Parodies II

by ArdenTly

Disclaimers: The usual..

Parody: The Moment of Truth

By ArdentTly

Ya know, I've been thinking lately. What if X and G really ARE having sex? With each other. What if they've decided to take their friendship to the next level and have decided to become a...twosome? And what if Xena has decided to tell her mother and share the good news? And what if Greece wasn't as open minded as we'd like to think? What if they were as close minded as some of us are now?

X: Hello, Mother.

C: Well, daughter. It's been a long time. So tell me, any special someone in your life?

X: heh...get right to the point, don't you, Mother. Well, actually, yes. There is a special person. I was meaning to tell you about h...

C: Oh, do tell! Finally, grandchildren, setting down and forgetting those warrior ways, wearing some decent clothing! Oh, I'm so happy!

X: Um, Mother?

C: And moving back into town, getting a respectable job...I think you could get a fair price for your sword and you might even get something for that horse.

X: No way. And I'm not selling my sword either. Mother, what makes you think that I'd do all that just because I've fallen in love?

C: < Gasp! > Xena in love? I never thought I'd see the day. In lust, surely. Repeatedly. And with..

X: < Ahem! >

C: Yes dear. Well, it isn't every day that a mother hears her warrior daughter has fallen in love and is going to settle down. I must make plans for a party! Oh, this will be fun.

X: <sighing> Mother, I'm in love with a woman.

C: Stunned silence.

crickets are heard off stage

X: Did you hea...

C: Yes! I heard you, I just don't believe you. I mean...look at you. Nice strong strapping woman, good figure, nice you can't cook or clean or mend. I'm sure you have many fellows knocking down your door...

X: As a matter of fact...all the time. And this is not a good thing, trust me. But that's neither here nor there. It's not a man that I want, Mother. I want her.

C: I blame this on your father. Yes, it's all his fault. If he hadn't tried to kill you. And that Draco fellow...

X: < sigh > Mother...

C: What about that Martin fellow?

X: Mart....oh, you mean Marcus. Yes, he was special but he wasn't THE one. She does everything for me, Mother...she moves me...

C: < fanning herself > I'm not sure I want to hear this. No, I KNOW I don't want to hear this.

X: Oh, Mother. She's wonderful, has a sense of humour, is brave, silly, smart, talented, and her oral skills..

C: < faints dead away >

G: < Peering from the doorway > Argo's all settled in. Xena! What happened to Cyrene!? X: I told her about us.

G: You... < cough > think she hates me?

X: < sigh >No. She asked if I was going to get married and settled down.

G: Well, you are!

X: With a guy.

G:.......oh. Well...oh.

X: yeah, oh.

C: < groaning >

X: Gabrielle, will ya get me something to drink?

G: Oh, jeez...sure, ho....Xena.

C: Oh, my head. I must be dreaming. The most eligible woman in this village and you tell me you want to spend your life with a woman! With all that sex appeal? Xena, what are you thinking!?

X: Mother, I know what I want. Finally. I'm sure of who and what I am. I'm happy with that.

C: It's those Thespians you've been hanging around with...they've rubbed off on you..they've twisted you, darkened your soul... <blubbering>

X: <Standing up and pulling the woman into a chair>

Do we have to do this right now? I just came for a visit and to tell you...oh, thanks Gabrielle. Here, Mother. Drink this.

C: < takes a hefty swig and spews the contents all over Xena >Ack! I need to come to my senses not knock me out of them, girl! < peering closer > Oh. It's you, Gabrielle. I'm glad you're here. Maybe YOU can knock some sense into Xena. She says....well, I'm not sure if you know this...but, well, she says she's in love with...a woman. Did you ever?

G: < gulp >

X: < hiding smirk > Yeah, Gab...did you ever?

G: < smack! > Er...sorry about the grog...I thought the drink was for Xena. You DID say get ME a drink, didn't you, Dear...friend?

C: Oh, that's all right, dear. < patting hand >It was a thoughtful gesture anyway. Nice girl like you should be settled down, Gabrielle. Any mother would be pleased to have you as a daughter in law. Come to think of it, you were married already, weren't you?

G: Yes, I was. < beaming > To a wonderful man who..

X: < cough >

G: Yeah, nice guy, got killed, I'm over him now.

X: Mother, just leave the subject alone, will you? She doesn't need a match maker and neither do I. I've found my heart's desire and...

C: It must be all those lonely nights out on the road. Yes, you're just lonely, Xena. Why, you should be like your little friend here. I see lots of men around her, although not so much lately. Have you found someone, too, Gabrielle?

X: < grumbling >Bloody red shirts sniffing around...send em all to Tartarus...Not like you discourage them either...

C: Pardon, dear?

X: < mumble >

G: Yes! yes, I've found someone, Cyrene. Someone special and loving and tender. Someone who's getting in touch with their loving and forgiving side. Right, Xena?

X: < glaring >

G: Heh. < gulping again > Well, must be going. We just dropped by to say hello. Hello. < dragging Xena to the door >

C: Perhaps you've just not met the right man, Xena. Perhaps Martin was too tender for you. Maybe you need a man who's got strength and power and position and a...

X: < whispering > Please don't let her say Hercules...please...

C: ...a sense of his own Destiny. Yes...

X: < groaning > Mother.

C: I hear that Roman chap is the most eligible..

X & G: We. Are. Not. Going. There!

C: Oh? Well, perhaps a better diet. You are getting a little thin, dear. Some nice red meat...perk you right up. Your iron must be low. Come to think of it, you ARE getting to be rather past it, aren't you? Not having any hot or cold flashes, are you, dear?

X: I'm having one right now, as a matter of fact. < growling >

C: Well, that's it then! Yes. You just need to see a herbalist. He'll fix you right up.

X: <grabbing Gabrielle and pushing her towards the door > What I NEED is a bard.

C: < quizzically > A bard?

G: Heh...what she means is my skills as an orator...I'll tell her some stories...

C: Skills? Orator? < gasp > It''s you she's in love with! Ack! Out of my house, you hussy! You Thespian, you! You...

X: That is it, Mother! Now, stop it right now...

C: Twisting my innocent, sweet, daughter...

X & G: Heh?

C: Ruining her chances of ever having a normal life...

X: < sucking teeth >Ya know, Mom. I was going to tell you that I'd fallen in love with Gabrielle and that we were going to be married...but well...

C: < squeaking voice > ma...married?

X: < grinning evilly >Why, yes. It was going to be an Amazon betrothal. With a Centaur as my best man. And half naked women dancing and leaping around. And then we'd bid you farewell and begin our own celebration...cavorting until all hours of the night and day and night and... C: I don't feel well.

X: But since you don't approve of me marrying the fair bard....

C: < hopeful >Yes? You've come to your senses? You've realized what a mistake it would be? X: Gabrielle, hon. Go get Argo, wouldja?

G: yes, dear.

X: That's my girl. No mother, I've decided...we'll just live in sin.

C: < crash! >

G: D'ya think we'd better leave her like that? maybe we should...

X: Nah. She made her mess, let her lie in it.

Parody - TOTKO
By ArdentTly

X: So, I'll just go up to my room now, Mother.

C:'t do that...You'll be sleeping in the room beside mine. It'll be nice and quiet. X: Huh? <thinking of the bard and quiet in the same sentence>

C: There isn't a problem, is there dear?

X:, that's fine....<mumbling...Gabrielle isn't due until tomorrow>

C: Well, the inn is pretty booked right now, Xena, so be pleased because you have the only unshared room..there are some advantages to being the inn keepers daughter, after all.

X: Um...well, Gabrielle is coming...

C: Oh, I've got her in, Lilla...yes.

X: Oh, l think Lilla'd be much more comfortable with Minya, Mom.

C: Lilla and Minya? They have nothing in common... that Minya woman might keep her up all night...and with that mouth and the noise, well...alright, I'd better put them at the other end of the inn.

X: Ummm......what noise?

C: Well, she was telling me about being a.....well, you know.

X: A you know....what, mom?

C: A....thespian. That mouth will keep poor Lilla up all night.

X: <blushing slightly, thinking of her own oral skills...and a certain bard that wouldn't be coming....tonight.>

C: So, maybe you should be in there with Minya. What do you think? Xena? <the warrior snaps out of her brief reverie>

X:'ll have to sacrifice my room and share too....but I think Gabrielle will be a better choice....after all, we've already ....shared know...baths, bedrolls...that sort of thing. C: Bedro.....?<suddenly thinking back to the last time the two stayed at the inn...those noises....> Xena dear, is there something you want to tell me?

X: 'Bout what?

C: Well, I.......are, it's just too.....

X: Mother....spit it out.

C: Are you a....thespian, too?

X: Ahhhhh.....

C: Oh dear...perhaps I'd better put you out in the barn...with Argo. <pausing thoughtfully> Xena? X: Yeah...?

C: I never noticed before....but your horse looks....shifty.

X: Heh...yeah, she's a killer, Mom.

Parody(untitled) by ArdentTly

Watching the last two eps of XWP has me thinking about the dynamics of their relationship. While we have wandered far from the madding crowd, so to speak, with regards to the physical demonstrations of said relationship, I do think there have been subtle moments that bare examination. For me, it's far easier to examine them through comedy

Scene opens at the household of X and G. X is terribly pregnant, lying on her bed, face flushed, with a physician by the bedside, cold compress on her forehead. The bard is nibbling her lower lip and worrying the cuticles on her fingers to frayed ends.

The physician sighs dramatically as he checks X's blood pressure and temperature. Tsking to himself, he begins to put his instruments back into his little black bag. Xena shoots a worried look at her spouse.

X: You can tell me, doc. What is it? Is the baby...

P: No, no...the baby is fine...for now.

G: Whatcha mean 'for now'?

P: Well, I think maybe Xena has been too physical lately. Any little thing seems to set her off. It's not good for you or the child. <pauses pointedly> She's not a young woman anymore, after all.

X: <sputter> Why you...

P: See? Look at your face? All red and sweating. You'll have to take it easy or there could be serious complications, my dear.

X: <fanning herself> Serious? <she squeaked> Consequences? Like...what?

P: Well, one never knows. You could have the baby too early or there might be some damage to the child. There have been some children...

<bang, bang!>

J: Hey, Xena! Gabrielle!? I broughcha a pot of my turnip stew! I know how you guys love the stuff. <trips over his own feet and falls into the stew> Ouch!! Anybody home?

X: <turning a pasty white> Urp...oh, by the you think...he's one of those kids? Maybe his mother...

G: <arching an eyebrow as Joxer pushes his way into the room> That could explain so many things.

X: Ack!

G: I'll make sure <addressing the doc> that she takes it easy, doctor. We don't want


P: Good, see that you do. Oh, hello. And you are?

J: Hiya, doc. <gives the doc a gooey turnip handshake> I'm a good friend of the family. Joxer's my name. Say, am I too late for the initial examination? I could help, ya know? Being that Xena's so big now, she prolly needs help taking her boots off...Hey Xena, you know you have boots on, right? I mean, I know you can't see em anymore...but..<grabs Xena by one boot, attempting to lever her boots off>

X: <smack!...reaching for her sword> Put me down! I oughta...

J: Ooooouuch! Whyja hafta do that? I'm just tryin to help.

G: Don't help. Just...don't help.

P: Tell me, son. Where you dropped on your head when you were a baby? Did your mother do a full term with you?

J: <scratching chin> Hmmm....I dunno. I remember playing with dust bunnies alot when I was little. Gee, can a person get a jail term for having a kid?

P: <muttering>

X: Go! Just...just go, Joxer...

G: Please,'re upsetting Xena.

J: Gee, your face is so purple...kinda matches that old banner you have up on the wall...

X: You keep it up and that banner will see service again, you...

G: Now, now...<pushing Joxer out of the room and slamming the door>...sweetie? Calm down...relax

X: Relax? RELAX!? Oh my gods, we could end up having a kid like Joxer! <casting worried look at physician>

P: No, no, no....that would mean oodles of stress and strenuous activity, not to mention the presence of a certain chemical in the water. Now, if you had high levels of pressure and stress and were under a constant state of siege...well, then...

X: <gulping> I....don't feel so good. My stress levels lately have been...kinda...high lately.

G: Yeah...

P: Well, she has about six weeks to go. It's best that she take it very easy from now on. No fits of temper, no strenuous activity of any kind...

X: Like what? <narrowing eyes>

G: Define 'strenuous activity'

P: Well, I understand you're a warrior. Well, that has to stop immediately. And you seem to have a rather volatile temper. Can't do that. Not good for the baby.

G: So, she has to stay in bed?

X: By myself, without visitors?

P: No no can go for walks, do some shopping...

G: Some swimming? Camping?

X: <smiling winningly> I like camping and swimming

P: Well, I suppose so. As long as it were of short duration

X: Just a couple of laps, that sort of thing?

P: <stroking his beard> Yes...I think that would be alright. Physical activity is good for both mother and child but you don't want to do anything to elevate the blood pressure alarmingly.

G: So being cranky isn't a good thing?

X: Hey, I haven't been cranky for years!

G: <arching an eyebrow>

X: Hey, doc? You ever hear any stories about Xena: Warrior Princess being...cranky?

P: Er...

X: See? <smug look on her face>

G: <sighing with exasperation> Yes, dear.

The physician gives them his bill and leaves. Gabrielle snatches it away and puts it down the front of her bra.

G: Ah ah ah...nope...might upset you.

X: <Sigh>....and I don't have access to that particular place...since when?

G: Well, it might be too...exciting...your blood pressure...

X: ...will rise if you don't get over here

G: But what about the baby?

X: Oh...l think we can take it nice and slow, take our time...You could just lie there quietly.

G: Better put the swing and toys away until after the baby, huh? Things might be a little boring.

X: <wistful look on face> I'm sure we'll find something to keep my interest. C'mere, you

G: <giggle>

Later on in the village, X and G are taking a leisurely stroll while they get groceries.

X: My back is killing me

G: Oh, maybe we were too stren...

X: no no...loved every minute of it. I feel pretty good, actually. It's the walking that's killing me.

G: Oh, wanna sit down for a while?

X: Why? Do I look tired? Am I getting too old?

G:, I just thought...

X: I'm as strong as an ox, Gabrielle. You know that. Nothing's changed

G: No, dear. Except for the mood swings

X: I'm in full control of my mood swings and I can still handle all sorts of see anyone needing help, Gabrielle? <peering around the market place> Maybe I could just...

G: You know what the doctor said

X: Oh, that quack. Prolly doesn't know what he's talking about...

G: Well, just the same, no fighting for you...and no jumping!

X: Spoil sport <grumbling> Besides, you can't handle the day to day trials of beating off the bad guys, Gab. That's my job. I'll let ya have some of the smaller ones...

G: <sigh> Oh, Xena...I can handle them just fine. You'll see <rubs hands together gleefully, thinking of all the fun she gets to have with bullies, braggarts and bandits>

Xena proceeds to go on and on about how the bard is too small in stature, too inexperienced in the ways of a warrior, that they had an agreement...she did the fighting and the bard did the talking. Gabrielle rolls her eyes wondering when her lover would really see her as an equal and then tries to think of the last time she wrote a poem.

Two men come out of nowhere as Xena checks out the summer squash. Gabrielle kicks one of them and grabs the squash out of Xena's hand, knocking the next guy flat with it.

X: <totally oblivious> Hey! I was gonna buy that!

G: Nah, too hard, trust me. Wasn't ripe. <dusts hands off and picks basket up>

X: Say, what are you doing back there? Can't keep up, huh?

G: I'm fine, Xena...just checking out the wares

X: Well, I'm gonna buy these....hey, shop keeper? How much?

Gabrielle fumbles with her change as Xena proceeds to get into a tiff about the prices.

X: I won't pay it, ya thief! I'll offer ya....two dinars...for the three of em.

SK: What do you take me for!? You are the th..

G: Holds up another dinar questioningly

SK: Well...I don't know...they are very good squash this year...very meaty and filled with vitamins for a growing child

X: I need to grow anymore...look, take it or leave it

G: Holds up TWO more dinars

SK: You drive a hard bargain. Sold.

X: <Turns to her lover> Heheh...betcha couldn't have gotten them for that price

G: No, dear

A man tries to grab the bard around the throat as two more come in from the side, swords at the ready and aimed at Xena. Dropping back alittle, she stomps on the one man's foot, elbows the other, and then grabbing his sword, uses the hilt to knock out the third. Brandishing the sword, Gabrielle twirls it around, exchanging it from hand to hand, showing off the prowess she learned with the sais. The guy yelps and leaves in a hurry.

Gabrielle wipes the sweat from her brown, tosses the sword to a shop owner in exchange for a platter of red filled dumplings and catches up to her sweetie, who is checking the fish out.

X: Gabrielle? Now, where did...Oh, there you are. You want fish tonight? Or maybe...say, you look tired, hon. Maybe I wore ya out earlier?

G: <catching breath> yeah...that's it...

X: Heh...<puffing up some> I still got it

G: Yes, my sweet warrior, you still do

X: Aw...say, what's that you have?

G: Oh...just something I thought you'd like.

X: <peers closer> Oh! My favorite! That is so nice of you!

G:, let me take that fish for you <pays the fishmonger>

X: you really are awfully sweet to me. I don't know how I deserved getting such a...<sniff> wonderful...<sniff> caring...

G: Now, now...don't get upset

X: I'm not upset! I'm just...<damned mood swings>...I think I got a cinder in my eye

G: Yeah, that must be it

X: <sniff>

G: So. you ready to go home?

X: <putting hand to small of back> Yeah, I guess we should. You do look tired.

G: Tired? Oh! yeah...a bit. Maybe I should lie down.

X: yeah?

G: Yeah. I could use a...nap

X: Heheh...say, that works for me

G: Thought it might. Now see? No stress is helping, huh?

X: Some days are just like that, Gabrielle. Nothing happens. Pretty boring, huh? Ah well...maybe there'll be some action tomorrow and I can bang a few heads together...

G: But no jumping.

X: no dear...<smiling>

Passive Parody

by ArdentTly

X: Well, l'm off to do some major butt kicking...<nice grin on face>

G: Just wait and I'll get Avon come by earlier when I was out?

X: <shrugs> See ya.

G: But l wanna come, too.

X: <smirks>

G: <smacks Xena across the midsection> Oh, you know what l mean.

X: Heh...yeah, later? <pats the little woman on the bee hind>

G: Hey....HEY! Where you go, I go. And I dunno about later.....<pout>

X: But it's not your way, anymore, babykins...l don't want you getting hurt. <pinches cheek>

G: <growling under breath> I'm coming with you.

X: And do what? Your Mary Whozzits makeup stuff didn't come today....whatcha gonna do, talk em to death?

G: Hey, it's Avon....Mary K is clumpy. And I use it as a weapon, not makeup. And ya, I used to be pretty good with my mouth.

X: < used to do a lot of things with yer...staring blankly off into space> ahem

...well, love of my don't now so stay home and....whatever.

G: That is it....<looking skyward> I'm sorry Eli...but this bites...I can't do it anymore...l've had it...l tried...gods knows, I really did...but Salmonius is starting to ask questions...what do l I apply rouge to my ni....

X: there a point to your muttering or is Tataka back in town?

G: Ha Ha. You just want me to lick your face again....<Xena leers> Later....first, let's kick some butt!

X: Really?? Really, really? Yer not kiddin me, are ya?

G: <bats her eyes>

X: Alright! I'm gonna get some...I'm gonna get some...ahem...l mean, we're gonna kick ass...we're gonna kick ass...

Preggers Xena Parody

By ArdentTly

An obviously pregnant Xena wearing a Mau Mau is seen standing on a corner while her erstwhile mate does a bit of window shopping.

X: <taking flip top model out of her cleavage> Yeah, listen...I'm on the corner of Athens and wanna rustle me up a chariot...three seater, for me and my little bard....oh, and we need to make one stop over near the Appian Way....gotta get a go. With anchovys....I hear those fishies a calling me. Hold on a sec, will ya? Hey, Gabri...elle...get some sea bass and baklava, will ya? <The bard grimaces...but is getting used to the unusual appetite her lover has acquired>.

G: Yeah, okay...and don't forget the tailor...gotta pick up your altered leathers..

A group of badies come at them, swords raised in anger.

BG: Get her, men...she's got that sissy bard with her...we can take em!

X: Oh look watcha said. <sighs dramatically while rubbing tummy>

G: Me? You talkin to ME? Sissy?? Now where did l put that compact...

X: Ermm.....wrong weapon, Gabrielle.

G: Oh? ....oh seen my net anywhere, sweetcheeks?

X: No....and I toldja about public displays of affection...undermines my authority...<slight pout on face>

G: Heh....ooookay...<whispering> Sweetcheeks, pussyboobumpkins

BG: Listen...are we gonna do this or is she gonna give us a manicure?

X: <Rolling her eyes> You really don't keep up with things, do ya? Sheesh....well, don't say I didn't warn ya..<winks at the bard> Can you handle this, dear? I'm feeling a little...tired right now.

G: <helps the WP to a nice comfy bench> You got it....<she says sweetly before turning her ire upon those that would interupt their outing> Manicure....! <grabs butthead's sword and brandishes it in his face, shaving off half his mustache in the process> I'll give ya a manicure...ya.....ya....holligan, you! It's getting so two women in love can't even walk the streets without being today...

X: <watching as they run off> Heh....nice job, Gabrielle

G: <whips around fast, almost taking the WP's eye out>

X: Geez...will ya watch it?? That's no play thing, ya know..

G: <grinning sheepishly> Well, you use one...and you make it look sooo easy, Xena..

X: <puffing ample chest out> Heh...well....just one of my many skills, Gabrielle..heh.

G: Well, I've been meaning to talk to you about that, Xena...I know you have many...many....many many many...skills..heh...but just how did you get again? Not that l doubt the story you gave me...

X: What story? It's true! I swear it...Cupid took pity on us and gave me a tool that would aid us in our quest for familyhood....that's what l've been doing all those nights in the woods...really.

G: Uh huh...

X: It's a magic, thingy....

G: Magic is never screamed like that for me...

X: Heh...oh look....! Here comes our chariot...<wiping sweat off her brow>

G: Say, Xena....was Cupid wearing red when you saw him last?

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