Summary: This story takes place just after Gab marries Perdicus. It has subtext but no graphic sex scenes. It starts off with Gab writing her thoughts on a scroll.
Gods Xena I miss you so much and we just parted ways a few hours ago. I am about to give myself to my husband and all I can feel is this ache in my heart. What should be the happiest time of my life just feels empty.
What is wrong with me? Perdicus was so lost, how could I not have said yes? I owed him for leaving him before. I sit here and wonder what you are doing Xena. Where are you? I only imagine you are laying outside under the stars near the campfire. You can hear Argo rustling in the grass. The snapping of the campfire. The coolness of the night air falling upon your skin. I wont be feeling your cold feet reaching out to be warmed by mine.
My mind wanders back to the kiss you gave me. What was that about Xena? Was that your way of saying goodbye to me? It totally took me by surprise. More so my feeling I had in my stomach as your lips touched mine. When Perdicus kissed me after our vows, it wasn’t the same feeling. There was no warmth, no softness, no heat racing under my skin, your kiss Xena, made catching my breath very difficult.
Could it be Xena? All this time as I would share my life with you, I was sharing my heart and my soul with you as well. Why could I not see Xena? There were certain times when I would see you riding Argo and your black hair flowing in the wind and I would have to stop in place. I had to admire your beauty. That feeling I had in my heart wasn’t just admiration was it?
I have seen what’s behind the Warrior bravado. The thought of someone else getting to share that rare gift with you makes my heart sink. There is nothing I can do about that now. I belong to Perdicus now.
I wish I had just realized all of this sooner Xena. I am in love with you warrior princess. What I would not give for you to be the one I am waiting for on my wedding night. You are the one I want to give myself too. I feel this sickness inside me I have never felt before. The thought of Perdicus touching me. Gods how will I face him now? I left behind my true love, my life, gods my everything.
I made this choice now I have to deal with the fall-out. I need to forget you, that kiss, my heart will betray me. I took those vows and now I must follow through. That’s the path I have chosen. This man loves me, Xena I don’t know how she feels. I am like a sister to her. Or am I? I still cant shake off the feeling of your lips on mine. Its just like you to tell me to go find my happiness. Selfless love is all you have ever given me. Makes me love you even more.
I hear familiar footsteps coming towards the door. My heart is racing. How am I going to do this? I will just close my eyes and imagine its you. Its your hands touching my skin, your body laying with mine, your lips that are exploring me. Xena I will love you always. You have my heart and my soul. You are the best part of who I am. Good-bye my love.
Cut to Xena sitting by the fire. Her head hanging as a scroll falls from her hands. It makes a thud as it hit’s the ground. A tear falls from the now alone warrior. The tear drop falls on the scroll. Xena stares at the fire. Her voice is weak as she speaks…
“Gabrielle I wish I had told you what you mean to me before it was too late. You are the love of my life and I let you slip through my fingers. I didn’t want to mess up your chance at happiness with Perdicus. I stood solid on the fact I would no longer put you in harm’s way. What does a reformed warrior have to offer you?”
A voice from behind startles Xena. She is usually able to hear someone coming at her from the dark.
“Your love is all I need from you Xena.” The warrior turned around to see Gabrielle standing there. Xena quickly wipes the tears from her eyes. She stands up, shoulders back, stoic and strong as always.
“Gabrielle what are you doing here? You should be with Perdicus. Your husband is waiting for you.” Xena tried to sound sincere when the whole time she was so happy to see her love.
“Xena, I couldn’t go through with it. As much as I know it was the right thing to do I just couldn’t. Especially now after what I just heard.” Gabrielle’s eyes were full of tears as she spoke softly to Xena.
Xena looked shocked “ You heard what I said?” her voice broke.
“Yes Xena I did. Thank the gods I came when I did. I wasn’t sure how I was going to tell you why I was here instead of with my husband. Now I know I made the right decision. You see Xena, you too are the love of my life. I am so sorry I couldn’t see it until now. “ Gabrielle walked over to where Xena was standing. The once stoic warrior was now standing with slumped shoulders looking down at the ground. Gabrielle’s hand lifted Xena’s face up. Their eyes looking into each others souls.
Gabrielle took Xena’s hands in hers. Their fingers inner locking. Both not saying a word, just looking into each others eyes. The fire sent shadows of orange and yellow light on to Xena’s face. Her blue eyes glowed and sparkled. It was all Gabrielle could do from melting into Xena’s arms. There were a few minutes of quiet awkwardness. Finally the silence pierced.
“ Xena, kiss me again like you did earlier today. If you don’t I just may die right here.” Gabrielle pleaded. Xena released hands with Gabrielle. She sat down on the stump that was behind them.
“Gabrielle, you heard what I said earlier. You are the love of my life. Its that love I feel that makes me say this to you now. Go back to Perdicus. Go make the life you deserve to have. I cant offer you all the things he can. I cant give you children, a house or even a stable life. “ by now the tears were streaming down Xena’s face. She knew in her heart the words she spoke were true.
“NO Xena, my place is here with you. My heart is here with you, my dreams are here with you. Those dreams of the children and the house were all dreams my parents pounded into me as a little girl. I always knew I was different Xena. In my heart I knew I would never be that person my parents wanted. Do you not hear what I am saying to you Xena. I love you….I am IN love with you. I want to be with you in every way.” Gabrielle had urgency in her voice as she spoke. She knew Xena all too well. It was now or never. She needed to get through to Xena.
Gabrielle knelt down, maneuvered herself between Xena’s knees. Even though Xena’s hand came up to push Gabrielle away, her will wasn’t as mighty. Gabrielle’s hand lifted Xena’s chin. Her hands grasped Xena’s tear filled face. She leaned in closer kissing Xena’s tears away. She whispered in Xena’s ear “I love you show me yours in return Xena. Make me feel it please. Let go and just love me.”
With that said Xena’s last bit of resolve left her. Her arms pulled Gabrielle as close as she could get her. Her hands held the back of Gabrielle’s golden hair. She took a deep breath in. Her scent was sweet. She smelled of flowers. She brushed Gabrielle’s hair from her shoulder and neck. Soft kisses were placed along Gabrielle’s warm skin. Her lips explored from her shoulders to her neck. Xena spoke softly in Gabrielle’s ear “I do love you, its taking everything in me to not lay you down and make love to you all night long. I cant Gabrielle, I’m sorry I just cant.” With that said Xena jumped up whistled for Argo. Her trusted horse picked her up and she rode off into the night.
Gabrielle was left sobbing. She lay on the ground holding the fur Xena slept on. Breathing in the smell of her warrior, she lay there heartbroken. She couldn’t understand what happened. Xena loves her why did she just leave? Her chest felt so tight, she couldn’t breathe, the pain was crushing, her head throbbing. She cried all night long until there were no more tears to shed.
Gabrielle saw the sun come up. She could barely make it to her feet. She was so weak. Her heart heavy, her soul was broken. She looked at Xena’s armor laying on the ground. A pain she never felt before took over in her heart. “Good-bye Xena” she said as she stumbled away from the camp site.
From out of the brush Xena stood up. She watched the heart broken Gabrielle walk away and out of her life. She walked over and packed up the remainder of her things. She put her armor on. The whole time her eyes a steely blue. Her face was hard and rigid. Never once did a tear appear in her eyes.
Xena found a scroll laying on the stump. She picked it up. Inside were the words of her soul mate she just let walk out of her life. It started with “Gods Xena I miss you so much…” Xena read the scroll . Anger crossed her face “What did I do? She really does love me. She really didn’t want to leave me to begin with. Me and my damned pride, it just cost me everything.” Her hand grabbed her chest. That same crushing pain she had caused her beloved, she now felt. Her stomach nauseous with the knowledge she lost her one chance at real love. Someone that understood her dark side and still loved her anyway.
She knew she had to find Gabrielle. For the first time in years, Xena was scared. She immediately followed Gabrielle’s tracks. The whole time in her head not knowing what she would say to the woman whose heart she broke. She just didn’t understand how she could have hurt such a beautiful soul. She knew from the first time she saw Gabrielle stand up to Draco’s stooge that she was in love. She had a passion, an innocence and beauty that no one had ever possessed. Sure she had been with women before. She was a warlord, she could take who ever she wanted when ever she wanted. It didn’t matter who she used as long as she reached her goal.
Gabrielle was different. Xena just wanted to be around her. She always felt like a lost puppy dog when Gabrielle would smile at her. During the night while Gabrielle was sleeping, Xena would just lay there and watch her sleep. It was so hard for Xena to not just take what she wanted. But if she did, she would lose the best friend she had ever had. These thoughts made Xena push even harder to find Gabrielle.
She walked through thick brush, muddy earth and lots of branches laying on the ground. She could hear a creek in the not so far distant. Gabrielle’s footsteps headed in that direction. Xena came up to the clearing and there sitting by the creek was Gabrielle. She was sitting in the grass watching the water tumble and spill over the rocks. Xena was paralyzed. She didn’t know what she was going to say. But she knew she had to approach her. Slowly she walked up behind Gabrielle. She was standing right behind her. Slowly her hand reached out and firmly squeezed Gabrielle’s shoulder.
With a start, Gabrielle turned around. She looked up to see those blue eyes she thought she would never get lost in again. Xena pulled Gabrielle up to her. Without hesitation, she pulled Gabrielle up off her feet. Her arms held Gabrielle up to her. Xena didn’t have to speak a word. Gabrielle knew at that point this woman was hers. Their lips met each other gently. A few soft kisses were shared between then. Gabrielle wrapped her arms around Xena and held her so tight. While still in her arms, Xena knelt down and laid Gabrielle in the soft grass. Laying over Gabrielle, Xena leaned down and kissed her once again. It was like they were leaving all control of the sense behind them. There was no sound, nothing in the world around them. All they could feel was each others hearts beating together. Their lips pressing together with more pressure, Gabrielle reached around Xena’s waist and pulled her the rest of the way down on top of her.
Xena lifted her head, stroking Gabrielle’s hair and looking at this woman with amazement. She couldn’t believe this was all happening. She was on the verge of her whole world becoming perfect. A smile broke across Xena’s face. Gabrielle for the first time knew what it was like to have all the air escape from her. Here was this beautiful, strong, brave woman loving her. Gabrielle smiled back. Nothing needed to be said. They both knew this was it. Here they were together and there was nothing that would ever separate them again. This was eternal.
Gabrielle pulled Xena’s head back down to her and spoke in her ear “I saved myself for you. I want you to be my first, my last, my always. Show me what your heart is telling you. Let down your walls. Let me be your first. The first person to penetrate that warrior heart completely. Take this body and make it yours Xena. I have never needed anyone as much as I need you. My heart and my soul are completely opened to you. Take them and hold them with you always. I have never loved anyone as much as I love you. “
Those words reached right in and grabbed Xena’s heart. Her breathing became faster, her heart was beating so hard. Her head was dizzy with the love she felt for this woman. Xena looked Gabrielle in the eyes and said “ I loved you from the moment I saw you. I cant live without you Gabrielle. When you left me to marry Perdicus, you broke my heart. Now I know you were mine all along. Know this Gabrielle that ever since that day in Potidaea my heart was yours and only yours. Now I am going to give you the rest of me. All of me.”
Xena leaned back down and kissed those warm lips she had only dreamed of before. That day two people were no longer two. They became one. They made love on the banks of that creek all day long. Neither could get enough of the other. They fell asleep in each others arms. Tomorrow they would start their next journey together knowing they were never going to walk the path alone.
Written by Lani on June 29, 2007
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