Tin Cans and Strawberries

Disclaimers: Xena, Gabrielle, Joxer, and the occasional mentioning of Lucifer and Eve – they don’t belong to me. As a matter of fact they belong to those people at RenPics and USA and I am borrowing them for a wee bit. Otherwise, the entire story is mine, created from some weird, out of this world dream I had (yes it really was a dream of mine – though some, if not many parts were added to give this a more "story" feel to it). It’s mine and you can’t have it.

Subtext: The leading ladies do kiss and subtext is implied a lot.

Violence/Language: I think that there is a word "damn" in there somewhere. Other than that, it’s not violent.

Comments, feedback, constructive criticism and other such things are welcome to my email, though thrashing will be ignored. Be kind as this was just me poking a little fun, and the crazy going-ons of what happens in my dreams. blueraven@xenafan.com

A deep rumbling resonated through the world as an all powerful, evil being plotted his take-over of the earth. Before his cloaked figure was a mass of tin and aluminum cylinders, piled up as high as a house, and stacked like a pyramid…

"It’s called a stack of canned goods, idiot!…. damn narrators can’t get it right…" said the cloaked figure to me.

Sorry… as I was saying…

A mass of tin and aluminum…

"And they are all aluminum!"

Hey! You want this told or not?!

"Yeah, yeah…."

A mass of aluminum cans stacked as high as a house stood before the dark creature before as he showed his hideous face from beneath its shroud, his mouth chortling with insane glee. It was the devil, and not just your run of the muck evil creature of hell, but this was the real thing. In later millennia he would claim to me (the narrator) during my interviews that those monotheistic religions had him all wrong…. sure he was there to provoke chaos and try to bring hell on earth, and basically be evil, but at least he did his job right. He would often claim that Lucifer had unjustly kicked him off his thrown. (Mostly because Xena had helped to change Mr. Goodie-two-shoes-I-am-so-full-of-myself Lucifer become the king of Hell… they totally messed up the history with that). I digress…

"Like hell you’ll digress…Here, I’ll take over and you can do your narrator stuff with the other things. Okay, I’m the devil, I am reeeaaallly mean – the king of all darkness and evil, and you see that stack of cans? That is how I am going to take over the world. That top can is full of strawberry preserves, my most powerful weapon of destruction (you will see this if you zoom in on the label that it is indeed a can of strawberry preserves) and NO ONE is going to stop me, not even Xena and her girlfriend!!!!!" He started cackling with glee – thus give me time to narrate – as his plot took root…


"Xena," Gabrielle said as they exited the comforts of a cool morning bath and fishing, "Do you ever get the feeling that something is out of place in the world today?"

"Sure I do, but maybe not for the reason that I’m thinking…" Xena said, noting the lack of clothing on either the bard or herself.

"You know what I mean!" Gabrielle said with playful exasperation to the warrior.

"So what you’re saying is that you’ve been having those weird premonitions again or something?"

Drying off her short blond locks, Gabrielle said, "Yah, like I dunno, it seems like there is some great evil that will be coming to take over the world or..."

"Shhhhh!!!" Xena said, suddenly coming to her feet and abruptly covering Gabrielle’s mouth, "You’re starting to sound like Eve and no offense to the gal, but you know how some of the fans don’t like to talk about her…"

"Right, but Xena, she’s your daughter," Gabrielle protested indignantly.

"Yeah, that’s why I am not totally blaming her," She pulled up close to Gabrielle and whispered, "She only gets half credit because of bad writing, but don’t tell that God Tapert I said so…" Gabrielle nodded.

"So Gabrielle, tell me about this bad feeling," Xena started propping herself up having dressed herself.

"I told you I’m not really sure, I…" she paused as a loud, sinister rumble could be felt through the ground startling both of the women.

"Well, I guess that’s our cue, trouble’s a muck and you know what that means, we have to get moving." Xena stood up and pulled on her armor and boots. She looked up suddenly to see Gabrielle jumping up and down, "singing" inanely…

"Amuck…amuck, amuck, amuck, amummfft" Gabrielle stopped suddenly as her lips were captured by Xena’s in a rather sweet, and oddly sensual kiss which altogether ended too soon.

"What was that for?" The surprised bard asked.

Xena smirked, "To shut you up, you really need to stop watching Hocus Pocus so often."

"I meant the kiss, why’d you stop?"

Xena pondered this a minute, "Well, I guess it’s because of the censors…" The both paused and looks on a moment as a little girl in a quaint little dress with braided pigtails walked right across the field and disappeared into the woods, her eyes void as if she hadn’t noticed the bard or the warrior.

"The censors?" Gabrielle asked.

"Yeah, you know, I figured if we got too intimate they might be cut."

"Oh, well you owe me…after that Tapert God ends this chapter of our life, we’ll get some privacy."

Xena grinned widely in anticipation, "Okay bardie-girl."

"Don’t call me that!"

They walked off in silence for about a half an hour before a confused bard turned her blond head to Xena in question. "Xena?"


"How do you know where we are going to fight this evil? We just up and left."

Xena thought for a moment before answering, "I always figured it was one of those weird coincidences that always happened…you know? Like how I knew exactly where the Furies were going to be when I decapitated them to try and get them out of Ares’s head."

"Right, so if we just keep on walking, the ‘writers’ will take us wherever we need to go?" Gabrielle asked almost rhetorically.


Soon, Xena and her bard arrived at the base of a great mountain. Surveying the base of the mountain, the two of them found a conveniently located inn to keep Argo II and their belongings at. Xena….

"HEY NARRATOR!" Xena shouted

What is it?

"How come you always call her Argo II? Wouldn’t it be easier to call her Argo?"

I ‘spose…on with the story if there will be no further interruptions…

"Ehh right, carry on!!"

Xena turned to Gabrielle to speak, "Gabrielle I can feel it here, that evil you talk about. It feels like it’s coming from beneath us, ready to pounce on us at any moment."

"We need to get moving then, Xena." Gabrielle agreed.

"Together?" Xena said holding her hand out, though it was more of a statement than a question.

"Together," Gabrielle agreed as they started up the grassy foot of the mountain.

"WHOA!" they shouted together as they nearly ran over a little girl in a quaint little dress with braided pigtails who had crossed their paths. She said nothing but nodded her apology and continued to walk on. She picked up a daisy on the way.

"Weird," was all Gabrielle said, shaking her head. They once again started up the mountain.

Two Hours Later….

About halfway up the mountain, Xena and Gabrielle paused suddenly when the distinct sound of clanking metal and clumsiness was brought to their attention. They stopped short a few steps, as if on cue, right when Joxer fell flat on his face – having tripped over a rather large rock.

"Hello Xena, I thought you were in the area," He said, picking himself up and shaking off the dirt rather unsuccessfully as he regained his composure.

Gabrielle leaned over and muttered quietly to Xena, "What was that you said about the unusual and yet frequent coincidences again?"

Xena only grinned a bit, without an answer sufficient beyond what she (and Gabrielle) could truly guess since a lot of what happened in their world was because of some great creator named Tapert who basically had control over everything in the world of Xena and Gabrielle as we know it today. (Including those ghastly deaths that had occurred one too many times. Upon asking Xena and Gabrielle, they both found the number obscene, and were only thankful of them because it made for some great "I love you’s").

"Well Xena," Joxer said, "I am here again, Joxer the Mighty ready for battle. I had heard that there was some kind of evil going on…don’t know how either."

The somewhat stoic, yet amused warrior looked at Gabrielle and then back at Joxer. Rolling her eyes, she grumbled out loud something along the lines of, "C’mon, let’s all get going," while the duo of companions followed to catch up with her. Of course it was inevitable that they would eventually get separated and somehow – and unknown by any sources as to how – Joxer became frozen in a block of ice.

Don’t ask me how much later (they were farther up the mountain though)…

Wandering, well maneuvering really, around some rather large boulders, Xena and her faithful partner, Gabrielle, concentrated on two very important facts: how to avoid tripping over the boulders and why on all bloody earth they were half dressed in this weather!!! (It was snowing). All of a sudden they fell down a hole. As they reached for each other in what would supposedly be their last moments together, it began to heat up immensely (bringing memories back from times when they were dead and they had visited Hell) thus giving them the right impression that this was indeed one of the pits of Hell. That of course, didn’t stop them from either making those ever present proclamations of love to each other, or cursing in the polytheistic terms of "damn it all to Hades" or "By the Gods, not again!" or the occasional "F" word that really and truly wasn’t even invented in ancient Greece - let alone being non religion related. But I digress again and on and on they fell, clinging to each other when they landed on something with a loud "CLANG! CLATTER!!! CLATTER!" – basically the sound of a bunch of cans falling down – as they landed on top of Mr. Prince of Darkness’s rather large stack of aluminum cans. This also meaning that they knocked over his "most powerful" can of strawberries, and thus thwarted his devious plans to take over the world. Screaming in the angst of having his plot foiled, he eventually served punishment via the warrior princess (a.k.a. he had his immortal guts skewered – of course in the confidence that he is not mortal, did not die).

Up by some hills near the mountain was a little girl in a quaint little dress and braided pigtails who kept on playing with a daisy – and no one ever did figure out who she was or why she was there.


No tin can wielding devils were harmed during the production of this story. However, he did suffer minor scarring and is preparing to sue the make-up department for their misdemeanor.

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