DISCLAIMER 1: I don't own the characters from the movie (or the musical play) Grease. Paramount owns the movie rights. Jim Jacobs and Warren Casey wrote the original music, lyrics, and book for the musical. I'm just going to borrow the characters and a snippet from the movie.
DISCLAIMER 2:I don't own the characters from the television series, Xena: Warrior Princess. As far as I know, MCA Television / Renaissance Pictures / Studios USA Television / Universal TV or some such companies own the rights to the series. I'm just borrowing characters from both to twist together in my own wicked imagination.
ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author.
Copyright © 1998 by JS Stephens. All Rights Reserved
[Opening teaser: a beach scene. Dandy and Gabby are shown running on the sand, dodging waves, building a sand castle, then finally standing facing each other, a beautiful sunset behind them.]
Gabby: Oh, Dandy, this has been the best summer of my little ol' life, but my daddy's been called back to Texas.
Dandy: Don't worry, Gabby, this isn't the ending, it's just the beginning!
Dandy: Really! I promise!
[Dandy and Gabby kiss fervently, falling on the beach while we cut to main title sequence]
Falsetto male voice: [singing]
"I've got my problems and I've seen the light, I've got a hugging thang, it's gonna be alright..." [speaking] What the hell does this mean?
Director: Just finish the song, we're already running behind.
Falsetto male voice: [singing]
"Greasy's the word the word the word and so on and so forth..."
[exterior shot: the front of Slydell High School. Dufus, Sonny & Bob are running around, acting like, well, like high school boys. They spy Nicky and rush up to him, pounding him and generally acting like, well, you get the picture, like high school boys.]
Sonny: Nicky! Where ya been this summer?
Nicky: I was luggin' boxes at Computer City, savin' up for a new modem.
Bob: Um, Nicky, wrong decade.
Dufus: I saw you at the discount store!
Nicky: [pausing to light cigarette] Oh, yeah. I was luggin' boxes at Discount City, which is more than you bozos did.
Bob: I mowed lawns all summer!
[Others roll their eyes.] Dufus: [pointing] Hey, there's Dandy!
All Dunderheads: [shouting and running to Dandy, jumping on him like a pack of wild dogs] Dandy! What didja do this summer?
Dandy: [looking away from the mirror, putting away combs, hairdressing, mouthwash, etc. in wall niche] I kinda hung out at the beach all summer. I met this cool chick, if ya know what I mean.
Sonny: Did she put out?
Dandy: [smirking] I wouldn't tell you guys! [glances around] but she was smokin'!
Nicky: [looking crestfallen] So that's why you never called me! [sniffs loudly]
[Cut to student parking lot, where Xeno is driving a purple convertible with Marsha and Jan bouncing in the back.]
Xeno: [pulls into parking spot, then somersaults through the air] AIYIYIYIYIYIYIYI! [lands on her feet, then reaches in for her purple jacket and stares at the other two] Come on ladies, let's go!
Marsha: [to Jan] Why does she have to do that?
Jan: [shrugging] I dunno, but since she went to visit her stepfather's cousin's aunt in South Carolina, she's always gotten out of the car that way.
Xeno: [giving them "the look"] Okay, warriors, I mean ladies, this is our senior year, and we're gonna rule the school! [slips on mirrored aviator sunglasses as they start walking toward the entrance]
[We cut to another sidewalk, where Fancy and Gabby are walking toward the entrance.]
Fancy: Oh, Gabby, you're gonna love Slydell High School. We party, have no visible means of support, lenient parents, only go to biology and gym classes, and carry books but never do homework!
Gabby: I suppose I'll like school here, Daddy was supposed to go back to Texas, but his company decided he'd better stay here.
Fancy: What does your daddy do for a living?
Gabby: [frowning] I don't really know. [Opens knapsack and pulls out a scroll, reads it, then rolls it pack up and slips it back in knapsack] The script doesn't say, but I think he's an archeologist.
Director: Wrong script!
Gabby: [to director] Sorry! [goes through same routine, pulls out a modern script] Oh! He's a marine biologist! [Sighs heavily] But Fancy, I just don't feel like I belong anywhere!
[School bell rings as Xeno, Marsha and Jan walk up.]
Fancy: [waving to the other three] Hey girls! [They see her and walk over.] Hey girls, this is my new friend Gabby. Gabby, these are my bestest friends, Xeno, Marsha and Jan.
Xeno:[obviously looking Gabby up and down] Hello little girl, where are you from?
Gabby: Houston, Texas. [looks at watch] Gosh, I'd better go register. [rushes to the building]
[Xeno and the others watch Gabby rush off, then Xeno struts to the building, not waiting to see if the others follow, but they do.]
[Fade to school office.]
[School office. Blanched is busy sorting schedules and eating squid.]
Principal McFlee: Blanched, where are this year's schedules?
Blanched: Um, I had my hands on them a few minutes ago!
Principal McFlee: [smirking] Well, then, they will be nice and slimy, won't they? [looks up and sees Gabby enter and puts on false smile] Good morning, dear, what may I do for you?
Gabby: I'm new here and need to register.
Principal McFlee: You just need to fill out a few forms, then Blanched will give you your schedule. [Pulls out a huge stack of forms] This shouldn't take you more than a few minutes. [leaves]
Gabby: [staring at the stack, then looks at Blanched] Do you have a pencil?
Blanched: [setting down squid leg, rummaging around, finally pulling a quill out of her hair] Will this do?
Gabby: Never mind, I'll find one of my own.
Mrs. Murdock: [walking up to counter, grabbing mail] Any idea how many days until Christmas?
Gabby: [absentmindedly as she fills out forms] Sixty-nine.
Mrs. Murdock: What?
Gabby: [blushing] I mean eighty-six.
[Mrs. Murdock groans, then leaves.]
[Cut to Principal McFlee's office, where Blanched is banging out a ditty on a xylophone.]
Principal McFlee: Thank you, Blanched. [clears throat] Good morning, boys and girls, and welcome to another glorious year at Slydell High School. This year, I am pleased to announce, we have been chosen to be a representative high school for The Nation's Bandstand. So, practice your dancing for the big event! Also, don't forget the bonfire this Friday night as we toast our boys to victory in football! If you can't be an athlete, be an athletic supporter. [pulls out glasses and rereads the announcement, then mutters under her breath] This message sponsored by Fruity Looms? Such blatant product placement! [sips from mug with "Maryland Club Coffee" blazed on the side.]
[Cut to outside eating area. Xeno, Marsha and Jan are already seated as Fancy and Gabby walk up with their trays.]
Jan: So, Xeno, did you get a look at Dandy this morning? He's looking mighty fine!
Xeno: [scoffing] That's prehistoric history, Jan.
Marsha: Well, you know that sometimes history repeats itself.
[Xeno pulls out a file and starts filing her nails.] Yeah, sure.
[Fancy and Gabby sit down.] Fancy: Hi girls! Oh, no, here comes Patty Smilesalot.
[Patty Smilesalot sits down beside Gabby, managing to shove Fancy off the bench] Oh, you must the be the new girl, Gabby Oleson! Sorry I didn't get to you earlier, but I've been so busy! I'm on the slate to be vice-president of the student council! Isn't it the most to say the least?
Xeno: [dryly] The very least.
Patty: [looks puzzled for a moment, then smiles at Gabby again, draping an arms around her] Ooo, let me see your schedule! You can come be a cheerleader! All you need is a good body and spirit! [squeezes a breast] Yup, you have a good body!
Gabby: [slams elbow into Patty's ribcage, watches her tumble back] Why would I want to be a cheerleader? [looks up to see Xeno smiling at her. Their eyes meet, then Xeno stops smiling.]
Patty: [getting up and plopping back on the bench] Why, to meet boys, of course!
Gabby: [shyly] But I've already met a boy.
Patty: Well, [pulls out script] but it says here that you are supposed to be overjoyed and promise to be a cheerleader.
Gabby: [grabs script, reads] So it does.
Xeno: So, you hauled your ass to the beach for some guy all summer?
Gabby: [dreamily] Yep, I sure did.
Fancy: [to Xeno as Gabby starts spraying mouth, preparing for song] Hey, you wanna let Gabby into the Purple Ladies?
Xeno: Naw, she's not passionate enough to be Purple.
[Quick cut to the Dunderheads, watching the football team from the stands, eating their lunches.]
Nicky: So, Dandy, what did you do this summer?
Sonny: He met a girl. [makes smooching noises.]
Nicky: [looking hurt] Is that true?
Dandy: Yes. She was kinda special. Well, I mean she was cool, sorta, well, maybe I'd better sing a song. [starts singing]
Summer loving, had me a blast!
[Quick cut to Gabby]
Summer loving, happened so fast!
[cuts back & forth as each sings]
Dandy: Summer loving, met me a girl, crazy for me!
Gabby: Summer loving, met me a boy, cute as can be!
Both: Summer fling, don't mean a thing, but oh them summer nights!
Dunderheads and Purple Ladies: Tell me more, tell me more!
Director: Hey, we're running behind, wind it up!
Dandy: I was just getting warmed up! Oh well, let's see, she got a cramp, we made out, under the dock, blah, blah, wonder where she is?
Gabby: Ran by me, got my suit damp, stayed out until ten o'clock, blah, blah, wonder where he is?
Xeno: True love and didn't lay a hand on you. Sounds dull. What was this dude's name?
Gabby: Dandy. Dandy Zucko.
Xeno: Well, well, well, perhaps you will meet him again. [to ladies] Come on, girls, let's get going! [Aside to audience] See, I told you she's not passionate enough to be Purple!
[Teenagers are running around a bonfire, holding typical signs for a football rally. Gabby and other cheerleaders run by, doing cartwheels and shaking their pom-poms, then get up on the bleachers with the coach, principal and football players.]
Gabby: [to Patty] Who is that blonde hunk over there?
Patty: Why, that's Jock, the football captain!
Gabby: [mouthing to Jock] Hi, I'm Gabby.
Jock: [mouthing back] Hi, I'm Jock. Date?
Gabby: [speaking] No, I had supper.
Jock: [speaking] No, I mean wanna go out?
Gabby: [blushing] Sure!
[Fancy runs up the bleachers, grabs Gabby by the hand and drags her off to where a bunch of hoodlum types are gathered.]
Fancy: Come on, Gabby!
Gabby: Where to?
[They stop and Xeno strolls out of the group.]
Xeno: Hello, Gabby, we have a surprise for you. [Stands aside as Dandy steps out.]
Dandy: Gabby, I can't believe it! I thought you had gone back to Texas!
Gabby: We were supposed to, but Daddy got to stay here.
Dandy: [suddenly aware of crowd surrounding them] Well, that's cool. Do you wanna make out or what?
Gabby: [stunned] Dandy? You didn't act like this over the summer! What happened to the Dandy I knew?
Dandy: [bouncing and strutting] I dunno, maybe I have a twin! Why don't you look him up on the Internet?
[Others loudly]: Wrong decade!
Dandy: Oh, yeah, sorry. Why don't you look me up in the phone book or that scroll you carry around?
Gabby: Dandy, I can't believe that you are treating me like this! [Runs off.]
Xeno: Fancy, go follow her! [Waits a beat, then slips Dandy money.] Great acting, Dandy.
[We cut to Fancy and Gabby. Gabby is thrashing a tree with a branch.]
Fancy: Listen, Gabby, what you need is a night with the girls! I'm having a sleepover at my house, wanna come?
Gabby: [dropping branch] Okay. [follows Fancy]
[Fade to bedroom with pictures of movie stars all over the walls. The Purple Ladies are on the bed, looking at Marsha's pictures of various men, arranged like a solitaire hand on the bed.]
Jan: Marsha, Marsha, Marsha! Can't you share?
Marsha: No, I'm hopelessly devoted to each and every one. You should see my postage bills!
Fancy: Hey, Gabby, wanna get your ears pierced?
Gabby: Um, not really.
Fancy: [holding needle] It's okay, I'm in beauty school. [aims for ear, misses and punches eyebrow] Oops!
[Gabby runs to the bathroom.]
Xeno: What a wimp! [singing] Look at me, I'm Sandra Dee, lousy with virginity!
[gagging sounds from bathroom]
Xeno: [singing to picture of Rock Hudson] Watch it, hey, I'm Boris Day
Director: [shouting] DORIS, not BORIS!
Xeno: oops, sorry. Where was I? Oh, yeah. [singing to picture of Ares] You've got your crust, I'm no object of lust, I'm just plain Sandra Dee!
Gabby: [coming back from bathroom] I heard that, Xeno, you're making fun of me!
Xeno: Naw, not really. [bounces off bed, runs to window and peers out, then turns back and announces] I'm splitting this joint! [leaps out of window] AIYIYIYIYIYI!
Nicky: [in car, looking awed] Oh, baby!
Xeno: [sauntering up to car, which has Nicky, Dandy, Sonny, Dufus and Bob in it] Hey, guys.
Guys: Hey Xeno.
Nicky: [looks at Dandy, then at Xeno. Dandy hops out of car and walks off.] Well? [others run after Dandy, shouting "wait for me!"] I guess it's just you and me, babe.
[cut to back yard, where Gabby is staring at a goldfish bowl]
Gabby: Oh, Dandy. [singing] My head is saying, forget him, my heart is saying, don't let go. [stops singing, stares closer at bowl as picture of Xeno, smiling, appears]
Stagehand:[sheepishly] Sorry, wrong picture. [switches Xeno's picture for Dandy's picture]
Gabby: [resuming singing] You know I'm just a fool who's willing, to sit around and wait for you, hopelessly devoted to you!
Jock: [bursting out from the bushes] I'm Jock the mighty, I'll save you!
Gabby: Why not? [takes his arm and walks off]
[cut to make out lot]
Nicky: Xeno, Xeno baby!
Xeno: [smooching, then pulling back] Ya got protection?
Nicky: [pulls out surgical glove] You betcha!
Xeno: [rolls eyes] Wrong kind, stupid.
Nicky: What was that, an earthquake?
Xeno: [looking out back window, sees Moonface and the Scorchers] Naw, it's Moonface, playing bumpercars with us.
Nicky: [standing up in back seat, hurling beer bottle at Moonface] Get out of here! I was just about to get lucky!
Moonface: [laughing] Yeah, sure. Hey, give you seventy-five dinars for the car and the girl!
Director: [exasperated] Seventy-five cents!
Moonface: Yeah, whatever. [guns engine, races off]
Nicky: So, Dandy, I mean Xeno, where were we?
[Xeno yanks him down] I have many skills, let me show you a few.
[Fade in on auto shop. The Dunderheads and Mrs. Murdock are gathered around Nicky's car, taping it back together.]
Nicky: So Xeno got -- oops, this is a PG-14 movie, not an NC-17.
Dandy: So, let's get this car together! It's gonna be hot!
Mrs Murdock: Yeah, as hot as the parts on it.
Dandy: [posing and singing] Go Greased Lighting, you're burning up the quarter mile! You know you are supreme, you know the chicks will cream, for Greased Lightning!
Censor: Did he just way what I thought he said?
Director: [looking innocent] What did you think he said?
Censor: Never mind, strike the rest of the song.
Dandy: Shit, that was my best song!
Censor: Can't say "shit" either.
Dandy: So sorry.
[The malt shop. Gabby and Jock are sitting at a table, she spies Dandy walking in. She zooms off to the jukebox, just as he drops in a coin.]
Gabby: Dandy, I'm surprised to see you here!
Dandy: Well, Gabby! Hey, what are you doing hanging around that jock?
Gabby: Trying to make you jealous. Is it working?
Dandy: [looking longingly at Gabby] Yes. Hey, wanna go out some time?
Gabby: If you can prove yourself, like, say, at track.
Dandy: [pulling out script] Gabby, I have a whole funny scene where I'm trying various sports with funny results.
Gabby: I know, but the director cut it out. Sorry.
Dandy: Dang. Hey, wanna go to the dance?
Gabby: [looks up to see Jock getting up and tripping over his shoelace.] Oh, I guess so. Jock doesn't seem to be that well coordinated.
[Fade to the high school gym, all decorated for the big dance. Cameras are rolling around, the band is playing and our heroes start arriving in couples.]
Xeno: [to Moonface, who is kissing her neck] So Nicky kept borrowing money from me and never paid it back. He cares more about that stupid car than about me.
Moonface: [stopping the kissing, stares at Xeno] Car? What car?
Xeno: That car that he and the guys are renovating. It's pretty slick now, they stole, er, acquired a race engine.
[Cut to Nicky and ChaChaCha sucking face in the corner.]
Nicky: Oh, ChaChaCha, you are divine!
ChaChaCha: Let's dance!
[Cut to Dandy and Gabby, who are dancing up a storm.]
Gabby: Dandy, I'm having such a swell time!
Dandy: I know. It's because I'm such a cool dancer.
[Cut back to Xeno and Moonface. Nicky and ChaChaCha have spotted them. Nicky and Moonface start fighting.]
Moonface: Hey, that's my girlfriend!
Nicky: No, she's mine!
Xeno: I'm outta here. [Starts to door.]
[Cut to Dandy and Gabby. ChaChaCha shoves Gabby out of the way, Dandy starts dancing up a storm with ChaChaCha.]
Gabby: [to Fancy] Who's that?
Fancy: Oh, that's ChaChaCha Delirious, Dandy's ex-girlfriend.
Gabby: [racing over to Dandy and ChaChaCha] Fancy says she's your ex-girlfriend!
Dandy: Uh, she was, but you're mine now. Oops, gotta dance for The Nation's Bandstand prize. You don't mind, ChaChaCha is a much better dancer. [Starts dirty dancing with ChaChaCha.]
[Cut to bandstand, where Coach Macaroon and Principal McFlee are standing.]
Principal McFlee: Okay, girls and boys, there are three rules. No. 1, all couples must be boy/girl. No. 2, If you are tapped on the shoulder, then leave the floor immediately.
Coach Macaroon: No. 3, no lewd movements.
[Cut to Dandy and ChaChaCha]
Dandy: So how are we supposed to win the dance?
[They start tangoing as the rest of the students dance wildly.]
[Cut to parking lot, where Gabby is walking along. She bumps into Jock and Xeno, who are half clothed.] Oops, sorry!
Jock: Uh, Xeno, it broke.
Xeno: Damn! I should have brought my own protection. [Starts dressing.] See ya around. [Finishes dressing, runs after Gabby.] Hey, girl, what happened?
Gabby: [sobbing, turns and grabs Xeno around the waist, hugging her hard.] Dandy deserted me for ChaChaCha.
Xeno: [awkwardly patting Gabby's back.] Well, he's just a dancing fool, he don't mean anything by it.
Gabby: [sighing, burrowing face between Xeno's breasts] Xeno, I must have him back!
Gabby: Because, um, er, it's in the script! [reluctantly pulls out of Xeno's embrace] Why are you being so nice to me?
Xeno: [shrugging] I have no idea. [looks deeply into Gabby's eyes] Sometimes I feel like I've known you for thousands of years...
[Fancy and Bob come running out of the gym]
Bob: They won! Dandy and ChaChaCha won the contest!
[Xeno and Gabby look at each other longingly for a moment, then turn to the other two.]
Gabby: So what?
Fancy: And he's planning to race at Stormy Street!
Gabby: I thought Nicky was racing.
Bob: No, Nicky just passed out. He drank too much of the punch that Sonny spiked.
Fancy: The punch had a punch!
Fancy: Come on, Gabby, let's go.
[Stormy Street, an abandoned airstrip. The Dunderbirds and the Purple Ladies are gathered around Greased Lightning. Nicky is still snoring in the back seat. Sonny, Bob and Dufus pull him out onto the grass. Meanwhile, the Scorchers are hanging around Moonface, making out with their girlfriends.]
Moonface: [yelling] Hey Zucko, I'm racing you for pinks!
Dandy: [puzzled] Pinks?
Moonface: Yeah, registration papers!
Dandy: [to Dunderheads] What does our school schedule have to do with this?
Marsha: Dandy, he means ownership papers for the car.
Dandy: Oops, guess I'd better win or Nicky will be mad at me for losing his car.
[We see Gabby climbing the abandoned air tower. Fancy sees her and runs over and climbs up after her.]
Fancy: Hey, whatcha doing here?
Gabby: Oh, I finished my homework and was bored.
Fancy: Sure, Gabby. Oh, there they go!
[Dandy and Moonface race down the runway. They try to run each other off the asphalt, then Dandy sees a plane coming at them. He bounces over the grass to the other runway as the plane lands on top of Moonface's car, then bounces back to the first runway and screeches to a halt at the end of the runway. Cut to Fancy and Gabby watching members of the Dunderheads and the Purple Ladies congratulating him.]
Gabby: Oh, Fancy, I'll never get Dandy back unless I change.
Fancy: Well, honey, come home with me and I'll change you.
Gabby: No, I mean my clothes and makeup.
Fancy: Oh, sorry.
[The drive-in. Teenagers are running around from car to car, gossiping. Marsha and Xeno are walking along.]
Marsha: Xeno, you look terrible.
Xeno: I feel like a defective typewriter.
Xeno: I skipped a period, stupid!
Marsha: Oh, no, you're pregnant!
Xeno: Well, don't broadcast it to everyone!
Marsha: [crossing chest with fingers] I'll take it to the grave! [starts walking, Sonny gets in the way] Hey, watch it, lady with a baby!
[Sonny stares at Xeno, then runs off.]
Xeno: Thanks Marsha.
[Sonny quickly tells two people, who tell two people, and so on and so on...]
Nicky: [strutting up to Xeno] Hey, heard you're knocked up. I'll give you money for the abortion.
Director: No, no mention of abortion! It's illegal in this era.
Nicky: Sorry. Xeno, I'll take care of you, I don't turn away from my mistakes.
Xeno: [huffily] Don't worry, Nicky, it ain't yours.
Nicky: [relieved] Whew! Who's is it, then?
Xeno: [mysteriously] What you don't know won't hurt you. [to rest of the teenagers, who are eavesdropping] Hey, get back to your movie! [heads whip around, suddenly riveted by the monster movie on the screen] That's better. Hey, Marsha, I'm splitting!
Marsha: Well, okay...
[The end of school carnival. Everyone is running around, tossing pies at teachers, at each other, riding rides, etc. Dandy walks up to the rest of the Dunderheads, wearing a track sweater, black t-shirt, and black jeans.]
Sonny: Wow, where did you steal that sweater?
Dandy: I didn't steal it. I lettered in track between fights with Gabby. She thinks sports are important, so I got my letter in track to impress her.
Dufus: Pretty impressive.
[Suddenly, all heads drop as Gabby arrives in black leather pants, black halter, big teased hair and chiseled abs. Dandy's tongue drops out as he stares at her.]
Dandy: Gabby! What happened to you?
Gabby: I changed, you big stud muffin, you!
Dandy: Yes! [pumps fist in air once, then yanks off his sweater and tosses it away. Nicky catches it and strokes it longingly.]
Gabby: What are you gonna do about it, big boy?
Dandy: [singing] I got chills, they're multiplying, and I'm losing control!
[Suddenly, Xeno appears, somersaulting through the air, landing between the two. She is wearing a demure cotton sundress.]
Xeno: Gabby, I suddenly realized that I wanted you, not Nicky!
Gabby: [Bewildered] You mean you changed just for me?
Xeno: [happily] Yes, darling!
Gabby: But I like women who wear leather!
Xeno: [strips off dress, wearing black leather shorts and halter top underneath] That better, baby?
Gabby: [running hands down Xeno's legs, singing] You're the want that I want, the one that I want, oo oo oo BABY!
Xeno: [singing] I better shape up, 'cause you need a woman, who can keep you satisfied!
Gabby: If you're filled with affection, you're too shy to convey,
Xeno: Meditate my direction, feel your way [pulls Gabby up, plants a long kiss on her]
Nicky: [strips off jacket and jeans to reveal a bikini] Oh, Dandy!
Dandy:[swivels head, sees Nicky, grins wolfishly] We go together, Nicky!
[They meet and start to kiss passionately.]
Gabby: But Xeno, I thought you were pregnant!
Xeno: False alarm, baby. [They embrace and kiss again.]
[Suddenly, a very handsome man in white leather descends from the heavens on a Harley. When it touches down, he rides over to Xeno and Gabby.]
Teen Angel: [sexily] Hi, I'm the Teen Angel, and I've got your ride.
Gabby: Xeno! Look, it's the teen angel!
Xeno: [frowning] He looks like how my mother's brother-in-law's great-aunt's best friend describes Ares, god of war.
Teen Angel: Hey, I get a bum rap sometimes. You know that hate and love are intertwined!
Director: Save it for Xena!
Director: Never mind, keep going!
[Xeno and Gabby mount the Harley and ride off into the skies as we hear swelling instrumental music.]
Chorus: Love, is a many splendored thing! Hum, hum, hum, shruh, we don't remember the rest of the words!
[We see Xeno and Gabby grinning as they wave back to the others, then Xeno guns the Harley higher in the sky.]
[Fade out to credits]
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