When You Dance With the Devil
Ó by J.
‘Harley’ Elmore, 2003 – 2004
Little by little the bedroom door opened, and Seana cautiously
peeked around the edge. Tiptoeing so as
not to disturb the two sleeping forms in the bed, she made her way closer until
she could lean against the mattress. Wake up now, she silently pleaded.
Shifting her weight from one foot to the other, she inadvertently jiggled the
mattress. Eyes widening in alarm, her
little body froze. No! It was an
accident. I didn’t do it on purpose.
Nothing changed and so the child relaxed. But I want them to get up now. Maybe if a
just bump the bed a tiny bit more. That won’t wake up Mama. But Deven will wake
up. Before Seana could put her plan into action, Deven’s eyes opened and
they regarded each other.
“Hi munchkin,” the
martial artist said, her voice deep and rough from sleep.
“I didn’t wake you,”
Seana quickly pointed out.
“You were very quiet.
Thank you,” the woman replied. Her
still fuzzy brain registered that the child had in fact been quiet. Gonna have to watch that. Can’t have her
sneaking around too much.
Seana smiled happily at the praise and Deven stretched out as
much as she could with Rhian draped over her body.
“Deven?”
“Yes, Seana?”
“I’m hungry.”
“Why am I not
surprised?”
Still asleep, the
landscaper mumbled something that sounded like me too and then rolled over onto
her other side, pulling the covers up to her chin. Sitting up on the edge of
the bed, Deven slowly stretched again, easing out the kinks in her neck and
shoulders. Lord, am I tired.
“You don’t have
jammies?” Seana asked.
“Huh?” Deven glanced down at her nude body. Oh, crap. “Well, I was really hot last night.” True. Of course, you don’t need to know that it was your mother that
made me that way. “And then when it
cooled off some, I was too tired to put on my pajamas.” Also true. I was too tired because your mother wore my ass out.
Accepting the
explanation without question, Seana waited while Deven slipped on sweatpants
and a tee shirt. “Come on, princess.
Let’s go find some coffee.”
“I don’t drink
coffee.”
“I know, but I do.
And if you want breakfast, I need coffee.”
“Deven, you’re
silly,” the little girl said with a giggle.
“I am, huh?”
“Yes,” came Seana’s
answer accompanied by an emphatic nod of her head.
***
On the edge of
wakefulness, Rhian reached out for her lover.
When her hand landed on the cool sheet, her eyes opened and she looked
around the room in mild alarm. Pushing that undesirable feeling aside, she
reached out and wrapping her arms around Deven’s pillow, inhaled deeply. Good heavens, I’m tired. And if I’m this
tired, Deven must be exhausted.
Giving up the less
then acceptable substitute for her bedmate, Rhian released the pillow and
stretched. Did last night really
happen? Lifting the covers, she
gazed down her naked body. The small purplish marks on her chest and stomach
that Deven had made during their passionate reconciliation served as physical
proof of their coupling. But they
couldn’t provide confirmation to the emotional aspects.
Last night was so…hard.
But we connected. Really connected for the first time since this whole
damn thing started. Rhian felt
that niggling of doubt poke at her insecurities, and she resolutely challenged
the uncertainty. It did happen! Now the question is where is Deven
today? Not just where is she in the
house. Where is she in her mind? Where is she in her heart?
The need to check on the woman was enough to stir the
landscaper out of bed. After freshening
up and donning the robe she’d worn the previous night, she followed the smell
of coffee to the kitchen. “Morning. How
are my too favorite girls?”
“Morning, Mama. Deven made me pancakes.”
“Yeah? Maybe she’ll make me some, too?” Rhian asked
hopefully and waited to see how her companion would reply.
“I might consider it.
What’s in it for me?” Deven teased.
“Anything you
desire,” she replied with relief. She’s here.
“Anything?” Deven
questioned seductively.
“Anything,” Rhian
confirmed and then wrapped her arms around the martial artist’s waist. “I think you could use a hearty breakfast or
two.”
“I lost some weight,
huh?”
“I’d say that’s an
understatement.” Releasing her lover, Rhian picked up Deven’s coffee mug and
took a sip. ”It really freaked me out when Dr. Hadari told me how much weight
you’d probably lose.”
“Unfortunately, most of it was muscle,” the martial artist
said as she took a step back and leaned against the counter. “It’s going to be a pain working everything
back up.”
“You’ll do it,
honey.”
“What if I don’t want
to?”
“I don’t understand,”
Rhian replied as she set the mug down.
“What if I’m just too
tired of it? I’ve been doing this my whole life. Training. Competing. Teaching.
What if I just don’t want to anymore?”
“That’s your
decision, Deven.”
“But what about us?”
“What about us?” the
landscaper asked. “Deven, I don’t love you because of your talent.”
“No?”
“I admit that I do
love to watch you. You’re amazing. And I love to watch you teach. But, honey,
that isn’t why I love you. If you’re done with the martial arts, that’s fine.
I’ll stand by any decision you make.” Taking a step forward, Rhian initiated
the contact by leaning against her lover’s body. Without hesitation, Deven wrapped her in a warm embrace and Rhian
smiled at the pure pleasure of this simple contact. “Have you thought about what you might want to do?”
“Not really. I could
sell the schools easily enough and make arrangements with the new owner to
ensure that none of my students lose out on their contracts.”
“You can do whatever you want, but you have to do something.
I can’t imagine you doing nothing all day long. It’s just not in you. You’d go nuts and take me with you,” Rhian
responded.
“So, I can do
whatever I want,” Deven considered. “Okay, I think I’ll become a sex
therapist.”
Rhian’s eyes grew round and then she laughed. “You can only do that under two
conditions. One, you can counsel but
you can’t participate. Two, you have to video tape the sessions and bring them
home so I know what you’ve been up to.”
It was the martial
artist’s turn to laugh. “You’re a voyeur!”
“Don’t need to be
when I’ve got you. Just looking at you
turns me on. I love you, Deven.
Whatever you decide to do, it won’t change how I feel about you.”
With cautious faith,
the woman took in Rhian’s declaration and tucked it safely inside. “I called Dr. Martin this morning,” she said
under her breath.
“It’s the day after
Thanksgiving. She’s working?”
“No. I, uh,” Deven hesitated in slight embarrassment. “She gave me her cell phone number in case I
needed it for some reason. I’ve arranged to see her Monday afternoon.”
This step was significant for Deven, and so the landscaper
proceeded with prudence. “I think that’s a really good thing, honey.”
“I was wondering if
you. Well, if you would consider going
with me.”
“Of course, Deven, if
that’s what you want.”
After a quick glance
to ensure that Seana was engrossed with breakfast, Deven looked back at her
lover and tried to find the words to fully explain. “I know that over the past few months, I’ve given you every
indication that my brain wasn’t engaged at all. But in reality, I’ve done a lot of thinking. About the past. The
rape. My father. My mother. Kiki. You. The kids. Jay. Kelly.” So many doors had opened last night that it
was frustrating for the woman that she couldn’t just let her guard down. Speaking of some things still felt like an
incredible weakness and she was loath to feel that way.
“Honey, relax and
breathe,” Rhian answered with compassion.
“I know it can be difficult for you to talk about certain things. I’m
not going to judge, Deven. I may not like everything, and I don’t have to. Just like you don’t have to like everything
I do or say. I trust, however, that
even though you may not like it, you’ll still love me.”
“It’s just hard for
me, baby,” Deven replied unhappily.
“I know,” the
landscaper answered while reaching up and caressing the woman’s face. Trust
me, honey. Please just trust me.
Leaning into the
touch, the martial artist closed her eyes.
“All the time I worked with the doc, I never really talked about what
caused all the anger. I mean
intellectually, yes, but emotionally I always managed to skirt around it. Talking about how I felt just enough to get
by.”
Seeing the struggle
clearly on Deven’s face, Rhian traced the woman’s features with her fingertips,
smoothing out the worry lines.
“Dr. Martian and
I. We talked about how I could control
it.” Her eyes opened and the turbulence
of her emotions shone clearly. “I think
I need to clear some things up. I’ve been pissed off for so long, I don’t know
what it’s like not to carry that around all the time. But I’d like to find out. I don’t want to feel this way anymore,
Rhian. I want to really put all that stuff behind me. Does that make sense?”
“Yes,
it does, Deven. Do you think you can?
Put it all behind you?”
“I don’t know. I
guess I’ll never be rid of it. But I’d like to live my life without it being a
constant in how I act or react to things.”
“I’ll do everything I
can,” Rhian assured. “I’ll be there when you want me to be. And I’ll be here
even when you don’t want me to be.”
“Thank you.”
“You don’t need to
thank me for this, Deven. I want to be
here for you whenever and however I can.
That’s part of friendship, my love.”
“Rhian, I want so
badly to change things.” Reaching up
she rubbed the back of her neck, buying time to push down the most tenuous
emotions. “I’m so sorry for what I’ve put you through. I couldn’t find my way out of it, but I
wanted to.”
“I know that now,
honey. I didn’t understand what was going on because you wouldn’t let me.”
“I want to do right
by you and I will. I swear it,
Rhian. I’ll give us everything I have
to give. Please forgive me.”
The landscaper
reached up and covered her mouth to stop the cry that wanted to be freed. Emotions were still running high and were
precariously close to the surface. Were
it not for Seana’s presence, Rhian would have let them run their course. Instead, she swallowed and took a deep
breath. “Deven Storm Masterson, I’ll
forgive you on two conditions.”
“Anything.”
“That you forgive
me,” Rhian answered.
“There isn’t anything
to forgive.”
“Yes there is, and
you know it. So, my first condition is
that you forgive me for having failed you when you needed me most.”
“Rhian.”
“I’m serious,
Deven. I wanted to be there, but I got
so frustrated and resented you so much. I guess it was easy for me because I
had my mother there to take up the slack.”
“You couldn’t do
anything because I wouldn’t let you,” Deven argued.
“Perhaps. But I’ll
never know because a part of me wasn’t strong enough to deal with it. So, again
I say that you have to forgive me and mean it.”
“Always.”
“As much as I like
hearing that, I won’t accept it until you’ve truly thought it through. We’ll
discuss that one again,” she said with an affectionate smile. Then settling her hands on Deven’s waist,
she said, “And the second one is that you forgive yourself.”
“I don’t know how,” Deven answered sadly. “But I’ll work on
it. I give you my word.”
“That’s all I ask.”
“I love you, Rhian.”
“I love you,
too.” Pulled into an almost desperate
embrace, Rhian relaxed, letting Deven take what she needed. When the hold eased, she leaned back and
asked, her breath lightly caressing the martial artist’s face. “What do you want?”
“You,” was the quiet
but certain declaration.
“Can it be that
simple?”
“No,” Deven answered
with a rueful smile. “But I promise you
that from this moment forward, I’ll do everything I can to make us work. Rhian, I’m going to mess this up over and
over again. You have to know that, but
I swear to you that you’re what I want.
This is what I want.”
“You’re going to make
me cry, Masterson.”
“Then I’ll kiss away
every tear.”
Rhian laughed even as
the tears trickled down her cheeks, and Deven made good by lightly kissing each
damp trail. “You are wonderful, Deven.”
Placing her head back on the martial artist’s shoulder, Rhian let all
the tension fade out of her body.
“Mama?” Seana asked
uncertainly.
“Yes, baby?”
“You okay?”
Turning her head but
keeping her arms around her lover’s body, Rhian looked at her daughter. “I’m
very okay. So is Deven.”
Satisfied, the child
smiled. “Good.”
“So, Ms. Masterson,
what do you want to do today?”
“Go get Tiernan.”
Rhian leaned back and
regarded her companion. “Have you talked to Kelly?”
“No,” Deven replied. “He’s my son. I never gave up my parental rights. I simply made Laura a guardian. If they want to take me to court
and take him away then that’s what they’ll have to do. In the meantime, I want him home. With us.”
“All right, Champ,”
the landscaper answered while lightly patting the woman’s side. “I’m with you.”
“Me too!” Seana piped
in and got a wink from the martial artist.
“As for Kelly, you
need to talk to her,” Rhian said.
“She isn’t going to
want to talk to me.”
“I think you’re
wrong, honey. She’s been your friend, a true friend for a long time. That
doesn’t just get wiped away. She cares a great deal for you.”
“I think you have the
tense wrong. She cared for me.”
“No. She still does.”
“How do you know?”
Deven asked skeptically.
“We’ve been in
touch,” Rhian answered simply. “Everything that happened was hard on her,
too. And it hurt her to see you acting
the way you did that day.”
“I don’t know what to
say to her.”
“You’ll think of
something. Just be honest with her.”
“Can we just table
this for now? I’ve got enough on my mind at the moment without throwing that
into the mix.”
“Of course. Do you
want help with breakfast?”
“Nah. Get out of my
way, wench.”
Rhian grinned. “Yes, ma’am.” She fixed herself a mug of coffee and then she sat down next to
her daughter. After taking a sip, she
watched Deven over the brim of the cup.
“Deven?”
“Yes?” the woman
drawled.
“You sure are sexy.”
Deven stopped and her
mouth opened to reply, but before a retort could escape her lips, she was drawn
into the sincerity of her lover’s expression.
Shaking her head, she returned her gaze to the griddle as a half smile
teased her lips and a warm, happy sensation spread up from her belly.
While Rhian parked
the Pathfinder, Deven mentally prepared herself for the battle ahead. “I’ll be
right back,” she said as her fingers closed around the door handle.
“Do you want me to
come with you?” the landscaper offered.
“Nah. I hope to be in
and out before anyone can really say much.”
“All right. But so
help me, if you mother says or does one thing to hurt you or Tiernan. I’m going to.” The woman tried to think of
something forceful to say but when that failed, she fell back on the first
thing that had popped into her head. “I’m going to slap her naked and steel her
clothes.”
Deven stared at her
lover for a second or two and then burst out laughing. “What?”
“You heard me.”
“That’s what I’m
afraid of,” she said with a smile and a shake of her head.
“Well, I could dig a hole and plant her up to her neck, but
it’s illegal to bury toxic waste in these here parts.”
“You’re a nut, you
know that?”
“Yeah, I know,” Rhian answered back. “But seriously, don’t let her get to
you. She just isn’t worth it, honey.”
Leaning across the seat, Deven kissed her friend on the
cheek. “Thank you.” She eased out of
the truck and walked towards the house, guardedly watching for any sign of
Patricia or Laura. Several feet from
the stoop, she hesitated as the front door opened slightly. “Tiernan?”
The little boy peeked
out warily and opening the door further, he took one step out onto the stoop.
Deven started forward
again, but stopped abruptly when her son moved as if in retreat into the safety
of the house. “Hey, buddy,” she said
cautiously. “You okay?”
“Mommy?” he whispered
uncertainly.
His apparent fear
caused Deven’s chest to tighten. “Yes,
T. It’s me,” she responded. He remained
where he was, neither moving forward nor retreating, but she could see that he
had started to tremble. “What’s wrong, son?”
Tiernan’s lower lip
quivered as he asked, “Is it you?”
Unable to understand
his behavior, she started to get frustrated. “Of course, it’s me. Look, I’m
sorry I was away so long. I tried to call you.”
Suddenly he was
moving and picking up speed as he ran towards her. “Mommy!”
Kneeling down, she
opened her arms to the boy. He rushed
at her, knocking her backwards as he made contact. She went with his momentum to ease the impact and landed on her
back. Sitting up, she held the weeping
child tightly.
The collision caused
Rhian to gasp. Fearful that Deven may
have been hurt, she quickly exited the vehicle and broke into a jog towards
where her lover now sat.
“I thought,” he sobbed against her neck.
Deven had not known
what to anticipate, but this reaction was certainly not how she’d imagined it
would play out. Her own tears fell
silently as she wept for her son’s obvious pain while acknowledging just how
much it had hurt to think he’d been lost to her. Rhian’s hand came to rest upon
her shoulder, and she soaked up the comfort even as she tried to pass some along
to the troubled child. “What did you
think?” she asked.
“I thought you were
dead,” he cried in anguish.
“No, son. I was hurt
badly, but I’m better now. Why would you think I was dead?”
“Grandmother said
that.” He hiccupped and then released another near howl.
“What did she say,
T?”
He couldn’t seem to
stop crying and clung to her in desperation.
Lifting her eyes, Deven met Rhian’s tear filled gaze.
The landscaper
recognized the hardening of Deven’s features and understood the rage that was
brewing beneath the surface. Gently, she wiped at her lover’s tears and then
dropping her hand to the martial artist’s shoulder, she gave it a squeeze as if
to say I’m with you.
When Tiernan calmed
some, Deven asked, “Did she tell you that I’d died?” He didn’t answer and she carefully pushed him back enough that
she could look at his face. “Tiernan?”
He took a shuddering
breath and then hiccupped again. “She said the devil caught up with you,” he
answered in anguish. “She said that you
were never coming back!”
“Well, as you can see
I’m still here,” she replied with a smile though inside she felt the lure of
going to find the woman and releasing a lifetime of pent up wrath. Why
not, Masterson? Go beat the woman to a bloody pulp. Her heart rate
increased at the thought. You could pay her back for everything she
ever did to you and to Tiernan. Wouldn’t it feel great? Her abdominal
muscles went taut, and her arms twitched as she imagined punching her mother in
the face. Yeah, it would.
“I missed you, Mommy.”
“I
missed you, too.” The imagery vanished
as she looked at his face. She isn’t
worth it. I didn’t go through hell just so I could get thrown into jail. I went
through hell so that I could have my family. Using the sleeve of her sweatshirt, she dabbed at the dampness on
his cheeks.
Kneeling down beside
them, Rhian studied her companion’s features.
“You all right?”
“Yeah,” Deven replied
before leaning forward and kissing her son’s forehead.
“Hi, Rhian,” Tiernan
said with a shy smile.
“Hi, little man,” she
responded as she lightly stroked his hair.
“Go on and give Rhian
a hug. I know you want to.” He stood,
and Deven watched as Rhian embraced him. This
is right. Her gaze shifted to the
front door as her sister stepped out of the house, and then slowly standing up,
Deven brushed herself off. “Wait here,
okay? I’m just going to get his
things.” Nearing the house, she passed
Laura without acknowledging her presence and strode determinedly to Tiernan’s
room.
“You look good,
Deven,” Laura commented as she hurried to catch up to her sister. Not receiving
a response, she asked, “What are you doing?”
“Where’s his
suitcase?”
“Why?”
“Because I need to
put some things in it,” Deven said in exasperation. “Where is it?”
“You aren’t taking
him.”
“Yes, I am,” she
answered simply.
“Deven, you know she
isn’t going to just let him go. She’ll
take you to court. You don’t want that do you?” Laura tried to reason. “Your past and your lifestyle will be brought
out into the open.”
“If that’s what you all
choose to do, then do it. But I damn
well guarantee that I won’t be the only one dragged through the mud and left
out in public to dry. Now where’s the
suitcase?” When Laura didn’t reply,
Deven threw open the closet door hard enough to cause it to bang into the wall.
A quick survey determined it wasn’t there and as she turned, she saw Laura
glance at the bed. Ah ha.
Walking over, she
knelt and pulling the suitcase from beneath the bed, she placed it on top of
the mattress. From each dresser drawer,
she took what Tiernan needed in the near term.
She didn’t touch the spring and summer clothing because he would
certainly outgrow them over the winter.
From the closet, she removed a couple of jackets, some long sleeve
shirts, and a few pairs of shoes.
“You can’t just take
those.”
“Why not? I paid for
them!” Pivoting, Deven’s eyes narrowed and her voice dropped to a menacing
tone. “You’re too much, Laura,” she
said as she walked closer to the younger woman. “For years, you’ve bitched that I needed to be more involved with
my son; that I needed to be an active participant in his life. So, now that I
am, you don’t want me near him.”
“It isn’t that,
Deven. It’s a question of what’s best
for him.”
“And you don’t think
I am. Well, maybe you’re right but
there are a lot of people who think I can do this. That I can do right by him.
Besides, I’m not doing this alone.
Rhian and I are going to raise our children. Together.”
“You can’t be
serious?” Laura asked. “What kind of a
home life is that for a child?”
“A loving one.” Returning to the bed, the martial artist
snapped the suitcase closed, picked it up, and then scanned the room one more
time.
“Deven, think about
this.”
“I have,” she said
over her shoulder as she strolled down the stairs and then out the front
door.
“Deven! You can’t just take him!” Laura called after
her.
“Watch me.” She put the suitcase in the back of the
Pathfinder. “Let’s go gang.”
Rhian helped Tiernan
into the truck before moving to stand next to her partner.
“Deven!”
“Stop it, Laura! You
took him away from Rhian. You took him
away from me. You didn’t let him come
see me. You wouldn’t even put him on
the phone! You let him believe I was dead!
How could you?”
“I didn’t. Mother.”
“Save it! You’re an adult, Laura! I left him with you because I believed you’d
care for him. Protect him. You didn’t. You think you’re better for him than I
am! I’ve never hit him. I’ve never lied
to him. I want him happy. I want him
healthy. And I sure as hell want him to
know how much we love him. So back
off!”
Placing her hand in
Deven’s, Rhian felt the trembling and knew that the martial artist was
struggling to not let her temper take over.
Tightening her fingers, she felt the contact returned and the shaking
eased.
Looking at the
landscaper, Deven felt her body relax. Turning her focus back on her sister,
she acknowledged that a part of her felt sorry for the woman. “Laura, if you
hadn’t taken him in and cared for him, we wouldn’t be having this conversation. I’d have put him up for adoption and neither
one of us would have known him. You’re
responsible for a lot of the goodness in him.
I know that. But I also know that Patricia is not good for him, and you
can’t seem to protect him from her. I hope that one of these days you’re going
to stop letting her bully you and realize you’re a wonderful person.
“If Rhian hadn’t come
into my life and showed me that I am more than the sick flawed person I always
believed I was, I wouldn’t be here now.
I would have died in that warehouse and been happy about it. But she gave me a reason to live. She’s shown me that I can love and be
loved. I just want him to know that.”
Laura nodded even as
her shoulders slumped in defeat. “You
know that Mother isn’t going to let this go easily.”
“I know. And if she chooses to go to court, there
isn’t anything I can do about it but fight back. But this all really goes back
to long before I ever got into any trouble. Long before Tiernan was born. I
can’t even remember a time when she didn’t look at me like I was some demon
spawn.”
“I’ve never
understood it either. I wish things
weren’t this way,” Laura said with a small shake of her head. “May I at least
talk to him?”
“Of course,” Rhian
said sympathetically. “Laura, we don’t want to exclude you from his life. He
loves you and we know that you love him. But he needs to be with his mother,
and she needs him with her.”
Laura walked over to
where Tiernan was sitting and gave him a small smile. “You be good. And you can call whenever you want. Okay?” He nodded.
“I love you,” she said as she hugged him gently.
“I love you, too,” he
replied sadly.
Stepping back, Laura
was uncertain what to say or do. When
Deven moved forward and hugged her, she tensed for an instant before memories
of her childhood protector won out over her anxiety of the moment. “Take care of him,” she whispered.
“You know I will,
Laura. And you can see him and talk to
him. Okay?”
“Okay,” she answered
with a catch in her voice.
Releasing her sister,
Deven closed the back car door, separating Tiernan from the woman who had
raised him. “All right, let’s get out of here before the witch flies in on her
broom,” she said.
Laura turned abruptly
and nearly ran back to the house. Watching her go, Deven felt a pang of guilt
but quickly pushed it aside. He’s mine.
“Deven?” Rhian asked
as she started the truck. “You okay?”
“Mostly. I wish it didn’t have to be like this.”
“I know. Me,
too.”
“It’s the right
thing, isn’t it?” Deven whispered. “For
him?”
“Yes, love. It is
most certainly the right thing. Let’s
go home.”
Deven nodded
slightly. “Home,” she said
wistfully.
Another gust of brisk
fall air swirled around Kelly, playfully tugging at the hem of her skirt. One hand clutched the handle of her
briefcase while the other fought to keep the lapels of her jacket closed
against the invisible blast. Her head was bowed as much from the dejection of
the day as the blustery weather. It had
been one of those days that caused her to question yet again why she didn’t
change careers.
Shake it off, Kelly. You promised Carl you wouldn’t bring it
all home with you anymore. Lifting
her head in defiance of her mood, Kelly almost stumbled as her eyes settled on
the last person she expected to see.
Though she had remained in contact with Rhian, there hadn’t been any
communication with Deven since that day at the Mackenzie home. Now the woman stood no more than ten feet
away, and cursing under her breath, Kelly bowed her head again and continued to
walk towards the parking lot.
In just a few long
strides, Deven moved to intercept. “Kelly.”
With an aggrieved
sigh, the lawyer stopped. “What!”
“I just want to talk
to you,” Deven answered defensively.
She hadn’t known what kind of reception she might get from this woman,
but that Kelly would still be so angry hadn’t been on her list of
possibilities.
“Does Rhian know that
you’re here?”
“No.”
“Why not?” Kelly
demanded.
“Because she would
have wanted to come along,” the martial artist answered guardedly.
“So? Why wouldn’t you
want her along?”
“I,” Deven began to reply but then hesitated. Shoving her hands into the pockets of her
jeans, she was achingly aware of how awkward she felt at that moment. “I guess I was concerned that if she was here
we wouldn’t really have a chance to talk.”
“Do you have any idea how absolutely lame that sounds?” the
lawyer shot back reproachfully.
“I do now,” Deven
grumbled.
Kelly shook her head in aggravation. “What you said that day
was really shitty, Deven.” The martial artist’s discomfort was obvious, and for
some inexplicable reason, that fueled Kelly’s anger. “What I especially don’t like is the knowledge that you’re
capable of hurting her both emotionally and physically.”
“I can’t explain that.”
“There is no
explanation for it! Ever! I’ve always known you were sometimes mean
spirited and a bully, but for some reason I never expected you’d be abusive
like that. Especially to Rhian!” They
stared at each other in silence, neither certain what to say next. “What do you want?”
“I just came to
apologize.”
“Fine.” Kelly moved
away towards her car once more and then stopped. “Do you need a ride somewhere?” she asked without looking back.
“No. Jay’s going to
pick me up.”
“Good.” Starting forward, Kelly had taken no more
than two steps before she whirled around to face the other woman. “Do you have any idea how much she loves
you?”
“Yes. I mean, I
believe I do,” Deven answered.
“What happened to you
was horrifying. I see photographs of
atrocities all the time, but nothing ever prepared me for seeing you like
that. I know that our pain and
suffering at what they’d done to you was nothing compared to what you were
going through. But it still hurt!”
The martial artist
moved closer, cautious of closing the distance between them too quickly. “I
know.”
“Do you? Do you have
any damn idea what it was like to see you like that? To look at your abused body and not know what or if you’d
recover?” Kelly’s eyes brimmed with
tears and she brushed at them angrily.
“No.”
“Of course not. Why would you even consider what anyone else
might have been experiencing? So typical!”
“That’s not what I
meant, Kelly. I understand but I don’t
know what you were feeling. I can only
imagine how I’d have felt if it had happened to one of you.” She took another step closer and reaching
out slowly, wiped a tear from the lawyer’s cheek. “I’m sorry, Kel. I’m
sorry that I put you through that. That I put you all through it.”
Kelly wanted to hold
onto her righteous indignation, but Deven’s obvious sincerity made it
impossible. “Why do you have to be so
damn charming?”
“There’s just no
pleasing you, is there?” Deven replied. Shaking her head, the lawyer looked
away, keeping her face averted. Surmising in her head that this was how things
might turn out hadn’t been sufficient in preparing the martial artist for the
heartbreaking loss of this woman from her life. “I understand that you probably
don’t want anything to do with me. I never gave you a reason to. But I wanted you to know that I am sorry.”
“I would imagine that you have an awful lot to be sorry for,”
Kelly said. “But the question I have is
what are you going to do to actually deal with it? When are you going to stop taking everything out on those around
you?”
Deven watched as Jay
pulled up and parked at the curb. “You’d think this would get easier to talk
about but it doesn’t,” she answered.
“Believe it or not, I’m trying, Kel. I’ve started going to my shrink
again. And I’ve had Rhian go with me a couple of times.”
“You’re going to your
what? And what do you mean again?”
“Long story, but if
you’re really interested, I’ll tell it to you. Just not right now. This isn’t
the time or the place to talk about that.”
At a loss over how to respond to that revelation, Kelly
prudently remained quiet. Jay exited his car and started to walk towards them,
but Deven put her palm outward to him, telling him to come no closer. Having
admitted to Dr. Martin’s presence after all these years left Deven feeling
extremely exposed in front of this woman.
It had been a guarded secret for longer than she’d know Kelly, and she
felt as if she were being stripped of her dignity.
“So you’re seeing a
psychiatrist and it’s someone you’ve seen in the past?”
“Yes,” was all Deven
was willing to give up.
“And Rhian knows and
is attending sessions with you?”
“Yes.”
“Just when I think you can’t possible say or do anything
surprising anymore, you hit me with something totally unexpected.”
“Well, I don’t want
to disappoint you,” Deven said with a touch of sarcasm.
“Too late for that,”
Kelly shot back.
“Touché.” Perching on
the tip of the martial artist’s tongue was another apology, but she refused to
give it voice and mustered up the remnants of her pride. “All that aside, you have to believe that I
don’t want to ever hurt her.”
“I want to believe
that, Deven, as much she already does. But let me ask you something. Have you
ever struck a woman? And I don’t mean
during a competition or training or a barroom brawl.”
All of Deven’s false
pride flew away on the next breeze and she hung her head as she tried to keep
some semblance of composure. That was a
question she hadn’t anticipated and it just wasn’t in her nature to lie. When she looked up again, tears brimmed in
her eyes despite her efforts to deny them.
The remorse and guilt
on Deven’s face caused the lawyer to involuntarily take a step back. Even as
she’d asked the question, Kelly had known the possibility existed but she
didn’t truly believe the answer would be assenting. “Oh, my god.”
“Kelly, please. It was a long time ago. Things were
different then. I was different. Everything just got out of hand.”
“Does Rhian know?”
“I told her
everything before we ever got together.”
The woman took
another step back and the martial artist felt her heart sink further. “I don’t even know who you are, Deven.”
“Yes, you do. You do,
Kelly. I’ll tell you everything if you want. I’ll have Rhian there too so
you’ll be sure I don’t leave anything out.”
“This is
unbelievable.”
“I love you, Kelly,”
Deven continued in a rush. “I can’t
tell you how sorry I am. Not just for this but for all the hurt I’ve caused
you. I’ve had a lot of time to think in
the past few months. Most of it was pretty skewed but some of it made
sense. I know that you’re the one
person in my entire life besides Rhian, who has always tried to really see me.
Not like I wanted people to see me but like I really am. Or maybe like I could
be.”
Deven swallowed
several times as she internally begged her friend to hear what she was saying.
“I’ve made a lot of mistakes. Mistakes that have hurt so many people. Mistakes that have hurt the people I care
most about. I wish I could change all
that. I don’t have any real family in this world, but I’ve always considered
you to be just that. You and Jay. And now Rhian and the kids.”
Lifting her hand,
Kelly covered her eyes and her shoulders shook slightly. The indecisiveness
left and Deven took that last step. Reaching out, she wrapped her arms around
her friend and held tight despite the woman’s attempts to pull away. They
struggled for a few seconds but then the tension in the lawyer’s body eased and
she returned the embrace.
Kelly sniffled and
then said, “I should knock you on your ass.”
“Okay. If it’ll make
you feel better.”
“No. Then I’d have to
explain to Rhian why you have a broken tail bone.” She gave Deven one last squeeze and stepped back.
“You two have become rather close buddies. Should I be
jealous?” Deven teased.
“Laugh it up,
Masterson. If I weren’t married, I’d have thrown you out and taken her from
you.”
The bantering disserted the martial artist and she gazed off
across the parking lot. “I really hate myself for that, you know? I love her so much, but I just couldn’t seem
to get past everything else. I knew I didn’t deserve her, and I convinced
myself she was with me for all the wrong reasons. I just couldn’t believe that
she still loved me. I don’t know why she didn’t just kick me out.”
“Because she does
love you, and she believes in you. You’re lucky to have found her, Deven.”
“I know,” the martial
artist replied. “And you.”
For the first time,
Kelly looked closely at her friend.
Deven’s face showed little of the trauma that had been visited upon her,
but the telltale signs were still visible though unobtrusive. The work the
doctors had done was so amazing that the physical traces of that episode would
eventually fade into shadows as inconspicuous scars.
Uncomfortable under her friend’s scrutiny, Deven shifted her
weight restlessly and changed the subject.
“Listen, Rhian wants to have a little holiday get together at the house,
and we’d like for you and Carl to come.”
“I’m sure we could
work something out.”
“Good. I’ll call you
with the details. Or, if you’d prefer, Rhian can.”
“Whatever you prefer,”
Kelly answered, putting the decision back on Deven.
“I’d prefer to go
back three months and never have any of this happen.”
“But it did.” Kelly glanced over to where Jay was waiting
and when her gaze returned to her friend, she was more relaxed with their
situation though she knew there were a lot of unresolved issues lying between
them. “Give me a call. But I’m warning
you right now, Deven. You’ve run out of freebies.”
Leaning closer, Deven kissed her on the cheek. “Thank you.” The relief at knowing she still had a chance to make things right
between them made her feel almost giddy.
“Want me to walk you to your car?”
“That’s all right.
I’m parked right there. Go home before Rhian sends out the posse.”
“I love you, Kelly.”
The lawyer turned and
walked away. “For whatever reason, I
love you too,” she said over her shoulder.
And watching her,
Deven was able to just make out the hint of a smile.