Disclaimer.... This one comes from my heart and soul. So it is all mine.
Warning........ Not this time. As of yet there is no law against being gay and having grief.
Acknowledgements... For all those who have faced a moment such as this.
Killed in a motorbike accident 9th September 2004
Although my ex partner, forever my friend.
Now causing trouble where angels fly.
This one is for you....
Time... How long had it been?
I didn't know, but if you asked me I could describe every detail of the print on the mug of now cold coffee I held in my shaking hands. I'd never noticed before how Katharine Janeway's hair matched perfectly her eyes. I did now. I was staring at it. Why was I?
Time.... How long had it been? I still didn't know, was it seconds? Minutes? Hours?
Time had suddenly stilled, no wait, time had stopped... No no NO! I'm getting confused. Time hadn't, but something had... What's wrong with me... why is my throat so dry? There's a hammer in my head... What is it I'm missing? Someone had said something.... No wait someone had punched me in the stomach...No No No that wasn't it...
God what is going on?
Time.... There it was again in my head, the sound of a clock, over and over. No it's not in my head it's on the mantelpiece, I'm at home...but why can I hear it so clearly...
Why am I home? Yes I know, just have to think. I work here, I write from here. There was a doorbell, I remember that, I got up and went. I answered it but what was next?
I can't remember, god why can't I remember. I wish that clock would shut up, my head hurts. So does my heart... Wait why does it?
'' Miss Kenton...''
Someone's saying my name?
'' Miss Kenton... Is there someone I can call for you?''
I finally look up....
TIME.... Then I see, then I hear, then I know... As I look into the sorrowful faces of the policewoman and my friend. They came here, I was working in the study and they came to the door... Yes, the doorbell, that was them. But why is Casey here, why is the police with her? What was it they said?
'' I'm sorry Miss Kenton... your partner Alex Laramie has been in a road accident... Her motorbike was hit...I'm.... I'm afraid she was killed instantly.''
And time comes crashing down.
Every shard of past, present and future smash along with the mug as it falls from my hands as I stand.
Into a thousand pieces onto the floor. Alex laughing... chasing...lovemaking...arguing...pledging...bonding...crying...
Dying. Now I know...
Someone's holding me, yes it's Casey she's crying so badly. Why? But I know inside, I know, I see it in their eyes.... I feel it in my weeping soul....... Can it do that, can it really do that? Yes it can and it hurts so.
''Miss Kenton please.''
'' Oh god oh no it's not true not my Alex...you're lying.''
'' I'm so sorry but I'm afraid it's true....''
And time slows......................
I feel the scream I hear the scream, I feel the hands and arms as they try to hold me. I'm sitting again, what happened again?
Something is inside me squeezing a huge ball into my stomach. My heart twists and turns and flutters. Can it do that? Can it really do that? Somewhere else inside there's a feeling.... God what is that feeling, I can't explain it? Ache? Is that what ache feels like... I'm going to be sick I know it, but I can't, people are here... I can't do that, I don't know them.. They can't see me doing that. Alex is the only one who.........
Oh god Alex.... Noooooo not my Alex...
Time resumes... '' It's not true.... It's not true...''
But even as I look at the policewoman's face, but more at Casey's tears and hand to her mouth, I know it's really true. Oh god.... Alex.... my Alex gone.
There's stars ... and fuzziness... strange? It's not... oh god... I'm gonna pass out...Why is someone screaming?
Rain... How long had it been raining? I didn't know, but if you asked me I could describe every detail on the wooden casket that was now moving towards the flames. I'd never noticed before the patterns of colour captured in each ring of ageing. I did now. Why was I staring at it?
Rain... Is there a storm, did I miss it? No, no storm...but I'm wet. Why am I? Oh I know, I had to go somewhere... where was that? Yes I remember now. Ashes to ashes or something like that, and pain. A pain inside of loss and something else... Grief... so this is what it feels like. Dull... Numb... Agony.
What is that?
Is that rain?
No, I know what it is.
It's the sound of tears.
Emptiness. Why do I have to go on? Where is it written that I have to be strong? I don't want to be here. I want to die. Why? Why? Why?
Time.... How long has it been? Minutes? Hours? Days? Years?
I didn't die... I couldn't, it wasn't my time no matter how much it hurts. Because life goes on. So why does it still feel so wrong now that you've gone?
Thank you for reading. I just needed to share. Ladyhawke124@hotmail.com
'' Time.'' Copyright k. savage 1/10/04
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