Ares’ Plan

By Cris and Amy.

SUMMARY: Ares thought he had a brilliant plan to get Xena back but that plan backfires with some humorous results.

OWNERSHIP DISCLAIMER: The characters of Xena and Gabrielle belong in their entirety to Universal/MCA, Renaissance Pictures. No copyright infringement is intended.

LOVE/SEX WARNING/DISCLAIMER: This story involves both same sex and different sex relationships (or attempts at such). If you are under 18, if this type of story is illegal in the state or country in which you live, or if depictions of this nature disturb you please leave now.

BETA: Extreme thanks to our beta, Kamouraskan.

COMMENTS/FEEDBACK: Are very welcomed at



Ares awakened to find himself sprawled on the floor in the middle of his temple. Instead of being attended by his devoted followers, several toppled mugs and an almost empty keg of ale surrounded him. Surprisingly, he felt great, and secretly thanked Zeus that Gods can’t get hangovers.

He stretched, toppling a half-empty mug, and jumped to his feet. Ares was in high spirits because before passing out, he had come up with a plan, a plan to get his warrior princess back. By damn, he thought, he was the God of War and he deserved his goddess. Sure his plan was concocted in a half-drunken stupor, but it was still a good scheme. It had to be, for He came up with it, and He wouldn’t come up with a bad idea.

Ares didn’t want to admit that today his plan didn’t seem quite as likely to work as it did during the night before. He quickly dismissed his doubts and replaced those thoughts with visions of his tall, dark headed, and very sexy warrior princess.

After a few minutes Ares realized that his thoughts were making him drool, and bulge, so he decided he’d better get focused. ‘Focus, damn-it!’ he ordered himself, but his body was slow to respond. Finally he convinced his God radar to work and went in search of Cupid. You see, in order for his plan to work, Ares need Cupid. Cupid owed him a favor and collection of that favor was vital to the success of his plan.


The forest was pleasantly quiet as Xena awoke wrapped in the arms and legs of her beautiful lover. She enjoyed awakening to this feeling. This was her favorite; no make that second favorite, part of the day. Her favorite part had ended only a few hours ago and was the reason for the still sleeping bard. Xena smiled at the thoughts of their impassioned love making, which had lasted most of the previous night.

Xena loved watching her bard sleep; her pale face, enclosed by silky blond hair, so peaceful when she slept. The arms, which were now wrapped around Xena, were well muscled, yet so soft and gentle. Her firm, round breasts felt so comfortable pressed against Xena. Life was very good and as of late they were both content, which for Xena was unusual. Unfortunately, her contentment wouldn’t last long, the reason being she that had to pee.

Not wanting to disturb her marvelous lover, Xena carefully untangled her body from Gabrielle’s entrapment. Gabrielle stirred at the loss of Xena’s contact, but quickly returned to sleep with a mumbled "Oh Xena" as Xena made her way into the trees to relieve herself. Xena couldn’t help but smile, speculating on what Gabrielle’s dreams entailed.


Aphrodite was scantly clad, as usual, in her pink frills, relaxing on the silky pink pillows she had brought with her to Cupid’s. She watched as her son paced the room adamantly debating with his mother of the despicable state of love in the world. Aphrodite grinned because she knew the whole reason for Cupid’s rampage was due to his wife’s recent run of headaches, and lack of attention to Cupid’s needs.

Before Aphrodite could tease Cupid about his pent up sexual energy, Ares appeared. "Hey Bro," Aphrodite greeted and frowned. "What’s the God of War doing in the Temple of Love?"

Cupid stopped pacing, realizing that Ares could only be there for one thing… repayment of the favor. "Oh… hi, Ares, I’ll bet you’re looking for me… aren’t you?" he shyly voiced, his desires quickly quenched.

Although he wanted nothing more than to get on with his plan, Ares knew it wasn’t wise to ignore his sister. "Hey Sis, what are you doing here?" though he was thinking ‘just slowing me down.’

She rolled her eyes. "Like duh, Son’s Temple of Love." She waved her arms around. "Mother, Goddess of Love?" She pointed at herself. "Get the connection?" He ignored her and glared at the snickering son of the Goddess. "Cupid, I think you owe me a favor and I’m here to collect."

Continuing without interruption, Ares outlined his plan to get the Warrior Princess back in his arms again. His brilliant idea consisted of simply having Cupid shoot Xena with a special love arrows, causing her to become madly, uncontrollably, fervently in love with him. Being in love with him, the one and only God of War, Ares surmised, should be enough to also restore Xena’s old warrior vigor.

He rationalized that once Xena desired him, she would also want everything she previously sought in life. The things she wanted with Ares before she turned blind and hooked up with that annoying blond bard. Since concocting his plan late the previous night, Ares had convinced himself again and again that his plan would work.

Aphrodite and Cupid just turned and looked at each other with dismay. They both recognized some major problems with Ares’ plan, but both were smart enough not to tell the God of War his scheme sucked.

Once the plan was laid out, Aphrodite started to protest. She didn’t dare tell her brother that his plan was utterly insane. But she did find the courage to tell him she wouldn’t let him mess with her friend Gabby. "It’s just not fair to Gabby. She’s in love with Xena. It’s just not right that you’re making Cupid steal Xena for you," she accused.

Meanwhile, Cupid just stood there, arms folded, wings twitching, waiting for the fight to begin. He wasn't about to get singed in this mess.

"You can’t stop me," Ares stated. "Cupid owes me a favor, so that’s just what he’ll do. Besides Gabrielle is just so annoying, I’ll enjoy every second of tormenting her."

Bravely Aphrodite spoke up. "I may not be able to stop you from trying your plan, but I do have a few lovely powers of my own you know." An idea had occurred to her; one that would defeat his libido, using his godly pride. She giggled and blew a kiss sending a pink tingling puff towards the distracted God.

"You had better not interfere…"Ares said, turning from Cupid, but before he could finish his threat, Aphrodite and her pink possessions shimmered with a giggle, then disappeared. Though he heard something about ‘things looking smaller.’ He just shrugged.

"Come on Cupid," Ares growled, grabbing him by the shoulder. "We’ve got
a plan to carry out."


Xena returned to camp feeling much relieved. Gabrielle was still sleeping soundly, now sprawled sideways, covering both sides of their sleeping furs. Xena resisted her normal impulse and decided instead for some self-gratifying behavior. She crawled back into the comfort of Gabrielle’s embrace for some more rest.

Certain that she would be unable to sleep, Xena closed her eyes to just enjoy the familiar contact of her lover. It was only a short while of listening to Gabrielle snore before Xena herself was unconscious, her snoring coinciding with that of Gabrielle’s.


Ares took Cupid to his temple and explained the complexity of his participation in his brilliant scheme.

"I’ll locate Xena for you, but I can’t go with you to complete the plan."

"Why not?" Cupid inquired.

Ares stuttered and shuffled his feet, not sure he wanted to reveal the answer, "Because Xena can sense when I’m around, and I don’t want her to know I’m up to something."

"Are you serious?" Cupid gasped and then realizing his potential mistake stumbled on. "So you just want me to shoot her and then I can go? You’ll do the rest?"

"If you do your part…" Ares glared towards Cupid, "I won’t have to do anything. The special arrow will assure Xena’s infatuation with me. That plus my godly attributes should be more than enough to ensure my plan’s success."

After insisting that Cupid report back when he was done, Ares located Xena and her annoying blond traveling companion. He then sent Cupid to repay his debt and secure Ares’ brilliant future.


When Cupid arrived, Xena and Gabrielle were just waking late; a screwy grin imbedded upon Gabrielle’s face. ‘Maybe the state of love in the world isn’t so bad after all,’ Cupid thought, ‘the lack of love just seems to be affecting me personally.

He blushed slightly as the aggressive bard pounced on the warrior, placing kisses all over her face, making Xena laugh. The blush turn to heat as the kisses became more than fun and the two women rolled back and forth battling for power.

Cupid just wanted to get this over with, grab some white willow bark for a headache relieving tea, and get back home. He quickly turned his attention back to the couple as they battled in this mortal foreplay. He found the arrow that would cause the recipient to fall for Ares and fitted it in his bow.

Xena was dominating, while Gabrielle looked more then happy to submit. It was a perfect shot. Cupid let lose the arrow. It flew straight towards for Xena and…

"Oh shit," Cupid cried but wasn’t heard.

…it hit Gabrielle as she quickly rolled Xena over, smacking the bard on her butt.


Cupid figured he was as good as dead.

In fact, he supposed dead would be better than the other options Ares could come up with and began just hoping for dead.

"Did you hit her?" was all Ares asked, not even looking up from his throne.

"Yep," answered Cupid, the slim thoughts of actually staying alive rising to the surface. ‘I hit her, just not the her you wanted’ he thought, but didn’t dare voice. He simply said, "I’m outta here." and disappeared before things, mainly him being alive, could change.


Gabrielle flinched, yelping, as she flew off the warrior grabbing her backside. ‘What was that?’ she thought, feeling something odd stir in her very wide-awake loins. Xena looked at Gabrielle, noticing the passion building in her stunning green eyes.

"What’s wrong?" Xena was naked, flat on her back, with a puzzled look. Then her eyes popped out as she was pounced on by a growling bard.

"I’m…I want…???" Gabrielle puzzled out loud, trying to identify her rising feelings. Xena was rather aroused and still puzzled, as she seemed to be fighting a horny octopus.

"What do you want?" she barely got out since Gabrielle was latched to her neck. Gabrielle rose up and looked right into Xena’s eyes.

"I want Ares! I must have him now!!!!!" Then she stood up, searching for her clothes.

"YOU WANT WHAT!!??!!" Stood the tall, overly aroused Warrior.

Focused on her strange yearning, she didn’t notice Xena’s prowling movement toward her, or what she had just said. Gabrielle continued to dress, expressing her confusion vocally, "That’s it, he is all I need. I’m hot! I’m on fire for him! He’s so tall, dark, and so handsome. And those tight leather pants show off his sexy… attributes," Gabrielle husked.

Xena’s chin hit the forest floor. She took Gabrielle’s face in her hands, not seeing the eyes of her loving soul mate, but instead the eyes of a confused stranger.

"Oh Gods, I need him now," Gabrielle exclaimed with vigor, "I need Ares!" Still naked and frozen in place, Xena watched as her bard took off in a full run, screaming for Ares.

"Aphrodite!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Xena’s powerful yell made everything shake. "Aphrodite, either you get down here or I’ll find you and stick your powder puff up your…"

"Whoa there, naked and pissed!" Dite appeared behind her. "Let’s not threaten my puff. Though the idea where you wanted to stick it might be kinky in a good way." Her smile came, and then went when Xena growled.

"What can I do for ya, leathered babe?" Dite was wondering why the warrior wasn’t panting over Ares by now.

"What did you do to Gabrielle?" Xena stepped closer to the Goddess.

"Huh? Like, hello?" Dite shrugged her shoulders in confusion.

"Tell me why at one moment my bard and I are fooling around, and the next moment her breeches are tight for Ares?" This time as she towered over the Goddess, she added a snarl to the growling.

"What do you mean Gabrielle? It was you..err. Whatever do you mean?" She squeaked and ran behind a tree, peeking as Xena put her shift on and grabbed her sword. Dite thought for sure she would be chopped up into cute little pieces.


Gabrielle continued her mad dash through the forest, ignoring anything and everything in sight. She had to get to Ares’ temple, and NOW!!! She grabbed herself hoping to ease her desire. Her passion for Ares was nearly overwhelming her.

It didn’t help, and it was much too difficult to run with her hand between her legs. So she gave up and just struggled forward, determined to find Ares, and soon.

Her tolerance of the situation quickly escalating beyond her control as she imagined every possible way that she could have him. ‘Oh Ares…" her thoughts became muddled as she ran blindly on in search of the one person who could quell her passion.


The God of War was ready. Things were prepared and waiting for the woman of his dreams to come to him. Candles lit the entire temple. Rose petals trailed from the entrance to a bed of black silk sheets. The wine waited within easy reach. Ares lounged smiling, clad only in tight leather pants. Oh yeah, Ares was ready.

The door to the temple burst open.

Ares smiled, not looking up; instead he lay waiting for his love to come devour him.

Gabrielle entered the temple, thrusting the double doors forcibly inward, her eyes seeking out the object of her intense desire. She spotted Ares, running toward him.

"Ares! There you are! I want you! I neeeed you!" Her voice was deep with unbridled passion.

Ares scrambled to his feet, realizing the voice wanting him was not Xena’s. Yet unsure whose voice it was.

As he turned to investigate, he was hit full force by a compact package of impassioned woman. Ares fell to the blankets from the impact. He struggled to recognize the woman devouring his lips and trying to remove his leathers.

In need of breath, he broke the kiss, finally somewhat able to restrain the woman ravaging him. He lifted her away from him by the shoulders and stared into her face.

"Gabrielle?!?!" Ares released her and scrambled away, unsure of what to think. He squeaked like a mouse as the young bard crawled like a panther, licking her lips, towards him.

"Cupid!!!!! When I get a hold of you!!!!!!!" The God’s eyes got wider as the bard jumped on him again.

"Ohhhhhhh, baby!" said Gabby.

Ares said nothing. Unable to speak, with bard’s tongue forced in his mouth.




"Aphrodite!" Xena yelled. "You get your scrawny little godly ass out here and tell me what’s going on!"

"Scrawny??????? I’ll have you know Dite has plenty back there!" She stuck it at Xena and had it smacked for her effort. Yelping, she turned with a seductive smile.

"My, Xena. I didn’t know you liked spanking!" Dite screamed and poofed behind the tree, again avoiding a sword swing that would have taken off her head.

"Geesh, what is it with you and be-headings?" she huffed.

"Talk or you’ll eat a Chakram!!"

Still hiding behind the safety of the tree, Aphrodite stuttered, "Only if you quit yelling at me and promise not to hurt me. No more smacking of the ass unless you buy me dinner first."

"Just get out here and tell me what’s going on," Xena growled slightly more softly.

"Fine, but put the rest of your clothes on, it’s kinda hard to concentrate with you running around half… naked." Aphrodite cautiously stepped from behind the tree and hesitantly moved toward Xena.

Xena quickly dressed as Aphrodite told her about Ares’ plan to get her, not Gabrielle, back. She stressed Cupid’s very unwilling participation, hoping to save her son from Xena’s wrath. She finished saying, "So Cupid musta missed and hit your girl instead. That would explain why Gabby has the hots for Ares and you don’t."

Xena finished lacing her boot and stood, snarling at Aphrodite. "Well, you are going to help me fix this mess. There is no way Ares is going to have my Gabrielle. He lays one finger on her, or anything else, and I’ll be wearing it as a necklace!"

The Warrior growled again, since now the Goddess was laughing hysterically for some unknown reason.

Aphrodite gulped down that last bit of chuckles and explained quickly to the advancing mad as hell Xena.

"He might be able to use his fingers." She sputtered more chuckles then thought for a second. "Maybe his tongue too." The Goddess laughed more then, suddenly gasped for air looking through tears at the bluest eyes ever to want to kill her boring into her.

"You are REALLY working my nerves today!" Xena ground out before releasing the goddess and dropping her.

"Well, that was rude." She stood up, straightening her gown. "I was trying to tell you, I took care of his Godhood." She holds up her pinky finger and dangled it loosely in demonstration. The Goddess started to laugh again, looking at a very un-amused Warrior.

Xena put her weapons in place and grabbed Gabrielle’s staff, leaving the rest of the camp as it was. "Now take me to Ares’ Temple."

"You really need to work on a sense of humor," she said, but zapped them both to the temple.


"Don’t play hard to get with me, Ares. I want you… bad!" Gabrielle said as she pushed him on the bed.

"Wait, wait, wait," Ares stammered then shook his head. "Let me think."

Gabrielle smiled down at him and began to seductively remove her clothing.

"Ohhhhhh," Ares moaned out loud.

What am I doing? She may not be Xena, but look at her, she is… is… VERY HOT!’ He thought.

"Oh yeah… Gabrielle…" he vocalized. ‘No, no. I can’t do this. I need to focus on Xena,’ But his conscious reasoning died quickly as she took one of his fingers and sucked it.

Gabrielle smiled as Ares moaned and drawled out her name. She quickly finished removing her clothes. Now naked, and still very aroused, Gabrielle said, "Ares, you seem a little overdressed for the occasion. Now let’s get you out of this sexy leather." She bent and started to undo his pants with her teeth.

"No!" He pushed her away and stood. "I don’t want you!" He didn’t mean it and the bard knew this.

"Want it rough, huh?"

He gulped as she walked to one of his statues and grabbed the whip from it. "Have you been a bad boy, Ares?" She did her version of a war cry. "Yodel-ay-hee-hoo!" She wound the whip around, cracking the War God on his thigh. He scrambled backwards, keeping his eyes on the very aggressive naked bard.

"Tell me, Ares." She ran her tongue along the whip and smiled as he groaned. "Who’s your mama!?!" She cracked him on the leg again, advancing quickly on the cowering God.

He started to scramble away again, tripping on his bear-skinned rug, landing flat on his back screaming for dear life. As if in slow motion, he watched the bard jump up high, landing on top of him.

"Oooffff." She knocked the wind out of the fallen God.

"You know you want it, Ares, want me…." She grabbed one of his hands and put it on her breast. "Feel how firm?" She took his other hand and led it down between her legs and he whimpered. "Feel how you excite me?"

The fight was over, any thought of Xena were now gone. He pulled her head down and kissed her as she started tearing at his clothes.

A crashing sound and an angry battle cry interrupted their euphoria.

YIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYI! Was heard outside his doorway.

"Xena!!" Ares pulled his mouth away.

"Screw Xena!" says the impassioned Bard.

Ares looked at Gabrielle like, ‘Well, that was the idea!!!.

"Did I ever tell you how talented a bard’s tongue can be?" She kissed him again, biting his lower lip tracing her wet muscle down his chin towards his chest.

"Xena, who?" His voice cracked.


In a shimmer of sparkling pink light, the Warrior Princess and the Goddess of Love had already appeared inside Ares’ temple. Xena had let out her battle cry ready for action.

"Come on," Xena grabbed Aphrodite and began pulling her towards the temple bedchamber entrance.

"Hey, hey, hey, watch the outfit!" Aphrodite huffed, remaining firmly rooted in place. They both heard the moans of passion.

Xena stopped and snarled at her.

"Look, you’re gonna have to chill out, warrior babe. As much as I’d just like to go in Ares’ bedchamber and break the spell, I don’t have that power. I can’t..."

"What!" Xena exploded. "What do you mean you can’t just…?" she stopped, noticing Aphrodite’s raised hands.

"Gez, would you just get a grip on your hormones for a sec?" Aphrodite countered. "Now I may not be able to just break the spell, but I can help. You see, I love Gabrielle too," she stepped back from an even more irked Xena, "but not in that way, and there is no way I’m going to let Ares poke Gabby’s princess. So his…." She holds up her pinky limply again, "Godhood is … outta action."

"Thank you!" Xena sighed. "So what’s the plan?"

"Don’t worry," Aphrodite smiled, "That’ll keep Ares from performing. Just wait here until Gabrielle needs you."

"Wait here? I can’t just wait here!" she fumed, as she began pacing, realizing she had no other course of action.


Inside the bedchamber, if it was possible for things to get hotter they were.

Ares relaxed and relished the feeling of Gabrielle removing his clothes. ‘Not bad, Cupid,’ Ares thought, ‘now if this were just…’ "Ohhhhh" he moaned as Gabrielle began unlacing his leather pants again with her teeth. His previous thoughts quickly forgotten, his Godhood beginning to respond to the attention.

Gabrielle smiled, noticing the flush she was getting out of Ares. She got his pants open and stared.

After a few moments, Ares opened his eyes wondering what was going on, why the passion had stopped. The look on the bard’s face was priceless.

"What’s wrong, baby? Never seen one of these this size?" he said with his ego showing.

"Umm, no." She sounded very disappointed. "Where is it?"

Ares faltered. Something was happening. Something that would never happen to him, The God of War.

"What are you talking about, you irritating harpy?" He shook his hips at her, his ego in his mind firmly in place.

"Ok, let me get some light." By this time Ares was wondering if the spell was making the bard blind. She came back to the bed with a candle in hand, digging through his overabundance of hair with a bardic voice filled with humor. "We are now looking for the infamous War God’s winky."

He slapped her hands away to feel for himself.

"HEYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!" He jumped from the bed and ran to a full-length mirror.

"What HAPPENNED??!!" he shouted, looking at Gabrielle who was trying hard not to chuckle.

"Well, we still have your hands and your tongue. I guess it’s not your fault you’re hung like a two year old," she said as her passion quelled slightly and she began to laugh.

He growled, making his hands glow, ready to shoot a fireball at her, but it fizzled out making her laugh harder.

"Can’t get that up either, huh?" She laughed even harder and tears formed in her eyes. "Who would of thought Xena had a bigger package than you?" She grabbed her stomach to help the aching from the laughter.

"Um… Gabrielle, sorry but you’re just not my type." Ares pouted, trying to save his dignity.

Even after the comedy, Gabrielle remained incredibly aroused. Realization started to form in her mind that who she really wanted, was her missing warrior.

"Why in Tartarus would I choose you over Xena?" She grabbed her head in pain.

Almost immediately, Aphrodite appeared with Xena. The warrior took in the sight of the War God with his pants around his ankles and her naked bard on the bed clutching her head.


She walked over and cradled her bard.

"Ow! My head is killing me." She looked at her warrior, looked around, then down at herself.

"Xena, why are we here? Why am I naked? Why is Ares like that? Why do I feel like I’m about to burst?" Gabrielle shook her head.

"Just relax," Xena purred in Gabrielle’s ear. "I can satisfy those urges you are having. And to answer the other questions, I’m here to save you. You were under a spell meant for me. And Ares is about to die cuz I’m gonna kill him."

Xena was about to charge Ares when she felt her body being tugged down again and her bard started to laugh again.

"What’s so funny?" Xena demanded.

Out of breath, Gabrielle wiggled her pinky at Xena and pointed at Ares, laughing too hard to speak. Soon all three women were laughing.

Ares pulled his pants up and stormed over to his sister.

"Where is my real penis, you pink harlot from Tartarus?"

She dried her eyes. "Oh yeah." She blew him a kiss, sending a pink mist his way. He quickly felt in that area and cleared his throat. "I believe I had testicles too?" He turned bright red, and the women broke out in laughter again.

She blew another kiss.

Ares felt his crotch and seemed satisfied this time that his adequate manhood had been returned. The three women began laughing again at his sign of relief.

"I AM THE God of WARRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!" Ares’ hands began glowing, ready to shoot a fireball, but it fizzled. He pouted as the laughter roared on.

"All I wanted was Xena… or at least to get laid!" He tried to disappear, fading in and out. Finally with a growl and one last sputter, he faded asking for his mommy, to a roar of laughter.

"Oh, that was too funny. I've never laughed so hard. I'm going to need a facial after this" Dite said. "Ok, you two, back to camp." She snapped her fingers and they were all back at the campsite. Xena threw her bard a shift then turned to thank the Goddess. Gabrielle walked over to give her Goddess friend a peck on the cheek, and then the two were left alone once more.

Xena bent and gave her love a passionate kiss.

"Gabrielle," Xena pulled away to question. "Are you all right?"

"Umm… yes. Wow! I’ve never felt anything like that kiss before."

Xena just smiled.

"You going to tell me everything that went on?"

"It’s a long story," Xena whispered, "mind if I finish what I started this morning and tell you later?"

Gabrielle nodded, obviously still confused, but very willing to ignore that confusion in order to fulfill her desire with her true love.

With that she was swept into the arms of her warrior princess, carried to the sleeping furs, and softly deposited on her back.

As Xena leaned in to kiss her Gabrielle loudly moaned, "Oh Xena…"

Xena stripped them both naked and began to keep the promise she made her bard, when she felt herself rolled over with such strength her eyes snapped open.

"Gabrie…?" A finger on her lips silenced the warrior. Xena watched Gabrielle stand and walk away.

"Where you going?"

"I’ll be right back. I’ve got something to take care of," was the reply.

Xena lay back down with her arms behind her head smiling, thinking innocently that her mate had to relieve herself.

"Yodel-ay-hee-hoo!!!!!!!" Xena eyes snapped open once more as she felt the crack of the whip hit her leg. There, standing in front of her, was a wild looking naked bard with her whip trapped by Gabrielle’s teeth.

"Whoa, Gabrielle! What do you think you’re doing?" She tried to stand up and was forced down by a foot.

"I have one question for you Xena." Whip cracking, lightly hitting target.

"Ouch!" The warrior froze in place.

"Who your bardie!" Xena was pounced on by her overly aroused bard. Her last thought as she was devoured was. ‘Thanks Ares!’



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