how to write a typical uber-xena fic:

copyright invidere 2002. i claim full responsibility for its contents.

do you like watching xena: warrior princess? do you sit at your computer, spending hours and hours reading about characters named janice/mel/annie/mattie/etc? have you ever wished you could write a steamy lovestory involving two women who happen to be reincarnations/descendants/completely-unrelated-yet-bear-striking-resemblance to your favorite pre-mycenaean heroines? of course you have! now, with this handy-dandy guide to uber, you too can be one of the hundreds and hundreds of uber xenafic bards out there, earning millions upon millions of imaginary monopoly money today!

step one: angst. any kind of angst will do. political/social/mental/sexual angst. bonus points if you have all 4. be dissatisfied with something. don't like republicans? fine. was someone a complete asshole to you and you want to get back? great. are you a horny bastard and have a *real* good imagination? oh boy, is uber-fic the place for you!

step two: characters. next, you need to watch an episode of xena:warrior princess. if you don't, you run the risk of writing a story about your gray-haired 100-year-old grandpa and trying to pass it off as uber...not cool. you also need to know who the main characters of the show are. they go by the names xena and gabrielle.

step three: physical characteristics. a good (or even mediocre) bard is very clear as to what these women look like. and make sure it's two women because--let's face it--how many uber-xenafics have you read about an uber-virgil/eve romance? we're talking typical uber, which revolves around some hot girl-on-girl action.

and what luck! these sweet young thangs come already prepackaged, just waiting for you to put them into action. physically speaking, uber-xena must be: tall, dark-haired, blue-eyed, muscular (or just very athletic), got great breasts and a really nice @$$. uber-gabby is: short (petite), blond (or red-head), green-eyed, curvaceous, and is somewhat of a ravishing beauty herself. i've seen uber-x and g exchange eye color, and occasionally height, but do not and i repeat do *not* try to convince the reader that the one with the black hair is uber-g, and vice versa. anyways, the important thing is that these women are dead sexy.

step four: personality. next comes the (often) fun part for the aspiring uber-bard: personality. i do not mean they are *somewhat* intelligent and have *sorta* personality--they've got it all. make them as perfect as you possibly can. uber-characters are usually phenomenally intelligent-- somewhere in the ballpark of genius level. especially uber-x. uber-g can be a little dimmer, but adorably so. adorable is the keyword here. you cannot have an uber-g that is a pain in the @$$. (and such a lovely @$$, too! oh yeah!) being a pain is uber-x's job. she is the stoic, cold, emotionally detached, frighteningly intelligent pitbull you do *not* want reviewing your taxes. she can have a sense of humor, but take care not to show it too often too early in the story, or you will tarnish her ice-queen image. the job of uber-g is to "break though" those walls of defense and...complete her, shall we say. uber-g is also rather chatty.

step five: plot. now that you have you characters as perfect as they can be, you can throw them into your story. now we're talking plot. i would suggest starting out with a nice is-she-gay-and-into-me-or-is-she-just-friendly storyline. believe me, this plot can carry the story for days. you may include subplots, such as saving the world or finding some priceless treasure, but the main drive of the story is the sexual tension you must take care to build up (this is also where the angst comes in).

step six: the big three - gratuitous detail, inner dialogues, and gratification. on to your writing style, what i would say distinguishes uber-fic from every other genre of fanfic out there. this can be separated into 3 points: gratuitous detail, inner dialogues, and gratification. don't know what to write? then write everything! and i mean everything. for example, let's take the task of preparing dinner. to write a good, typical uberfic, you must be concerned with the tiniest detail. do not write something like this:
       "she decided honey-glazed chicken would be best. after an hour and a half, and mouth-watering scents wafting tantalizingly from the kitchen, she called <significant other> down to dinner, with an anxious smile on her face."

oh no! this is much too concise for uber! instead, write:

       " 'what should i cook?' she asked herself. lamb? no, too complicated. spaghetti? i don't have any tomato sauce. pizza? that would be too simple. she furrowed her amazingly cute eyebrows deep in thought and suddenly brightened. 'I know!' she thought triumphantly. honey-glazed chicken." continue to explain, in as much detail as humanly possible, the exact process of creating such a delectable dish. include positive references to the character's unsurpassed ability and expertise in said activity. i would say natural-born talent, at the very least. while she is cooking, have her analyze herself, her feelings toward the significant other, in what direction their relationship is going, (is there a relationship?), is it too fast, how does significant other compare with past lovers, etc. have her talk her *own* ear off. such a task can take pages upon pages before the poor SO gets a chance to eat. in uber, the more pages you eat up the better your story will be. a typical uber is at least 3x as long as a normal paperback.

also, make sure that once the significant other finally does get a chance to partake in the feast, she is surprised with sig one's culinary abilities (or whatever abilities sig one displays). have sig other voice such surprise, and also...this is important...have sig one blush--charmingly--at the compliment. this also opens up the possibility of sig two further complimenting sig one's attractiveness, causing more blood to rush to her charmingly attractive face. and so on. you get the idea.

step seven: super-powers. if you have trouble coming up with special abilities for your uber characters, you may wish to choose any/all of these:

-character has an excellent singing voice
-character can speak 8 different languages, fluently, including deciphering ancient greek texts
-character is able to carry on comfortably with both board directors and kids from the 'hood
-character was once a gold/silver/bronze medallist in some sport
-character won nobel prize for <insert life-changing discovery>
-character is a celebrity
-character has excellent artistic abilities
-character gets along exceedingly well with children
-character is stinking rich. (bonus points for a rags-to-riches story)
-character is a breathtaking dancer
-character is a master at <insert one/many martial arts style(s)>karate
-character is proficient in computers (perhaps both hardware and software)
-character is great with her hands (this excludes bedroom prowess, which is already a given)
-character has a green thumb
-character has an unbelievable metabolism (bonus: have other character think, "where does she put it all?")
-character is a skilled horse-woman
-character is a modern-day annie oakley
-character is a double-agent/cia/fbi/military. think la femme nikita.
-character is a champion sailor
-character is a culinary witch (metaphorically speaking)
-character has an infallible taste in music/clothes/etc
-character was once/still is the leading expert of <insert topic>
-character has innumerable hidden talents, all of which are natural or learned as a child growing up in a hostile environment (bonus points if you are able to convince the reader that said character is definitely *not* skilled in said area beforehand)
-character can read the minds of animals
-character rules the world (or is, at the very least, bloody powerful)

remember, your ubers are already remarkably intelligent, insightful, witty, great in the sack, and attractive enough to turn the heads of both men *and* women. as the writer, you must supply them with "extra ammo."

in terms of character flaws, there are only a few that are acceptable (and i mean very few):

-uber-g is short
-uber-x is dense
-uber-x/g has a temper
-uber-x/g haven't gotten laid in a while
-uber-x/g has a physical disability (but this is either overcome, or it was because character engaged in some herculean, noble act)
-uber-x/g is a slut (but still *quite* the tiger under the sheets)
-uber-x/g has a painful past
-uber-g is "too nice for her own good"
-uber-x is a bitch (but this is only because she is what they call a "go-getter." plus remember, uber-x hasn't gotten laid in a while)

one more thing to remember when writing your uberfic is that no other character take any of the shine away from the main characters. you do not care about such characters in 3 dimensions, do not develop the characters in anyway to suggest they have an interesting backstory of their own. their existence is only out of necessity because they forward the plot in terms of your uber-x and g. (bonus points if you can tell your story without having your characters interact with anyone in the outside world.)

step eight: the finishing touch. now that you have your characters, story plot, writing style, uber do's and don'ts, you may choose to add the finishing touch. yes, the icing on the cake...the song lyric. to be really effective, the song must be within the story, not as a chapter heading, prologue, epilogue, or something like that. bonus points if you get one of the ubers (usually uber x, because she typically has the singing voice) to sing it herself. she may be embarrassed to sing it, but hey! that's part of her charm! no, you may not simply allude to, or include merely segments of the song. you must type the entire song, beginning to end. if the refrain is repeated...well, that's what cut and paste is for. (note, this is a completely optional, yet *very* effective technique for your uber masterpiece)

so, that's pretty much it. easy, huh? if you follow these rules you should have a shining example of typical uber-xena fanfiction, and while you probably won't get published, at least you've purged yourself of your hottest erotic fantasy somewhere in there. so, good luck, break a leg, but whatever you do, don't forget to put in a lot of sappy moments and love scenes. and make sure you stick with the big three: gratuitous detail, inner dialogues, and lots and lots of gratification!

this howto was created for entertainment purposes only. don't go and start getting all miss cleo on me. it wouldn't be satire if someone weren't offended. however, if you were, go eat some chocolate. you'll feel better. trust me.

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