Cornwel: This is a short romp I hope every one will like it features two couples that make an unlikely quartet. We think it’s hilarious but then again we may be the bardic forms of Harry and Lloyd, i.e. Dumb and Dumberer. I’m schizo and she thinks she’s from a place called New Avalon. For my half of the disclaimer I will warn that the story features loveyness and all that but nothing gratuitous. I had a jolly time with Ellis she’s a really great babe.
Ellis: Blessed Be my people. About me and Cornwel collaborating it was a fine if not short experience. I love her Amazons of Fletalin Valley, and her conqueror story is a gas if the lazy whore ever finishes it. And at the expense of facing her lovely wife’s wrath and mine I will say she is quite fetching, hot even. LOL.
The following story is the product of a couple of smart little twits with nothing else to do with their time.
By Ellis Acton Bell and Cornwel
Steady as it comes
I’ve said it all
So maybe we’re a bliss
Of another kind
SOMEWHERE IN FLORIDA: PRESENT DAY
“Come on Snagglepuss, time to get up,” Petra straddles my waist and bounces the bed.
My eyes snap open and I groan, I had been dreaming one of my favorites, a strange fantasy of mine that involves shagging Condolezza Rice.
“Wha?” I ask, “So early.”
“Yes my dear,” Petra grins, her red gold hair falls over her shoulders, her gray eyes sparkle.
I am weary from a hard night’s work and look over at the clock, it’s six p.m. and the sun will be down soon.
“Damn it I’ll never get used to these night hours,” I yawn.
“Well I’ve made it easy, Derry and Karr invited-” she begins but I interrupt with protests.
“Aww” I whine, “Didn’t we just do that last week?”
“Yes,” she answers carefully, “But they’re our friends.”
“Since when do I the great Jules need friends?” I ask.
“Don’t be a dope,” she tells me.
“Speaking of…hand me my Venus.”
“Oh Gawd,” she leans over still straddling me and fetches my medallion off the glass nightstand.
Its silver, antique, the Venus of Wilhendorf, except her head screws off and you can fill her full of blow.
I have a snort, and give Petra some too.
“Yipes,” she grins.
“Yowsa,” I say and we crack up laughing and do some more cocaine.
“You know Puss,” she says, “Derry and Kar are really nice people, they are a mature wise lesbian couple who have gone through a lot of adventures together. I want some of that to rub off on you.”
“Oh Pet,” I say in mock sympathy, “Do you want me to build us a cozy little country nest of pine logs, fill it with furniture made from my bare hands, and makes us a cozy hearth straight out of Martha Stewart Living?”
She narrows her eyes,
“Don’t make fun.”
I laugh and spread my arms,
“And give up all this?”
Our penthouse is lavish, opulent even. We like black silk sheets on our bed, and originals on our wall. Petra loves antiques, and I love fast cars. All I have been able to provide for us.
She looks sullen.
“Baby,” I kiss her, “You’re a princess, a Goddess even and I will worship you forever.”
She cheers up a little, she enjoys the way we live as much as I do.
“Let’s go to Vienna next week.”
I kiss her.
That’s my girl.
I get up and stretch. Petra turns on some Tori Amos and we spend thirty minutes in our spacious bathroom getting ready to meet these old broads Petra has fallen in love with. She met them at Whole Foods while she was trying to find me a herbal stomach remedy, they couldn’t get over how young she looks to be in such a serious relationship.
Derry is all Miss Ferocious USA, while, Karr is pretty sweet, blonde and curvy just the way I like it.
Petra charmed them like she charms everyone with that glorious red hair, and the buxom honey sweet body of hers. That smile. Those hands. She moves like a magician, even when she puts on her mascara its like she about to perform of feat of illusion.
Holy hell I love her, but she has this need to bond with people, a bond I can happily do without. So every once in awhile she latches on to a child let’s say, dogs or (and this really burns me up) a man, or a pair of tribades like old Derry and Karr.
I finish getting myself ready; I use a mess of gel to spike out my short hair, put on some hot low rise jeans, a black shirt that dips in the front, (though I don’t have much to show) a silver cuff Pet gave me, and my Venus. She’s still fussing when I’m done so I fuck with my eyebrows a bit.
Then we leave our penthouse and get in the elevator.
“I said I’d bring wine,” she says.
“Why didn’t you just pick something out of the wine closet?” I ask.
“That stuff?” she asks, “I don’t want to bring a thousand dollar bottle of wine.”
“I’m sure they’d enjoy it,” I say.
“No we’ll pick up something on the way,” she says, and I can’t believe she’s embarrassed by our wealth.
When we reach the parking garage I point my key remote out at the sea of expensive luxury cars of our neighbors with my key remote and my black Dodge Viper roars to life.
“Oh baby I know,” I coo my groin pangs aroused by the sound of the engine.
“Really.” Petra snorts, she also wears jeans and a black top, a slinky off the shoulder number, her red hair is pulled up and she wear these long dangling earrings that look like jagged, piece of delicate smoked glass. She’s hot too, and I am really aroused.
We get in the car. The air conditioning chills us from the humid night, and Tori Amos’s sexy dulcet tones surround us, and I am really turned on.
“Can’t we cancel?” I whine as we pull out of the parking garage, “We can grab something to eat and go back home…get naked.”
“Forget it Snagglepuss,” she says.
“I hate these stupid stiffs. Why do I even have to go?”
“Because you love me,” she says.
“Not when you’re being all needy like this,” I say.
Things go silent and she’s boiling mad I can tell.
“I’m not staying long,” I fan the flames, “I’ll stay a while, then I’m going out. I’ll pick you up later.”
“Don’t be rude,” she snaps, “God you can be such a dope, I swear.”
“Me?” I ask, “We have nothing in common with them. Nothing. They’re stiffs.”
“They’re nice,” Pet insists.
I stop at a decent looking liquor store.
I confer with Venus before I step out of the Viper.
“You do that shit to much,” Petra criticizes, “You’ll destroy yourself.”
I ignore her and we go in.
I keep my hand at the small of Petra’s back as we move she’s sore at me for being difficult. I know I’m bad but I cannot stand being bored.
“Pet,” I mutter, “Don’t be sour. I’ll turn myself on and I’ll be a regular Rosie O for Derry and Karr tonight. I’ll tap dance even.”
I do a little shuffle and she laughs.
“You better,” she says and lets me kiss her.
She looks over the wines. Its slim pickings, deserted even, she decides on something dry. Some guys at the counter laugh it up with the cashier, they look over at me and Pet and I swear they lick their chops.
I don’t like being on the dinner menu, so I decide to make a scene.
“What the fuck are you lookin’ at?” I ask.
“Goddamnit Jules,” Petra grabs my arm, “Can’t I take you any where?”
She takes her selection to the counter I follow her sneering at the guys.
“You got a big mouth for such a skinny thing,” one of the guys says, he’s all sweaty from the hot night, he’s a ubercaveman with his low brow, his piercings and his tattoos of spiders crawling over his bald head.
“I sure do,” I tell him.
“Hey supermodel,” the other one says, “You gonna walk the run way for us?”
“Then throw up your dinner,” the ubercaveman says, and they crack up.
“Hee hee hee,” I say dryly then ram the heel of my hand into uber’s nose crushing the cartilage.
“Aww shit,” the cashier says.
Uber’s boyfriend tries to grab me but I bitch slap him across the room.
“You crazy bitch,” the cashier’s got a bat.
I leap onto the counter and kick him in the face.
“Let’s get the fuck out of here,” Petra says clutching the wine, disgusted—at me.
My eyes dart guiltily to the camera over the counter.
She turns glares at the thing and the little monitor beside flips to gray static.
We leave the store.
“I can’t fucking believe you,” she says, “Can we fucking go somewhere without an incident?”
“No one looks at us that way,” I tell her, “No one.”
“You’re such an idiot sometimes Jules, I swear,” she says.
“Goddamnit,” I tell her, “We have wine at home. This could have been avoided if you weren’t trying to poor us down for your friends.”
“We’re still going,” she insists.
“I bust my ass for what we have,” I tell her.
“That’s a lie,” she says, “You do dirt that’s how we get what we have. Derry and Karr, now they’ve worked hard for what they have, honest to goodness work.”
“Honest to goodness makes my ass ache.”
“You’re so immature,” she tells me.
There is silence again and I know it’s coming, even before she says it.
“I fucking hate the way you treat people,” Petra says, “I always have.”
“Why should you care? I treat you good,” I plead sullenly.
“Sometimes I can’t bare to watch it,” she says, “I’m sick of seeing shit die.”
“No one died back there,” I tell her.
“They will. One day, my dogs died, every thing fucking dies,” she sniffs and I know she’s crying.
Now I feel rotten, like a dumbass even.
When we get to Derry and Karr’s house I slink behind Petra to the door.
Derry answered the door, she thinks she’s ferocious, she’s fooled a lot of people too, but I make her look like Mother Goose passing out wollie-pops to all the good boys and girls.
“Hey Petra,” she smiles, she’s pretty hot though, she doesn’t bother trying to charm me, she just gives me a nod. She has a good heart. It turns my stomach to think of how fucking good she is. Is this what Pet wants? Some ferocious acting fool who probably can’t even pulverize a man’s nose?
She takes the wine and gives a wry grin.
Inside Karr hugs us both, she’s just that type, her green eyes twinkle as she sits us down for some baked apple slices topped with some white cheese. Petra eats one and chatters on with Karr. I politely refuse.
The wine comes and I have some of that. I listen to drivel about their business, and how they met, and their first damned Halloween. Petra is just eating this shit up she talks vaguely of how we met.
I am glad to get to dinner though I am not hungry for pasta with creamy sauce, and chicken breast. It looks plain and colorless to me and I want O-U-T.
When dinner is over Pet and Karr go into the kitchen laughing all the way. I perk up a bit alone with Derry.
“That’s some young woman you have,” she says, she seems uncomfortable about something.
“Karr tells me that the two of us should have a talk,” Derry says.
“Oh yeah?” I ask, “About what?”
“Petra of course,” she says, “She’s a sweet girl, but sometimes she seems depressed. She told Karr that sometimes she does not feel as fulfilled as she used to when she first met you.”
I take a gulp of wine trying to stay cool when I really want to turn the decoupage-laden table over and kick her meddling ass.
“Well,” I say, but don’t know what to say next except: “Well”
“Come, let’s go to my study,” she says.
The study is nice, tasteful, needs a jukebox with Led Zepplin tunes and it would be perfect for napping. She bids me to sit down in a plush chair, she sits across from me and folds one, khaki clad led.
“Petra tells me when you met her, her family was in serious financial trouble, that she was in danger of going from princess to pauper.”
“So what you think she’s with me because of the money?” I ask.
“Just a thought. You both are very young and passions run-”
“Lady,” I interrupt “You don’t know the half of it. I wish you’d just butt out. I don’t why Pet is letting you into our lives.”
“Maybe because she needs someone to talk to, maybe because you alienate her from people, keep her locked away in your ivory tower.”
“Bull hockey,” I roar, “Pet can come and go as she pleases. I protect her. I make it so she never wants anything.”
“Have you thought about what she really wants?” she asked, “It’s love Jules, and devotion.”
“Aw don’t give me your Dr. Phil nonsense, I am devoted to Petra, if she ever left me I’d just fly into the sun.” I walk out of there fiery mad, I find my wife crying on the other one’s shoulder.
“Come on Pet let’s go,” I tell her.
She stands up wiping her eyes,
“We haven’t even had desert yet.”
“I’m drained ok,” I tell her, the Derry has come out of the study.
“We’re going to Vienna next week,” I announce tersely, “My family has a castle there, I don’t know when we’ll be returning.”
“You’re running,” Karr says, “Are you that afraid to let someone new into your life?”
I shoot daggers at Pet she is about to shrink, her shoulder twitch but she stands her guard. I wonder what else she has told these two.
“I’m sick of this psychoanalesbic crap, we just need to go.”
“At least have desert,” Karr says desperate to make things right.
“We’ll talk,” Derry says, “It seems you two really love each other, you have to take out the time to just listen to what the other wants.”
Petra looks at me tears in her eyes, I have in seen her cry in so long and tonight I’ve seen tears on her cheeks twice. My heart just can’t take it. I’m tired, exhausted even.
“Ok,” I relent, “Its not like I don’t appreciate what you’re trying to do, but we will be all right.”
Karr pours up another round of wine, desert is apple pie with heart shapes in the dough.
“To friends,” Petra toasts in Greek, “And lovers.”
I smile at her everything is going to be fine.
She takes up her knife instead of her fork, so deftly like a magician, no one notices until she stabs Karr in the ear.
She lets out a shrill scream.
“What-?” Derry tries to leap across the table but I grab the back over her shirt and drag her off the table to her feet and into the wall knocking a Georgia O’ Keefe print on to the floor.
I bite her throat and begin to feed.
Petra falls on Karr, and we don’t speak another word until our victims are drained.
“Happy anniversary honey,” she gasps dropping the limp body of Karr.
“Oh love, I forgot.”
She jumps across the table like a cat, and into my arms,
“Three hundred years ago today you claimed me at that debutant ball and whisked me into the o so glamorous life of vampirism.”
I kiss her,
“You were so beautiful, so rich, so unspoiled, I wanted you on my arm for all eternity.”
“And you got me,” she says peering down at the corpses once Derry and Karr.
“I was thinking of turning them,” she says, “But then decoupage would never die out.”
We crack up laughing.
“They are still very wise, I’ve learned a lot tonight.”
“Yeah too bad we had to waste them.”
“Oh honey,” she says pointing to my mouth, “You got a little Derry stuck in your teeth.”
“Mmm” I fish out a sliver of flesh from between my teeth.
“I don’t get it Pet,” I say, “We’ve been together way longer than they have. Why ask them for advice?”
“Because they had the luxury of mortality, they never took a moment with each other for granted,” she tells me, “They couldn’t afford to. I want us to live like that except for eternity.”
“You know I love you,” I tell her, “Between now and forever we are going to fall out a million times, but I will never touch another woman” I look down at poor Derry and add, “In a sexual way.”
She smiles and looks around the dinning room wrinkling her face,
“And from now on let’s only befriend couples with a little taste.”
“Yeah,” I agree, “Now my dear, would you like to go and rock the cazba with me?”
“Indubitably,” she grins.
I fish my keys out of my pocket and press the remote button. Outside the Viper roars to life. Me and Petra my love forever, all eternity even, link arms and carefully step over Derry on our way out.
*tori amos may or not be a living goddess, it is only cornwel’s opinion and her ideals are suspect. But you have to agree that tori is definitely hot.
Email us: email@example.com