written March 1997

Opening shot, television studio for The Dating Game...

The television host calls over the stage mike; "Welcome! Welcome to this special edition of the Dating Game! Special in that it's for all you alternative fans of Xena; Warrior Princess! Now, our special contestant is Gabrielle, from the Greek village, Potodeia! Give her a big hand!"

The crowd applauses and wolf whistles as Gabrielle, the amazon bard, walks out on stage. She's a little shy, but waves to the crowd.

"Hello." She speaks so softly, that the sound crew adjusts to maximum volume.

"Well, Gabrielle? What are you looking for in a significant other? And what are your hobbies?" The host flashes his annoying smile.

Gabrielle smiles her genuine smile and speaks. "Well, I'm looking for someone who isn't afraid of commitment. Someone I can tell stories to, who's strong, yet gentle, dangerous, yet caring, and make love to in a no-holds-barred-fashion. My hobbies are, Singing, Storytelling, Walking the Greek countryside. I also love sparring in quarterstaff, wrestling, and bed!"

The crowd roars their approval as three people are led to the bachelor side of the room. They are Callisto, Ephiny, and Xena.

"Now, Gabrielle, the three bachelorettes are waiting for your questions. You can ask a total of twelve questions or stop when you think you've found your girl. Okay?" Gabrielle nods, and goes through her cards, looking for the more important questions she wants answered.

"Bachelorette number one, I'm into tall, blue-eyed, leggy brunettes with a tan. What are you into?" Callisto smiles as she chews her blonde locks. "Death, Misery, and ritual disembowelment! I also love roasting innocent children alive!" She chuckles as the crowd boos and hisses.

One guy stands up going; "Woof!Woof!Woof!" Cranking his arm in a circular motion. A chakram streaks across the room and knocks the idiot out before he can continue. The host looks green as he barfs behind his podium.

Gabrielle looks like she wished she hadn't asked.

"Uh, Yes... Bachelorette number two? What is your ideal night on the town?" Ephiny looks like she's stumped.

"Uhmmm...Well. I'd like to go to the neighboring village and conquer it, setting it up as a base for my amazon tribe."

The crowd starts looking on their maps. A unified sigh of releif at the notion that there aren't any amazons near their location on the map. One old guy looks at his map, then Ephiny. He writes down his phone number and throws it to her. She reads the note and looks at the old guy, she smiles sweetly as she leans down to her knees. The view of her breasts makes the old guy fall over dead from a massive coronary! The crowd breaks up laughing as the mortician gathers the dead guy up and leaves.

Gabrielle shakes her head and smiles uncertainly. She presses on with a third question.

"Bachelorette number three? You know what I'm about, what about you? What are your hobbies?"

Xena arches an eyebrow and smiles: "I have many skills. And I'd like to show you every one of them!" The crowd whoops and hollers at this answer.

Gabrielle fans her chest as she's suddenly feeling very warm. "Ye-Yes. Well--I" The host smiles as he speaks. "Gabrielle? Would you like to finish your questions?"

Gabrielle catches her breath and nods. She drops some of her cards and gathers them quickly. She shuffles them and continues. "Bachelorette number two? If I kissed you, what would your reaction be?"

Ephiny answers quickly. "I'd slam you against the wall and begin making love to you on the spot!" Gabrielle likes that answer and repeats it to bachelorette number three. "Number three? If I kissed you? What would your reaction be?"

Xena thinks for a second and answers in a sexy tone. "It depends on whether or not you and I are dating after this is over." Xena leans back in her chair, smiling at the crowd. Her legs gently parted and the leather mini skirt rides up her long legs. A woman screams and passes out. Xena flashes her sexy smile and three more guys and ladies are carried out.

Gabrielle thoroughly enjoys the answer and wonders what the bachelorette did for such a crowd reaction. She indulges in a slight fantasy, but the host snaps her out of it.

"Number one? If we were making love? What would it be like for me?"

Callisto smiles her wicked grin. "You've heard of mind shattering ecstacy brought out through pain? You'd experience ten times that!" She shreiks with laughter!

Gabrielle feels a cold chill and goes onto number two. "Number two. If we were making love? Are you a breather, screamer, or a moaner?" The host nearly eats his mike as Gabrielle asks this. He looks over at her and she smiles sweetly.

Ephiny answers. "A screamer. Definitely a screamer. I love it when it's so intense I scream." Gabrielle brushes her hair from her face and asks the same question of number three.

Xena crosses her legs and smiles wickedly. "Again, that would be telling. What, you don't like a mystery?" Xena's voice is so seductive, Gabrielle feels her legs tighten and her heart do triple time.

"Uh--Yes. One more question number three. What is your fantasy woman?" She feels her body temperature rising as she waits for the answer. Xena smiles and leans into her microphone.

"My fantasy woman? She's only slightly shorter than I am. She has long honey red hair, with cute freckles between her firm breasts. Blue-green eyes and a smile that warms the heart. She can seduce me with a smile or a word. One look and I'd melt."

That's it! Gabrielle's heart is hammering through her like lightning! She looks at the microphone and smiles. "Number three? I'm into leather and brass. Would you wear it for me?" The host makes a hand motion to the cameraman and signals him to cut!

Xena sees this and WHOOSH! The chakram flashes and knocks out the cameraman.

"Yes, Gabrielle. I'd wear whatever you wanted me to." Gabrielle rings the bell and signals that her questions are done. The host wipes his forehead and smiles.

"Yes, Well. Gabrielle have you picked your girl?"

Gabrielle nods as she smiles. "Number three!"

Xena stands and walks around the wall and smiles. Gabrielle is stunned! This is her dream woman! She walks across the stage and Xena pulls her close in a hug and kisses her passionately.

"Uh-Ladies? Could you wait and see what you've won?" He tries to seperate them as he pulls on Xena's shoulder. She snaps her fist up, catching him in the nose. The host slumps to the floor unconcious.

"I've got the only prize I want!" She kisses Gabrielle again as the credits roll.

The participants in this program were borrowed heavily from MCA Universal. This program was brought to you by that warped and twisted sicko, Darkone. Thank you! Join us again for another fun-loving episode of The Dating Game!