The characters are mine as are all the punctuation marks, although my trusty word pro tries its best sometimes I think it feels its losing the battle. So the muse of creativity I bow down to in homage, however the muse of spelling and punctuation can just plain bite me!


According to the law of whatever country you are reading this from I must now warn you that this piece contains sexual overtones.

Actually they are bigger then over tones they are talked about freely.

Although I will not be graphic I will be explicit.

And you want to know what else?

ß--Looks around…Whispers.

They are between two consenting women too….

So if you find it offence or are under age I'm afraid you can't read it.

There is also mild usage of swear words, forgive me I have an Irish mother.

This is for all my friends and you know who you are, thank you for helping me out of my darkness.


The End.

I had just been well and truly kicked in the stomach; well not literally, there wasn't a fist or boot involved. But no matter the actually weapon used, my senses and body were sure feeling the pain.

I was trying to breathe, but I could feel the air caught in my lungs by some unseen force, I wasn't dying, but right then I wish I had.

Ok I don't think its fair to start my story here, I should go back a little, to show why right at this moment I'm trying to stop myself from bending over and just slipping to the ground curled into a ball wanting to die.

That is if you want to know?

Of course you do, we are all curious, its born into us from our first step to our last and the one big unanswered at the question of our life is the final curiosity.

Sorry where was I?

Oh yes lets go back to this morning, Sunday 5th July 2004.

My day had started pain free, just another Sunday in a small town that offered nothing of any entertainment, just endless hours of beauty and tranquillity. Bah! You any ideas how annoying that can be to someone on there own in life?

I'd gotten out of bed with a grumble, welcoming the coffee as it slipped into my stomach flaming outwards as the hit of caffeine made me feel almost human again by the third cup.

It was July so although the British weather was sunny the wind was still cold, checking the weather for the day I wasn't at all surprised to find ''Intermittent showers'' on the menu.

So I spent the morning indoors going stir crazy with scowling glances to the blue sky that should at any moment be turning to dark grey, which after three hours hadn't....By the forth I was convinced weather men were paid to lie just so they could get all the best places on the beach first and sit their laughing.

So convinced I went to get changed to go out, now I'm not a vain person but I do like to look good when I do, its not that I want people to stop and stare or men to walk into lampposts or fall over themselves.

Although that has happened on occasions much to my own amusement.

Its because I like to feel good about myself, I'm not saying I'm drop dead gorgeous, but god has seen fit to give me a few attributes.

A good bone gene, good hair gene, good eye gene and a good looking butt in a tight jean.

Um where was I, sorry.

Ok, men... Well that is the problem, I don't find them attractive, and my body is way ahead of me on that one, nope. Nada… no way.

What you have to do is add a ''Wo'' to that as in. ''WOMAN''

Like you haven't worked that out for yourself.

Back to the morning, like I said I'm not vain but I like to look good, so that morning I'd chosen some tight fitting shorts and sleeveless top, those I like because they show off muscles in my legs and arms.

Ok what was that I said about being vain? Better scratch that.

Anyway, Sundays are boring to me, I prefer to work its that simple, when I work I'm totally caught up in the job that I do.

Time doesn't exist and a ten-hour shift just notches another day off the calendar of my life. But Sundays, there's nothing, every minute ticks by as if the whole damn world is slowed.

I've tried staying in bed and sleeping but god even a body will protest at 14 hours of sleep, I hate it, my body hated it, my mind hated it.

Visiting parents was ok for the first few Sundays but after that it got to the point they were getting sick of me intruding in their own Sunday ritual of things they do.

My apartment now is so decorated that it could be show home; at least that had kept me occupied for nearly 8 Sundays in a row.

The garden out the back is almost Eden; all it needs is the damn snake to finish it, again that used up another 8.

Ten hour shifts and no life meant at least money was never a problem so for a while I indulged in buying anything I wanted to keep me occupied.

With that done I'm left with boring Sundays so I'd taken to walking. Ramblings it's called here in England, not quite sure how it started but one day I walked.

I know, I know it doesn't sound like a great accomplishment, hey I've been doing it since I was two myself.

But I will tell you now its different, there isn't actually a purpose to it, you pick a route and off you go.

I've been doing it now for nearly 5 months; well I don't mean non-stop, geesh. Just every Sunday, I found my way of working I suppose.

On a good day I can walk roundtrip 30 miles or so that's with stops, found myself sketching too although my pencil drawers resemble Ashleigh age 6 rather then rembrant.

I guess I found my own place of peace inside I could handle the world.

Only problem with walking is thinking, your mind will not stay mindless when all its got to concentrate on is one foot in front of the other and not stepping in cow crap.

Thinking was not high on my list of things to do I can tell you, well that's not strictly true. At first I would go through catalogues in my head, recite films I'd watched, books read anything to shut up the memory part of my brain that was just screaming to get out.


Well it got out eventually, couldn't really fight it anymore anyway.

By the end of the action reply of memories, love, pain, betrayal, loss I hadn't even noticed I had stopped and was sobbing like a 2 year old who'd lost there first teddy.

I suppose you want to know what they were. Can't say id blame you, I'd be curious too and hell reading this might help your own boring Sunday pass quickly. But most of all it will explain why I'm standing here at the start of my story holding my stomach and trying to take the metaphorically dagger out of my heart. Guess this is where the real story starts, wow I just thought its two years ago, maybe time doesn't go as slowly as I thought.

The beginning…

May 9th 2002

The first time I laid eyes on her, I was covered in oil at the factory I work, the machine I was mending had decided that my Monday clean overall just looked to clean, and spat at me.

So I was using all those nice friendly Irish words my mother had taught me to show the machine how much I thought of it.

Something made me stop, still not sure to this day what it was, nearest thing I can tell to explain is someone blew air into my heart, it fluttered and pulled.

So I turned around wondering what the frell had just happened, that's when I saw her.

She was around 30ish, 5 4'' mousy blonde hair and the deepest green eyes I have ever seen in my life.

She wasn't wearing anything sexy, a nice blue top and black skirt, but lets just say god had given her a few good attributes of her own that I was admiring.

I could tell she was laughing at me having just witnessed the rebellion of the machines.

You know I couldn't move hell I was even having problems remembering what lungs were for.

She had simply walked across the factory floor, stopped in front of me, took out a very clean handkerchief and wiped the oil from around my eyes.

Her smile pulled tiny lines into the corner of her mouth.

A mouth that had a perfect bow shaped lips, lips that were slightly parted and full, which tapered off into the thin lines at each edge.

I watched the tip of her tongue peek out and gently trace over her bottom teeth and then the said teeth bit her bottom lip, I knew full well she was trying not to laugh at me again.

I didn't care well I did… Hey I have an ego I have to protect.

But the point was all I wanted to do right then was suck that tongue into my own mouth and let it play with my teeth, she could even chew my lip if she wanted too.

Her voice pulled my eyes away.

''You've got a dirty face.''

And a dirty mind...Was right up there as an answer as it flashed in my head, but I had enough of my wits to keep my mouth shut, mom would have been proud.

I had never had a reaction like this before, sure watching a woman danced turn me on, sure I'd be ready when it came down to the various wild nights I had had. But never had a woman's appearance and presence turned my legs to whole limbs filled with nothing but Jell-O.

Her voice sent shivers down my spine, and it wasn't even low and husky.

It was a factory for god sake you had to yell to be heard by the person next to you.

All I can say that the only saving grace was that the machine who had helped make my face look like al jolson was switched off and the area around was now about as silent as you could get.

''Are you hurt?'' The laughter had gone from her eyes and she was looking at me very curiously as to my silence.

Now then my mother and other friends will verify in writing if need be that I can talk. Have actually commented in fact on many occasions that ''boyyyyyyyy can I talk.''

Again nothing new, being doing that since about three.

So it totally surprised me when I opened my mouth to reply, I'd actually forgotten the English language and something came out similar to Swahili.

I immediately clapped my mouth shut, so I did the only thing left to me and nodded, hoping to god my head didn't just decide to fall off...

Hey at that point it wouldn't have surprised me if he did.

She looked at me, starred right at me. Her head tilting as if she was trying to make up her mind about something.

I noticed them drop to my mouth level, then back up to meet my eyes.

''Ok then glad your ok...''

She pushed her hair back from her face and shot me another dazzling smile before turning and leaving.

In all honesty I would love to say that I saw her look back with curiosity written all over her face at me, (which I know only cos a friend told.)

See I can't be honest about that cos right when she had done that, my eyes were firmly fixed on her departing direair.

Not the most romantic of meetings, no falling into each other arms no gallant saving of the damsel in distress either.

That moment outdid, Romeo and Juliet's first hand kissing thingy, outdid Lancelot leading down and pulling good ole Gwen into the saddle, even revelled tramp pushing his last meatball to lady.

That simple moment of her offering her clean hanky to wipe away my dirty face touched me… all of me.

For the rest of that day I was lost in it, mostly I was slapping myself on the back of the head wondering what brain damage you could get from oil fumes, that could be the only explanation for my actions.

I thought about her all day, and when I left all night.

By the third day it was annoying me, know one knew who she was, no one had seen her around the factory before that day.

It's a small town yet no one I knew, knew her.

It became a mission, I sent my spy's out, well spies aren't quite the right word, although when on a mission my friends could revel the FBI in their methods, but even they came back heads hanging in shame…No one knew.

Well to say no one knew is an exaggeration, there are some people you just don't talk too about that sort of thing, you know like bosses and parents. Which if I had would have cut out a whole week of agony on my part and sleepless nights.

I'll explain that one so you will understand, our boss called all the mechanics of the factory into his office the following Monday and there seated next to him was the illusive woman.

Easy as that!

And yes I am typing this part with embarrassment, that at the time it hadn't occurred to me to just go and ask my boss...

Oh like your perfect.

Anyway there she was just the same but more beautiful. Her smile when I started in through the door knocked me hard. I lost my footing then I had to immediately apologies and argue with Brian that I hadn't intended his coffee to spill there on purpose, no matter if I was a dyke and hated that area on all men.

Again when I finally sat and looked over at her she was laughing at me.

Hmmm, that was beginning to annoy me.

I think she must have seen my frown cos she just mouthed the words at me.


Then she crossed her legs, revealing a nice shot of thigh, and flashed me an even nicer smile then before, at which point I was wondering who I was and why I was now in the boss's office.

Ok… ok I think I should try and save myself here a little, I'm not EASY, and I am not your typical fall for anyone kinda gal, if anything I avoided situations that I couldn't control and I mean control.

I did the hiring and firing in my love life.

Anything outside of those guidelines I didn't go near with a four-foot barge pole, but she did something.

I did think at the time I was going to check the hanky she used on my face for signs of voodoo but I knew it wasn't voodoo, I didn't know what the hell it was, but I knew it wasn't that....

The boss then identified the illusive woman of my lust; sorry meant to say thoughts.

''Carais Wilson, she's here from London to teach us hicks how to use the new machines coming next month, she'll be here for about two months and will be teaching each of you all the blueprints of the machine.''

We clapped; we do that in the country it makes us feel we have excitement in ours lives.

I watched her stand and nervously nod to us all.

''Thank you, and first off I don't think of you as hicks...''

That earned her a few chuckles as I said we do anything for excitement.

I could see how nervous she was; her left hand kept pulling the edging of her white blouse down as she talked.

''So as it's our first day why don't you tell me your names?''

Her eyes levelled to the left of me moving round, I noted she wrote down each name as they were reeled off.

Then green eyes locked on me, questioning...

If I'd known there was going to be a test I would have studied.

I swallowed.

Shit ... shit... shit... name... name... what's my damn name... Chris... Up? Shit.. no...Left…Down, yes downing.

''Chris Downing...''

I amazed my self that my voice was even and calm.

She smiled again and her eyes dropped to the pad she wrote on, then she moved on.

I closed my eyes and thanked god.

That's how it had gone for two weeks, the team would go to the office every Monday for two hours to train with Carais.

She was good at what she did too; even earned the respect of the cavemen I worked with. She was funny but knew when to be serious, her teaching method was clear and precise, it didn't seem to faze her at all when she had to go over something ten times when someone didn't understand.

Her patience amazed me.

I was always a quick learner and to me blueprints were like mother's milk.

I think I impressed her a little, not to blow my own trumpet, but when she realised I did know my job well she began to include me when she wanted answers quickly.

Guess I became the teachers pet, much to the annoyance of the courting cavemen.

We never talked alone, never had the chance after each session I would return to work and by the time lunch came she would be gone.

In the training she separated herself in time amongst the five of us, so nope no communication other then work.

It wasn't like I could just pull her to me and tell her I wanted to see her again, for one the troglodytes would have fainted, for two I still didn't trust my limbs around that woman.

Those Mondays made the rest of the week worthwhile, in the morning's I'd be a mess of apprehension.

The white overall? Or the blue overall? Became a common scene in my bathroom at six am.

I'd always choose the blue, the white made my butt look big, that set it became normality.

On Mondays I'd watch her, making sure the cavemen or she never caught me.

I noticed small things, when she felt threatened or uncomfortable she would make a joke and the shade of her eyes would darken, when she genuinely liked someone the eyes would lighten to an almost spring green shade of grass.

When she was tired her hands would always rest on a desk or a chair while she stood, as if that small contact would give her strength in someway.

When she wrote on the easel strip, her writing would flow in whirls into a perfect penmanship that would have made Shakespeare envious.

She also had this really cute way of putting a smiley in her dots when she made notes too.

See I had it bad.

So bad that it was effecting not only me but also my surroundings, I noticed trees, colours, the field's I'd grown up around suddenly became tapestries of beauty.

You know there were eight rainbows in that first month she was here, that should either tell you that the place I live in sure has a lot of rain, or that love was in the air, I'll let you make your own choice.

I had it bad, yes I know I said that before, the reason I'm saying it again is to try and show you how incredible it is for me to even type it let alone say it.

She hadn't given me any sign that she felt the same way.

Hell she hadn't even shown me she thought of me in anyway outside of the office at all. But I didn't care she made my little peace of the world glow for a time and that was enough for me.

Rumours are a main part of the diet of a country person, add that to an environment where 12% of its population worked in the same place just spells rumours out in capitals and boy were they rife.

The local single cavemen and a few married ones locked their radar onto her within the first week, wanting to net themselves an outside DNA source in their gene pool.

I would sit in the canteen eating my excellent sirloin steak dinner cunningly disguised as meatballs and listen to the words spoken around, mostly I'd ignore, but as soon as the words.

''Ya know that blonde bit of stuff with the great arse in training...''

My ears would perk.

I found out through the local grapevine, information provided by the apes that run it.

Carais was staying in a cottage at our local bay.

My eves dropping found out that Peter from packing had taken her to a movie and hadn't even copped a feel. That Stuart from iron pressings had taken her all the way to the big restaurant spent thirty quid and hadn't even gotten a song.

So all in all the troglodytes came to the same conclusion, she was a lesbian.

Things were looking up.

Parts of me were grinning at the new info, yet part of me knew what men were like, they would always come to that conclusion when cheap cologne a few jokes and a show of a chest hair didn't have the women falling all over them. I had come to know this woman and to be honest I didn't blame her that she didn't want to cop a feel with our local heroes, some of them still thought manly musk was sexy.

Half my female friends had even moved away because of the remaining choice of stallions around.

Don't get me wrong I know a lot of guys here and 98 percent of them are really nice and friendly and would help you out in a moment

But something seems to happen to them when they get together on a Friday night with the lads for drinks, its primeval I suppose.

Yes I could see why someone like Cara would avoid them.

Also you got to remember she's a London gal, she must have thought our sophistication was way below par, hell I even despaired, some men around here thought sophistication meant you could fart out the theme tune to Cagney and Lacey....

Mostly through the rumours I found out she really didn't do a lot except come to the factory go to the beach and hang out around the bay.

Now I know you're asking me right about now why I didn't I just take my good gene butt down there and pretend to bump into her.

Simple, it scared the crap out of me, when I thought I was ready I'd bottle out, I worked shifts which meant half the time I was totally shattered, or the way the shift fell meant it would either be day or night.

I finally worked up the courage on a Sunday, yep the boring day.

Weather forecast was good, so that didn't help my excuses of rain, I got myself ready and after four hours of yes no… yes no, I found myself at the bay just walking around.

I used to like the bay, civilisation hadn't quite found it so it was natural beauty coastline of England, wild and unkempt, waves crash on cliffs, gull fly and squeal, wind blows, but without that 1930 orchestral backing.

Natural is the best word, beautiful and free.

However the local council in their wisdom decided just cos they could they would asphalt a road down to it which only gave access to sellers and kiosks of various food chains, it spoilt it and brought a small peace of the outside world to the haven.

Yea and that's what they named the resort too, Haven.

I cringe every time I see that damn sign with the laughing child riding a dolphin, excuse me the only child you will see riding a porpoise around here is one if you go and get a unfriendly tuna tin and sit a screaming brat onto it....

It just didn't fit, but what did the council care it brought holiday makers in to the bay and trade into the town, after five years the bay had simple lost its innocent.

I very rarely came here now my place was a little up the coast where it was still unkempt, but today I was here for another reason, so I only a few times muttered a nice couple of friendly Irish words to the holiday makers that pissed me off.

I was about to give up, two hours of walking around had taken me five times around the little resort and I still hadn't seen her.

I made to leave, then I felt that pull of air on my heart again, I remember turning, feeling the salt air on my face whisping my hair into a dance, my eyes searching

There she was, just coming up from the beach, one arm full of a towel the other a camera and bag, she was looking at her feet as she tried to step over our very pebbled beach without breaking an ankle,

I swallowed my gum.

I wondered what god was making fun of me, planning things to see how I would handle them…

She was wearing a black bikini, well a piece of thread with cloth attached actually. Right then I decided that was my two favourite things in the whole world, black and a thread.

The small pieces covered the good bits, but only just.

This woman was not afraid to show her body, and why the hell should she be. It was toned, defined, if I had to liken her to a car I'd say a Porsche, and Soooo fine.

I could see two small raisin ridges where I knew her nipples were.

I lowered my eyes sighing as I thanked the god of breezes for casting up the one that swirled her sarong skirt open just enough so that I caught just the faint outline to prove she really was a natural blonde,

Hey I told u I had a dirty mind… geesh like you wouldn't have looked.

Reaching the top rebalancing her stuff, pulling her sunglasses off her head back onto her eyes, it was then she saw me.

At first she wasn't sure, the small smile grew on her face as she confirmed, I answered it with a slightly crooked one of my own, even added a soppy wave

She expertly weaved her way through the crowd.

''Hey wasn't sure it was you Chris.''

''Well I'm easy to miss all 6ft foot of me.''

She was generous enough to laugh at that, which did help ease the fist in my overly stressed tum tum.

'' Yes I have noticed you tower over most of the locals, good genes?''

I looked down at my black Levi's, looking up confused then realising she meant the other genes I wanted to die and preyed that the first ever earthquake would hit the south west coast and provide the perfect hole for me to fall into.

Again she was laughing at me; I was beginning to think I should charge her for the comedy act I always seemed to provide for her.

I did what a woman in that position should do; I blushed, right down to my black Levi's`.

I think she took pity on me, standing their hands dug into pockets and shuffling uncomfortably.

'' I could use a drink, how about you?''

Now I'd love to say I came back with a witty come back something along the lines of,

'' I'm no longer thirsty around you, you quench my soul,''


'' No matter how dry this land is you are the sea surrounding my heart,''

Nope I said, wait for it... Drum roll.


Somehow this woman made me feel a teenager again, I decided it was my brains fault and somehow all the adult responses were lost during a fall off a bike three years ago and I'd only now noticed.

We walked to the nearest coffee bar, and sat, she was chatting away about how beautiful it was here and how much she loved her stay.

There was other stuff but at this time just after the waitress took the orders I was mentally inside my head kicking its arse to unlock the vocabulary file and input more then,'' k… ok… yea....''

''How long have you lived here Chris? Will you stay here?''

It was time to talk, I knew I could do it, my brain knew it could do it.

What it was having trouble dealing with it was the communication between brain and mouth, somehow when I looked at her; the brain would send the message, '' yea I love it here too, great place to live, how about u?''

It would travel to the vocal cords. My mouth would form the words, then my eyes would look down as a drip of coffee traced a river across her chest down to hide in amongst twin mounds, and the travelling message would take a left then a right end up in my shorts and come out.

As. ''K''

I rolled my eyes and groaned.

It showed no mercy every constantant and verb other then' k' was lost, god knows where they went.

I finally began to notice she was running out of things to say and that horrible moment arrived that meant the silence was uncomfortable, so I did the only think I could think of to stop it happening.

I kicked my own arse mentally and stared down into the coffee cup, gritting my teeth inhaling deeply, I avoided looking at her as I talked.

'' I've really enjoyed the training, You're very good as a teacher, is that what you always wanted to be?''

I did it, Yeaaaa

When she didn't answer I took a glance up; she was sat back in the chair almost flabbergasted.

This wasn't the effect I was looking for, but I kinda like the way she stumbled for her words to answer.

''Good god that's the longest sentence I've ever heard from you...''

Then she laughed.

I felt my new found sense of power falter, she was making fun of me again, my eyes shifted back to the cup my head bowed.

I felt her hand go to my shoulder

''Hey I'm sorry I only meant it as a joke, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings.''

I wouldn't have cared if she were holding up my arm she had just severed.

Saying ''so sorry, think I chopped your arm off''

I was lost in the green eye looking over her glasses at me with so much apology in them I had a hitch in a breath, and the feel of her hand on my shoulder just sent all those messages and arse kicking right back into...


This time she smiled again at me.

''Now don't going back into that… I like your voice… first time I've really heard it.''

Something hit me, yep a rock about size of a house, right smack bang on my head; she liked my voice...

''OH K.... Sorry I mean, yes. I'm not normally… sorry, no... So quiet.''

Well I didn't say they were going to come out in order.

I could tell she was smirking at me, but now I could see the look that was in her eyes for the first time, she was playing with me, well the bitch....

She knew she was doing this too me and what was more she was enjoying it.

The ego part of me hitched me jeans up and rubbed their hand together, yea baby lets play...

'' Well…'' I paused making sure to meet her eyes.

'' I can't get enough of your voice, it reminds me of standing at the seas edge, rumbles right through my body like thunder...''

My ego gave itself a high five as I saw her snort her coffee back into the cup, while the small voice inside said ''Hide.''

She looked up, coughing coffee, grabbing her napkin soaking up the liquid running over her body; she looked down then up, her eyes wide in disbelief.

I waited not saying anything, biting my inside cheek, wondering if I'd gone way to far.

Then she looked at me her head tilting at me, a motion I knew now from weeks of watching her meant she was trying to figure something out.

''Really?'' She asked shyly.

I slowly nodded. '' Really''

Then she looked at me and said. ''K''

I blinked, had she just said what I thought she said. Yep, I knew I was grinning from ear to ear.

That was it, her k was the capital letter of the key to unlocking my tongue and brain and message centre.

'' Have you taught mechanics long?''

Original, start with the basics I always say.

For three hours we sat there talking, we avoided anything that would result in going right back to ''K's''

I discovered her sense of humour was almost as dirty as mine, her family lived in London, two brothers, the usually yada yada about life history, schools, collage, work, hobbies.

Finally with our bladder floating with coffee and stomachs so full of acid both of us had to beg pardons as small burps intruded, we had to part.

But I didn't want too, taking what courage was left in the depths of my scared shitless brain I chanced a question.

'' Look… I haven't eaten all day would you like to come over to the sea restaurant or somewhere else round here?''

She paused for no more then a heartbeat standing, lifting her bag.

'' Yes I'd love too, I have to go and change can I meet you here? No wait come with me… the cottage is only five minutes away.''

I gulped and inwardly moaned I knew what was about to happen


I hung my head in shame, sometimes you think you've achieved something then life kicks you in the arse

Chuckling she just pushed me ahead of her

''Oh come on...''

I knew I was grinning, part of me was terrified of where I was going, of what I was doing.

She was right the walk was no more then five minutes I noticed she had to shuffle to keep up with my long strides so I easily fell into a slower pace.

I knew the cottages she was living in, they were the old timber ones that had been here since the eighteen century when our little port had been a hive of activity for the robe trade.

Funny isn't it I'd lived here all of my 37 years and not once set foot in something that was part of my heritage.

It was exactly how I expected it, low beams, too low beams; first step in the place and whack...stars.

I ducked my head scowling at it, wondering if all eighteen-century workers had been pigmies. Who would have guessed.

'' You ok'' she was immediately beside me as I rubbed my head

'' Its ok it's thick enough to take it''

She laughed

''Well be careful I'll loose my deposit if you damage anything….'' grinning wiggled her hips away.

''Funnnnny woman''

This time I ducked down a little in between beams till I knew it was safer. The cottage was actually very pretty, wood panels and ye oldie furniture.

''I'll just take a shower ok, help yourself to a drink..'' With that she disappeared upstairs.

My bladder then disclosed if I drank another coffee it was disowning me, so I just sat.

I could hear the shower start which didn't help my bladder, so I thought taking my mind off of it with some snooping seemed the best option.

There wasn't much of Cara's stuff around, I could see her workbag on the cabinet, with a glance to make sure the coast was clear, I opened it up.

Her notebook was on the top and quickly scanned over it moving over the names till I found mine.

She had scribbled down some good things about me; I was quick to learn, fast with answers, had a full comprehension of the new machine and its complete repair and break down, my chest puffed,

Hey I know I said I was good, but it's nice to see other people know it too.

The last part made me inhale, in the margin by my name was a small doodle of me! Well not all of me it was a small margin, it was my face and she had caught it perfectly, it was like looking at a tracing and one word was next to it, interesting...

What the hell did that mean? What was interesting? Me? My profile? The margin?

Hmmm, I continued down through the bag finding nothing, I looked around for the next target, glancing upstairs to make sure it was still clear.

I found nothing, and then my eyes fell on a picture by the chair.

You know I actually felt my heart fall, as if it was on this tiny little ledge all day holding on to the time I had spent with her with some hope.

It was a photo of her kissing a man!

Not a chaste kiss you see, that I could knock down in flames with,

''Oh is that your brother?''

This kiss was a full-blown kiss of love, with laughing eyes.

That wasn't what knocked my heart on its arse, the main beacon shining right out of the picture was the ring on a wedding finger,

How had I not noticed that on her hand, I usual checked.

I blinked, hearing the shower finish I placed the photo back, turning quickly to return to the chair and walked right into that waiting beam… Whack!

''Son of a...''

''You ok?''

''Just peachy...''

When I sat down nursing my head I felt totally miserable.

While I heard her moving around upstairs getting ready, I was trying to figure out one reason why I shouldn't just call upstairs and walk right out the door.

I was hurt now by the fact she was married and all sense of question and fantasy were being thrown into the turmoil of reality.

I knew I wasn't the kind to date a married woman, hell I didn't even know she was gay or not, my world was tumbling very quickly around me.

When she came down the stairs and just stood there looking at me.

I felt my heart climb gently back onto the ledge, holding on with all its might.

It wasn't the dress of red that clung to her that made it hope.

It wasn't the way her blonde hair was now pulled into a bun with wisps falling down onto a slim sculptured neck.

It wasn't even the way she was standing there like some damn model ready for the photo shoot.

Nope none of those made my heart dig in and refuse to be moved.

It was the look in her eyes the question there, which moved to her lips and asked.

''Do you like?''

Mentally I saw my protection running around holding the picture up and yell.

''Helllllllooooooooooooo M. A. R.R.I.E.D… Don't go there… Helllooooo''

I was very thank full when my heart punched the little shit out of my vision and I could go back to the goddess before me.

''Yes I like...very much''

My voice was low and hoarse.

Her nervousness vanished; replaced by a smile that would have dimmed any sun as she glided towards me...she took my hand and led me to the door. Simply saying. ''Good''

The place was the restaurant on the pier, good food not overly priced and an atmosphere of history around. It should have the inn is over 100 years old.

Thinking back we said very little over the meal, mostly it were our eyes that did all the communication.

She had caught me looking at her with half hidden looks through the whole meal, I knew she must have seen the lust there and all I could do about it was look away and concentrate on not spilling the food down my chin.

Then I caught her doing it, eyeing me up and down, green orbs pausing at my cleavage as I breathed, fully aware that the top I was wearing pulled tightest there.

I closed my eyes to the look I saw just willing my nipples to stop trying and put their heads up for attention.

I heard a sharp hushed inhale, knowing damn well that my nipples had just thrown me the finger and done what they wanted too.

Where was that earthquake when you need one.

Nothing was said, no flip remark nothing, we continued to eat our meal, moving to desert. When she offered me a spoon filled with ice cream and strawberries I almost refused.

But that little ego popped up and took over.

I lent forward, keeping my eyes levelled with hers, snaking my tongue out to lick the end, saw her hand tremble, so as always the helpful soul, I covered it with my own to help steady it.

Then I lent in again, moving my tongue to the ice cream. Slowly taking it on its tip then snaked it back into my mouth.

I watched her breathing hitch, her eyes no longer on mine but firmly fixed on my mouth, I watched the small vein pump its little heart out at her neck.

This time I took the spoon fully into my mouth, closing my lips around it then drew back, moaning as I slowly bit into the strawberry when I licked my lips free of the juice, she licked her own.

My hand was still on hers, then her eyes lifted to mine again, the forest orbs were dark like a jungle after the rains, and tempests of emotion whirled there.

Suddenly I was aware of our surrounding self-consciously I dropped my hand, but noted the sigh from her at the loss of contact.

I can't really say what was going on with her, all I did know was she was responding to me, I knew the signs, the lust there in her eyes, the want.

I'd seen it before I wasn't stupid.

What confused me was why? I don't mean why the passion, the why of what did she want from me,

Was I a game to her?

Was she still playing?

Maybe I'm a flirt vacation.

I wanted to ask about the picture, I'd checked her hand and there wasn't any ring now, but I saw the telltale signs of the non-sun tanned white band to know one had been there recently.

I didn't want to ask, in fact I didn't want to know, my body was way past the point of lust it was into to serious need, I ached for her, my centre throbbed for her, I knew how wet I was just by shifting in the chair....

I wanted her touch, I wanted to see her arch and tense by my hands, I wanted this woman, so much so that I could almost taste her.

All the time I had been thinking she must have been watching me, because when I opened my eyes and looked at her she was smiling.

She had to be blind to not see the way my body was responding, I was flushed, I had a film of sweat on my skin.

When my eyes met hers again my breathing was ragged, I watched her tilt her head again as she thought, and then she smiled.

''I've had a great time Chris. But its getting late I know you have an early shift in the morning..''

I held back the disappointed knowing this was good night, I'd red it all wrong the whole thing, she was just being friendly... my heart fell again with this time with a loud crack.

I made myself rise with her; an argument followed over the bill but I got there first and that put an end to that, we stepped back into the night.

Sea air filtered around us and a welcoming cool breeze rose up to dampen my heated skin I kept my head lowered as I walked her back to the cottage. Not wanting her to see the hurt there in blue eyes, hurt that was spreading through me like a flood of agony.

Then I got anger, with her, with myself, who was she to play with someone like that. It pushed the pitiful part of me down and away to a place it could just scream.

I stiffened as we walked, I felt her hand on my back she must have noticed, but this time it didn't burn with need, this time it just plain burnt.

Because that was exactly how I felt, I had just been well and truly burnt by a straight woman.

Something all lesbians vow when they find out they are gay will not happen. You see a rule sheet should be given at the birth of our freedom on the road to gaydom, it clearer should state things like.

1. I will not get burnt by a straight woman.

2. I will never clash my summer colours.

3. I will always wear water proof mascara.

4. I will not ever bletch after a beer and put my hand down my undies and watch TV.

5. I will never look out a car window and yell ''cor nice arse love.''

6. G.I Jane is just movie not a hair choice.

7. One day Angelina Jolie will be my love slave.

8. Chocolate is not a substitute for sex, it is an accompaniment.

9. Boxer shorts do not make you a butch; it's the hardware that does.

10 Liking Eeyore doesn't make you soft, he is after all just another ass to admire.

There were rules and I know I had broken a few of the above, but this one, (Unfortunately as yet not number 7)

Hell this one just wasn't done.

This one was more important then the first one in the bible...

What made me angrier was the fact I hadn't misread the signs at all.

I knew I hadn't, she flirted. She pushed, she drew me out, and she used the power she could see she held over me. She knew she aroused me yet she still went on with it, the more I walked the more the anger raised up in me.

It didn't care that I was being irrational and I was turning all my sexual frustration in on itself.

Umm word of warning here, that isn't actually a very good thing to do, cos something has to blow.

Just think of a bottle of pop, all day you been carrying it around in your bag, pushing it, shaking it, and banging it.

Then you sit down to drink it and whoooooooooosh, your now one of the coke cola wearing clan.

Well that was I, I'd been pushed, caressed, teased, and taunted, and my lid was about to pop off.

''Chris you ok you're quiet...''

When I finally looked up we had reached her door, i refused to look at her.

''Yea Carais I'm fine.''

I felt her scowl at me and she did that tilting of her head thing again, which now annoyed me instead of being cute.

''You don't look ok? What's wrong? I thought we were having a good time?''

I looked sharply up at her, and saw her take a hesitant step back.

''Sure I'm glad you enjoyed yourself, glad I could entertain.''

She blinked at me; I could see the wonderment and question in her eyes.

''Didn't you, I mean didn't you have a good time?''

My heart wanted to look up but I felt the anger stomp on its head.

''Sure..'' I shrugged.

She looked at me for a long time, then I think I saw some realisation enter her eyes, she looked around a little panicked, then she did something I didn't expect her to do.

She stepped forward, her palm going to the back of my neck and pulled my head down to her level, then she kissed me....

My body was stunned; it didn't for the first time know what to do

My arm's hung at my sides, I was only bending from the neck, and the rest of me was ridged.

All I felt was her warm lips on mine, her tongue tracing their rim, moving inside touching my tongue, which just held there also frozen.

I wasn't surprised she suddenly dropped her hand and stepped back a gasp of pain escaping her lips, her eyes rimmed with tears as she turned to the door.

''I'm sorry... I thought..''

Her hands fumbled with the keys


Oh I was just still standing there, shocked to my very soul, the kiss was amazing it flamed me, it consumed me it burnt, my mouth was still tingling from its touch.

When she dropped the keys and I heard her stifling her tears back, I reawakened it slapped me in the face, I had just done to her what I thought she'd been doing to me all day.

I finally found my feet and moved forward, stopping only when my body was pressed into her back

'Carais please don't go, let me explain... I just. I mean I just thought you were playing with me and the kiss god the kiss it…''

She turned quickly her eyes tearful but flaming.

''Playing? God you thought this was game...''

It was her turn to be angry and lord god I believe I actually backed up from the look on her face...I would not like to cross this woman...

''No...Yes... god I don't know.. .''

I ran my hand through my hair frustrated as hell; I was lost, yet found.

The kiss had lost me yet at the same time for the first time I knew where I belonged, but I knew for damn sure right about now I was doing my bestest job of screwing that up.

'' What did you think, I found out you were gay and I thought, hell lets see how much fun I can have pushing her buttons. For fuck sake is that what this is, just go ok, GO….''

She was trying to control her voice, I could hear the tears there and the anger all trying to get out, what was it I was saying about pop bottles....

I did the only thing I could think off as she raged in front of me; I ducked under her flailing arms.

With both hands grabbed her face, stepping back until I felt her back hit the door hard enough to jar us and then I kissed her...

She fought it for only a moment then I felt her hands go into my hair pulling my head closer, I'm telling you right now I couldn't have gotten any closer if I wanted to I was virtually inside her mouth now.

She twisted my hair, our mouths searching, hard, exhales of moans lost into open caves of passion and we just simply ravaged each other lips.

Tongues danced, pushing, probing.

Her hands moved to my back needing each muscle there then down to my butt, clenching them in well-muscled hands until I moaned into her mouth.

I caressed her face as my mouth battled with hers; heads turning to get a different feel.

Moved my hand to her breast; my mouth instantly latching onto her neck as she pulled her head back arching into a moan as I squeezed a nipple into my palm. I felt the peak hard and wanting, I pushed harder against it feasting on her neck, loving every glorious sound that was coming from her.

She pulled her face away, the stronger one of us remembering where we were. Placing her hand on my heaving chests pushing me gently back.

I put one hand on the door above her head, to steady myself, leaning over her, inhaling her scent as I tried to get air into my lungs.


Through her own inhales she ''Shh'' me placing a tiny kiss on my lips.

'' What do you want Chris? Do you think I'm still playing a game?''

Her voice was hoarse and filled with desire but at the same time I caught the apprehension.

'' No.'' I shook my head. '' I don't think your playing.''

She traced my face with her finger.

''And what do you want?''

I lent into her touch.

'' I want you Carais…God I want you.''

Her face flushed at hearing my words, I'd put ever bit of desire into the last part, wanting her to know just how much I wanted her.

She turned unlocking the door, taking my hand down from it as it opened then slowly she drew me inside, I remembered to duck this time.

She led me through the downstairs then upstairs, into her bedroom

Closing the door with a loud echoing ''Click'', stepping towards me.

Her eyes darkened as she walked towards me.

''Say it again…''

I smiled. '' I want you Cara's.''

She closed her eyes and I watched her body shiver, when she opened them again she nearly knocked me on my arse I swear to god I saw flames there.

She moved slowly, pulling down first the left shoulder of her dress, kicking off her shoes

The smart Alex part of me was about to comment on the fact she had shrunk about 2 inches by stepping out of them, but thankfully my lust knocked it on the head and put it in the locked box, kept for such occasions.

Next she drew the right shoulder down, then in a smooth whoosh of fabric had stepped out of it.

I swallowed trying to regain some liquid in the upper part of my body knowing full well where the other 75 percent of the fluid in my blood stream had headed as she stood there in all her magnificent glory.

She was so beautiful and the choice of underwear just highlighted that fact. Her breasts were pulled fully together into a perfect peach shape in the dark burgundy silk bra, I could see her dark hardened nipples through it, pushing and straining to be free, I looked up watching her eyes as she reached behind to undo it.

My eyes lowered immediately, the skin there wasn't tanned, it was the pure white of snow, and that just heightened the darken orbs which now faced me.

Next too slowly for my liking she tucked to thumbs into the red briefs and lent forward slowly lowering her underwear, my eyes followed the swaying breasts as she dipped and stood.

Then she walked the last eight steps towards me…

Now its import to me for you to get the exact way she did that.

She stalked, well stalked was there but not all of it, her hips swayed.

Oh hell if you've ever had a fantasy where a woman was walking at you like Carais was right then towards me.

With lust in her eyes, with want in them, with lips ready, and desire radiating off her like an aura, well let me tell you that fantasy wouldn't have even come close...

You know what I did, me the conqueror of woman, me who could get anyone I wanted in bars with just a look

Wanna know?

I fell right down on my good ole gene butt!

I swear to god if she had laughed right then I would have cried instead she took it as an invitation and got down and all fours and slowly crawled up my body.

I was beyond swallowing, hell I was beyond breathing all I wanted was her, I pulled her too me into a kiss that made the one at the door seem like a peck on the check, I felt her hands pushing my t shirt up.


I was way ahead of her, it was pulled up and off, thrown god knows where. When her mouth closed over my nipple I could have cum right there and then if it wasn't for the fact I wanted this to last longer. I pulled her back up for a kiss, using the time to slow my internal furnace down to simmer, I didn't want this to be a fast fuck like all the others I want to feel this one, to know this was special.

Her hands undid my bra and that was gone, next she was tugging at my jean button, hearing her growl when it didn't come away at once, then my butt was in the air and my jeans were lowered. Then she left me as a boot was removed then a second, then the jeans were gone, the boxers next.

I heard her inhale and a lust filled moan escape.

Yes you got it folks I'd just given her the biggest freebie flash in history...

She didn't give me time to be embarrassed she was on me in a second pinning me to the floor with her whole body covering mine.

I had so many feeling going on; that I only just separated out each part of her that touched me. Her breasts with nipples rock and hard pressed against my own, her stomach rippling rubbed against my own trembling one, I inhaled deeply moaning as I felt her lower hairs leaving a tickle trail as she rubbed her mound against mine.

Then there in the middle of the most amazing kiss in history I froze looking into her eyes trying to breath as I felt the first touch of her want for me.

Warm, wet flowing…


I closed my eyes and moaned; only opening them as I grabbed her. Smiling at the surprise as I suddenly flipped us over, I widened her legs placing my thigh high against her, felt her nails dig into back and scratch downward as she shuddered with the contact on her need.

Slowly her hips started moving against me, I felt the trail she was leaving on my own heated thigh muscle and it was driving me insane.

My mouth covered her moans as I pressed harder against her my hand already on its own course of making love to her breasts.

I fed like a hungry person on her neck, feeling her hips shifting up a gear as she pressed harder against me, rocking both of us into a building crescendo of rhythm, moans became groans, grunts became primeval chants.

I kissed her again feeling her mouth almost devouring me, and then she opened her legs wider her eyes looking at me in question

She didn't have to say it my body was with her.

I moved my hand lower slowly teasing her, moving my fingers through the drenched hairs; hearing her whimper slightly and her grip around me tighten into a vice.

I watched her every movement, every arch, every ripple, as my one finger discovered her, traced her, memorised her.

Feeling the ridged hard bud that made her leap in my grip, slowly lower I teased, until she bit me hard on the shoulder.

I growled deeply, then I pushed two fingers in fast and hard to the place that just seemed to be moulded for her. I felt myself flood as she pulled my fingers in, her whole body rising up into an arch, her body was strung so tightly that she looked like a bow ready to fire.

Each time she pulled back from me I would pull her down.

It was fast, furious, a tangle of limbs, twisting, rubbing, grinding.

Heartbeats rose into the 100's, breathes came hard and ragged, all the time the music of our sound was mixed into the beat of sex.

I felt her start to shudder, I moved another finger into her, my thumb now rubbing her at the same time I pulled out and in, a rhythm that I followed to her needs,

I could feel my own wetness flooding again, her sounds were driving me crazy, her wetness was driving me mad. Then she opened her eyes and locked her gaze on me, her eyes widening as she shuddered.

I felt the tremors like an earthquake through my whole body, felt her inner muscle ripple and purge, jerk and jolt then she pulled me to her so that I was trapped on her mouth, and she cam...

What am I talking about… we cam both us, right there and then, it was the most wonderful high peaked feeling I ever had.

It picked me up in the funnel of the twister and threw me around and around until my head was giddy and I saw stars.

I felt her wetness flow over my hand, I felt her every cry right down to my soul and heart, she shuddered, and she bucked.

And then she gave me the most wonderful gift in my whole life, tilting back her head she grabbed my hair pulling back hard so that my eyes locked on to hers and then she screamed.


My name screamed, my name spoken unlike any way I have every heard before, my name bonded with passion, with need.

You know what this big bad lover did then?

I cried, I felt the tears as I felt my body meld into her, I felt my heart hang out the 'not for sale sign' as it gave itself right to her.

I felt my soul spread outwards and glow with her light inside me.

Spreading to the point it broke that dam that held all the emotion inside and it burst like a flood.

After her shudders had ebbed to tremors and her own stars had vanished she must have noticed. She moved quickly grabbing me to her, holding me so close it didn't help, I cried again, I couldn't stop, she hushed me and rocked me and pulled a blanket from the bed onto us.

''Oh baby don't cry hush Shh.''

I knew I must have been scaring her to death but I couldn't talk.

I don't know how long she held me like that but I finally hiccuped a breath and turned to look up at her, my head resting on her breast.

''I've.... I've never...''

I saw she understood and I was thankful the pull on my heart was just to strong to talk she pulled me to her and I saw the same tears shining in her eyes. Then I heard a faint whisper against my ear

''Neither have I....'''

I know this story started with me on my knees, can you remember that far back?

Well this was the start of my fall, but at the same time it was the beginnings of my first real heart beat. That night I was born again with Carais love making. I felt, I breathed I wanted, but most of all I Chris Downing needed.

Our lovemaking hadn't ended there, put I'm not going to give you a rerun some memories are private ya know.

Needless to say when she drew me to her and kissed my tears away and gently moved us to the bed, she touched me in ways I had never been touched before, I'm not talking about physically I'm talking love, pure love.

She took me higher then I'd ever been before, she watched me fly, she guided my body in passion to a dance that enraptured my very soul so that it sang.

We slept together also that first night wrapped up in a twisted form of limbs, not knowing where one began or ended.

At training the next day I couldn't hide the silly grin on my face as I watched her, but she was very professional no one in the room knew at all what we had shared the night before.

But I caught the looks she would give me, I saw the dancing in her eyes, I didn't care that I couldn't go to the factory floor and yell it...

I was in love and god I was in so much trouble...

We met when we could, enjoying our bodies to the fullest.

I changed shifts so that I mostly worked days, which gave us each night free. We would eat together, laugh together, and watch television, hugs cuddles the full works.

When we went out we had to be careful; this was a small town remember. Now they knew I was gay, hell half of them knew that before I did.

But the fact it was known didn't mean it was excepted, remember the rumour mill? Well although that mill could laugh to help get over a bad day at work or help you narrow down a crook, that rumour mill could lose you your job and make your parents and families life hell.

We kept well away from it and didn't give it any fodder to feed on, we met in private, we kept our secret, no one would know.

I cant say that I liked it very much I found it hard to keep my hands off the damn woman who would tease me in public any chance she got.

But we would make up for it when we were alone,

I can safely say with my hand on my heart that it was the happiest 6 weeks of my life.

You remember I started this saying how slow time could be? But back then 6 Sundays seemed to fly, there seemed to be never enough time.

We tried to fit everything in together, we went far a field to the larger towns where we could hold hands, but ever watchful of faces I knew.

As I said I didn't like it much, I wanted to just grab her and spin her around yelling to the world how much I loved this woman.

Which kinda brings me to the love issue, neither of us had actually said it, not even in the height of passion, but I wanted too.

I noticed when I had come back the following night after our first time that the picture had gone from the cabinet. Part of me still wanted to ask the question but I didn't, I didn't want to break the spell that surrounded us and I knew that if I did I would...

Part of me was scared about asking her but the bigger part of me found courage in just what we had.

Time passed, the training was drawing to a close and we both knew it, our last night together would be the one before the final training day, she would have to leave right after session.

I thought that was gods way of torturing me, to spend one last night so close our breaths would be one, to the final hours where we would be in a room with 5 cavemen and a round up of the training.

To not touch her to not feel her and to have my heart breaking knowing in less then two hours she would be gone.

I tried to get her to talk about the future but she would just capture me in a kiss and show me what her heart felt, she couldn't voice it you see she couldn't handle it in words.

I think she thought if we didn't talk about it it didn't exist.

She never brought up the picture until our last night, I can safely say that girl sure has timing.

I was looking forward to just melding into her that night, in the hope she wouldn't notice when she left and got back to London that I was hiding under her skin.

I knew when I arrived she had been thinking, her bottom lip was all red and raised from being chewed, her hands were a mass of movement as they wrung together nervously, and her eyes were brimmed and red from crying.

She sat me down, then sat in the chair opposite not even touching me, my hands went to her hands, that's when I noticed it… the ring was back.

Someone hit me I'm sure of it, they just walked right up and punched me in the face.

Her head was low not meeting my eyes then she inhaled, straightening her self up.

''We need to talk...''

Now if you have ever ever heard those words during a relationship or tryst or anything that matters to you I don't have to explain what I felt right then.

And if you haven't… well lucky you.

The nearest I can come to a brief explanation is, imagine age six you have the biggest ice cream cone in the whole world and just as you lick it and get the wonderful first taste, the cone splits and it lands in a puddle....

Not even close to what it feels like folks, not even close.

I sat there numbed; yet feeling my heart get its first tiny cut, one that bled to every pore...

I knew what was coming, the picture showed me that, the ring on her finger like a shield in front of her showed me, but mostly her voice showed me, and her eyes.

They were her weapons of choice for the butchery ahead.

Her eyes weren't daggers exactly but they hid all the love and passion I had grown to expect there, her voice was emotionless to a point, it broke as she spoke to me but then it would go into one I hadn't heard before, one I didn't know.

So I sat there like a child waiting to be told again that Father Christmas wasn't real, to tell me love was a word, that the sugar fairy was a myth.

All of it I knew yes I knew what was coming, yet I wasn't ready when she said it.

''I'm married....''

That unseen figure ran in again and hit me, this time it got a few gut punches in to. I drew in my breath threw clenched teeth, willing my eyes not to let the water out that was a dam back there.

You see part of me still held on to some hope, that she was going to tell me he was dead, or divorced, that it wasn't working out, anything at all to stop what I really knew was coming next.

She looked at me, starred at me even and for a moment I saw the echoing of my own agony in her eyes then she blinked it clear and looked down.

''5 years now, we have a place right outside London... we... we're happy Chris, when I'm with him I'm happy... I love him.''

There was that unseen figure again, this time it ran in with a sledge hammer to make sure he crushed the hope.


My mouth had asked the question all on its own, the rest of me was whimpering away to try and stop the beating my heart was taking trying to save some part of me.

She looked up and I saw her blanch and grab her own heart, I knew she must have seen the agony and pain written all over my body right then.

Her eyes softened for a moment and I saw the tears brimming as she looked into my screaming soul, then the corner of her eyes caught the picture, when she blinked my Carais was gone.

''Yes Chris happy, what happened here... was.... It was something… I never... … ever intended. I'm going back to him tomorrow, I'm sorry, this has been so special but it, you aren't… what I want... I am so sorry.''

Her voice had fallen to a whisper at the end.

There was that figure again this time he came back with friends and together they kicked my heart to a pulp.

I couldn't talk, I couldn't think, I couldn't breath, I felt the world spin I felt a fist reach in and grab my throat, I know I made a sound, something like a whimper escaped my lips.

''But I love you...''

God that must have sounded childish now I think back, but it was all I had left, she made a low hurt animal noise as she rose and turned her back to me.

''I'm sorry… god I'm sorry I never mean this.... ''

She turned back grabbing at me holding me trying to apologise with her hug.

Then she said the one thing that would drive the last dagger into my heart.

''You'll find someone that deserves your love Chris, I'm not the one. They'll love you like you should be… You'll find someone.''

I don't know what really happened next, all I remember is yelling, no screaming, actually the sound that came out wasn't human it was love lost it was the first puppy died kind of cry, it was everything that a broken heart would make, I wailed and then I ran.

I ran until the pain in my lungs matched the pain in the remains of my heart.

I fell, I stumbled in the darkness, I never felt the wire that ripped my cheek to the bone.

I had no idea what direction I went, all I know that when I staggered to a stop I found myself at the cliffs top

The wind and the rain lashing me the storm around forming into displays of lighting strikes across the sky.

I fell to my knees and drew back head, my arms high in the air and I screamed. With loss, with rage, with need, with want, I screamed until I was hoarse I begged the lighting to hit me dared it, cursed every god I knew to strike me down in anger.

Well all I got was wet.

I moved to the edge of the cliff looking down at the rocks, feeling the beginnings of despair slowly creep over me, felt the coldness from my body as it moved throughout, chilling even the rain that touched my skin.

It would have been so easy to take that small step and fall into the abyss that was already pulling at my soul, so damn easy.

I don't know how long I stood there, but I remember the storm passing above my head, I remember the sky-changing colour to the texture of morning.

I stood there shivering, alone and dead inside.

I didn't see the point of stepping off the cliff, that would only bring pain to my family, no I left the edge and decided from then on I would be the walking dead.

Well I can safely say that was the lost part of my memory and remember way back when I said I was out walking I fell to my knees and cried like I lost my teddy, yep that was the one that did it.

I didn't go into work the next day in fact I called in and asked for some time off, I took the two weeks and did nothing but rot away in my room.

Friends tried to find out what was wrong and they kept on till at least they got the gist of it, they stayed with me good friend's always do.

For weeks I was a robot, I got up I went to work I came home I slept, slowly my heart over time mended enough so that I had some sort of life, I kept to myself, my bar pick up days were gone, I threw myself into work.

I worked shift after shift, for over six months I kept myself out of life, I turned inwardly letting things repair to a point I didn't cry anymore, I didn't hurt quite as much.

But my soul was gone; my heart was now a functioning muscle that bumped blood again. The only souvenir of that night was a scar on my cheek and a flash of pure white at the temple that seemed to scar my ebony hair.

I heard much later that Carais hadn't turned up for the last day and had just gone back to London, there never was a note or anything, I guess she said what she wanted too and left that night.

I became what I started this story with, the rambler, and the loner.

I had a life of sorts around me that I stayed alive in, and in someway enjoyed. No one got close to me anymore and in a way I was happy with that.

When the first anniversary of me meeting her came I spiralled for a while but I moved on from it.

I laughed with friends I danced, I moved, I breathed, but if you had looked into my eyes you would have seen the truth, I was dead.

When the two-year anniversary came it still hurt and I withdrew from the world again and for a while I really did think about ending it all, but some part of me didn't have the courage to die and leave my family behind.

No one knew and no one saw I'm a very good actor when I need to be.

I became set in my ways, I had things I did, and time tables to do them too.

That's why I think I wasn't ready when I saw her again.

I'd walked into the factory ready to start my shift and there she was, I froze.

Everything came back to be, that unseen figure ran in with a blowtorch and burned me alive.

Only the yell from the forklift driver pulled me out of it in time, I turned seeing it then stepped out the way.

The yell had caught her attention; hell it had caught everyone's attention

When she saw me I saw her smile, yes can you believe it she smiled, I could have slugged her.

Saw her eyes go to the long streak of white that now laced through my ebony hair, look down to the white scar on my cheek.

I saw her ask a question about them to me with her eyes.

I think at that moment something inside her slugged me for her, when she realised she already really knew the question her self.

When green eyes looked deeply into mine she finally saw the truth.

I wasn't alive anymore... there was nothing to look into.

The 'not for sale sign' on my heart now just read 'condemned.'

She actually staggered and cried out, my boss grabbed her to stop her from falling but she fobbed him off regaining her self control, when she looked over to me I saw the pain in her eyes.

It was like time hadn't happened, two years were but a breath in the inhales of life. She hadn't changed if anything she was more beautiful, time had been kind to her, but I saw the lines on her face now, I saw the slight changes to her body, she looked tired, no wait she looked exhausted.

She pulled her eyes away from me and she moved forwards. Her jaw line set and tense, each foot step a trial for her I could see it, her eyes bore in to me daring me to move, pleading with me to stay.

Yet my heart wouldn't even open enough to let that much information in.

So I did the best thing I could do to save what was left of my disgusting pitiful life, the one thing that never failed me, my one true constant I ran....

I ran and ran through the factory through the streets getting looks from people I didn't even know, concerned ones from those I did.

I got home I locked the door I took the phone off the hook I pulled the curtains and I crawled onto my bed and once again I died.

All of me what was left just faded away I became the person that was there the night after the cliff, I didn't think I didn't feel.

But down deep somewhere I didn't know still existed I heard a tiny cry of pleaseeeeeeeeee.

I ignored it and gave way to sleep...

When I got up the next morning I saw the letter on my door mat, I knew her writing. It starred at me like a hissing snake daring me to pick it up and get bitten, I ignored it left it there got dressed and walked over it opening the door slamming it shut, leaving it there

Then ten minutes later I went back opened the door grabbed it stuffed it in my pocket and left.

I'd called in earlier to the factory they took my explanation of freaking at the forklift and were ok with me taking a few days off.

I didn't know what to do I didn't want to see her again I couldn't deal with it, so I walked for miles, I ended up at the cliff I had started from all those years before and I sat

Finally that good ole part of the human body called curiosity rose its head.

I took the letter from my pocket and just looked at it, for how long I don't know, then I tore it open, I could smell her perfume on it and it just added oil to the pain inside and then I read her words....


Where do I start…God where do I start…?

This is the fifth letter I have written but the others I have never sent.

I'm a coward I suppose.

No there is no suppose about it I am a coward, I am now as much as I was two years ago.

I hope to god you are still reading because I need… no wait.

God… how I want to explain things to you.

I should have two years ago but I was so scared, so confused that I couldn't.

Please read this Chris, it's the truth all of it, I'm facing it now the truth of what we had, this will show you my side my heart my soul.

I know it won't change how much you hate me right now but I hope it can help you.

And I suppose I need you to understand why I did what I did to you, to us.

God when I saw you today I just felt so happy, yes happy, I have never stopped thinking about you, then there you were.

But you weren't were you? That wasn't the Chris I held in my arms two years ago.

What have I done to you…?

I didn't know… I swear to god, I didn't know how much you had loved me until I saw you today and your beautiful face and hair showed me how much I scarred you.

But it was your eyes, the eyes that could take my breath away, eyes that showed me everything you were feeling.

Yes today I saw it in your eyes, I killed your heart didn't I…

I saw the wet mark on the page, I knew she had been crying as she wrote this part, and all I thought was. '' Good!''

It was your eyes that moved me first you know?

When I came over to you and wiped that oil off your black face, they radiated blue at me like a beacon. They held me, they consumed me and I was pulled in.

I was like some lost ship on the sea that followed the guiding light right onto the rocks. I tried to stay away from you, but each training day we spent together I was more and more drawn.

Did you know I watched you? Every Monday I would, when I knew you weren't watching, cute things like biting the end of your pencil when you were trying to figure something out. The way your eyes would flare if you saw someone annoying me.

I saw it all.

The one that took my breath away was the Monday before you came to the bay, I was working with Stan I think his name was, he was having trouble with the new print, I was bent forward, when I looked up I saw your eyes starring at my breasts.

Your eyes change colour do you know that?

They no longer were the ice blue of the arctic, they were crystal blue with desire.

It scared me Chris; no one had ever looked at me that way but at the same time I felt so aroused that I could have kissed you right there and then.

I knew that day I wanted you…

I stood up, crunching the letter into a ball in my fist, I didn't want to read anymore, I didn't want to feel or know how she felt, it was lies anyway.

Wasn't it?

I paced and I moved to the edge of the cliffs again drawing back my hand to throw the damn thing to the sea.

Then that curiosity stuck its head up again, it wanted to know and if I threw it I knew it would be something more in my life that would torture me to death.

I went back to the tree log and I sat, taking a deep breath, I made myself read.

It scared me Chris; no one had ever looked at me that way but at the same time I felt so aroused that I could have kissed you right there and then.

I knew that day I wanted you…

But I knew I couldn't, I was married I loved him, he was my source he was my light, he hadn't given me any unhappiness, he was devoted to me, loved me, needed me.

It was wrong to hurt him like that, It was wrong and I would never ever in my life cause him that much pain.

That went right out the window the day you came to the bay.

It was the first time I had seen you out of those damn blue overalls.

You are so beautiful, you took my breath away.

A sculptured amazon was the first thing that popped into my head as I raised my head and saw you towering over the rest.

The bay disappeared I saw nothing else but you and all those reasons I mentioned and thoughts, got stored aside into the shadows.

They didn't matter anymore, I didn't care who I was going to hurt I wanted you so much that it overrode the fear and shame of what I knew I wanted for the first time in my life.


I knew it was more then the way you looked, I had been with woman before long ago before I met my husband.

It wasn't your beauty, or your eyes, or every glorious part of your perfect body.

I needed the Chris that made me laugh, made me cry, turned my insides out when I heard your voice.

Oh my god the first time you spoke a whole sentence to me that day I nearly died, it tore open that last door inside me with a rage stronger then a volcano.

I knew what I did to you, I knew what I could do to you and I loved it, I loved the fact your whole being responded to the way I looked, the way I spoke the things I said.

And you saw it didn't you, you finally saw it that day when we were having coffee.

The moment I saw you did, I knew I was in so much trouble.

I didn't care Chris I just didn't care, I knew I was getting into trouble.

It scared me yes, god yes.

But that was all over ridden because of you, I saw just how scared you were.

I saw your own doubts in your eyes, I saw how hard you tried to pull away from me and protect yourself.

Part of me wishes your defences had worked that day, that we had finished our coffee and just returned to what we had been, work mates.

Yet part of my still now screams thank you god that you didn't.

When we had talked for hours, I knew we would have to say good night, but I didn't want to. To go into the training rooms the next day and pretend that our first Sunday hadn't existed would have hurt so much.

I wasn't sure if you would turn me down flat and the thought that you might have just sent my stomach into butterflies, but I asked and you accepted.

I think I was just as nervous as you were as we went back to my cottage.

You know you did one of the sweetest things for me on the walk, you slowed your pace for me, so that I didn't have to always semi run to keep up.

May not have meant much to you… but to me it showed me so much of what you felt.

When I left you downstairs to take my shower, I just stood there, trying to get myself under control, my body was already responding to you in ways I didn't know were possible. I remember staring at myself in the mirror in the bathroom, wondering who this person was looking back at me.

I didn't recognise myself, but then I saw that I did, I was finally seeing the real me, not the person I had long ago decided to hide from the world.

I never felt more alive at that moment, yet I was so scared of what I saw Chris, it petrified me, till I shook.

Then I remembered your eyes; your voice and I had to know even if I was turned down flat whether you felt the same, no matter the consequences.

So I set out to seduce you….

I blinked at those words, my whole brain filled with the image of her standing at the stairs, everything came back to me, her smell, her smile, her voice. I knew when I looked down to continue reading it wasn't the light rain leaving splash marks on the paper.

The dress I chose worked, I saw your response immediately, the way your eyes seemed to finally open to what was right in front of you.

I also saw you pull back from me, place those walls up, but it didn't matter I knew now I could crush those walls.

What I didn't see was that you could just as easily crush mine.

You know I don't remember what we talked about at the meal, did we even talk?

No I don't think we did…

But we teased didn't we, we both now realised the full extent of our power over each other. I still squirm when I think of the ice cream and your tongue, I was sure I was going to loose it right then and there, I wanted you, I wanted that tongue tasting me, I wanted you to burn me Chris, to consume me I wanted you so much.

But again I got scared of the power you had over me, but I didn't understand it wasn't power Chris, it was more, oh so much more.

It was sweet gentle passionate love, with a flame that gently scorched and didn't ravage, all of this offered to me and begging me to take it.

When we left the restaurant I intended to end it right then and there, to stop it getting to the part that would destroy me, would destroy both of us.

I watched the change in you and I didn't understand, I knew that you must have been disappointed that you weren't going to get laid.

I gritted my teeth at that line, wincing.

Because I didn't see Chris I didn't see, I thought this was a normal night of passion for you, lust, need yes, god yes I saw that in you.

I didn't understand that it was more then that…

I knew of your reputation, that damn rumour mill informed me of that even before we got to that Sunday.

I knew you used woman, I excepted that from the moment I knew I wanted you.

I didn't care if it was on those terms.

But that Sunday changed that in me, I wanted it to be so much more than that.

I needed it to more then that.

I didn't trust that was the case as we left the restaurant, that this wasn't just that to you, that I was another one of those fucks…

I'm sorry if that hurts you to hear now, but back then I didn't know.

It changed though when you got angry with me, I so didn't understand why you looked so hurt and angry. Then it hit me full in the heart, I'd hurt you, I'd led you on all day and now I was tossing you aside.

I did the only thing I could think of, I kissed you, I had wanted all day to do that to feel you, to touch you.

And you just stood there like stone…

I felt so stupid that I had made a complete fool of myself, I thought of you going into work and starting my name on the rumour mill and this wonderful episode would be told, I needed to get away…

Then you said it. That I was playing a game, that I was using you.

You know I nearly laughed out loud right in your face, the whole time you thought I was using you, I thought you were using me.

I remember the anger, I remember the pain, but most of all I remember your kiss…

Still now, as I touch my lips, I remember every single touch of skin, tongue and lips.

You seared me, you breathed into me, and you ignited the flame in me that spread like wild fire.

Our love making was … was, god I cant find the words that would even come close to matching what it was Chris, please believe me.

I was born, I flew, I crashed, I burned, and then I rose again like the damn phoenix from the flames. All I knew was you at that moment we made love, your scent, your taste, your body, your soul, and your heart.

I felt my heart dive in and swim for its life until you reached over and pulled it to you.

I knew then I was yours….

God when you Cried I thought I'd done something wrong, that I'd hurt you somehow, then I saw those damn soulful eyes and I saw, it wasn't pain it was being lost so far away that it scared you, that what we had made you so happy that it hurt.

You know I felt the same, I told you..

Do you remember that Chris, did you hear what I was screaming to you in my whispers. I loved you, all of me, every last part of me right down to my tarnished soon to be in hell soul.

Did you hear me?

Did you?

Did you?

I rose up pacing again, my breathes choking back the tears, yes I'd heard her, I wanted to scream right back at her yes I heard you.

And what good had it done me, damn you.

I had to calm myself for a while, trying to breath through the ache in my stomach and heart, feeling the fist in my throat.

Taking long breaths I returned my eyes to the page, knowing I was already doomed to explode into tiny pieces at the end of this letter, ones that no one could save this time.

The next weeks were bliss yet torture for me, our time together banished any fear or doubt I had, but when I was alone they would came back yelling at me whispering in the days, always there. But when you were around they didn't dare raise their head.

Those weeks Chris was so wonderful that I truly believe I touched paradise with you, the closet thing on this earth anyway…

There was an ink mark here, raised and big; it showed her pen had stopped there for a long time before she could continue.

I knew what was next, yet I was exactly the same I was on that night, I couldn't look away, I couldn't stop reading.

I sat there and waited for the telling of the massacre, from the eyes of my heart and souls executioner.

When you left me that morning, I knew we had our last night together ahead.

I was so miserable thinking that tomorrow I would have to leave, worse then that after our one night together I would have to walk into the office and pretended you didn't matter, we didn't matter…

The very thought tortured me.

I had tried right back at the beginning to tell you about my husband but as I said I'm a coward, and at the beginning it didn't matter to explain to you, why I was doing this, or why I was with you.

Chris I was living in a wonderful safe happy bubble with you and I didn't want to burst it, talking about him would have, but the main reason I didn't want to talk about him was the fact I knew the moment I did I would leave.

I didn't want to leave us…

So I never told, I never discussed the future, I do remember you asking, and seeing the question and fear in your eyes, I couldn't voice it Chris, and if I did I would have to face the consequence of it.

I hope at least you understand that one part of me.

So I would show you how much I needed you and wanted you and loved you.

Outside of us, nothing existed.

But the world isn't as forgiving as that, time isn't either.

We ran out of time, we couldn't stop it no matter how hard we tried.

It was always there like a stalking unseen shadow.

That morning time caught us up, my husband arrived at the cottage as a surprise….

I stopped, my heart stopped, I hadn't known he had been there that morning when I was work.

My tortured eyes returned to the paper, I wanted that unseen figure to appear and burn out the orbs so I couldn't read anymore, but there's never one around when you need one.

He was so glad to see me, he'd brought flowers and champagne and his whole body just danced like a boy to be back with me.

I felt like the dirtiest, lowest form of life on this god-forsaken earth.

I felt sick, I wanted to be sick.

I'd betrayed him, I'd thrown every vow I made to him on our wedding day right into hell…and you know what I was thinking as he was retelling me how much he missed me and loved me and needed me, and his plans ahead for us.

I thought of you…

Only you, how much I wanted you, I much I needed you and how much my life will be nothing with out you.

Then I panicked, I got so scared of everything that I trusted about us.

I didn't trust or believe in what we had together, but mostly I didn't trust in what my body was screaming at me, I didn't trust that I loved you…

But worst of all I didn't trust my heart.

I could see in his eyes, his love, I could see in his face devotion…

I couldn't see yours; I couldn't hear mine…

This part will be hard to read, and I'm sorry that it will hurt you, because I know it will and part of me wants to lie to stop that, but as I said at the beginnings this is the whole truth. I also know that if there was one part of you that still loved me that this part will kill it, but I saw something in your eyes today that made me want to kill the world.

I saw darkness, a growing darkness that is consuming you, your not even fighting it Chris you're letting it win.

Your not even angry anymore are you; do you feel at all?

Please forgive me for what I am about to write….

Back then on that day I needed to know something about myself, I needed to see and find out if what we had mattered more then the person in front of me, I had to test it Chris, god understand I had to know….

I took him upstairs and I made love with him.

Yep there was that unseen figure right on schedule, in it ran and rammed a lance right through that shield and wall I had erected over two years, right through it and it turned and squirmed and finally when all I could do was whimper, it withdrew.

I don't need to go into details, I'm not that cruel no matter what you think.

Well I got my answer and you know what, I ignored it...

He didn't touch my heart anymore; he didn't even come close to touching my body.

I was on automatic with him...

My body didn't know this person lying with me anymore, so it refused to acknowledge anything he did…

I had the damn answer I wanted, and I still ignored it all of it, I didn't listen to my heart and didn't listen to my body I didn't listen to my soul.

You want to know why?

Of course you do, because when he looked up at me when we had finished I saw it in his eyes.

He knew…

He had listened to my body, he had listened to my heart, he had listened to my soul, and he had heard it screaming.

He just sat there starring at me in disbelief, begging me to tell him otherwise.

I never uttered a sound as he got dressed.

Then he stood at the door; his heart on the floor in pieces so much pain in his eyes that I couldn't even look at him anymore.

''I'll be waiting at home…''

Then he left…

I'd hurt him so badly I felt sick to my stomach, I was sick.

He would still take me back, how could he do that?

How could he want me knowing I'd betrayed him?

Then I realised something; he needed me back even if I had just ripped his heart out of his chest, other wise he would have died.

I was his everything Chris, I had always known he wasn't a strong man, I had loved his softer side, but I mistook that back then for something else.

In reality he was a person that gave all to someone and if that someone hurt him, they were nothing.

He needed me; no matter what I had done and without me he would have just perished away.

God I wanted to call you so much that afternoon to scream to you to come and get me to save me to take me in your arms and never ever, ever let go.

But I couldn't, because I knew when I looked into his eyes I knew I was going back to him.

I choose him….

I made the biggest mistake in my life at that moment, because I forgot one important thing, one that I hadn't seen, no wait I had seen it, I just chose to ignore it.

I made the mistake in believing that you were the stronger of the two.

That you weren't so bonded to me that it would destroy you, that you were strong enough to walk away and find someone else and put what we had down to nothing more then a life lesson.

To get on with your life and forget me, I was so sure back then that I made the right choice. No matter how much it killed me inside to walk away from you, no matter how much I just wanted to cry and die.

I hurt so much Chris so much…

I couldn't see you again feeling so much, so I put it away, I locked it up, I stomped it down, and I became the woman you saw that night, the night I told you.

The night where I watched every little word slash your heart to shreds, the night I watched every blow to your body as I told you.

The night I became the biggest bitch in history.

I had to make you leave me, because I knew if I let you in or near my heart I would snap like a tree in a storm. I needed you to hate me; I needed you to see the person that I was.

But you didn't hate me, you didn't get angry, you just took everything I used on you and you fell right in front of my eyes into a mess of bloody heartbreak.

I watch as your heart and soul, shattered…

When I saw what I had done, I saw the truth, it wasn't him that couldn't live without me, it was you!

You had given me everything and I saw for the first time that night how much of yourself you had given me, you hadn't left anything for yourself at all had you...

Oh Chris if I had known this before I never would have left you….

I grabbed you I tried to tell you I was sorry, I nearly gave in then to the pain inside me to the love inside me I nearly did…

But that fear won, I remembering saying what I did, knowing full well I was delivering the most painful blow.

And I did didn't I, well I sure should have felt pleased with myself.

I should have clapped myself on the back and said good job as I watched your face pale, as I watched your eyes die…

I did exactly what I set out to do that night, I made you leave…

You ran away from the woman who was killing you…

I don't know how I was still reading; I could hardly see the page now through the tears that broke.

This was the real story of us, this was the real reality of everything, and I wasn't a game to her I wasn't some fuck vacation.

She had to make a choice and she had chosen him.

I was much more to her then I had talked myself into, I meant just as much to her as she did to me. I thought I was nothing to her.

Could I have made that choice?

Could I have put my heart and soul aside like that?

Could I have destroyed her like she destroyed me because I thought I was making the right decision?

To do it because she thought she was saving me in some way, because I would survive because she knew he couldn't?

Fucking questions, I'd spent two years silencing the damn things with answers I thought was right.

But this...

I held the letter up to sky…

This letter was telling me differently to what I thought I knew.

I paced now as I turned my eyes back to the page, I could feel the anger eating at me, feel the rage seething at the injustice of it all.

I tried to follow you when you left, I was so scared that you would do something that would hurt yourself, but I soon realised that no matter how much I saw that you gave me, you were never a coward to life.

Oh yes I knew right then the full extent of pain I gave you, I realised that I had condemned you to a life of torture and there wasn't anything I could say or do to stop it happening...

I tried to follow you I swear I did…I couldn't keep up with you and you just disappeared into the darkness.

I went back to the cottage and I sat there, I think I went into shock, I didn't feel anything I was so numb…I had made you hate me, there was nothing now to keep me there at the bay.

I don't remember leaving, or packing, I don't remember getting on the train to London, and I don't remember walking in the house and my husband being there.

All I remember was being so worried about you, that it consumed me.

I called a friend at the factory every day who told me you had taken two weeks off, I paced, I didn't eat, I wanted to get on the train and make sure you were ok, but I knew you wouldn't have seen me.

Besides what could I say, what could I do, I had my own problems around me trying to save my husband…

When I heard that you were back at work I almost cried with relief, and slowly over time I didn't try to find out things about your life anymore.

I got on with my life, well what there was of it…

I don't remember the three months that followed at all; they just turned into six, then 9 then a year.

The anniversary of meeting you was so hard on me, that I felt like dying, it brought it all back, I'd mostly managed to concentrate on life around me but that day, it seemed to be an open invitation to the feelings and memories.

Another year went by and life went on, I tried through those years to make it up to him, became something I never thought I would ever become.

But over time I started to hate myself more and more, I also started to hate him, to blame him.

At the beginning of the second year I went into therapy, I was becoming self destructive, I had started to drink heavily, it numbed me it made me immune to my mistakes with you.

I did something stupid one day, I was totally loaded and I got into my car and I drove to work 6am in the morning and I was drunk as a skunk.

The police pulled me over and I was charged. I've lost my licence for three years.

When I finally started to sober and work with the therapist I realised how lucky I was that morning the police caught me, I could have killed myself, but more to the point I could have destroyed some other innocents life.

I've been clean of drink now for 6 months, I'm proud of that, it was hard because it had become my shield to my emotions.

I realised at the same time that I couldn't stay with him anymore; I stayed for all the wrong reasons.

First six months I was back with him I tried to leave, he tried to commit suicide, later in the year he tried it again.

My therapist helped me understand that was his way of emotional blackmailing me into staying; he had realised that that was my one great fear of him.

I also discovered that that was the main catalyst of leaving you.

But my therapist showed me that the times he had tried to take his life he always made sure that someone would get there in time, he timetabled it.

Don't get me wrong I fully understood he was screaming for help and that was his way. But I knew that I was making things worse for him that I was becoming a crutch stopping him from moving on…

It took a lot for me to walk out on him October of last year

I told him that I wasn't coming back and if this time he tried to kill himself he would succeed… I told him that I would always be sorry for what I did to him, but his life was more important then a woman like me.

I offered to get him help and to stand by him through it as a friend, but I couldn't be with him anymore as his wife.

It wasn't fair to him, and it wasn't fair to me.

He cried like a baby that night, but he did take me up my offer and now he is healing and getting his life back together.

He told me in May that he thought it better if we didn't see each other again, I was fine with that.

I haven't seen him now for over a month, but I have heard that he has found someone who he is happy with again.

He has his life and I have mine….

Well there it is Chris, if your still reading that is…

I hope you are because I 'd have liked you to see that I wasn't just some ice bitch that picked you up and spat you out.

That it wasn't a simple as that bubble we covered our selves in back then.

This letter is the reality with all its blood a gore, every last pain filled detail.

There is one thing left the reason I'm here in the bay, why I was at the factory yesterday morning.

My life is nothing with out you, I am nothing without you.

I have run away so much in my life from the things I wanted, from the one thing I needed. I decided to face up to life for once and stop running. These two years have been agony without you. I haven't really been alive away from you baby…

So I came here to see you, to see if you could ever forgive me and give me another chance, to let me explain and hope that you could understand why I did what I did, to know that I have never ever stopped loving and wanting you.

But most of all to tell you…

That you are still my everything, that my soul cries out for yoou and my heart still beats for you. That I love you Chris downing…

Oh believe me I was fully prepared for you to just slam the door in my face.

But nothing prepared me for what I saw today Chris, and no amount of pain I have for my past decisions came anywhere close to how much I felt when I saw you to day, and the real reality of what I did.

Over these two years, I put you in a place where you healed, where you got your life together, to a place that you survived that night.

I told you I had a friend here in town keeping me updated, she told me when you were back working, she told me god everything about you.

I made another mistake Chris, another one I shouldn't have.

I believed what my friend told me about you, that you were getting on with you life.

But that wasn't the real mistake I made, I had forgotten how much you can hide and how well you can act… Because the only person in your life that you let close enough to see the real you was me.

And I saw the horrible truth today.

Yes you work, yes you got out, yes you appear the life of the party, but none of it is real to you anymore is it…

I saw that today, I saw the truth…I saw how much I destroyed you...

Oh my god Chris what did I do…. What did I do…

Forgive me please forgive me.

That's all I can say now, because I know no matter what I write or say, I have lost you, god it feels like I have lost you all over again today...

Just know that I am yours always and I love you no matter how much you hate me, you have never left my heart.

I will wait for you Chris, no matter how long if at some point you can forgive.

No... I guess not, I hope at least you can understand, if you can't forgive.

I'm sorry but I can't just bring myself to write goodbye, I just can't.

Forever yours.


I crumpled the letter in my hand as I felt myself fall to my knees, I wailed.

I had just been well and truly kicked in the stomach; well not literally, there wasn't a fist or boot involved. But no matter the actually weapon used, my senses and body were sure feeling the pain.

I was trying to breathe, but I could feel the air caught in my lungs by some unseen force, I wasn't dying, but right then I wish I had.

Remember that part, where I began my sorrowful tale.

Well here I am lying on the ground with the light rain on my face, with my heart in shatters again, just wanting to die.

Now you know the reason, now you now the truth.

I replayed the letter in my mind over and over, I got up, I always do somehow find the strength to do that, even when the better part of me is dead.

I walked away from that tempting calling cliff, I just walked I didn't have a destination in mind, I didn't want to know, I didn't care.

I was still reeling from the feelings washing and cascading over me.

You see for nearly two years now I have had none at all, no feelings; nothing had touched me anymore.

But today I was ripped apart a new.

My mind wasn't helping either, it was throwing all sorts of things at me, but the one thing that was there screamed above the rest.

''Just know that I am yours always and I love you no matter how much you hate me, you have never left my heart.

I will wait for you Chris, no matter how long if at some point you can forgive.''

My mind's questions were relentless after that thought.

Would she wait like that for met?

Could I do that?

Could I forgive her?

Could we go back to what we had?

Did I want to go back to that?

No... I didn't want that fantasy or that bubble keeping out reality.

I stopped; I stood dead still…

Did I believe her side of it? Did I believe what was written in that letter…

Because if I did, I would have to believe the last part too.

I felt the walls spring up I felt the defences throw every last replay of my pain at me, It threw that night, her words, her face, her weapons, each cut each slash.

And you know what, it hurt like hell but I didn't fall, something had changed.

I had changed.

The one main thought that had tormented me, that had driven me nearly insane had been answered, I had never known why….

Now I did.

Not knowing had fuelled the rage, the pain, the loss, all of it, the not knowing had kept me in darkness, because I could never find the way of it, because the not knowing would pull be back.

But now I knew…

The question had been answered and I felt the power of not knowing slowly seeping away back into the abyss of despair from whence it came.

For the first time in a long time I felt free.

Free of the past, free of the pain.

So what the hell did that mean?

Now I was free now what, I still felt empty inside, I still felt lost.

This was getting way to complicated, it was easier being frelling chained.

At least then things were set out in life, I knew I was in pain, I knew I was chained therefore I worked with it.

So now what, now I'm free what the hell am I supposed to do with that?

That unseen force ran in and slapped me in the face and held up a giant sign in front of my eyes.

''Just know that I am yours always and I love you no matter how much you hate me, you have never left my heart.

I will wait for you Chris, no matter how long if at some point you can forgive.''

Wish it would stop doing that its annoying…

So was that the answer, could I go to her again, could I trust her again.

Mr unseen came back, put too paddles to my heart yelled 'clearrrrrr.'' And shot a jolt through it. Then he flashed up another memory card.

Do you remember that Chris, did you hear what I was screaming to you in my whispers. I loved you, all of me, every last part of me right down to my tarnished soon to be in hell soul.

Did you hear me?

Did you?

Did you?

I lashed out with my arm, physically stumbling.

''STOP Fucking doing that…''

I was sweating, I was yelling, I was mad, part of myself were fighting internally, fear against love, hate against forgiveness.

It raged a battle of heart and soul to live again.

Mr unseen came back, grabbed the past and shook it, shaking away all the doubt and fear and pain, then hit the rewind button on my memory then played the image…

Did you hear me?

Did you?

Did you?

I felt my heart rise to its knees. I felt it take my soul as a shield, it stood there in the mist of the bloodiest battle ever, and final it stood up again.

It screamed.


No longer forgotten, no longer willing to remain dead.

They had had enough of pain and pity they wanted to live again.

I wanted to live again, I wanted to feel something again, I wanted…

God I wanted…


Mr unseen did a YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS and disappeared.

I felt mentally and physically drained, my limbs felt so tired I wanted to sleep, to just curl up and sleep.

Then I felt the first pulse of panic and I ran…

This time I knew where I was running too, this time I knew the direction.

My heart was the star and my soul was the compass and I followed their lead.

Down the beach I ran, up across the pathway to the bay, across the resort, turned into where I knew the cottage stood.

And I stopped.

What if I'm wrong, what if she isn't here?

What if the letter was a lie something she made up to ease her own pain?

I swallowed hard, I gulped air into my lungs, I felt my heart beating so fast I thought any moment it would leap out of chest and run away.

But I wasn't going to stop now I had to know.

I walked to the door, I banged on it, when no answer came I banged harder, surprised it held under the assault.

Then I felt my heart sway a little, I felt that pull of air in it like before.

I turned around.

There she was, walking up the path from the beach, a towel in one hand and a bag and camera in the other.

I saw her look up as she cleared the pebbles, watched as she lowered her sunglasses, then she froze.

She held up her hand to try and cut the glare from the sun shining behind me, saw her squint her eyes to try and focus.

Watched the look of shock appear on her face as she realised it was me.

I walked forwards, keeping my eyes locked on to hers, saw her look around as if she was looking for a way out. Then to late I was in front of her.

We didn't say anything, I just looked at her, I saw what I had missed that morning in the factory, I saw evidence of her pain of two years on her body and in her eyes.

I watched her eyes fall to my scar on the cheek, her finger caressed it, then up to the white in my hair, I saw so much regret there in green eyes that it touched a feeling alive again in my heart.

''I'm so sorry Chris, god I am so sorry…''

She started to cry, which turned into a sob, her hand at her mouth to try and quell it, it raged through her whole body.

I watched it as if some part of me needed to see her pain, as if some part of me needed to know that she felt it too.

It wasn't revenge believe me it wasn't that, because I wasn't angry at her, in fact if anything I was more in love with her in that moment then I had ever been. I watched her because the part of me that had been destroyed needed to know it hadn't been for nothing.

That, that sacrifice inside wasn't just for words that it had to have died for a reason. So I watched her break in front of me until that part of me had its answer, it wasn't for nothing…

I pulled her two me and gripped her so close I was sure I was going to mark her skin.

''I love you Carais…And I forgive you.''

She cried out then, a wail more powerful then anything I had made, her legs gave out and we sank to the floor.

I held her while she cried I never let go.

She babbled words of love into my heart, she argued with me about deserving better then her, but I didn't listen, all that I heard was love again.

Finally I pulled her up with me and lifted her.

I noticed another thing she was a skeleton under her clothes, she weighed nothing as I carried towards the cottage.

''Oh baby what have you done to yourself?''

She didn't answer she just held me closer, slipping her arm around my neck.

I didn't care who was watching, nothing mattered but us now.

I took her up to the bedroom and laid with her on the bed…

We just held each other for the hours to follow, when we kissed I felt all the old emotions come up and cover me in a nice warm comfy blanket.

Every part of me was sighing as I held her; every pore was content.

Even my battered heart gave out a long felt sigh.

Then we fell asleep wrapped in each other's arms, not knowing where one of us began or ended.


We have been together now for almost three weeks, she is staying at the cottage here, and we take each day as it comes.

We haven't made love, and our kisses are more on the shy side if anything.

But she knows I am finding it hard to trust her with my heart and soul right now. She says she is cool with that, and I believe her.

This time we are taking it slow, we both know we love each other but now we don't have a count down clock dictating our needs.

I think the hard part for her is to forgive herself for what she did, but I'm going to make sure I'm here everyday as long as she needs me to be.

Just wish I didn't have this damn scar, I know it reminds her of that night, she has never said so but I know, I see it in her eyes each time.

As for her scars, I can't see them but I know there there, just as much as mine are, I've started to make her eat again, geesh she was so thin.

Now I'm glad to say all her curves are returning and the light is back in those beautiful green eyes.

Part of me knows she would never hurt me again, but as always there is another part that just fears she will. She helps me deal with that fear.

Together we seem to be handling everything thrown up at us.

You know the funny thing, we actually talk now, I don't mean the chit-chat stuff like before, I mean the meaningful things, like feelings and thoughts and fears. Didn't think I'd ever find talking about mushy stuff interesting or even helpful.

We both know we are two different people from the ones we were, that those changes sometimes causes problems between us, but we work through them.

Today I noticed something, she was sitting out in the sun, and I walked out with the drinks.

I stopped…

She was laying back her eyes closed, her hair fanned around it, threads of its gold stirring in the breeze, her head tilted to the sun and she looked so peaceful, so beautiful, and it knocked the breath out of my lungs.

It was the first big body reaction I had for her in a long time.

It kinda winded me.

She sensed me, or heard my gulp either way she turned her head and smiled that damn beautiful smile that now reached her eyes again.

I of course I still stood there like an idiot.

''Baby you ok?''

I nodded, willing my legs forward, and for once they obeyed, I gave her the drink and sat in the recliner just looking at her.

The way her curves now filled out where her bones had been, the way her skin no longer had that pale grey hue.

When I looked up she was watching me, her head tilted in that way I found so cute so long ago.

She sensed it too; she saw it in my eyes I think, the beginnings of want, of need, of lust. I saw her inhale, then I saw the same thing in her eyes that I first saw at the coffee shop at the bay, I saw the power pulse, the power of knowing that you can do things to other people.

I saw hesitation creep in, uncertainty.

I lowered my eyes over her body, letting the passion start to flow, let the image of her naked and arching by my hand, race through every pore.

When I looked into her eyes I saw her gasp.

It was there, in my eyes it was there, all of what I was feeling and it was screaming at her to take it.

She licked her lips and stood, and slowly came over to me, her hand caressed my cheek and then she bent and gently kissed along my scar as if trying to make it vanish with her love.

Then took my lips gently in almost a whispering kiss, then she stood back.


I saw it then the lust, the want, the need in her eyes, and I swallowed, felt my brain turn to putty.

I took her hand and kissed the back of it, laying my cheek on it, her hand went into my hair…

''I want you so much Chris, right now…''

I met her eyes and saw the truth laid bare, she would never hurt me again she would never make me leave, or leave me, because right there in her eyes I saw it the reason why she wouldn't, it was simple because she would die too.

''Lets go to bed.'' Her smile burned me.

And you know what I said as I followed her upstairs.


I think we're going to be ok, don't you…


The End

Thank you for reading what started out as a short story.

Please let me know what you think, you the reader matter to me.



Copyright K.Savage. 13th July 2004




The end.

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