Characters belong to RenPics and Universal and all the nifty people who have a hand in Xena: Warrior Princess. You guys are amazing!

This is my rewrite to our favorite scene from "Altared States". Too many missed opportunities to work with on that one! :)

Feed the bard! I'm really new at this, so let me know if you'd like to see this expanded upon, or anything like that, because I'm pretty much experimenting right now and seeing what I can do. Your comments, any and all, are appreciated!!!


You Drive Me Crazy

By: Chickram

Copyright July 2000


Her heart pounding, Xena rushed to the side of the still figure on the cave floor. She gently turned the small blonde onto her back, pulling something soft and squishy from a loosely clinched hand. With a sigh, Xena's dark head shook as her eyes identified it as nutbread, and her nose identified it as heavily drugged.

A knowing glint in her now amused blue eyes, the warrior spoke quietly near a pink ear. "Gabrielle." She nudged her friend. "Gabrielle." She said again, this time louder. When this brought no response, Xena spoke loudly and right into the bard's ear. "Gabrielle!!"

That got a squeaky yawn from the girl, and one glazed green eye peering around with interest before coming to settle on Xena's face. "Oo... two pretty ladies... must be my lucky day." Came Gabrielle's sleepy voice, slightly rough.

With a snort, Xena replied wryly, "Use both eyes, Gabrielle."

As the young bard complied, both orbs widened considerably. "Ah! Now I just see one REALLY pretty lady. Hi there!" Gabrielle smiled. Then her eyes narrowed, and took on a look of intense concentration as one hand made a slow journey right towards Xena's unprotected right eye.

Poke. "Hey!" Xena yelped in alarm. "What do you think you're doing?"

"Wow... those are so.. so.. blue!" She squealed the last word. "Have they always been like that? It's amazing!" Gabrielle studied her subject intently.

"Uh, yeah." A nod of confirmation. "For as long as I can remember, they've been pretty much... blue." The warrior shook her head again, not quite believing this new situation. "Gabrielle... can you stand up?" First thing's first.

The pale brow furrowed. "You mean I'm not?" Gabrielle asked, puzzled.

She sighed. "Come on... up ya go... Gabrielle!" Xena looked sternly down at her companion after she slid a few inches. "You've gotta help me out here. I can't just drag you around all day."

Gabrielle just looked at her for a moment, then nodded solemnly. "Okay." She bounded upwards and stood there watching Xena and smiling a goofy little smile. "Now what?"

Xena studied the cave ceiling, considering. "Well, we've gotta get you..." She looked back at Gabrielle. "...walking." The warrior observed Gabrielle for a few moments, appreciating the sway of the tan skirt against her hips and other areas as she danced about. Then she shook her head firmly, deciding that this was not the time or place when there was so much to be done, and chased after her friend.

"Okay, Gabrielle... c'mere." Xena's hand on Gabrielle's shoulder twirled her friend around, putting her face right smack between two very warrior-like breasts.

"Whoa." Gabrielle looked up with a cheeky grin. "Now there's a view you don't get every day." She stepped back to let her eyes wander up and down the body in front of her, and then again gazed at Xena's face. "You always been so tall?" The bard asked, then suddenly dropped to her knees, examining Xena's legs. "It's these things!" She crawled around back to flip up the warrior's leather skirt. "They're so long! Ye gods... and they're strong, too... ouch!"

Xena tugged her friend back around front and pulled her to her feet. "Gabrielle, where's Iacus?"

The petite blonde shrugged. "I dunno. Where?"

Xena's eyes rolled as she sighed. "I'm asking you, Gabrielle."

"What for? I haven't seen him since he ran off a couple'a candlemarks ago. Then I just stayed here and played with my friends..." She gestured to the rocks surrounding them, "...until things got kinda dark and then you were here." Another shrug. "Heeeey... have you ever noticed that you're lots darker than I am? Why d'you s'pose that is? Maybe if I lie out in the sun for a while, I'll get to look like you. Y'think?" Gabrielle then proceeded to methodically remove the clasps holding her clothes together, until she found her hand halted by a much larger one that then moved to her shoulder and pushed her to a seated position on the floor.

"Heh. No... I don't think so, Gabrielle. Not right now. You need to listen to me, okay?" She peered at her friend. "Your eyes are still really glazed, so this stuff won't wear off for a while... until then, I need you to STAY HERE while I go find Iacus. Can you do that for me?" Xena watched Gabrielle carefully.

Who pouted. "What for? I wanna go with you. Your nice and big and lots of fun... I bet we could find all sorts of neat stuff to do together. Y'know, when I was back in Potedaia, me and the other girls used to play games with each other, where we'd see who was the best kisser and where to touch to make each other squeal... mhph." Green eyes glared at the taller woman.

Xena slowly removed her hand from her friend's mouth. "Gabrielle, stay here and you and the..." She looked at the rocks. "...others... can, um..." The warrior searched for an appropriate activity.

"Work on our song!" The girl exclaimed. "Yeah... just between you and me, the sopranos sound like cats in heat. Hey, maybe you can give em lessons? You've got such a nice voice... Xena, why don't you sing for me more often? You have no idea how often I think about you and how good your singing makes me feel..." She drifted off dreamily.

Xena's face was blank for a minute or two as she tried to digest the feelings that were coursing through her. Was this a true admission of her friend that just needed a push to get out, or were these just drugged fantasies of a girl who really had no idea what she was talking about? She sighed... there was just no time for this. Iacus needed to be found.

"Gabrielle, why don't you just take a little nap, hm?" Seeing the beginnings of another bardic pout, she rushed on. "If you do, I promise I'll help you with your song when I get back." She smiled.

Gabrielle smiled back, then looked suspicious. "Cross your heart and hope to die?"

Xena smiled crookedly and nodded. "Um.. right. C'mon, now... get up and under the blankets over there." Her hand indicated a corner that was clearly set up for Iacus to have a resting place.

Gabrielle attempted to struggle to her feet, but each time ended up on her backside.

Xena sighed yet again, and swooped down in one motion to lift her friend up and carry her over to the blankets.

Gabrielle was out in less than ten seconds, and Xena just watched her for a bit, smiling fondly at the childlike expression of peace in her slumber. Tucking the blankets under the fair chin, Xena reluctantly moved away to save the world once again.

THE END... but not really. :)

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