l heard ya....fat. Nope...in fact...I think we'd better get Joxer to make some of his special stew and plump ya up some....

G: < visibly blanching >No!...erm.....okay...so you're not jealous...how come?

X: Cos she's a whacko....a dangerous whacko...

G: She's given up the sword...how could she be dangerous now?

X: Oh pulease....she's got you hoodwinked again....that's pretty dangerous...wool pulled right over your eyes...

G: You think... < sniff >...that I'm naive, don't you? You think...l'm just a gullible...

X: Well, you do have this history...Eli...that guy with the weird statues..Khrafstar..Crassus...

G: Okay, okay! I get the picture...

X: No, Gabrielle...you don't. That's the problem...

G: Is it time to see.....a counselor? Have we lost our way?

X: Krishna knows, I'd give my two arms to get my Gabby back...

G: Oh, Xe....

X: C'mere.....

As they ascend the staircase to heaven....

X: So...this is the Elysian Fields, huh? G: Nope...don't think so...look at all the neat stuff up here...and most of it is certainly not Greek. X: Hmmm.....tennis courts, volley ball....say, I don't know how l know these things... G: I guess when you die, you know everything. X: So, l guess we're really dead, huh? G: Hmmm.... X: So, did you know I just love your eyes? G: Hehe...um....no. There goes that theory. X: And that l think you are just the...

Angel....Ahem....none of that up here, ladies....walk this way..

X: I don't think l can walk that way....is that a hump he has? G: Xena! X: Well....!

Angel..so, here we have the swimming pool...

X: uh huh.. G: Nice...have any hot tubs? X: Heh...and soap? G: <smack >

Angel...and the bowling alley

X: Hey, that looks familiar...Have any chakrams up here?

Angel...< ignoring her > and the library

G: Oh, goodie...scrolls! X: Any blank ones? Or ones that have only a bit of writing on em?

Angel...why?

X: Oh, just making sure... G: <smack > X: Say, what's this wall here?

Angel....oh, nothing

X: Spill it, bud.

Angel...well...

G: C'mon already....people to see, places to go...yadda yadda....c'mon.

Angel...<grumpily > Well, it's for the Romans...they like to think they're the only ones up here.

X: Julie's up here!? Gods..ya don't say! G: How come that shmuck is up here! He was responsible... X: Now, now...don't get over rought, dear... G: <grumble > Well, that really hurt ya know...<flexing hands > I'll be surprised if l can write with these things... X: Maybe just....exercise em a bit....toots. G: <grin >

Angel...Ahem....actually, Julie..um, Caesar did make it here because altho he was led astray, he did do some good things...his work with Cleopatra...saving Ptolemy...creating the senate...

X: Ah....so, murder of Krasus, attempted murder of Pompey, Vercinix...and the creation of government as we know it...taxes, the poor, welfare...

Angel...heh....um.....<checking his list, checking it twice >

G: Gotcha there... X: < smugly > I think I'll have a lil word with Julie...be back later....toots. G: I think l hear a hot tub calling my name...<pinch > X: Whooo....baby. Forget old ironsides...

Angel...now, ladies....you're supposed to leave all the early wants and desires at the gates...

X: <leering at G > Another theory blown away...Don't you have some numbers to crunch...with the big guy?

Angel...erm.....<blushing at the antics of his new charges >

<<heard in the background...'angels, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears...'>

Angel....oh oh...be right back!

X: < fingers twitching >...c'mere you little vixen... G: Gotta catch me first...hehehehe X: I think l'm gonna like it up here...at least for a couple of months anyway... Later on... J: Angels, Romans, countrymen...lend me your ears... X: Can the heat, Julie...< wringing hair out after hot tub > J: Why, if it isn't the Warrior Princess....you're not...cross with me...are you? X: Nah...right back atcha....nice grouping, by the way. J: Mmmmm....yes, the senate did leave their mark X: Mark in on it, too? J: Ha. Ha. No, he was busy with Cleo...the slut. X: < smirk > Which one? J: < cough > So....just get here? Where's the irritating blonde? X: Gab...rie...elle....is still bathing. J: Yes, she was always good at bathing in certain waters.... X: Oh, you are on a roll, huh? So....whatcha up to? Trying to foment the masses again? J: They don't allow wine up here, Xeeeena X: < smirk >Yet. J: Oh, planning to do a little changing around here, too? X: We don't plan on being here that long. < brushing fingernails on robe > J: A way out? You've found a way back? X: Heh....let's just say...we weren't on the stick long enough..k? J: I'd argue the point with you if l hadn't been....under the knife at the time in question.... G: Hey, sweetcheeks... < sidling up to her lover > pinch X: heh....um, not now < whispering. > ..snookums...later G: Well, we have all the time in the world now... X: Nah...l don't think we oughta make ourselves a 'home' here, babe. G: You know something. Don't you. It's all a dream sequence...l've fallen for a cult and they've drugged me and it's all a dream! Oh my gods....!!! X: Take it easy there, bardomine....besides, I haven't seen any showers.... G: Ohhh.... < pheww! > ..so....whatzzup? J: She 'thinks' there's a way outta ....this. X: < stroking chin, puckering lips > Mabbe....mabbe not. G: You've got that look on your face again, Xe..... X: < leers at her lover > J: Yikes! That's just the way you looked in that....um....<cough> (shaking image of nude Xena outta his haid) X: < cocking an eyebrow > Wanna share? J: Gee....l um....think l hear my shrink calling....heheh....bubye. G: Now, whatcha s'pose got into him...? X: Hehe....well...I DO know what's getting into you....c'mere...

Angel....< sigh > We may have to send them back...before they ruin things up here.... An indeterminate amount of time, back on earth... Overcast skies painted with purples, blacks and greys...the crosses stand bleak against the low forboding horizon. Eli et al have left the bard and the warrior alone...having healed their gaping wounds...but alas....still no life signs from Xena.... X: < silence > G: You gotta come back, Xena...don't leave me...! X: < still silence > G: < shaking warrior silly...but still no response > Xe! <cries piteously > X: < nada > G: < lying down next to the woman....as a good friend would do... > X: < blue tinge to skin > G: You're so cold, Xena....let me warm you up.... X: < stiff as a board > G: I know...you're just in a really deep sleep, huh? I bet if I kissed you a little, just as a good friend, of course... X: < whites of eyes showing > G: < kissing cheek > You're skin...is so....<searching for something nice to say > ....unyielding. < deeply in denial > lX: < rigormortis sets in > G: < snuggling close > I think it's a center core issue here, Xena....l guess, like if you were suffering from hypothermia...l could just strip and...that'll work...yeah. <stripping them both but finding the warrior a bit heavier than she ever remembered > X: < arms stay at a somewhat awkward angle > G: Ya know...it would help if you kinda....co-operated, Xe....just a little? J: Um, Gabs? What are you doing? G: Eeeek! Don't ever do that again! Where you spying on me! J: < passing her a robe > Why are you um...all naked and....erm.....l didn't know you went in for that....stuff....(boy, still waters sure do run deep...shudder > G: You gotta help me, Joxer....it's Xena...l think she's sick J: sick of living....pushing up daisies...gone to her reward....d.e.a.d. G: What are you saying? J: < strong male like voice, no hint of whine > Come away with me, Gabrielle...we were meant to be together...forget this...this phase... G: In yer dreams, pal. < gazing lovingly at her....friend >

X: < stiff as a brick > G: I'm not going anywhere...l just realized....l love her....l really do. J: Yeah, well, you are good friends, and all. G: Who sleep in the same bedroll? J: So, ya got cold G: Had long hot tubs together, playing with 'who's got the soap'? J: you just like to be clean, is all....l love that about you...< sigh...blank look on his puss > G: Get over it. No...l've been denying it forever, Joxer....l.....l....l... J: Now, you sound like Xena... G: I want to BE with Xena....l...l.....l love her! J: You said that. G: I....I......this is hard....l....l'm....in.....love...with...her....<gasp > I said it...l did...and I mean it...l love Xena..and I want to ....have her baby....! J: Many skills, huh? Gee...l think it might be hard, her being dead and all... G: No...she can't be....she can't be after I've discovered how much l love her....Xena...Xena! <looks into the vacant eyes...the stiff posture...the cold blue skin... > this is the work of Aiden...gods, I hated that guy....< bending to tickle the WP's nose > nothing...< sniff > J: Tolja G: Shutup...just...shut up...< sniff > Well, one deep kiss won't hurt I guess....seeings I won't ever know the joy of our true love...except in my dreams... < cries bitterly > . < Leans in and kisses the woman very deeply....likes it and tries again....feels a hand on her butt... > . Joxer...you wanna drag back a bloody stump?? J: Wha.... G: < feels a tongue in her mouth > Eeek.....umm......mmmmmmmm..... J: Is....is .....she's alive!!! G: < mouth full > go 'way.....buzy.....mmmrph.. X: Gab....rie....elle.....l never knew....you...mmrph.... G: shut up and kiss me again....

Scene fades to black.....Fates stand there grinning...Aphrodite gives em all high fives...Ares seeths in background....

A: Caesar, you piss ant...! Can't you do anything right!!!! Callisto!!!!!!! Off stage.... RJ: I thought 'we' decided subtext was out? RT: I guess 'you' were wrong RJ: grumble....

Oh yeah....Jox can cook....but who wants both ends going constantly?

X: Hi, Jox...I'm home. Baby asleep?

J: Ahyuk....hey, sweetie....yup, snoring just like me <tries to kiss Xe but is elbowed out of the way by a petulent bard> Oh, hi Gabs.

G: Whatever....<sidling up to the warrior> um, Xe? I think I'm coming under the influence of some swami l met in the square today...l feel all over funny.

X: <arching an eyebrow> What, again? Geez....

J: I cooked yer favorite, Xena...raddish stew....yummy.

X: I'm beginning to feel all over funny myself.....<urp>

G: Yeah, let's go see if he's using possession or something....I might not really be me....maybe I'm.....some evil goddess.....<eyes rolling in their sockets>

J: Hey, that's the same look you had the other night when you stayed for dinner...Xena, you wanna taste my raddish dumpling surprise, doncha?

X: <patting her rebellious belly solicitously> Erm.......and how's Jr? I think I'll go get the baby and we'll go for a walk.....<catching the bard's eye....gesturing with her chin....escape>

J: <whining piteously> But, Xeeennaaa.....<the burbling mess in the fire pit threatens to escape its confines...cells splitting and morphing...

X: <throwing herself in front of the bard and baby> That's it, Jox....you're a danger to.....civilization as we know it! Quick, Gabrielle...to the batca....to the dome of si....um....let us away!

Joxer is left holding what is left of the iron spoon his new culinary experiment was devouring....

J: Ack! Xena, save me! It's....it's alive!!

G: Oh please...you'd think she had nothing better to do than run around saving people that just seem to attract trouble....geez, Joxer...get a life....

X: <giving the bard 'the look'> Uh huh....I've already got a full time job, eh Gabrielle.....<bard looks innocently, batting her eyelashes> Tell ya what, Jox...you feed that thing what's left of your helmet, armour and sword and if that doesn't kill it, feed it left overs.

Gabrielle helps to strap on the front snuggly to her warrior and then they exit, all smiles.

J: But Xeeeeenaaaaaaaa........l don wanna give up my warrior ways.....<ouch, stop that...get back!....Back, l tell you.....<throws his creation a fork...sees IT sit up and wag a morphing tail....>Aw, yer just a cutie, aintcha....

As the trio walk quickly away, Xena tries to blot out the past two years of her life...and Gabrielle mouths...."I owe ya, Ares...big time." Laughter is heard from the God of War and then the night is filled with a very large burp....

X: haven't I seen you somewhere before?

KU: Er...no.

X: hmmm...you remind me of someone...

KU: Er...no.

X: No...I bet if you got out of that hair shirt thingie...

KU: Er...no.

X: Sure...I could get a better look atcha...clean ya up...get rid of the bed hair...

G: Xena? What're you doing?

X: Oh hi, babe. Just....hold on a minute...give me that hair shirt, will ya buddy?

KU: Er...no.

X: Don't talk much, do ya?

KU: <silence>

G: Why are you trying to get this guy naked, Xena?

X: Doesn't he remind you of someone? Look past the...stuff.

G: Er...no.

X: Oh, don't you start!

G: Oookay...so, who do YOU think he looks like?

X: Hmmm.....<snapping fingers> I got it! Caesar! ya, that's it!

G: And you want him to take his clothes off to check....what? <arching an eyebrow and simultaneously narrowing her eyes...she's a bard...bards can DO that>

X: Heh...<silence>

G: Hey, you...c'mere....<looks the guy up and down closely> He doesn't even look a teeny tiny bit like old Starch Shorts...

X: Oh, puleeze...yes he does.

G: no, he doesn't.

KU: No, I don't.

X: You keep outta this...yes he does! And i can prove it...c'mere you...<smoooooooch>

G: you...you...kissed him! Right on the mouth in front of me...ack!

X: oh, grow up...like I didn't have a life before you wandered in. <snort>

G: <spew!> Wha?

KU: I'll be leaving now...

X: Ok...fine...so he didn't kiss as good as Caesar...close, but no cigar, pal...see ya.

G: Is there...something you wanna tell me?

X: Er...no.