Gabrielle's Journal Series:  Forgiveness

by Murphy

  Number seventeen of the Journal Series. More fluff! Thank you to my Beta team, Becky Lovall, Sam Ruskin, and LJ Maas. Deb! Love Ya! Ex-Guards!! You are the best!! Forgiveness! Easy to say, hard to do. First poem by Sam Ruskin. You can find Sam's work at Second poem by Kavina Tawl Third Poem by Ned Nichols

Journal Entry:

Hello. I am still hanging on. Times are still hard for Xena and I. After Solan and Hope died, we had to deal with life again, which meant we had to go back and deal with the Amazons. Xena's honor would have it no other way. She must be held accountable for her actions and punished for what she did. I fought with her for candle marks trying to get her to change her mind. I just wanted to leave and give them a chance to cool off. Well my hardheaded wife would not listen and we were heading back to the Amazons.

I am healing from this slowly, but I am worried about Xena's frame of mind. She has not touched me for a long time. I thought after Illusia we would rebuild our marriage, but it is like she is afraid to touch me. She does not laugh or smile much anymore. It hurts to watch her keep her head down and shoulders slumped in defeat. She will not forgive herself for what she did to the Amazons or me.

She has nightmares and will not let me comfort her. I do not know what to do. She is very pale and does not eat much. The only good thing out of all of this is she agreed to camp for a couple of days. Thank the Gods Joxer found us, he was uneasy around Xena at first, but went back into his warrior want to be ways. I had him send word to Ephiny about what was going on. All I needed was an Amazon war party hunting Xena down.

I cannot believe a very short while ago we went through all this hardship. I reread my last journal I still cannot believe that was me. Xena slept that night; she hasn't slept well since. I got this idea about confronting her and making her deal with things. It did not go well, we yelled and she went for a ride on Argo. I let her go to work it out. I was too just tired. I fell soundly asleep praying things would get better. I awoke to a nice fire started with fish cooking, no Xena though. I shot right up looking around only to find a note. What I read did not surprise me.



How do you ask someone to forgive the unforgivable?
Maybe it's best if I don't even try
Perhaps she would be better off without me
But the thought of leaving makes me cry.

I thought I had come so far
That I was fighting for the greater good
But pride truly comes before the fall
And Ares tricked me where I stood.

What a deceitful liar he is
But I can't pretend I am without blame
The person I love most in all the world
Was hurt by my hand, filling me with shame

Will I ever close my eyes and not dream
Of hurting the people I hold most dear
I want to touch and hold my soulmate
But I'm overcome with shame and fear.

Why is there no God of time?
Oh now I know I've gone too far
Wanting yet another God
And wishing on some distant star.

Gabrielle would love this
Her warrior on bended knee
The last time I was down here
She agreed to marry me.

I wish that were the reason now
Instead of so much pain.
Bard, I'm begging your forgiveness
Before I go insane.


How do you help someone forgive? I am not sure I have done that myself for everything, guilt is just too strong. If only adults had the wisdom of children. Solan, my heart still aches. I can't imagine what it is doing to my wife. Then I remember her song to us both about forgiving her. Why won't she just accept that I love her and that in my heart, I forgave her long ago? I did the only thing I knew. I waited until I heard her getting close to camp and left this note in reply. I got into the trees to watch her before she came


My love for you words cannot hold
Its so powerful when you feel it whole
My body craves yours
more and more everyday.
How every part of me,
want to be held against thee's
my heartbeat speeds every time you're near
as I remember my body with yours without a fear.
our love is pure
it needs no cure
so as you see
we are meant to be
Gods created you for me
and given us a reason to be
my reason which I have found out
is to be with you, without a doubt
So I conclude
upon this prelude
You for me, and me for you
are meant to be, its true
Love you

Your bard

I am now watching my wife cry her heart out, struggling to keep the warrior out front. The woman in her is winning, and then I hear her call for me. I am out of that tree as fast as I can. I take her in my arms and hold her. Our second night together we slept finally. I woke up to a tongue in my ear, oh baby. I still have a grin.

We start to pack up to face the Amazons. It feels like I have Bacchae's in my stomach. I have no idea what we are walking into; I hope Joxer gave them my message. I felt an arm go around me; I look up to see my love. She tells me everything will be fine, from her mouth to the Gods ears. Everyone except Ares that is.

Xena and I are walking holding hands until we see the markers. We let go of our hands and hold them above our heads. Five Amazon warriors come down from the trees. What scares me is that they have arrows aimed at my wife. I jump in front of her; they would have to kill me to get to her. Eponin was the worst, I am very sure she is not happy Xena broke her wife's arm. I was praying since everything changed with Illusia, it also would have happened with the Amazons. When Joxer found us, we found out differently.

Ep took Xena's weapons and pushed her. Xena just kept her head down as we were led to Ephiny. We got to the Queen’s hut and heard Eph's voice to come in. When we went inside she was sitting at the table, she did not have a look of hate just worry. We both saw her arm in a sling and that is when I heard a big intake of breath from Xena. I look up to see a tear sliding down her face. I brought her hand to my lips and kissed it while wiping the tear from her face. We all sat down and talked.

Ephiny asked many questions. She was a true friend to us both, and a great Queen. She gave Xena a big hug and let her cry her apology. We still had a problem with Pony. After Xena pulled away from Ephiny, she turned to Eponin. Warrior to Warrior. Pony said if Xena ever pulled this again, she would hunt her down and kill her. Then she decked my wife. We were all stunned. I picked my chin off the floor and went charging. My wife held me back. She explained it is a warrior code. I just rolled my eyes. Eph and I looked at one another and mouthed, "Warriors"

Now we are in our hut and I can hear a very sound asleep wife. Xena and Pony did their warrior thing while Ephiny and I talked. It went back to the good old days, sort of. I know things will never be the same, but at least we are making our way back. Xena laughed, ate, and played today; it made my heart feel good. She has the shine back in those baby blues that I love. She was even frisky tonight; we kept the whole village up. I now shed tears of happiness. We found our way back to one another. We are home.

If life seems at its lowest ebb
because a day's gone wrong.
Let not your heart be troubled
For a new day soon will dawn.

And we can never be quite sure
Just what it has in store
Since each one is so different
Than the one just gone before

As it penetrates the darkness
With its soft and tranquil beams,
It calms even the most restless soul
And brings new hopes and dreams.

So when a day's been troubled
And the night is dark and long,
Lift up your fallen spirits
For a new day soon will dawn...


Until Tomorrow,  

Read Journal Entry #18 "PMS (Persecute My Spouse)"


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