This is a political satire. Some of the characters are patterned after national leaders. The fictional characters mentioned include Xena: Warrior Princess, Ares: God of War, and Draco. These fictional characters belong to Renaissance Pictures/MCA/Universal. Their use is intended for no commercial purpose and no infringement of copyright is intended.

The use of the song “War” was sung by Lucy Lawless in the XWP episode, “Lyre, Lyre, Hearts on Fire”. The copyright of the song belongs to Motown Jobete Publishers. No commercial purpose and no infringement of the copyright is intended.

This story cannot be sold or used for profit in any way.

Summary: The story is set in the beginning of the new year, 2003, and is based in Washington D. C. during the present administration. Xena: Warrior Princess is the center of the story and how she would deal with the situation. This satire is based solely on my opinion. I hope this story will move more Americans to speak out boldly for peace.

Responses welcome: dcbona@earthlink.net

Copyright © 2003 by Diane C. Bonacci. All rights Reserved.


Xena: Warrior Princess



by Diane C. Bonacci

The evening news comes on with a plethora of trigger happy men trying to justify their outrageous plans to involve the world in war, war, war!

Xena would know how to handle these warmongers. Gee, I wish she were here. I can see her now, sword in hand, strutting into the Oval Office:

“All right, you guys, listen up! You want a war? You want a war? Let’s settle this right now and leave the rest of the world out of it.”

She bores in on the President. “Bushie, you pissant! You ought to be ashamed of yourself. Your obsession with war even puts Ares to shame,” and he’s the God of War!

Just then the Veep runs into the office, looks at Xena and says, “Hey, lady, stop picking on my boy!”

“Oh, shut up, warhawk. For a man who has a weak heart, you have strong words for wanting to start a war - and soon too!”

Wondering what all the noise is about, another toady rushes into the office. Xena recognizes Rummy the ultra-warhawk.

Xena stares at him and says, “You, Rummy, are a two-faced snake. Whatever happened to your friendship with Saddam when you worked for President Teflon, the guy who spent eight years drifting down the river Lethe and telling anecdotes?” Rummy is afraid to say anything for fear she might clobber him.

Xena says angrily, “All you guys want is war, war, war - regardless of how many people get killed in the process. It will be the women and children who will suffer the most on account of you bastards.”

They’re now trembling, afraid to say a word. Xena continues. “War? You want War?” Xena slides her sword back into her scabbard and takes her chakram in hand.

“Say hello to my little friend,” she says.

Whoosh----- her chakram whirls menacingly over their heads and then returns to her. She hangs it back on her hip. They all look scared, wondering what’s next.

She leaps onto the Presidental desk and glares the three of them into stunned silence. Then she decides to sing the song she once sang to her enemy, the warlord Draco. “If it’s good enough for that guy,” she thought, “it’s certainly good enough for these war pigs. They may learn something.”

Xena belts out a stirring battle song, “WAR!”

What is it good for? Absolutely nothin!
Uh-huh, yeah. War!
What is it good for? Absolutely nothin!

Listen to me now. War is a thing that I despise
Cause it means destruction of innocent lives
War means tears in thousands of mother's eyes
When their young go out to fight and lose their lives

Good God y'all what is it good for? Absolutely nothin!
Say it again yeah. War!
What is it good for? Absolutely nothin!

It ain't nothin but a heartbreaker
Free only to the undertaker
War is the enemy of all mankind
The thought of war just blows my mind
War handed down from generation to generation
Induction and destruction, who wants to die?

What is it good for? absolutely nothin!
Say it again, yeah. War!
What is it good for? Nothin! say it again!

What is it good for? Nothin!
Say it again! War!
What is it good for? Absolutely nothin!

As Xena ends her song, Bushie draws his six-shooters. “Nobody’s gonna stop my war! I want my war! I want my war!” he screams.

But Xena is too fast for him. She already has her chakram in hand.

Whoosh-------- her chakram slices both guns in half. Bushie starts to cry.

“What have you done? You destroyed my beautiful, pearl-handle six-shooters,” he whines.

“Those six shooters are bigger than you are, Bushie,” Xena tells him. “Now settle down and behave yourself.”

Xena’s eyes bore in on the Veep and Rummy. “Listen to me, you puppeteers, and listen good.” She gave them her opinion, in strong language they could understand, about war and peace: “Making war is simple. Making peace is never easy. If it were, everyone would do it.” Xena goes on: “Better start working for peace NOW and spend money on human needs - not on war -- YOU GOT THAT?”

Xena yells.

They quiver with fear, “Yes, Yes, Yes!”

Xena leaps off the presidential desk. As she leaves the Oval Office, she turns around and says:

“If I hear anymore of this war talk coming from you guys you’re going to have to deal with the first woman President in the White House - ME!”

They all nod. “Yes MA’AM!”

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