By Celine - email@example.com
Copyright © 2001
Disclaimers: This story depicts a consensual loving relationship between two incredibly spiffy women, and is really very silly. I don't own the characters. There is a very wee bit of foul language, but definitely not any worse than you'd see on the show. No violence. Sex is definitely alluded to, but not depicted.
Warning, or Plot? What's that?: This has to do with the holiday Easter, but the religious aspects were left out, and the commercialism aspect left in.
Spoilers: This story takes place in the 6th season, after Return of the Valkeries. So, some spoilers are in there in very small doses, and are up through and including the 6th season.
Age/moral/legal warning:The story has lesbian content, so proceed at your own risk. And, hey... if you're under the age of consent in your area, go download some illegal MP3s or something, and come back when you're of age. If reading this is illegal where you live, please consider moving to a place with more progressive laws. And running water. If you're not interested in reading this story for whatever reason, might I suggest a nice visit to Disney.com? Speaking of Disney, have you ever wondered why Donald Duck never wears pants?
To all ye webmasters out there: Please don't post this thing elsewhere without my permission. But ask away... I'm easy. And feel free to link to it, if that's your thang.
Thanks to: Oh, pretty much everyone... including the Beyond Uber site and mailing list (you guys rock!), the world of Xena fanfic, Raven, Carrie and AJ, and the Purple Plaything (my Honda scooter).
Feedback: Yeah, good idea. You can email me at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Another silly story plug: Uber Is As Uber Does. I wrote it. It's an uber (sort of), in case you couldn't get that by the title. Go read it. Thank you.
One more thing: Don't really have anything else to say; I just thought I'd see if I could make the disclaimers longer than the story (if you want to call it that) itself. Yes, friends, "it's the disclaimer that never ends... it goes on and on, my friend... some people started reading it not knowing what it was... and they'll continuing reading it forever just because it's the disclaimer that never ends..." (Special thanks to Saundra for the inspiration for this particular disclaimer.)
Imagine if you will, that Xena and Gabrielle celebrated Easter in their time of ancient warlords, gods, and various people with bad hair you always see in the openings of the 6th season shows. What would their first Easter be like? Here's one possible scenario.
"You bought a what?"
"Yes, a bunny. You have that sumac gunk in your eyes again, Xena?"
"My eyesight is fine, thank you very much. I thought you didn't like bunn... damn it. I thought you didn't like rabbits, Gabrielle. You haven't let me kill one for dinner since I turned those last rabbits to stone in Chin."
"I like this one. Isn't he cute?"
"Adorable. Why does that... um, bunny, have bows tied to its ears?"
"It's an Easter bunny. I bought it at the market in town earlier today while you were off riding Argo, the sequel."
"Why did you buy a rabbit, Gabrielle?? I could find at least a dozen out here in the forest. They wouldn't cost a thing."
"But they wouldn't be Easter bunnies, Xena. This one's special. Besides, where would you find such cute little bows this time of night?"
"What in the name of various gods, some living and some not so living, is Easter? And what does it have to do with rabbits? And bows for that matter."
"Eh... not really sure, Xena. But the nice salesman said everyone just has to have an Easter bunny. And eggs. A lot of eggs. He tried to tell me the bunny would lay such eggs, but I didn't believe it. I mean, sure I've been attacked by a rabid rabbit from Tartarus, been to hell and back, met and given birth to various godlike beings, been inhabited by a strange lady with way too much makeup in India, ridden a flying horse, and even been kissed by Joxer – okay, I still can't believe that one – but I just can't see a bunny laying eggs. So I bought some."
"Okay, I can understand buying eggs. I am getting pretty hungry."
"No, Xena! You can't eat them. We have to hide them. And then let our children find them. Think little Evie would like to find some eggs?"
"Little Evie is 26-plus years old now, Gabrielle. Not exactly a child anymore."
"Oh, well. Tell you what... I'll hide them, and then you can find ‘em. Here, take this basket and close your eyes while I hide the eggs."
"I'm not going to find any eggs, Gabrielle. Warriors don't do things like that. It hurts the image. And what's with this basket?"
"You put the eggs you find into the basket, of course. Tell you what, if you let me hide these eggs, I'll let you eat all the ones you find. I'll even hand feed them to you, one by one... if you get my drift. Think your warrior self can handle that?"
"Oh. Well, what are you waiting for? Hide ‘em, already. I'll go brush down Argo II or something."
"That's more like it. Oh, and take this bunny, while you're at it. I can't hold him and hide the eggs at the same time."
"What am I going to do with this rabbit? Hey, think it wants to play ‘Catch the Chakram' with me?"
"Um, on second thought, I'll just put the bunny in my pack. The gods know I can fit anything in there. Now go play nice with your horsie, Xena, and don't peek. And, uh... think of how you'll want those eggs fed to you."
"You know, Gabrielle... the eggs are nice and all, but I can think of... other... things I'd like to hunt for."
"But I have all these eggs..."
"Gabrielle, I promise to hunt for all of your favorite spots..."
"Oh... oooooh... yeah... hmmm... oh, the eggs can wait... until breakfast..."
"That's more like it. You know, we could probably find some interesting uses for those eggs."
"Don't even think about it, Xena."
"Fine. Um, Gabrielle?"
"Why are you still talking, Xena??"
"Your pack. It's moving."
"Oh, that's just the bunny. Let him do his own hunting."
"That's just the thing. There are eggs spilling out of the pack. And they're in various colors. Look, there's a blue one, a red one... even yellow."
"Oh my gods, Xena! The bunny really does lay eggs! Oh, I wish Salmoneus were still alive. We could market this!"
"Gabrielle, what about..."
"Oh, Xena, look at all these eggs! And you said I shouldn't have bought the bunny. He's still laying them! There must be several dozen by now."
"What about our own little hunt, Gabrielle? A warrior has needs, you know. We can play with the bunny... er, rabbit, tomorrow."
"Oh, Xena... that can wait. Hey, let's hide these eggs back in the village tonight and let the children there find them in the morning! These eggs are too cute to go to waste. Wanna help me hide ‘em?"
"Or you could bunk down with Re-Argo tonight while I sleep at an inn."
"Give me the damned basket and let's get this over with."
"That's my girl, Xena."
"But later, Gabrielle... we finish what we started."
"Hmmm... tell you what, Xena. For every blue one you hide, I'll give you a kiss. For every yellow one, a caress. And for every red one..."
"Well, you'll just have to find out later."
"I love you, Gabrielle."
"I love you, too, Easter warrior bunny. Now go hide some eggs."
Thus concludes our little Easter tale. The children in the village were so delighted with the egg hunt, Gabrielle left them the bunny, complete with bows, in their happy little hands. And our daring warrior bunny Xena found out exactly what the red eggs meant. She liked her rewards so much so she vowed to hide eggs every year... or week... oh, heck, every night, if it meant there were more red eggs. She really liked those eggs.
Happy Easter, everyone.