One Enchanted Evening
or...An Awful Tale Involving the Hideous Side Effects of Sex & Drink & General Hard Livin'
General Disclaimer: The characters in this story are owned by MCA/Universal and Renaissance Pictures. No copyright infringement is intended, and no profit gained by this.
This story was written ages ago in response to a CHALLENGE issued by Archaeobard, the reprobate. Bet she's forgotten all about it now. She provided the setting, and the opening dialogue. She is completely to blame for all of this. I'm just an innocent bard who was dragged into her machinations.
Either way, I'm dedicating this story to her. I'll miss you, matey.
Comments welcome: Actually, I'm not sure I want to know what you think.....<g>
The scene....a whorehouse in Deep South territory. The music from "Deliverance" can be heard playing on a lyre in the background.
The time.....late evening. Both Xena and Gabrielle are in the downstairs bar, well into their cups and gathering quite a crowd with their drinking and arm wrestling displays. Unfortunately, Joxer is there too. Still, never mind eh?
"Xena? Can we swap girls? I got my sister again......"
"Oh for Gods sakes, Joxer! No, we can't swap girls."
"Why not? It's not fair that you get Gabrielle! You can't do it with her!"
" Well I'm sure we'll find something to occupy ourselves with....." Xena and Gabrielle smirked at the wanna-be hero's pouting and whingeing. "You just go back to your sister over there - after all, a bet's a bet and you wouldn't wanna make me angry now, would you?" She glowered at him.
"Oh but Xena....." the whining voice cranked up a gear. "....how am I supposed to...y'know....I just can't! Not with my own sister!"
"Well you'll just have to close your eyes and do it, won't you?" Xena leaned over and whispered into the smirking bard's ear, "Gods knows it can't be the first time inbreeding's happened in that family......" She looked up when the barmaid clattered two mugs of ale onto the table, slopping the frothing liquid all over the tabletop. Xena's jaw dropped slightly in shock as she saw the barmaid - she looked around at the barman, the other customers and the dog in the corner. "Looks like it aint unusual round here neither."
"Whassat yer say, ma'am?" Drawled the horribly stooped barmaid as she wobbled her way back to the table, thinking Xena was leaving a tip. "Ma ears aint sa good, onnaccounta a ole family problem - ahm hard a hearin'."
"Ahh, nothing thank you - my friend here...." interrupted Gabrielle quickly, "....was just remarking on the unusual...ahh....hairlessness of the people round here."
"Yair, well see ma'ams, ats onnaccouna a natrel phernominom as' weyl known in these here pards....."
"Pffff! I bet - looks too damn well known!" spluttered Xena, until a sharply placed elbow poked the breath from her.
"....yessiree ma'ams, a natrel phernomonin, as ah lives and breathes!"
"Uh...well that's debatable," giggled Gabrielle into Xena's ear. Xena shushed her, biting her lip frantically to stop her own giggles from pouring out. The mighty warrior princess, reduced to a giggling fit in the middle of the Cock and Bull? What would people think?
"Yis ma'ams! I knaw y'all wouldint berleeve ma story, but ah do declayre as we's all wuz borned right normal - in fact, we'z all knowed rahnd these pards as being reenown fer our flowing red hairs and our trim, upright postures. Ah culd hear a hawk fart at fifty paces, an' ma brutha over there...." she waved to a bald, toothless, bent and squinting young lad over on the next table, "...ah, he cayn't see me no moe. But berleeve me ma'ams, that there brutha culd see the ants hooo-weeeing in thu back yard - frum the front o'tha house!. And sharp as tacks in a toolbox, evry last wun of us!"
"So what happened?" In spite of themselves, both bard and warrior were intrigued.
"Weyl ma'ams, there wuz wun day we'se all woked up an here we wuz, jus like ya'all see us now! Stooped to the grahnd, eyes all blinkin an blind, and not one hair left on our baldy lil ole heads!"
"What? You mean you just all woke up like this one day? The entire village?"
"Why no ma'ams, norall on us. Some wey're as purrdy as the days they wuz borned...and we culden figure it out until one day, it struck us. The watter frum thu local well - it had ony jus bin dug and we'se only been a usin' it fer a short while fer brewin' up our worl famis beers."
"Beers?" Xena and Gabrielle both stared at the many empty mugs which littered the table top.
"Yis ma'ams. But then, we figured - why it caint be thu watter, cos'n onnaccounta we'se all bin drinkin it!"
Breathing sighs of relief all round, the sceptical warrior and bard drained their last drinks and slouched against each other in drunken good spirits. "It's take more than a bit of water to turn us into...well, them..." whispered Xena.
"Too right....what a pathetic and completely unbelievable story," agreed Gabrielle.
"Well ma'ams, thas wha wez all thought, but see it had ter be thu watter. See - here be a drawin of ma family done afore the well...." The hapless woman pulled out a crumpled piece of parchment and smoothed it out on the table top, where the two sceptics pored over it. They saw a rough sketch of two handsome parents and two beautiful bouncing babies. They looked up straight into the cross eyed gaze of one of the beautiful babies.
"Gods! What happened?"
"Like ah said, ma'ams - and gee, aint you two the purdiest pair ah ever did see in a long time? - it was the watter. But ifn it was the watter, they're had ter be sumthin else afferctin it. Sum natrel phernomanen as'n we'se thought. So we checked everyone - all those who'd'a et chicken...."
"We haven't eaten chicken in ages...."
"...or who'd'a bin ter market in the neighborin tahn....."
"...haven't been there yet...."
"..or who'd'a visited the healer..."
"...perfectly good health...yep, sounds as though we're pretty safe, Gabrielle." The two laughed, complacently.
"...then at last we'se found it. The change only affected those on us who'd drunked the watter in thu beer at this tavern......."
"Uh huh?" Louder laughs, and lots of nudging was going on between the two women as they hunted in the mugs for any last dregs of beer.
"...but those people who wuz changed thu most...well, they all had wun thing in common, ma'ams. Yessiree they sure did. The'y'se all a had mad, set yer eyeballs ter rollin, screamin down the hillsides sex the night before."
Two extremely superior and disbelieving smiles slipped right off their faces and slithered to the floor. A ghastly, deathly silence rang out from the two women as they stared at each other in horror.
"So yer see, ma'ams! Abserlootly nuthin fer yer ter be worryin yer purdy lil ole heads abaht! I mean - who'se yer gonna have sex like that with? Not yer dim witted friend over there - he's makin out with his very own sista for Zoos sake! Yep - youz both as safe as a babe in its crib! Yer roomz ready, ma'ams, fer whenevva yers wanna go up ter bed." The woman patted them both on the heads and staggered away, chuckling to herself.
Aghast green eyes met horrified blue ones, and in perfect unison, the two women gave vent the only way they could.
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