“How Xena got Gabrielle to Shut Up”


“A Xenaverse Fairytale”




Lori A. Meyers


Disclaimer: Xena: Warrior Princess is © to Universal Pictures, Renaissance Pictures, Networks USA, Lucy & Rob. I’d love to own the characters of Xena and Gabrielle, but, alas, it’s not to be. There is love here between our two heroes, and a little romance, and, a little sex as well. Go away if you’re under age, or if the thought of two women together causes you to break out in a rash.

Spoilers: None. Where in hades did this come from?

Feed the bard! loriameyers@netzero.net


Wow, the world is really old. But do the good and gentle people of Poteidaia know that we live in the Phanerozoic Eon? Sometime in the Cenozoic era, during the Quaternary period? Do they know that we’re currently in the Neogene? Or more precisely, the Holocene epoch? No, the good folk of this small fishing town are completely oblivious to the vast expanse of their universe or how much time has passed since the beginning of time.

Well, most people are clueless, all except for Gabrielle. She is a most unusual individual. She pays attention to the movement of the stars, she seeks out philosophers when they pass through her village, and she is sometimes known to predict things that actually come true. Although, they are usually not earth shattering things but simple things like when Epameinondas (he has such a long name, doesn’t he?) tripped over his own feet and fell into the well. Gabrielle tried to convince him to go to the well later in the day but he refused. Needless to say, he always listened to her after that embarrassing experience. Oh, and she can read and write, too.

She is engaged to be married to a very simple man named Perdicas, who’s destined to be a farmer. This causes Gabrielle some grief whenever she stops and thinks about it. She’s definitely not destined to be a farmer’s wife so she schemes and plots and tries whatever she can do to get out of it. All to no avail, of course. This is, after all, a small fishing village and what would Gabrielle do if she didn’t get married?
Oh yes, our hero Gabrielle is a unique young lady. She is so curious about life that when her younger sister Lila told her that a vast army was headed for their simple village she didn’t become frightened but clapped her hands in glee. An army, oh my! How many opportunities like this ever came along in one’s lifetime?

Lila looked confused. “What opportunity are you talking about, Gabrielle?”

Gabrielle grinned. “Are you kidding me? What do you find in an army besides soldiers? Advisors, Lila, advisors! And they’re usually oracles or philosophers or maybe even bards. Think of it, Lila. I can get a lot more information about the world from this army that’s heading our way than I ever could just hanging around here. I should go and tell Perdicas!”

Lila shook her head as Gabrielle practically skipped out of the house. “Man, she’s crazy.”

Hecuba, her mother, looked up from her sewing and sighed. “Yeah, she’s peculiar, that one is.”

All the important men in the village got together at the main temple to decide what to do about the vast army that was heading in their direction. Well, okay, it wasn’t as vast as the Athenian army—or the Korinthian army, for that matter—but who cares? Gabrielle watched the men from the temple entrance.

“We should do whatever they want!”

“We don’t know what they want.”

“Maybe they’ll just ride by us and leave us alone.”

“You’re stupid, Kreon!”

“Bite me!”

“They’ll want our treasure.”

“We don’t have any treasure.”

“We could give them provisions.”

“I’m not giving up my horses!”

“Shut up!”

“You can negotiate anything, Danaos.”

“Leave me out of it!”

“Who wants to go meet them?”

“How many of them are there?”

“We ought to hide in the hills.”

“What, and abandon everything?”

“We’re doomed!”

Gabrielle laughed at that last exclamation and all the men stopped arguing and looked at her. Her father, Herodotus, shook his head and approached her. “What are you doing here, Gabrielle?”

The small blonde merely smiled. “I could go meet them?”

“Your daughter is ridiculous, Herodotus,” Linos interjected.

“Gabrielle, why don’t you go home and we’ll talk about this later, okay?”

The blonde gave her father a sweet smile. “Sure, father, why don’t I go home right now?”

The older man squeezed her shoulder. “That’s my girl!”

Gabrielle continued to smile as she backed out of the temple. Now, dear friends, we all know that our young hero has no intention of going home. She raced down the temple steps and grabbed her walking stick and a small traveling pack and proceeded down the main road out of town.




Xena, the Warrior Princess, is a woman to be reckoned with. Unlike our Gabrielle, Xena is no hero. Some say she was born with a sword in one hand and that round killing thing in the other. Her mother would disagree, however. She was actually a scrawny kid who was picked on so much that she would run home every day and cry and pout and accuse all the neighboring kids of picking on her too much.

This annoyed her brothers so much that one day, when she came home full of tears, her older brother Toris, smacked her on the head and told her to, “Grow up and stop crying like a baby!”

So she did.

After that day Xena hardened her heart and picked up a sword and never looked back. Well, I think the actual wielding of the sword came much later. The world was hers for the taking, and boy, did she ever want to take! She hungered for power and riches and she even hungered for the fear she could foster in those whom she conquered. Xena is a badass, no questions asked. Everywhere she goes people wonder how a woman so beautiful could be so mean! Is this someone we really want our innocent hero to meet?


Anyway, that afternoon Xena’s army stopped its long march just outside the border of Poteidaia and made camp. After her tent was set up Xena sat down with her lieutenants in it to formulate a plan for taking the town. That’s when a guard approached the entrance.

“My Lord?”

Xena looked up from the map she was looking at and sneered. “I told you guys no interruptions!”

“Sorry, Your Greatness…but we’ve got an intruder.”

“Bring him in!”

The guard pushed Gabrielle into the entrance and stepped up behind her. “A young woman, your Gloriousness.”

Xena’s eyes narrowed and she stood to her full height. “Well, what do we have here?”

The guard handed Xena the walking stick the blonde was carrying. “She was carrying this weapon, Your Lordship.”

Xena grabbed the stick. “This? This isn’t a weapon, you moron, it’s a walking stick!” She threw the stick at the guard and it hit him in the head.

Gabrielle’s eyes widened and she laughed. The guard rubbed his head and picked up the stick and backed out of the tent.

Gabrielle, still smiling, turned to Xena. “You must be the warrior princess.”

The big, bad warrior turned her full attention on the small blonde. “What were you doing spying on my army?”

“Oh, I wasn’t spying on you, warrior, I was hoping to meet you.”

Xena looked the girl over. Boy, was she ever her type! She was young and had a very curvy, supple body. Her breasts were practically spilling out of her tight bodice. Xena waved her hand and dismissed her lieutenants. They hurriedly exited the tent, smirking and snickering as they left.

Xena took a step closer to Gabrielle. “Do you know what I like to do to young women who infiltrate my army?”

Gabrielle felt a peculiar feeling in the pit of her stomach. She’d never felt it before, and it wasn’t entirely unpleasant. “No, what do you do?”

Xena took a few more steps closer to the young woman and gave her her most seductive smile. “I like to have my way with them.”

Now Gabrielle was a young woman with whom no one had ever had his or her way with, so she swallowed hard and backed up until she hit Xena’s desk. “You do?”

“Uh huh.” Xena moved to within inches of her prisoner.

Remember, dear friends, that our young hero is an innocent. Even though she is engaged to Perdicas all they’ve ever done is kiss a few times, and nothing they ever did made her feel like she was feeling now. That funny feeling in her stomach grew bigger, and, despite herself, she moaned when their bodies touched.

When Xena bent to kiss her Gabrielle slipped from her grasp and slowly backed up towards the tent entrance. “It’s not that I don’t want what you want. Well, maybe I don’t want exactly what you want but, hey, we could talk about it, right? Nothing wrong with talking now, is there? Now the way I see it we’ve got a few options here. Number one, you could take me against my will and be done with me, but I don’t think that’s something you really want to do, right? Well, it wouldn’t be completely against my will, I mean, let’s face it, I do feel a little something for you, or else why do I have this funny feeling in my stomach. But maybe I’d like to take it slower, you know, let’s get to know each other first? You know, maybe a few dates? You could bring me some flowers…yeah, I really like flowers…my mom likes flowers, too, but father hardly ever brings her flowers anymore. He’s definitely not the romantic type. He’s a lot like my betrothed, Perdicas. He never brings me flowers or writes me love poetry or anything like that. As a matter of fact, I don’t really want to marry him but my parents made an agreement with his parents, and there you go…”

And it went on and on until Xena finally sat down in her chair and just stared at the girl. She could ramble for hours, our Gabrielle.

Finally, Xena had enough. “Maybe you are an assassin! Did you come here to bore me to death?”

Gabrielle tilted her head to the side. “No, why do you think I’m an assassin? I’ve never picked up a weapon in my life. Well, that’s a little bit of a fib. I did pick up my uncles sword one time, just to see how heavy it was, and ended up swinging it at their cat. It was purely by accident, though. I’ve never harmed anything in my life. Why would I want to? I mean, why would I want to hurt a cat? A dog, maybe, I hate dogs—was attacked by one when I was younger and father and mother had to take me to the local healer. Boy, was that a frightening experience. But that’s nothing compared to the time my younger sister, Lila, got stung by all those bees. You should have seen her? She was such a baby about it…”

And it went on some more, for a little while longer until finally Xena really did have enough. She stood abruptly and grabbed Gabrielle and kissed her fully on the mouth. And it wasn’t one of those friendly brother and sister type kisses, either. Xena’s tongue found its way into our young hero’s mouth and Gabrielle whimpered when it began to caress her own. After a few minutes of this gentle assault they broke apart.

Gabrielle blinked. “I’m surprised.”

Xena nodded. “Me, too.”

Gabrielle’s eyes were as wide as saucers. “Do you always kiss like that on your first date?”

Xena offered the blonde a very charming and lopsided smile. “No, never do. I can’t say I’ve ever had one of those.”

“One what?”

“A first date—I don’t do dates.”

“Would you like to?”

Xena thought about that one. A date? I mean, did she really want to go down this road? Sure, why not? Xena never missed an opportunity to try something at least once. And maybe a little time off from war mongering would be good for the soul. “Sure, why not.”

The small blonde entwined her arm around the dark warrior’s waist. “Come with me, warrior.”

So she did. She took Gabrielle’s arm and led her into town to meet the folks. They were a little surprised, too. Now we all are a little surprised.

Is there a moral to our little tale? Maybe there is—then again, maybe not.

The Fates are such sneaky people, aren’t they? Do these cranky women, who seem to have nothing better to do than meddle in the lives of ordinary people, bring these two unlikely lovers together? Or is this chance meeting something of an even grander scale—
like the great unfolding of the universe itself? Who knows? Whether it is the Fates, or destiny, or serendipity, life brought our gals together. So why question it?

“The End”


“Just the Beginning”

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