Disclaimer... The characters below are all mine I have sculpted them from the clay of my own warped imagination and breathed life into them. If you'd like them to resemble a certain bard and warrior who am I to deny you your fantasies.
I must now warn you that this story contains relationships between women. It also contains scenes of violence, although not too graphic you may find it disturbing. There is also graphic sex in this one so be warned. So if you are under age or find the above distasteful please move on to something more suitable.
I have also been asked to add a hanky warning, just in case...
... The muse of creativity I again bow down to and offer my first born or a cookie, as for the muse of spelling and grammar I am still learning and beg her patience.
This is for all those who have been betrayed to let you know that you are not alone............. Also for all the fans who have let me know how much my work has touched them. I cannot thank you all enough. J
With that said let the show begin....
I stood silently in the rain its downpour camouflaging the tears I knew were there as I felt their droplets fall from my nose and down my cheeks onto my lips. Feeling my long hair stick to my face and my clothes plaster to my body by the sudden outburst from the skies, it felt like the clouds were weeping for me. I didn't have the energy to move into shelter, somehow all my muscles were drained, as was my heart. If someone could have looked inside me right then they would have seen my life's blood seeping through the wounds that were being created by the sharp splinters of visions that entered my denying eyes. I looked up briefly as lightning flashed hearing the rumbling thunder as I felt my first sob.
My eyes turned back to the restaurant across the street, watching as the blonde woman drew back her head and laughed, her hand moving to the redhead's hand she was dining with. I swallowed a long hard swallow that brought pain to my throat and nausea to my stomach. I couldn't pull my eyes away even if I wanted to, some masochistic part of me wanted to know all, no matter the pain and I knew there was going to be more. The blonde was my lover Sarah of eight years, I knew every part of her and I thought I knew her, obviously not.
I'd come here to prove a point to a so-called friend that she was wrong. Lucy a year ago had hinted that Sarah was lying to me about business trips. I had laughed them off, knowing deep down that Lucy had always wanted me and didn't like Sarah at all, I trusted Sarah with everything and knew she would never do anything. I had even told Sarah we never did have any secrets she had laughed it off and then got pretty pissed at Lucy for even trying to break us up. My friendship with Lucy had become strained at that point, so she backed off and never mentioned it again.
I'd forgotten all about the accusations until a week ago, when Sarah was away on a seminar in Houston. During that time our cat had fallen ill, I knew she would want to know. I called. When I got through I found out the seminar had been cancelled at short notice due to ill health by the chief speaker. I really didn't think anything about it till Sarah came home the next day and the first thing out of her mouth was how boring it had been. I had stood there silent, not really knowing what to think. The next day Sarah came back from work and dropped into our conversation that had she mentioned that the main seminar was cancelled and the one she had gone to was a private one that was held instead. I stood there silently again believing her but somewhere inside a small whisper was beginning.
I started thinking back to the beginning of the year when she would suddenly have to disappear on business trips at the weekends, the phone calls that would hang up when I answered. Small things started to create a complex puzzle of betrayal in my mind. Lately she had been putting me off in our lovemaking saying she was too tired because of all the extra work. Full kisses on the mouth suddenly became pecks, little things she used to do like make my coffee in the morning were replaced by it being in the pot. I was going mad through that week everything trivia became part of the puzzle and that was stupid it was driving me insane.
I had to know no matter the consequences.....
This was Friday and as usual lately she had called to say that she was running late at the office and was going to be some time and not to wait up. I had paced for an hour then made my decision. Not taking a coat I left, driving the car to the office block and waited outside. She came out at 6.30 not dressed in her work suit she had on the red dress I had given her as an anniversary present. My heart was begging her to drive home and all of this was just my imagination, that she was going to surprise me. But that shattered as I watched her car turn out of town and take the highway to a restaurant in an area I didn't know. When she pulled into the car park I sat in the car, watching her jump out, smile at the attendee then head towards the door. My head and her head turned as her name was called from across the street. I watched in shock as my lover's face beamed a huge smile, one she used to give me not so long ago, she ran towards the tall redhead and embraced her. I held on to hope until Sarah gave the woman a kiss that told me they were not just friends. My head sagged to the wheel, my forehead pressing against it, through tears I looked up watching them enter the dining room arm in arm, laughing and joking. I nearly drove away to go home and wait for her, but I still held out hope that this was just a friend, that if I confronted her she would never forgive me for disbelieving in her love for me and that I thought she would betray.
I got out of the car and found a spot opposite just under a tree so I couldn't be seen and I watched. I watched as my soul mate laughed and caressed the woman she was with, I watched her do the things she used to do with me, I watched as I saw my Sarah emerge I felt sick to my very soul. I looked up again as another streak of white crossed the now black sky, I hadn't noticed it getting dark, I had been caught up in the betrayal in front of me. I stepped back into the shadows as I saw them emerge hand in hand, again watching them kiss passionately beside Sarah's car. When Sarah had entered I ran back to my car and waited, not knowing why I wanted to know more, it was obvious that she had a relationship with this woman, she had lied to me. But still I waited to see what the next chapter was going to be. The redhead pulled out first and Sarah's car followed, I waited a few minutes keeping her in sight then also followed. I didn't know this area at all, a small town outside of Atlanta, but Sarah knew it I could tell by the way she was driving, knowing to slow down ahead of time when lights were around a corner. Every turn of the wheels beneath me were cracking the hope I was trying to keep safe. Finally after thirty minutes Sarah slowed to pull into a driveway of a house, I drove past noting that the redhead's car was already there. I parked around the corner then hiked back, slowly I approached, seeing the left window lit, I moved keeping low and looked in. I just wasn't ready for what I saw. Sarah, my Sarah was locked in an embrace and kiss that finally killed my hope dead.
She was kissing the way she kissed me, her hand behind the redhead's neck pulling her to her, her other hand was moving to pull open her shirt. Then I heard my lovers moan through the open skylight, a deep moan a moan I knew, a moan I could get from her, it was her moan of want. I watched as my lover's hand pulled the other woman's hand down and up under her dress, I couldn't take my eyes away I prayed for someone to burn them out but no god heard me. I could feel the bile rising in my throat and I watched frozen as my lover arched and raised her leg to wrap around the now moving hips of the redhead, hearing her let out a long passion felt groan as someone else moved inside my lover.
I pulled back clamping my hand over my mouth to stop the outward cry from my heart, I turned my head just in time to vomit onto the grass, falling to all fours as everything emptied from me, gasping, gulping, crying for air. My stomach clenched and released like an unseen force kicking it, I was crying and sobbing and I hurt so bad right then every part of me ached. Finally my stomach was empty and I only managed dry painful heaves for a while. I collapsed sideways my head bowed in defeat and loss. I had just lost everything.
The rain was relentless it poured a new, soaking me to the bone, I didn't care. All I had in my mind was the now scorched image I had just witnessed and in my ears I could hear her sounds. I closed my eyes willing my ears to go deaf, willing my heart to stop beating. I tilted my head back and let the rain fall onto my face, letting its strength sting my skin, opening my mouth catching as much as I could as if I left it open long enough I would drown. I coughed as some trickled down my throat the cough released my tears with vengeance. I sobbed like a child pulling my knees up tight against me burying my face in my hands and I started to rock. I prayed for silence, for oblivion, for peace.
I sat there lost and alone unable to move, my body dying little by little as I realized that my actions would mean tonight my relationship with her was at an end. If I hadn't followed I would never have known and she might have just returned to me fully, that this was just a simple affair. But now I knew I could never wipe my memories of what I had witnessed, never erase the feelings pulsing through me, never lose the pain in my heart or the emptiness of my soul. I would never have been able to put a face to the lover she had taken or seen the things that they did. If I hadn't have known these things I realized as I sat there I might have taken her back and worked on saving us, but now I knew. I gulped a cry back, wishing I didn't know, I still wanted her, I still needed her, I still loved her, that hadn't changed inside me. God I ached.
The cry I heard next filtered through the pain around me, it was her cry of nearing release, a long drawn out breathless cry of passion building. I slammed my hands to my ears and insanely started humming trying to block it out. Then the agony got pushed aside, anger came running fast into my vision, blind red anger. I yelled, jumping up running to the door, I stepped back and with one swift movement I kicked the door in, I was inside in seconds. I saw them pull away in shock, the redhead fell to the floor and a part of me found it comical watching her fall onto her arse, but my eyes snapped to my naked lover who was staring at me first in surprise at the intrusion then in total shock as her eyes registered who I was, I watched the blood drain from her face her eyes widen and she backed quickly up into the corner of the couch, grabbing a cushion to hide her nakedness.
All I could hear her say over and over again before she started crying was,''Oh god oh god oh god.''
The redhead was up within seconds, grabbing her shirt pulling it on her gaze shifting from me to Sarah, total confusion on her face, until it registered who I was she swallowed taking a step backwards from me.
I knew I made a frightening sight, my hair was streaked with rain, my body covered in both sweat and water, my muscles trembling beneath the skin wanting to be let loose. My blue eyes were flaming ice and rage I knew it, my chest heaving, my fists clenched tightly at my sides as I stared at them both, my betrayers. I stood there my body burning and tense, inhaling fast catching the primeval sound in my throat that started to sound like a growl. I looked at her, stared at her willing her to say something.
When the redhead moved forward my head snapped around eyes glaring. She stopped dead.
I swept my arm back needing to hit something, I hit the table lamp to the floor, seeing both of them jump as it smashed. I strode over to her, the redhead stepped in front of me.I stopped, leveling my eyes on her. ''Don't..'' I said through clenched teeth.
She faltered for a moment then looked to Sarah.
Sarah shook her head at her, then rose pulling on her dress, I wanted to rip it off, how could she wear that, something I gave her out of love, wear it knowing she was going to do this. I moved forward and felt the redhead's hand on my arm, she must have seen what I was going to do in my eyes. I yelled grabbing her wrist pulling it back and drew back my arm to strike her.
''DEBS DON'T....'' Sarah voice was filled with pain and panic as she yelled running between us.
My arm froze poised high ready to strike, the redhead was crouched ready for the blow. Sarah stepped to my side then her face turned to the redhead.
''Steph go ok just go, I'll be ok...''
Steph looked over to her then up at me. ''You're kidding right, Jesus Sarah I'm not leaving.''
I stepped back my arm dropping, my hand releasing her wrist as if it was disgusted at having to touch it.
''She wouldn't hurt me.. please go.''
Steph threw me a look of warning, then turned to Sarah, I watched her pull her hand into hers then kiss it, I fought down the beast inside me that was starting to grow out of the rage, I stopped it from ripping her apart.
Sarah looked anxiously over to me as Steph did that, then gave her a small smile. ''Please go I need to talk to her... please.''
Steph looked at me again then came over so that she was as near to eye to eye as her small frame could be. ''You hurt her and I will hunt you down.''
The smile I gave her made the stern look on her face falter for a moment, it wasn't a smile, it was a leer of warning.
She went to Sarah's side again her eyes never leaving me. ''You sure about this?'' Sarah nodded.
Steph grabbed her things then getting dressed she moved to the door, her face plainly filled with the emotion that she shouldn't have been leaving. Her face turned back to Sarah. ''I'll call in fifteen minutes if you don't answer I'm coming back...'' She threw me one last threatening look then disappeared outside, I heard the car start and leave.
I slowly turned back to my lover.
She swallowed, her eyes opening and closing as she fought the tears. She quickly went back to her bag and pulled a packet of cigarettes. Lighting and inhaling deeply, she blew the smoke out quickly then inhaled again, her hand pushing back her hair, she sat on the chair then finally looked at me.
I wasn't ready for the pain filled emerald eyes or the agony that was changing them to sea green. I felt my anger take a step backwards as I blinked.
''Do you want to hit me?''
I felt my fist clench again I said nothing.
'' How about kill me? I wouldn't blame you if you did.''
I inhaled sharply feeling the anger step back again, felt my fists releasing. I shook my head closing my eyes feeling the tears starting again.
She drew on the cigarette again then exhaled the smoke. ''Well you should...I would if I found you like this...''
My head jerked up, looking at her but again I said nothing.
She started flicking her nails together, her teeth chewing the inside of her mouth, then she looked back up at me. She savagely stamped out the cigarette in the ashtray then lit another one. ''What do you want me to say Deb? I'm sorry? ''
I swallowed I could feel the anger moving away from me completely now back into the awaiting shadow of pain. I stayed silent, I couldn't talk my throat was so tight that no words could get by now.
She rose going to the table opposite, my eyes following her, I watched as she poured herself a scotch and downed it in one, pouring a second one she returned to the chair. Then she looked up at me, her eyes dropping to my clothes then my hair, focusing now really seeing me. A sob caught the back of her throat and she took another drink to cover it. '' I'm sorry I never meant any of this...'' As her voice broke she took another drink then inhaled on the cigarette again.
I hadn't moved, I hadn't spoken I was stood there dripping rain onto the carpet and I just stared at her, trying to figure out who this person was and wondering where my Sarah had gone.
She looked up at me her patience gone. ''For fuck sake say something, don't just look at me with those eyes....''
I swallowed clearing the ache in my throat a little. ''Why?''
She looked away, biting her cheek again, her hand picking at a piece of torn thread on her dress. '' I don't know...'' She turned her eyes to me meeting my gaze, I saw the tears forming again. '' Honestly I don't know Deb.''
My shoulders sagged, suddenly feeling the tiredness sweeping over me, then I felt my legs just refuse to hold the burden anymore, I fell. When I felt her arms around me I pushed her off. ''God don't ...Christ... just don't...'' I burst into tears again and heard a sound come from me that I didn't know I could make, it was the sound of a dying heart.
She backed off quickly. ''I'm sorry god I'm sorry Deb don't ...''
I ignored her sobs now they meant nothing to me, I felt the anger move back up again, I got up pulling myself straight holding on to the edge of the chair. ''Don't what? Don't feel? Don't want? Don't love? What is it you don't want me to do?''
She tore herself away from my hand before it could grasp her. ''It wasn't supposed to be like this I swear... it got out of control.'' She paced almost panicked.
I moved towards her she ran behind the sofa, I stopped. '' How long has she been fucking you.''
''Debs please not like this please...''
She stopped pacing turning to face me. ''Three weeks...''
I blinked in shock. '' What?''
'' I've been fucking her for three weeks, but I've been seeing her as a friend for over a year, is that what you wanted to know?''
I felt the sofa's edge at the back of my knees and I sat, my face buried into my hands and I cried.
I heard her voice filtering through my tears. '' Please don't Deb please don't ... I can't take it that I've hurt you this way I can't take it back none of it... I wish I could but I can't I never meant to hurt you, it just happened with her, I needed someone and she was there.''
I looked up sniffing confusion in my voice. ''Needed? I'm there I was always there no matter what. Why Sarah? Why her and not me?''
She virtually fell into the chair her own sobs coming fast and strong, hiccuping into her voice as she spoke. ''I'd forgotten Debs I'd forgotten... I got so caught up in work and the stress she was there she helped me through it...she always knew what to say what to do.....''
She stopped a moment trying to get her crying under control enough to talk. '' The more she helped me the more I went to her, when I had a problem I'd go to her rather than you, after a while it seemed to the normal thing to do.''
I just stared at her, feeling my heart pump so fast I thought it would burst at any moment.
'' It wasn't any more to me it wasn't I swear it.... it was a friendship that asked nothing Debs nothing...''
''So to thank her you fucked her...''
Her breath hitched as she looked at me. ''It wasn't like that, she told me three weeks ago she had fallen in love with me, I didn't know what to do Debs I won't say it suddenly happened when I had sex with her because I knew exactly what I was doing...''
I closed my eyes again and couldn't stop the sob of pain. When I opened my eyes to look at her, her tears were streaming down her face. I clenched my teeth feeling injustice scream into my brain. ''Go on tell me, go on tell me how this got out of hand Sarah because from what I saw today and tonight there isn't one part of you that didn't want her inside you...''
She sat back her eyes wide in disbelief. ''You saw?''
I nodded. ''Oh yes I saw and I heard and if you want to know what I thought, there's some vomit outside that should show you right where my heart and soul died.''
''Oh god.... oh god.''
I rose feeling the anger rise again. '' He won't help you now Sarah.... We're damned both of us to hell... I trusted you with everything, I gave you my heart my soul my life all of it was for us, for you.''
Her face fell into her hands again, crying loudly. '' Forgive me please I can't lose you Debs I can't I didn't mean too god I didn't. I got caught up in her, pulled to her I can't explain it I was going to end it please believe me. I was, I knew she wasn't you the more I did it the more I knew, but how could I tell you... I knew I would lose god I love you Debs.... I love you.''
Her eyes met mine and for a moment I almost did, I wanted to so badly right then to believe her, wanted her to wrap her arms around me and tell me that I was still her baby and that everything was going to be ok. I ached for it, then I saw her underwear on the floor, saw her bra slung over the chair, heard her voice on the phone in my head lying to me, and reheard her moans of pleasure and passion. But most of all I could smell them in the air, her scent my lovers scent and as I inhaled I felt a small part of my love for her die.
When I spoke my voice showed my tiredness and defeat. I had lost her and there was no going back. ''Guess we will never know... I love you so much Sarah so much it kills me to walk away.''
She was up in a flash grabbing my arm as I turned, her voice pleading, begging. '' Please Deb please don't we can work it out we can.... I love you. I need you don't leave... god don't leave me.''
I shook my head, feeling my insides being burnt alive. ''No I can't... Can't you see what you've done, you've destroyed us, destroyed our love, tainted our passion, poisoned my heart against you.''
She clung with both hands as I started to pull her off, her voice full of desperation. '' I know you love me Debs I know you do don't do this give me a second chance we can heal I can't lose you from my life...I can see that now I was wrong oh so wrong..... pleaseeeeeeeeeeeee.''
I tore her hands off me with a yell of frustration and pain, she was suffocating me I needed to breathe, she fell to the floor her body shaking from the sobs that now raked her. My whole being ached, hurt, cried, and my soul screamed and begged to give her a second chance. ''I can't...'' Came out as a strangled sob.
Then I turned and somehow walked away.....
After that night a piece of me stopped existing. I went back to the house and packed as much of my stuff I was a zombie, I went home to Houston, just turning up at the door. My parents never asked they just accepted me back and wrapped me a place of love for me to heal.
Debbie called every day for a month, pleading with my father to talk to me, but I had told him I couldn't. I knew then if I heard her voice I would give in to the part of me that cried every night just to be held by her again.
By the second month her calls had dropped to twice a week, when she turned up on the doorstep I wouldn't see her and finally she went away.
The third month was the hardest, it was our anniversary and she called that day but still I couldn't trust myself to talk to her. I disappeared inside myself and tried to repair the damage she had done.
The fourth month I didn't cry so much when I heard a song I knew she liked, or when I saw a book on a shelf and my memory would go back to the times we would sit outside and read in the summer.
Time began to mend my heart, I still ached for her and part of me wished I had never followed that day. Her calls had all but stopped now, she wrote letters to me that begged for forgiveness, telling me she had never seen Steph again. That all she did was think of me and how stupid she had been. But I didn't really read them, because her words weren't strong enough to get past the betrayal I felt. I started to hate her, curse her, wanted her dead, to suffer, but that too passed. Then I started blaming myself, what if I had been different, what if I had been more, the what ifs that started to drive me insane. Then I fell into a pit of blackness where my whole body ached and my heart couldn't breathe, no one could reach me, but that too passed.
By the first year I had moved on, I still held the scar inside me I always would, but life goes on. I returned to Atlanta at the beginning of the second year to face my demons, I went back to work there at the university enjoying my teaching, I knew one day I would run into her, I knew she still lived there.
When I entered the coffee shop she was sitting waiting for me, I had called that morning. She smiled over to me as I walked in I couldn't return the smile, so I just sat and ordered. She didn't say anything she just waited.
I looked at her, I knew this was a test to myself to see if I could survive in my life without her, the year away I had repaired. What I needed to know was did I still love her or were they just memories of the what ifs. ''Guess you're wondering why I called?''
'' Yes..'' I could see she was nervous.
I took a long breath. '' I needed to know something..''
Her eyes questioned me. ''Know?''
I nodded. '' If I still loved you..''
She inhaled sharply, lighting a cigarette and swallowed. '' And?'' she exhaled the smoke as she spoke.
'' Yes,'' I paused as I felt my answer come to me from inside my heart, but it was still hard to say. I realized as I looked at her and sat opposite this wasn't the Sarah my heart belonged too, this was a faded image of that love.
'' But not like before...''
She slowly nodded, then smiled sadly up at me, inhaling the cigarette. '' I know.... I am sorry I realize now what I lost Debs, and I also know there is no going back.''
I nodded sadly too, my eyes focused on the cup in my hands, I didn't cry anymore I still felt the pain of it all but now it was different, this was the pain of acceptance, the same pain I saw in her eyes when I looked up at her.
She snubbed the cigarette out then lifted the packet, beginning to rise. '' Guess you have your answer.... Just know that if I could take time back I would never have betrayed you.... I didn't look that far ahead and I will be forever hating that part of me that got caught in the moment, it's my fault I lost you and I will take that to my grave Deborah...''
I looked up at her, and saw the glistening tears and I also saw the truth as she spoke.
She gently brushed her lips across mine. '' I will never stop loving you....Be happy.'' Then she turned quickly and left my life.
I sat there feeling a burden being lifted from me, it wasn't my fault, it really wasn't anyone's. People do stupid things without thought of the consequences or the cost. The difference is to some their lover is always in their thoughts, they never leave it. I just wasn't in hers all the time like she was in mine. I had loved her with everything. The sad part was that she hadn't realized she loved me just as much until she lost me.
Maybe if I had been a better person I could have forgiven her and we could have tried again. But that undying love that was once hers from me had changed and maybe one day we can work on that to find another deeper love.
As I paid for the coffee I knew I was lying to myself on being with her again, something that broken can never be repaired. I walked out across the road to the park and sat, staring at nothing.
Feeling lonely inside but knew that now I could move on, I would never love anyone as much as I loved Sarah, I knew that fact. But you never love a person the same way anyway, the love that builds and consumes comes from the person you are with and each time it is different.
I don't know if someone else is out there for me, I don't know how that will end and part of me wants none of it. The choice to do nothing and spend a lifetime missing the simple joys in a relationship and yes the pain too is a waste of one's self. I found out pain builds things inside that love can't, it builds bigger steps to see higher in life, to rise expectations beyond it, to seek out someone that would never hurt me, and feels the same in every way.
I understand that side of me that argues to hide away and keep safe, the part that builds walls around me, and yes the side that wants to run back to Sarah understands that too. It's scared of loving and losing again. But to do that is simply a waste of life, and we only get one chance. My heart isn't ready for an earth shattering love, I had that with her, and I know I'm not ready to step outside and look, or to trust that much in someone again. I also know life will never show you the way to your destiny, that you have to get off your arse no matter how battered you feel.
Because sooner or later your heart and soul want more than just the taste of tears.
... The End ...
Return to the Academy
Thank you for reading. J Ladyhawke124@hotmail.com Please title all emails as my filter is having a hissy fit with the untitled ones and putting them in my trash, I do not want to miss your comments and I like to reply to let you know how much it means. Thank You. Other titles available exclusively to the Academy. ''Shattered.' ''Sound of Rain.'' ''Little Ditty.'' This is for all those who have asked for more of my work. Copywrite K.Savage '' Taste Of Tears.'' By Ladyhawke. 23 July 2004