I'M GABRIELLE, BARD OF POTEIDIA?
General : The characters of Xena, Gabrielle and others belong to Universal, and Renaissance Pictures. No copyright infringement is intended.
Subtext : This story is based on the premise of two women very much in love with each other. While there are no graphic scenes involved, the theme runs through the story, and if this bothers you, click BACK PAGE and go read something else.
Synopsis : This story takes place around the end of season five. Gabrielle remembers her life since she joined Xena, trying to find the answer why their relationship is not the same as it used to be.
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My name is Gabrielle. I'm an Amazon Princess, and I used to call myself Bard of Poteidia, it was the perfect title for a person who loved to tell stories and bring joy to human's souls who were willing to listen carefully and open their minds and hearts to my storytelling. Now, I don't feel that comfortable calling me Bard, not that I don't want to be one anymore, just that I feel for some reason I can not tell stories the way I used to, I can't feel the words coming through my mouth and filling every piece of the room, and most of all I can't seem to enjoy it, it's like I'm not sure it has a point anymore. But, as this idea has been inside my head for a long time now, I decided to sit down for a while and take a scroll, and just let my quill move on it, and maybe that way I'll finally find out what is wrong and why I feel like I've missed something, something so important, that has let the door open for sadness, and I don't want to feel like this anymore ...
Guess if I want to know what's really going on here, I have to start from the beginning, and I guess that's Xena, she's the starting point of my life, because before our lives crossed I was just a young girl, who hadn't seen anything of the world, and actually I don't have that much to say about those years, just that the life in my village was all peace and joy, and that I shared some precious moments with my family, but most important that I always felt I wasn't gonna stay there for long. Even though my family and friends always treated me right, I couldn't help feeling I didn't belong there, I wasn't like the rest of them, and I knew someday I would leave, but guess I never expected it would be the way it was Xena, she was my ticket out, though she wasn't much happy about it. She saved me and my family from a dark warrior, and saved my soul in the process. She appeared to me as a Goddess coming from the same Olympus, a woman full of strength, courage, self-confidence, independent, somebody who could take care of herself, not worrying about what everybody would think. She was such an inspiration and I felt joining her in her journeys would be the perfect way to learn, after all, she was the best fighter I had ever seen and I wasn't gonna keep on waiting for another opportunity like that to show at my village. So, I was decided, I was leaving to be a warrior
Xena was the best teacher I could ever had. Watching her fight both warlords and Gods was a pleasure to see, I mean, not that I like to see poor men jumping to the air every time they got in Xena's way, but it's just that she seemed she really enjoyed it, her skills left me with my mouth open, she really knew how to make a show out of a fight. And well, me, I wanted to learn as fast as I could, so it wasn't that long till I began to learn some combat skills. Guess I really got into fighting seriously when I became an Amazon Princess, and as part of my duties, I had to be a good warrior. It wasn't easy at all; it seemed like I didn't have any skills to use a weapon. But then when I found this thing, this stuff, I felt really comfortable with and I began to make some really nice moves, ha, well not that I didn't hit myself once or twice. Anyway, I was learning to be a warrior, and I really liked it, till I had to do another requested duty, as the Princess. I had to kill Phantes, who in those days was the one who was blamed for the former Amazon Princess Terreis' death. I was given a sword and I managed to place it on Phantes' neck, but as much as I tried to I could not move it, I could not kill him I knew in that moment I would stay with Xena as her friend, fighting side by side, but without the killing part, that was something I would never do, or so I thought
Years went by, and I was all I ever wanted to be. I knew different places, peoples, stories, all across Greece. It was the best time of my life, or I should say of our lives, me and Xena. The more we spent time together, the deeper our friendship was getting. I loved her for so many reasons, she had given me a whole new life, she had made me experience the greatest adventures, she had let me join her in her fighting for the greater good, it was her and me against anyone who dare to take advantage of the weaker one. All that made me so complete, by the Gods, it was almost unbelievable being able to be the one you want to be, helping people and having the best friend in the world. All was too perfect I guess, so then one day the meanest woman entered our lives, it was Callisto, one of Xena's victims, back there in her old dark days. Her hatred and thirst of revenge were so huge, that she did everything she could to make Xena pay. And using me was a good way, so she did and my husband Perdicus paid the consequence. She killed him on cold blood, and I felt my own life was being taking away from me with his. My heart was filled with hatred, my head was spinning, and all I wanted was my revenge. It was a hard battle, a battle between my own instincts and my beliefs for live. But somehow, I found the way to win that battle and I didn't kill her. But the credit was not only mine, it was Perdicus and Xena's too, for making me see that that person wasn't me, that killing person, and that vengeance would not bring Perdicus back, it would just make me as evil as Callisto Perdicus' death was a terrible wound, and it did leave me a scar, but it wasn't gonna be the last one
They say times heals everything and I guess in part is true. Xena and I continued being the same persons we used to be, though I knew I wasn't the same, I mean, it would be silly to think Perdicus' death didn't change me, it did affect my life, but I tried as I could to look at future with hope, 'cause I knew I couldn't let myself losing that. So I had my reward, Xena's love I guess, foolish me, I had never noticed Xena's eyes were full of love towards me, I mean, I knew she cared about me, but not that way not until she kissed me using Autolycus' body that I realized about her feelings for me and my feelings for her. It was something so huge; my heart was running so fast I thought I was going to die. Then I realized though I loved Perdicus I never loved him the way I loved Xena. She was my friend, my partner, my soul mate and I thanked the Gods for letting me know such a joy we shared the most beautiful moments we were one and we were in peace, but not for long
When I thought everyday was bringing a new good thing into our lives, something happened. I trusted as I always did, I trusted someone so evil as evil itself, and I was tricked, I thought his life was in danger, so I tried to save him and I gave away my innocence in the process to his God, I killed All my beliefs, all my battles, all my love, it wasn't enough, I had failed and I felt like the worst person on earth, even more, I felt soulless, I felt I was all dirty, I felt hopeless
But then not all was lost, or so I thought. As a result of the dark God I got pregnant. And yes, it was his daughter, but I refused to think it was only his, I thought a part of me was in that baby, and maybe after it were born, I could help it fight its evil side. I decided I was going to give it a chance, and give me a chance. Soon, the most beautiful child was born, it was a girl, and I named her Hope Although my wounds were still open, this child, this baby, little by little was given me some new strength. I wanted to live to raise her as a good child; I wanted to give her all my love. Xena on the other hand, didn't seem much happy about it, and I couldn't understand her, I couldn't understand why. Then, she began to say she was evil, blaming her for things that happened, and I refused to believe her, that was my mistake I guess I put all my hopes in my daughter, and I couldn't let myself think she was going to turn away on me. I should have listened to Xena, now I know
As Xena and I didn't share the same point of view about Hope we separated but then we got together again, just because I lied I told her Hope was dead when she was very much alive. I wanted her to have chance, big mistake. After a while I found Hope, she was around 12, and my instinct of mother told me she needed me with her, I missed her more than the Gods know, so finding her brought new life to me. So then again I trust her, she was my child, and I wanted to believe her, and I failed again. She just used me; she used me to hurt Xena, killing her son. I don't know who suffered the most, Xena or me, Xena for losing a child or me for feeling guilty, I had betrayed the person I loved the most, but I never intended things would happen like that. I had to finish with Hope's life, was that justice, wasn't the exact situation as Callisto? I knew killing Hope wouldn't bring Solan back to life, but this wasn't all about me it was about Xena too, I knew she would go after Hope by her own, and me, feeling like the most awful creature in the earth for betraying her trust had no choice, it was the only choice, Hope had to died, so I killed her Too many dark days after that
Hopeless I became this soulless person nothing was worth it. I wanted to die I had nothing left, not my hope, my dreams, my child or Xena. Guess of all the things or persons I missed, Xena was the most precious one, that hurt my heart and it was completely broken in hundreds of pieces, she would never forgive me she would hate me for the rest of her life I felt empty. So I went to my Amazon's sisters and I tried to find my way again. But Xena, she wasn't gonna stay there and smell the roses, oh no, she would take her revenge, against me
I never thought I would live to see the fearless Warrior Princess going after me. What happened to all the love she had? It went away in a second, and soon I forgot about it too. Watching her trying to kill me filled my heart with hatred, and I wanted to see her dead too. So, we both lost our way, we let hatred enter our souls, we forgot about everything else. Pain was filling every part of our hearts and minds, and hatred was its son. But we found our way back; we worked our problems, not in an easy way. We hurt inside, we cried, but at the end, taking away the pain, all we had was our love, it was still there trying not to die, and that's what we did, we forgave ourselves and forgot everything else, 'cause we realized our love was greater than anything else. But still, then why I feel like this right now?
But not all was done yet. Hope wasn't going to let all end up like that, so she came back hand to hand with Callisto to fight us one more time. Another fight, another death. I was told by Ares that if Xena killed Hope, she would die. Xena I couldn't let it happen, I couldn't conceive my life without her, those words broke my heart again, and once more, I didn't know what to do. On one hand, I wanted to follow Xena's command, she was the one who wanted to fight Hope, and kill her. And I looked for a way to avoid that, I couldn't let her do it, so I didn't When she tried to stab Hope I stop her, and I jump to my death with my daughter around my arms. I preferred to die than living without Xena, that would have killed me, I know that
But, it looks like I'm a pretty lucky girl, someway; somehow I survived that fall into the fire. What was it? I've never been that sure about it. It's like all of my memories are blurred, and actually I don't remember much. All I remember is the falling and then waking up at some hospice, strange all I know is for some reason the Gods or someone else gave me one more chance, it was like a new start, and I really thought that time would be better. We fought Hope one last time, and after that, I knew I had many things inside my head, I needed answers, so we were gonna try to looked for them together
Side by side, again with Xena. We fought great enemies, all for the greater good. But again, though a part of me was happy to help the people, knowing sometimes fighting is the only choice, another part couldn't resist thinking about people's death, even if it were on a battle field. That was driving me crazy, I felt I needed to find something, I needed to find peace. So then I met Eli, and the more I knew him the more I wanted to be like him, I wanted to be as peaceful as he was, he looked so happy, so calm and I was looking for that desperately, I wanted it with all my heart, I wanted to let go my pain, 'cause obviously I hadn't succeed. So I began to listen to him, trying to learn from him, and I did
I found "the way love", it was about loving everybody and not fighting back, no matter what. I knew Xena's way of life and mine would be totally different, but I also knew we could spend our lives together even like that, even if our paths weren't the same, and she accepted, even though she didn't understand it, she supported me, and I loved her more than ever
Way of love now I see it wasn't the way for me either. I couldn't choose the way of love living with Xena. I should have known, sooner or later she would be the one needing me, and I had to be there for me, both in heart and body, I had to be willing to forget everything at all, all my beliefs, because her love was greater than all the rest, and I was willing to sacrifice my own soul to save her. So when I saw her life in danger, over there in Gaul, I had no choice, I had to save her, so I killed again. It was just that seeing her on the floor, lying helpless, it broke my heart and I was going to do anything to protect her, so I did I took the lives of several soldiers, one after one, just killing, till I suddenly realized what I had done, I killed again
Prison, Xena and me. Poor Xena lying on my legs feeling sorry because I left the way of love, you foolish thing, don't you know you're more important to me than everything else, and though I feel sorry for those men, I can't have regrets and we embraced each other Death was our destiny, we had been told, so death it was Xena was hurt, we were trapped, but at least we were together, and I don't know why, but I wasn't afraid, facing our destiny, dying in the crosses. Just because I was with you Xena, together till the end, a time ago you told me, even in death, I would never leave you, so I wouldn't either
Peace I open my eyes and see your face, you're holding my face, and all is calm we're surrounded by the brightest light and were holding hands for eternity
But even in heaven, things can get messed up. So once again like eternal evil, we meet our enemy Callisto who wants to take us to hell. A great battle takes places in heaven and hell, it was our greatest battle, we fought evil itself, our love was tested again, and we won
Back on earth together again and now with the certainty it was for eternity. Our future looked brighter than ever, so then, what happened?
First Xena finds out she's pregnant.. What?! What are you talking about?!. By the Gods Xena what was that all about? Who's the father? She says she doesn't know, how is that possible? But then I believe her, why would she lie to me? She's an honorable woman, and I believe her and I love her. Gee, I think I love her more than ever, it's so incredible, this love seems to grow every day more, she's my world, my joy, but for some reason, she's acting different. Yes, I know she cares for me, I knows she loves me, but she's not the same she used to be something's in her mind, in her heart, and she keeps on getting away from me. And little Eve, by the Gods, she was the cutest thing I have ever seen in my life, she was perfect, and my heart filled with glee even from before she was born. She reminded me of Hope and I thought it could be like another chance, it would be different with this child. I feel she's my daughter too, and I couldn't love her more if she were. So those are my two girls, the persons I love more than myself, and I could do anything for them, anything and I know that's why I've stand there for both of them, I'll protect them from everybody, always But there are times when I feel I'm gonna fall, and I know I can't, I can't fail them, but I can't deny sometimes I can't stand all this killing around me. This is so hard, but I know it's the only way, otherwise Xena or Eve's life would be in danger, and I can't afford that. So, guess I've had to put a mask to my feelings, trying to forget what I do now as often as Xena used to do, I can't think about it anymore, I used to be like that, and I was going crazy, I have to focus on Xena and Eve, and think that all I do is because of them, the rest well the rest is the price I have to pay, and I'm willing to pay it, because I love them
But what I can't stand for much longer is Xena's attitude. Yeah, I know she probably acts like that because she's focused on Eve, and I don't blame her, I mean, she missed all that with Solan, and she can't let herself lose it with Eve, and I'm glad for her. But Eve can't be the reason why she acts different these days, would it be me? Does she think I don't love her anymore? Yes, I know it hasn't been the same old me lately, and I can't talk to her as I used to, guess I'm guilty too I wish I could talk to her like in the old days, hold her hand, look at her eyes and know that everything is gonna be ok. I need her to hug me once in a while, I need to her say she loves me am I being too selfish? Xena just want to spend some time with her child and I'm complaining about forgetting about me Xena I need you more than ever I need you to tell me we'll be ok I know in the past I would have tried to talk about this already, but now I can't, I can't talk about things, and I barely can write
They say beware what you wish for. My first wish when I left my village was being a warrior and now I am...but now all I can say is being a bard again, just a bard. Well, actually now I'm writing, I can't believe it. Then, maybe there's still Hope. Am I still the Bard of Poteidia? will I ever find completely the bard in me ?, I have to find the answers , I have to find the way, I know I can, I have the strength I need to figure this out, so I can be the best person I can be, both for me and Xena, ha, and little Eve. Guess we still have a tomorrow, as long as we have each other, everything will be ok, love is the way
And I walked to Xena. I already decided, I'm gonna talk to her, for better or for worse. She's there with Eve in her arms. She glows. She's the most beautiful creature I've ever seen. I finally reach her side. She's sitting on a chair and it seems she hasn't noticed my presence.
I look at her and I found her eyes it seems I haven't looked in them for a long time, well, yeah I've looked, but not like this, like I can see inside her soul again. She's looking at me that look; I've missed it so much could it be true? could she be reading inside me as she used to do?, so before the magic goes away I say to her :
-Xena, I need to talk to you
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